FAIL KITCHEN LINEUP - July

Another big month here on Fail Kitchen. I've got recipes coming out my ears. At least thirty I haven't had a chance to write out yet, and so many more we've done and are doing. Here's what's coming up:

Magic Custard Cake: This tasted fantastic. It didn't, um, look like the picture though.  Recipe Here.

Again, a great try. We almost had this one.  Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Candy Bars. And this was last week's episode. I moved it up in line because it was supposed to be patriotic. Only the blue and red and white kind of didn't show up. We tried. Recipe Here.

And these are still waiting for their video debut!

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Next up for filming?

Dog sandwich buns, which just say...bake in the oven. What could go wrong? Recipe Here:

I will only be frosting ONE cupcake like this. Because seriously? Recipe Here:

Ice Cream Cupcakes? Maybe I could do this? Recipe Here:

And yes, I've totally been avoiding this apple pie like thing. Because ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE? I need more energy to attempt. Recipe Here:

And amazingly, that's just a tiny silver of what's coming up. After these? We've got:

The Epic Homemade Candy Bar
Apple Crescent Roses
Baked Egg Avocados
Homemade Samoas

Phew. It's going to be a busy summer!

And don't forget our latest videos, omg.



The "patriotic" candy bars...




Watermelon cake, which was OH SO CLOSE.



Zebra Cake, which my friends have started lovingly referring to as vagina cake. Yum.




And the Oreo Ice Cream Cake, where my kids pretty much steal the show.

Plus a whole bunch more on the Fail Kitchen Youtube Channel. Go subscribe!

 

Guest Post - Baking Made Fun for You and your Kids

Today I'm lucky enough to have a guest post about making baking into a fun, time-filling activity with your kids! Special thanks to Jennifer Mackey!
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Baking day is here in your household once again! You'll soon get to experience the joys of having your kitchen covered in flower and egg shells scattered on the cabinets. No doubt exists that a mound of sprinkles and chocolate chips will soon take up residence on the floor. Sure, your children might enjoy all of this; however, how can you make cooking making fun for you and your little ones?

Host Cookie Swaps 

When the kids are really little, they'll likely aim to please you. As they age, however, baking might become more of a chore. Host a Christmas cookie swap at your home so that they have guests to impress. Let them bake their own batch to exchange with family members and friends.

Simple Recipes 

Sometimes children have difficulty with recipes that involve a great number of ingredients. They'll become bored, or they may find it too complicated for them. Yes, we know you love your homemade cookies, but it might be necessary to step it down a bit when working with little ones. Scrape off those cookies that you just cut and put them into the oven yourself. To make it a little bit more fun, give kids sprinkles to dress up the cookies before popping them into the oven. They can pretty much do the whole process by themselves aside from putting them in the oven.

Decorate, Decorate, Decorate! 

To piggyback off of the sprinkle idea, you should also include a plethora of decorating items for your kids to use. Have chocolate and rainbow-colored sprinkles, so kids can go with their color of choice. M&Ms, chocolate chips, Reeses Pieces and other little candies serve as good options. Remember, chocolate will melt if you put it in the oven, so kids can decorate when they come out of the oven too. Buy plenty of icing and fudge, and kids will be able to make smiley faces or other pictures of their choice on the delightful and delicious cookies.

Cookie Cutters 

When you think of silly cookies, images of cookie cutters likely come into your mind. However, these fun little shapes are not only for Christmas. Halloween cookie cutters and Hanukkah cookie cutters are also popular. Do you want to find cookie cutters for other holidays and celebrations? Simply visit a store that sells Wilton products or visit Amazon for a plethora of options. You can also provide slightly older children with plastic knives, so they can cut out their own shapes. The possibilities are virtually endless when children have the flexibility to make their own. Once they cut out the shapes, you can add on the decorating component.

Baking with children, regardless of how many of these tactics you may employ, can still end up creating a bit of a mess in the kitchen. However, just look at the smiles resting upon the faces of your little ones. The smiles will be worth all of the splattered flour, brown sugar and sprinkles in all of the world. Enjoy those cookies now!

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Jennifer Mackey is a child development tutor and a contributing writer for termlifeinsurance.org

 

I Don't Wanna

Would you like to see my sink?

 I'll answer for you. No, you would not. Because this morning, at 8 a.m., just 45 minutes after my husband woke me up by doing sit ups at the foot of our bed, I was trying to clean the kitchen quietly, without waking the kids up. Because every sleeping second is sacred. I assume that's the reason for the early-morning sit ups. Sometimes, you just need to do things alone, and 6:30 a.m. is the only time you have.

