Kindergarten Kids - Separating the Twins

Problem:

Even though the girls are in different classes in school, and have been for a year now, they still exist in a weird continuum where they don't feel as if they can be a full, unique person. Every decision must be passed through the counsel of the sister, and every treat must be evenly divided. Not one individual thing is allowed to pass, because both twins feel that individual things mean better things. Particularly if they are not at the same time. So, if Dulce wanted an ice cream cone at 3 p.m. but Natalina didn't want one, either they would both have one or neither would have one. Either Natalina would cry about not getting a cone so much that Dulce would decide to forego it, or Dulce would badger Natalina so much that Natalina would decide to eat one. Either way, they would not, of their own free choice, do something different. So much so that if one gets one extra bite of graham cracker in the morning, she will throw it away. (This JUST happened). Or if one gets a candy while the other is sleeping or otherwise engaged, she will tell her twin immediately after she sees her again, so her twin can collect her prize.

It's weird. And it's hard to navigate.



Solution:

My friends have been telling me for literally years that I have to take my children out separately. It's been impossible to pull off. My husband works until 8 p.m. every day, and on the weekends, we like to do things as a family.

Today, we are going to take the girls out separately.

And already I'm plagued with, 'what if one of us does something the girls deem 'more fun' at their outing than the other? How can we keep this as even as possible? Should my husband and I talk about this, plan where we're going, come up with ways to prevent tantrums? Each of us do the same number of activities during the outing? Leave and return at the exact same time?

It's taking everything in me to NOT do these things. I will not. We are going to take our kids out separately like regular people take their kids out separately.

In order for this to work, I must not cater to their instinct to compare at all. Otherwise it will just become another instance of strange twin equality competition. And we will have wasted our day.

The goal is for them to be able to have a Saturday when they are older, where one goes swimming at a friend's house, and the other stays home reading or goes to the movies with her buddies. End. Like it's a normal and okay thing to do.

Because right now, as we sit in this house today, that scenario is an utter impossibility.


 

Kindergarten Kids: Birthday Woes

Problem:

My kids are the sort of kids who don't eat candy. Not because they don't like candy. They love it. More than anything. They love it so much that they would rather have some around that they can look at forever, for an indeterminate period of time, than eat it and have it be gone forever (or, you know, a week until I buy them more).

This happens for anything they like. While they're drinking fruit punch, they'll ask me, "after this, can you get me more?" ...to ensure the stock of rewards is not depleted. If it is, they'll abstain. They'd rather the thought of reward than reward.

This year, it extended into birthdays (mixed in, of course, with some lovely anxiety about change that goes unspoken and not understood by them). So that yesterday, instead of having two excited children awaiting their birthday party, I had more meltdowns on my hands than I'd dealt with in the past two months put together.

The refrain was simple enough. They didn't want their birthday party today. Of course, that wasn't it at all. Take away the party, tell them they don't have to go to their own party, and you're met with shrieks of dismay. No. They want their party. They just want it sometime in the nearish future...a point that never quite arrives. So that they can look forward to it. So that the experience doesn't blow up quickly like a firework, then disappear.

That they have a seventh birthday next year is no solace. First, a year is, like, forever, but more importantly, a seventh birthday isn't a sixth birthday, and therefore is invalid.

Solution:

Basically, I just sat them down (separately since they broke down about it at different times), and tried a few different tactics.

The things that seemed to help were:

1) Explaining that every person on the planet gets one birthday a year, so they were neither special nor alone, and they couldn't escape the rules of the planet.

2) Talking about the anxious feeling as nervous hardness in the tummy. They seemed to understand this and appreciate that I knew what they were talking about. Telling them that they were actually separate from that feeling and eventually they would have control over that feeling, but they had to practice it.

3) Telling them that I, too, cried a lot when I was five. (this is true, although I don't remember it). My teacher apparently wrote that I was a good student, but I cried every day. Again, they felt not so alone.

...

Of course, today's meltdowns have a slew of other implications, but there is only so much crankiness I can deal with in one post.




 

Kindergarten Kids: Will they kill each other

Problem: 

My girls have no problem solving skills and will escalate any tiny issue to screaming and crying which results in two five year olds screaming angrily at each other multiple times a day. In fact, some days you wonder how they have time for anything else.

I never reward them for this. Sometimes I discipline them, I always separate them, but I've realized that my kids look at this as a resolution to their nonexistent problem and so continue to operate in this infuriating way because, to them, in this twisted way, it's working.

So the question remains: Will they kill each other if left together in a room to duke out every single time this happens?

Solution:

Stay the hell tuned. I'll let you all know.

Because I have seriously had it with these shenanigans.

MAY THE STRONGEST BABY WIN.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.





 

Kindergarten Kids - Helping Them Read

Problem: 

My kids love to read. Kindergarten helped prepare them for sounding out words that make sense and follow the rules, and it gave them a list of "sight words" to memorize, so they have a good base, at this point, when they pick up one of their books.

But the English language is cruel and makes no sense, and this has never been clearer than now, when I have to explain to a five-year-old why sometimes the OU makes an oww sound and sometimes it makes an oh sound and sometimes it makes an ooooui sound. Or however you would type out the sound made in would, or should or could. And for that matter, what about wood? Or though and rough. WHAT IS GOING ON.

