Mommy, why would white people want to let Black people be equal? And other stories

So, my kids are learning a fair bit about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., as they should.

Their limited world experience and faint grasp on big-picture ideas, however, combined with curriculum that could probably be improved, has thrown them for a bit of a loop.

Last week, one of my kids came home talking about this amazing "lesson" their teacher had them learn.

"Mommy, he split the class up in half, and he put us in two groups, then he told one group we were going to have a party, and he told the other group they couldn't come. They had to sit in another classroom. I was in the party group. I was sad because my friend was in the not party group. I was almost crying. But then he didn't do it, mommy. He didn't do it. He told us it was just a lesson."

Now, something sat funny with me about this lesson, but coming from my white-person frame of reference, I couldn't put a finger on what it was. So, we talked about what the lesson was supposed to be, and how unfair that would have been, and we applied it to the political, social and cultural backdrop of that time in history.

A wonderfully patient woman online soon explained to me why this lesson is off-base.

The approach is incredibly white-centric as it assumes that all the children in the class need to learn the lesson of discrimination through a cutesy classroom activity. It assumes that all children in the class don't already know how this might feel. Meanwhile, children of color already experience this on a daily basis throughout their lives, and don't need to play-act it to get an idea of what discrimination could possibly be about. And it's certainly not about parties.

...

Flash forward to today when my children were talking to each other about how funny Dr. King's voice sounded during his famous speech. I cut in to explain that he spoke fervently to evoke passion in his listeners and get support for the very important action he was trying to help facilitate.

We talked about how brave he and others were for standing up to the status quo without any power to do so, and without any guarantee of their safety. We talked about how very important it was to stand up for equality for all people, no matter where we fell on that spectrum.

Then one of my daughters comes out with this, after sitting silently for a moment, thinking it all over.

"Mama, why would the white people then want to give equality to the Black people? You know, since they had it all? They would want to keep it."

...
...
...

So, that was a really insightful and legitimate question. I answered with a grandiose speech about how all people were very important and the white people who were kind and good and thoughtful and smart knew that it was wrong to treat other people like they were. And they wanted to give equality because it was the right thing to do, and we must always do the right thing.

Another brief silence.

Then this:

"But, mama, you always tell us that life isn't fair, and that we can't make it fair."

...
...
...

And, man, can I just tell you I am not smart enough to be a parent?

I thought a while about how to simplify the different between fairness on an individual level and equality on an institutional level.

Eventually I settled on telling her that even though life wasn't fair in many, many things, it was up to us every day to try to make it more fair for those around us who had it harder. And I threw in a few "plus, that's a totally different thing, it's just the words are the same," for good measure.

The world is hard. Concepts are hard. The fact that we still live in a world where discrimination, inequality and oppression exist is hardest of all.

The Christmas Play

Once upon a time, about six weeks ago, my husband sent me an email about a cute community play that could use a few extra young girls. My kids love acting, and they rarely get to do it. This was a free experience, and not too time-consuming (just one practice a week, for two hours).

Enter the worst parenting decision of my life.

It's not that the play is bad, or that it's run badly or that anything, actually, is bad. It's just a horrible fit for us. As dramatic as my kids are, they are not trained in the way of acting, and they're still at an age where structure and order is very important for their sense of peace and well-being.

And you cannot expect a group of lovely volunteers who do this in their very limited downtime to be able to provide that kind of structure and order. With just two hours a week to practice, and a dozen kids trying to hammer down their lines and costumes and props and cues in that time, unexpected messes are bound to crop up.

It's been an excellent crash course in learning to go with the flow, but it's not a course my kids have been able to pass.

And it's my fault. I know that should a chair be moved two inches from where it is "supposed to be" my children may have a problem with that. I know that if someone accidentally skips their lines, they may have a problem with that. I know that they have trouble existing in the same small space together for any length of time (ask my womb), without starting to fight to the death because they are just so sick of sharing every damn thing.

I knew all this. And I also knew that signing us up meant we couldn't pull out without putting the hard work of others in jeopardy, as they would be counting on us to be able to do our part. I knew this. And I signed us up anyway.

We've had some tantrums. We've had some rehearsals where I've had to drag one screaming twin outside, and some where we've left clothing behind because, dang it, it just got lost and we had to leave now or we risked tearing the whole theatre down with our seven-year-old angst. One of them had to go home wearing one sneaker this week. (The other has since been found, thankfully).

We've had arguments over the Christmas tree changing position, emergency wardrobe malfunctions, and line bumbling. We've had a dead pig thrown on our feet accidentally, causing panic and mayhem.

We've had hours-long rehearsals every day this week over the time when usually the girls would be eating dinner and after their long day at school. Exhausted and starving, how could I expect them to keep it together?

Tonight, however, is the big night. Opening night. The night where my kids will say their lines, and sing their songs, and hopefully go with the flow. Will it be the worst ever? Will we ruin Christmas?

I simply don't know.

But I do know that my girls have memorized the hell out of Carol of the Bells and Good King Wencheslas, so we've got to give it a go.

And no matter what happens, I'm proud of us all for trying.

Christmas Giveaway -- Scentsicles

Christmas is coming. I know, I know, not even Thanksgiving yet, and not everyone is like me, listening to Christmas Pandora on repeat. But, but but! You don't have to be baking cookies, or buying presents, or decorating trees yet to prepare. And next week, it IS Thanksgiving, and we'll be putting up our tree!

We have a fake tree, here. It started because my kids used to be little, and I didn't want them eating it or poking themselves with it, or getting sticky or any of the other issues with a real tree. Now we keep it around because it's easy. I don't have the wherewithal to take care of a living thing, even for a month right now. And environmentally, I feel like my fake tree that's lasted several years is doing a great job being its fake self.

But that doesn't mean I don't want my house to smell like I have a real Christmas tree in here. For me, that means spruce. I know others like fir trees, pine trees and the like, and they're all fantastic, but for me, it's spruce.

And what my house has lacked in these years is the scent of Christmas. Last year I bought a candle. And that worked for a spell, when I remembered to light it. Then I had to remember to put it out again. But this year, I managed to grab some Scentsicles from Tree Classics.

My tree isn't up yet, but I had to try them out. They come six to a canister, and opening it up felt just like Christmas at home (even though I'm in Florida now).

I took just one out to test it for the past few days.

Just about the size of my hand, they come with hangers so you can hide them in your tree, but if you lose yours (like I will), you can use regular bulb hangers, too.

So, I just hung this little guy up on my wall, where my kids' stockings usually go. I wanted to see if I could smell it, just all by itself.

It's been three days now, and you know what, sitting here on my couch, 10 feet away, I can smell it, and it is giving me the perfect whiff of Christmas.

So when I put six of them around my tree, I'm going to breathe in Christmas all season long, I just know it.

And I'm lucky enough to be able to give some away to readers, too. Want some of these amazing little smelly sticks? Of course you do. It is Tree Classics' 40th anniversary, so they're giving some of their products away in celebration.