Anyway, I'm stalling. Stalling about writing about it, just like I'm stalling about doing anything about it.

This morning at 8 a.m. I ran the disposal without checking. I saw it before it happened. Just a split second before it happened. That piece of cooked pork, you know the one, the edge with the fat on it that everyone seems to push to the side. Usually, it makes it to the garbage. I had no reason to think it wouldn't have this time. But I hadn't checked. I should have checked. Never, ever run the disposal without checking, am I right?

Even as I went to wrap my fingers around its grimy, decaying frame, the suction grabbed it and pulled it down. Right past the old, basically useless chopper. Right into the pipe. Where it is still sitting. At 3:30 p.m.

Because I don't wanna.

Oh, the picture. Here. Have a look. Because I've got the IQ of a chimp, I ran the dishwasher after this ordeal. What's the worst that could happen, right?

Oh.

 Do you like my sign? I bought it specifically for times like these. Because I know me, and I knew there would be times like these. And that plunger over there? Didn't work. I mean, there is an inch-thick piece of pork about three and a half inches long stuck in that pipe. It's not going anywhere.

And I don't wanna.

Just call a plumber and get it over with, right?

Well, we rent.

Even better! Call the landlady. Get that crap taken care of.

Except then I have to admit to everyone (not counting you all) that I'm the idiot who let my sink eat an entire pig.

I'll wait it out. There's got to be a way.

I'll use this:

 You can't go wrong with a surprisingly cheerfully red bucket, can you? With the bucket, plunger and Drano by my side, I'll be sure to best this this.

Only, I didn't have Drano.

Oh, well, drat. Guess I'll have to pack everyone up and go to the store first. Pity, really. And since we're already out and about and it's close to lunch time, how about take out food at the park for lunch? Yay! I'm the best mom ever.

The best mom ever who does not want to.

Don't wanna.

By the time we get back, it's past 2 p.m. Off to bed with the little ones. And I can't try to fix the sink while they're sleeping. It would be too loud.

So, yeah, that's my sink.

When they get up, we'll go after that sucker with the bucket. Then we'll dump boiling water down there, and plunge. Then we'll have to use the bucket to get the boiling water out, since that won't work. Then we'll Drano and plunge. Then we'll have to wait for my husband to come home when that doesn't work, so he can empty the catch basin pipe thingie. Then he'll have to quickly put it back together while I call the landlady to call the plumber, which is what I really should have done this morning at 8 a.m.

But I didn't wanna.

And people say I don't listen to advice. Pfft, please.


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Toddler Tricks - 5

Ways to trick your baby:

Problem:  If you have toddlers, they are probably tall enough to reach all the drawers in the kitchen (not to mention the oven), and they'll spend endless entertained hours emptying those drawers.  But sometimes the contents of those drawers are dangerous.

Solution:  The obvious solution here is to install a baby safeguard lock, essentially childproofing your drawers and cabinets.  But, read on.

Ways your baby tricks you:

Problem:  In my house, my toddlers have super-strength and easily bent the child safety locks out of position, leaving us with an open drawer full of sharp silverware, complete with a now-broken white plastic hook installed on the front.

Solution:  Get used to putting all sharp and dangerous items far out of baby's reach.  You never know when one of those locks will break, and if you have to lock up the contents of a cabinet, I've learned, you really shouldn't have those objects in the lower cabinets anyway.  Things may look a little messier in your house for a while.  This is our new silverware drawer: the top cabinet over the counter intermingled with the coffee mugs.

Toddler Tricks - 4

Ways to trick your baby:

Problem:  My toddlers love to "help" me do chores.  They especially love to help me cook.  With a hot stove, bubbling oil, or a burning oven broiling, this can be really dangerous.

Solution:  Give your kid something related to cooking that's safe.  Let them play with it, figure it out, and then have them hand it to you at a safe moment.  Discovering every aspect of the new object will keep them occupied while you flip the french fries, put the roast in, or boil the water.

Ways your baby can trick you:

Problem: Sometimes, when you give them a simple task, they can misunderstand you, either accidentally, or, in this case - when I asked them to help me set the table by putting the napkins in place - on purpose.

Solution:  When you give them a task that takes them out of the room, keep listening for tell-tale sounds that they may not be doing exactly as you've asked.  Key words include: uh oh!, oh no!, mine!, and - my personal favorite -  shhh!

Alternately, you can just put them in the cupboard for safe keeping.

Just kidding, of course.  Mostly.