Solution:

When my kids first start the book, I have them think about it, and use context and picture cues. "What do you think this word is? It's a weird one!"

They can do this for about the first ten minutes of reading.

After that, I give them hints. "In this word the ea together make an eee sound. Can you sound it out now?"

That gets us through the next 20 minutes.

After that, they're pretty tired, and a bit frustrated (and they're pretty good readers if I do say so myself, but it is frustrating. The language is frustrating.) Anyway, after they're tired but still reading, I just give them the word.

Them: "read, read, read, read, read...what's this word?"
Me: "That's machine."


This way, they practice, but they don't get annoyed enough to put the book down. It's working well so far.





 

Kindergarten Kids - On Birthday Parties

Problem: 

You're at a birthday party and no one is having any fun. The host is trying, but their idea for the party isn't working out. She's made a cake from scratch with homemade frosting and fondant, the deviled eggs were whipped to perfection, and the room is packed with five year olds. What could go wrong?

In our case, it was a karaoke party, which is tough for five year olds...since none of them can read that fast. When the girls first arrived, they improvised, grabbing the microphones and having a loud conversation with the birthday girl, who also had a microphone. The dad, understandably stressed while trying to figure out the complicated karaoke machine, told everyone that the microphones were for singing songs, not for talking. And we ended up with silence. Everyone put down the mics and stared at him.

Oops.

Fast forward, and after a few kids walk in who are too shy to sing, everyone decides it's embarrassing to sing, and song after loud pop song plays to a wall of sullen children.

No one is having a good time, and the hosts look like they're about to cry.

What can we do?

Solution:

I have no embarrassment meter, so who better to try to save this sinking ship? Since none of the kids could sing or wanted to sing at that moment, I tried the dancing route.

Now, I am a horrible dancer. Like, the worst. So it made it look silly and fun to the kids (I hope). Anyway, I convinced one of the twins to dance with me. And no one joined us.

After the song, I looked at the peanut gallery of parents just sitting there and literally said, "thanks a lot, guys."

I mean, think about it when you're someone's guest. If you had thrown a party and it was failing, wouldn't you desperately want the other adults in the room to throw you a bone?

As I explained to my child when she dragged me out of the room to tell me I'd embarrassed her: It's our job as party goers to have a good time.

It is your job, as a party goer, to have a good time.

So try!

Sometimes, the hosts can't get things going, and they certainly can't with the pressure of everyone else staring them down like, you gonna make this fun or what?

My kid and I went back in, after I'd also told her not to worry about what people think, and that everyone else WOULD start to have fun, I promise, and we danced again.

And finally, people started to join in.

And by the end of the party everyone was dancing and singing and having a good time.

And the smile on my kid's face when she said she wasn't embarrassed anymore may have been the highlight of my life.

So, when you go to a birthday party, try to help a mother out! You know you'd want someone to do it for you.







 

Kindergarten Kids - Rules for The-End-of-the-Year Play

Problem:

Your kid has spent weeks preparing for her special end-of-the-year play. She's spent hours memorizing songs and dance moves. Singing and speaking, being quiet, and watching, readying. And it's all been hush-hush. She wants it to be a surprise for you. Because you'll be there.

We'll all be there.

This isn't the 1980s anymore, and one of the striking differences in parenting style is that these days, you never don't show up. Gone are the days of empty soccer field stadiums that I remember, a few straggling parents there with a weak clap here and there. These days, you show up. Whether you do it because your parents did it for you or because they didn't, you are there.

And so is everyone else.

And...it kind of sucks.

So, I have some rules I thought up that might help next year's class.

Solution:

1) Have the room open immediately.

This play was at 8 a.m. The place had to have been ready the day before. Don't shut the door. We all got there at 7:45 for the morning bell, and we want to go get a seat. What we don't want to do is stand in a line that wraps around the elementary school like a snake of good parenting. Let us in. That was silly and put everyone in a defensive mood.

2) Let parents know where their kid will be.

I have twins. One was in the front. One was on the side of the room. We picked a seat unknowingly where we could see neither of them. A lot of parents did this. So, during the play, there was a lot of people getting up and changing seats, and repositioning, and I'm sure it's not what the school had in mind. The kids had those spots from the beginning. Let the parents know the general area where their kid will be. That's who they're interested in. You don't need seating plans or anything, but just a general idea would be helpful.

3) Parents: don't save seats, for cripe's sake.

Now, I'm not talking about one partner saving a seat for the other partner. One seat saved is fine, necessary even, but I'm saying we came into the room, thinking seats were available and they were not. So we went to the front, where there was an empty bench. Only umbrellas, bags, keys, and shoes were splayed out over the whole thing. Not cool, guys, not cool. Now the mid-seats we could have taken were already taken. And the mid-seats we thought were open? Covered with travel mugs, sandals, and freaking walking sticks.

Stop it. Just stop. We all know you're about to get up and snap a photo of your kid anyway. Do you need to sit next to 80 of your closest parent friends who couldn't get there at 8? Very frustrating.

4) The phones, guys. Can we not with the phones?