If you'd like to sign up for some of these amazing things, go ahead and put your name in. I'll do the drawing the weekend after Thanksgiving.

Woot!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Starbucks and the Internet's Bogeyman

So, Starbucks. I know, I know, but this isn't one of those posts, okay? I want to actually attempt to explain at least some of this bullshit.

As everyone in the United States has seen on repeat for the past news cycle, Starbucks replaced their red cups with snowflakes and doves on them with red cups.

The first I saw of the news was the sudden arrival of 80 billion posts on my friends' list complaining about people complaining about this change.

I saw not one actual complaint about the change.

My guess is, hardly any of my friends posting backlash against the backlash actually saw any original backlash either.

So, our knowledge of this "Starbucks controversy" comes in the form of replies to a complaint that, so far as I can tell, never really took off online. Sure, a few people were raising their hands to clouds and shouting Merry Christmas in their living rooms like every year, but, you know, most years we just tell grandpa to stop yelling at the TV and go back to our lives.

This year, for some reason, we decided to make up a bad guy and skewer him. And this news cycle, it happened to be right-wing Christians attacking Starbucks (whether or not they actually did). Because it is plausible enough that somewhere, someone who believes in the Savior was ticked off about the removal of a few white pictures on a red cup. Or, like, wouldn't it be funny and eye-roll inducing if there were someone mad about something like that? It WOULD. Okay, let's go with that. And then as people continue to open their computers, this happens:

Because it's an easy joke. It's an easy topic. It's an easy debate. It's easy. People like easy. And people love to tell other people that there are more important things going on than what they are worried about. Makes the first lot seem very important and worldly while they also get to contribute to the very topic they deem so unimportant.

And in this--very rare--case, Sbux cups actually ARE unimportant. (Usually, people telling other people their worries are meaningless because people are starving, or houses are burning and etc., are just falling back on a logical fallacy to inflate their own sense of importance). But not this time.

So, Starbucks cups.

Meanwhile, there is Mizzou, there are protests in the Philippines, Russia has a nuclear torpedo, we're close to finding life outside our solar system, Israelis are killing Palestinians in hospitals, Yale students are being Yale students, the ozone hole is as big as it was at record bigness, and the like.

All below the fold to Starbucks and its new cup.

Why?

Let me tell you.

In communications academia we have this theory called agenda setting. It basically states that the media set the agenda for the public and its opinion. To break that down: the media tell the people what is important to them and how they should think about the issue. And the public then responds. This is a self-propelling phenomenon, as whether or not the public agrees with the salience of the issue the media tell it is important, they still contribute to that salience by responding. Ergo, what the media decide to promote is the issue that goes to the front lines. And all the people railing against that power simply make that power stronger.

So, why would media focus on a Starbucks marketing decision, amid all the actual important news out there? As mentioned before, it is easy.

You see, even though media set the agenda for the public, media are beholden to what the public will actually talk about and they pay people like me big money to tell them what those issues are going to be. In the online age particularly, picking a topic that the public will respond to and argue over quickly and virally is of utmost importance to continue the relevance of any given publications, and guys, the media knows you a little bit. It's been serving you for a while now.

The media knows that liberals want to laugh about how stupid conservative people are, and that conservative people want to be like, bro, I don't even care about a cup, wtf, and that religious people want to chime in about a very important piece of their lives no matter where they fall in the argument.

The argument, remember, that isn't even happening because who of any importance actually said, OMG STARBUCKS HATES CHRISTIANS.

Not one person. At least in the early days.

In fact, the media TOLD Donald Trump (and a few other "important / newsworthy" people, that this was an issue, and basically invited them to be that guy. Because you can't fight a ghost forever.

So when Trump did his Trumply duty and spoke on it, we all wiped our brows in relief. It worked. The plan worked. We got our bad guy.

And when Dunkin' Donuts saw a chance to get its name in the news because holy crap, what a TON of advertising for Sbux right now, and that is totally unfair to the other coffee chains, it, too, made its own followup. Then Ellen and other people with credibility stepped in.

And now we've got a story with legs. And we get to sit back and say, "See, public? We told you this was a big deal and you heard it here first. We told you this was a big story. We broke this story. You know, the story we completely fabricated."

Another win for publications filling pages looking for clicks.

And the public began to play along. After a million posts starting with those memes above, then going into the actual news stories linked just after those, people started to voice their opinions on the issue and we got ourselves a nice (if tiny), eff-the-pc-police camp. So, thanks, internet commenters. You've done your job. In my public search, I found two. TWO.

"So I went to Starbucks to test the no Merry Christmas bull that Donald Trump has been talking about, and sure enough, they are not allowed to say it or write it on your cup! So not only do they support killing babies by employee matching planned parenthood, but they really have banned the use of Christmas this season! Thinking it's about time for a total boycott!"

"Christmas is the best holiday of the year. It has nothing to do with religion - it's about family time, snuggling, warm cider, christmas trees, gift-giving, reindeer and santa claus ...
The disappointment with Starbucks is about the PC-neutralization of American culture, and not about religion.
Once again Trump has the right idea. Dump Starbucks. Peet's has better coffee anyways, and they have holiday cheer!"

Okay great.


But we still haven't answered why the media choose to inflate the importance of stories like this. And I can't speak for them, I can only speak for me, but I can tell you, as a member of the media, it is hard to report on news. News is sad. And bad. And angry. And unfair. And people are fucking dying out there every day. And it's our job to tell you about it. And you don't want to hear about it, and we don't want to write about it, not because we don't care, but because we care so much, and we are helpless. We are the mouthpiece of the atrocities of the world, and we soon learn that just telling people about these atrocities does not end those atrocities. Only action and behavioral change on a systemic level does. And news articles are like bb guns in the fight to create that change. We have entire models on this, again, in academia. Changing behavior in just ONE individual takes the perfect recipe of facts, timing and interest on the part of that person that must be applied for months if not years. Changing the behavior in a society? That takes decades, and millions of voices, and the change is slow and painful and we're tired.

So, the public wants a break to complain about a cup?

Sometimes we just give up and agree. Yes, let's do that instead. For today. Tomorrow, back on the social justice boat.

Halloween 2016

Another Halloween come and gone. So many people had such amazing costumes this year!

We simply went trick or treating around our neighborhood, then out for dinner, and it was really great.

My husband dressed up for the first time ever (not at the restaurant, though, boo).

Happy Halloween to everyone else!

I went as "Hillary's Listening to Men Face"

My husband and kids were a clown, a vampire, and a pirate. I have the best family.

That little vampire does smile, I promise! She's just in character!

My kids at the first trick or treating event.

Dulce as a clown.

Natalina as a vampire.

So this is 33

I was going to make a list of presents a newly 33-year-old mother of six-year-old twins would actually want for her birthday, since presents are nice and all, but these days usually aren't what I really need.

But I got it all. Seriously.

