No Kids Allowed

It seems like this keeps coming up. First, I posted about separating families on flights, then LZ Granderson popped in with his oh-so-expert opinion on "brats" and their parents, and now a restaurant has banned children under six from dining there.

And I'm still sitting here thinking, can't we all just get along?

Don't get me wrong, I actually have no problem with a restaurant determining that they no longer wish to serve little kids. I won't be eating there, of course, but that's because I have little kids, and they eat where I eat. It wouldn't be out of some battle over principles. Adults deserve their own spaces, too. Just like we parents wouldn't expect to see a group of college kids at the Chuck E. Cheese or a party of bachelorettes at story time on Tuesday morning, adults do not expect to see toddlers running around when they go out for their special snazzy anniversary dinner at the upscale steakhouse in town.

Except I've never seen that happen.

I feel like there's already an unspoken rule that places that serve $30 scallops don't serve children. Am I wrong? I've certainly never experienced a nice adult dinner being interrupted by raucous children. And the upscale places are already leagues above McDain's Restaurant and Golf Center, since they're keeping it classy, allowing their clientele to decide whether or not they should eat at that location. Most people understand their situation and will choose an eatery accordingly. It speaks to the management of such establishments that they can count on their customers to make the correct decision without having to, well, treat them like children and say "no."

In fact, it is not the customers who appear childish in this situation, but owner Mike Vuick, whose decision was fine by me...until he opened his mouth.

"Nothing wrong with babies, but the fact is you can't control their volume," Vuick said. "There may be restaurants that prefer to cater to such things. Not here."

Vuick tries to say his decision is based on noise, to which I reply, don't lie to me. Unless someone is throwing a party for their three year old, or you've lined your walls with toys they can't touch, children don't make any more noise than the people congregating around the bar or the gaggle of guys who walked in to catch the latest sports game.

One of Vuick's customers put it well. "If they're so concerned about noise, what do they plan to do about the loud people at the bar?" Nothing, I would guess, since the problem isn't noise.

If you don't like the vibe of being a family restaurant, that's your business (literally and figuratively) and you are free to do as you choose. No need to couch it in false reasoning.

And the more he talks, the more foolish he looks.

"We've had the ... restaurant for nine [years], and I've noticed in those nine years there are certain parents who can't leave their children at home," Vuick said.

Yes. How about all of us. How about every parent. Leaving the kids home is great. We all love to do it when we get the chance. But four out of five times, you'll find me at the Chilis with my babies. That's kind of how parenting works. Again, we come up against someone who feels that parents think their children walk on gold and should be patted on the head for bad behavior.

Perhaps Mr. Vuick should change his assertion from "kids make too much noise" to "I have this one family who is really giving me grief, and I never really liked kids anyway, so this is a perfect solution." That might be more honest.

Vuick goes on: "You know, their child -- maybe as it should be -- is the center of their universe. But they don't realize it's not the center of the universe."

Looks like he's been reading some LZ Granderson, doesn't it? I almost feel like a chest bump is in order. Also, this is me laughing at "it's." Oh. I see. It does cry sometimes, and it does make trouble, and it is the center of my universe, but as I've said before, I do my best to keep it under control, since regardless of what it is, it certainly isn't an it.

For all of his grandiosity, Vuick may very well have succeeded only in shooting himself in the foot. Because the one thing that stuck out to me in this article was its final paragraph.

"Restaurants cannot ban senior citizens, because they're in a protected class under the law, but there is no law that protects children from being denied service."

I didn't know children weren't a protected class. To be honest, I'd never really given it much thought. But now that I do know, I'm left with the thought that perhaps they should be protected, too. And maybe someone, like my congressperson, should get to work on that. And I'm doubting I'm the only one whose eyes have been opened.

Thank you, Mr. Vuick. If I'm ever in PA, I'll be sure to stop by. Your restaurant sounds like a blast.

Link to news story: http://www.wtae.com/r/28488145/detail.html

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Ditch the Kids' Menu

When the babies first started eating real food, we were so excited about the kids' menus at restaurants.  Look at all these shiny options! And they come with a snack and drink? And they're only $4 to $7?  Sign us up!  We'll take the chicken nuggets, no, the hotdogs, no, wait, we'll take the macaroni and cheese.

Our glee slowly faded, though, when we realized that the $7-dollar meal would never be eaten. We would be lucky to get even one no-thank-you bite out of them before the kids either refused to eat altogether or started nomming down on the adult meals, instead.

What a waste of money. And not only that, even if the twins wanted that food and scarfed it down, there's no reason for it. I don't make them special meals at home, why should they get used to fried, fatty, nutritionless food when we're out?

It seems like a lot of effort to chop up a portion of an adult meal for a child, but, really, it's no more effort than chopping up a kids' meal for a child. I've found it's easier to take a bite and give a bite from my own plate than it is to eat myself while continually checking up on the babies to see that they've even taken one half of a bite from their plate.  They like to eat themselves, so I'll usually stack a few bites from my plate onto theirs and let them go at that while I get a few tastes of my own food.