Again, when it's your kid's time to play her two-second part? By all means, bodycheck everyone else out of the way, and snap your shot. But they have a video being recorded by the school, guys. And they sent an email saying, HEY, WE'LL HAVE A DVD AVAILABLE, SO DON'T RECORD THIS ON YOUR PHONE.

So, why did I have to try to see my kids through a maze of upheld electronic devices? I showed up at ass in the morning to see my kid sing, not to see her through your tiny newest iPhone lens.

And honestly? Are you going to watch and rewatch your shaky phone video of the kids singing "Florida Alphabet"? Isn't it better to actually enjoy it the first time? To make eye contact with the kid as she sings? I'm not even close to a phone shamer, but in this one particular case, I'm totally down with the 'put down your phone' thing.

5) Don't be the "wooooooooo" guy.

Once you woo for your kid, we all have to woo for our kids. I didn't go to a pep rally, dudes. I went to an itty-bitty kid concert. They don't know how to handle five minutes of parents out-wooing each other after each song. They just want to sing again, so...can we let them? Fist pump at home.

 

Kindergarten Kids - On Parenting Books

Problem:

The twin that is usually the more reasonable twin has been acting out in a big way this past week. As always happens after they've been behaved for a stint, the sudden pushbacks, non-stop attitude, and tantrums throw me off-guard and I immediately forget that we just had three months of normalcy. I immediately think, Oh, God. What am I doing wrong.

And with that thought comes the parenting books, with that thought comes the Internet searches. Because I want this to stop and I feel the need to change my behavior to make it stop. I automatically discount growing and learning, and want the torture to cease.

This time around, I chose to look into Calm Parenting. Because I am NOT a calm parent. I do yell. When they're behaving, this is not a big deal. And when they've been misbehaving for a week, it's actually also not a big deal because I've acclimated to the current normal. But during the switch from good behavior to bad, all of a sudden, I'm yelling all the time. Because I'm flustered and don't know what to do, and what the hell is even happening?

And of course, I want to not yell all day.

But, it turns out, calm parenting may not be for me.

Because I simply cannot do it. At least not all in all at once.


Solution:

As with anything, you have to take what you can use and leave the rest.

I absolutely cannot leave my children's lives and decisions in their own hands, allowing them to "discover their authentic selves, all by themselves." I will discipline my kids. The books say this won't allow them to learn to self-discipline, but I disagree. At this age, they CANNOT self-discipline and it is unfair to ask them to do so with no barometer in place. Right now, I'm still them and they're still me in their eyes. Therefore, I am their SELF-discipline. If I am loving and keep the emphasis on the actions not the person, they will learn which behaviors they need to self-monitor at a later time.

These books and articles I've read encourage "not pushing your agenda or ego" on your child, and allowing them full space to live their own lives. At three? That's bordering on cruel to the kid, I think. Talk about confusion. They're not ready! That's why parents are there, no? To help a child mold her internal monologue so that she actually has something to fall back on that has been consistently presented to her. We are the inner core, we are the voice, we are the moral values. To NOT be that is to ask your child to parent herself at a really young age.

There's being empathetic and not bullying and making your child feel heard and respected, but that can all be done within the boundaries we set in our home.

...

And I've got a whole other post planned about the "example dialogues" these pieces present. Oh. My. God. Stop.







 

Kindergarten Kids - The Made-Up Parties

Problem: 

Earlier in the week, my girls were talking with one of their friends. They started imagining what a sleepover would be like. They'd climb trees, bake things, play games, jump on beds, and go to sleep. They are in love with this image. They have really built it up in their minds. And over the days, the narrative changed from them describing what a sleepover would be like for them, to them telling me they were invited to a sleepover, and could they go?

This sleepover is apparently today. They insist their friend invited them. I've told them no less than a dozen times and possibly closer to 100 times now, that kids can't invite other kids over for sleepovers when they're five. The parents have to invite them. Having not heard from the parents (they have my number), I can only assume they know nothing about this.

So, my kids are super upset that I'm not letting them go to a sleepover that they made up. They've asked me to call the parents and tell them my girls are coming to sleep over. Because that would go over really well.

"Hi, my rambunctious twins want to sleep at your house. Cool? See you at 5."

I've explained to them that I can't invite them to someone else's house. I told them that in a few weeks, we could invite M to our house to play. You know, following the proper rules of society.

No good. We always have people over our house, and they never go to anyone else's house.

Anyway, lest I thought the battle was over, this morning, my daughter woke up at 7 a.m., came into our room and demanded I drive her to M's. We hugged her and explained again how society works.

No good.

She got upset, and decided to take matters into her own hands:

Not only are they going to a madeup sleepover, they're apparently driving there with no keys and no ability to actually open the garage door. They kill me. Hahahaha.


Solution:

Repetition, repetition, repetition. Eventually they do get it. This is a message she didn't want to receive, but there is nothing to be done. No reason for anyone to get angry, even though the premise is utterly ridiculous. It's not to her.

And the girls bring up a valid point. No one does invite them over. I assume because there are two of them. And to be honest, if there were a sleepover, I wouldn't let them go anyway. 1) because they're five. 2) because I can't trust that they'll behave at someone else's house. Particularly if they are together. Too easy to fight over the affections of the inviting friend. They have to grow up before I make other parents take care of them.

