How to handle mean, baseless "reviews" -- Guest post

Last night the Twitterverse exploded around Kathleen Hale’s essay in The Guardian, Am I being catfished? An author confronts her number-one online critic. I’d read it a few days ago, thought it had a great ho-lee-shit quality about it, and scheduled a tweet for later in the week.

Little did I know.

If you haven’t seen it yet, a Goodreads user writing under the handle “Blythe” wrote a review of Hale’s book. Hale thought “Blythe” got it factually wrong, and took issue with the tone. “Blythe” harassed Hale via social media and did everything she could to bring down Hale’s ratings, including commenting on positive reviews of the book to say that reviewer had it wrong.

The We Hate Hale camp’s position is summed up nicely here.

And here’s a post on Bustle with a more nuanced view.

“Book bloggers,” which appears to mean anyone who has a blog and writes about books, or puts comments on other sites that write about books, are shocked—shocked!—that trashing people’s work on the internet as meanly as possible may well be free speech but is not in fact free from consequences.

I can't work out why this article was published. What purpose it could possibly serve, except to frighten and intimidate bloggers.
— Samantha Shannon (@say_shannon) October 18, 2014

The book blogging community is vital & wonderful. I am so sad/sorry about those who may no longer feel they can safely express themselves.
— courtnival of souls (@courtney_s) October 18, 2014

The pearl-clutchers now terrified to post their opinions are laboring under the impression they are reviewers.

They’re not.

They’re hecklers.

This is not to say all comments must be positive. Or represent an in-depth engagement with the text leading to a thoughtful assessment of the positives and negatives and where within its particular canon the book should be placed (that would be a “review”). But little gems like

Fuck this.

are the moral equivalent of the guy yelling “you suck!” at a comedian. “Fuck this” doesn’t add anything to the dialogue. It’s not even a statement of opinion. It’s a deliberate, nasty jab intended to hurt the author personally and financially. And for those still heady with the power to depress sales and writers, it’s not as retribution-free as it looked.

As writers, we’re counseled not to engage with reviews. At all. Ever. And for thoughtful reviews—or even statements of opinion such as “Bad writing and it was a waste of time to read it”—that’s still the best policy. A genuine review by a qualified reviewer can, after the initial pain subsides, be tremendously helpful (it’s usually the first time we’ve heard from someone not already in our corner).

But for the assholes yelling “Fuck this”? Don’t engage as the writer with a reviewer. Squash them like a comic with a heckler.

 STEP ONE: The heckler must be loud enough to be heard by everyone else. 

If you can’t hear them clearly, nobody else can either, and putting down that heckler makes you look mean. For writers, this means don’t seek it out. If you can’t “hear” it, chances are most people outside that immediate community can’t either.

But if it’s coming across your social media, and other people have first identified it as mean, so it’s not just your tender sensibilities? Get on that shit.

STEP TWO: Only engage if you can win.

You’re not in this to be reasonable. You don’t want an apology, an acknowledgement, a recognition or to present your own case. You want to crush. Make them look like an idiot spewing meaningless vitriol.

Fuck this.

Mom, please stop using the Internet.

Craft your response like poetry. Cynical, funny, poetry. You know full well you’re poking an asshole with a stick, and isn’t that funny, gang, when we’re all in it together? The same jackasses who “Oooooooo” with the heckler will laugh at them—even louder, because you one-upped the guy who thought he was smart. The audience doesn’t actually give a shit about who’s “right,” and they aren’t smart enough to tell the difference anyway. (Individual audience members are plenty smart, but the pack is only as smart as the dumbest and most-easily-offended member.) They will side with whoever is the most entertaining, so be that person.

STEP THREE: Be prepared for even more fallout.

They might have more words in them. They might be smarter, or more obsessive than you. They might look you up online and trash you everywhere else they can.

Then again, you might get an essay out of it.

Yes, some parts of the Internet are elegant, intellectual salons. But most mass-review sites are little more than fanboys squeeing and high-school mean girls using authors as cannon-fodder. Every now and then someone says something worth hearing, if only by accident, but why wade through the pettiness to find it? Get a friend to scan for pull-quotes. Then go buy somebody else’s one-star book.


....


Allison K Williams is a freelance writer and editor based in Dubai. Her previous work has appeared in The Christian Science Monitor, Brevity and the New York Times. She blogs at www.idowords.net and edits at www.unkindeditor.com






 

Book Review - The Lake Effect

Sometimes, you read a piece of literature so moving, so powerful, that your mood is swayed and your thoughts are altered. The world seems a little bigger. History seems a little richer. Your life doesn't seem all that bad, and maybe not as meaningless as you thought.

This is what Lake Effect did for me the first time I read it. Each harrowing tale reaffirmed the importance of just one person, usually a person who felt completely helpless and drowned in sorrow during their living years.

Tackling issues like immigration, feminism and love, Elizabeth Hawksworth jumps in feet first with these short historical works. Many deal with the plight of the Irish immigrants, and the stories span centuries, richly covering an overall historic goldmine through vignettes that will leave you breathless...some will even leave you horrified.

But empowered. Each story, no matter how dark, speaks to the efficacy of human nature, the persistence of the mind and heart over any adversary. And when the characters don't make it, you know that someone did. That time is over, and we can learn from it, we should learn from it.

Hauntingly beautiful, this book of vignettes from Toronto will deepen your appreciation of life, and deepen your life in general. And since the stories are short, it's a perfect read for a mom during naptime, too.

I can't recommend it enough, to be honest.

Go check it out for yourself...

