Ask a Teacher: When should I intervene if my child is having friend / social problems at school?

Resident teacher Emilie Blanton from Teaching Ain't for Heroes helps us navigate the difficult terrain of first friendships.


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Q: When should I intervene if my child is having friend / social problems at school?


A: It happens. People stop being friends all the time. For kids, this can become an ongoing issue as they deal with the inability to escape their new Not Friend during the school day and the fact that children are inherently less socially developed than adults. Most of the time, adults don't handle this transition well, so it's inevitable that children navigating this social dilemma will have their own problems.

The best idea is to speak with the teacher before it becomes a classroom issue. If there already are problems going on in the classroom, contact the teacher as soon as possible. Try to use whatever mode of communication the teacher prefers, be it email, phone call, or a note in your child's folder. It's important to try to remain objective when you contact the teacher. It's hard to not be upset when your child is hurt, so planning ahead what you want to say is probably the best idea.

Oftentimes students have group work or work in partners and teachers can assign these groupings. Making a teacher aware of social issues isn't just to blame the other child, it really is important so a teacher doesn't unknowingly pair your child with their former best friend and current archenemy. While teachers can pick up on friendship cues, sometimes the dynamics change so quickly, it's hard to keep track.

At home, talk to your child and encourage them to make the teacher aware of things that make them upset or uncomfortable. This is a good time to go over the difference between tattling and actually needing an adult.

Remind your child that not everyone will want to be their friend and that's okay. They won't want to be everyone else's friend, either. Remind them of the other friends they have and the opportunities to have to make new friends.






 

Gazelles and Elephants: Fitting in at five years old -- Contributor Post

Pi and Phi are 5 now. They attend Kindergarten (two different classes so they can both shine their stars individually as bright as possible). They both insisted that they are old enough to ride the bus to school, and because the bus is actually available to them now that they are in Kinder, I agreed. So they ride the bus to school every school day morning.

I drop them off and watch them interact at the bus stop with the other kids. They’re the only Kinder kids in our little neighborhood, so mostly the big kids are leaving them alone and letting them run around like animals waiting for the bus.

Run around they do, too. Every single day, they drop their packs in the bus shelter and then have races from one sign to the other. About 200 feet of a race they do over and over until the bus gets there. Squealing, rambunctious, and overall dorky. Phi runs with his hands clutched high to his sides, a bit like a T-Rex. A smile of pure happiness. His feet hit the ground with the strange, awkward, delicate gait so familiar to other parents who have children on the spectrum. Toes pointed down, still somewhat clompy somehow. Like an elephant doing ballet. So happy.

Pi’s arms are thrown back and her clomping hits whole foot down, her face also has the same smile. So happy. She is a gazelle.

The other kids are mostly silent while Pi and Phi enact these daily races. Pi and Phi encircle them, run between them, around them, near them. You can see the other kids pull back, stare at them. I want to tell Pi and Phi to chill. Be cool. The kids are judging them. I keep my mouth shut. One kid does a mock tiptoe of Phi to his other friends, and they cover their mouths to smile behind their hands. They know better than to laugh where parents can see them. Phi doesn’t notice, just keeps running. Keeps being happy.

I want to scream at these kids. You think it’s awesome that you can run better than him? Running is hard for him. He’s a different animal. You are gazelles, and he is an elephant. His squealing trumpet of glee comes from a differently shaped throat than your own. Is it such a point of pride that yours was shaped different? Do you work for hours to make your gazelle throat shape the sounds that all the other gazelles make?

No he does not have grace. What he has, instead, is hard work. He has perseverance. Thank goodness that’s part of the package with Autism. The same thing that makes him line up puzzles for hours is what makes it possible for him to make words that others understand. He works past the point of wanting to stop. I am furiously proud of his words.

I remember his testing, and them asking us for a list of his words. For a week we tried to put together even ten words that he said at the age of 18 months. Duck. Ball. … Umm.. Daddy? We struggled to find any words that he had actually said. Now, at age 5, his vocabulary is huge. He inherits the wide breadth of spoken word that his father and I use daily, and it shows.

But the kids at the bus stop don’t see that he is a hard working elephant stuck in the land of the graceful gazelles. They see that he is not part of their herd. They close ranks.

So he runs with Pi. Pi who doesn’t care, yet, about gazelles and elephants. All animals are different to her. She takes it in stride.

I want the other kids at the bus stop to see what she sees. I want them to feel the pure joy that he feels.

I’m proud of my mismatched animals, and so furious at the herd that closes them both out. I know that in their classes there are other mismatched animals, and they find them and befriend them. The herd at the bus stop is not their whole world of experience, but only a small window onto it.

I also know that the herd at the bus stop is going to grow. That as they get bigger, it will become more and more evident how different they both are to the herds they encounter. Him for his everything, and her for her acceptance of these things and for her own differences. That the ruthlessness of peers will run their world for the next fifteen some odd years. There is not a thing I can do to change it.

I know that they are going to spend their lives collecting their own herds of mismatched animals. I hope they do not spend too long trying to assimilate into herds that are not their own and do not accept them. I also feel sad for the limited scope of the herd of gazelles at the bus stop. They have not yet learned the value of the different animals. I hope they learn it someday.


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Polly is a twin mother who writes at Pollychromatic. Check out her blog.




 

Ask a Teacher: How do I get my child school-ready after summer break?

