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Friday, November 16, 2012

Why Shit Never Gets Done

Look, being a grown up is really hard, okay? Especially when you fake the most important bits. I don't understand my tax forms, I can't / don't balance a check book, I let my documents expire, and I lose everything. I can't keep receipts or confirmation numbers. I don't find a new doctor when I move places, I don't explore my health insurance options or know anything about them.


It's all a huge pain in the ass.

Now, it's incredibly difficult to be a parent when you're such an obvious twelve year old, yourself. I mean, how long can I go around screaming, "I don't wanna!"

Apparently for a good ten years at a stretch. But then, all the little ass pains...well, they combine into one gigantic ass pain usually under pressure and on a deadline. Not doing things because you don't need to is not a good reason. Because then when you do need to, well, you're shit out of luck and you gave yourself five minutes.


Let me explain. I'll start at the beginning and pile this upon you so heavily you'll be trapped in red tape for days, nay, months. (Or you would be, if you were me.)

I have been accepted to the University of Florida as a graduate student. Awesome, right?! Yeah. Except they want to charge me out-of-state rates. Why? Because I cannot prove that I have lived in Florida for more than two years.

Well, simple. Just provide us your vehicle registration, your license and your voter's registration. They all have to be FL documents of more than a year old, but that should be no problem.

Only it is.

My license is still Connecticut. Because it doesn't expire until 2016. Yes, I know it's against the law, but I only really drive down the street anyway. Plus, maybe we'll be back in CT in 2016, right? We can hope.

My voter's registration is from this year. Because I didn't need to vote until this year. Which means I only have the registration.

Okay, so go get a new license, right? Easy.

Except I need an official birth certificate. Now, if I were an adult, I'd have that readily available. But I don't keep important documents, apparently, and I don't have one. So I have to order one from Connecticut. Awesome. (I also need my Social Security Card (I know I have that somewhere), a billion pieces of mail, my marriage certificate...which I have! WOO HOO! and a bunch of other crap. And money. And people wonder why I didn't do this earlier.)

Don't have your birth certificate? That's okay. Just bring your passport instead. But my passport is expired. Because I haven't traveled out of the country since 2007, and I first got it in 1999. Awesome.

Well, can I just order a new passport? Sure. That will be a billion dollars and 4-6 weeks processing. And the marriage certificate...which, again, I have! WOO HOO!

Okay, so once I order the birth certificate and I bring all that garbage to the DMV, then I can have a new license. Given times and that we're traveling over Thanksgiving, this puts me into December.

Then I can bring the new license and the voter's reg to the school, but it won't be enough because I didn't do this two years ago.

I'll also need a letter from my management company (which I only go through after going through my landlord who is the actual person who deals with the company) on official letterhead, the girls' doctor and school records, utility bills (which aren't in my name, so I'll need, again, the marriage certificate...which I have! WOO HOO!), my husband's vehicle registration, and God knows what else.

And you know what? That still might not be enough. Then my case goes to admission jury where they can just say no.

And then I don't go to school.

Lesson here? Just be an adult. It's easier in the long run. Plus it will teach your children priorities.

Really, it's a pity they don't want things like 'baby's first haircut,' or 'baby's baptism candle' or 'every birthday card you've ever received.'

Those are, apparently, the things I keep around.



  1. Can't you prove you've lived in Florida through your landlord? Surely you signed a contract to live there, and have been paying rent for however long. How long have the girls been in pre-school? You're not going to send your kids to pre-school in a state you don't live in. Any Utility bills from two years ago that are in your name at your address? Odds are lower on that one I realise if you don't know where your social security card is but worth a shot ;-)

    As a fellow document loser and general failure of an adult I can advise that sometimes you have to get these people to think outside the box. It's not like you're trying to hoodwink anyone. It might not work, but doesn't ask doesn't get! Good luck!

  2. LOL at verifying your identity with birthday cards! Wish they would, I can relate!



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