Yesterday was my birthday, and yesterday:

- The garbage disposal was fixed and the sink unclogged. Huzzah! No more hand washing precariously in one side of the sink while increasing grossness built up no matter what I did on the other side! No more scraping food scraps and uneaten, soggy cereal into a bag and putting it out to roast in the Florida sun inside a black trash bin.

- I wrote a 1,200-word piece for the print edition of the Washington Post. One of my favorite things is being in real print.

- Speaking of, I picked up two copies of Backpacker Magazine Jul/Aug 2015, where an as-told-to survival story I wrote is on page 49. My first national glossy! Yay!

- I had a science story publish in another awesome magazine. One I had been trying to sell for a while.

- My husband came home from work with glittery wrapping paper, a cake, and a mini-bottle of champagne to celebrate.

- My kids and husband threw me the best party. They wrapped one gift each (pearls!, a Calvin Klein purse!, a hair styling gift certificate!). They sang me happy birthday. They ate cake with me.

- The girls did not fight or cry or whine or be annoying once during the whole thing!!!!!

- The girls, while they were supposed to be getting ready for bed, made me a PINATA, out of paper, tape, and some Hershey's Kisses, had their daddy hold it, and let me whack it with a sword...and IT WORKED.



Anyway, last year, on my 32nd birthday, I was going viral for an essay I wrote for the Washington Post. My first ever for a paid publication. I was giving interviews, and fielding phone calls, and trying to hold on as my life took a sharp--radically sharp--right turn from where it had been heading.

I'm still on that path, and so far, so good. It's been a phenomenal year, and this one will be too.

Is Valentines Day the new Christmas?

I don't love Valentines Day, but I don't hate Valentines Day, but I don't really care about Valentines Day, but not in the way where I feel the need to tell people all about how much I don't care (except for right now, but I'm going somewhere with this, so just hang on.)

To me, Valentines Day is a nice little holiday on par with, say, Arbor Day. It's like a mini-holiday. I've always considered it as a cute little side-note to a normal day where if you've got kids you've got to throw down for some extra crafts and cake, and if you've got a partner, you maybe buy a rose or a card or a chocolate heart or something. Then you say Happy Valentines Day and you move on to the laundry and grocery shopping.

Apparently I am wrong.

Inside this house, it's cool. My kids are watching MegaMind while slowly eating honey toast and bugging me about starting on their V-Day candy already. We've got a cake for later and some chocolate (the good kind...because I love myself). We'll play and work and do chores, and call it a day.

But on Facebook, oh, Facebook. I swear it is like Christmas up in my computer. Everything from Galentine's Day (which I didn't even know was a thing until this year, but sounds pretty rad), to Venereal Disease jokes, to sweet memes, to funny memes, to virtual cards. It's your favorite holiday, you hate this holiday, it's a commercial holiday, etc. etc.

Here, let me physically scroll right now, and I will paste the first five statuses on my feed. (Not searching for V-day, just the first five, regardless of content).

1) Happy Valentines Day to all the lovers out there. (picture of a flower)

2) Who says Valentines Day has to be commercialized? I just love any reason to celebrate and have some fun. (picture of homemade V-Day cards)

3) True love is picking the same thing to watch on Netflix. (Oh, FB and your sponsored posts.)

4) Valentines Schmalentines.

5) An Oklahoma student surprises thousands of women with homemade valentines so no one on campus felt left out this holiday (link to news story)

So, clearly, this is a big deal. Feelings about this are a big deal. Saying something about this is a big deal. But I still don't get why. The emphasis is really confusing me.

I mean, the people we love, we obviously love every day, but, yeah, it's nice to have a day set aside where we're reminded to tell them how special they are.

But that takes two seconds, for real.

So, here's mine. Happy Valentines Day, everyone. You're great.

Now I've got some dishes to do.

Adventures in Valentine Baking -- Guest Post

Okay, so the war of hearts and flowers rages on. But come on people, let me let you in on a little something it seems a lot of people don’t seem to get. You’re not the first person in the world to realize Valentine’s Day is a holiday designed to make you spend money.

Get this, Valentine’s Day is a commercialized holiday, just like Halloween and dare I say it, Christmas and Easter? But you don’t hear people yelling about how Halloween candy is only repackaged Easter candy with ghosts and ghouls added in to trick the stupid people into buying it. Or how pre-packaged Halloween costumes are so freaking expensive and ridiculous, and how everyone spends half their paycheck and winds up wearing the same types of costumes as everybody else anyway I love Halloween, I do. But I love Valentine’s Day and April Fools Day and St. Patrick’s Day too.

Valentine’s Day gets all the flack though. Every year, people revel in making ironic Facebook posts to show the world how enlightened they are and how they’re smarter/more secure/cooler/more cynical than the rest of those who enjoy celebrating such a frivolous day. I guess they didn’t get the memo that the rest of the world knows what they are doing, and yet some people choose to partake in it anyway.

Here’s another secret for you... You don’t have to spend loads of cash to enjoy a holiday. It also doesn’t mean you only show your love one day a year. To many it’s just a fun little holiday to brighten life a bit. Does that mean all the girls who get flowers are neglected by their significant others the rest of the year? Maybe. But that’s not always the case, and I would even bet that’s rarely the case.

A holiday is only as commercialized as you let it be. I don’t like the pressure that comes with Valentine’s Day or Christmas or even from birthdays. I like thoughtful gifts, sure... But thoughtful needn’t cost much. It doesn’t have to cost anything.

One of the sweetest things my boyfriend did for me recently was get excited at the grocery store when he saw they had tiny watermelons. Why? Because he knows I love watermelon. Simple concept really, but it meant the world to me to see him that excited to make me happy.

And to me, that’s what every day is about. Valentine’s Day just happens to have a theme to it which delights the inner child in me every time.

I love to bake, and I think I’m pretty decent at it too. I’m usually a bake-everything-from-scratch type of girl, even making my own homemade frosting. But I have lowered myself to cake mixes when my boyfriend told me he loves Funfetti cakes with specific packaged icing. So on his birthdays, I throw out my from-scratch baking ideas, hold my nose and bake the cake he wants most. Why? Because it holds special meaning for him and it makes him happy.

See a theme here? I like making him happy, and he likes making me happy. I assume most couples have that same mentality. If you don’t, well then I’m sorry. I personally think life is too short to spend it unhappy , but to each their own. What happiness entails for each person is obviously different, and discovering the little things that make a person's face light up with joy is part of the fun in a relationship.

Moving on, let's get back to what makes my sweetie happy. Besides Funfetti cake, there's one other food that makes his little heart explode from happiness without fail. Cherries. The boy absolutely loves anything cherry... Cherry soda, cherry candy, you name it and he loves it. He gets an adorable smile on his face whenever he talks about his love for cherries even, it's enough to make my own heart explode from the cuteness.

Last year, I bucked traditional gender roles because I know he’s a modern man who could handle it. I sent him chocolate covered cherries at work and he loved it. I patted myself on the back for that one, I still do.

