The Fail Kitchen Lineup - June

In lieu of a recipe this week, I thought I'd list out the EVER-GROWING request list for Fail Kitchen.


Here are the ones already in the pipeline:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Watermelon Cake. Original recipe here:

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:

Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Zebra Cake. Original recipe here:

No Bake Oreo Ice Cream Cake. Original recipe here:

And there are dozens more I've not even touched yet. People seem to have a lot of suggestions for me.

Here are the next batch up to film:

Oreo Peanut Butter Brownies. Recipe Here.

Magic Custard Cake. Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Raspberry Bars. Recipe Here.

Roses Apple Pie. Recipe Here.

And the suggestions for after these are just as amazing.

World's Biggest Candy Bar

Ice Cream Cupcakes

Goldfish Frosting

Apple Crescent Roses

Yummy Dog Sandwich

And, I've also got a new round of recipes I have to look up! I think I'll do The State of Fail Kitchen every month or so, as the recipes and fails refresh, so stay tuned.

And of course, don't forget about the awesome recipes already up on YouTube!

Jelly Worms:


Blooming Onion:


Chocolate Covered Strawberries:



 

Recipe Monday - Strawberry Buttercream Frosting

It's the time for many celebrations, and we need to have as many easy frosting recipes on hand as possible. With that in mind: strawberry buttercream frosting. Easy and delicious. Great twist to traditional favorite.

1/2 cup butter, softened
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/8 tsp salt
1 (16 oz) package powdered sugar (I only used HALF of this and it was still a bit too sweet, be warned)
1/2 cup of fresh strawberries, chopped

Beat the first three ingredients together until creamy.
Add the sugar and strawberries a little at a time, beating each addition in thoroughly.





 

Recipe Monday - Blueberry Velvet Cake

Another birthday, another birthday cake. This year the girls wanted a blue cake with pink frosting and the closest I could get was a blueberry velvet cake with strawberry cream cheese frosting.

I only had one mess-up, too.

I'll show it to you momentarily.

First, though, the cake! (It basically tastes like a big blueberry muffin, if muffin were cake.)

This recipe originally comes from I Heart Chocolate Milk, who apparently got it from that big, and I mean HUGE, book, Joy of Baking. Ever seen one? My mom had one. Wow.

But before I get to that, let me just tell you a bit about how this went down at my house.

First of all, the kids were supposed to help me, but they couldn't get along for more than 24 seconds at a time, so that idea was basically nixed. They did help measure the dry ingredients, though.

My friend Leanna was over with her young daughter when I started reading the directions.

Right away a snag. This recipe made two 9" round cakes to be piled atop each other, and I wanted a sheet cake. We tried unsuccessfully to do the math for a half-second before giving up. She called her sister, who is apparently a goddess in the kitchen, to ask if a recipe that made two round 9" cakes would also make one 9" x 13" cake.

Her sister didn't know.

Then we got to this gem of a step: "Grease 2 9″ cake pans with butter or cooking spray. Line with parchment paper, then grease again. Set aside."

Are you kidding me? What does that even mean? I completely do not understand this step. Like I'm reading it, and not comprehending what it is they could possibly be asking me to do. I don't get it.

I grease the pans with butter. Then I line with parchment paper? Parchment paper is square. Pans are round. Do I fold it over on itself? Parchment paper is a bit springy. It's not going to stay in those shallow pans? Should I tape it down? Fold it over on itself? Wouldn't the cake come out...crinkled in that case? And then, then, I have to grease the paper after putting it in? After I just greased the pans?

What is this foolery?

Leanna's sister told us to skip that part and just use crisco and flour. Which I gratefully did. Because seriously. What is that up there?

By the way, when Yasmin showed up to save the day (and she really did), she decided this was totally inadequate and re-grease and re-floured these pans. But I'm not complaining, because whatever she did allowed me to get those cakes out of there with more ease than I've ever experienced.

Okay, so now we do all the dry ingredients with no problem.

