The Fail Kitchen Lineup - June

In lieu of a recipe this week, I thought I'd list out the EVER-GROWING request list for Fail Kitchen.


Here are the ones already in the pipeline:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Watermelon Cake. Original recipe here:

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Zebra Cake. Original recipe here:

No Bake Oreo Ice Cream Cake. Original recipe here:

And there are dozens more I've not even touched yet. People seem to have a lot of suggestions for me.

Here are the next batch up to film:

Oreo Peanut Butter Brownies. Recipe Here.

Magic Custard Cake. Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Raspberry Bars. Recipe Here.

Roses Apple Pie. Recipe Here.

And the suggestions for after these are just as amazing.

World's Biggest Candy Bar

Ice Cream Cupcakes

Goldfish Frosting

Apple Crescent Roses

Yummy Dog Sandwich

And, I've also got a new round of recipes I have to look up! I think I'll do The State of Fail Kitchen every month or so, as the recipes and fails refresh, so stay tuned.

And of course, don't forget about the awesome recipes already up on YouTube!

Jelly Worms:


Blooming Onion:


Chocolate Covered Strawberries:



 

Recipe Monday - Champagne Cookies

I found this recipe here, and it's pretty good! It makes 4 dozen cookies, though, not two, so DON'T double the recipe. (Ask me how I know.)

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup multicolored candy sprinkles
1/2 cup shortening or butter
1 cup white sugar
1 cup champagne
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
4 drops red food coloring, or as needed

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Beat the shortening and sugar in a bowl with an electric mixer until the mixture is light and creamy. Pour in the champagne, and mix for about 1 minute on low speed. Mixture will be lumpy. Mix in the baking powder, and stir in flour to make a smooth dough. Stir in red food coloring by drops until the mixture is desired shade of pink.
Scoop the dough with a tablespoon measure melon baller and place on parchment lined cookie sheet, leaving room between each cookie because the cookies will spread. Add sprinkles.
Bake in the preheated oven until the edges of the cookies are very lightly browned and the cookies are crisp, 12 to 14 minutes. Let cookies cool completely before moving them to a serving platter or container.
When cooled, cookies will be soft with slightly crunchy edges. These cookies are not very sweet. They are similar to a sweet bread. Perfect with a glass of champagne or a cup of coffee/tea.









 

The Great Christmas Cookie Extravaganza

Sometimes the Christmas spirit is so big it gets the better of everyone, taking it to slightly ridiculous proportions. This is a tale of one of those times.

It started with a batch of Christmas cookies.

Actually, let's go back before that. My second semester of grad school had just ended and I'd just written cumulatively about 90 pages of research. I was (and still am) tired of writing. I suddenly had all this free time, and yet my main time-waster (yelling at all of you on the internet) was not appealing to me. But, huzzah! It's Christmas. And I come from an Italian family with special Italian recipes.

I decided to bake.

But, when I bake, I liveblog on facebook. Because we live in 2013 and I do what I want. Anyway, I posted a picture of my first batch of cookies.

It was no big deal. It's Christmas, lots of people are posting cookies. Aside from a few curious "but why are you putting colored sugar on bagels? questions" people were mostly

The same day, I made another batch.

A few more people liked and commented this time, because I barely can bake two things in a week, never mind a day. Plus, who makes cookies shaped like S?

The final thing I posted that day garnered a bit more attention, and set the wheels in motion for what I was about to accidentally do.

People seemed to be pretty excited about the mint fudge. Enough so that I got a few joking requests for packages. But that didn't seem like a bad idea, actually. I mean, I was baking a lot of food.

The next day, the peanut butter fudge continued the streak. People were freely commenting now. In fact, some of my friends asked me if everything was okay. Like, what was the deal with all these baked goods? Very, very, unlike me. But what is like me is that I'm frenetic and I'm over the top. So, in that way, at least it was fitting.

In the next few days, we made sugar cookies and pignoli cookies as well.

While the idea had taken seed during the pictures leading up to the finished product, the project actually began as I stepped back and took a look at my handiwork. In three days' time, I'd made about 50 dozen cookies and 15 pounds of fudge. Surely, I had way too much.

So, I opened it up for real. If anyone wanted cookies, I posted, they should comment with what they want and I would send it to them. Throughout the day, responses trickled in. I ended up with about thirty requests!