Our resident teacher, Emilie Blanton, who blogs over at Teaching Ain't for Heroes, answers the summer-old question, how do we prepare our kids for another year at school after a few months of a totally different (in some cases) schedule?


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Parents are rejoicing across the nation as the new school year approaches. Some of our southern friends are already back in session! Somehow summer always seems so long until you're staring at the calendar wondering how the first day of school approached so quickly. What can you do to help your children begin the new year well?

First, try to get them waking up a little earlier. This isn't a problem with my children who seem to think 5 a.m. is an appropriate time to start the day, but if you have older kids who have started the magical sleeping in, see if you can give them at least a few days adjustment before the harsh reality of getting ready for school is upon them. It might help you get back in the swing, too. Some schools start early and parents might have gotten used to sleeping in a little later as well.

If this year is your child's first year of school or their first year in a new building, try to get them there before the first day. Some schools have Meet The Teacher days or orientation. However, if you're like me, these actually conflict with your work schedule. If that's the case, call up to school some time when you are free and see if you can at least get your child into some common areas like the cafeteria or the main entrance at least. Sometimes it helps that the building isn't some great unknown. If you can't swing that, some pictures from the school website are better than nothing.

Try to call school before orientation or the first day to ask about fees that you might not know existed. While everyone is guaranteed a public education, it's not actually free. Some school related fees can run in the hundred and parents can be surprised by this reality. Do you qualify for fee waiver or free/reduced lunch? Now is a good time to find out if you haven't already. If you don't know, ask. It's better to be told no than to qualify and never get the assistance. School related expenses can be much more costly than people realize.

Don't forget the practice some simple school related activities. Don't bog your child down with "Now it's HOMEWORK TIME!" but try to integrate some reading or writing into your day. Most students experience at least a little Summer Slide. Getting them back in the swing of school related skills can help your child avoid playing catch up for the first few weeks. It can also save them from the horrible hand pain of the first day of school that I've discussed before.

Brace yourself! The school year is almost here!








 

Moment of the Week - The end of kindergarten

Big week for us, here. My kids "graduated" kindergarten. I'm so proud of them. Here are some pictures throughout the year of my babies growing up.

First day!

100 days!

Last days.

And here are some other great photos from all times of this year.

Car wash help; May.

Christmas! Dec.

Connecticut, Dec.

Disney, May

Family portrait by Dulce, March

Easter! April

Halloween. Oct.

Natalina self portrait, Sept.

Summer! June

Napping, January

A regular day, Feb.

Our "truant" vacation. Sept.

Happy year, everyone.






 

Moment of the Week - The School Play

My kids were in a school play, and like everyone else, we took some peekshures.

 

Kindergarten Kids - Rules for The-End-of-the-Year Play

Problem:

Your kid has spent weeks preparing for her special end-of-the-year play. She's spent hours memorizing songs and dance moves. Singing and speaking, being quiet, and watching, readying. And it's all been hush-hush. She wants it to be a surprise for you. Because you'll be there.

We'll all be there.

This isn't the 1980s anymore, and one of the striking differences in parenting style is that these days, you never don't show up. Gone are the days of empty soccer field stadiums that I remember, a few straggling parents there with a weak clap here and there. These days, you show up. Whether you do it because your parents did it for you or because they didn't, you are there.

And so is everyone else.

And...it kind of sucks.

So, I have some rules I thought up that might help next year's class.

Solution:

1) Have the room open immediately.

This play was at 8 a.m. The place had to have been ready the day before. Don't shut the door. We all got there at 7:45 for the morning bell, and we want to go get a seat. What we don't want to do is stand in a line that wraps around the elementary school like a snake of good parenting. Let us in. That was silly and put everyone in a defensive mood.

2) Let parents know where their kid will be.

I have twins. One was in the front. One was on the side of the room. We picked a seat unknowingly where we could see neither of them. A lot of parents did this. So, during the play, there was a lot of people getting up and changing seats, and repositioning, and I'm sure it's not what the school had in mind. The kids had those spots from the beginning. Let the parents know the general area where their kid will be. That's who they're interested in. You don't need seating plans or anything, but just a general idea would be helpful.

3) Parents: don't save seats, for cripe's sake.

Now, I'm not talking about one partner saving a seat for the other partner. One seat saved is fine, necessary even, but I'm saying we came into the room, thinking seats were available and they were not. So we went to the front, where there was an empty bench. Only umbrellas, bags, keys, and shoes were splayed out over the whole thing. Not cool, guys, not cool. Now the mid-seats we could have taken were already taken. And the mid-seats we thought were open? Covered with travel mugs, sandals, and freaking walking sticks.

Stop it. Just stop. We all know you're about to get up and snap a photo of your kid anyway. Do you need to sit next to 80 of your closest parent friends who couldn't get there at 8? Very frustrating.

4) The phones, guys. Can we not with the phones?

Again, when it's your kid's time to play her two-second part? By all means, bodycheck everyone else out of the way, and snap your shot. But they have a video being recorded by the school, guys. And they sent an email saying, HEY, WE'LL HAVE A DVD AVAILABLE, SO DON'T RECORD THIS ON YOUR PHONE.

So, why did I have to try to see my kids through a maze of upheld electronic devices? I showed up at ass in the morning to see my kid sing, not to see her through your tiny newest iPhone lens.

And honestly? Are you going to watch and rewatch your shaky phone video of the kids singing "Florida Alphabet"? Isn't it better to actually enjoy it the first time? To make eye contact with the kid as she sings? I'm not even close to a phone shamer, but in this one particular case, I'm totally down with the 'put down your phone' thing.

