No Kids Allowed

It seems like this keeps coming up. First, I posted about separating families on flights, then LZ Granderson popped in with his oh-so-expert opinion on "brats" and their parents, and now a restaurant has banned children under six from dining there.

And I'm still sitting here thinking, can't we all just get along?

Don't get me wrong, I actually have no problem with a restaurant determining that they no longer wish to serve little kids. I won't be eating there, of course, but that's because I have little kids, and they eat where I eat. It wouldn't be out of some battle over principles. Adults deserve their own spaces, too. Just like we parents wouldn't expect to see a group of college kids at the Chuck E. Cheese or a party of bachelorettes at story time on Tuesday morning, adults do not expect to see toddlers running around when they go out for their special snazzy anniversary dinner at the upscale steakhouse in town.

Except I've never seen that happen.

I feel like there's already an unspoken rule that places that serve $30 scallops don't serve children. Am I wrong? I've certainly never experienced a nice adult dinner being interrupted by raucous children. And the upscale places are already leagues above McDain's Restaurant and Golf Center, since they're keeping it classy, allowing their clientele to decide whether or not they should eat at that location. Most people understand their situation and will choose an eatery accordingly. It speaks to the management of such establishments that they can count on their customers to make the correct decision without having to, well, treat them like children and say "no."

In fact, it is not the customers who appear childish in this situation, but owner Mike Vuick, whose decision was fine by me...until he opened his mouth.

"Nothing wrong with babies, but the fact is you can't control their volume," Vuick said. "There may be restaurants that prefer to cater to such things. Not here."

Vuick tries to say his decision is based on noise, to which I reply, don't lie to me. Unless someone is throwing a party for their three year old, or you've lined your walls with toys they can't touch, children don't make any more noise than the people congregating around the bar or the gaggle of guys who walked in to catch the latest sports game.

One of Vuick's customers put it well. "If they're so concerned about noise, what do they plan to do about the loud people at the bar?" Nothing, I would guess, since the problem isn't noise.

If you don't like the vibe of being a family restaurant, that's your business (literally and figuratively) and you are free to do as you choose. No need to couch it in false reasoning.

And the more he talks, the more foolish he looks.

"We've had the ... restaurant for nine [years], and I've noticed in those nine years there are certain parents who can't leave their children at home," Vuick said.

Yes. How about all of us. How about every parent. Leaving the kids home is great. We all love to do it when we get the chance. But four out of five times, you'll find me at the Chilis with my babies. That's kind of how parenting works. Again, we come up against someone who feels that parents think their children walk on gold and should be patted on the head for bad behavior.

Perhaps Mr. Vuick should change his assertion from "kids make too much noise" to "I have this one family who is really giving me grief, and I never really liked kids anyway, so this is a perfect solution." That might be more honest.

Vuick goes on: "You know, their child -- maybe as it should be -- is the center of their universe. But they don't realize it's not the center of the universe."

Looks like he's been reading some LZ Granderson, doesn't it? I almost feel like a chest bump is in order. Also, this is me laughing at "it's." Oh. I see. It does cry sometimes, and it does make trouble, and it is the center of my universe, but as I've said before, I do my best to keep it under control, since regardless of what it is, it certainly isn't an it.

For all of his grandiosity, Vuick may very well have succeeded only in shooting himself in the foot. Because the one thing that stuck out to me in this article was its final paragraph.

"Restaurants cannot ban senior citizens, because they're in a protected class under the law, but there is no law that protects children from being denied service."

I didn't know children weren't a protected class. To be honest, I'd never really given it much thought. But now that I do know, I'm left with the thought that perhaps they should be protected, too. And maybe someone, like my congressperson, should get to work on that. And I'm doubting I'm the only one whose eyes have been opened.

Thank you, Mr. Vuick. If I'm ever in PA, I'll be sure to stop by. Your restaurant sounds like a blast.

Link to news story: http://www.wtae.com/r/28488145/detail.html

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How to Remove your Kids from your Ankles

As I've mentioned before, my kids are clingers. I did this to myself, and I did this to them, unthinkingly, when we moved here. We didn't know anyone, I didn't have a car, blahblah excuses. Regardless, because of my choices, my kids spent an entire year no farther from mommy than about 10 feet at any given time.

I didn't realize what I had done until I went on a job interview a few hours away and left them with a babysitter without warning. That was the biggest mistake ever.

After that experience, things were even worse than before. I felt like I had betrayed my babies, and those babies, in turn, were convinced they would never let me out of their sight again. Ever. For a month afterward I couldn't even bring laundry upstairs or get something out of my car without major meltdowns and insecurity. What if mommy was leaving for hours again? Where is she? Where is mommy? At all times, where is she?

1) Don't leave without telling them.

Kids are small, not stupid. They deserve and will understand an explanation. Like adults, they want to be reassured that you'll be okay. They have the added necessity of having to know that they'll be okay, too. Even if you're able to sneak out without them noticing, all you've done is saved yourself a few minutes of questioning, and at the high price of breaking their trust. I assume most people already know this. I'm highly embarrassed I had to learn it the hard way.

I had to work on rebuilding trust, and if I could somehow get us back to where we were pre-incident, I had to then work on showing the babies that the world doesn't end if I'm gone for a few minutes. They have to trust not only that I'm always around, but also that I'll always come back.

2) Get out of the house.