Great! Except I did the math, and Santa's budget this year had enough in it for ten packages. Welp, what can you do? I posted that ten people would receive packages, and I would draw the names out of a hat (my trusty fedora, lol). If anyone wanted to pay their own shipping, I said, they would get cookies, and if their name had been drawn, they would essentially have gifted cookies to someone else, as I'd be able to pull another name.

Makes sense.

Now, knowing my friends the way I do, I don't know why I didn't expect what happened next, but it took me entirely by surprise.

People started donating money (like, a lot of money) to my paypal, so I could afford to ship cookies to everyone who signed up. $20 here, $50 there, $80 from over there. What? In fact, people gave so much that I even had enough to ship a few packages to England and Canada, which basically costs, like, a golden calf or some shit.

It was moving. It was incredible. It was Christmas.

And suddenly I had a lot more work to do. Because apparently all the cookies I thought I had were not an infinite number and after giving packages to school teachers, neighbors, friends and helpers throughout the year, I was...out of cookies and fudge.

So I had to make everything again. Phew. I did it, though, and in just a day and a half, because seriously, how much time can one devote to cookies? (unless one is a baker, of course).

But I wasn't nearly done. Next I had to collect everyone's addresses. I hand wrote them all in a notebook (which I later used for shipping paper...so some of you are getting old notes on how much money Catholic Charities needed to secure in 2010 and some of you are getting notes on how to quantitatively survey people for research. Sorry about that). Then I had to make out the cards. Because you can't send cookies without a card. And you can't send a card without saying something personal. So, I spent a little time on them, you could say.

Then I packaged all the orders up, and taped the correct card to the correct bag this morning.

At this point, online, people were really rooting for this project. They asked for updates and readily explained it to others who had just seen one or two statuses about it. There was an excitement to it that I can't recreate here. There was a true Cookie Operation going on, and no one wanted to see it fail.

I got to the post office around noon. I was in my oldest tee shirt. One from my high school graduation that's oversized, and baggy, and says "What a long, strange trip it's been".  And yoga pants. Of course, yoga pants. Because I was going to the post office on a Monday at noon to make up 30 boxes, address them, and send them. That was an acceptable outfit.

Except today (yesterday, since I'm going to post this tomorrow) happened to be the busiest mailing day of the entire year. And the local news station was there to document this historic happening.

Fantastic.

I stand at the counter, trying not to look too interesting (normally I'd be all over it, but shirt. Pants. And I'm not sure I'd even brushed my hair). But eventually, since I'd been there, taking out cookies, measuring them, making boxes, packing them, and then labeling them with a really squeaky permanent marker (God, I am so annoying), the report came timidly over.

"Would you mind if I interviewed you?" she asked. "Whatever you're doing...it looks...interesting."

I posted the pic of the finished packages and told everyone we would be on the news, and they didn't believe me. Because, honestly, really?

But, yes, that's how I became the lead story (dying laughing forever) on the local news at 6 p.m. on December 16th. Because I made a bunch of cookies, and some of my friends wanted some, and some of my other friends helped pay for them to get there.

Someday I will do something normal. Today was not that day.



GTN - Gainesville Television Network


 

Recipe Monday - Christmas Cookies

For this recipe Monday, let's just recap a few cookie recipes with new pictures!


First, anisette cookies. These came out better than last year's! I cooked the whole batch this year, and ended up with nine dozen cookies.

RECIPE:


Next up: Sugar cookies.

These also came out better than last year. The full batch yielded six dozen cookies. (I halved this one last year, too).

RECIPE:

Here are some action shots.

Of course, not all of them were artistic masterpieces...Natalina apparently takes after me in the kitchen.

Oh well. Sorry, gingerbread man.

 

Cookies and Communication

This morning, my girls were discussing the cookie-making we're going to do this afternoon. Dulce wants to make chocolate chip cookies. Natalina wants to make sprinkled cookies.

We're making peanut butter cookies...because I'm the mom and I don't care what you want, particularly when you want different things, and you are looking forward to yelling about that.

During the course of their lengthy discussion on the merits and faults of all kinds of cookies that we are not making, Dulce had a wonderful idea.

"I know!" she said. "We can put chocolate chips and sprinkles on the peanut butter cookies!"

Indeed we can. Problem solved. Or is it?

I took Dulce to mean that we could put chocolate chips on the cookies she made, and put sprinkles on the cookies Lilly made. Mine, of course, would have sugar on them...mostly because I'm boring.

