How to bake eggs into the basket with the oven -- Fail kitchen

Not much of a fail here...unless you count my awesome 90s style. Easy to make eggs in a basket.

Bacon Bites Fail ala Drunk Kitchen

I've got petulant bacon curling up, and angry bacon grease spitting at me as I try to push it down. It's like parenting all over again.

Go subscribe to the channel though. All the funny fails every time I'm in the kitchen. For real.

Fail Kitchen -- S'more Cones

"I am disappointing, in all things."




You don't need a recipe for this one. Just throw shit in a cone and put it in the oven. Only, of course, I couldn't manage that.

Fail Kitchen -- How to make flourless pancakes

Okay, so the recipe on this one was really easy.

2 eggs
1 banana
Mix and fry that shit.

And it looks like this:

And it tasted like...scrambled eggs with banana in them. Yech.

And the process was like this: (worth watching, if only for the un-human way I bend my elbows when trying to flip a pancake.)





And...just don't make these. If you want a pancake, make a pancake.

Recipe: Epic Snickers Bar, Fail Kitchen

Well, I finally bit the bullet and tried to make a 15-lb candy bar. I should have just eaten all the ingredients...again.

The recipe was taken from here.

But first, can I just say...don't do it?

Please don't.




Still interested?

Fine.

Good luck to you!
 

Recipe - Golden Santa Bread (fail)

Making Golden Santa Bread was sure to be a horrible experiment gone wrong, and my lacking skills didn't disappoint. Labelled "meth Santa" by my friends, I won't be bringing him to any parties for people to nom on any time soon.

To make this masterpiece of modern science, see the recipe below the video.



4 to 4-1/2 cups bread flour
1/2 cup sugar
2 packages (1/4 ounce each) active dry yeast
1-1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup milk
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup butter, cubed
2 eggs
2 raisins
2 egg yolks
2 to 3 drops red food coloring

1. In a large bowl, combine 2 cups flour, sugar, yeast and salt. In a small saucepan, heat milk, water and butter to 120°-130°. Add to dry ingredients; beat just until moistened. Beat in eggs until smooth. Stir in enough remaining flour to form a stiff dough.
2. Turn onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 6-8 minutes. Place in a greased bowl, turning once to grease top. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1 hour.
3. Preheat oven to 350°. Punch dough down. Turn onto a lightly floured surface; divide into two portions, one slightly larger than the other.
4. Shape the larger portion into an elongated triangle with rounded corners for Santa's head and hat.
5. Divide the smaller portion in half. Shape and flatten one half into a beard. Using scissors or a pizza cutter, cut into strips to within 1 in. of top. Position on Santa's face; twist and curl strips if desired.
6. Use the remaining dough for the mustache, nose, hat pom-pom and brim. Shape a portion of dough into a mustache; flatten and cut the ends into small strips with scissors. Place above beard. Place a small ball above mustache for nose. Fold tip of hat over and add another ball for pom-pom. Roll out a narrow piece of dough to create a hat brim; position under hat.
7. With a scissors, cut two slits for eyes; insert raisins into slits. In separate small bowls, beat egg each yolk. Add red food coloring to one yolk; carefully brush over hat, nose and cheeks. Brush plain yolk over remaining dough.
8. Cover loosely with foil. Bake 15 minutes. Uncover; bake 10-12 minutes longer or until golden brown. Cool on a wire rack. Yield: 1 loaf.

For more, check out Taste of Home (not my home, though). They're better at this than me.

Recipe: Christmas Jello Shots

These took a while, and tasted...okay. They looked great though, even though I messed up like a million times. Shows it can be saved.

1 3-ounce box cherry gelatin dessert

1 3-ounce box lime gelatin dessert

3 packets unflavored gelatin

1 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk

1 1/2 cups vanilla vodka

36 dollops whipped cream (for garnish)

36 mint leaves (for garnish)

72 small red candies (or 36 if using just one for garnish)

DIRECTIONS

Lightly coat a square dish with cooking spray, and then using a paper towel, wipe out the dish. It will leave a light residue to help unmold your shots, but it won’t affect the taste.

For red layer, sprinkle half of a packet of gelatin over ¼ cup of water. Allow it to soak in a minute or two. Add one box of the cherry gelatin, along with 1 cup boiling water. Stir until everything has dissolved. Add 3/4 cup of vodka. Repeat the same process to make the green layer.

