Fail Kitchen -- How to make flourless pancakes

Okay, so the recipe on this one was really easy.

2 eggs
1 banana
Mix and fry that shit.

And it looks like this:

And it tasted like...scrambled eggs with banana in them. Yech.

And the process was like this: (worth watching, if only for the un-human way I bend my elbows when trying to flip a pancake.)





And...just don't make these. If you want a pancake, make a pancake.

Recipe Monday: Upside Down Omlette

Just kidding. I just call it upside down because that sounds better than "I can't make an omlette without burning the outside, leaving the inside raw and tearing it by accident in three places."

It is a great and easy lunch or breakfast though.

For my family of four, I use:

7 eggs
1/3 cup milk
2 tomatoes
1/2 bag fresh spinach
1 tsp garlic
1/2 onion
1 zucchini
1/2 cup cheese
1/2 cup ham or bacon
salt
pepper
butter or oil

Put the butter or oil in a pan and heat it up medium heat.
Crack all the eggs into a bowl and add the milk. Whisk.
Add salt and pepper.
Saute the zucchini and onion in the pan.
Add the egg mixture.
Add the spinach and tomato when the egg is half cooked.
Keep stirring it up like it's scrambled eggs.
Add the meat.
Add the cheese.

Serve.

Bam.






 

I Give my Kids Chocolate Milk for Breakfast

I give my kids chocolate milk for breakfast. I really do. And every time I squirt the Hershey's into their pristine, delicious white milk, I feel a twinge of guilt. But I don't care. I do it anyway. Here's why:

1) My kids were bottle lovers. They adore routine more than anything else and have since they were born. When we took the bottles away (at two, not one, like we should have), it was as if we'd purposefully ended the world. Those first weeks were tough, and all the "you're such big girls now" in the world weren't helping. So they stopped drinking milk entirely, in protest. Chocolate saved me.

"Hey, how about not milk, but chocolate milk?"
Skeptical eyes. "...Okay."

And it was done.

2) It's not like that squirt of chocolate is going to do more damage than the Froot Loops they're chomping on.

3) I figure it's like I gave them Cocoa Puffs with milk in it for breakfast. Same thing, right?

4) I had sugary crap cereal as a kid and it's still my favorite food. I flatter myself by thinking I turned out just fine.

5) This is only what we call "first breakfast." We have a second breakfast of apple sauce, yogurt, grits or oatmeal, every day.

6) It's not like the pre-mixed stuff. My chocolate milk is actually rather greyish. I've tried slowly weaning back to white milk by microscopic increments. They can totally tell when it goes from just-barely-slightly chocolate to white.

7) To me, there's no difference between 9 a.m. and 1 p.m. so chocolate milk doesn't suddenly become more acceptable in the afternoon.

8) I still cut their juice in half with water. (Although this is pure rationalization now. What does juice management have to do with chocolate milk for breakfast? Nothing. I think I'm done.)

Anyway, I make a lot of parenting mistakes, but if chocolate milk keeps my kids quiet while I do my morning tasks, I don't consider giving it to them one of those mistakes. You've got to do what you've got to do. Right?

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A Hot (Cereal) Mess

Say what you must about the nutrional value of Gerber hot cereal baby mixes, but at least they are easy.  A few scoops of sawdust-like material, a splash of milk, microwaved for a perfect 47 seconds, and you've got yourself a meal.  Add in one of those containers of ready-made Gerber fruit mush that never seem to go bad for some reason (how is that possible, and why does it squick me out?), and your meal is complete.

Of course, there is only so long one can cling to the convenience of whatever the heck that was that I just described.  Now that my twins are almost 2.5, I've been forced to move on to other, more difficult, alternatives.

No problem, right?  I'm a pretty good cook.  I should be able to roll up my sleeves and cook up some hot, delicious cereal with fruit bits and perfect consistency.

Actually, no.

I consistently make the worst cream of wheat I have ever seen.  And this picture?  That's the third attempt.  No matter how much milk I pour in, it's not enough.  On the off-chance it is enough, it boils over, like you see here.  The lumps are unbreakable and stick to the sides of the bowl.  Or it's soupy, and the little kernels haven't expanded properly.

I cannot win with this.

I make the worst hot cereal in the history of hot-cereal-making moms.  I am surprised and grateful that my kids humor me enough to actually eat the stuff.  It's disgraceful.

And it continues to foil me.  Each day I wake up sure that this will be the day.  I just have to use a little more milk.  I just have to microwave in 30-second intervals instead of one-minute sections.  I just need to boil it on the stove instead of using the microwave.  I've even gone so far as to question using the salt they recommend.  Perhaps the salt is the missing magic ingredient that stops lumps and soupiness and overflows.

Today, I have a new game plan.  My kids are going to enjoy their breakfast today, and they deserve it for putting up with my pathetic cereal-making skills for so long.

Today I made muffins.

So, you win, this time, cereal.  But maybe next time you won't be so lucky.  Maybe next time will be my time.  My perfect cereal-making time.

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