"Great idea, Dulce!" I replied. "We can do that."

Cue a shriek from Natalina.

There were two problems with this solution as far as she was concerned. The first was that Dulce had thought of it instead of her.

This is not just a childhood problem. How often are we held back in life because someone else came up with a glorious idea we wished we had had? How often, when we hear that person praised for their insight do we bristle, shutting ourselves off from cooperating in something we would have otherwise stood behind? Remember, when someone else does well, it does not mean that we are doing badly.

I have to remind my kids of this all the time. One of us will say to one of them, "Oh, you're so clever!" Or "Oh, you're so funny!"

And my other child, having no filter or subtlety, will say this: "You don't think I'm funny / clever!"

Which obviously isn't true. A good reflection on someone else is not a bad reflection on you.

Sometimes, they'll take it even further.

"You don't love me."

It seems overly dramatic, but it captures a true feeling that we all have, an easy step from the first notion. So that if we first think, "Someone did well, that means I did poorly." We then go to, "I'm not worthy of being praised because I've done poorly." Which can easily turn into, "I'm not worthy of love."

Again, huge over-simplification, but this is real, in subtler form. 

Of course, I always correct my child, saying that she is also funny and clever and of course I love her. The child who received the praise at that particular moment had done something specific that I was praising. What she did. Not what she is.

The second reason Natalina was upset about these cookies was that she didn't want to ruin her sprinkle peanut butter cookies by putting chocolate chips on them.

A misunderstanding.

A simple misunderstanding that elevated into madness because my four year old is too young to take a second to think about what has actually been said versus what she perceived.

This also happens in the adult world quite frequently. My husband laughs at me, saying I have the worst hearing in the world (I, on the other hand, would argue that he's a mumbler), and I'll often mishear things he's said, and repeat ridiculous notions back to him.

Example:

"It's a nice, clear night out tonight."

"Why would a deer need light out at night?"

He'll laugh and say, "Yes, that's exactly what I said. Take the thing that would make the least amount of sense, and go ahead and try to make it work."

Hah.

That's a benign and ridiculous example of something that's much more pervasive in real life. Mainly, that what you hear is most likely not what the other person said.

And if you hear something completely obnoxious, better to question it first, to be sure you are gleaning the right meaning from the speaker, instead of immediately going on the attack. They could be saying something you want to hear, and you've simply missed it through the haze of your own distractions.

Clarify before getting angry. Otherwise, we're all just toddlers throwing tantrums about chocolate chips, when we could have had our sprinkles without the tears.

Communication is so important. We think that because we learned to talk we automatically communicate effectively, but that's not necessarily the case.

I'll try to teach myself what I'm teaching my kids. Be patient, really listen, compromise, use words, speak, be heard, understand, have faith in yourself, take joy in others' accomplishments.

They are all tied together, no matter how much we'd like to tackle them separately.












 

Recipe Monday - Christmas Sugar Cookies

 This is my aunt's family famous recipe, delicious every time. And it's a family affair. (I halved this recipe.)

Ingredients:

2 cups sugar

1 cup margarine (Hey, what's up 1993? I used butter)

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla,

2 tablespoons milk

4 cups flour

2/3 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons baking powder

 

 

 

 

 

Cream the butter and add the sugar.

Beat in the eggs, milk, vanilla.

Mix together the dry ingredients in a separate bowl.

 

 

 

Mix the dry ingredients into the egg mixture.

Chill dough 12 hrs or more. (I chilled it for four hours, because 12 hours? Really?)

Then, prepare your work station. You'll want plenty of flour to keep the dough from sticking. The recipe keeps this in mind, so don't worry about drying the cookies out.

Roll the dough to about 1/8 to 1/4 inch thick.

Then have your helpers cut up the dough. Notice that when they get bored, it gets a lot more efficient. Then you can call them back for the sugaring.

Then, sugar it up. You can use anything you want.

Bake the cookies in a 350-degree oven for about 5-7 minutes.

Take them off the sheet and let them cool on paper towels so that the bottoms don't crisp, and you're done!

Recipe Monday - Anisette Cookies

The holiday season means all my grandmother's recipes get a workout. Here is the recipe for the Italian Christmas Anisette Cookies. Traditionally they're made in white S shapes. When I was a girl, my mother used to make a huge batch of them, and she split the dough into three sections. She used food coloring to dye one section red, one green. The other section stayed white. Then we would make Christmas shapes out of the dough, like wreaths (intertwined green and white circles) and candy canes (intertwined red and white in a cane shape). We were creative!