 

Disney Cage Match: Frozen vs. Tangled vs. Brave

Yesterday, on Facebook, I found out just how serious we all are about our modern Disney movies. While the older cartoons get ALL of the free passes, our developing society now requires more social conscience in our films, and we are absolutely right to demand it. In that vein, Disney has come out with several kickass princesses in the past few years. Could they do even better? Sure! Is it nice to take Merida, though, and compare her to Cinderella to pat ourselves on the back about how far we've come? Yes, let's do it. No problems detected.

That said, when you get into the nitty-gritty of which modern movie we all like the best, things can get...ugly. Like really ugly. I mean, sometimes you prefer Tangled and then someone comes along and calls you an abusive parent or says you hate Disney. (JUST KIDDING, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.) But still, tempers really, really flare.

Do Not Mess With The Modern Favorites.

So, let's put these films to the test, shall we? Let's take Frozen, Brave and Tangled, and gauge them component by component to get at the real winner in all this. Preferences are fine and all, but don't we really need to examine which of the three feminist princesses is THE BEST ONE. It's not like we can all get along, right?

The Main Character:

Frozen:

Anna and Elsa: Anna is really the main character, but you could argue that Elsa makes the storyline. Or is Elsa really the main character and Anna is just filler learning a few side lessons while Elsa figures herself out behind closed doors? Either way, they need each other and we need them both. They do it alone, without anyone else.

Brave:

Merida has had enough of your bullshit. She's headstrong, free-spirited and, well, brave. She makes some pretty serious, I'm-a-spoiled-princess mistakes (like feeding her poor mom that damn cake), but it's not like her mom is even trying to understand how awesome she is, so forgiven.


Tangled:

Rapunzel is totally rad. She's utterly optimistic at every turn. She sees the best in absolutely everything. Her friendly and naive demeanor don't really make her nearly as kickass as the other three heroines, but she's willing to give anything a try, and she goes for anything she wants.

WINNER: TANGLED

Okay, okay, REMEMBER these are all my opinions. You make your own winners. I know most of you will pick Anna/Elsa. It's okay. Keep going through. Maybe you'll even agree with me once or twice, who knows!

Anyway, I chose Rapunzel because she's scared but happy, does what she wants but thinks of other people, and saves the prince like the badass she is. She does all these things without doing anything too petulant.


The Mom:

Frozen:

She never even speaks. Come on, Disney. If I were that mom (and I know, I know, I'm not), I probably would have been like, yo, king, dude. Could we go back to the trolls and get some more info on this whole powers thing? I'm not feeling locking my kid up for a decade.

Brave:

She's stubborn, she doesn't listen to what her daughter needs, she projects her problems onto her daughter, she's a traditionalist because she was forced to be so and therefore others should be, too, she's unbending, can't talk to her kid, and frequently gets angry in ways that are not productive.

She's also the raddest motherfucker ever. She learns from her mistakes, and she totally forgives her kid for turning her into a gd bear. Plus, everything she does in that paragraph up there she does out of a deep love. It's just a bit misguided, that's all.

Tangled:

I really find it hard to believe that they searched all over the kingdom and never thought to check that tower, but Flynn Rider just ran from a horse and climbed it, nbd.

WINNER: BRAVE

The Dad:

Frozen:

There is grave disagreement here, and many people feel I'm a cruel-hearted SOB for my opinion, but I think Anna and Elsa's dad is abusive. Full stop. You don't lock your kid up in a room for a decade to "protect her". Sure, do it for a week while you research other things to do, and go in there to constantly reassure her that you're working to help her, but just handing her some thicker gloves every five years, and basically being like, peace out and also never talk to your sister again? Because we love you? Nope.

Brave:

Is this guy the best ever or what? He's just the best ever. I can't even with his happy, constructive, protective demeanor and his obvious love for his family and his life.

Tangled:

Same as mom. You're just going to light lanterns and hope the princess finds her way home? Okay.

WINNER: BRAVE

The Bad Guy:

Frozen:

This is a tough one because Hans isn't really the bad guy so much as he's just an ahole. Elsa isn't the bad guy because Disney changed her tune and made her awesome instead. In Frozen, one of the messages is that the bad guy is fear, the bad guy is ourselves, the bad guy is quick decisions driven by emotion bereft of critical thinking.

That's a pretty important bad guy, guys.


Brave:

Mordu, y'all. Mor-fucking-du. You can't. I can't. I mean. I was pissed when we saw this in theaters, because why didn't anyone tell me about the damn bear fight, omg my toddlers!

Anyway, the awesome thing about Mordu is that he represents what the mother could have become if she gave up on love and family. Instead she fought that off. People need each other, families need each other, and sometimes being right isn't as important as being, well, good. Well done.

Tangled:

I love Mother Gothel. She is the most hilarious abusive pos I've ever laid eyes on. The manipulative games she plays with poor Rapunzel would have made me cry if they weren't so obvious, overdone and meant to make me laugh instead. "Mother Knows Best" is a pretty singable song, tbh, and the narcissistic tones of her badness really underscore the mental damage she is inflicting.

WINNER: FROZEN

(But, damm, that was a tough choice. These bad guys all rock hard.)

The Lovable Sidekick:

Frozen:

Okay, okay, I'm happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but Olaf is the best sidekick of all time.

Everything he says is fucking wonderful. He single-handedly saves Frozen for me. What can I say? I'm a total sucker for childlike optimism in the face of all odds. Plus, I really fucking like warm hugs.

Brave:

Tricky one here. Merida doesn't have a legit sidekick. She rides alone, yo. But her little brothers are damn cute. Other than that cleavage scene, though.

Tangled:

Is there any way to not love a horse with moral fiber of steel and a heart of gold? I think not.

WINNER: FROZEN

Yeah, why?