Anyway, the biggest point I want to make here is, be honest, be straightforward, and be calm. Do not allow them to feel like they were able to manipulate the situation to their whims with elaborate schemes and shenanigans with other kids. I absolutely am not calling M's mom. If the girls collectively want to do a sleepover, they can do it the right way, through the right channels. I am not going to reward sneakiness on any level.

Yes, it's very innocent right now, but I know all about this. I did this a lot as a kid. You think your parents won't let you do what you want, so you try to spruce up the story to make it more appealing to them, or like it's already in motion and would take more effort to stop than to just go along.

Nope. Go through me, go through other parents, then make your plans. Us first, then you.



 

Kindergarten Kids - "You're Never Going to Have Everything that Someone Else Has"

Problem:

I have a thing about fairness. I really want everyone on the Earth to be treated fairly and given the same advantages. I also felt like I had worthwhile points to make on this justice idea when I was a kid. As I've mentioned before, this sometimes makes my life miserable, because the girls think they are real people with valid points all of the time, even when they're being totally ridiculous. Add that to their inability to contain their emotions and their learning of the world around them (which takes a lot of energy and goes through massive misunderstandings before they get it right), and you've got a recipe for chaos.

I like to think it's a kind chaos and one that will prepare them to speak up for themselves no matter what someone else throws at them.

And for the most part, I'm able to keep it to an even keep, let them have a voice, and promote that their ideas and feelings are important.

However, someone recently sent me this and it sums up the negative side of this tactic.

And this is so true, and another huge issue I promote. To me, it goes right along with fairness. But to the girls, it flies in the face of it. And I get that. From a five year old's point of view, it's only fair if everything is equal.

But that doesn't mean I don't have to change it. I do and I will.

Solution:

I'm going to attempt to change their definition of fairness and equality. I actually used that last line on one of my kids this morning and she was like, wtf are you talking about. But I'm going to keep doing it. This is what I've been missing in my quest.

As adults, we sometimes forget that we have to build the assumptions our kids are going to live by, block by block. We can't skip parts and assume they'll get it.

Sure, I was teaching fairness, but fairness to me means something different than it does to them, and if I want them to have the foundation upon which I base my fullest self, I have to give that to them, succinctly and directly. I can't expect them to just figure it out because that's what I think.

And sometimes these things are so ingrained, they don't really have words to go with them. They're just...the way things are. They're almost below consciousness. They are just the way things should be.

It was good for me to see one of my building blocks put into words. Now hopefully I can do so for my kids.






 

Kindergarten Kids: Discipline Fail

Problem:

Sometimes even the gentlest of parents yell, and I am by no means anywhere close to the gentlest of parents. I yell. A lot.

I yell because no one responds to me.
I yell because shit is falling apart everywhere.
I yell because no one listens to me.
I yell because to my kids, fighting with each other is more important than whatever I have to say.
I yell because there is a general lack of respect for my authority.

There's a lack of respect for it because I've worked hard to show my kids that their opinion matters, that I value fairness and that I am reasonable when it comes to good debate...even with toddlers.

So, I'm not really going to fix this by going authoritarian. I'm trying to do something here, and I'm hoping it will pay off in the long run.

Still, enough is enough, and I have about, oh, NO patience at all, and so I yell.

And sometimes when I yell, my kids cry.

I had liked this, not because I like my kids to cry, but because I mistakenly assumed they cried because they realized the enormity of fault in their behavior, and had finally decided to correct their ways, and that they were so sorry for pushing me to that point.

HAH.

No.

Recently, one of them started practicing a stonewall face, which, above all, could drive me into a rage (which I don't give into, because just like above where they're not getting it like I thought they were, here, she has no idea that this is a mark of disrespect and honestly,  even though crying says to me you listened and responded and stonewall face says you didn't listen and didn't respond, in neither case are they listening or responding.)

In a fit of what I can only call parenting genius, I asked the kid calmly what the blank face was all about. And she told me.

"I'm doing it so I don't cry."

And my heart broke a little. I remember this. I remember this. I remember crying when people yelled at me, and not getting the words at all, just giving in to the emotion of the situation, and then working, practicing, working so hard, on a stonewall face. Because they yelled to make me cry. And I didn't want to give them that satisfaction anymore. And maybe if I stonewalled, they'd stop yelling, because they'd no longer be making me cry.

But notice, nowhere in my list of admittedly bad reasons why I yell is "to make my kids cry."

That is not not not not not not not the point.

The point is to convey importance of subject matter, irritation at repetition, and to change behavior.

Only it hasn't worked in five years, so I really doubt it's going to happen now.

Solution:

While no one is going to be a perfect disciplinarian all the time, it's important to remember to talk to your kids after the incident.

And not just talk to them about what they did and why they need to do something else, but also talk to them about what you did. And what  the point of that action was supposed to be. I told my daughter that I absolutely wasn't trying to make her cry when I yelled at her. It wasn't a game where I won and she lost if she cried. There's not a power struggle here (my kids live for power struggles, being twins). I already had the power, and I didn't feel any better about myself for making her cry.

Long story short, that it wasn't the point.

And that it was okay for her to blank her face out, and maybe it would remind me to talk to her instead of yell at her, but when I did talk to her, she had to listen, repeat what I said back, apologize for specific deeds if necessary, and give me a plan for the future.

