Recipe: Vegan French Toast -- Guest Post

Photo by PianissAmma

For years, I have been a fan of brunch. I love the idea of getting together with friends and family to commune with a tasty late morning meal. Perhaps a Belgian waffle, or a spicy potato quiche served up with juice and sunshine on a Saturday morning.

One dish I have loathed since becoming an adult however, is French toast. Restaurants often serve them too soggy with egg batter, or they’re much too dry and flavorless. Even one slice can be heavy enough to make me regret getting out of bed for the rest of the day.

This spring, I challenged myself to revisit the concept of French toast on my own terms. I wondered if it was possible to make the dish without eggs. I had already began removing eggs from many dishes with a bit of success. So would it work with a brunch staple like French toast? To my surprise, the answer was ‘yes.’

Now that we are facing another egg shortage in much of the United States courtesy of a particularly bad avian flu outbreak, I wanted to share this recipe.

Vegan French Toast

Ingredients:

1 ripe banana
1/3 cup apple sauce (I used Mrs. Gooch’s, because there is no added sugar)
3/4 cup milk of your choice (I have plain soy, but I think oat milk would work well here too).
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
oil or margarine for griddle as needed (I use Earth Balance)
8-10 slices of stiff bread of your choice
Note: You can use fresh bread, but lightly toast it prior to dipping in batter

Ingredients used. Photo by PianissAmma

Directions:

Preheat the griddle or skillet.

Beat or puree the fruit, milk, vanilla and cinnamon until it reaches the consistency of a smoothie. Add mixture to a plate or shallow bowl.

Dip the bread into the batter, soaking up to seconds per side. Don’t let the bread get too soggy.

Place on heated griddle or skillet, and cook until both sides are browned. This particular mixture takes a little longer to cook than it’s egg enriched counterpart. Allow for about five minutes on the griddle.

Serve as you like.


...

Jill Redding blogs at Pianissamma. You can find this recipe and many others there!

Bacon Bites Fail ala Drunk Kitchen

I've got petulant bacon curling up, and angry bacon grease spitting at me as I try to push it down. It's like parenting all over again.

Go subscribe to the channel though. All the funny fails every time I'm in the kitchen. For real.

Recipe - Pillsbury Meatpie

Sometimes I don't fail in the kitchen. Those times usually involve Pillsbury.

Heat oven to 400°F. Grease 9-inch pie pan with shortening. Separate dough into 10 biscuits. Press 6 biscuits in bottom and up side of pie pan to form crust. Cut remaining 4 biscuits into quarters; set aside.

In 10-inch skillet, cook ground beef and onion over medium heat, stirring frequently, until beef is thoroughly cooked; drain. Stir in ketchup, mustard, salt and pepper. Cook uncovered until bubbly. Spoon into biscuit-lined pan.

Arrange cheese slices on top of beef mixture. Place biscuit quarters, point side down, around edge of hot beef mixture.

Bake 15 to 17 minutes or until biscuits are golden brown.

Easy, quick and delicious.

Recipe: Epic Snickers Bar, Fail Kitchen

Well, I finally bit the bullet and tried to make a 15-lb candy bar. I should have just eaten all the ingredients...again.

The recipe was taken from here.

But first, can I just say...don't do it?

Please don't.




Still interested?

Fine.

Good luck to you!
 

Fail Kitchen -- Apple Crescent Rolls (NOT a fail!)

Go ahead and google 'shiny bacon vaginas' and you'll see what I'm talking about.






 

Recipe Monday - Easy and Incredible Lasagna

Cooking is generally hard for me, but one thing I've got down is lasagna.

You really can't fail at this...it's that easy.

Lasagna noodles

Sauce

Shredded Mozzarella cheese

Shredded Parmesan cheese

Ricotta Cheese

Ground beef

Spinach

1) Start boiling a lot of water and cook 9 noodles

2) Preheat oven to 350

3) Brown the ground beef until cooked through

4) Add sauce to the beef and turn heat to low

5) Mix together all the cheeses, saving some of the mozz and parm.

6) Rinse spinach

7) Put a thin layer of sauce on bottom of lasagna pan

8) Layer three noodles across

9) Put a layer of beef / sauce there

10) Layer of the mixed cheese

11) Layer of spinach

12) Repeat all layering until last noodles are on top and all ingredients used.

