Thank You for Being a Friend: Making and Keeping Adult Friends -- Guest Post

Making friends as a child seems so simple. "You like blocks? WOW, ME TOO! Let's be friends."

That makes it even more frustrating when, as an adult, the process is not only more complicated but more difficult. It’s nothing like what I thought when I watched Spice World or Friends as a teenager. You may not regularly be in situations where you can find common ground with other adults. Everyone is busy, and they don't have time to chat with you or just drop by- they're off to their next appointment.

And making friends at work can be tough. Maybe your co-workers are different enough from you in terms of stage of life, politics, interests, whatever that you can't connect on more than a fairly superficial level. Maybe you don't want to mix your personal and your work life much. Maybe you always have to run out at the end of the workday, so regular happy hours and other work functions aren't an option for you.

And maybe you have those life-long high school or college friends that you always keep in touch with, but you don't live near them anymore, or something else is keeping you from the social face time you need. So how does an adult make friends, then? How do you keep up a social life with all the other stuff you have going on?

I've found a few things that have worked for me for making and keeping adult friends:

Join something. Volunteer groups, professional organizations, take a class, do something else with a group that you find inspiring. You'll automatically have something in common with others there, and even if you don't meet a potential new friend, you still get a benefit. You get the opportunity to talk and work together with others on a common goal. Some of my best friends I met through volunteering.

Schedule your social time. One of the big barriers for me to having an active social life is that I get lazy about social engagements, and then after a couple months of living in a cocoon I realize I'm really lonely. Regularly scheduled social time makes a huge difference. I have a set time once a week where I get together with a group of friends- we eat takeout and watch Netflix, nothing big, but it really helps me get much needed social time. It doesn't always happen, but definitely more often than not- and having the standing appointment means I don't have to think ahead and plan something out. It helps me maintain my relationships too- that way my fragile adult friendships don't wither from neglect.

In the same vein- book your social time well in advance. People are busy and have well-developed routines. It's hard to do last-minute lunches or movies or coffee outings with friends who have a lot going on. I try to book things about a month ahead of time- yes, even casually grabbing coffee. So much easier to work around schedules that way. I have a few friends I can get together with on short notice- but those are few and far between.

Use social media. I try to check in with friends every so often using instant messaging or Facebook. It feels a bit more superficial than going out for coffee, but it really helps to keep that connection alive. As well, it can help you build a connection with a new friend- you might find that that cool person you met at yoga also loves incredibly spicy Thai food, has kids of similar ages, and loves going to cheap matinees and having weekend Netflix binges. A couple of quick Facebook conversations can take you from casual acquaintances to great friends.

Be forgiving. Again, people have a lot going on. It's easy to get frustrated when people frequently cancel plans, but it's also tough to keep social plans when you've got kids and jobs and a million other things competing for your attention. For sure, don't just be a social doormat, but also, cut people some slack. This is also a good reason to build up a group of friends- if your regular coffee date hasn't been able to make it in a while, maybe invite another friend for a Thursday morning latte for a while.



What have you found has helped you to make and keep friends as an adult?

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When she’s not making play-doh spaceships with her two young sons, Jenny Hill, CPLP creates engaging, accessible, and effective learning experiences, so learners can reach their potential and do their most meaningful work.  You can contact her on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferreneehill.

The Daily Rundown of a "Stay at Home Mom"

"Men are changing minds, and women are changing diapers."

Really?

You, MacKay, are a turd. Time for a change.

The people over at Huffington Post wanted us to detail our mornings, and then contrast that to our husband's. That, I can do. I no longer change diapers (thank God), but I do some pretty important things.

