Mom tips for eating at birthday parties

Like I said last time, we're still at the age where you usually stay at parties unless you're specifically told you can drop and go, and when this happens, you know you're signed up for 2-4 hours of spellbinding fun watching your kid do nothing particularly interesting.

During that span, there is bound to be pizza, cake and ice cream, or as I like to call it: the highlight of the party. But before you grab your three slices and stuff your face with cake, here are some tips to make you look like the gosh-darn adult you are and not the hungry, half-angry, bored panda you've become over the past ninety minutes or so.

1) Pick a spot on the side.

If you are too close to the table, you'll end up serving, and you'll probably accidentally tumble the cake upside down and make someone's kid cry because you obviously mushed theirs on purpose.

Still, you don't want to be in the back. You want full-on access to that food when it's the parents' turn to grab a bite.

2) Don't grab a plate.

It's way too obvious, dudes. Just wait patiently for the servers to do their thing. Stand there with your arms folded, and make witty banter with the poor schmucks who made the mistake of standing too close to the table. At the very least, you'll make their job less pressure-filled with your reminder that adults also exist in the room.

3) Don't be the first grownup in line.

If you can manage third or fourth, you've got it made. Still plenty of pizza (even though the little buggers probably grabbed all the cheese), and you don't look like you've been waiting for this moment your entire life.

4) Take one piece, two tops.

It's more important to be a conscientious adult and save some for the kids who are getting big enough to need two pieces than it is to feed your facehole. Trust me on this, I know it's hard. I want three pieces, too. Just remind yourself that there is cake coming.

5) Resume your exact position.

You want to be in the same spot when it's grownup time for cake. This way, you're still ideally positioned, but it looks casual. Like you are a creature of habit. What, me? Oh, I was just standing here before. This is my standing spot. Do not make the mistake of sitting down. In the three seconds it takes to get your butt off the chair, that kid's dad is totally going to snarf down all the cake. Remember, third or fourth in line. ONE PIECE. You got this.

6) If the party people ask you if you want pizza or cake and you DO, then just say yes.

If you say no to look polite, someone further down the line is going to say yes, and then you have to look at their food with the same longing your first graders is casting upon that huge pile of presents over there.

7) If you DON'T want pizza, that's okay.

It's not rude to politely decline, but absolutely no shade thrown at the poor parents whose only joy in life at this moment are the four slices of pizza they grabbed from their crying child's hands (we're assuming they haven't read this list yet).

8) Don't take the food home.

Even if it's offered, remember how much more painful it is to throw a party than to go to one. All the pain you are feeling times a thousand. Those parents deserve the leftovers. This step doesn't count if it's like your best friend offering it and you know she's legit, or if the food is offered more than once. If that's the case, and it's going to go to the garbage anyway, it may as well find it's new forever home with you, no?

Good luck and good eating!

Recipe Monday - Blueberry Velvet Cake

Another birthday, another birthday cake. This year the girls wanted a blue cake with pink frosting and the closest I could get was a blueberry velvet cake with strawberry cream cheese frosting.

I only had one mess-up, too.

I'll show it to you momentarily.

First, though, the cake! (It basically tastes like a big blueberry muffin, if muffin were cake.)

This recipe originally comes from I Heart Chocolate Milk, who apparently got it from that big, and I mean HUGE, book, Joy of Baking. Ever seen one? My mom had one. Wow.

But before I get to that, let me just tell you a bit about how this went down at my house.

First of all, the kids were supposed to help me, but they couldn't get along for more than 24 seconds at a time, so that idea was basically nixed. They did help measure the dry ingredients, though.

My friend Leanna was over with her young daughter when I started reading the directions.

Right away a snag. This recipe made two 9" round cakes to be piled atop each other, and I wanted a sheet cake. We tried unsuccessfully to do the math for a half-second before giving up. She called her sister, who is apparently a goddess in the kitchen, to ask if a recipe that made two round 9" cakes would also make one 9" x 13" cake.

Her sister didn't know.

Then we got to this gem of a step: "Grease 2 9″ cake pans with butter or cooking spray. Line with parchment paper, then grease again. Set aside."

Are you kidding me? What does that even mean? I completely do not understand this step. Like I'm reading it, and not comprehending what it is they could possibly be asking me to do. I don't get it.

I grease the pans with butter. Then I line with parchment paper? Parchment paper is square. Pans are round. Do I fold it over on itself? Parchment paper is a bit springy. It's not going to stay in those shallow pans? Should I tape it down? Fold it over on itself? Wouldn't the cake come out...crinkled in that case? And then, then, I have to grease the paper after putting it in? After I just greased the pans?

What is this foolery?

Leanna's sister told us to skip that part and just use crisco and flour. Which I gratefully did. Because seriously. What is that up there?

By the way, when Yasmin showed up to save the day (and she really did), she decided this was totally inadequate and re-grease and re-floured these pans. But I'm not complaining, because whatever she did allowed me to get those cakes out of there with more ease than I've ever experienced.

Okay, so now we do all the dry ingredients with no problem.

Then I get to this step: "Slowly add the sugar, and cream (beat with the mixer) until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes."

This looks to me like Add the sugar and cream and beat it with the mixer.

That...doesn't work out, actually.

Eww, gross.

I had to toss it out and try again because what the directions said really was cream together the sugar and butter.

Thankfully, this was the point Yasmin and her whole home-cooking family showed up, and I opened the door with, "Oh my God, I need your help" while Leanna laughed in the background. It was a pretty amazing day, not going to lie.

Smooth sailing from here on out, so here are a few pictures before we get to the delicious recipe.

See? I'm very helpful.

Anyway, they left and I took the cake out of the oven and frosted it, and voila! Delicious, delicious cake!

RECIPE:

Ingredients

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1¾ cup granulated sugar
• 4 large eggs, room temperature if possible
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup milk, room temperature (feel free to use buttermilk)
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1½ pints blueberries
• Blue Food Coloring (can add a drop of red or yellow to achieve the perfect shade of blue you want
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 8oz package cream cheese, room temperature
• 3 cups confectioner’s sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease 2 9″ cake pans with butter or cooking spray. Line with parchment paper, then grease again. Set aside.
3. In a bowl, combine flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt.
4. In another bowl, using a hand mixer, beat the butter until light and creamy, about a minute or so.
5. Slowly add the sugar, and cream (beat with the mixer) until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
6. Add the eggs one at a time, being sure to fully incorporate each egg before adding the next.
7. Add the vanilla, and fully incorporate.
8. Add the blue food coloring as you like. I just add some, mix it, and then see if I need to add more. Keep in mind that we still need to add the flour and milk, so color it a little darker than you want it in the end. It will lighten up once we add the remaining ingredients.
9. Add the flour mixture in 3 parts, alternating with the addition of milk. So you’ll add flour, then milk, then flour, then milk, then flour last. Make sure to incorporate each before adding the next.
10. Mix in the blueberries gently with a spatula.
11. Divide the batter between the 2 cake pans. Bake for 30–35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean.
12. Let the cake completely cool before frosting.
13. Beat the butter and cream cheese with a hand mixer until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
14. Add the confectioner’s sugar slowly and fully incorporate.
15. Add the vanilla and fully incorporate.
16. Cut the top of the cakes to level the tops. You want them to be as flat as possible.
17. Place a dab of frosting in the center of the cake stand. Invert one of the cake pans onto the cake stand. This will help prevent the cake from sliding when you frost it.
18. Use a little less than half of the frosting in between the layers.
19. Place the other cake on top. Frost the entire cake as you wish!!