13) Sprinkle sauce on top

14) Spinkle rest of mozz and parm on top

15) Bake for 30-35 minutes.

DONE.

Eat for a week.

 

Fail Kitchen - Brain Cupcakes

"It's not going to be perfect. It's a brain. It doesn't have to be."

Domestic Life: The Struggle is Real

So, remember yesterday, when I made that abomination of a pie?

Right.

So, I totally sent that to work with my husband this morning, as part of his lunch. Because what is love without forcing family to eat kitchen fails?

I...got a few texts about it. They started, though, with a spork.


HUSBAND: Can we just throw out all our surviving sporks already?

(answer: no. WHAT IF WE NEED A SPORK, THOUGH?)

ME: I didn't give you a spork today. In fact, I think I forgot to give you any utensils!

(Whoops. That happens sometimes. At least there was food?)

HUSBAND: Ah, good. Even no fork is better than a spork. There was one in there with the coffee. Maybe a long-term tenant of that compartment.

ME: Haha. Must be. Maybe I threw it in there forever ago for emergencies and forgot about it.

(SPORKS: for all your emergency utensil needs)

HUSBAND: What kind of pie is this supposed to be? Has a gray goop on it and an odd taste. I'm eating it cold. Better hot?

Or is it too a long-term tenant that I have overlooked for months?

(Welp, I guess it really is that bad, guys. Usually he likes my food, even the fails)

ME: No. I had some this afternoon. It's supposed to be a purple cream pie. It won't make you sick, but I tossed mine. Tastes weird. I must have messed it up.

(Ya think? Maybe a little? Also, it was NOT supposed to be a purple cream pie.)

HUSBAND: The crust is good. Ate the goop, too.

...

And there you have it. True love for you on a Friday afternoon.






 

Recipe Monday: Ham and Spinach Casserole

My husband hates ham, but my kids love it. This dish, they all enjoyed (even though I totally burnt it...a little).

• 1 pound cavatappi, corkscrew pasta with lines or macaroni with line in any short cut
• Salt
• 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive (EVOO), divided
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, chopped
• Black pepper
• 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 cups whole or 2 percent milk
• 1/2 pound sliced capocollo (hot ham), halved then sliced into thin ribbons
• 1 box frozen chopped spinach, defrosted and excess liquid squeezed out
• 1 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano cheese (a few large handfuls), divided
• 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg, ground or freshly grated (eyeball it)
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper (a couple pinches)
• 1 pound ball fresh mozzarella – buy a piece wrapped, not packed in water, then cut into 1/2-inch cubes
• 1 cup plain or Italian breadcrumbs
• A generous handful of flat leaf parsley, finely chopped

Directions:

Pre-heat the broiler.

Place a large pot of water over high heat and bring to a boil. Add the pasta, salt water and cook to al dente, with a bite.

While the water is coming up to a boil for the pasta, heat a medium, deep skillet over medium heat. Add 1 tablespoon EVOO, 1 turn of the pan, and the butter. When butter melts into the oil, add onions and garlic and season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring frequently, for 2 minutes then dust the onions with flour and continue to cook for 1 minute. Slowly whisk in milk. Gently bring milk to a bubble, allow the milk to thicken a bit, then stir in the capocola, spinach and 1/2 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano. Season sauce with nutmeg and cayenne and remove from the heat. Taste and add a little salt, if you like.

Combine the cooked pasta and the cubed mozzarella with the sauce, stir to coat completely by turning over and over. Transfer dressed pasta to a baking dish.

To make the breadcrumb topping, combine the breadcrumbs, 2 tablespoons of EVOO and the remaining 1/2 cup Parmigiano. Sprinkle the breadcrumb mixture over the top to cover the pasta from edge to edge. Transfer the baking dish under the broiler and broil until golden brown and crispy. Garnish with chopped parsley.

 

Cutting grapes in half with a plate? LIES.

Yeah, no. Not as easy as SOMEONE made it sound...





 

Recipe Monday - Cheesy Chicken Pasta for Dummies

I went on Pinterest and, like, I totally don't have time to be baking a casserole after I already made the whole dish. So, here's a mac and cheese with chicken that I just did pot-style, and everyone seemed to love it.