7:30 - Wake up
7:45 - Coffee
8:00 - Clean all the dishes from last night and tidy the kitchen
8:20 - Make the kids breakfast
8:30 - Answer emails, write a blog post and post it
9:30 - Make my husband and myself breakfast, make my husband's lunch
10:00 - Kiss my husband goodbye, eat my breakfast
10:01 - Breakfast interrupted to oversee children making their beds and getting dressed.
10:08 - Breakfast interrupted to break up a fight between them
10:10 - Tell one of the kids to stop looking at the other one.
10:12 - Tell the other kid to ignore the first kid. (this goes on forever, but you get the point. Back to me.)
10:30 - Edit a few chapters of a book for a client
11:30 - Send out article submissions, pitches and other follow ups
12:00 - Make girls lunch
12:15 - Clean something (bathroom, fish tank, toy room, you pick. But something.)

And this is only because my kids are five now. And I do, seriously, get interrupted every three minutes when I'm not playing with them. Every. Three. Minutes. So, it's hard to get much done at all. But we prevail. Though, I'm sure I'll never change the world.

Oh wait. Yes, I will. Just wait. You'll see.

My husband's schedule:

8:00 - Wake up
8:10 - Make tea for himself
8:15 - Write, alone, in his office with the door shut (sometimes in the bathroom with the fan on, because we make a lot of noise around here, and he needs quiet to write).
9:30 - Get ready for work and eat breakfast
10:00 - Leave for work
10:15 - Work (copy editing newspaper articles for the New York Times International Weeklies).

Given this, I think it is safe to say that we both play important roles, not one role more important than the other. We're both making an impact on the world. While his may be more immediate, my contribution will someday see its light.

What we don't need is some blowhard coming along and trying to puff up one kind of work while putting down another. I mean, somebody had to have raised Peter MacKay. I'm just glad it wasn't me.





 

Kindergarten Kids - Summer Activities

Problem: 

School's out, omg.

Solution:

First, if you haven't signed your kindergartner up for summer camp, do it. Decide what's right for you. There will probably be full-time and part-time options, sports camps, camps associated with schools, city or town camps and religious camps. Pick your poison, but seriously, do at least one, if not a few (if you can afford it...these things are really expensive.) We're thinking of doing one in the beginning and one at the end of vacation.

In the middle, plan a trip. We're going to my mom's for a couple weeks. It splits up the months so that they seem shorter on either end, and you can repeat what you did the first half in the second.

Do day trips or cheap staycations for holidays like Independence Day. Trying to plan your actual vacation for this week is like a death wish that costs a million dollars.

Check out all the free / cheap activities you can. In my city, they offer lots of activities every day. The libraries always have something going on, Tuesdays and Wednesdays certain movie theaters have $1 films in the mornings for kids. There are parks, and museums with free admission days. Don't forget playdates, too. Hopefully the more you host, the more your kids will be invited out (of course, it doesn't really work that way with twins, but we do what we can).

With all this, hopefully the weeks will fly by in a whir of fun and school will be there before you know it.

 

Get Up, Get Out - Contributor Post

As school has started, our entire morning routine has shifted, and not in an easy-to-swallow way. Thankfully, Alex Nguyen from Alex Nguyen Portraits has done this before and she's got some great ways to get the kids up, out, and into good human beings.

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School normally starts up around here after Labor Day. With the beginning of school, begins also the morning struggle of getting my boys ready and out the door on time in the morning. I have two kids going to two different schools, so it took everything I had to keep my sanity from reminding them of the same things every. single. day. They could recite whole episodes of Curious George, but not remember to brush their teeth in the morning without a reminder. Times two! Fortunately, I instituted a morning chart routine a couple of years ago when my oldest started kindergarten, and it's really streamlined our whole morning process. Now, instead of me getting frustrated that, yet again, I'm reminding him to go pee and brush his teeth, I just redirect him to check out his morning chart, and he can look and cross off what he needs to do. It's been a sanity saver, and let's me make a cup of coffee in the morning so I can get going with my day.

The second thing which also helps in our household is a chore chart. I downloaded a template and laminated the different chores and velcroed it to the chart. I love it because there are things that need to be done such as feeding the pets, practicing spelling, not fighting with their brother, etc. that isn't necessarily a chore that I want to reward. The template has a "morning", "afternoon", and also a "to earn" column. In our household, I give out chore coupons for completed chores in the "To Earn" column. One coupons = one quarter OR 30 minutes of screen time. Each boy gets their own chore chart to complete, with age appropriate chores. It really helps gives them a sense of responsibility, and also gives me a chance to redirect them to being helpful (and in the older son's case, making sure his homework is completed, he has practiced his soccer skills or tae kwon do poomses). In the long run, kids who *want* to be helpful get to be, things get done, and sanity gets saved. It's a win, win for everyone!