I wasn't sure if I could top it this year because to put it bluntly, I’m unemployed and broke. I decided to avoid all traditional and overpriced Valentine’s Day gifts for something homemade and from the heart. I set out on a mission to find something cute, fun and delicious for his Valentine’s Day gift. I Googled recipes for sweet treats and then I had a very wise idea... Cherry pies. Who doesn’t love pie after all?

I went all out and decided to try and find heart shaped cherry pies and discovered a site that showed how to make small heart-shaped cherry pie lollipops. I knew that was perfect and needed to look no further. I didn’t even bother to entertain any other ideas. That was mistake number one, I’m sure.

I didn’t question my ability to make them at all.

That was mistake number two. I forgot one tiny little detail. I can bake, sure, but I have the artistic skills of a preschooler. I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler and I have no hand-eye coordination. Any craft I manage to complete looks like something a toddler mashed together with a glue stick and construction paper while eating cheesy poofs and watching cartoons at the same time. In fact, they probably can create something nicer than I ever could with that method. Somehow, I never learned how to be crafty.

None of that crossed my mind. I was determined.. The directions looked so simple, that even I could do it, right? I briefly entertained the idea of creating a small business selling heart shaped pie lollipops because I just knew once I showed them off to the internet, people would ooh and ahhhh and everyone would want to buy my beautiful creations.

I went to the dollar store and picked up a vase and some Red Hots. In my head, I planned on creating a dazzling and beautiful pie lollipop bouquet that would probably make you sick to your stomach just looking at all that sweetness.

The reality? Uhh yeah. It’s the thought that counts, right?

I bought heart-shaped cookie cutters and used the smallest one since they needed to stay on the stick. I used pre-made pie crust because I haven’t made homemade pie crust before and figured I’d play it a bit safe by not making the crust from scratch. Thankfully I did it this way because I realized halfway through that I didn’t have a rolling pin. Could you imagine my annoyance if I had made all the crust and couldn’t roll it out?

As if the task at hand wasn’t hard enough as it was.

I cut out a bunch of tiny little hearts and that almost seemed too easy. I had leftover dough and scrunched it all together and tried to flatten it out. Uh yeah, remember the part about not having a rolling pin? I had several lumpy, really thick hearts. I figured it wouldn’t matter. I’d find out later just how wrong I was about that, but I realized that was the least of my concerns at the moment.




I opened up the can of cherry filling and almost beat my head into the counter top. Stupid me. One cherry would take up the whole center of the heart. One cherry. It wasn’t the preserve like stuff they were using in the example, these were real cherries and I never realized how large a cherry was until I was trying to center a couple in the middle of a tiny 2 inch heart without going over the edges. Have you tried it? I think it would be easier to fit a square peg in a small round hole.

But I put one cherry in the middle and sealed it up anyway. Making this blob that looked like a pregnant pie ready to deliver the cherry baby at any minute. Then i realized I forgot the stupid stick which made it a lollipop in the first place.




That didn’t look like the pictures on the website...

So I did the next best thing. I drained just the juice and left the cherries out entirely. That should work, right? Not exactly. I discovered that when you try to close the hearts, all the juice seeps out the sides of the heart.

And crap, I forgot the stick several times and clumsily shoved it in the bottom.



Eventually, for better or worse, I had them ready to go into the oven. I was hedging my bets and working on a backup plan just in case though. The other roll of crust would make larger heart shaped hand pies because this looked like it was going to go very badly.



Mistake number three? I forgot to grease the pan. So they all stuck. Many fell apart from that alone. I taste tested the failures and realized I was eating pie crust on a stick. There were no gooey cherry innards to any of the lollipops.


FAIL.

Switching gears on the fly, I decided the larger heart-shaped pies would be better anyway. The first couple were beautiful, though seepage was beginning to be a problem. I wanted enough filling to make them taste yummy, but that meant that cherry juice seeped out the sides of the heart.





Being the optimist I am, I realized this only added to appeal. After all, knowing us, what would be more special than bloody hearts on Valentine’s Day? We are both horror writers after all.

My bloody Valentine’s Day hearts were going so well, I wanted to bake more. After all, the second crust only made a couple and the fun was just beginning. This is when I made the executive decision to run out for more pie crusts. And a rolling pin because I saw how chunky and bloated the crusts were that I’d hand rolled.



This was also about the time my sweetheart had gotten home for work and was getting ready to head over to my place. Time crunch. Mega time crunch.

First, Target for the rolling pin and I assumed they would have pie crusts. Of course, it’s me we are talking about here and why would I get lucky like that and be able to go to only one store? But they had some peanut butter chocolate chunk cookie dough that could make for a great gift too, so why not? Normally I make cookies from scratch too, but with the clock ticking away and possible pie failure on my hands, I said to hell with it and grabbed the cookies just in case.

This particular Target is known for people shopping like they drive. Meaning the lines are long, people are slow and they just stop right directly in front of you and block your path because whatever they’re looking at is more important than letting you through so you can get the heck out of there as fast as possible. This just made me panic even more and consider some shopping cart road rage, but I resisted. Needed to get home to the pies.

After long, agonizing minutes in one of two very long lines (when over a dozen lanes sat empty), I was finally free! But now I had to run to the grocery store for pie crusts or I’d just bought a rolling pin for nothing. Argh!

I got home just as he texted me that he was on his way. California traffic sucks, and for once in my life I was thankful he’d be caught in rush hour traffic. I hoped that it would be worse than usual, because I needed all the time I could get right now. At the very least, I had 45 minutes. I might have had an hour if things were really bad... Yikes.

I was still in my pajamas and it was going on 5 pm. I’d spent several hours baking... Something I’d thought would be a simple afternoon activity.

I made several more larger heart pies, and this time added some chocolate in them. However, whenever you’re in a rush, everything goes wrong because the Universe is always so awesome like that.

The problems I encountered were all new to me and hadn’t happened on the first two go rounds! Crust sticking to the aluminum foil I was working on and having to dig foil out of the dough several times. Crusts sticking to each other and tearing, including the bottom of the heart that got ripped off. You name it, suddenly all hell broke loose in my kitchen and I thought I might throw in the towel. Or throw all my pies in the garbage disposal and watch the little hearts spew cherry blood all over while feeling a sense of revenge over the little annoying suckers.

But I knew that my five hours baking would have been wasted for nothing. So being the patient girl that I am, I stuck with it. All the while daydreaming of the demise of these little pies, the new bane of my existence! I ate a few of the ugly ones out of spite.

I came down to the last two... Well I had just a little too much pie filling and you know how that goes, you have to use up every last drop. I had just a few too many cherries and my pride wanted to use every last bit of the filling to make it an exact science. I stuffed the last of the pie filling inside them, added chocolate chips and voila! They now spewed both cherry blood and some chocolate colored liquid that could be any number of things if you used your imagination. All because I couldn’t throw a couple cherries away. OCD be damned.