Then I get to this step: "Slowly add the sugar, and cream (beat with the mixer) until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes."

This looks to me like Add the sugar and cream and beat it with the mixer.

That...doesn't work out, actually.

Eww, gross.

I had to toss it out and try again because what the directions said really was cream together the sugar and butter.

Thankfully, this was the point Yasmin and her whole home-cooking family showed up, and I opened the door with, "Oh my God, I need your help" while Leanna laughed in the background. It was a pretty amazing day, not going to lie.

Smooth sailing from here on out, so here are a few pictures before we get to the delicious recipe.

See? I'm very helpful.

Anyway, they left and I took the cake out of the oven and frosted it, and voila! Delicious, delicious cake!

RECIPE:

Ingredients

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1¾ cup granulated sugar
• 4 large eggs, room temperature if possible
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup milk, room temperature (feel free to use buttermilk)
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1½ pints blueberries
• Blue Food Coloring (can add a drop of red or yellow to achieve the perfect shade of blue you want
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 8oz package cream cheese, room temperature
• 3 cups confectioner’s sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease 2 9″ cake pans with butter or cooking spray. Line with parchment paper, then grease again. Set aside.
3. In a bowl, combine flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt.
4. In another bowl, using a hand mixer, beat the butter until light and creamy, about a minute or so.
5. Slowly add the sugar, and cream (beat with the mixer) until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
6. Add the eggs one at a time, being sure to fully incorporate each egg before adding the next.
7. Add the vanilla, and fully incorporate.
8. Add the blue food coloring as you like. I just add some, mix it, and then see if I need to add more. Keep in mind that we still need to add the flour and milk, so color it a little darker than you want it in the end. It will lighten up once we add the remaining ingredients.
9. Add the flour mixture in 3 parts, alternating with the addition of milk. So you’ll add flour, then milk, then flour, then milk, then flour last. Make sure to incorporate each before adding the next.
10. Mix in the blueberries gently with a spatula.
11. Divide the batter between the 2 cake pans. Bake for 30–35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean.
12. Let the cake completely cool before frosting.
13. Beat the butter and cream cheese with a hand mixer until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
14. Add the confectioner’s sugar slowly and fully incorporate.
15. Add the vanilla and fully incorporate.
16. Cut the top of the cakes to level the tops. You want them to be as flat as possible.
17. Place a dab of frosting in the center of the cake stand. Invert one of the cake pans onto the cake stand. This will help prevent the cake from sliding when you frost it.
18. Use a little less than half of the frosting in between the layers.
19. Place the other cake on top. Frost the entire cake as you wish!!

 

Recipe Monday - Orange Buttercream Frosting

I put food coloring in here because when my girls said orange frosting, they meant orange frosting. Without the false coloring it has an incredibly gentle, classy light orange tinge.

2/3 cup butter, softened
6 cups powdered sugar, divided (I ONLY USED FOUR CUPS!!!!!)
2 teaspoons freshly grated orange peel
1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
4 to 6 tablespoons milk


Beat butter, 1 cup powdered sugar, orange peel and vanilla in large bowl until creamy.
Add remaining powdered sugar alternately with milk, beating to spreading consistency.
If necessary, add additional milk, 1/2 teaspoon at a time, to get desired spreading consistency.
About 3 cups frosting.


 

Recipe Monday - Chocolate Cake and Strawberry Frosting

Have you heard enough about my magnificent from-scratch chocolate cake and strawberry cream cheese frosting? Of course not! You need the recipes! Look, it's so awesome it glows...like an angel.

Okay, cake first: (and they weren't kidding when they called it rich. It is amazing, but if you only like angel food type cakes, it is not for you.)

1 cup cocoa powder 

2 cups boiling water
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
2-1/2 cups sugar
4 eggs, at room temperature
2-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour three 9-inch cake pans.

2. In a medium bowl, stir the boiling water into the cocoa until smooth, and set aside.

3. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt, and set aside.

4. At medium speed of an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar  for 4 to 5 minutes.

5. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.