Project Links: Morning Responsibility Chart Template for Chore Chart (.PDF File)
 

This is the responsibility chart I have for both my kiddos. It's SO helpful in the morning because I can just tell them, "Go look at your chart!" instead of nagging at them in the morning. The step-by-step tutorial I found on Spoonful.com here. To make your own you will need: corrugated cardboard, paper, bamboo skewers, and a straw.

 

My older son's chart reads: wake up, go pee, brush teeth/puffer, eat breakfast, get dressed, pack back pack (includes homework AND lunch). This is simple stuff that needs to be done every day! My younger son has pictures since he can't read yet.

 

Here is the chore chart I have for both my boys, I downloaded the template from Home School Creations (it's a .PDF file, free to download!). I laminated mine, and then put velcro on the backside. I like this template because it has morning, afternoon, and also a "to earn" column, because I want my boys to have automatic things to do that aren't just for money (such as feeding their pets). It also has pictures AND words so both kids can look at it and understand what it asks.

 

What the velcro looks like, it's very easy to adjust around. When the boys are done with a chore, they put it "upside down" on the chore chart to let me know that it's been finished (easily done with velcro).

 

I got my squares from Home Depot, but you can also buy them from places like Lakeshore Learning, or Amazon.com

 

Some of the different chore squares the printable template came with! It also came with some blank ones where you can make your own.

 

In our househole, one chore in the "to earn" column equals one chore coupon. The value is 25 cents OR 30 minutes of screen time, whichever they want.

 

Preschool Pointers - 38: Make an Activities Schedule

Problem:

It's summertime. That means hours upon hours of emptiness to fill, minds to stimulate, fun to be had. All this fun and education for your kids can cause wear and frazzle for you (ask me how I know). So, how can you stop the boredom without losing your mind, or frantically rushing around all the time?

Solution:

Schedule it. Obviously you can't plan your whole summer and things are going to pop up or cancel out with nothing you can do, but if you have a general framework in which you want to work, you'll find it's easy to replace or work around those variables.

I do my scheduling on Thursdays. First, I look online for free events for kids in my town. Last week, the library did both a national donut day celebration, and a make-your-own-ice-cream event.

We did both. We also went to a free movie with Jackie from Accidentally Mommy and her kids.

Then I check my "free kids stuff" coupons. My friend and fellow twin mom, Laura, and I took our kids rollerskating for free.

Then I fill the rest of the week up with playdates. Now, being a mom of twins, I automatically resign myself to being the host. Because everyone else has one kid. And I have two. So, yeah, I'm not expecting the invitations to flow like honey over here. But if my kids are entertained, that's more me time, even if they're right in my face. At least, that's what I tell myself. This week, Laura and her twins came over one day, and two little boys from the girls' preschool came over another day.

Nice finger, right? I'm a pro.

Anyway, this coming week looks like this: Playdate Monday morning, didgeridoo Monday afternoon at the library, free swimming lesson Tuesday morning, playdate Wednesday, splash pad Thursday.

Friday? Happy hour. Because, damn, did you just see my week? And then, next Thursday, I'll schedule next week. And there are only like...a billion weeks left, right? Woooo, summertime!




 

Preschool Pointers - 25: Schedule the Hour

Problem:

Your kid is demanding. She needs to know what's going on, why it's going on, what you're going to do that day and whether or not it will be superawesomefun times. But if she doesn't like even one thing on the list, she'll try to manipulate you to get something else, or whine about the chores she has to do, or nitpick or whatever. Basically, she wants to know what's going on and you don't feel like wasting 45 minutes of your life telling her.