Pies all filled and the last ones were finally in the oven. I decided I couldn’t let the cookies go to waste or save them for the weekend. No, my desire to bake all the things kicked in and I couldn’t fight the urge. Heart-shaped cookies had to be made now as time ticked away and I knew he could knock on the door at any moment and catch me mid-baking frenzy.

I tried cutting the cookies before baking them and when I checked on them, I realized I didn’t have hearts. I had one large blob of cookie cake. So I cut them again. This time throwing the cookie scraps in a plastic bag because dang it, I won’t waste sweets. That’s sacrilegious.

I had just finished with the last cookie and pulled out my outfit for the evening when I heard the knock on the door. I had to answer in my pajamas. I had meant to dress up all pretty for our Valentine’s Day dinner, but looking pretty took a back burner to finishing what I’d started earlier in the day.

But I was finished and the gifts were a success, regardless of how they looked.

The cute little vase with the Red Hots, how did that turn out? Well see for yourself.



Not what I had in mind. Not what I had in mind at all.

They say presentation is everything, but I think I will stick with, “It’s the thought that counts”.

He loved them. He loves me. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Next year, I will have to one-up myself. Perhaps anatomically correct hearts with cherry blood seeping out. Now that would be fitting for the twisted little couple that we are. It gives me something to aspire for at least.


...

Kristen Duvall is a writer of tales both real and make-believe. A Midwestern girl at heart, she now resides in Southern California with her boyfriend, Great Dane, and a rescued calico kitty she lovingly calls the Kiki Monster. She's a full- time writer with one book out now titled Femmes du Chaos.

The toy haul - Best and worst

Well, it's the week after Christmas, and it's time to look at how the new toys are doing.

At six, for the first time, the heavy-hitting, expensive presents have outranked the cheap stocking-stuffer type gifts.

Most popular presents this year:

Puppy:

Bikes:

Seriously, the girls have been riding for hours every day since. A Christmas vacation saver. For real.

Second place goes to the Kidzoom cameras that also have games and a voice modulator. The girls take them everywhere.

Next up came the karaoke machine, followed closely by the archery stuff which was really just an upgrade from their birthday present of bows and arrows which they loved.

This is loud. We need to buy karaoke CDs. I can't wait. Yay.

Uno has been a surprise hit with three 2-hour games having already been played.

Now for the worst.

Very surprising fails are the tablet video games and the new TV (just a 32-incher). I'm guessing their stock will go up as the bike/puppy excitement wanes.

The walkie talkies would be a hit. If I could figure out how to make them work..

The Play Doh hasn't been touched, and the six-billion-piece Frozen activity sets were happening just long enough for me to have to unwrap the pieces, They now stand ignored.

.
In all, the girls had a very excellent Christmas thanks to our generous family members and friends.



 

Recipe - Golden Santa Bread (fail)

Making Golden Santa Bread was sure to be a horrible experiment gone wrong, and my lacking skills didn't disappoint. Labelled "meth Santa" by my friends, I won't be bringing him to any parties for people to nom on any time soon.

To make this masterpiece of modern science, see the recipe below the video.



4 to 4-1/2 cups bread flour
1/2 cup sugar
2 packages (1/4 ounce each) active dry yeast
1-1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup milk
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup butter, cubed
2 eggs
2 raisins
2 egg yolks
2 to 3 drops red food coloring

1. In a large bowl, combine 2 cups flour, sugar, yeast and salt. In a small saucepan, heat milk, water and butter to 120°-130°. Add to dry ingredients; beat just until moistened. Beat in eggs until smooth. Stir in enough remaining flour to form a stiff dough.
2. Turn onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 6-8 minutes. Place in a greased bowl, turning once to grease top. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1 hour.
3. Preheat oven to 350°. Punch dough down. Turn onto a lightly floured surface; divide into two portions, one slightly larger than the other.
4. Shape the larger portion into an elongated triangle with rounded corners for Santa's head and hat.
5. Divide the smaller portion in half. Shape and flatten one half into a beard. Using scissors or a pizza cutter, cut into strips to within 1 in. of top. Position on Santa's face; twist and curl strips if desired.
6. Use the remaining dough for the mustache, nose, hat pom-pom and brim. Shape a portion of dough into a mustache; flatten and cut the ends into small strips with scissors. Place above beard. Place a small ball above mustache for nose. Fold tip of hat over and add another ball for pom-pom. Roll out a narrow piece of dough to create a hat brim; position under hat.
7. With a scissors, cut two slits for eyes; insert raisins into slits. In separate small bowls, beat egg each yolk. Add red food coloring to one yolk; carefully brush over hat, nose and cheeks. Brush plain yolk over remaining dough.
8. Cover loosely with foil. Bake 15 minutes. Uncover; bake 10-12 minutes longer or until golden brown. Cool on a wire rack. Yield: 1 loaf.

For more, check out Taste of Home (not my home, though). They're better at this than me.

Recipe -- Cornish Hens

This year, Thanksgiving turkey was enough for me, and since I've already tried duck (disaster 2011), I thought I'd go for a slightly different bird. Enter cornish  hens. They are so small, I figured they'd be tough and gamy, but I was so wrong. They came out great. I will be making them with this recipe for many more holiday meals.

This whole holiday meal took me less than two hours to make, and since there were only four of us, we still have tons of leftovers. Here's the best recipe I found for the tiny hens.

• 
  3 Cornish game hens
  salt and pepper to taste
  1 lemon, quartered
  4 sprigs fresh rosemary
  3 tablespoons olive oil
  6 cloves garlic
  1/3 cup white wine
  1/3 cup low-sodium chicken broth
  4 sprigs fresh rosemary, for garnish

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C).

Rub hens with 1 tablespoon of the olive oil. Lightly season hens with salt and pepper. Place 1 lemon wedge and 1 sprig rosemary in cavity of each hen. Arrange in a large, heavy roasting pan, and arrange garlic cloves around hens. Roast in preheated oven for 25 minutes.

Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). In a mixing bowl, whisk together wine, chicken broth, and remaining 2 tablespoons of oil; pour over hens. Continue roasting about 25 minutes longer, or until hens are golden brown and juices run clear. Baste with pan juices every 10 minutes.

Transfer hens to a platter, pouring any cavity juices into the roasting pan. Tent hens with aluminum foil to keep warm. Transfer pan juices and garlic cloves to a medium saucepan and boil until liquids reduce to a sauce consistency, about 6 minutes. Cut hens in half lengthwise and arrange on plates. 

Spoon sauce and garlic around hens. Garnish with rosemary sprigs, and serve.


This is just from allrecipes.





 

christmas is the pits, family version

IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME, I ALREADY SPIKED MY COFFEE WITH KAHLUA AND THE VODKA IS GODDAMN NEXT.

no, seriously, i have been refreshing facebook all goddamn day waiting for something to be christmas-y enough to make it feel like i took the --

OH MOTHERFUCKER. i let my kids play in the fucking pouring florida rain because i literally cannot handle any more, and that lasted five stupid minutes. now one of them is wet and crying and won't change because she's playing a game with her sister whom she also wants to kill because she just doused her with shit-filled florida puddle water, but omg game though. also can i dry her dress by hand while she plays the game, and fuck you christmas eve. why did you think you could type on a keyboard at any point during school vacation?

