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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

How to Be an Amazing Nursemaid

So, I'll come out and admit it, I am a crappy, crappy nurse. I'm just about as caring and sympathetic as a foot, though I try my darn hardest. Ask my husband. It's one of my (few, I'm sure...haha) weaknesses. You know, along with cooking, and cleaning, and parenting, well, anyway, let's just move on.

I've been observing my intense failure for several sicknesses now, and I've compiled a list to help you avoid completely losing it when your loved ones are sick.

1) Always have medicine in the house. And, no, children's Tylenol does not count. If your kids are sick, chances are your spouse is sick or will get sick, and he'll look to you for common medicines. So, stock up on Nyquil, Robitussin, Dayquil, Excedrin, etc. Bonus points if you do this before anyone is ill. However, I'll still give you a passing grade if you remember to do it by three days into the sickness.

2) Cook bland, easy-to-eat foods. You'd think I'd have this totally covered, right? Well, my ineptitude in the kitchen knows no bounds. My children have decided they hate soup. What does this leave me with? Well, my husband still wants soup when he's sick, so I'm a short order cook as of late (and a shitty one at that.) The kids are basically getting by on sandwiches. Last night, I made my family's sick food when we were kids. Bacon and eggs. Hahahaha. Apparently, not every family is my old family, and bacon is not a sick food. Good to know. I also have ridiculously expensive steaks that I can't use because sick, so if anyone local is reading this and wants some free filet mignon, I will give it to you with tears.

3) As if it's even possible, kids will be even more clingy when they are sick, and you can't just tell them not to touch you, even when they're literally standing on your effing face. I have been grabbed at, groped, and manhandled in all ways these past few days, and I just want to toss them aside and be like, dude, seriously, stop touching me. As my friend Sarah aptly put it, "Why must kids live on our faces?" So, yes, you'll want to open your womb back up and be like, "Climb on back in, it's cool, as long as you leave me alone, Gawd!" But you can't. Suffer silently. It sucks to be sick, and they just love you.

Of course, if you have more than one, you can be assured that they'll find some way to fight about who gets to be closer to mommy at any given moment. Awesome.

And the never-ending chorus of "I'm sick, mama. I'm sick." I know you're sick, sweetheart, I'm sorry you're sick. There is nothing I can do.

And then when they figure out that you're actually not going to make them better, well, you're a bad guy. Get used to it.

4) Tissues and juice. Sick people use a lot of tissues. That empty box isn't nearly as funny to the sick person as it is to you. Also, they don't like being told to use a napkin while you run out for more.

5) Be prepared to be unappreciated. Sick people don't like anyone. My kids have told me such, word for word. "I just don't like anyone." And the two hours you spent cleaning the girls' room will go completely unnoticed as they seethe over the lacking juice and tissues instead. The laundry you did do will go unnoticed because you forgot to do the jammie pants. Also, you need a larger laundry basket and why is everyone such a slob, it's depressing. Sick people have fewer filters.

Head high, crappy nurses. You can do this.


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