The Music:

Frozen:

Okay, so Frozen had some MAMMOTH songs. Do You Want to Build a Snowman can plunge me into a depressive state the likes of which I've never previously known, and Let It Go is a power ballad to end all power ballads. It speaks to deep, entrenched issues within people themselves. Tough stuff. In Summer is a cute sidekick song, and even the prince / Anna song is pretty cute. But they're not well spaced, and they don't really work together as a whole ensemble.

Brave:

No music because Pixar does what it wants. So there.

Tangled:

I love the songs and the distribution of songs in Tangled. They're not as deep or nearly as powerful as those in Frozen, but they work for the story, they accentuate each character in good form, and they bring the piece together. Flynn even remarks about the damn silliness of everyone breaking out into song all the time, because seriously wth.

WINNER: TANGLED

I don't like crying the ugly tears down my face, and I love enormous piles of money. Sue me. Yes, I totally know this is the wrong answer. w/e

The Primary Message:

Frozen:

You don't have to shut yourself away just because you are different. Fear is the enemy. You have the power to make a change in your own life

Brave:


Tradition is not always right, love is not always prescribed, you deserve to make your own way and find your own happiness and you are strong enough to do it.

Tangled:

Follow your dreams because the life you know now may not be at all what you think it is. Don't let anyone else hold you back from what you need in life.

WINNER: TANGLED

Another contentious one. I realize this may not be a popular choice.

The Conflict:

Frozen: 

Girl grows up isolated and in fear of herself, shuts herself off to the world, while the other sister tries to break through. Has to learn to treat herself with the kindness and respect she deserves.

Brave:

Girl stands up for herself when confronted with having to get married. Has to learn about compromise and love.

Tangled:

Girl grows up isolated in a freaking tower, has to break free of what has been a "normal" life for her thus far and venture out into a new world to pursue her dream.

WINNER: FROZEN (since I gave the last one to Tangled).

The "Prince":

Frozen:

Honestly? He's nice and everything, but just an outline of a character. Meh.

Brave:

Winning. Don't need no suitor.


Tangled:

I love Flynn Rider, I love everything about him. EVERYTHING. I. Love. Him. He might be one of my favorite Disney characters of all time.

WINNER: TANGLED

I almost want to give this to Brave, because it is so important for girls to know that they do not need a boy to be happy. ACTUALLY, I change my answer. NEW WINNER: BRAVE

In Tangled, though, our runner up, it is important to note that you can't judge someone by their reputation alone, and that trust is very important in life, when given due reason.

This also isn't to discount Kristoff. Of all the Disney men so far, he GETS consent and politeness and feminism. Rad.

The Weapon:

Frozen:

Ice Powers. Um, that is all need be said.

Brave:

Fantastic bow and arrow.


Tangled:

Frying pan.

WINNER: BRAVE

The bow and arrow is something Merida worked hard at her entire life, and more importantly, when it came right down to the fight scene, you saw that even her years of dedication and practice couldn't fell such an evil beast. She needed to come together with her loved ones, and use her wits to conquer.

The Ice Powers and the Frying Pan are both close runners up, though.

Elsa has to learn to use and wield those powers similar to how Merida used the bow, and simply looking at these three, having Ice Powers clearly beats every-freaking-other-thing. But yeah, they're no good if you don't know how to use them.

The frying pan is the opposite of the Ice Powers. Rapunzel has no skills, no powers, has never practiced any form of defense, and yet she uses what is on hand to best her opponent. Not bad.


The Sequence:

Frozen:

Too much emotion at the beginning without enough backstory, too many songs in a row, and after Let It Go there is not much to hold a viewer's interest.

Brave:

Better than Frozen in terms of pacing, but it lags in some places, and sometimes the sad feels are too close to the other feels to make a clean transition.

Tangled:

 Perfect. Good pacing, good layout. Unfortunately, of the three it is the weakest in content. But we're grading sequence here, so that doesn't matter.

WINNER: TANGLED

The Most Important Relationship:

Frozen:

Sister-sister

Brave:

Mother-daughter

Tangled:

Romantic

WINNER: BRAVE

Sorry, guys, I'm just feeling the mom-daughter relationship more than I feel the sister-sister. I think it was much better development, better paced, and more involved. It required fewer assumptions and was explicit in its growth throughout the movie.


The Advisor:

Frozen:

What a jerk, amirite? This guy is truly the reason for all the trouble in this whole movie. You've got time to sing a whole stupid song about fixer uppers, but can't give the KING better advice than 'she's dangerous, but fear is your enemy'? No thanks.




Brave:

Only MILDLY above the troll king in terms of overall douchiness. She's a teenager. Give a girl some direction, eh? At least, though, the Bear Witch tries to help in her way.



Tangled:

He's bland and a bit boring, but aren't all consciences?

WINNER: TANGLED

By default, though. The other two were just horrific.


So, okay, if we tally these up...


Looks like, by my count, we've got five for Brave, five for Tangled, and three for Frozen.

But if you weigh in the overall message girls in particular should take with them going forward, that gives Frozen a few extra points.

LEAVING US WITH A TIE, GUYS, OKAY?

All that work, just to tell you these movies are tied for awesomeness on the point scale.


HOWEVER.

Tangled for life, yo.






 

VERY IMPORTANT REVIEWS

I have the flu. The real flu. Diagnosed with Influenza A yesterday, and I'd been unable to get up from bed two days before that. I had actually been too sick to go get seen. The thought of having to get dressed, or, you know, stand up, brought me to tears. Today is the first day I've been well enough to move around even a little bit.

As such I've been on my feet since 6:30 a.m. and I honestly feel like I'm about to die.

So, why the heck am I blogging?

Because I'm fucking pissed. This day has been a nightmare, and I have some reviews (good and bad) to dish out. And don't think I'm not going to social media these to the people involved, either. I totally will. Don't freaking mess with me when I'm about to pass out from death.