Solution:

Take it in pieces. She wants to know (and afterward, argue) because she wants to feel like she has some control over her own damn life, mom, gawd! The less you give her to work with, the fewer complaints you'll receive. I go by the hour. The girls get up. "What are we going to do today?" I'll tell them, well, first we have to do morning stuff, like get dressed and eat breakfast. After that you can watch a video if you want while I clean up, then we'll go to the park." END.

They'll think about complaining about having to get dressed and eat, but, hey, if they do that, there's a video in it for them! Plus, I've told them what I will be doing during that time (my kids apparently assume I sit on my butt all day, which is never the case) and if they know I'm cleaning, well, they're not going to come bother me because I'll make them help.

Before it's time to go to the park, I re-familiarize them with the plan, adding new steps. "Okay, so we'll bring a picnic lunch to the park, and you can eat it there. We'll play with your friends, but when we come home, you'll have to have a nap."

They won't want a nap, but they'll agree to it if they get a picnic and the park first! Great! Now it's nap time. When they wake up, I'll plan out the afternoon in the same fashion, hopefully avoiding fights and complaints all around.





 

Guest Post - Specific Tips for Putting Twins to Bed

Today I'm lucky enough to have a guest post from Agnes Jimenez about bedtime...something that can take anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour for us, depending on the day and mood.

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All children have different preferences when it comes to bedtime. Some like a nightlight; others may
want a glass of water, while some will fight tooth and nail to stay up. Having twins can make this even
more difficult. If you are having problems getting your kids to sleep, there are some very specific things you can do to solve the issue.

Consistency is a huge part of having a successful nighttime routine. Give both kids a five minute warning before bedtime. This will give them a chance to mentally transition and to finish up whatever they are doing. Pick a time for bed and stick to it. Vary this time by no more than an hour on the weekends. Letting children stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights will cause them to basically have jet lag on Monday morning. If getting kids to sleep on the weekends is tough, plan fun things they love to do on Saturday or Sunday morning. This will give them motivation to get up in the morning, which will help them transition to sleeping at night.

Make your evening relaxing and predictable by filling it with calming activities. Read stories, sing songs, or have cuddle time. Make sure both twins have an activity that they like. If one wants a story and the other wants to sing, make sure both have what they need. Try to make it predictable by turning it into a routine. For example, maybe the children have a bath, then get a story, and then cuddle with you before bedtime. You can change a regular bath into a bubble bath, choose a different story, and have them cuddle with daddy instead of you. But keep the main activities the same.

Take care of their physical needs ahead of time. Provide bathroom reminders, make sure they have on
comfortable pajamas, be sure each child has their favorite toy, and adjust the temperature of the room
ahead of time. Be sure they are comfortable with nice sheets and the best mattress. If there are other
preferences like a nightlight or glass of water, make those available as well. Most importantly, leave
before they are asleep and allow them to settle in themselves. It is important that children learn how to
relax on their own.

It is possible to put twins to bed! Be positive and try to make the evening relaxing and calm. Stick to a
predictable routine that varies as little as possible. You can enjoy a nice night with your twins.










 

Guest Post - How to Be the Best Organized Mommy in Town

I am fortunate enough to have the talented and organized Ana Brady guest blogging for me today. She's got tips on how to include your children in your life so that everything gets done and fun is had at the same time!
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There are mommies who manage to get everything on their daily agenda done, and mommies who simply don’t.

Before I got pregnant, it was just my husband, me, and our desire to spend our lives goofing around, going out with friends, traveling, watching movies, cooking together... We watched our acquaintances and wondered how they survived with jobs, children and so many obligations that come with that.

Then we got two beautiful babies and suddenly it was my husband, me, the babies, and our desire to do everything to keep them safe and happy. Well, that, and a pretty firm decision we will not be like many other parents who "quit" their previous lives when they get children. We made a deal we’d be the best organized parents in town. Did it work? Well... We haven’t made a survey, but I’m satisfied at how our plan is coming along. If you feel like you don’t have parenting figured out and you’re always missing some time for yourself, here are some tips I found very useful, that might help you, too.