5) Don't be the "wooooooooo" guy.

Once you woo for your kid, we all have to woo for our kids. I didn't go to a pep rally, dudes. I went to an itty-bitty kid concert. They don't know how to handle five minutes of parents out-wooing each other after each song. They just want to sing again, so...can we let them? Fist pump at home.

 

My Five Year Old Is NOT a "Strong Leader"

As I walked with my children to school an hour ago, in between paying exactly equal attention and lavishing exactly equal praise to my twins so that they would remain in a human-like mood at least until we got to the big doors, I readied myself for a talk I needed to have with one of the girls' teachers.

As anyone who knows us knows, my girls are scare-quote spirited. We'd been coming off a long stretch of normality, where the girls would play together nicely for hours, accept reality as it came their way, and just generally showed a maturity I knew was too good to last.

But this past week has been an abomination.

There are lots of reasons for this. 1) School is drawing to a close, so their schedules during the school day have been disrupted with activities they are unused to. 2) The dentist told them they needed to stop sucking their thumbs, which, until this point, had been a major source of comfort and security to them. And my kids? They've wills of steel. They stopped that day and have not put their thumbs in their mouths since. I, as an adult, cannot fathom this. I've been trying to stop biting my nails for 29 years. HOOOOOOOOW? They just did it. I don't even know. 3) They've been fighting off an illness, which always makes for a rough go of things.

But there is a new culprit in the mix, and one I'm just not ready to face (although I did and I will).

The influences of other kids at school.

Yesterday, one of my daughters tantrumed for a full three hours. Ninety minutes over a lollipop that she picked out and ninety minutes out of just general malaise. It may have been my hardest day as a parent yet.

When pressed, one particular little girl, Natalina's partner for the school play, and the girl she now sits next to (that was a change from the previous month), kept coming up. M eats blood. M doesn't listen to anyone. M doesn't like me. M says mean things all the time. M likes me now and invited me to the "popular girls club" (INSERT MOM RAGE). M never does what she's told. She doesn't have to. M squeezes her hand hard to hurt her during play practice. M thinks she's a tattle tale. M, M, M, M.

So, I suited up.

In my I-mean-business trench coat and my paper-plate necklace, I prepared my talk in my head to the teacher.

When I got there, though, the tone of the talk surprised me.

"Hi, Mrs. G, I'd like to ask you about M."

She nods, knowingly.

"Okay, good, so you know what I'm talking about. What's up with that?"

She took a moment. "We have lots of trouble with M. Has she said anything ugly to your child?"

"Well, kind of," I replied. "They're partners in the play and I know Lilly sits next to her now. We're having some behavior issues at home, and I know you had to send L to the office the other day for attitude. I was just wondering if you could move her back to sit next to G?"

She hesitated again. Now, this is a longterm substitute. Natalina's teacher had a baby, and left just a few months ago, if that.

Her old teacher knew that N has trouble finishing assignments, and needs a good example to follow. N picks up on cues really easily, so when paired with G for so long, she began finishing assignments and setting a good example for others.

N picks up on cues really easily.

So, when Mrs. G told me that Natalina was a "strong leader" and she needed to "keep a good kid at each table" and mine was "one of the good kids", while my heart filled with pride (and recognition...they used to do this to me in school, too), I knew it was all wrong.

My child is not a strong leader.

And that's okay. She will be. I have no doubt. But she's not there yet. The person the substitute thinks my child is, and who my child actually is are two different people.

Natalina picks up on cues really easily.

For now, because I was not expecting that response at all, I let it go. The teacher is going to monitor the situation more closely, and there are only two weeks left of school anyway.

But, in reality, this is only part one of the talk. I need to, now that I know what I'm dealing with, go back in there and get my kid what she needs.

This may well be the one time in my child's life where being thought of as a strong leader will be detrimental to her, but so be it.

My child is not yet a strong leader, and I will defend her malleability as she grows into one. So that one day, perhaps, yes, the teachers will make her the leader of the table of kids who have some trouble.

Today is not that day.

Today she is just learning how to overcome her own trouble.

This is a crossroads. An important one. These kinds of events could determine how my daughter deals with outside influences for the rest of her life. So, for now, I've instructed her to be nice to everyone, including M, but to know that she needs to do the right thing, always, and not follow along if she sees M behaving inappropriately. That whether or not M likes her bears no consequence on her life.

God, I hope it sticks.







 

Ask a Teacher - How Do I Get My Child to Behave?

In the girls' classes they had this thing called "Shining Star". In addition to their green and yellow and red cards that got flipped for everyday decisions, the teacher would pick one child a week as the best child and send them home as the shining star. Oh, the tears. THE TEARS, GUYS. Shining star was absolutely the bane of my existence, escalating to an unparalleled scale when one of my twins brought home shining star months before the other twin. THE TEARS. Anyway, this system, while very well intended...didn't quite work out for us.

Emilie Blanton, who blogs over at Teaching Ain't For Heroes, has some suggestions on the best ways to reward a child for good behavior, and how to supplement that system at home.

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How can I help my child behave during school?

Every kid is different. If my contributions have a common theme, it would be just that. Every single kid is different and one size does not fit all. It's with that in mind that we had to reevaluate how we were motivating our son in Pre-Kindergarten.