-- anyway, christmas-y enough to make it feel like i took the horrible three-hour flight -- where my kids will have to go to the bathroom four times each and spill their fucking peanuts and cry -- to my ma's where it's probably snowing its ass off. she has no heat so the whole family, all BILLION of us, would sit around in stinky-ass slippers and three goddamn overcoats hoping someone will make a joke that's actually funny soon, and did anyone get uncle tommy whiskey this year?

but, no. my sorry ass is here, looking at stupid "my year has been great" facebook reels while i ignore my filthy, mudtrodden, 90-degree house and think, LIES. ALL LIES.

no one's fucking year was great, okay? for a hot second, i consider lining my sopping kids up in the living room to sing their version of jingle bells because they say whore instead of horse and that is literally the jolliest thing about christmas this year. get them all ready in front of our fake-ass tree with the bulbs on all sideways and only on the top half because we bought this puppy and not related but i'm sure that thing is shitting in the house somewhere right now. probably on the presents we couldn't afford that i tossed under the guest bed that never gets used because ain't no one visiting this hellhole. which is a damn shame since i make a really great disgusting jello mold for christmas. it's red and green and everything, motherfuckers.

at least my dad is texting me lines from christmas vacation. the only christmas movie that means a damn thing.

all i want is a whole pan of fudge i didn't have to fucking make and goddamn lifetime christmas movies where some woman younger than me is convinced she's never going to have my life and she's so sad about it she ruins christmas for everyone until she throws on her expensive purple coat, crashes a bar, gets smashed and meets the man of her dreams and VOILA. christmas fucking saved on the tiny-assed tv screen we have because again BROKE AS FUCK.

i like to watch those movies so at the end when they ride off on a sleigh pulled by stinky, probably almost extinct reindeer (i don't know if that's remotely true), i can laugh, down an entire glass of wine and yell at the box in my house like it gives a shit -- THAT'S NOT THE END OF YOUR SHITTY STORY, DUMBASS!

but then my kids would wake up and be all, OMG DID SANTA FUCKING COME AND BRING US ALL THE PRESENTS EVER AND WHY IS HER BOX BIGGER THAN MINE AND YOU'RE THE MEANEST MOMMY I HATE YOU.

so i just gloat to myself. just wait, tv heroine. your time is coming.

but i can't even do that because like two hours ago, i have to drag my brood to the grocery store in the pouring rain on christmas eve because we ran out of fucking eggs, and as a stay at home mom for fuck's sake the least i can do is make waffles on christmas morning out of the cheap waffle maker my daughter bought me for christmas with my money as i pretended not to look. we also need milk, and fuck, i don't know, more fucking jello.

then tomorrow i spend my whole day cooking. i got cornish hens this year because i don't know how to make them so when i fuck it up there's a legit reason to get takeout. oh wait. before the cooking, there's the 5 a.m. wakeup call because nothing says christmas like childhood greed that cannot be contained. i'm keeping the vodka straight next to the coffee so i don't forget tomorrow.

and lol my kid 'forgot' to take her sandals off before trying to take off her soaked christmas leggings and since i'm not helping her ass she's fake crying for her daddy because she thinks that makes me mad.

newsflash, kiddo, ain't nothing you can do to make me mad. also, i'm santa, so we'll see who's mad tomorrow.

just kidding though because it wouldn't be american christmas if millions of parents didn't overload their already spoiled brats with the newest frozen gear and games with a gazillion pieces that they'll have to clean up over and over again when those same kids leave that shit all over the floor to go play with a goddamn box or piece of ribbon or something. and as a typical american family, you bet your ass i'll help uphold that tradition.

then i'm going to post all the pictures on facebook and instragram and twitter and everyone will be jealous of my beautiful girls, their awesome presents, and our amazing, through-thick-and-thin love for each other.

which isn't a lie.

but neither is this.

merry christmas, singles.

for serious, this year, you go do whatever the fuck you want. drink one for us families while you're out.

(written in the style of bitches gotta eat, who is WAY funnier and more natural at this than me. GO THERE. READ IT FOREVER. IT WILL MAKE YOUR HOLIDAYS BETTER, I SWEAR).

What I'm teaching my kids about Christmas -- Guest Post

My little girls are still small--1 and 4--and they're into the holiday season. They love all of it: sparkling lights, Advent calendar chocolates, an Advent amaryllis that grows and blooms over several weeks, Santa in a musical snowglobe, the Chanukah menorah, and the Christmas tree with a bright star on top. They love hearing their Grandpa Ira's recorded rendition of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," and they love dancing and singing to Christmas music, especially by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

All these things are part of our Advent/Christmas ritualizing, but come Christmas Day, before (or maybe after) the flurry of presents, I'll add something more. I'll tell my daughters the story of a young woman named Mary who said yes to an extraordinary possibility, even though she could much more easily have said no. I'll tell them about Mary being pregnant with God's Word for nine months, and I'll remind them that Advent is the time when the world celebrates being pregnant with God's Word here and now. I'll tell them the nativity story from the Gospel of Luke, and I'll share with them how Jesus was laid in a manger, a feeding trough, so he could become the Bread of Life.

Advent and Christmas are occasions for joy, and they're occasions to teach my kids about some of the wonders of Christian faith: that God loved humanity so much that God became one of us, that a woman's consent changed the fate of the world, and that the world's salvation became food for those who hunger. I'll remind them that we, too, are part of the Body of Christ, which means we are also called to feed the hungry, and I'll talk with them about the donations I've made to the food bank every time I've shopped during Advent. I'll teach them that Christmas is about receiving the gift of God's presence so we can learn how to make our own presence into a loving gift for others.

...

Kate is the married mom of two precocious tots. When she's not chasing them or dancing around them or singing at the top of her lungs with them, she likes to drink coffee, make yummy food with her hubby, edit other people's writing, pray, and write edgy pieces on religious topics. You can check out her blog, Thealogical Lady, at lifeloveliturgy.com. (And, for the record, that "a" in "Thealogical" is no accident.)

Wrapping presents – A whistle stop tour of how to do it neatly -- Guest Post

I know Darlena has posted before about not being able to wrap presents neatly; I never used to be able to either, but I've learned by observing others, and I once wrapped a round cake tin into a perfectly square package without using a box or any cardboard reinforcers, so I've been on both sides of the fence.

Sidenote: I know that a post like this would be infinitely better with photographs, however, what I have in gift wrapping abilities, I definitely lack in getting technology to talk to each other, so although I took some photos, I have no idea how to get them on to the computer (yes, in this day and age!), and therefore I'll just need to paint that verbal picture. Also, for all of these, I'll leave adding ribbon, bows, tags or other embellishments for after, but think about what you want to go with what – if you have a busy paper pattern, for example, you'll probably want a plain gift tag, and no ribbon.