REVIEW 1 - University of Florida: C

I don't know what their official policy is on the flu and I'm too sick to go look it up and argue about it, but I emailed my professor yesterday after my diagnosis, and while she was plenty kind and polite, she gave me a three-day extension on a 25-pg paper that I cannot fathom starting right now. Because words. And reading them. In order. To have meaning. She gave me no extension on today's assignment which I managed to complete before what we will henceforth call HELL AFTERNOON started. Thank God. She also expects me on class on Monday. The doctor told me not to return to life until February 4th. I'll still be contagious. So, yeah.

For threatening the public health, and clearly not understanding what flu means, UF gets a C.

REVIEW 2 - My Kid's School District: A

I brought my kids to school today because they were BEGGING to go. I knew one of them should not have been there (tho in my defense I didn't know she had the flu because she'd been vaxxed for it. Twice.) I told them the minute she started showing signs of illness fatigue or coughed at all, to call me and have her sent home, regardless of the tantrum she would throw about not being with her twin. They called me at 9:27 a.m. and I went and got her.

For following instructions and caring about human health and the spread of disease their district gets an A.

Which brings us to...

REVIEW 3 - FLU VACCINE (nasal spray): B-

I'm so pro-vaccine I cannot bring myself to give this below a B, but seriously, dudes, wtf. My kids got the mist TWICE this year (because it was their first year for the vaccination). I know strains are different and blah blah blah, and my whole family is going to get vaccinated next year even though this happened this year because it's not the vaccine's fault. But it still majorly blows that we got the mini-sick twice in the fall, and still all got the mother-effing flu anyway.

For failing to protect my kids this year, the flu vaccine gets a B-.

REVIEW 4 - Kids Doc Pediatric: D 

I'm really sorry to give this one out because I really, really love the main doctor and his wife and their business. But, guys, enough is too much. I called in the early morning for an appt (righ t after they opened), and got scheduled for 2:15 p.m. I got there on time, paid my copay, and we waited for 45 minutes in the waiting room. What's the big deal, right? Sometimes doctors are busy. Well, the big deal is it was packed  in there, and they don't have a sick waiting room and a well one. Just one waiting room. And I told everyone we had the flu and sat us as far away from people as we could, but kids still kept coming up and trying to touch the twins because they look like the same person and are therefore incredibly interesting to the under 10 set. Also, we ended up right next to a six year old just there for his yearly. I wanted to die of flu-guilt. They didn't even have masks.

When they finally put us in the room, it was another 45 minutes before the doctor saw us. The room had a sticky mess in the middle of it and our sneakers all got stuck. Gross. I mentioned that to the doctor, and she was like, huh. That's weird. Then my kid wanted water. The doctor's office did. not. have. water. They gave her a popsicle instead. She didn't want it. I also had to ask them to retake her temp because the first reading was 95.7. The second reading? 103.6.

On our way out, I reminded them to call in the scripts. They forgot. But I'll come back to that.

For giving countless children the flu, making my daughter wait for 90 minutes with an ear infection, the flu, a respiratory infection, and 104 temp, Kids Doc gets a D.

REVIEW 5 - United Health Care: D+

While I've received great customer service every time I've called them, I'm going to have to call them again because somewhere along the line they decided to start charging copays for well-visits, and not only that, but they back-issued payment for all of last year. So the doctor's office tried to charge me hundreds of dollars and I had to be like lol no. I don't like surprise charges or back charges.

For trying to charge me for old money you weren't collecting at the time, United Health Care gets a D+.


REVIEW 6 - CVS CAREMARK: F

When my husband went to get vaccinated against the flu on Saturday (lol the day before I came down with it), they charged him $30. Flu shots are free. He called and the customer service rep told him it must have been an administering fee. Which it wasn't. He now has to call a bunch of different numbers to get the charge taken off.

When we paid for my tamilflu, we paid $100 deductible first, then the medicine. The next day, when I had to pay for my kids' tamilflu, they tried to charge me the deductible again. Calling customer service got a different person with a different answer each time. Now we have to call various numbers again to get the overcharge rectified. I do not have a million dollars for fake deductibles, Caremark, thanks.

On top of that, all of the CVS stores in town were OUT of tamilflu. Which wouldn't have been so bad, except that those stores weren't cool enough to tell the doctor when she phoned them in and waited for my sick-as-death ass to show up with my glassy, green kids to tell me, LOLSORRY. Not impressed. In fact, I actually cried at the fourth pharmacy to do this to me.

So, for failing every which way and making me hate them forever, CVS Caremark gets an F.

Which brings me to:

REVIEW 7 - Walgreens: A-

After running through my CVS options, I finally ended up at Walgreens, where, at first, no one was at the drive-through window. A man who was clearly off the clock and on his way out must have seen my stricken face, because he put his coat down and started my order for me. After that, a nice young man took over, and before filling all the drugs (which the Walgreens HAD) he told me they'd cost $70 a piece, which really sucked. I asked him why, and asked if it was because we had Caremark, and he smiled sympathetically and said yes. Then he filled our abx which was only $9, and instead of filling the tamilflu, he called every single CVS in the area until he found one that had it in stock. He transferred the order there, and I had my husband pick it up after work, (where he again had issues with Caremark.)

For being decent human beings, having medicine in stock and helping me even though you sold less drugs, Walgreens gets an A-.

Now, during this whole pharmacy debacle, my check-engine light came on and my car started shaking. Which brings me to:

REVIEW 8 - Honda of Gainesville: D+

After charging me $600 for new tires when I went in to check out a rattling noise a month or so ago, the dealership said I wouldn't need oil for another whole year because the oil was full and looked new. I'm too sick to go get the car checked right now, but without that rec, I'd have gotten the oil changed 1000 miles ago, bc that's when the sticker told me to get it changed. I'm willing to bet the $200 that Caremark is never going to give back to me that the problem with the car is the oil. Since I can't be sure, I won't fail them. But still.