By involving her so much in the discipline process, I automatically get the engagement I was looking for with the yell, and she feels empowered to make a change. Not to mention, it gets a clear explanation--what was unacceptable and what she needs to change. That hadn't been as clear as I'd thought it was before.

This is a better way to discipline. Not only because I don't yell as much, but also because it actually accomplishes the goals I was trying to accomplish through yelling in the first place.






 

Kindergarten Kids - What to Do about the Damn Phone

Problem:

Your kids could be silently behaving for hours on end, playing nicely, giggling, leaving you in utter peace and quiet, giving you the most idyllic of days.

Then their Spidey sense activates. You've taken out the phone and put it to your ear somewhere in the house.

Tantrum Engage! Suddenly, the only thing they can think to do is maul each other, screaming and crying the whole time. There's toy throwing, there's inconsolable sobbing, there's the inevitable child following you around looking for justice... "MOM, SHE _______ ME!"

Meanwhile, you just wish you had a kid-sized fly swatter. Why do they do this? Not only is it annoying to the tech person, teacher, interviewee (I'm a journalist), or anyone on the other end, it's mortifying.

I mean, is it their main goal in life to make me look like the worst parent ever at all times?!

Solution:

There are a couple different ways you can go.

First, you can try telling them to stop. It won't work (probably) but you've got to keep that hope alive, right? I mean, maybe today's the day!

When that doesn't work, put yourself in another room. Lock the door if you must (my kids are five, so that's okay for me to do). Usually, of course, they'll hang right outside the door, screaming into it.

If that is the case, tell the person on the other end to hold on. Put them on mute to spare them as you go into the battlefield. Discipline your kids in the manner of a crazy person who's just been humiliated in front of some stranger they need help from. Put kids in room. Go outside. Walk a bit away from the house. Apologize to other party on the phone and quickly finish up.

The most important part of this happens after the phone call. My kids are actually finally getting better about phone calls after months of me doing this.

After it's over, go and talk to your kids calmly. Tell them the behavior is unacceptable and sometimes you are going to be on the phone and that you expect them to act appropriately when you are. This isn't going to work, of course, but after millions of repetitions of the same thing, it seems the kids are starting to get an inkling that the phone is not their enemy and they can just chill out when you're on it.

If you always do the same thing (I always go outside to the front porch when the call is important and verbally cue them that I am on a phone call and I'll be back in a minute) they get used to it via pattern recognition and do even better at laying off.

Alternately, never use the phone again.

GOOD LUCK.


 

Kindergarten Kids - Storytime

Problem:

It's bedtime and instead of reading a princess book the kids have already heard a million times before, you start to mix it up. You get all JK Rowlings. You make up a story, and not only that, but you make it a serial story, so that you tell another part each night.

But you're not JK Rowlings. So whyyyy did you do this to yourself?

If you're already knee-deep in it (like me), here are some suggestions to help you out of the never-ending story hole.

Solution: 

1) Do not, under any circumstances, make the main characters your kids.

It seems like a great idea at the time. In fact, your kids may even request it. And why not allow them to even further relate to the crappy characters you're making up on the fly? Two reasons: 1) they shouldn't need it. They'll be able to relate to the characters whether they share physical features and names or not. 2) If you make them your kids, and then you give them, say, magical floating powers when they wanted, oh, let's just use this random example, hugging to make people feel better powers...now you've got a tantrum or a sulk on your hands, and it's like, yo, who is even telling this story, and how are you upset about floating powers anyway, they are obviously awesome.

2) Avoid anything that could be scary, even a little scary.

This is hard because any sort of conflict or suspense scene or anything at all where motives could be questioned, where good guys may not even always be good, all these things can lead to the dreaded, "mama, I'm too scared to go to sleep." So be prepared for your story to be nothing but parties and singing and specialness. They will really suck, but I'm saying my kids couldn't even handle being thrown in a dark room for two seconds before the purple fairy rescued them with a vine. That was too scary for them. Great. Surprise parties and pretty dresses it is. (Just kidding, though. Tomorrow, I'm venturing into ogre and guard dog territory as the girls climb a mountain to get the gold coins to pay the person keeping the princess fairy locked up. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. AFTER A WEEK OF FRILLY NONSENSE, I AM TELLING THE STORY.

Sweet dreams, kids.



 

Kindergarten Kids - Eat your Food!

Problem:

Sometimes, kids are picky eaters. And sometimes (like in my case) they just don't like to eat at all. At 5 and a half, my kids stand at 44 and 43 inches respectively, and weigh 40 and 35 pounds. They're not in danger, healthwise, but they are thin.

And they don't like to eat.

Doesn't matter what it is. Their favorite food, their least favorite food. The most you can get out of them willingly is a few bites.

In fact, up until way past when I should have (think 3), I was feeding them. Because somehow, getting that fork from the plate to the mouth is the longest, most arduous journey that has ever been undertaken. And it happens at least three times a day.

The joy!

Solution:

What I've taken to doing is giving them more than I would normally give them. Because my kids exist to make my life miserable, so as long as they feel like they're getting one over on me, they're more likely to do what I need them to do. Like eat.