The biggest tip I can give regarding wrapping is to use enough resources – enough paper, enough room to spread out, enough equipment, enough concentration, enough tape, enough time. Most people that I've seen do a bad job of wrapping presents don't allow themselves nearly enough of these resources.

I have found that by far the easiest place to wrap presents is on a dining table/large desk. Clear it off properly first, don't just bunch the clutter up – but if that really isn't possible, the floor is easier than the bed, in my experience.

What equipment will you need? Obviously, paper. Get plenty of it. More than you think you will need, by about half. Paper is often reduced in January, so you can stock up ready for next year – but make sure you have somewhere to store it where the ends don't get damaged, because otherwise you'll lose any savings in cutting off the damaged pieces. A 12''/30cm ruler is essential, as is a pencil. Tape, obviously, and scissors to cut it if you don't have a dispenser; although with tape, I find that more pieces, shorter in length, works a lot better than trying to get one long piece to behave itself. There's no reason to have a piece of tape longer than about 2'', in my experience. For wrapping certain items, elastic bands (later covered with ribbon) are also invaluable.

My secret weapon for cutting the paper, though? A letter opener! Or use the blade of a long pair of scissors if you don't have one.

Make sure you allow enough time, too. 20-30 minutes per parcel, and if you're wrapping both a box and its lid, count them twice. Break the wrapping up into a few chunks if you can, or at least take regular breaks.

If you can, depending on who else is around in the house and what you need to keep secret, try and separate your wrapping by the type of parcel – oblong or square box; soft items (scarf, jumper, etc); bottles; small, awkwardly shaped items (costume jewellery, chocolate coins); round boxes; boxes with lids that you're wrapping separately; etc, because you'll need a different strategy for each.

For oblong or square boxes, orient the box so that the design on the wrapping paper is the correct way up when the box is the correct way up too. Use your ruler to measure the width of the parcel (in the direction of the roll of the paper), and then divide that in half.

To figure out the width of paper to cut, line up the edge of the box with the edge of the paper, roll the entire parcel over and mark where it gets to with your pencil. Then add on the half value you calculated earlier, and mark that again. Move the present out of the way and extend the line a little – make sure to use your ruler to keep it straight, at right angles to the top and bottom edges.

Turn the paper over (so the pattern is now face up), pull extra out and fold it back on itself. When you see the second mark you made, fold the paper down and use the edge of your ruler to make a smooth crease. Use your letter opener or the blade of your long scissors to cut along the crease between the two layers.

Move the roll of paper out of the way, and repeat the process for the other direction, but you don't need to add on the half measurement.

Widthways, bring the paper about ¼ of the way across the present and, if possible, tape the paper to the present. Roll the present tightly in the paper, making the corners crisp, and tape down starting in the middle and working outwards. This should also be about ¼ of the way across the present.

For the edges, there should be just enough paper to cover the length of the box, with no excess. Orient the present the correct way, press the paper at the edges down, making sharp creases down the sides. Fold the sides in and the bottom (which should be a perfect triangle by now) up, and make sure to fold both sides before you tape either – this is the key to getting them to look neat, and adjust them if you need to.

For soft parcels, the process is similar, but because they don't really have a 'depth' the way oblong parcels do, you will need to add extra paper on to the height when measuring from the bottom to the top of the paper – an extra 5cm/2'' should be enough. Just make sure that when you fold the triangles up, you leave a small gap (1cm) between the present and the fold. I don't really know why this matters, but it really makes a difference if the fold isn't right next to the present for soft items!

For bottles, the easiest way to do it is if you're sending two: pull out a long length of paper, lay the bottles across the long edge neck to neck, with a large gap between them. Roll up across the height of the paper (or part of it), fold in and affix the ends, and then carefully twist the bottles away from each other, and bring them down next to each other so the twisted paper makes a handle. Then just tape the two bottles together for stability and the job's a good'un.

For just one bottle, and for small awkwardly shaped items, the technique is the same, but use different sizes of paper. Cut two squares that are each big enough to wrap the gift, and lay them on top of each other at an angle. You could use three layers, but that may be bordering on wasteful. Put the item in the centre and gather the paper up around it; secure with an elastic band. To make this easier, wrap the elastic band around your finger a few times, and then slide over the edges of the paper, rather than trying to loop it over multiple times, which is likely to tear the paper. Then poof out the top bits until it looks nice – make sure they top pieces are not too short. This technique looks especially good if you use tissue paper for the inside layer and wrapping paper for the outside.

If you have something long and thin like a pen box that would be fiddly to wrap up as an oblong, or you have any kind of tube, the best way to do it is as a Christmas cracker. Wrap the length of it as you ordinarily would, but leave plenty of room at the ends (the exact measurements will depend on the size of the parcel). Secure with elastic bands as above.

For a round item (a tin of biscuits, that cake tin I mentioned), cut a very large square of paper, put the item in the centre and bring diagonally opposite corners in and tape; there should still be room between the item and the paper at this stage. Once the corners of the paper have all been brought in, repeat with the corners of the new shape, to give a square parcel.

To wrap up a box with a lid, it depends on if you only want the outside wrapped up (do it like an oblong box but only include enough paper for the three sides you want to cover, and the same with the lid), or if you want to wrap up the insides too. In that case, the technique I recommend is the one shared by Jen at I Heart Organising in this post on drawer dividers: http://www.iheartorganizing.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/diy-cereal-box-drawer-dividers.html

This would also work to wrap up boxes with lids that do not have right angle corners, I think – just use multiple strips, and overlap them.

Good luck!

...

Katie Grosvenor is a writer and guest contributor to parentwin.com

Shopping for fancy dress -- Contributor post

I’ve known about my husband’s office holiday party since early November. It’s at a swanky downtown hotel. The invitation specifies semiformal dress.

I translates this as “suit and tie” for him and “cocktail attire” for me.

I’m going to throw up.



Me: Short, postmenopausal round with chubby retail feet and roadmaps for legs. My hair is streaked gray. I’m starting to jowl.

Wardrobe: Work uniform, jeans, t-shirts in the summer and long-sleeved t-shirts or turtlenecks in the winter, hoodies, sneakers. I usually pull my hair back with a clippie. I always wear fake gold hoop earrings because I tend to lose anything that’s real.

A few years ago, at my husband’s urging, I splurged on two “just in case” outfits – two tweed jackets, two matching tops, two pairs of matching pants, two pairs of matching shoes. I haven’t worn any of them in over a year, maybe two.

Clothing makes me anxious. Oh, I can window shop and say that X is cute or that’s a really nice cut/design/color, but you have no idea how anxious it makes me. I can’t afford nor can wear most off-the-rack clothing with any kind of panache. Younger overweight me’s vomit-inducting body anxiety eventually exchanged itself for full-blown panic attacks in the middle of our local mall or refusing to attend whatever-it-was because I needed this particular item and I didn’t want to spend the money or admit that I was THAT size.