1. Make a list of things that you’d be very unhappy if you had to abandon them. I don’t mean activities that would give you some pleasure, but those that you really can’t do without. Activities that you as an individual really need. Everyone needs some alone time, some entertainment time, some shopping and getting-hair-done time. Make a list of what you really need in your life. That could be: exercising at least twice a week, drinks out with girlfriends once a month or more often, reading a chapter of a book every day, writing poems, planting flowers, etc. You and your partner need to figure out how to help each other keep your favorite activities and hobbies.

2. Some of the things you want to do, like shopping or seeing your friends, don’t have to exclude your children. Malls have playgrounds where you can leave your children with experienced instructors for an hour or even more, and you can spend some of that time checking out the latest spring/summer collection at your favorite store. If there’s some children’s play going on in a mall, or park, or any other venue, you can set up a meeting with your friends there, and enjoy their company while your kids are engaged with what the puppets or actors are doing on stage.

3. If cooking is taking too much of your time, you need to make some organizational changes in the kitchen. For some time now I’ve been practicing cooking only, or mostly, on weekends. That’s when I make one or two meals for the weekend, but I make large quantities so that I can freeze extra servings. While my husband is playing with our kids, I also cut the newly bought groceries and prepare them for the freezer. That way, in the week to come, I have several ready-made meals and ingredients that can be whipped up into a healthy meal very quickly.

4. If your children are hyperactive, take them outside for a long walk that will tire them out after a while, and also feel wonderful to your body that probably doesn’t get enough exercise. Do this after dinner, so that when you get back home, they are ready for bed, and you can have some relaxing alone or partner time.

I’m aware that the advice I offer here will not work for everyone, for various reasons. Still, it’s good to see how different families function. That way you can modify what works in someone else’s family, or you might get an idea for your own four (or more) tips on how to get organized and live a more relaxed and enjoyable life.

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Ana Brady is an enthusiastic mother of two and writer who blogs about nutrition, recipes, family time, fitness, healthy living and similar topics. She and her husband work on a project on vinyl sheet labels. 

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Babies Aren't Machines; Throw the Schedule Out the Window

One of my biggest problems with blogging is that many bloggers work for organizations that pass themselves off as news. They call their pieces articles. These are not articles. They're commentary at best (and this includes my own work. Unless I'm citing pediatricians and other experts and fully exploring and representing both sides of an issue, which I don't think I've ever done, this is not news. This is opinion.)**

So that when an "article" comes down the pipe on Patch.com about putting small infants on a schedule and cites one pediatrician and a whole lot of anecdotal evidence, I get a bit miffed.

Sue Buchelt tells me that parents are supposed to start working toward getting their infants on a schedule as soon as they leave the hospital. Her methods include stuffing the baby as full as he can get so that he goes at least 3.5 hours between feedings (both breastfed and formula fed) and letting the infant cry it out if he wakes up before it's time.

But it's okay. She knows. Her pediatrician told her. Plus, she has four kids. A singleton and triplets, and it worked for them, so obviously she's an expert on everyone else's kids' needs, as well.

She suggests this schedule and says her singleton was on it and sleeping through the night at six weeks. Her triplets? By three months.

6:30 am feeding
nap after feeding (in bed)
10:00 am feeding
1:30 pm feeding
nap after feeding (in bed)
5:00 pm feeding
8:30 pm feeding

That right there looks more like a dream to me, and not the kind I'm getting while I let my children scream in bed for twenty minutes after they wake up (we'll get to that piece of advice in a moment). And if Buchelt was able to pull it off, more power to her. But what about you? What if your baby gets hungry in between 6:30 a.m. and 10 a.m.? What if he gets tired after his 10 a.m. feeding? What if he won't go down for a nap after his 6:30 a.m.?

Babies, especially very young infants, are not made to fit into your sleep schedule. If you expect to regiment them like this, you are probably in for major disappointment. You're setting yourself up for failure. Babies aren't meant to be scheduled so young. They're all so different. They get hungry at different times for different reasons. Feed them. They are tired early? Put them to sleep. They wake up crying? For God's sake, go to them.