So that as long as they get to leave half their food on the plate, they don't care how large that half is. To them, they've won the battle of whether or not they have to eat their whole dinner. And to me, I've won the battle of getting them to eat just as much food as I would have given them normally.

Then I make a show of not wanting to let them leave the table because there's still food on their plate (because if this were too easy, they'd get suspicious). And when I let them get up "after two more bites" they are pleased at their will being indulged.

Only not. Because I win again, you fools!

Sometimes, anyway.

The extra food I either eat or pack it up for the next time, because, honestly, we're not rich enough to just waste a whole bunch of food to play a game like this when I really should just force my kids to eat what's on their plates.

Whatever. I do what I've got to do. It's working, so far.



 

Kindergarten Kids - Night Terrors

Problem:

Out of nowhere, your child is "waking up" at night screaming and talking gibberish. She's clearly scared and distressed, but there's nothing you can do. You go to her, hold her, bring her into another room, rock her, talk to her, smooth her hair, try to comfort her. Her eyes are open but she can't see you. She stares past you, through you, seeing things that aren't there. Obviously horrific, terrifying things. And she's calling for you, she needs you, but you're right there! Nothing you can do will shake her out of it. She'll go on and on, then out of nowhere, appear to "drop back to sleep". As you return her to her room, sometimes she'll wake up, and ask you why she's not in bed. She remembers nothing.

One of my daughters just started having night terrors. She's had three in about a week and a half. First time in her life. I'm at a loss.

Solution:

I have been told by multiple sources including friends, family, social media, and even academic studies, that there is nothing you can do. You just have to wait them out. Apparently, children grow out of them. I'm slightly concerned because in my opinion, five and a half is late to develop these terrors. I was under the impression they started most often at two and three, and wrapped up around now. So there's that.

I can't really sit around waiting it out, so we're trying various things. I feel certain (as many people have suggested) that it has to do with over-tiredness. The girls have stopped napping entirely in the afternoon, and I know better than anyone that they are tired. They go to bed around 9 p.m. and get up at 6:30 a.m. each morning. It's like this because of my husband's work schedule. He doesn't get home until 8 p.m. most nights. The schedule was working fine when they napped after school, but without that extra hour-two hours, the girls are struggling. So, we're trying to adapt down to an earlier schedule.

I thought it was perhaps a recently started allergy medicine, Zyrtec. I stopped it. But three days after stopping it, she had her third terror. So, it's most likely not that (although I haven't started it again, just in case.)

It could also be sugar. The day of the third terror, she'd consumed more sugar than an army of kids should consume. It was her half-birthday (we celebrate those), so she had had cake, cotton candy, regular candy, and root beer. Damn. So, we're trying to cut down on the candy, too, but of course, it was just Valentine's Day, so there's going to be a lot of "no" and a lot of tantruming in this house forthcoming.

Somebody mentioned red dyes. We don't have too much of that, I don't think.

Anyway, if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know. But for now, it looks like I'll have to sit by absolutely helpless for 10 minutes or so every so often while my daughter screams in terror, unable to comfort her.

The only relief is that the kids going through this don't remember it happening.



 

Kindergarten Kids - What to Do When Your Kids are King of That Awkward Moment

Problem: 

My kids are loud. And curious. And not particularly sensitive. Nor do they give a shit about decorum, politeness or how the world even works. Most of the time, it's like they don't even go here, seriously.

Any time they see something different in any way lately, they've been quick (and loud) to point it out. Either they'll ask a question:

"Mama, why does that mama have such fat legs? You don't have fat legs."

Or they'll make a statement:

"I don't want to sit there, mama. That man looks scary." (It was a woman.)

Then, of course, I mean, what do you do? The subjects of the observation, whether it was shouted or whispered (you know the whisper of a five year old...you can hear it across the room, and, honestly, that almost seems more rude, because in the whispering case, it's as if they know they shouldn't say something, but they do anyway)... Anyway, the subjects of the observations have no obligation to laugh it off, and I really can't blame them for the dirty looks thrown my way. If some jerk kid said something like that about me, I'd be casting dirty looks too.

It's uncomfortable because as much as I want to talk to the subject about it, apologize for my child's accidental rudeness and use it as a teachable moment to show off how enlightened and awesome I actually am, none of that is called for, nor would it be appreciated. They don't owe me explanation time, and they certainly don't owe me buddy-buddy, kids-will-be-kids bonding moments.

Solution:

These untimely observations, of course, fly in the face of who I am, and what I'm trying to teach them. I continually talk to them about how all people are different and each one is lovely, that looks mean nothing, that it's better to be kind, understanding and helpful than to be pretty, thin or feminine.

Right now, for some reason, they're basically loling at me over this. I don't get it, but I believe (hope) that if I keep at it, they'll get the message that this is serious and important to their world outlook.

In terms of what to do right there in the moment? It's tough.

Gauge your insultee. How pissed are they? (The girls once made a really big deal out of a Muslim woman wearing full hajib, and when I looked over, mortified, I could see in her eyes that she was down to play. So in that instance, I was able to do a teachable moment type thing, and she played along and helped. By the end of our dinner, the girls had decided she was prettier and nicer than me, and maybe she could be their mom. This, of course, is a best case scenario).