For telling me my car was fine, and telling me to ignore maintenance stickers, Honda of Gainesville gets a D+.

And finally, we have:

REVIEW 9 - Grocery Mama: A+

After the day I had yesterday, just to be treated cordially and like a person was enough to inspire eternal gratitude in this small business. When I used it, I thought it was just a regular grocery service, which it is, but it's also way better than that. It's a local, one-family, business, and they are just doing everything right. I hope they have great, great success in everything. Here's what I left on their FB page review section:

Grocery Mama is amazing. I'm dead with the flu right now, and had to use a service for the first time in my life today. Within seconds of receiving my list online, the owner called me, clarified all concerns, and continued pertinent conversation throughout the trip to make sure she got what I wanted. Her understanding and humor was a breath of fresh air after a day of everything gone wrong. After the shopping she had to hand off the reins and called to make sure I was okay with a man dropping the groceries off. At every step, she ensured my comfort. When she couldn't find a brand I wanted she texted to see if another brand would be okay, and when it wasn't, she took time out to ask a store employee where the exact item was. My groceries were here within an hour of me ordering them. AND I FORGOT TO GIVE A TIP. They were so polite, they didn't even stick around in case I would remember. Please come back, Grocery Mama, bc I have all the monies to give you. It is unacceptable that such stellar service go tipless. I recommend that any and everyone use this service. They cater to all the local grocery stores too. I could not have had a better experience, and I was in a BAD MOOD, so that was hard to pull off. They're wonderful.

A+







 

Hey, Jessie. No, Really, Hey!

Dear Disney,

You know those God-awful children's sit-coms you have on in the afternoons to try to compete with Nickelodeon's God-awful children's sit-coms (and Spongebob)? Can you stop?

No, seriously. They're all really freaking bad.

Anyway, the show I have a particular problem with today is Jessie.

Admittedly, at first it seems like your typical sucky show with its cast of quirky, one-lining, not-hilarious-at-all characters, getting themselves into silly, embarrassing and otherwise boring situations. In other words, fairly non-offensive, run-of-the-mill crap. We've now caught bits and pieces of a few episodes (it's meant for tweens, not four year olds, so we're not really watching it anyway), but I'm still totally appalled at this programming, and even if my kids were nine or ten, I still wouldn't want them watching it. It's everything I do not want them to be.

Hey, Jessie is not only thoroughly inane, it's also modelling horrible behavior. Consistently. And in many different avenues.

NUMBER ONE:

The way they treat Nanny Agatha is reprehensible. Now, on Wiki, Nanny Agatha is listed as a character as follows:

"An unattractive, arrogant British nanny who frequently locks horns with Jessie and the Ross children. During their first meeting, she attempts to ban Zuri and Jessie from Central Park. Zuri and Jessie ignore Agatha and keep coming back, so Agatha starts posting mean things saying that Jessie is a bad nanny on her website "Toddler Tattler:. Zuri, Jessie, and Christina stand up to Agatha, and Agatha shuts down her website. Agatha has a twin sister Angela, who is even more dishonest (but much prettier) and tries to steal Jessie's job, but the kids and Jessie stand up to her, and she goes back to England. So far, this is the only time Agatha, who despises the long-favored Angela, was on the same side as Jessie. Officer Petey met Agatha (dressed as a clown) at a fair in the park, and thought she was cute until he learned her mole and snaggle-tooth were not part of her costume."

Given this mediocre Wikipedia description, you can clearly see there are many reasons for the viewer to dislike Agatha. She's mean, she's dishonest, she's constantly trying to trip your hero up just for kicks, she's surly and awful.

But what do you do? You make fun of her looks. Constantly. All those other bad qualities are almost completely ignored vocally, as Jessie ranks on Agatha for her apparent ugliness.

Poor form.

Here are some examples:

Their first meeting -

Jessie: "I'm pretty sure you don't own Central Park."
Zuri: "For her sake, I hope she doesn't own a mirror."
Jessie: "And for the mirror's sake."

Jessie frequently refers to her as "Hagatha."

They also poke fun at overweight people, and sometimes the insults (of which there are dozens per show) have racist undertones.

They'll make fun of anything on that show, seriously. Intellect, looks, socialization skills, love, friendship. And the biggest offender is Jessie herself, the adult nanny. Shameful. It's all she has for jokes. And making fun of people isn't funny.

I'd like it if you would stop trying to teach my kids that laughing at people because they are different or have a weakness. What horrible behavior modelling. And not only are the characters doing it, but the laugh track finds it off-the-hook funny.

NUMBER TWO:

The sex talk and innuendos used are graphic, stupid and objectifying. Jessie should not be talking to her young charges in the manner that she does, referencing her "end zone" and etc. And it should not be funny that Luke (one of the kids who has a crush on Jessie) tapes the nanny sleeping, says things like "Come and find my off button" or gropes her in an elevator.

What in the ever loving...?

Disney, it's like I don't even know you any more.

I'd like to end this with some reviews I found on Common Sense Media from parents with kids who might actually watch this tripe on a regular basis.

- "this show is full of inappropriate innuendo and sexual references by very young kids as well as "Jessie". I don't think 8 or 9 year old girls need to hear their heroine saying "As long as he doesn't touch my end zone"."

- "The show makes me regret relenting on the whining for Disney in my house. For one thing, there is too much sexual innuendo - in one episode "romancing the crone", an older female neighbor is bending over suggestively and mentions something about "the view" to the butler Bertram, who is visibly horrified. Disney really thinks I want my kids to watch this? I won't go into many details because you can watch an ep for 5 minutes to see for yourself. For a show that is aimed at tween girls to contain so much sexism is inexcusable. The main characters are materialistic and shallow. Stereotypes are reinforced constantly (fat, old, or unattractive characters are frequently insulted and made jokes of)."

