Birthday parties in the modern age

My kids are turning seven next Monday, and to celebrate, I'm throwing them a party at a local bowling alley on Saturday.

Now, when I was a kid, we all still lived close to our extended family, so my network of aunts, uncles and cousins was virtually limitless. Because of that, my mother had extra hands on board, and extra friends of friends and siblings to help undertake this task. And at the very least, SOMEONE would show up to my party because they were related and their mom brought them.

But it never got to that point because when I was growing up, the Internet wasn't a thing. In order for my friends to get together, my parents had to make an effort to get to know their parents, and they did. But it was also easier because everyone was in the same boat. Communities had to get to know each other. They were there for life. Other parents stuck at the tee-ball game would chat to you because they didn't have smart phones and their network of friends far away in the computer. They exchanged phone numbers. We had a post-it note with my friends' number on it in our cabinet for 20 years, no lie. And it wasn't weird to go out and ask for the numbers and then use them.

When my kids were in kindergarten, I went to a parent-teacher conference night and basically attacked other parents for their phone numbers. And I never used but a few of those numbers because the parents and I never had cause to interact again, and honestly, I don't even remember their names. I should add that no one has asked for my number. It's just not something that's done anymore. I've never gotten a call from a parent asking my kids to come over to play--a mainstay of my own childhood.

And so, I find myself here. Just a few days before this party. With three kids coming.

I sent out a mass email to the 53 kids in my kids' classes last year. But no one knows who I am. No one even probably remembers who my kids are. Friendships are...different these days. I don't know anyone's address so I couldn't send cute invitations in the mail. When the bowling alley gave me a stack of invitations, I was like, um. I can't use these. I can't call to confirm or make this in any way personal because I simply do not know any of these people. It's only by luck that the three kids are coming at all, their parents probably happy to have an afternoon off for any reason, and my being a fellow parent at our elementary school official enough for it to be okay.

I want to break out of this for my kids and for their social lives, but I'm not quite sure how to do it. Even when I have in past invited children to play, the parents have stayed at my house, probably because they don't know me because we never have an opportunity to speak. At least not one that we take. I'd probably have been better off introducing myself as "the woman you see walking with twins behind her every school morning" because that's how people actually know me. I'm serious. I'll get stopped on the street, in the gym, even at a restaurant or bar with "are you the woman who walks your twins to school every day?" This is how far we've wandered, people.

I have to send another mass email out today to the parents who didn't respond, meaning, I have to go through and match email responses to email addresses and delete those who responded from the second mailing because I do not know these parents' names. It's all very sad and embarrassing.

Right now, though, we do have six kids coming, which is plenty for me.

This coming school year, I will do my best to promote at least acquaintanceship with other parents. I will try to learn about at least four families and their children. I will reach out, at least a little, and hope against hope that that is reciprocated. My kids deserve better than this online life. Even if it's very hard for me to try.

Making it out of school alive (or Z to A month)

My kids do great in school. They make good grades, love to learn, have fun absorbing information like a sponge, and they both have wonderful, caring teachers this year, to boot.

So why do I have to dress them up like zebras, then have them bring in yo-yos, then Wheat Thins, and then wear velcro, and today wear University of Florida gear...

and then,

guys, it doesn't stop.

The first grade is doing this lovely little TWENTY-SIX DAY project called Z-A. And every day the girls have to do something different for the letter as addressed on the cutesy calendar the school sent home.

And I'm doing it, I really am. I'm a great mom, I swear. I even sent my kid to school today in one of my old Gator sweatshirts because we have NO gator clothes. I am committed.

But I am already tired.

And on top of it, it is teacher appreciation week (which I feel is much more important), so we're picking flowers off the roadside and making baseball cupcakes and other adorable snacks to celebrate our teachers. We're giving dollar bills in envelopes marked "room parents". We're bending over backward here, as parents, just as the end of the year sludge is trying to kick in full force. It is HARD.

I have another three weeks of letters and never has the alphabet seemed so long.

Superhero day, red day, orange day, queen day (girls wear crowns?). We don't have any superhero t-shirts, or red ones or orange ones. We might not have two working crowns. I'm dying over here.