My son's teacher has a system that works really well. Students move up and down a ladder based on their behavior. They start neutral green and can move up with good behavior and down with bad behavior. Students who are green or better receive a stamp at the end of the day to let their parents know. Students who receive a stamp every day that week visit the treasure box on Friday.

The problem for us was that five days in a row was a lot for our son. His teacher and I were both frustrated by his behavior. He wasn't intentionally being bad, he just wanted to play. He would be good on Monday and Tuesday, but if he didn't get a stamp Wednesday, he didn't seem to care about Thursday or Friday.

At our house we devised a color chart that he colored in with his behavior color. Instead of focusing on five consecutive days, we focused on five days, period. If he was good Monday and Tuesday, but then didn't do so hot Wednesday, he still cared about filling in good boxes for Thursday and Friday. He could earn things like a book, an iPad App, a toy from the dollar bin at Target, and so on.

We also had a bad decisions bar that filled up with five no stamp days. After five no stamp days, he lost a privilege that he had to earn back. The bars helped him see his overall behavior and give him a more achievable goal to reach.

There are kids in my son's class who are completely capable of five consecutive good days in a row and maybe next year, my son would be one of those kids. He's just not this year and rather than fret about him being "that" kid in class and wondering why other kids were able to meet the goals set by the teacher, we made our own goals.

If your child is struggling with behavior in the classroom and the teacher's system isn't a good fit for them, making a complementary system to help encourage good behavior and discourage bad decisions is great. What we did might not work for you and it may take some time to get it just right. We'd tried giving and taking away privileges on a day by day basis before trying the chart, but it didn't work for us and we moved on to something that did. Helping your child be successful is about finding ways to facilitate success rather than react to negative behavior. The ultimate goal is to remove these incentives once the behavior becomes habit. It's a lot easier to start with baby steps and work your way up than to expect giant leaps that your child can't or won't take.








 

Dear Overzealous Room Parent

Now, before I get into the nitty gritty of this, would like to state emphatically that I mean this woman no ill-will, I don't think she's a horrible person, I don't think room parents in general is a bad idea, etc. etc. I'm just annoyed. That's all.

Also, keep in mind, I am like the anti-room parent, to be honest. I practice a kindergarten isolationism, not necessarily on purpose, more because I have a life, and that life has nothing to do with interacting with people who won't like me, just because they happen to have also given birth in 2008 and live in the vicinity. We're busy.

Because of this whole, 'bring the kids to school, kiss them goodbye, go home and live my own life, pick the kids up from school, give them a kiss hello, go home and live my own life' schedule, I don't know any of these people. I know a few of my girls' friends parents, because they are important to us. But I couldn't tell you what the room parents look like, or who their kids are, or anything about anyone at all. If I did, I'm sure I would tell you that they are lovely human beings with the best intentions at heart. Actually, I can say that anyway. I'm sure they only mean the very best. Still annoyed.

Not knowing who they are makes it easier for me to dissect a few emails I've gotten by way of Teacher Appreciation week, which is going to be next week.

On Monday, I received this pleasure-bomb in my inbox:

Hello everyone! For those of you who have sent in your donations, thank you! For those of you who haven't, please have your donations in by Thursday (min of 3 dollars). 

On Friday I will be decorating our classroom dope with superheroes. I would like every child to color a picture of their favorite super hero. Please send these to me (you can fold them neatly in an envelope of just put a sticky on that says room parent). I will be cutting out the colorings and glueing then on a poster board. I think this will be more personal :). 

Also, Monday the kids will need to bring in a flower for their teacher to put in a vase when they get to school. 

One last thing, I also would like to send cards made by the kids to mrs _______. Please have your cards send to me no later than Friday. 

Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you! 

OVERZEALOUS ROOM PARENT

First of all, I can't even with the tone of the whole thing. Something about it just sets me on edge and makes me NOT WANT to do any of the things she's asking? demanding? we all do. Kind of like 'you're not the boss of me' with a little 'lol at you' on the side. I don't know. That's probably not fair of me, but there it is.

Let's go over a few of the details, though.

"For those of you who have sent in your donations, thank you! For those of you who havien't, please have your donations in by Thursday (min of 3 dollars)."

Since when can you put a minimum on a donation? Answer: You cannot. A donation is a gift and you don't get to tell people how much they have to give. I mean, technically the minimum is zero because people don't have to donate. If this is a requirement, then you are looking for a different word.

"On Friday I will be decorating our classroom dope with superheroes."

LOL, what? Do I really want someone who can't be bothered to proofread an email doing what is clearly the most important job in kindergarten? (Also, is it wrong of me to worry that my child is going to come home one day plastered in superheroes? JUST KIDDING, SHE'S BRILLIANT, FYI.)

"Please send these to me (you can fold them neatly in an envelope of just put a sticky on that says room parent). I will be cutting out the colorings and glueing then on a poster board. I think this will be more personal :)."

Couple of things. 1) Did you really have to tell us to fold them neatly? I mean, I was totally going to have my kid color her heart out, then crumple that shit into a ball and toss it in the bottom of her backpack. Maybe spill a little applesauce on it for good measure...

2) I have absolutely no idea how you cutting them out and glueing them on poster board will make this more personal. It's only going to make it harder for the teacher to fit it in the garbage can when appreciation week is over. But I'm sure your cutting job will be perfection and right on the lines, so at least there's that.

3) You meant or. Not of. Maybe those cuttings won't be right on the line after all, eh? But that's okay! We are in kindergarten and things don't need to be perfect. ... Actually maybe you don't mean or. Do you mean and? What is happening.