- "This evening I watched my first and last episode of "Jessie" and think it is inappropriate for all ages of adolescents and teens. The reason given here will be brief and to the point. The two attractive female teens are tall, fashionably dressed, wearing make up, hair attractive, etc while another young teen is short, boring drab outfit, no make up, childlike hair style and wearing glasses to boot. This young teen was subjected to very pointed unkind remarks by others and indicating in one scene that she was not pretty enough to have a boyfriend so might as well get a cat."

- "Bra stuffing is not a topic I'd expose my children to, same with bullying without any consequences, and the sexual references are inappropriate. Tired of the media telling our young teenagers that they need to change their bodies to meet the world's standards. Horrible role models and very negative message for kiddos. Come on, Disney."


And lest you think we're all just making a big deal out of nothing, don't forget you had to take an episode of Jessie off the air after the characters made fun of someone with Celiac's disease.

Keep it classy, Disney.

Sincerely,
A lost customer


 

Literopathy - Prescribing Books

I'm taking part in a great collaborative effort of ingenuity and genius that's called Literopathy. Over at this blog, people write in with problems they are experiencing in everyday life...and we prescribe them books. I have the honor of replying to this letter, sent in by anonymous.



"Hi, I'm smack dab in the middle of my life; a mother, wife and dutiful employee. I have heard the call of my heart, career wise (life wise, spirit wise) but don't know how to move from where I'm at to where I believe I need to be. The call is powerful and potent, but the restrictions are things of my own choosing and things I love and can't give up. Do I heed the call of the universe, and do what I'm supposed to do? If so, how? Or do I tend to practical things only. It seems so late in life to make such changes. What should I read to help me make my future clear?" 

Wouldn't it be nice to have a crystal ball, to just feel sure of where we're going and what we're doing? To have a goal, to know we're meant for great things, that all this humdrum and routine bull**** is actually worth something, actually going somewhere? Aren't we all adventurers in our own special ways?

And when we can't be adventuring, when we really can't make the endless piles of paperwork, red tape, dirty diapers and dishes, or what have you turn magically into creative fodder and ambitious design, don't we deserve to rekindle our lust for that spark. That you-must-do-this spark? Don't we all wish to see our protagonists hurled into a set of coincidences that force them into action, that not only pause their dull lives but alter that course forever?

The books we're about to recommend are not what one might call 'works of literary genius.' They haven't won (too many) prizes, or brought in accolades. In fact, some of them have been criticized a bit, and for good reason. If you're not willing to fly by the seat of your pants, let go of disbelief and truly adventure, these books aren't going to do it for you. But, trust this, they do do it. And that's important. And magical. And when I (the person writing this prescription, not the entire group) read them in my 20s, they completely turned my life around because I was able to grasp onto the inner context of the messages. I was able to turn the inspiration inward to myself. They gave me hope that I, too, could find that kind of hope, adventure, love, strength, definition in my life. If only I could let go of the practical, even just for moments at a time.

The important thing to remember is that to experience a change, you have to be open to it. You have to see it. And we cannot see change if we're knee-deep in laundry wishing the universe would just tell us already what the heck we're doing here. "Be the change you want to see in the world." Someone important said that. I'm sure creator of this site, Anne Theriault, knows who it is. But I don't, so just trust me.

Okay, with all this in mind, mid-life, routinized-to-death anon, here is a book that may convince you that you don't have to give up those daily choices you make to also follow your calling. That you have the ability to do both, if you just put faith in yourself and let life and all its unpredictability in just a little bit.

Here's the blurb on Goodreads (and I share it in its entirety for a reason, stand by.)

"The Celestine Prophecy contains secrets that are currently changing our world. Drawing on ancient wisdom, it tells you how to make connections among the events happening in your own life right now...and lets you see what is going to happen to you in the years to come!

A book that has been passed from hand to hand, from friend to friend, since it first appeared in small bookshops across America, The Celestine Prophecy is a work that has come to light at a time when the world deeply needs to read its words. The story it tells is a gripping one of adventure and discovery, but it is also a guidebook that has the power to crystallize your perceptions of why you are where you are in life...and to direct your steps with a new energy and optimism as you head into tomorrow."

In 2005, a friend of mine, a reporter I knew, handed me this book (along with Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates, which you should also read as it pertains to your interests). It was wrapped with a bow and everything, but it wasn't a present. "You need to read this now, I think," he said. And that was it.

And he was right. 

A reviewer sums it up fairly well: "On first read, I wanted to throw it in the bin. On the second read, I let go of the fact that it was badly written and the characters were bad and all the other flaws. I don't think it was ever intended to be a work of literary wonder but as an accessible vehicle for ideas."

That's what it looks like you're looking for. Ideas. And not Redfield's ideas, but your own ideas. In this way, your reading experience will mimic the actual prescription for you, which is, let go a little bit, let the small stuff slide, don't be so critical (of yourself), and allow others to help you find your way.

Now, if you really, truly hate this book (because a lot of people do! I'm going out on a limb here, recommending it to you), may I suggest as mentioned previously Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins. It's like The Celestine Prophecy only written well and funnier.