6. Turn mixer down to low speed. Add the flour mixture to the creamed mixture alternately with the cocoa mixture, beginning and ending with the flour mixture.

7. Stir in the vanilla, and do not over-beat.

8. Pour an equal amount of batter into each of the three prepared pans.

9. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean. (I used only two layers and had to bake for 45 minutes at least)

10 Cool in pans set on racks for 10 minutes. Invert pans on racks, remove pans, and allow layers to cool completely before frosting. (LIES! let them cool for way more than 10 minutes.)

Great. Ready for the frosting? Now my husband first called this 'interesting,' crushing my spirit and soul, but he's since changed his opinion to 'greatest thing ever to go in a mouth.' Seriously.

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup (4 ounces) unsalted butter, softened
• 8 ounces cream cheese, from the refrigerator
• 2-1/2 to 3 cups powdered sugar
• 3 large strawberries, pureed
• 2-3 tsp. strawberry jam
• pinch of salt, optional

Instructions

1. Cream butter and cream cheese for about 2 minutes.
2. Add powdered sugar 1 cup at a time. Add in jam and slowly add pureed strawberry until you get the desired consistency.
3. Chill before frosting

 

Recipe Monday - Marble Cake

This is the first cake I've ever made from scratch. It was not hard, and not bad! Of course, it's a marble cake because one girl wanted vanilla and the other chocolate. What can you do? Next week, I'll post the buttercream frosting recipe that cinched it as a good cake.

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 3 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 cup white sugar
• 3/4 cup butter, softened
• 3 eggs
• 2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cup milk
• 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour two 9 inch round pan.
2. Beat butter and sugar together. Add eggs, beating in one at a time. Add vanilla.
3. Mix all dry ingredients together. Alternate pouring a bit of the flour mix and a bit of the milk (I used evaporated) and beating until smooth until all ingredients used up.
4. Pour 1/4 batter in one pan, 1/4 batter in another.
5. Stir cocoa into the reserved batter. Drop by spoonfuls over top of white batter. Using a knife, swirl the cocoa batter into the white batter to incorporate it in a marble effect.
6. Bake in preheated oven for 30 to 35 minutes, until an inserted wooden pick comes out clean.

My complaints were only that it was a teensy bit dry and I really couldn't tell the difference between the chocolate and vanilla bits, other than coloring. Still, I am SUPER impressed for it being my first homemade cake.

 

Birthday Bash

So, I turned thirty yesterday. And really, for the most part, it was great. It feels just like 29!

 The girls spent two days painting me a box for my birthday. Like a produce box. Just an old box, and they saw it and said, you know what mom needs? A painted box. And they were right.

 Box painting is serious business.

After that, we went over to my friend Yasmin's house. She'd made me a cake, she said.

Now, when I make a cake, I pour a mix into a bowl with a few eggs and water and cook it for a half hour. Usually, I'll make my own frosting, but that also only takes a few minutes.

These friends of mine, they're a different type of folk. A really good, really nice couple. But they do things like grind their own sausage. They do things like grow their own yeast. They serve me things like this for lunch:

 And this:




So, yeah, I was a little wary of my cake. She says it took her two days, and I believe it. She gave me the recipe to post on the blog for "Recipe Monday." It was crammed onto an entire 8x11 sheet of paper. On the back of her husband's PhD resume. Which is just as well, since the information on the front about the physics of agriculture made just as much sense to me as the recipe on the back.

But it's delicious. And gone, I might add. This gigantic cake made it barely two days.

Want the recipe? Really? Because I'll type it all out for you, but that's as far as I go. If any of you make it, you can send some to me.

Crostata Di Apancia

The Crust (Crostata)
300 grams flour
150 grams sugar
130 grams butter
1 egg
1 tbsp baking powder

(And if you guessed I have no idea how much those grams amounts are in American measurements, you're right.)