I love the creativity. I love the idea. As an idea. As a thing that first graders do for an endless period of time, not so much. This is a lot of work for the parents, and probably a lot of work for the teachers. My kids would have been fine without it. What they don't know exists doesn't harm them.

Next year, in second grade, I hope we do a whole lot of nothing at the end of the year.

Please?

Fail Kitchen - Brain Cupcakes

"It's not going to be perfect. It's a brain. It doesn't have to be."

Fail Kitchen - How to make creepy apple grins

This one is a great family craft if you're up for it.

Domestic Life: The Struggle is Real

So, remember yesterday, when I made that abomination of a pie?

Right.

So, I totally sent that to work with my husband this morning, as part of his lunch. Because what is love without forcing family to eat kitchen fails?

I...got a few texts about it. They started, though, with a spork.


HUSBAND: Can we just throw out all our surviving sporks already?

(answer: no. WHAT IF WE NEED A SPORK, THOUGH?)

ME: I didn't give you a spork today. In fact, I think I forgot to give you any utensils!

(Whoops. That happens sometimes. At least there was food?)

HUSBAND: Ah, good. Even no fork is better than a spork. There was one in there with the coffee. Maybe a long-term tenant of that compartment.

ME: Haha. Must be. Maybe I threw it in there forever ago for emergencies and forgot about it.

(SPORKS: for all your emergency utensil needs)

HUSBAND: What kind of pie is this supposed to be? Has a gray goop on it and an odd taste. I'm eating it cold. Better hot?

Or is it too a long-term tenant that I have overlooked for months?

(Welp, I guess it really is that bad, guys. Usually he likes my food, even the fails)

ME: No. I had some this afternoon. It's supposed to be a purple cream pie. It won't make you sick, but I tossed mine. Tastes weird. I must have messed it up.

(Ya think? Maybe a little? Also, it was NOT supposed to be a purple cream pie.)

HUSBAND: The crust is good. Ate the goop, too.

...

And there you have it. True love for you on a Friday afternoon.






 

Fail Kitchen - Apple Roses Cream Pie

Yeah, no. "You're stupid dough hook."









 

Fail Kitchen -- Doggie Sandwich Fail

Did not nail it. Nope.

FAIL KITCHEN LINEUP - July

Another big month here on Fail Kitchen. I've got recipes coming out my ears. At least thirty I haven't had a chance to write out yet, and so many more we've done and are doing. Here's what's coming up:

Magic Custard Cake: This tasted fantastic. It didn't, um, look like the picture though.  Recipe Here.

Again, a great try. We almost had this one.  Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Candy Bars. And this was last week's episode. I moved it up in line because it was supposed to be patriotic. Only the blue and red and white kind of didn't show up. We tried. Recipe Here.

And these are still waiting for their video debut!

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Next up for filming?

Dog sandwich buns, which just say...bake in the oven. What could go wrong? Recipe Here:

I will only be frosting ONE cupcake like this. Because seriously? Recipe Here:

Ice Cream Cupcakes? Maybe I could do this? Recipe Here:

And yes, I've totally been avoiding this apple pie like thing. Because ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE? I need more energy to attempt. Recipe Here:

And amazingly, that's just a tiny silver of what's coming up. After these? We've got:

The Epic Homemade Candy Bar
Apple Crescent Roses
Baked Egg Avocados
Homemade Samoas

Phew. It's going to be a busy summer!

And don't forget our latest videos, omg.



The "patriotic" candy bars...




Watermelon cake, which was OH SO CLOSE.



Zebra Cake, which my friends have started lovingly referring to as vagina cake. Yum.




And the Oreo Ice Cream Cake, where my kids pretty much steal the show.

Plus a whole bunch more on the Fail Kitchen Youtube Channel. Go subscribe!

 

The Fail Kitchen Lineup - June

In lieu of a recipe this week, I thought I'd list out the EVER-GROWING request list for Fail Kitchen.