"Also, Monday the kids will need to bring in a flower for their teacher to put in a vase when they get to school."

Okay, first of all, no they don't. The kids don't need to do anything. You're not my mom. Secondly, luckily I have a vase of fresh cut flowers in my home all the time (because I am an AWESOME PINTEREST MOM, FOR REAL). But if I didn't? I would TOTALLY allow my child to pick some random weed flower from a field and call it a day.

"One last thing, I also would like to send cards made by the kids to mrs _______. Please have your cards send to me no later than Friday."

So, let me get this straight, in addition to their homework, this week we also need to draw and color superheroes, fold them neatly and get them to school, bring in $3 and magically figure out who you are to give it to you, pick a freaking flower and have that thing not die before the teacher gets it, and make a homemade card.

No problem. I actually wasn't even doing anything this week, anyway. Because with five year olds, you know that NONE of this shit is going to take less than two hours a piece.

Even still, I was going to do this (I'm still going to do it, but with less enthusiasm). I have it on my to-do list today and everything.

Then this morning, at 6:30 a.m. I get this gem in my inbox:

Hi everyone. I'm still missing donations. We only have 30 dollars so far. It will be very difficult for me to do everything I'm requires to with only 30 dollars. Please send in your donations they are due by Friday. 

In addition, I have not received any superhero colorings from the kids or hand made cards for mrs __________. I have to decorate the classroom door Friday at 1:45 so I need everyone's colorings no later than Thursday. 

Let me know of you have any questions. 

Thanks! OVERZEALOUS ROOM PARENT

So many issues, here. First of all, this was sent on Wednesday at ass in the morning, when in the previous email the deadlines were clearly stated, and none of them were Wednesday at ass in the morning. We are grown ups, lady. We can handle our business, and know what deadlines mean. Thanks.

Secondly, I mean just look at this. I laughed.

"I'm still missing donations." The only way to miss donations, as was pointed out on my Facebook earlier, is if they are stolen or lost once you've received them. People are not required to donate, therefore, you are not missing their non-requirement.

"We only have 30 dollars so far."

Okay, this is my surprised face that you even have more than zero dollars so far because it is hardly even Wednesday when you sent this and the donations aren't "due" until Friday. So, clearly, many many many parents have their shit together way better than me. 

"It will be very difficult for me to do everything I'm requires to with only 30 dollars. Please send in your donations they are due by Friday."

What in God's name are you "requires" to do with this money? I need to know this. What could you possibly be required to do with money parents donated for their kids' teacher other than buy her a gift with that money? And if that's the requirement, then surely you can find something rad (like wine) to give her for $30. Moot point because you're going to get more money anyway, and PS, you didn't have to bully us into it. It's coming, hold your gift-horses.

"In addition, I have not received any superhero colorings from the kids or hand made cards for mrs __________."

This just made me lol. Of course you didn't. COME ON. Something about the tone of this, I can't.

"Let me know of you have any questions."

I just have one question. Who made you the boss of me, though?

Actually, I have another one. What about the families who are struggling and can't donate right now? Or those horribly shitty parents who, you know, work, and therefore haven't had time to address your bullshit yet? Can't we be a little more sensitive to different people's situations? Can't we ask people for their time and effort and money instead of acting entitled to it and then peeved when it doesn't come three days before it's "due"? Just wondering.

Now, lest you think I'm just a jerk (which, sustained, I know I am). I have twins. And my other twin also has a room parent. And she's looking for the same things. And she has managed to alert me to this TWICE just like the first one up there. And she hasn't annoyed me once.

First thing she did right was send the first note home with the kids. So, I'm already in school mode when I'm looking at it.

Second, her follow-up email looked like this:

Good Evening Fellow Miss ________ Class Parents! 

I just wanted to give you the SUPER HERO update for our super teacher appreciation week that is planned for NEXT WEEK! 

Today your child has in his/her backpack a full detailed outline of the upcoming events....if this paperwork has self destructed before making it home...please see attached files. 

Please send in any donations that you are able to contribute for Miss ________ class gift...this will be the BIG end of year gift a special way to say "Thank you" for the OUTTA this WORLD job she has done with our children! Send your donation in a gift card or monetary donation marked "Room Mom." I pull together our contributions and purchase her something special from ALL of us...or if you wish you may acknowledge her individually. I really just want her to know how special she is this week for all of her SUPER HERO teaching she has provided to our kiddos throughout the year! 

Please remember to send in your "SECRET AGENT" homework that your child received today by THURSDAY, APRIL 31 so I can process the data and plan for a surprise door decoration for her on Friday.

Please remember to send your child with a FLOWER on Monday to give to Miss _______ for a special Teacher Appreciation Week Blast OFF!!! 

Thank you for all of your support, REGULAR ROOM PARENT

Dear OVERZEALOUS ROOM PARENT,

Please see REGULAR ROOM PARENT for how to get people on board with plans, act as if everyone is equal, and in general have people like you.

Sincerely,

FRAZZLED TWIN PARENT

Learning Disabled or Teaching Disabled - Guest Post

Tracey over at Inside the Mommyvan has some really great tips on teaching when your child seems stuck on a concept. And I have to be honest, when my kids have to do this, we're screwed. I have no idea what she is talking about. Give me sine and cosine any day over this!