"Switters is a contradiction for all seasons: an anarchist who works for the government; a pacifist who carries a gun; a vegetarian who sops up ham gravy; a cyberwhiz who hates computers; a man who, though obsessed with the preservation of innocence, is aching to deflower his high-school-age stepsister (only to become equally enamored of a nun ten years his senior). Yet there is nothing remotely wishy-washy about Switters. He doesn’t merely pack a pistol. He is a pistol. And as we dog Switters’s strangely elevated heels across four continents, in and out of love and danger, discovering in the process the “true” Third Secret of Fatima, we experience Tom Robbins—that fearless storyteller, spiritual renegade, and verbal break dancer—at the top of his game. On one level this is a fast-paced CIA adventure story with comic overtones; on another it’s a serious novel of ideas that brings the Big Picture into unexpected focus; but perhaps more than anything else, Fierce Invalids is a sexy celebration of language and life."

Of course, there is also and always, Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach.

"This is a story for people who follow their hearts and make their own rules...people who get special pleasure out of doing something well, even if only for themselves...people who know there's more to this living than meets the eye: they’ll be right there with Jonathan, flying higher and faster than ever they dreamed."

(Hey, at least I didn't recommend any Deepak Chopra, right?)


 

My Life Map by Kate Marshall - Book Review

My Life Map: A Journal to Help You Shape Your Future by Kate Marshall
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Well, I didn't really like this book, but, you know, it's my own fault.

I'm a pantser. I don't make plans. Why? They always fall through. And the bigger and more detailed the plan, the worse it goes.

I had a big plan once. I was going to be one damn successful broadcast journalist. I was going to produce the hell out of news, in New York, no less.

And I almost made it; I really almost made it.

But here I am.

An accidental twin pregnancy, a layoff, a crumbled economy and a husband later, I find myself here in Gainesville, where they don't even HAVE a news market. (Seriously, we're market 169)

I'm home, taking care of my kids, and slowly, with no plan in place, I've begun to branch out again, taking on odd jobs that turned into regular jobs, writing, blogging, expanding my resume.

I just got into grad school. But I don't have a plan. It's just something to do that will hopefully pay off in the future. That's the only way life works for me.

And I want a plan, I really do. So I was excited to get this book. But with questions like, "where do you see your friendships in ten years?" I mean, I guess I was just a bit disappointed.

My answers got more and more vague.

Basically my life plan is: Keep my family, add some money and success.

That's it.

And I'm not going to project my death date, sorry.

One of the questions asked me to go through my pictures and make a collage with me in the center.

I skipped it.

Because in my currently plan--which is get as much shit done a day as humanly possible--I don't have time for an art project. I already know what is important to me, the question is what am I going to do with it?

And to get to those answers, I'm going to need a lot more probing questions than, "what have you given to service in the past five years?"

If I'm going to make a plan, I'm going to need to be ninjaed into it.

This book didn't do that.

There's a great discussion going on about planning right now at the Blogher Book Club.

**This review is part of the Blogher Bookclub review initiative, but the thoughts expressed are my own.

View all my reviews

Little Mommies - Review and Giveaway!

For some odd reason, little kids want to be adults. I know, I don't get it either! But, they'll play for hours in their make-believe kitchen, pretend to clean, and they love having a little one of their own to take care of.

In fact, just this morning, Dulce said to me, "Mommy, when I grow up, then I'm going to have someone to take care of."

Then she got sad, thinking about how I wouldn't have any more babies when she and her sister grew up. Meanwhile, I was doing mental cheers. Haha, okay, maybe not.

Something that's been nurturing this desire in my kids, though, is the package we got last week from Mattel!

We got two amazing dolls, marking Milestones. Princess and the Potty and Everyday Moments. While one twin is feeding her baby, the other can help her baby go potty afterward.

They loved the little spoon, and I love that when you flip the food plate in the bowl, it becomes a whole other meal.

And the potty. The glorious, makes-its-own-flush-sound and flips-from-clean-to-dirty potty. This was the main attraction!

My kids love the dolls because they're able to actually take care of them in real ways. I love the dolls because they don't come with a ton of tiny pieces for me to lose, vacuum up and clean. Like the cap on the brunette doll? It stays on. It. Stays. On. Oh, how glorious. Thank you, Mattel.

On the whole, we're really enjoying our Little Mommy dolls here! (So much that the potty is currently in Toy Siberia ... ie: the top of the fridge.)

And the great news is, I get to give a set away! That's right! Sign up here to receive both Everyday Moments and Princess and the Potty! Two dolls, one giveaway, hours of fun!




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Review - Brave

I think enough time has passed where I can talk about Brave, right? Spoilers below.

Before I say anything, damn at those red curls. Awesome.

Now, there was some tumblr nonsense about how the Queen was abusive toward Merida, but I think that's total bunk. Someone is projecting, truly.

What I saw was an historical (and very fictional) portrayal of life in a kingdom way back when. Yes, princesses were expected to act in a certain way. And it fell to the mothers to train them. So, when the headstrong teenager refuses to listen, the mother is going to get frustrated trying to explain to the girl in any way possible that there are things that need to be done regardless of personal wants and desires. This is something Merida herself comes to understand with time.

And it's not like Merida is a slave. She's sassy, and she's allowed to explore her own creativity. She's given days just to herself where she can expand her own nature and become her own person. But when it's time for her to be responsible, her mother expects her to pull her weight. No harm, no foul.

And while her stunts are funny to audiences, if my kids went directly against my orders out in public like Merida did, and the whole peace structure of the kingdom depended on them not doing that, well, I'd be pissed, too.

When I first saw the movie, I was pretty ticked at Merida, because what the hell at giving your mom a spell-cake, especially when the two of you are so so close to opening up a dialogue. But, she's only a young teenager. I'd probably have done the same thing.

I will say this, though, the next time I take my kids to a movie, I will check to see if HOLY CRAP GIGANTIC SCARY-ASSED BEAR FIGHT is in the reviews. Because wow. I had two little kids in my lap there. Even I was scared!

I also bawled like a baby at the end. Even though I knew what was coming. Even though I knew there would be a happy ending. There I was, in the packed theater, another mom right next to me, and I'm all crying like whoa. I blame not getting out enough.