Here are the ones already in the pipeline:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Watermelon Cake. Original recipe here:

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Zebra Cake. Original recipe here:

No Bake Oreo Ice Cream Cake. Original recipe here:

And there are dozens more I've not even touched yet. People seem to have a lot of suggestions for me.

Here are the next batch up to film:

Oreo Peanut Butter Brownies. Recipe Here.

Magic Custard Cake. Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Raspberry Bars. Recipe Here.

Roses Apple Pie. Recipe Here.

And the suggestions for after these are just as amazing.

World's Biggest Candy Bar

Ice Cream Cupcakes

Goldfish Frosting

Apple Crescent Roses

Yummy Dog Sandwich

And, I've also got a new round of recipes I have to look up! I think I'll do The State of Fail Kitchen every month or so, as the recipes and fails refresh, so stay tuned.

And of course, don't forget about the awesome recipes already up on YouTube!

Jelly Worms:


Blooming Onion:


Chocolate Covered Strawberries:



 

Things I Did Wrong Today

I do a lot of things wrong every single day, as a parent and a person. Lest you think my days ever go any different, I thought I'd break this one down for you. AHEM. Things I did wrong today:


1) I made the girls make their own beds. (Like they do every damn day. Not sure why today it made me the meanest mommy, but there you have it.)

2) I wasted my time driving 20 minutes to campus and 20 minutes back for a 20 minute meeting with a professor that gave me no insight as to how to run a focus group. This also cost me $20 for a babysitter. I guess 20 is the magic fail number. (Should have gone with a list of specific questions, for sure.)

3) While I was there, I accidentally reminded him that the assignment for the paper due today wasn't open. (SORRY GRAD CLASS, I TOTALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.)

4) I didn't have any red or orange Tootsie pops when I got home. The scandal.

5) I had to write an entire paper meaning that 1) I couldn't play with the girls as much as they NEEDED RIGHT THIS SECOND and 2) I couldn't let them play the Doge game.

6) I introduced them to the Doge game (technically yesterday's mistake, but damn if I didn't feel it today.)

7) My lap is too small for two five year olds.

8) I made one ice cream cone "wider" than another ice cream cone.

9) I dared to talk to another adult in the presence of the twins.

10) I handed my paper in late. (Also, it's the worst paper I've written this semester. Oh well.)

11) I gave one twin two more pieces of popcorn than the other twin. They know because they meticulously counted each five different times.

12) I forgot to defrost the dinner meat. Again.

Ordinary flowers by day...EMERGENCY DEFROST WEIGHT by night.

13) I bought the sausage that has too much gristle again.

14) I let my kids stay up until 10 p.m. watching Full House.  I did this because:

15) I posted on FB that I preferred Tangled to Frozen. Which resulted in this:

16)

 Because for fuck's sake, DON'T mess with Frozen.

Oops.

 

Assembly Required - On Christmas Toys

Christmas toys. They come in boxes. They look small and tidy. And easy. They lie.


Take the teeny, tiny trampoline I got for my girls for Christmas this year, for example. It came in a small, flat box, it's only about 3.5 feet wide, max, and it didn't even have springs! Piece of cake, right? Hell, I could set that up myself. Or not.

First of all, the instructions were merely a series of unclear pictures that would put IKEA to shame. But I pressed forward. I was going to set the trampoline up before I made dinner! It would take me 30 minutes! HAHA.

I managed to get the curvy bars into the netting slats in a way that looked kind of sort of correct. But I wasn't strong enough to snap the curves together, stretching the netting out to make a circle.

I had my husband do it. He took one look and came outside with me. He knew I would need reinforcements. Of course, he also had trouble making it a circle.

When we finally did do it, we realized that we had 18 slats one side, and 12 slats on the other. Also we'd put the thing in backward. So, we did it again. I, of course, assumed we'd taken care of the inequality thing. We had not. This is important later. So, wonderful, finally we have our circle.

I mean, almost.

Anyway, we got that sucker flattened right out, and started screwing in the sides. We did all of them. Wrong.

The two holes are supposed to line up. Oops. We unscrewed them. You can see, since we are using the stonework of the patio to stretch this thing out each time (which isn't easy), the hinges are already battered. We continue and do all the screws correctly.