Directions:
Mix flour, sugar, baking powder and butter. Add egg. Mix until a dough is formed.
Put it in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge for 15 minutes.
Preheat oven to 380 F
Remove dough from fridge and roll it into a buttered pan.
Bake for 40 minutes.
Let cool for 20 minutes.

Filling:
200 grams sugar
50 grams flour
1/2 liter of milk
3 egg yolks
1 small glass of liquere

Directions:
Mix flour, sugar, butter (did anyone see butter in that ingredients list? This is what I'm talking about. Some people know how to cook, and unfortunately for me, they just cannot translate it), and eggs.
Add the milk and start to beat it.
Put it in a pan for stovetop and cook it over medium-high heat, continuously stirring for 5-8 minutes.


Pour the filling into the crust, cut up some oranges, strawberries and melons, and put it in the fridge for at least two hours.

Actually, all typed up, it doesn't look SOOOOO bad. Maybe I'll try it after all. I'll go without the butter in the filling. I'll assume that was a mistake. I'll let you know.

Anyway, this is what thirty looks like when you have a friend who loves you enough to bake you a cake:

And a few extra "party" shots just for fun.

And my husband came home with presents, and took me out over the weekend to celebrate, too.

It was a good birthday.

 

Recipe Monday - Toasted Coconut Cake

I used a base recipe, but made most of this up. It came out good!

• 1/2 cups flaked sweetened coconut 
• 1 (3.5 ounce) package instant coconut cream pudding mix (I used vanilla)
• 1 (14 ounce) can coconut milk
• 1 (18.25 ounce) package white cake mix (I used coconut cake mix)
• 1 cup vanilla yogurt (I used banana. Also, I'd cut this to 1/2 cup)
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 3 eggs
• 
  
•  
• Frosting:
• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, at room temperature
• 1 cup confectioners' sugar, or to taste
• 2 tablespoons milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Spray 2 9-inch round cake pans with cooking spray, and set aside.
2. Spread 2 cups of flaked coconut onto a baking sheet, and toast in the preheated oven, stirring often, until lightly browned and fragrant, 8 to 10 minutes. Set the toasted coconut aside.
3. Place the pudding mix and coconut milk in the work bowl of an electric mixer, and mix on Low speed until thoroughly combined, about 1 minute. Add the cake mix, yogurt, vegetable oil, eggs, and remaining 1/2 cup flaked coconut and mix on Medium speed until the batter is smooth, about 2 minutes. Pour the batter into the prepared cake pans, smoothing the top with a spatula if necessary.
4. Bake in the oven until the top is lightly browned and the cake springs back when pressed gently, about 40 minutes. Let the cakes cool in the pans for 20 minutes before removing to a wire rack to finish cooling.
5. To make frosting, place the cream cheese into the work bowl of an electric mixer and beat on Low speed until the cream cheese is softened, about 30 seconds. Beat in the confectioners' sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, and beat on Medium speed until the frosting is thick and fluffy, about 2 minutes.
6. Spread the cream cheese frosting over the top of one of cooled cake rounds, place the second cake round on top of the frosted round and spread the remaining frosting evenly over the layered cake. Press the toasted coconut gently into the top and sides of the cake.

Recipe Monday - Marshmallow Buttercream Frosting

A great twist on buttercream frosting, not too sweet, and not too sticky. And so easy!

24 large marshmallows (I used minis, approximated)

1 c. milk

1 lb. margarine or butter, softened

1 1/2 c. powdered sugar

I halved this recipe for a 9x13 sheet cake.

Melt marshmallows in milk, in small pan over medium-low heat, stirring till smooth. 

Remove from heat and refrigerate til no trace of warmth remains when you touch the pan (About 45 minutes).

In medium mixing bowl, beat marshmallow mixture til light and creamy, adding margarine a little at a time.

Gradually beat in powdered sugar, beating about 6 to 8 minutes with last addition (the longer you beat this, the more volume you'll have).

Keep buttercream icing refrigerated, in covered container, to use within a week. Freeze buttercream marshmallow frosting to use within 3 months.

(will frost a 9 inch two layer cake)