The highlight of the movie, for me, was when my kid turned to me and said, "Don't worry mom, I would never turn you into a bear."

Meant the world to me. (Of course, it was all lies. She's 'turned me into a bear' several times since the movie.)

Two thumbs up for Brave from this camp.


___

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The Bissel Steam Cleaner - A Less Than Stellar Review

My carpets are wrecked. The main reason for this being that I have almost four-year-old twins who like markers and playdoh and mess.

 But I had been able to keep up with it for the most part. Until a few weeks ago when my Bissel Steam Cleaner up and stopped working.

Thankfully for me, it still sort of works. It will not disperse its hot soapy water anymore, but it will still suck it up. So, it could be worse.

But did you know that even the Vacuum Repair place won't look at a Bissel? I'm sorry, but why do you say you repair vacuums if you don't? Isn't Bissel a fairly commonplace vacuum cleaner? They wouldn't even look at it for me. At all. Their advice? "Go buy a cleaner that isn't a Bissel. They suck anyway."

Well, first, as my friend Russ says...that's kind of their job. But secondly, whether or not they suck is not my issue. My issue is that I just don't have $300 to throw at a cleaner right now, so can someone please fix my cleaner?

Bissel will. If I pay them. And if I'm going to pay them to fix a crappy cleaner, I'm just going to buy a new one.

But that leaves me in a shady place right now, carpet-wise.

Ever inventive, I've jerry-rigged a half-ass solution.

Let me introduce you to my new steam cleaner.

So, I fill the container that comes with the machine with the appropriate amount of water and soap. Then I transfer the water from the container to this toy watering can (which doesn't sprinkle the way it's supposed to). Then I sprinkle the water on the carpet. I repeat this five times, as quickly as possible, until all the water is on the ground. Then I turn on my useless machine and suck it all up.

It's awful. Too much water gets left on the carpet and the heat factor because nearly nonexistent. But it does work...after a fashion. Just not well.

So, yeah, if you're getting a steam cleaner, don't get a Bissel. And if you do get a Bissel, at least invest in an adult-sized, fully-functioning, watering can.

___

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PhotoBarn Winner!

Putting photos on wood is a great idea, and it works so well for home decor in any room!

I ordered three 5x7s, and the $115 covered that and shipping!

You can also get 8x10s, 16x20s, anything you'd like.

Choose high definition photos for the best results, particularly if you are going large.

You'll love the selection at PhotoBarn.

The question is...what is PAIGE JAGAN going to pick?

Congratulations, Paige, you've won $115 worth of merchandise at PhotoBarn!

PhotoBarn Review and Giveaway!

Have you ever thought about photographs on wood?

I hadn't either.

But today I am more than lucky to be able to review an astounding product from PhotoBarn. My very own family pictures, printed on high-quality wooden pieces. It's very much like pictures on canvas, but more unique-looking and individualized, as the finished product reflects not only your photography, but also the wood on which it's printed.

As you can see, the pieces are fairly thick, and they're solid. You'll notice what looks like streaking on the baby shot. That shows the texture of the wood, and is pretty attractive, in my opinion. The flash, of course, ruins everything.

Anyway, it's so nice to finally have something up in my upper hallway!

 When I get enough funds, I'd like to do a few more, leading all the way down to the corner there!

For now, these look great!

Go on over to PhotoBarn and check out the rest of their selection. You can go much bigger than I did, if you want hanging for your living or bedroom. They've got a lot to choose from.

Or even better, you could win $115 worth of photos on wood by signing up right here!

That's right. PhotoBarn as authorized me to give away a $115 gift certificate to one lucky winner who can spend it on any of their products they choose!

Just leave a comment here, stating where you're following me (if you are a new follower.) If you already follow, please just spread the word! Leave a comment with a link to your tout of this giveaway. You can enter once for every follow, and once for every tout on a different social media.

Next Thursday, I'll pick a winner using randomization software. This is such a huge giveaway, I can't wait!

OH SHOOT. MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESSES, GUYS, OR SOME WAY FOR ME TO CONTACT YOU!


 

Guest Post - Smart Phone vs. Basic Phones: What to Choose

Happy Independence Day for those of you in the U.S. We're off to the beach, and I'm lucky enough to have a guest post by Connection Fly, today.

Many advertisements out there have led us to believe that the top-tier smart phones are always the best choice. I could not disagree more. This is not to say, however, that the iPhone 4S or Samsung Galaxy S III are not fantastic smart phones. Rather, I suggest that these smart phones are only for the savviest users and are not always the best choice as smart phones or cell phones are devices made to suit your needs. Thus, it has to match your lifestyle. Here are some guidelines to determine what phone you should be keeping an eye for.

Apps? Apps are one of the primary reason why smart phones are versatile and one of the primary reasons why you should get one. Before getting a phone, you should consider what particular use are you using it for such as email account synchronization, social network sync, GPS, gaming, shopping and so on. If you do not know what I am talking about and what apps are, then you are better off with a basic cell phone.

User-Friendliness: As weapons become more expensive, they also become more complex. If you are not one for customization and would like something that you can easily use straight out of the box, I suggest getting a basic phone.

Specifications: A reason why the iPhone 4S and other top-tier phones are so expensive is because of the performance that they can give: processing power rivaling that of a desktop's, sophisticated graphics processing unit, and efficient chipsets. Thus, when considering the function, you should also consider the specifications if you are wasting money by getting an overpowered one. If all you need is browsing, texting, and calling, there are a lot of better alternatives than top-tiered phones. Even getting wireless accessories can even accommodate Bluetooth connectivity, MP3 playback, browsing and many more.

If you'd like to learn more about their services, click on their Facebook.