Chicken breasts - diced
Bowtie pasta
Summer squash - sliced
Onion
Garlic
Salt
Pepper
Cheddar cheese
Parmesan cheese
Mozzarella cheese
Milk
Chicken broth

Dice all your chicken and vegetables, then put sautee the chicken in some olive oil until it's tan around the edges.
Boil your pasta water, and start making the pasta per box directions.
Put squash, onion and garlic in with the chicken until they're all soft.
Add some chicken broth and cook until it boils, then add the milk.
Drain pasta and add it to the mess.
Throw in all your cheeses until the liquid turns to a satisfactory this-is-the-consistency-of-mac-and-cheese consistency.

Serve it up.

Recipe Monday - Sauteed Zucchini and Tomatoes

This was great. A perfect summer side, over rice or alone.

Ingredients:

1 zucchini, cut up
5 fresh plum tomatoes, diced
5 cloves garlic, smashed
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1/2 tsp Herbes de Provence
kosher salt and fresh pepper


Directions:

In a large non-stick skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add garlic and sautéuntil golden. Add zucchini, salt and pepper. Cook about 4-5 minutes on each side,add tomatoes and season with additional salt and herbes de provence. Lower heat and simmer about 5-10 minutes. Divide into 4 equal portions when serving.

Originally from SkinnyTaste. Thank you!









 

FAIL KITCHEN LINEUP - July

Another big month here on Fail Kitchen. I've got recipes coming out my ears. At least thirty I haven't had a chance to write out yet, and so many more we've done and are doing. Here's what's coming up:

Magic Custard Cake: This tasted fantastic. It didn't, um, look like the picture though.  Recipe Here.

Again, a great try. We almost had this one.  Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Candy Bars. And this was last week's episode. I moved it up in line because it was supposed to be patriotic. Only the blue and red and white kind of didn't show up. We tried. Recipe Here.

And these are still waiting for their video debut!

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Next up for filming?

Dog sandwich buns, which just say...bake in the oven. What could go wrong? Recipe Here:

I will only be frosting ONE cupcake like this. Because seriously? Recipe Here:

Ice Cream Cupcakes? Maybe I could do this? Recipe Here:

And yes, I've totally been avoiding this apple pie like thing. Because ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE? I need more energy to attempt. Recipe Here:

And amazingly, that's just a tiny silver of what's coming up. After these? We've got:

The Epic Homemade Candy Bar
Apple Crescent Roses
Baked Egg Avocados
Homemade Samoas

Phew. It's going to be a busy summer!

And don't forget our latest videos, omg.



The "patriotic" candy bars...




Watermelon cake, which was OH SO CLOSE.



Zebra Cake, which my friends have started lovingly referring to as vagina cake. Yum.




And the Oreo Ice Cream Cake, where my kids pretty much steal the show.

Plus a whole bunch more on the Fail Kitchen Youtube Channel. Go subscribe!

 

The Fail Kitchen Lineup - June

In lieu of a recipe this week, I thought I'd list out the EVER-GROWING request list for Fail Kitchen.


Here are the ones already in the pipeline:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Watermelon Cake. Original recipe here:

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Zebra Cake. Original recipe here:

No Bake Oreo Ice Cream Cake. Original recipe here:

And there are dozens more I've not even touched yet. People seem to have a lot of suggestions for me.

Here are the next batch up to film:

Oreo Peanut Butter Brownies. Recipe Here.

Magic Custard Cake. Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Raspberry Bars. Recipe Here.

Roses Apple Pie. Recipe Here.

And the suggestions for after these are just as amazing.

World's Biggest Candy Bar

Ice Cream Cupcakes

Goldfish Frosting

Apple Crescent Roses

Yummy Dog Sandwich

And, I've also got a new round of recipes I have to look up! I think I'll do The State of Fail Kitchen every month or so, as the recipes and fails refresh, so stay tuned.

And of course, don't forget about the awesome recipes already up on YouTube!

Jelly Worms:


Blooming Onion:


Chocolate Covered Strawberries:



 

Recipe Monday: Upside Down Omlette

Just kidding. I just call it upside down because that sounds better than "I can't make an omlette without burning the outside, leaving the inside raw and tearing it by accident in three places."