Plus, this way I can be sure they get enough protein, carbs and vegetables.  No matter which way you slice it, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese and a pre-prepared fruit cup is not as good for them as half of whatever I've ordered.  At least that was cooked to order from fresh ingredients, not thrown from the freezer into the deep fryer.

We still ask for a kids' menu at every restaurant we frequent, though. The paper and crayons are worth it!

When it comes to actually ordering, however, we've found that ordering just two adult meals and asking for two little plates is the way to go.  That and two extra chocolate milks, of course.

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Serve Families First

This is going to sound privileged and whiny, but hear me out. Parents with children should be served first.  I know it looks like I'm out for special treatment and think the world owes me because I chose to drag my brood into the restaurant, post office, wherever, but it's not just for my sake.  It's for your sake.  It's for the sake of the other patrons.

Please, don't read me wrong. I don't wish that you ignore your other customers. And if you choose to see to them first, I would never complain, as that's really the way things should be.  But, I'm telling you from experience, if you bend the rules just slightly, your shift will run a lot more smoothly. Three minutes of waiting to the couple to our right is a much shorter time than three minutes to the toddlers I have with me. And that couple will most likely enjoy their meal much more if they don't have toddlers accidentally spilling their milk across the room, or wailing loudly, or singing silly songs at the top of their lungs.  All of these things happen when toddlers are forced to sit in one spot and bored.

So, when we've just been seated, and you're done rolling your eyes at having to serve the family table, (it's okay, I'd roll my eyes, too, but we'll leave you a good tip) and we put our drinks in, really, go and get our drinks.  It will help us distract the babies while you tend to your other, less offensive, patrons. When you come back with those drinks, if you ask to take our order, it will take you mere seconds and save precious and annoying minutes off the other end.

If we're not yet ready to order (and, trust me, we will try very hard to be ready as soon as possible), and you say you'll be back in a minute, try to be back in a minute. Normally, when diners aren't yet ready to order, it gives the waitstaff a reprieve to check on other tables, take a break, find out what's going on in the kitchen, etc. Now, you have every right to do that, should we need another minute, but, again, if you come back quickly, it may save everyone around us a huge headache. There are only so many times we can point out letters on the sugar packets before one of those packets gets torn open, know what I mean?

Now, parents should be able to control their kids, it's true, and you have no responsibility toward them if they can't or don't. We do absolutely suck sometimes. (Sometimes, we're awesome, the kids behave, they're cute, they don't ruin anything or make a mess, and we leave a big tip for your hassle. This is what every parent strives for, I assume.)

The most important time to be quick, though, for everyone, is after the meal is over.  Usually there is a nice, slow, three-step process here, in which a server drops off the check and leaves, the patron puts the money or the card in and waits, the server after taking care of hungry customers on whose tip he or she is still depending, comes back and takes the money.

A slight adjustment here would help parents, servers, and other customers.  When the check is delivered, wait for two seconds longer than normal.  The parent will most likely pull out a card right away because at this point we are dying to leave the restaurant.  There is nothing left with which to distract the kids, no promise of forthcoming goods or fun, and nothing new to show them.  We need to leave, and we need to leaev now. When the parent whips out the card in a flash and gives it to a server, the server would do well to run it right away and give it back.  The sooner the family gets out of the restaurant, the better, for all involved.

I'm not saying parents deserve special treatment. We certainly do not.  However, should you choose to give it to us of your own voilition, things might be better for everyone.  Don't do it for us; we're the jerks who showed up and  ruined your shift.  Do it for you.  You have the power to salvage that shift, yet.

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Toddler Tricks - 28

Ways to Trick your Baby:

Problem: You're out to eat and your children do not want to sit still. They're wriggling and whining and attempting to escape. Surely there are more interesting things in the restaurant that the silverware they can't touch and the sugar packets they got spoken to about ripping open.

Solution: Use booster seats.  With the added fitting walls around them, they'll feel more at ease in their lot.  If the boosters aren't enough (because there's no way to anchor a seat to the chair, and the willful toddler can topple one over in moments), seat them in the restaurant high chairs.  Those have straps and are quite stable.


Ways Your Baby Tricks You:

Problem: You've allowed your children to sit on the big chairs in a restaurant without a booster or a high chair.  They know it can be done.  From this, there is probably no coming back, and no made-for-the-child solution.

Solution: Sit only in booths.  Seat the children on the inside and yourselves on the outside of the booth.  With a built-in mommy or daddy barrier, we've found the temptation to scramble out of the seats to mass disapproval is much less.  Plus, the high backs and structure of booths discourage climbing around to get a beter view.  If the children really need to look around, when they stand up, there's less likelihood they'll fall because there's nothing to topple over.

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Atmospheric Pressure

Taking two babies anywhere is a hassle.  Taking them out to dinner is usually a disaster.  In a restaurant, your attention is divided.  You can only dote upon your children while you're not choosing something to eat from the menu, speaking to the waiter, or accepting and clearing dishes.  God forbid you actually try to eat anything.  The minute your eyes drift to your plate and your lips close around the fork, your kids may or may not be dumping out the salt, sliding off their boosters, tearing open the sugar packets, knocking over your beer, or, worst of all, preparing for a public screamfest.