This year, it was enough just to make the cookies. No food coloring for me!

Anisette cookies 

(I cut this recipe in half, and the half recipe made three dozen large cookies.)

Combine and beat together:

2 sticks margarine

2.25 cups sugar

5 large eggs

3 teaspoons anise (use the flavoring not the liquor (the liquor is not nearly strong enough flavoring)

 

Combine the dry ingredients:

6.5-7 cups of flour (may want to go light and add the rest later to use when rolling)

2 tablespoons baking powder 

 

Gradually add the dry ingredients to the wet, folding it in until the dough forms nearly solid.

Chill for at least an hour.

 

Roll and shape into s form

 

Cook for 10 min at 325*

 

 

 

(These cookies will be white. Half of my batch is that light, crusty brown color because my husband prefers crunchier cookies, so I cooked those at 375)

Recipe Monday - Italian Wine Cookies

These are an old family recipe, passed down from my grandmother. They are my favorite cookie of all time.

6 cups flour

4 tsp baking powder

1.5 cups sugar

1 grated lemon and

1/3 cup lemon or orange juice

1 cup vegetable oil

1 tsp vanilla

3 eggs

1 glass (6 oz) white wine or rose

add chocolate chips (as many as you like!)

Mix flour sugar and baking powder; make a hole in the dry ingredients and put the wet ones in it. 

Mix well - Knead until it doesn't stick to your hands.  

Take a small amount and roll long then twist into a circle cookie.

Dip into granulated sugar.

Bake at 375* for 10 minutes

Add flour to make the dough less sticky, but not too much. Otherwise these will weigh down in your stomach. Trust me, I know. Hah. I halved the recipe. My family doesn't need more than two dozen large cookies at a time!

Toddler Tricks - 64: Replace an Activity with an Activity

Problem: You want to do something fun with your children, but you know that it will be so fun that they'll pitch a fit leaving. A screaming exit is always embarrassing, and, of course, you want to avoid it at all costs. So, how can you do fun things with your kids without the inevitable breakdown?

Solution: Start a different activity at home first. For me, baking is the foolproof activity that will get the kids back home in one piece. For instance, yesterday, I wanted to take them to the park. I told them we would go to the park, but first I wanted to bake some cookies. They agreed and helped me with the cookies. We popped them into the oven while we found our shoes and coats. Then, right before we left, I took them out of the oven and let the girls see them. Of course, they wanted a cookie right away, but they were burning hot. I told them that we had to let the cookies that they helped to make (making them active participants and invested in the cookies more than they would be in some prepackaged sweet that I would promise in vain hopes of getting them to leave the park.) In this way, the cookies as an object and as a fun activity were stamped into the twins' minds.

When it was time to leave the park, they started to give me trouble. I was able to say, but our cookies at home are cooled now! They remembered that activity with fondness, and they remembered the smell of the cookies and how much they'd wanted the sweets before we left for the park to begin with. They were suddenly eager to get back home, and we left the park with the least amount of trouble I've ever had.


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Recipe Monday - Cake Mix Cookies

I don't have a large mixer or beaters, so when I make cake, I usually use cake mix. Someday this will change, but for now I usually have quite a few boxes of cake mix on hand.

The problem with that is my family can't usually finish a whole cake in time.

Cake mix cookies solve that in two ways...they last longer and they go quicker. Here are two recipes that have done us well.

Carrot Cake Cookies:

Ingredients:

Carrot Cake Mix
1/3 cup of butter, melted
1 egg
1/8 cup water
1 cup raisins
1/2 cup walnuts

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put all the ingredients into a bowl and mix well with a spoon.
Drop tablespoons of dough onto a cookie sheet. (Next time I'll roll them into balls.)
Bake for 12 minutes.




German Chocolate Cake Cookies

INGREDIENTS:
1 box German chocolate cake mix
6 ozs. semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup rolled oats
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 oil
2 eggs, slightly beaten


PREPARATION:
Heat oven to 350 degrees. In large bowl, combine all ingredients; blend well.
Next time I'm going to use half the chocolate chips and twice the oatmeal / raisins.
Drop dough by rounded teaspoons 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheets. 
Bake for 8-10 minutes or until set. Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets.



These recipes make for delicious cake-like cookies, that are huge hits in my house.


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