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Last fall, one of my young students began to struggle with a particular math concept. In his case it was adding numbers with sums just beyond the next ten, like 8+7 or 43+9, and doing similar subtractions "across a ten.". i put that away for a bit and moved on to some different math topics, thinking maybe we just weren't quite ready to tackle that. The "Asian math" curriculum we've been using as our primary is known for being fairly rigorous and fast-paced.

When i revisited it in December, the results were no better; if anything it was worse. i tried every teaching method i could think up or read about, but nothing seemed to stick with this child. ALL of the manipulatives came out: the unit blocks, the base-ten set, the abacus, the ten frames. i drew pictures and diagrams. I explained with words and we counted on our fingers. We used online programs and iPad apps to make it more interesting. I offered bribes and made dire threats. He could get to the correct answer by brute force (and, interestingly, he had many of the sums between 10 and 20 already memorized) but i could tell that he just wasn't getting the key concept.

(That concept, for those interested, is that the "ones" being added are split into two parts. First enough are "given" to the other addend's ones digit to complete "the next ten" and then the remainder become the ones digit of the sum. 28+5 becomes, first physically with blocks or abacus and then on paper with little tens-and-ones pictures and finally with numerals, (28 + 2) + 3, and on to 30 + 3, and finally 33. That they learn this before the old "carry the one" vertical addition algorithm is critical to developing strong mental math skills.)

We'd hit a brick wall. This child was going nowhere, and I had exhausted all of the topics with which I could work around this one. If we were going to progress, I had to find a way to get this idea into his brain. My patience was wearing thin at this point, and i was about ready to throw in the towel and... i don't even know. We even tried an outside enrichment program, to no avail (it wasn't a very good one).

Finally, I took a leap and purchased another popular math curriculum. I'd previously shied away from it because it seemed to have a lot of busywork, drill questions which looked like duplicates of work we were doing online. it wasn't cheap for something i wasn't even sure we'd use, but i was desperate. It devotes a couple dozen pages to slowly building this particular topic up, step by tiny step. Surely the kids would be bored before we were halfway through, going over and over the same material.

I pulled every page relevant to our trouble topic out of both the main text/workbook and the supplement. i reviewed the first baby step with our manipulatives. I took a deep breath, and set the first page in front of him. He breezed through it! We tried two more pages the next day... same result. I could see the light bulb flickering to life! Before long, he'd made it through the entire section. Best of all, he's gotten a taste of success where previously there had been only frustration, and he's enjoying it! He is now doing sums in his head that he could previously do only with base ten blocks and lots of coaching.

Often, a failure in the classroom - even a homeschool classroom - is unilaterally placed on the student's shoulders. It's inattention, carelessness, laziness or willful obstinance, even a learning disability. For some students this is accurate, but before slapping one of those labels on we need to be sure it's not instead a failure of the teaching. As homeschoolers, we have the luxury of slowing down, even backing up to try a different teaching method or curriculum, but we must remember to take advantage to that and not be slaves to the checkboxes in our lesson planners. In our case, a simple change from one math book to another was the ladder we needed to hop right over that brick wall we'd slammed into a few months back.





 

Ask a Teacher: How Do You Feel About Homework?

As the holidays draw near, homework becomes more and more of a chore. But how much is too much? Our teacher Emilie Blanton who's usually over at Teaching Ain't For Heroes has the answer.


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As a parent and educator, I believe homework is vital and serves an important role. However, and this is a big however, there can be too much, which defeats the purpose in the first place.

My son is four and attends Pre-K at a local Catholic school. He has homework once or twice a week and overall, it has been a positive experience for us. You're probably thinking I'm crazy for appreciating homework at the Pre-K level, but there are some advantages to it. First, it reinforces the idea that learning happens at home as well as at school. It helps students practice skills they've already learned. If done correctly, kids have fun while practicing school concepts at home. Importantly for our family, it gives us a guideline of what is age appropriate "work" to do. I teach high school, but that doesn't mean I understand the ins and outs of what's appropriate for a four year old to be able to master.

Homework can be done wrong. Homework done the wrong way is what creates headaches and nightmares for parents, as well as students. Homework is not the time to learn new material. Homework is for additional practice and nothing more. At the younger grades, homework should be more about creating good habits than overloading students with too much work. We get maybe 10 minutes total of homework a week and it's only 10 minutes because my son gets distracted or spends time talking to me instead of writing what he's supposed to write. We don't push too hard and he doesn't resist. It's a good set up for now.

Even if a student isn't being asked to learn something new at home, lengthy homework, especially at the younger grades, can really damage a student's confidence and love of learning. After being at school for several hours, another hour of homework is unreasonable for anyone, but especially young children.

As a teacher, I use homework as a time to practice skills we're learning that need more practice. I'm not in the habit of making busy work. When students do busy work, I have busy work to grade, as well as the expectation that I make more busy work. Who has time for that? No one. Not my students and certainly not me.

When it comes to doing age appropriate work, I have no idea what four year olds are capable of. Yes, I know my son best, but I also see the epic Facebook-crafting that makes me think my child should be composing symphonies. Instead of beating myself up that my child is not the next brilliant genius, I'm having fun watching him grow and increase his skills. It's also important to remember that not every parent knows what to do to help their children become lifelong learners. Without assigned homework, some students may never do any reading or writing at home at all.

If homework is creating headaches and drama in your household, it's time to talk to the teacher and discuss more reasonable expectations. If your kindergartener is stuck at the table for an hour every day, that is not appropriate. Even though the teacher is the educator, you ultimately do know your child the best and you know when they are exhausted and frustrated. If things don't change after talking to the teacher, it's time to talk to a school counselor or administrator and talk about how you can ensure your child is successful.