It is a great and easy lunch or breakfast though.

For my family of four, I use:

7 eggs
1/3 cup milk
2 tomatoes
1/2 bag fresh spinach
1 tsp garlic
1/2 onion
1 zucchini
1/2 cup cheese
1/2 cup ham or bacon
salt
pepper
butter or oil

Put the butter or oil in a pan and heat it up medium heat.
Crack all the eggs into a bowl and add the milk. Whisk.
Add salt and pepper.
Saute the zucchini and onion in the pan.
Add the egg mixture.
Add the spinach and tomato when the egg is half cooked.
Keep stirring it up like it's scrambled eggs.
Add the meat.
Add the cheese.

Serve.

Bam.






 

Things I Did Wrong Today

I do a lot of things wrong every single day, as a parent and a person. Lest you think my days ever go any different, I thought I'd break this one down for you. AHEM. Things I did wrong today:


1) I made the girls make their own beds. (Like they do every damn day. Not sure why today it made me the meanest mommy, but there you have it.)

2) I wasted my time driving 20 minutes to campus and 20 minutes back for a 20 minute meeting with a professor that gave me no insight as to how to run a focus group. This also cost me $20 for a babysitter. I guess 20 is the magic fail number. (Should have gone with a list of specific questions, for sure.)

3) While I was there, I accidentally reminded him that the assignment for the paper due today wasn't open. (SORRY GRAD CLASS, I TOTALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.)

4) I didn't have any red or orange Tootsie pops when I got home. The scandal.

5) I had to write an entire paper meaning that 1) I couldn't play with the girls as much as they NEEDED RIGHT THIS SECOND and 2) I couldn't let them play the Doge game.

6) I introduced them to the Doge game (technically yesterday's mistake, but damn if I didn't feel it today.)

7) My lap is too small for two five year olds.

8) I made one ice cream cone "wider" than another ice cream cone.

9) I dared to talk to another adult in the presence of the twins.

10) I handed my paper in late. (Also, it's the worst paper I've written this semester. Oh well.)

11) I gave one twin two more pieces of popcorn than the other twin. They know because they meticulously counted each five different times.

12) I forgot to defrost the dinner meat. Again.

Ordinary flowers by day...EMERGENCY DEFROST WEIGHT by night.

13) I bought the sausage that has too much gristle again.

14) I let my kids stay up until 10 p.m. watching Full House.  I did this because:

15) I posted on FB that I preferred Tangled to Frozen. Which resulted in this:

16)

 Because for fuck's sake, DON'T mess with Frozen.

Oops.

 

French Meatpie - Guest Post

We all know by now that I'm not much of a cook, nor can I take pictures. But Sarah over at The Answer Is Garlic can do BOTH. Amazingly. Here's her awesome recipe for French Meatpie. I'm laughing just thinking about how my pics of this would have turned out.

...

One of the reasons I love cooking is that food is very nostalgic to me. This recipe is one that's been passed around my family for a long time. I always think back to a few years ago, when my parents and I were making a trek to Wegman's to get supplies for Thanksgiving dinner. My mom asked me to call her mother (my Memere) to ask if she had any requests. She asked me to make a "meat stuffing". Confused, I asked her what was in a meat stuffing. She said "Oh, you know. Beef, and pork. And potatoes. And those spices, and onions and garlic." I said that it sounded like the base for meat pie, and she said "Yes! That's what you make out of the leftovers. I'd like a meat pie." We laughed, because according to my mom, they'd never made stuffing like that, but they sure did make meat pies for holidays.

This is the ultimate in comfort food, for me. It may sound weird to you if you've never had a meat pie, but trust me, it's wonderful. Spicy and homey, and it will certainly fill up your belly. Peasant food is good that way.

Full disclosure: I cheated with this and used a pre-made pie crust from the refrigerator section of the grocery store. I know, it's shameful. I really am not fantastic at making homemade pie crust, no matter how easy everyone tells me it is. I'm working on it. In the meantime, there really are tasty pre-mades out there. You don't even have to tell anyone.