I’m nowhere near as overweight now but the anxiety still clings. Nowadays I treat clothes shopping as a military mission. Browsing makes me anxious because what’s the use of browsing if most clothing, nice clothing, doesn’t fit you, especially if you have a disappearing waistline?

Jeans, t-shirts, sneakers. It’s easy and I don’t have to think about it.



So back to this holiday party. One day my husband and our housemate tag with me to Expensive Department Store With The Widest Selection Of Evening Wear.

I’m automatically drawn to the sleek uncluttered dresses made for six-foot stringbeans crooning standards in a Las Vegas nightclub.

They steer me toward the separates. “You’re smaller on top than the bottom,” my husband whispers.

“The trouble with tops,” says our housemate, “is that they’ll fit her at the waist but the shoulders will be too big, or vice versa.” She picks out several spangled tops and sends me into the dressing room.

This makes me feel like a sausage. Hate the color. Too low cut. I’d need a strapless bra (ack, MONEY) to wear this, Spanx (SPANX? ME?!?) to wear that. Too tight, too short-waisted, I’m swimming in this, too tight…

I feel queasy and sit down.

An hour later I’m staring at the floor trying not to cry, piles of shiny sequined bedazzled fabric at my feet.



They eventually find a top while I stare at the floor: It’s an explosion of rich red lace with beribboned roses sprinkled with small red sequins here and there. My husband knocks on the dressing room door and hands it to me.

Oh god no, it looks like something my GRANDMA would wear! No…wait a minute, it’s got some give. Oh, OK, it’s not THAT low cut. Three-quarter sleeves, narrow black ribbon makes it sort of peplum which means it’d give me waist, maybe? Hmm.

I slide it on and peek at myself in the mirror.

Ohhh, I LOVE this color! It’s not too low cut. It’s…holy crap, I HAVE A WAIST! OK, the shoulders are a little big, but maybe…if I pull it down like this maybe?

I keep gazing at my reflection as I turn one way, then the other. I don’t hear our housemate knocking at the door. She exclaims in delight and leads me out so my husband can see. He beams.

Suddenly my mouth feels very dry because OMG, I actually own a bona-fide evening-type fancy top…|ME?!?!?





Then there’s the tale of the skirt for this top, but I’ll save that for another time.



...

Kathi Bourke is a guest contributor on Parentwin.

Attachment Parenting and Halloween -- Guest Post

Halloween is coming, and sure to come along for the ride are the likes of tantrums over costumes, sugar buzzes and upset tummies, fear over scary decorations or stranger's houses, and general chaos. For parents of the "crunchy" or "Attachment Parenting" persuasions, Halloween can lead to some additional considerations as we gently try to help our children navigate the holiday without losing our ever-loving, granola-eating, co-sleeping minds.

With Attachment Parenting International's 8 Principles in mind, here are some tips, tricks, and treats for an AP-Friendly Halloween Experience!

Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

Okay, so obviously you've already gestated and birthed your little goblin, but we can capture the spirit of this principle by preparing appropriately for the Halloween festivities. Talk to your children about the plans for trick-or-treating, try on costumes ahead of time, and give consideration to the weather in your area. For example, we live in Wisconsin, so any costume that can't fit over a full snow-suit is just poor planning. Find out the hours for trick-or-treating in your area, and walk the route you plan to take before Halloween. Have flashlights for when it gets dark, tissues for when little noses start to run, and bags or buckets to collect the candy in. Generally speaking, plan ahead and involve your children in your preparations so everyone is on the same page.

Feed with Love and Respect

There is no one way that "Attached" parents feed their children, so this will look different for different families. If you try to eat mostly organic, you're likely to be disappointed in the piles of candy that come home with you. If you're vegetarian, you'll be on the look out for candy containing gelatin. If you've got a child with a peanut allergy, the supply of Snickers won't just be a let-down, it will be danger. Consider ahead of time how to approach your family's food considerations. Decide how many pieces per day you'll allow. Plan for a "candy exchange" wherein your child trades in their candy for healthier or safer treats you've pre-purchased. Set an example for your neighborhood by offering healthy/organic/vegetarian/allergen-free/insert food descriptor of choice treats. Ensure that breast fed infants are regularly offered a chance to nurse and pay attention to hunger cues that can get missed in the excitement.

Respond with Sensitivity

There is a good chance that before Halloween is through, something is going to scare or upset your child. Affirm their fears and feelings, and be there to comfort them with a soothing voice and empathetic words. Pay attention to your children, watching for cues that they may be becoming over-stimulated, and take a break if needed. Watch the path ahead for scary or startling objects or costumes, and either point them out to your child before you approach or avoid them if possible. Oh, and don't do that super mean thing where you pretend you ate all your child's candy and video tape their reaction. Just don't.


Use Nurturing Touch 

Your touch will help your child feel safe and secure through Halloween festivities. Hold hands or carry your child while trick-or-treating or at events. Place a reassuring hand on their shoulder while they ring the neighbor's doorbell. For the ultimate in nurturing touch, go for a  babywearing costume!

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

This is probably a no-brainer, but limit candy consumption close to bed time to avoid hyperactivity and upset stomachs. Allow adequate time between trick-or-treating or parties and bed time to allow your child to wind down. A quiet, relaxing activity like completing a puzzle as a family can be a nice transition from the excitement of Halloween to the solace of sleep. Allow your child time to process any feelings of fright or insecurity while you prepare for bed time.

Provide Consistent and Loving Care

As much as possible, keep your routine consistent and predictable. Doing so can help  minimize tantrums triggered by unexpected disruptions or unexpected situations. Be physically present and emotionally responsive, and answer your child's questions about your Halloween activities in a loving and respectful manner.

Practice Positive Discipline

When the inevitable happens and misbehavior occurs, respond with gentle, positive discipline. Try to determine the needs leading to the behavior (Is your child hungry? Tired? Confused? Frightened?) and respond to those needs, rather than reacting to the behavior. If possible, involve your child in determining an appropriate solution to their perceived problem.

Strive for Balance in your Personal and Family Life

Congratulations! You've given your children a fun-filled and happy Halloween! Don't neglect your own needs and self-care in your quest to maintain your parenting philosophy through the challenges of Halloween. Achieve balance by hiring a sitter for some adults-only Halloween Fun, or raid their candy stash while they're in bed! (For some reason, every Butterfinger in the bag looks suspicious!)

Happy Halloween!

...

A full-time wife and mother and a part-time substance abuse counselor. In her spare time (ha!) she blogs at Fine and Fair, a blog written to and for her children about the ups and downs along the journey of raising them as responsible citizens of the world with the values of compassion toward all living things, environmental responsibility, conservation, and celebrating diversity in all of its forms. Joella is passionate about the principles of attachment parenting, breastfeeding, feminism, and vegetarianism. She enjoys gardening, hiking, cooking and baking, crafting, making music, and aims to discover joy and beauty in each new day.

Blog: http://www.fineandfairblog.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/fineandfair

Twitter: https://twitter.com/fineandfair

Etsy Shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/FineAndFair