Babies are not machines. They may not be able to express their feelings, but that doesn't mean they don't feel. There's not a damn thing they understand in the world that they just came into, and parents are supposed to leave them hungry because it's not 1 p.m. yet? Parents are supposed to let their infants fend for themselves in the dark, in a room alone, because they've woken up before the allotted time?

The baby isn't crying to annoy you. She's not crying to interrupt your sleep pattern. It's not about you at all. Your baby is crying because she's wet, or she's hungry, or she's scared. She's only just weeks old. She doesn't even know how to smile yet, let alone manipulate you to get some more mommy-time out of the deal. There's plenty of time for that when the children are three, like mine. It does not start in the first months of life. No. In the first months of life, they cry because they need you. Buchelt would abandon them because her pediatrician told her to?

She says, "You need to be okay with letting your baby cry for 15-20 minutes. Which can be pure torture, but if you are the type of person that needs to pick your baby up every time you hear a peep, this will never work for you."

There is a big difference between uninterrupted wailing for 20 minutes and "a peep," and to be quite honest, even if you are the type to check on the baby at every peep, it's okay. It's your baby. It's okay for you to be worried about him and check whenever you want to. You'll soon get to know your own child, provided you listen to your own intuition and your infant's cues, and you'll soon know when the child is resettling and when he actually needs something, be it a diaper change or just some reassurance that you are still there.

Because twenty minutes of listening to crying is hard on an adult, certainly. But how long do you think that twenty minutes is to the infant who is waiting for someone to come? The baby doesn't stop crying because she's magically become satisfied on her own. She doesn't stop crying because her little mind-game didn't work. There is no mind-game. The baby stopped crying because she gave up hope. So, in two months' time, if you've managed to train your child like this, you may very well be sleeping through the night. But you're doing so at the expense of your infant's trust. She needs you. Why not go check on her instead of "putting a pillow over your head"?

Now, if you're one of the unlucky parents who have a lively one who's not ready to give up after 20 minutes, Buchelt advises you go ahead and check on him. But make sure you don't treat him like a human being.

"Do not talk to your baby, and do not make eye contact. No, you’re not being mean, your just letting them know that it’s bed time, not play time."

Yes, you are being mean. You're baby is mere weeks old. He doesn't know bed time versus play time. He only knows that he needed something, he was scared and crying for 20 minutes, and no one came to his aid. He only knows that now that someone finally arrived, she's not there to comfort him.

Then Buchelt comes out with this gem.

"Now offer them some distilled/nursery water for 5-10 minutes. My daughter never drank out of a bottle, so she outright refused the bottle and 2 out of 3 of the triplets drank the water, but either way, it just another way to stall their feeding time."

Everything I've heard says not to give infants water. Ever. But barring that, why on Earth would you want to delay a feeding? If your seven-pound child is hungry, she probably needs to eat, and she probably needs to eat now. Filling her with water to trick her little body into thinking it's full does no favors for anyone. She's hungry because she needs nutrients. This is biological. You'd deny your infant her biological needs because you know better than her body? I don't know, it just seems off to me.

But, guys, if you don't think Buchelt's method will work, she's got irrefutable evidence. It not only worked for her, it also worked for her sister, who has four kids. That's eight children this method has worked for! Oh, and don't forget the other triplet mom for whom it worked. That's eleven children who responded to being bullied into a schedule. With those kinds of numbers in support of this method, I'm surprised everyone isn't doing it.

The point of this post is that mothers give birth to babies, not machines. Babies don't cry to piss their mothers off. There is, at that age, a very good reason for them to be crying. It's the parents' job to figure it out. If you can do that, you'll be sleeping again a lot sooner than those who spend their nights staring at the clock, waiting for their 20 minutes of screaming to be up so they can  go check on their hungry, wet, scared child.

Buchelt's Patch.com article: http://lisle.patch.com/blog_posts/baby-not-sleeping-through-the-night-yet-youve-gotta-have-a-schedule


**Just to be clear, I understood that this piece was a blog.

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