 

Kindergarten Kids - Shining Stars of Horror

Problem:

It's finally happened. After more than a month, one of your children is the "shining star" of the classroom. Unfortunately for me, when this happens, instead of being able to fully celebrate, I have to go back and forth between my kids, celebrating for one (but not too much) while placating the other (but not too much). Any failure in this system leads to tears. One cannot be too proud and happy, and one cannot be too sad and disappointed, but one must be both proud and happy and sad and disappointed...at the same time.

It's not about winning or losing. It's about someone in the family being deemed "specialer" than the other one, from an outside (and therefore, more authoritative) source.

Solution:

"Could maybe you congratulate and gush about the one, while telling the other her time will come someday and shouldn't we be excited for others when they do well?"

This is brand new information. Finally. Everything I've ever done has been wrong, and why didn't I just think of this!

Oh, wait.

Here's the thing. I think I utter some form of that phrase 20 billion times a day. When you have children close in age, and those children are, well, five, they seriously don't give a fuck about learning to appreciate their counterparts. So I can say that until I'm blue in the face (and I do), and no fucks are given. Ever.

This is normal. 'Buck up, kiddo' doesn't work with five year olds. It just doesn't.

Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to them about this integral life lesson. You should and you have to.

The important part of this "solution" is to realize that parent/child talks almost never go down in Danny Tanner style. You're never sitting on a flower-print bed spread, holding your preciously quiet daughter's hand as her big, searching eyes trust your infinite wisdom, take in your advice and make a behavioral change.

That. Never. Happens. Not even once.

We just have to shout over their tears, screams, pouts and tantrums, hoping they hear at least a fragment of the lesson we're trying to get through to them so that at some point, probably ten years from now, they begin to put the pieces together in a pattern, and finally realize that it's okay when your sibling earns something that you didn't.

Until then, have fun playing the game of 'stop the twins (or siblings close in age) from killing each other or spontaneously combusting from the stress.

Also, start writing letters to the school about why they should discontinue the stupid Shining Star activity. There are other competitions that are better for this that the school also does, like hooploops for good behavior and going to the treasure box when you've amassed a certain number of those. That's a better activity. Do that only. Thanks.




 

Ask a Teacher: What Do I Do If my Child Is "Struggling"

Today, Emilie from Teaching Ain't For Heroes gets personal. She talks about what parents should remember should their kids get a "struggling" assessment in a certain area during the early grades.

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I received my son's first report card. As a teacher, I've prided myself on knowing how to teach and when to teach various things. My first fieldwork experience was with kindergarteners (22 of them), so even though I teach high school, I felt that I had experiences that could help me teach my son.

My son received all checks and his report started out glowing. His teacher talked about how he was sweet and hardworking. She said that sometimes he's disruptive with talking, but he's easily corrected.

And then she said that he was struggling with printing and letter sounds. My pride took a hit with that word "struggling" because I know what that word means in my teacher jargon. In my classroom, I use struggling for kids who are below grade level and in danger of being left behind. I don't use struggling lightly. Struggling is for kids who are missing basic skills necessary to master standards.

It stung. I've been doing everything right. We read every night. He practices writing at home. We always do his homework (yes, homework in preschool!). He loves learning. He loves playing school. He's said he wants to be a teacher, just like me.

But he's struggling.

The idea of a range of normal is just that, a range. There's early readers and late readers and kids who fall somewhere in the middle of that enormous spectrum.

Not every kid can be advanced and perfect at everything they do. It's hard to accept that your child isn't the best in their peer group.

Despite my son's struggles in the first term of preschool, it's unlikely that he'll struggle in the same way that many of the students I have known do. He may not be an early reader like I was, but that doesn't mean that I have failed in someway. Every kid is different and will learn at their own pace.

As parents, it's so easy to get hung up on the successes of our children that we forget that they are individuals who don't need to be measured against their peers.

The fact that so many of us Facebook craft our children's lives so that they appear perfect doesn't help. Hey, I'm guilty. I held my phone just right so that the part about disruption and my son's struggles wasn't visible when I posted a picture of his report to Facebook. When you find yourself feeling down on yourself as a parent, remember that just out of frame, others' lives aren't perfect either.






 

Kindergarten Kids - Ignore It

Problem: 

Even though your kids (by which, of course, I mean my kids), are making great strides toward become actual rational human beings, they still turn into puddles of teary snot when you don't give them what they want. (And you don't know why. You swear they've never gotten anything that way.) Usually you count (and 1, 2, 3 Magic didn't work at all for you, by the way--again, by you, I mean me), or reprimand them, or yell (yuh huh, you do too sometimes), or send them into time out. But they seem insistent on doing this crying thing that gets them nothing but negative results.

Solution:

Warning, this comes from my pediatrician, who is not a child psychologist, but it does seem to be working so far.

If your kids are like my kids, and are still having these silly, drawn-out, toddler tantrums (although, again, it's much less often these days thank God.) apparently, according to my ped, they're not doing it for positive results or to get what they want, but only for attention. And all the the above things I mentioned in the problem section give them a bit of attention.

She suggested completely ignoring it, which I've been doing.

And it works great for me, too, because now I don't have to deal with them when they're being total jerks.