I made the mistake of getting into the habit of defining getting out of the house as simply that. If I took the kids to the bank, or to the grocery store, or to the post office, I considered that an activity. Wrong. I mean, it is an activity, and it's better than nothing, but it's not a help in socialization as much as going to the park, the pool, the library or any other activity aimed toward kids specifically would be. By allowing your kids to play with other children (and adults) you widen their scope and broaden their definition of the world. This will help them be more comfortable in that world, with or without you.

3) Introduce trusted adults as playmates and caretakers while you're around.

I don't have any friends or family here, so eventually I caved and got myself a (paid, although poorly, since we don't have a lot of money around here) younger sister who comes twice a week for a few hours to "help" with the babies. I started off by playing together with them all during her time here. Slowly, I would branch off and start doing small chores on my own. At first, within seconds I would here, "Mommy? Mooooommmmmmy!" And I would call from wherever I was, telling them what I was doing. They would come and help me. This went on for weeks. One day, I went off to put the laundry away, and they didn't call for me. They finally understood that I was still here, I was just doing chores. Whether it's a family member, a close friend, or a sometimes sitter, introducing children to other trusted adults is an important step to independence.

4) Start small.

That interview had me out of the house for seven hours. After not being out of my sight for a year, it was simply too much to expect from the babies. Even if they had been better acclimated to the world without mommy, seven hours is still a very long time for children unused to going more than a few minutes without a parent in sight.

This past week, I have been brave enough to try some small field trips, and I've had success! Last week, I brought the babies to the mall along with the "little sister." Instead of supervising them all at the playland, which is what I've done in the past, I did some shopping at nearby stores. Unlike the last time, when I merely left for five minutes to grab a coffee and came back to find my kids running amok trying to get me back, this time they accepted that I was shopping for a few minutes and played happily. I was shocked.

Saturday was my birthday, and boosted from my shopping experiment, I called a babysitter. She played with the kids for a while as my husband and I got ready. Then we put them to bed and left, which specific instructions that she call should they freak out in the slightest. No phone call. I texted. They were asleep. They were fine. This was the best sitting experience we've had since they were born.

With an explanation and some physical proof that life doesn't end when mommy leaves the room, I've seen that I can reverse the clinging tendency I've accidentally encouraged in my kids.

All I can say is, thank goodness!

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Moment of the Week - 48: Bedtime fun

First the bath:

Then change for bed.

But before we actually put our shirts on...we need to sing a little song.

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Toddler Tricks - 48: Puddle Jumping

Problem: It's raining. You can't go outside, but if you stay inside with your energetically pent-up children, you may not make it out alive. Something's got to give.

Solution: If it's summer (like it is here) and you live in a climate where rain is warm (like I do), go outside anyway. Make sure there is no thunder or lightning, then get in your swimgear and rainboots, and splash it up. Jumping in puddles is one of the easiest toddler distractions I've found. Even better if it's still raining because it gives them a reason to don their rain hats. This can keep them busy for an hour at least, and the subsequent play in the bath uses another hour. Insta-toddler-cure. Use bathing suits to extend the fun. If a suit gets wet, it won't weigh down and be uncomfortable for the wearer.

Problem: It is thundering and lightning, or the rain is cold, or it's pouring too hard to consider going outside, but your children seem to know you're stuck inside and begin bouncing off the walls.

Solution: Make the rain part of your inside play. We sing the "rain rain go away" song and dance around for a while. We talk about the possibility of rainbows when the storm is over. We watch it from different windows to see the difference of rain on hardtop and rain on grass, rain against screen and rain against glass. Listen for rythyms in the pitter patter and make up dance routines and songs. If you incorporate the rain into your play, it becomes fun even from the inside rather than an inhibitor.


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They'll Tell You

The babies will be three next month. For the past six months, maybe a year, I've received many comments and questions about why I still refer to them as babies. And everyone is right. First the term is fitting and correct. Then it's cute in the "aww, she still thinks of her toddlers as babies" way. Then it simply becomes outplayed.

My kids can walk, they can talk, they can think logically. They eat regular food with forks and spoons. They pull down their pants and use the toilet. They make up games and play independently. Long gone are the days of baby-gates and Gerber food. They're big girls now. They even treat the dog with respect. When is mommy going to catch up?

To be honest, the babies themselves have reinforced my incorrect labelling. Because I refer to them as babies, that is what they assume they are. They have no siblings younger or older to compare themselves to. They'll often come up to be and state, "I a baby, mama. I a baby."

Still, I do want them to know that they are getting bigger and growing up and that this mean they'll soon be able to do things they cannot yet do. The babies have latched onto this concept as there's not much sexier to a three year old than being able to do things he or she can't do.

Now, I'll sometimes get "I'm getting bigger, mommy. I'm almost a giant. I'm almost a mommy." (Because what could be bigger than a mommy?)

Even more endearing is this: "I'm growdin' mama, I'm growdin'."

I try to refer to them as kids or girls now, instead of babies. I've noticed I can do it easily unless I'm referring to them as a unit. "The babies" has become more of a title than anything.

Still, when I fail, the babies have yet to correct me. I'm sure that time will come soon. When they go to preschool, I doubt they'll want to be called babies. The workers will surely tell them they are big girls, and the other children will likely refer to themselves as kids.

So, I'm getting comfortable with the age of "the babies" coming to an end. Since it's not over yet, though, I used the term liberally in this entry. Old habits die hard. And, of course, they are my babies, no matter how big.

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Please consider voting for me here! And if you really love me...Babble is the most important ranking to me, and I'd love you forever.  xxoo

Tales of an Unlikely Mother is on Babble.com. We're number 14, just scroll down and click on the thumbs up!