Even if they're not in the mood to destroy the restaurant, you'll almost never get a relaxing dinner.  Candle light is out, booze is - for some reason - frowned upon, and even if you've made it to the ordering stage with nothing being broken, you've still had to interrupt yourself to pick up dropped crayons just over one million times in the past 15 minutes.

While your experience is hardly ever going to be perfect, there is a trend I've noticed that may help you anticipate and mentally prepare for just how rowdy your kids will be on any particular outing.

In addition to worrying about all the factors that play into behavior anywhere you are, like whether or not somebody is teething, sick, tired or hungry, you might want to take the atmosphere of the restaurant you are visiting into consideration.

When we take our kids to Ruby Tuesday's, for example, they are usually more riled up because they know they are in the mall, and why would we want to do something so boring as feed ourselves when we could be pushing them around in mall cars and taking them to the Playland?  Their behavior improves dramatically if we manage to get a seat away from the mall entrance.  Taking them to a family restaurant results in moderately well-behaved babies, but the excitement and the noise of the place usually sets the tone for our evening.  If it's loud, they will be loud.  If other children are acting up, they will see it and take their cues accordingly.  The saving grace of places such as Red Lobster and The Cheesecake Factory is that raucous behavior from children is something that most diners and waitstaff have come to expect.  Your kids don't have to be on their best behavior there, they just have to be better than the worst behaved.

One of our worst experiences was at a Texas Roadhouse.  The lighting was dim, the music was blaring, the floor was covered in peanut shells and the babies were out of their minds.  Too many new experiences for them, combined with the decibel level in the place made them scared, cranky and more likely to act out, which they did.

One of our best experiences occurred just recently at an Indian restaurant.  The place was clearly not prepared for young children.  They didn't have crayons, or paper, or even booster seats.  They didn't have a distracting television or any music playing.  They didn't sell chocolate milk or juice, and they didn't have plastic cups with straws.  The waiters were distracted with other patrons and did not give us special attention to accommodate the twins.  We mentally steeled ourselves for the worst.

And we were rewarded with the best.  Since the atmosphere of the place was calm, the babies were able to take their time and explore the decor at their leisure, make discoveries and share them with us, calmly.  It was quiet so they could hear us and they listened to us when we told them not to touch a certain object or not to get down from their chair.  They understood that the cups were not their normal cups and that they needed to be extra careful with them.  The food was exotic to them (no chicken nuggets served at this joint), but they delighted in tasting it.  They could handle all of the changes magnamiously because they still felt secure.  They felt secure because the atmosphere around them was soothing.  Without a million different things assaulting their consciousness at every turn and making a power-play for their attention at each moment, they felt comfortable enough to slowly take everything in, one object at a time.  They knew the other things would still be there when they were ready to turn to them.

A baby will always be a baby and will always need special attention during any outing.  But a baby can also reflect the mood of the place in which they find themselves, matching severity to severity and tranquility to tranquility.

All that being said, I don't expect you to be able to take your toddler to a five-star restaurant and have a relaxing experience.  I'm just wondering if maybe everyone would be a little calmer if we took a moment to place some of the blame for outbursts on the places we visit and take some of that blame off ourselves and our children.



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Your Mama

I don't like when people who don't know me call me "mom."  This happens at the grocery store, at the post office, at the park, and even at restaurants.

Most recently, a waitress, who I assume was trying to be empathetic, continuously called me mom throughout our entire meal.

"Here, mom, here are some more napkins." Or "Did you get a chance to eat yet, mom?"

I smiled politely, but there is nothing more annoying to me than someone completely overlooking my identity due to the fact that I birthed a few children.  As if women don't give up enough of themselves everyday to their children alone, we also have to accept that society no longer sees us for the people we are, but for the role we play.

I know this is not solely a mother irritation.  Many people are defined by the task they perform.  However, it's difficult to peg an executive on the street.  If you see someone wearing a nice suit, you don't automatically address that person as Vice President of Such and Such Hospital because you really don't know why they are wearing that suit, and, furthermore, you usually don't care.  A suit, or a hat, or a Subway uniform hardly even register in the public's eye.  Why should motherhood?  Some people take their smart phones with them on their lunch break to cater to the needs of others - nothing is said.  They are regarded as a person eating lunch, not as an employee making calls.  I take my babies with me on my lunch break, and I am regarded as the mother, and sometimes - more often than not - forgotten as the person.

Now, I don't expect my motherhood to be ignored, especially as I drag two toddlers across town - it is what I am, and I am proud to wear my badge - but there is no need to put me on an entirely different level than your other patrons.  There is no need to coddle me, give me a wink and a nod, or relate to me solely in terms of my job.  I don't refer to you as waitress, after all.

So, to the waitress who so well-meaningly tried to converse with me the other week:  First of all, I'm not your mom. And secondly, you're lucky I was up to my elbows in a milky mess trying to shove a jelly sandwich into my babies' mouths while simultaneously picking up all the crayons they were dropping on the floor and collecting all the napkins they were shredding to pieces, or I would have shown you just how flawless I usually am when I go out to dinner.