In contrast, the woman waiting at the Olive Garden to whom the girls referred as a scary man completely and pointedly ignored us. I felt incredibly bad, but I explained to them in a quiet tone, although I'm sure she could still hear me, if she were caring to listen to me try to handle my brood, that she was a woman and all people looked different, and that was okay and wonderful.

In cases like that, try to discourage follow up questions. Talk to your kids about it more extensively at a later time. Remember, those on the other end sometimes do not want to be your teaching tool. They just want to live their lives.

The fat-legs commentee, on the other hand, shot me a really dirty look, and I cannot blame her in the slightest. If this happens, for goodness sake, apologize! Don't get long winded in trying to explain the question or behavior. They don't care. Honestly. That's just hot air to make you feel better. Apologize straight up, and tell the person you're working on it. Sometimes I take a jab at my own kids because I'm their mom and I can, and I'll say something like, "I am really sorry. We are working to make them into human beings. Progress has been slow." But, again, don't crack a joke if the person is super pissed. They don't have to listen to your bad attempts at humor as you try to lighten the situation.

Sometimes, you just shouldn't make light of things, you know?

Anyway, what I would recommend not  doing is scolding your child harshly in the face of such an observation. For the most part, at least in the case of my kids, they are not doing it out of meanness or bullying. They're just trying to suss out the world.

And, honestly, "we don't say things like that" sounds an awful lot like "we don't say things like that in public" to both your child and the person they've just insulted.

Good luck, Captain Awkward. I know we'll all need it.





 

Kindergarten Kids - Facing the Flu

Problem:

You've got all your normal shit to do, but suddenly you can no longer stand up. For three days, you can't move for the pain, you're feverish, and body aches doesn't even begin  to cover it. Then, when you do feel slightly better, you're weak. You can't stand for long periods of time. You can't raise your arms above your head.

Meanwhile, your kids are having blueberry fights in the living room because they're so bored, and mommy never comes out of her room anymore.

Solution:

The only solution for bad illnesses (I have the flu, but this goes for bad colds as well), is time. And you can't resent the time you have to take (although, of course, I do), because it's not going to make anything move more quickly. And when you start to feel better, you can't overdo it, or you'll be back on your ass again the next day (ask me how I know).

Basically, you need to take the moments when your brain is working (few and far between, unfortunately), and organize and delegate.

Anything that had a deadline, you need to change it. Get used to your house being a disaster. Have faith that you can fix it later. Ask your kids to work with you, if they're old enough. To make less of a mess or to go outside. Whatever. Have groceries and meals delivered. Trust me. Get only the essentials so it doesn't cost too much.

Importantly, keep your kids away from you. They'll want to be rubbing their faces all in your flu. Tell them no. Taking care of a sick child while you're dead yourself is hard. 

Wait. It will be over soon.

God willing.





 

Kindergarten Kids - The Holiday Aftermath

Problem: 

With the huge influx of toys, games and rubbish during the holidays, your house may seem messier and more cluttered no matter how organized you are. You have to get rid of the old to make room for the new, but how do you decide what gets the boot?

Solution:

There are several different ways to separate the keepers from the get-the-hell-outers.

1) Anything your kids haven't played with in two months or more, get rid of. (They'll tell you they'll miss it. They won't).

2) Check for repeats. These aren't always obvious. I mean, in my case they are because twins. So sometimes I'll get two headband makers, when I really only need one. For those who have kids of different ages, choose the one dancing Mickey you like the best. You don't need 2006's version and 2012's version, even though they're "different."

3) Let your kids open their own presents, and give away the unopened gifts (unless you are sure your kids would love the toy or game if they would just give it a chance.)

This seems cruel, but it's not. Like, my kids could not care less about little "action figures." (IDK what we call them these days). Bratz, My Little Pony, Littlest Pet Shop. They don't even open the boxes, and the ones I've pried open have just made a huge mess in my house and no one has even played with them once.

Now, if you don't open these well-meaning gifts, you could return them for something your family would enjoy, or (what I usually do), you can donate unopened boxes of stuff to people who can't afford it. Then they get something new, which is always rad.


 

Kindergarten Kids - Try Something New

Problem:

So this is the new year, and you don't feel any different. So how do you actually reinvigorate your life without burning yourself out? My suggestion is to try only one or two new things at a time, and make sure those things are for  you. You can do other new things for your kids and your family, but have a few just for you. And introduce them slowly, so that you don't feel guilty or selfish (which you shouldn't anyway, but I know you) for doing them.


Solution:

My personal solution was yoga, which to anyone who knows me is hilarious. I'm like a frenetic chipmunk in all things. I can't get through even 1/3 of a thought before my brain moves on to something else. I wrote up an account of my first yoga class yesterday. The point not being to scare you off new things (which it might, I can't lie), but to show that you can suck at something and still have fun, and still go back. Maybe.

I showed up with my friend, Leanna, and neither of us had ever been before. We were sitting on our mats before class talking about how she accidentally suffocated a mouse. Which we soon learned was kind of not the conversation people showing up at a yoga class expect.

Then my phone rang. Great. And the class hadn't started yet, so I just ignored it, thinking no big deal. Wrong.

The instructor walked in and said, "There is a phone that needs to be claimed." And I'm like, what, because it rang? But I didn't say anything. I felt like hiding, actually.