Remember that unequal slats thing?

Yup, we have to undo the whole thing again. By now we've "set this up" like four times.

Finally we are almost done! We just have to rescrew the very last screw. Only...the holes in the hinge no longer line up. No, seriously. So what does any sane person who's been setting up a teeny, tiny trampoline for more than an hour do?

That's right. You take a hammer to that sucker. Of course.  What could possibly go wrong?

But somehow it worked, even though I protested the whole time. (I'm not big on hitting things with hammers).

Toward the end, he's like, how did that happen?

I'm like, I don't know. Maybe from pounding the thing into the ground with a hammer? Just throwing out ideas, though.

Still, after about 2 hours of work, we made this.

And it was worth it.

 

Recipe Monday - Can You Guess What These Are?

I can already hear you. What, you are asking, in the everloving world are those? It's a valid question. Some people thought sausage, to be honest. But you all couldn't be more wrong.

These.

These are donut holes.

And not only are they donut holes, but they are donut holes made in a maker machine specifically for donut holes. You'd think even I couldn't fail. But you'd be wrong.

There's the recipe for those of you who actually want it. My favorite part is at the very bottom. "Use your imagination and have fun!"

What? Oh, I had to use my imagination alright, but I really didn't have all that much fun.

It started out simple. Gather the ingredients. There weren't even that many! (Check it: super dangerous knife and water bottle atop the microwave...where the five year olds can't get them.)

But before we even began, I had a Facebook freakout about the buttermilk. In fairness, I don't often (read this was the second time ever) use buttermilk, and that shit stank. Holy God, it smelled so rough. Not to mention it was separated. As in, it was all watery up top, then turned into sour-creamy like goo at the bottom, and...no. Just no. So I asked about it very calmly on Facebook. Something like, Omg, has anyone ever used buttermilk? I feel like I'm going to kill us all, HALP! You know, a normal, intelligent FB update.

I was informed that the stankier the buttermilk was, the better. Um, okay. I'd just let the kids eat theirs first and watch what happened.

So, I began mixing. All I had to do was put the right amount of all the ingredients in one bowl and stir it. What could possibly go wrong? I only had one step.

Did you know that there is a difference between a one-cup wet ingredient measuring tool and a one-cup dry ingredient measuring tool? I didn't.

Okay, so that looks good, right? Like dough should look. And since these are "dough" nuts, I should be set. But this was supposed to look like batter. Wat? What do?

Apparently, I'd measured the dry ingredients in my wet cups and the wet ingredients in my dry cups, and seriously why are there so many cups?

Facebook helped me figure that out, but unlike usual, they had no solution. Just start over, they said. But I was out of stank-ass buttermilk. We were foraging on.

So, I just altered the directions a tad. Instead of "pouring the batter" into the little donut hole maker thing, I "scooped the dough" into it. I'm sure it's fine.

Well, almost fine. No one will notice that these are as heavy as bowling balls, I'm sure, and once I put the cinnamon sugar on there, no one will even see...any of all that up there.

Except another problem awaited me. The instructions stopped after the wonderous dough balls were completed. They gave no indication of how to get the cinnamon sugar on the holes! Facebook to the rescue again!

Just put cinnamon and sugar in a ziplock bag and shake the balls around in it, they said. It will work, they said.

That is a donut hole with only cinnamon on it. There was sugar in the bag. I swear. But sugar apparently hates donut holes and only the cinnamon came on board. If you're wondering, it tasted just like you would think a donut hole covered in plain cinnamon would taste. Blech. Clearly I needed another solution.

But not, of course, until trying that same bag thing over and over and over again. You know, just in case the sugar wanted to get in on this donut-hole action. (Spoiler: It never did. And now I had a dozen just cinnamon holes.)

Someone finally suggested putting a little, tiny bit of water on the baked goods, to get the sugar to stick. Now, that sounded like a bad idea to me because you can't just put water on bread-like things, amirite? But I was out of options, so I tried it.

And it worked. Thank the lord.

And for the week after that we had the densest, heaviest, hardest-to-eat donut holes ever.

Yum.