I think one of the keys to this pie (and most ground meat dishes, really) is using both ground beef and ground pork. Ground pork doesn't have a ton of flavor, but it's lighter, and really adds moisture. I use equal parts here, about 3/4 of a pound of each. You can also substitute ground turkey, chicken, veal, bison, lamb or meatloaf mix here. Just be sure to use a combination.

Another key to getting the perfect texture to this pie is one I almost forgot about. When I was pulling this together, there was a flurry of emails with my cousin Nicole and her mom, my Aunt Sue, as well as my own mom, about ingredients, proportions, timing. It's such an old family recipe that none of us (save maybe my Aunt Sue) has it written down anywhere, we make it from memory and asking each other the parts we forget. Nicole and I both forgot that one of the most important binders in this recipe is very, very finely diced potato. It's diced so small that it all but disappears into the filling, but it's essential in holding the pie together and thickening it up. I used a few Yukon golds, but a russet would work nicely as well.

It's also important, when browning the meat, that you break it up as finely as you can get it. You don't want any chunks of meat OR potato, you want it to be wholly incorporated and broken down. Sometimes I cook the meat first, pull it off into a bowl, and then cook the diced onion and garlic. Then I add the meat back and cook in the potato. Sometimes I saute off the onions and garlic first and then cook in the meat (it really depends on if I am feeling ambitious enough to drain off some of the fat. This time, I did not feel so ambitious).

Once this is all combined, it's just adding the liquid and the spices and really developing the flavor before baking it off.

Cook it all down until the potatoes are soft, then break them up. I think an important step at this point is pulling the meat off the heat and giving it time to cool before adding it to the pie crust. This helps ensure that the bottom crust cooks up crisp and not soggy. No one wants a soggy bottom crust.

This is an excellent time for a glass of wine. You can't make a French dish without a glass of wine, am I right?

I like to egg wash the bottom crust before adding the filling as well as the top crust.

Bake and enjoy!

French Meat Pie
double pie crust (homemade or store bought)
1 large white or yellow onion, diced
3-5 cloves of garlic, minced or grated (my preferred method is grated)
3/4 pounds ground beef
3/4 pounds ground pork
3-4 Yukon gold potatoes, very finely diced
1/2-1 teaspoon ground clove (or more to taste)
1 teaspoon ground allspice (or more to taste)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon (or more to taste)
1-2 cups stock or water
1 egg, wisked with a few TB of water to make an egg wash
3 TB butter or olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
ketchup, for serving

Preparation
Pre-heat oven to 350°. Prepare and set aside pie crusts, or take out pre-made crust and bring to room temperature.

Heat a large heavy-bottomed skillet over medium-high heat and add butter or olive oil. Add in onion and garlic, season with salt and pepper, and saute until soft, 5-8 minutes. Add in ground beef and pork and cook, breaking down, until all the pink is gone and it's very combined and fine, about 10 minutes. Season with clove, allspice and cinnamon and stir to combine (note: clove is a strong spics. I go heavier on the cinnamon and allspice to start, and then adjust to taste). Add in finely diced potato and the water or stock (the liquid should just about come up to the level of all the ingredients in the pan, use as much as is needed to do that) and simmer until potatoes are soft and the liquid is absorbed, about 10 minutes. When soft, mash a bit with the back of a fork to break up the potatoes. They will still be visible but start to combine, and will break down fully when baking. Taste the mixture and adjust seasoning as needed.

Move the mixture to another dish or allow to cool, stirring to help it along. This should take about 15 minutes, but it's a crucial step to the ever-important non-soggy crust.

Roll the bottom crust into a 9-inch pie dish. Brush with the egg wash. Spoon the filling mixture into the crust and smooth out so it's even. Roll the top crust over the filling and crimp the edges. Egg wash the top, and cut a few slits in the crust for the steam to escape.

Bake at 350 for a half hour, or until golden brown. You may need to use foil or a pie crust protector to prevent the edges from getting too brown. Allow to cool for a few minutes before cutting, to let the filling set.

Slice and serve with ketchup. Trust me on this one.

Comfort food defined

Notice how broken down the potato gets

Mmmm flaky crust

I know it sounds weird, but the sweet/tang of the ketchup is perfect with the spice of the filling

For more real recipes and mouthwatering pictures, stop by The Answer is Garlic!