(IMPORTANT: Don't do this until five. We tried doing this on our own about 18 months ago, and then when our kids entered preschool, instead of talking things out with her words, she'd trained herself to run away and cry until she felt better. Which you can't do in school. At that stage, the girls still needed to learn to use their words and face their problems. They do that now, and so this method is working better.)



 

Kindergarten Kids - Entitlement

Problem:

Your kid is entitled (and by your kid, I mean my kids). He's so entitled. You give him a toy plane (oh, I don't know, for example) and instead of saying thank you and playing with the plane, he finds some way to make an issue out of it so he can tantrum. Perhaps his sister's plane has more green on it (you know, for instance), or he can't fly it perfectly the first time he tries (like I said, just throwing things out there. Sigh.)

Or, hey, you bring your kid shoe shopping. You get her the ridiculous Princess Sophia sneakers she wants that light up a million different ways. You also pick out a pair of dress shoes, some purple low boots, and some cute knee-length boots. But the knee-lengthers weren't on sale like you thought, and you have enough shoes without them. Instead of recognizing that she now has three new pairs of shoes, and she should be over the moon about her new fashionable self, she's super upset about the one pair she couldn't get.

Solution:

Never ever buy them anything again or do anything nice for them because seriously what the hell.

Okay, just kidding.

Look, they're just exhibiting patent human nature. We always want more than we have, and when we're rewarded for things, or get treats, we assume we deserve all of it and more.

As parents, we have to teach our little jerks, I mean kids, how to show gratitude.

I'm making it really simple for mine. Every time they pull this entitled crap with me now, I remind them gently what to do instead.

"Mommy just ________ for you. What is the correct response?"

Nowadays they know the answer, but I had to train them to get there. Then (hopefully) they remember themselves, say thank you and we move on.

If they don't, well, I take the toy and the shoes and whatever else they're being miserable about away. Because honestly, people. The correct response is thank you.






 

Get Up, Get Out - Contributor Post

As school has started, our entire morning routine has shifted, and not in an easy-to-swallow way. Thankfully, Alex Nguyen from Alex Nguyen Portraits has done this before and she's got some great ways to get the kids up, out, and into good human beings.

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School normally starts up around here after Labor Day. With the beginning of school, begins also the morning struggle of getting my boys ready and out the door on time in the morning. I have two kids going to two different schools, so it took everything I had to keep my sanity from reminding them of the same things every. single. day. They could recite whole episodes of Curious George, but not remember to brush their teeth in the morning without a reminder. Times two! Fortunately, I instituted a morning chart routine a couple of years ago when my oldest started kindergarten, and it's really streamlined our whole morning process. Now, instead of me getting frustrated that, yet again, I'm reminding him to go pee and brush his teeth, I just redirect him to check out his morning chart, and he can look and cross off what he needs to do. It's been a sanity saver, and let's me make a cup of coffee in the morning so I can get going with my day.

The second thing which also helps in our household is a chore chart. I downloaded a template and laminated the different chores and velcroed it to the chart. I love it because there are things that need to be done such as feeding the pets, practicing spelling, not fighting with their brother, etc. that isn't necessarily a chore that I want to reward. The template has a "morning", "afternoon", and also a "to earn" column. In our household, I give out chore coupons for completed chores in the "To Earn" column. One coupons = one quarter OR 30 minutes of screen time. Each boy gets their own chore chart to complete, with age appropriate chores. It really helps gives them a sense of responsibility, and also gives me a chance to redirect them to being helpful (and in the older son's case, making sure his homework is completed, he has practiced his soccer skills or tae kwon do poomses). In the long run, kids who *want* to be helpful get to be, things get done, and sanity gets saved. It's a win, win for everyone!

Project Links: Morning Responsibility Chart Template for Chore Chart (.PDF File)
 

This is the responsibility chart I have for both my kiddos. It's SO helpful in the morning because I can just tell them, "Go look at your chart!" instead of nagging at them in the morning. The step-by-step tutorial I found on Spoonful.com here. To make your own you will need: corrugated cardboard, paper, bamboo skewers, and a straw.

 

My older son's chart reads: wake up, go pee, brush teeth/puffer, eat breakfast, get dressed, pack back pack (includes homework AND lunch). This is simple stuff that needs to be done every day! My younger son has pictures since he can't read yet.

 

Here is the chore chart I have for both my boys, I downloaded the template from Home School Creations (it's a .PDF file, free to download!). I laminated mine, and then put velcro on the backside. I like this template because it has morning, afternoon, and also a "to earn" column, because I want my boys to have automatic things to do that aren't just for money (such as feeding their pets). It also has pictures AND words so both kids can look at it and understand what it asks.

 

What the velcro looks like, it's very easy to adjust around. When the boys are done with a chore, they put it "upside down" on the chore chart to let me know that it's been finished (easily done with velcro).

 

I got my squares from Home Depot, but you can also buy them from places like Lakeshore Learning, or Amazon.com

 

Some of the different chore squares the printable template came with! It also came with some blank ones where you can make your own.

 

In our househole, one chore in the "to earn" column equals one chore coupon. The value is 25 cents OR 30 minutes of screen time, whichever they want.

 

First Day of School

Well, last night was rough, I didn't sleep well. My kids are kindergarteners now, and that's kind of a big step...for me. Hopefully not for them, right? Anyway, here are a few snaps we managed to get off at 7:30 a.m. this morning. (Way, WAY earlier than we're all normally awake, by the way.)

Happy school, everyone.