Someone ratted me out, though. "I think it's in the burgundy purse."

And I'm like, welp, this is getting off on the right foot then.

So, defensively, I said, "Are we not allowed phones for ninety minutes here? Because I have kids with needs, and I'm not turning my phone off for that long. Is this the wrong class for me?"

They helpfully and with no attitude at all (not) suggested I put it on vibrate. That was fine with me.

It was enough so that the instructor came over to me before the start and crouched down to my eye level (I know that trick!) and made a big deal about not starting on the wrong foot. 

This, of course, wasn't uncomfortable or awkward at all.

Then we had to start breathing which was a right mess. I don't like breathing in deeply. It takes too long. But I tried. Throughout the class, though, she was all inhale when you blah and exhale when you blah, and I was like, Crap! I forgot I was supposed to be doing extra special happy thoughts fairy breathing! And quickly overcompensated.

I hit the lady on the mat next to me in the face with my arm once, and knocked over my water bottle loudly another time.

At one point, the instructor asked everyone to relax completely, and someone farted. And I laughed (quietly, thank goodness.) I was the only one. Come on, isn't anyone else 12?

There was a short spurt I enjoyed where we did some poses that were really difficult for me. But the first half hour was all sitting and breathing. She said, "make your intention for the day. It can be for you, someone close to you, or the greater good."

I was all, my intention for today is to KICK ITS ASS.

Not what they're looking for there, I expect.

Then at the end we wasted (it felt like to me. I know that centering yourself and being one with whatever the fuck we're supposed to be one with is important, but I'm just not there yet) Anyway, we wasted the end thirty minutes lying there, doing nothing.

Jesus, I just about died.

She's all, invite the softness in. I'm all, dude, the softness was laid off about a decade ago.

I did learn that I clench my jaw like a mofo though. Every time she said relax your jaw, I was like, oh yeah. CLUNK.

Anyway, the whole time we were laying there doing nothing, I was running through all the things I could/should be doing instead, and when I wasn't doing that, I was berating myself for being privileged enough to be able to lay around and do nothing but think about myself for 30 minutes.

So that when she said, accept your inner goodness, my inner whatever just about died laughing and was like, but can we go now, though?

I had to go up to her after class, and say to her, look, I'm obviously really high strung and frenetic. I'm going to keep coming, I think, so please don't think I have attitude or look down on you or yoga or anything. It will just be me laughing at myself. I promise. I mean no disrespect.

She said, ... ... ...I think this class will be really good for you.

And I was like, sure, if I can get over analyzing the ceiling tiles for imperfections when I'm supposed to be letting the good air in or whatever, or softening my thighs, whatever that is.

Great start? Maybe not so much. But it was new, it was for me, (something I obviously need to work on), it was kind of fun, and I'll try it again. And that makes the new year new.






 

Kindergarten Kids - Sign up for summer NOW

Problem:

You're shoulders deep in winter vacation and pulling your hair out (in my case, not only can I not wait for
my kids to go back to school, it's been long enough (three weeks) where going back to school constitutes a life change which gives me anxiety.) So I don't want them to go back, and I do want them to go back. Ack, change. Anyway.

You also remember clearly last summer, in which you bent over backwards to keep your kids entertained. Fun things every day. Play dates, the park, the movies, the library staff knows you by name, for goodness sake. How you wished you'd signed them up for camps or sports or anything. But by the time you thought of it (June, tbh) it was too late. Everyone was full, sign ups had been closed for weeks, etc.

Solution:

Do it now. The desperation is fresh in your mind, you're ready to take action, so use that energy to commit to the future!

Here are some things you could sign your five or six year olds up for. (Just google these things in your town. Also, check the rec dept for more).

Swimming
Sports camps (soccer, basketball, tennis, gymnastics, lacrosse, whatever).
Dance
Theater
Bible school (not for us, but if you're into it)
Science club
Girl or Boy Scouts (I have girls so I have no moral dilemma here)
And several general 'day' camps

Go nuts! Even if sign ups aren't open yet, if you make a list of possibilities, you'll be less likely to forget when the time comes...and it's not too far away.

 

Kindergarten Kids - The Great Cleanup

Problem:

Santa came and left a humongous mess in your house. Wrapping, toys, boxes all around. It's overwhelming, and PS your kids do not want to help you tidy it up. Welp, too bad, amirite?

Solution:

First, come to grips with the fact that this is going to take all day. Second, split it up into two parts - clean the living area (by putting stuff "away" but not really cleaning or organizing) then on another day clean and organize the areas where things were "put away".

Getting the kids to help can be easier than you might think. You have to set up most of this crap anyway, right? So each time you tidy up an item, set it up and let them play with it for a while. Play with them. Help them learn it so that they won't have to ask you about such-and-such new toy every day for the next month. They'll have had at least an introduction to all things Christmas-cool. And it breaks up the monotony of cleaning for you, too.

So, take a toy out, set it up, teach them how to play with it, play with them for a bit, then clean the surrounding mess while they're busy. And when it's time to do the next toy, make them help you finish tidying the first, and have them put it away before you move on. Get them in the habit of associating playing with new toys and cleaning up the toys when they're done early on. Maybe it will stick. Haha, just kidding. It won't. But we can hope.