To make the white layer, sprinkle two packets of gelatin over ½ cup of water. Allow it to soak in a minute or two. Pour in 1 cup of boiling water and one 14-ounce can of sweetened condensed milk. Stir until everything is thoroughly mixed and gelatin is dissolved. You’ll have approximately 3 cups of liquid. Allow to cool to room temperature.

Pour half of the red mixture into the prepared pan. Place pan in refrigerator to set, about 20 minutes or so. Once set, add 1/3 of the white mixture to the top of the red mixture. Pop any air bubbles and return to fridge to set for about 20 minutes. Repeat with half of the green mixture. Then white, then red, then white again, then green. Allow finished pan to set another 2-3 hours, or overnight.

When you’re ready to serve, gently pull the edges away from the pan, and invert onto a cutting board. Slice into even squares. (Alternately, you can just cut in the pan itself, but it might be harder to remove the first few squares).

Place on serving platter and top with whipped cream, using a piping bag or can. Top with a small mint leaf and a red candy (or two) to simulate a holly leaf.

Fail Kitchen -- Apple Crescent Rolls (NOT a fail!)

Go ahead and google 'shiny bacon vaginas' and you'll see what I'm talking about.






 

Fail Kitchen - Brain Cupcakes

"It's not going to be perfect. It's a brain. It doesn't have to be."

Fail Kitchen - How to make creepy apple grins

This one is a great family craft if you're up for it.

Fail Kitchen - Apple Roses Cream Pie

Yeah, no. "You're stupid dough hook."









 

Fail Kitchen -- Doggie Sandwich Fail

Did not nail it. Nope.

Cutting grapes in half with a plate? LIES.

Yeah, no. Not as easy as SOMEONE made it sound...





 

FAIL KITCHEN LINEUP - July

Another big month here on Fail Kitchen. I've got recipes coming out my ears. At least thirty I haven't had a chance to write out yet, and so many more we've done and are doing. Here's what's coming up:

Magic Custard Cake: This tasted fantastic. It didn't, um, look like the picture though.  Recipe Here.

Again, a great try. We almost had this one.  Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Candy Bars. And this was last week's episode. I moved it up in line because it was supposed to be patriotic. Only the blue and red and white kind of didn't show up. We tried. Recipe Here.

And these are still waiting for their video debut!

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Next up for filming?

Dog sandwich buns, which just say...bake in the oven. What could go wrong? Recipe Here:

I will only be frosting ONE cupcake like this. Because seriously? Recipe Here:

Ice Cream Cupcakes? Maybe I could do this? Recipe Here:

And yes, I've totally been avoiding this apple pie like thing. Because ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE? I need more energy to attempt. Recipe Here:

And amazingly, that's just a tiny silver of what's coming up. After these? We've got:

The Epic Homemade Candy Bar
Apple Crescent Roses
Baked Egg Avocados
Homemade Samoas

Phew. It's going to be a busy summer!

And don't forget our latest videos, omg.



The "patriotic" candy bars...




Watermelon cake, which was OH SO CLOSE.



Zebra Cake, which my friends have started lovingly referring to as vagina cake. Yum.




And the Oreo Ice Cream Cake, where my kids pretty much steal the show.

Plus a whole bunch more on the Fail Kitchen Youtube Channel. Go subscribe!

 

The Fail Kitchen Lineup - June

In lieu of a recipe this week, I thought I'd list out the EVER-GROWING request list for Fail Kitchen.


Here are the ones already in the pipeline:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Watermelon Cake. Original recipe here:

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Zebra Cake. Original recipe here:

No Bake Oreo Ice Cream Cake. Original recipe here:

And there are dozens more I've not even touched yet. People seem to have a lot of suggestions for me.

Here are the next batch up to film:

Oreo Peanut Butter Brownies. Recipe Here.

Magic Custard Cake. Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Raspberry Bars. Recipe Here.

Roses Apple Pie. Recipe Here.

And the suggestions for after these are just as amazing.

World's Biggest Candy Bar

Ice Cream Cupcakes

Goldfish Frosting

Apple Crescent Roses

Yummy Dog Sandwich

And, I've also got a new round of recipes I have to look up! I think I'll do The State of Fail Kitchen every month or so, as the recipes and fails refresh, so stay tuned.

And of course, don't forget about the awesome recipes already up on YouTube!

Jelly Worms:


Blooming Onion:


Chocolate Covered Strawberries: