How to best prepare your babysitter -- Guest post

a baby sitter's dream come true - extra pacis in the utensil drawer!

So, the time has come. It's either your first time leaving your baby with a baby sitter or perhaps it is the first time with a new baby sitter. All of the families I have sat for over the course of my life have either been neighbors, people I worked with at the daycare center where I was a teen, or friends/coworkers of my parents. In that case, you and your child(ren) might be familiar with this person already. Even so, I highly recommend having a "get to know you" night BEFORE the night you're going out. Have your sitter come over, play some games, read some books, watch the bedtime routine, etc. 

Here are a few different categories and scenarios that should be talked about/made known between parent and sitter.

1) How to prepare their bottle. Whether you formula feed or breastfeed, show your sitter how you make the bottles. If you breastfeed, feel comfortable enough to leave frozen milk with the instructions to just hold the baggie of milk under hot water until it begins to thaw and warm up. I've found this is helpful for moms who feed directly from the source and only pump occasionally to have backup for when they do want to go out. The first baby I ever watched who was breastfed was like this - she rarely took bottles so mom rarely pumped. Since breast milk lasts upwards of six months in the freezer, it was easier for her to pump whenever she had time and freeze it rather than worry about having to pump that day. 

If you formula feed, either prepare a few bottles ahead of time to be left in the fridge or show your sitter how to make the formula. With my niece, they used room temperature nursery water mixed with formula so her bottles were made at every feeding as they didn't need to be warmed up. It's also a good idea for your sitter to know formula making instructions on the off chance they need to make a bottle or two should the need arise. 

2) Know what solids to feed. Under six months, babies usually aren't on any kind of solid schedule that a baby sitter would need to know, but if your child is on solids and will need them, jot down a quick set of instructions for your sitter to refer to when the time comes to heat it up!

3) Lovies. These. Are. Huge. If your child has a special blanket or animal-blanket head, make sure your sitter knows how important this is. Lovies will come in handy when baby is over tired or ready for bed or just wants a cuddle. If your baby uses a pacifier, do your best to make sure there are a couple of spare ones lying around. Trust me, I KNOW how hard this is. Especially when you get babies who like to participate in the Pacifier Throwing Olympics. As long as there is one spare paci that your sitter can lay their hand on in a moment of need, you're good. 

4) Bedtime routine. This one is important for a couple of reasons - sometimes, babies (and toddlers) don't want the same routine their parents use from someone who isn't mommy or daddy. I've run into this a few times. Any attempt to put them down the way mom or dad does results in fussing, back arching, arm waving annoyance. In my experience, the parents I sit for have always been lenient about this. With one little one, who didn't have a sitter until she was 7 months old, I used to have to lay on her parents' bed with her and snuggle her up close to me with her pacifier like she was side-lying to nurse (which is what she did with mama in the middle of the night). Her face had to be smushed into my arm or my chest while she sucked on her pacifier while I rocked her back and forth sideways on the bed. If I didn't do it this way, bedtime was a nightmare. Said child is now 3 and as long as I tuck her in tightly and give her lots of face kisses, she'll happily go down. Heck, she even ASKS for bed when she's tired now! However, at seven and eight months old, while dad could happily plop her in her crib with her favorite blanket and pacifier, she never accepted that from me. And I was okay with that, as was mom. 

If you are a proponent of any type of crying it out, understand that this might be unsettling for your sitter. It's not that your sitter doesn't trust you or is questioning your parenting abilities. Trust me. I'm all for parenting the best or most effective way for your child. After all, you know them best. But sometimes, depending on the cry, I physically get anxious listening to a child cry. It's like I'm not sure if this is how they sound for mom and dad and I'm worried that they're crying a different cry and I worry that I'm doing it wrong. In cases like these (and depending on how well I know the parents/how comfortable I am with knowing their boundaries) I'll either sit in the room and rock the crib or I'll sit next to their bed and sing quiet lullabies. I do my best to never take them out of their bed once they are in it if that's not what mom and dad do, but I also know that they might be feeling anxious because mom and dad didn't put them down and I want them to know that everything is okay and they are okay. If your child is older and this is an issue of terrible twos or threes and it's become something of a power struggle, make sure to let your sitter know. For me, personally, when I know this is a boundaries pushing issue on the part of the child, I'm more at ease with listening to them voice their displeasure. Sometimes, depending on their language skill, you hear some pretty hilarious things come out of their mouths!

5) Boundaries within the house. A friend pointed out, when I asked for ideas for this post, that her bedroom is off limits even to her own kids. This is important to know. As referenced back in the bedtime category, a lot of bedtime routines often take place on mom or dad's bed. Whether it's story reading or rocking a baby to sleep, sometimes mom and dad's room offers an extra level of comfort when they're not there. Same with animals. If you have animals that don't like random people in the house and are more comfortable being kept in a room by themselves, make sure to alert your sitter to the fact that the cats are in the bedroom and prefer to stay in there. Also, don't be afraid to add a pet task on to your sitter's list of tasks for an evening! If an animal needs to be fed or watered or let out, your sitter should have no issue with this. Especially if the kids can help and it turns into an activity that kills a few minutes in those "will it ever be time for bed?" moments when kids start to get overtired and cranky. Most parents give their sitters free reign of the kitchen and pantry. However, if there is something you have that is needed for the next night's dinner or lunch the next day, just stick a post it note on it or tell the sitter what it's for. This also helps when little fingers know what's in the green bowl in the fridge and try to get inside of it!

6) Electronics. This one can be tricky, at times. Especially if a child has misbehaved during the week and has lost privileges. If that happens (and you think your child might try and get the sitter to let him or her use the device), it's best to put it away before the sitter arrives. Even if it's something that the sitter might use after the children go to bed (like the Wii or the television remote controls), if it's put away before the sitter arrives, they can play dumb when asked to use said device. Often times, I've had parents text me to let me know where they've hidden things after they've left so the kids don't know that I know where it is. This way, it ends the tantrums of "Please please please? We don't have to tell mommy!". And yes, this has happened more times than I can count. In fact, I remember trying it with my own sitters! Being able to say "Mom put it away before I got here! I don't know where it is!" is a really easy way to diffuse the situation. 

If you have a limit on screen time for your children, make sure your sitter knows. Sometimes, allowances can be made on a Saturday night. During the holidays, I've often brought movies with me (like Charlie Brown, for example) for the kids and I to watch. I also usually bring popcorn and we snuggle on the couch and eat popcorn and watch the movie. But I always check with mom or dad first before I arrive with a treat. 

As an example of a treat, (and I realize that this only applies to sitters who have been with your family for years and love your kids like part of the family), two Christmases ago, I went to Target and got P and C (who were 5 and 3) each a set of Santa forks and spoons, a Christmas themed bowl, and a Christmas cup from the bargain bin. Then I got a blank card and wrote to them as their Elf on the Shelf. I had talked to their mom earlier in the week who had said that they'd been having great behaviors lately so when I arrived with the presents, I told the kids that I had woken up that morning and their Elf had left them presents at my house. Later, while I was changing the baby for bed, I hear P whispering to the Elf, thanking him for her presents and telling him how much she loved him. 

7) Illness & Medication. If your child is sick and needs antibiotics or pain relievers, write down the dosage on a piece of scrap paper for quick review. Also make sure your sitter knows the best way to get your child to take their medicine. From droppers, to spoons, to medicine pacis, to syringes ... each child has their own preference and it'll help your sitter out a lot to know each child's preference. While I never give medicine without permission, either before mom and dad leave or after they leave through text or call, it's good to know where things are in case the need arises. That way, when you're out, you don't have to try and remember where you left the Tylenol the last time somebody needed it. 

Also make sure that your sitter knows where your thermometer is and how to use it. Some, like the ear ones, can be tricky. Chances are your sitter won't need it, but it's a good thing to know and have on hand just in case, especially in the winter months. If you have a child who is teething, give your sitter instructions for medication if you medicate for teething pain. For example if the child is just fussy, a popsicle or a teething toy will more than likely suffice. However, if you have a child who teethes badly and ends up in hysterical tears, chewing on their fists or anything else they can get into their mouth, let your sitter know what parameters you follow for giving Tylenol or Advil. In most cases, I'll text mom and say "T's been crying for the last ten minutes and the teething ring isn't working and she won't take the popsicle. I'm going to give her the Advil." This way, mom is up to speed and she can check back with you in twenty or thirty minutes to make sure the meds have worked and your child is comfortable again. 

8) Communication. With the advent of cell phones, it's easier to keep in contact with your sitter. A quick text message and all is well. As a sitter, I try and remember to text mom or dad and let them know that I'm getting ready to put the kids to bed and my cell phone is downstairs on vibrate so if I don't reply right away, don't worry. Sometimes, though, if bedtime is hectic, I forget to text. If you text your sitter and don't hear back in about ten minutes, double check the time. If you know it's bedtime, you won't worry that you haven't heard back. 

The other thing is phone calls from the kids. For some kids, a quick "good night, mommy, I love you!" is enough for them to go to bed without issue. For others, sometimes a phone call does more harm than good. If you have found that it does more harm than good, make sure to let your sitter know. That way, when a child asks to call, the sitter can pretend to call and then tell the child that mommy or daddy couldn't hear their phone and that you can try calling again in a little bit. Nine times out of ten, they're asleep before they remember we never tried calling again. 

As a sitter who loves the children she sits for, know that I will do everything I can to make sure everyone is healthy and happy. Even if that means walking back and forth across the living room with a fussy four month old for an hour or more (been there, done that. Nick Carter helped me out of that jam!) or laying down in a teeny tiny toddler bed to rub a head or a back until they're calm enough for sleep ... if it's something they need to feel comfortable, and it's within reason, I'll do it for them. I've given nebulizer treatments, rocked sick babies for hours, patted backs and given sips of water, held hair while they've thrown up and cleaned up any sicked up mess ... I'm not mom, but I do everything I can the way I know mom would do it because I want them to enjoy their time with me. I want mom and dad to be able to go out and do things without worrying that the kids are freaking out or have tied the babysitter up. 

Oh. One last bit of advice. This is more for the sitter than the parents - no matter how hard they beg, DO NOT AGREE TO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK! They know their house better than you and their little brains will think of spaces you wouldn't even begin to imagine hiding in. Hide and Seek is a surefire way to give yourself a heart attack when 20 minutes have elapsed and you still can't find the three year old and the five year old is laughing her butt off because she knows where he is, but she's not telling you because it's funnier to watch you scramble around trying to find her brother. Not to mention, nobody wants to break out the butter or Crisco to get little heads and hands and feet out of places they really don't fit.

...

Bridget Frazier is a twenty-something young woman who, over the years, has come to realize that hopes and dreams don't always coincide with reality. Take a journey through what it means to accept what life has given you, to be happy with the blessing bestowed, all while mourning the loss of dreams once passed. Find her at A Sainted Sinner.

Nanny Nook - On Overweight Nannies

My friend, Liz Hawksworth, takes care of the Nanny Nook for me, but she's also a prolific blogger herself over at Elizabeth Hawksworth - Writer. Her musings caught the attention of eNannySource, who interviewed her last month on overweight nannies. Liz has given me permission to reprint that extremely interesting interview here.


eNannySource: Why do you think some nannies struggle with being overweight?

Elizabeth: I believe that many nannies are overweight because there’s a fair amount of people who are overweight in this world. There are studies to show that the food we eat and the lives we lead contribute to obesity, but there are also studies that show that many people are overweight because of genetics and pre-existing conditions.


eNannySource: What do you think are some common misconceptions about overweight nannies?

Elizabeth: I feel that the misconceptions about overweight nannies fall into the misconceptions about fat people everywhere: they’re lazy, they don’t model good eating habits and they won’t be able to keep up with the physical demands of chasing after children. As is proven by the many nannies I know and have had the privilege of talking to, these misconceptions are definitely false. I feel most people who felt they couldn’t stand up to the job of nannying wouldn’t attempt to do it. I also feel that many overweight people do eat good diets and do model “nutritious” eating and behavior. And certainly, if you’re looking after children, you most definitely are not lazy!


eNannySource: Do you think being overweight has prevented you from landing a job?

Elizabeth: I do feel that being overweight has stopped some parents from hiring me, because of the aforementioned misconceptions, and because of some people’s natural prejudice towards fat people. Some parents feel that their nanny represents the family and must look a certain way. Others make snap judgments without giving an overweight nanny a chance. I have definitely seen parents shut down on me when they first meet me in person. I think it’s unfair, which is why I do my best to fight against society’s fatphobia and prejudice by writing about it on my blog and in other places.


eNannySource: What advice do you have for overweight nannies during the job search?

Elizabeth: What’s worked for me is being honest. I don’t agree with disclosing personal medical information, but I’m willing to show parents that I can keep up with the demands of the job by offering a short trial period for free so that they can observe my work. I also make up a sample “nanny day” menu for the children so that they can see that I’m knowledgeable about child nutrition and development. If they make snap judgments about me, I tell myself I wouldn’t have fit in with that family anyway, and that it’s for the best. I refuse to take it personally. I have always found families that respect me as a person and as a nanny. Not everyone will be judgmental.


eNannySource: As a role model to the children, how do you advocate healthy eating?

Elizabeth: Food, to me, has been a subject fraught with stress and worry. Growing up as a thin child and then “filling out” in my teens and early 20s, I used food as a way to combat stress and feel better. This is not something I want the children in my care to do. I make healthy snacks and meals for the children in my care. I let them see me eating fruits and vegetables. We talk about how food provides the building blocks to growing up strong and healthy. I talk to them about finding trusted adults to talk to about their own worries and stress, and I try to be a person that they can speak to. I follow parents’ leads when it comes to food and healthy eating, as well. What’s most important, though, is that I tell kids in my care (of course, with parents’ blessing) that it’s okay to have treats like soda or McDonald’s sometimes. It’s just not healthy to eat those things all the time.


eNannySource: What do you have to say to parents who are concerned about hiring an overweight nanny?

Elizabeth: I’d ask them to give overweight nannies a chance. Ask for a trial period. Watch how they interact with your children and how they advocate healthy eating and habits. Don’t make snap judgments about a nanny’s appearance. Don’t ask for medical records or make cutting remarks about exercising or the food the nanny eats. Be respectful. If you feel it’s not working out, then find someone who will fit better with your family – but don’t assume it won’t work out upon first meeting an overweight nanny. Let her show you who she really is.


eNannySource: What makes you so passionate about this topic?

Elizabeth: I’m passionate about this topic because I’m an overweight woman who has dealt with a lot of fatphobia and prejudice. I’ve also seen how society treats people who are overweight. I want the truth to come out about overweight people – many of them are happy and follow healthy living principles. Many are completely healthy, with no health problems. Fat doesn’t mean they’re lazy, unable to work or addicted to McDonald’s. I feel I can’t stand by and watch this prejudice keep happening. I also apply this to other injustices and prejudices I see in the world. As a writer, my words have the ability to move people. I remember that I have that gift and try to use it for good.


eNannySource: Tell us about your childcare background.

Elizabeth: I’ve been in the childcare business for 17 years and have been a nanny, part-time and full-time, for over 10 years. I currently work part-time with four families in the Toronto area and specialize in the care of infants and toddlers. I love children and count myself lucky that I get to do the things I love, including writing and caring for children, every day.



Catch the original on enannysource.



 

What Parents Might Be Looking for in a Sitter

Now, I can only speak for myself obviously, but I thought it might be helpful to list out some things I'm doing, that I wouldn't have even known I would do in this search for a sitter.

First off, I got a lot of responses. Man, like 50 responses. That's a lot. Especially for a job that starts next week, that's only eight hours a week, and that requires someone look after my angels (hellions, really, right?) And it's not like I'll be able to pay a fortune. Just decently. So, this isn't like, the million-dollar-forever-job opportunity here. And I'm aware of that, I am. I'm not some corporation deducting points for silly things. I'm just a mom, yo.

That being said, here are some things that will cause me to write to someone else, and not you, based on your profile and response to my job.

- Picture.

Now, I know that a person can be a very responsible human being at points, and let loose at other times. I was that person. I understand. Still, with fifty people available to me, if your profile picture shows you half-naked with a beer pong cup in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I'll probably message someone else. Not fair, not fair at all, since I, myself, have pictures of me online exactly as I just described. And probably from when I was the age of most of my applicants. I get it. I just...well, I don't want to see it. If you aren't prepared enough to understand that these sites should have at least moderately respectful profile pictures, then maybe your decision making isn't the clearest right now. I'm sure you are totally awesome and responsible. But you made the wrong choice for me personally.

- Grammar.

I'm a journalist and an editor, but if you make a mistake here or there, miss a clause comma, end with a preposition, I don't care. However, if you message me using text speak on our first encounter, if you refuse to use capitals or any punctuation, I'll probably go with someone else. Why? Because I can, I guess. These things matter a little bit. I want someone who takes a little bit of effort in their daily lives and communication. They're going to have to be very focused to keep my kids in line, so if they can't take the time to use the shift key, they're probably not a good fit.

- Overly religious tones.

We're not a religious family. I know I live in Gainesville, but if you sign off with "Have a Blessed Day," or "Remember, He's Always Watching," I'm not going to contact you. I want to be the one to teach my kids about God, and I realize that a babysitter can be religious and not spread the Good Word (I'm interviewing someone on Sunday who mentioned several religious things in her letter to me. But the letter was professional, and not preachy. She just happened to have most of her experience in that venue. I asked her if she felt it would be an issue that we are not religious. She said no. I'll give her a try.) The thing is, if you can't keep yourself from spreading your faith onto me in a simple introductory email, perhaps it would be hard for you to not introduce God into my kids' lives. Probably by accident. But for me, that's a deal breaker.


Okay, so here's what is swaying me in certain sitters' directions.

- Disclosing of information pertinent to me.

This isn't an ego thing where I think I'm so special you should pick my want ad apart and respond just so. It's more like, I have these twins. They're scare quote spirited. Do you have experience with twins or multiple children in one household? Have you had to break up fights before? Deal with sibling rivalry? This job may involve some pickup from school. Have you driven kids before? Do you know what a five-point harness is? Is your car reliable? What is your pertinent experience? It's great that you've watched your younger brother since you were 12, and taught music at the local Y for four years, but that just doesn't pertain to me.

- Giving exact, precise contact information in a readily attainable way, or skipping the site formality and emailing me directly with the information I've provided.

I'm really busy. I know that doesn't make me special and you're busy, too, but I'm going to more readily contact someone who's up in my face (respectfully, of course), than someone who left a message like this:

"Hi! I'm Terry! I'm a great fit! Message me back!"

I don't have time to go back and forth with you a million times. I set the ad up on Tuesday, and scheduled all my interviews on Wednesday. I need someone by next week. If I only have to call you or email you once directly, you win. I can't bother with the other way right now, I just don't have that kind of time.


Once you get here, there are a few other things I'll take into consideration:

- How you're dressed.

Now, like I said before, I'm not a corporation and this is not a cushy job. I don't expect the babysitters to show up in a suit, or heels or anything. Jeans are fine. But don't come to me obviously off a three-day bender. After you've been working for me for a while, if you want to show up in your pajama pants, I've got no problem with that. But not in the interview, please.

- How you interact with the kids.

This is obviously the most important thing. I want to meet with you in my home so that you get a lay of the land, and my kids get used to you in their space. I want to see how you meet with such tests as "What is your favorite color?" and "Who gets to go first this time?" And trust me, these are tests of the most strenuous variety. Traps everywhere. My kids freaked out no less than five times yesterday during a sitter interview. How you handle that is important to me. If you sit back and observe me handling it a few times, I'm okay with that. I like it. If you think you've got it, well, go for it. I've got your back. But you cannot lose it with them. And it will be hard. They get very loud and talk over each other and present their arguments like the Micro-Machine Man in a court of law. Good luck and Godspeed. These are important things because my kids will throw traps at you constantly. Can you avoid them? And better yet, when you step into one, can you disentangle.

- How well you like the kids.

I can tell. If you don't like my kids, but you still want the job because money and pretty easy and etc., I understand. I won't hire you, but I totally get it. I know if you like my kids or not. Just saying. And they're not for everyone, I understand. Hopefully another family will be a better fit.



 

Finding a Babysitter Isn't As Easy As It Sounds

This found its way to my Facebook feed yesterday, and while the original list is gone, the article goes into enough detail to give you the point.

The gist is, a couple put out an ad for a babysitter, and in the ad, they put 65 questions the applicants should answer.

There are lots of problems with this. First of all, if you are so incredibly picky about who is going to watch over your precious, why are you posting on Craigslist? Drop the $70 and go to Care.com or Sittercity, seriously.

Secondly, I think they just got on a roll and forgot to stop themselves. Now, they're looking for a nanny, which I assume means the person is going to be with their children for much of the day. I'm currently looking for a babysitter for eight hours a week. So it's different, yes. But I would never dream of asking some of these questions. I mean, sometimes you just have to ascertain information from what you've got instead of alienating the whole world.

For instance, after you've asked what drugs the person is on, you do not need to ask their complete drug history for the past twenty years, or give them a hypothetical drug question.

"Do you reward the honest meth head, one year sober, who, in the spirit of full disclosure, did pop a tab of ecstasy in celebration of the great new kids (your kids) he can't wait to learn and laugh with?

Or do you go with the folks who at least had enough sense to lie on your very-easy-to-lie-on Internet survey?"

Now, many are laughing at this, particularly after the couple listed every drug (prescription and street) known to man and asked prospective sitters about them.

But, as heinous as the questions about this come off, what I see is a couple who had a bad experience with drugs either in their own past, or they hired someone they thought was drug-free to watch their kids previously, and the person was not, and now, they're obviously super worried about it.

I don't want someone on drugs watching my kids either.

The hand-washing question is worded entirely wrong. Seriously, what were these people thinking? Here it is, as mocked in the article (for good reason.)

 Choose the following instances when you would wash your hands with soap and water, or clean your hands with a hand sanitizer (No, we're not expecting you to choose them all. Just answer truthfully):

- Before eating

- After eating- Before bedtime- Upon waking- After touching a public door- After going to the bathroom- Before feeding children- After playtime in the park- Before changing diapers- After changing diapers- After cleaning the house- When hands are visually dirty



"How should you answer this?, the article asks. "They say they don't expect you to choose all of them, but don't those all sound like pretty good situations in which to wash your hands, now that they mention it? Is it possible the "don't choose all" warning is a trick to weed out the Unclean? Or will selecting all of those instances make you look like an OCD hand washing enthusiast who will scrub the tender palms of their children until they're raw and red? Maybe the answer is "none of the above" — to boost the kids' immune systems?"

Okay, so my kids have pretty weak immune systems, and I really do hate when they get sick, especially when it could have been prevented. But this looks like something the couple should have told the sitter during a sit-down. Something like, "This is our expectation for hand-washing, because little Johnny is ____ and ____ and precious."

Because it doesn't matter how the sitter feels about hand-washing, or even how often he or she washes his or her hands in her own home. So long as they know your expectations, they should be able to follow the guidelines.

And the GPA and the hygiene. Is high school GPA important for babysitting? No, but it does show your ambition and ability to follow through and reason. Maybe. I wouldn't ask it.

Hygiene? Eh, I think they go so far as to ask how often the sitter bathes. They have no people skills, I swear.

Still, you don't want your sitter showing up smelling like a drunken hobo, either. Where's the line?

A dear friend of mine took issue with the question asking a doctor to sign off on the sitter's general health to ensure he or she was in good health and able to perform "the rigorous job of caring for two children."

My friend thought it was fat-phobic. And I, as well, feel like it's extreme. I wouldn't want to sit for these parents, I mean, they don't even know how to talk to people.

Still, the issue at hand is, "Can you get on the floor and play with my kids at their level?"

I once had an older woman come and meet my children for possible babysitting and she later wrote me saying that she wouldn't be able to play games with the kids because moving around like that hurt her too much. I completely understood and we parted ways amicably. I needed something she couldn't provide. No harm in sussing that out beforehand right?

But a doctor's note? The parents have obvious trust issues.

Still, shouldn't you have trust issues when you're giving your kids to another person whom you do not know to care for?



The main point here is that you're going to be nervous about leaving your kids with someone you don't really know all that well. But you can't suss out whether or not someone is a good fit for your family by posting a million questions in a Craigslist ad. That is the absolute wrong way to do things.

If you want to find a nice, trustworthy, dependable babysitter who is a good match for your family, first, advertise in a reputable place. Then have them over. More than once. Give them an interview, then as many times as a "mother's helper" as you feel you both need. Only through getting to know someone the traditional way will you (especially if you're as high strung as this couple apparently is) feel comfortable leaving your children in his or her care.

It's up to you to make the right choices for your kids. You can start by going about it the right way.


 

The Other Side, Parents vs. Nannies

A great friend of mine is a nanny. Strong and sure, she sometimes gets some flack from the parenting community. Posts like this kind of point toward why. But, you'll see, it's all mostly misunderstanding.


So, on behalf of parents...here's the other side.

1) Her first pet peeve is parents that allow tantrums. She says that she'll give in nine times out of ten and let a kid climb the stairs, but on the tenth time, she's not budging, and she's keeping the baby gate. Then she has to suffer a tantrum. And then when the parents get home, they think it's no big deal because they let the baby climb the stairs, so what the hell?

She says this undermines her and makes her job harder. Now, I can kind of see that, sure.

She says the parents either give her a mean look, or just take the gate down and let junior play on the stairs.

Then she says, thanks. Thanks a lot.

But here's the thing...you see, we're working on gross motor skills right now, and I want her to get all the practice she can while watched over by an adult so that she can perfect the skill, and I don't have to worry about her falling down the stairs much longer. Then we can get rid of that blasted gate that I stub my toe on every morning.

And since we're not co-parents, and you're not sticking around tonight, it's not really undermining you, though I can see how you would think that. It's more me wanting to spend time with my child, and wanting to practice stairs with her.

The ones who give the mean look? Well, they probably want you to practice stairs with the kid and think you are undermining them. But I don't think that's your job.

For parents, it's like, you can't just ignore a crying kid who throws herself into your arms. It's not me giving into a tantrum. I've just gotten home. I'm not thinking you're a horrible person. Babies cry. They want things, and they want them the same. But that's not how the world works, and while the girl learns that, there are going to be some stumbling blocks.

In fact, it's good that we have different methods. It introduces her to variety early. So, I'm not thinking she's a victim, but I am loving up on her, you know, because I love her.

And if you were able to calm her down about the stairs before I got home, that's more kudos to you! She likes and respects you, and you're helping me set adult / child boundaries. Those boundaries just happen to be different for you than for me.

So, in my opinion, I'm not 'giving in to her tantrum,' I'm just listening to her tell me about her day. And I'm thankful you were a part of it.


2) Next up is co-sleeping. Now, I never co-slept, so I'm going to have to step out of character for a moment.

She says that while co-sleeping may make the parents' lives easier, it makes hers harder, and she doesn't mind telling parents it's a problem for her.

Unfortunately, though, parents really aren't up late at night worrying about what personal, family sleeping habits are going to make their babysitter's or nanny's life hard. No. They're up late at night because their kid is screaming his bloody lungs out and finally, you know what, they take him into their bed. Because sleep.

End of story.

And if it's a problem for you, well, that's fine. Tell the parents during the interview, so they can decide if that's a problem for them. And, yeah, I get that it's inconvenient for you and even hard on the kid at first. But you know what? Kids are resilient. They fall into routines. So, hopefully you're not going to be dealing with screaming for a long time...because hopefully he'll learn that you don't want to lie there for an hour. He'll learn that a few minutes is enough. And I think you can give him a few minutes. You know what kids need to transition.

Most people will understand and sympathize with you, and even apologize that their little one won't go down for you. They know what the stakes are. They know what's happened. They still deserve a night off every once in a while, and if it's something you are unwilling to deal with, tell them upfront and save everyone some time. Especially if you are a full-time nanny who will be doing either naps or bedtime on a routine basis. I don't want my kid screaming her head off because you won't lay down with her for a few minutes, and if that's what's happening, you are totally right. We need a new arrangement. But my friend does say she'll deal with it occasionally. Well, that's better than nothing, right?

Again, it reinforces to the kid at an early age that adult / child boundaries can vary. A good lesson to learn.


3) Mama Bear. Oh, Mama Bear. I love Mama Bear...because I've been Mama Bear.

But let's take the "parent chilling on her cellphone or talking to her friends while her one-year-old baby plays across the area and she pays no attention, then comes up and berates a fellow caretaker when a three-year-old child falls on the baby" from the other side.

First, I'm probably a new parent. That huddle you see me in? That's not me getting some juicy gossip about the neighborhood. I couldn't care less. Lord knows, I can hardly speak to adults anymore. I just don't know how. I'm simply trying, and it's hard. No, that's me tensing every single muscle in my body so that I don't get up and walk over to hover directly over my precious at all times. I'm serious. I don't want to be one of those parents. The play area is for the babies, and I'm trying desperately to regain my independent personhood, and let the little one do the same. And it's killing me.

You don't have to do that because the child you're watching isn't your own, so while, you too, deserve a break like me, you probably don't have all these feels you're trying to logically counteract which would put you on the edge. And going along with that, yeah, my reaction is going to be out of proportion, but it's because my brain goes, "Love! Mine! Shit! Fuck! I knew I should have been hovering over there, I am such an asshole! Fuck! My baby! Shit! Is she ruined for life?!" I don't know the answers to these questions. Because I'm first-time parent stupid.

If the same were to happen to you, probably, you would be much more efficient and adept than I am at this. Your brain would go, "Oops! A little accident. Let's brush everyone off and try again."

Oh, how I would wish for that reaction, instead. It's a much more mature, and better, reaction.

So, when I come over and yell at you, and baby my child, and practically cry, it's not rage at you. And I apologize for being an ass. But it's got nothing to do with you at all. It's got to do with me. I'm all confused and scared and befuddled.

Please, give the Mama Bear a little patience. She's judging herself, not you.


As for 4) sick kids, and 5) payment, yeah, I've got nothing.

You shouldn't have to work around sick kids, especially if the parents ninjaed you and you didn't know they were sick. And everyone should get paid well, and on time, for what they do.

I guess some people are just jerks.




 

Guest Post - Finding the Right Babysitter for your Family

Today I am lucky enough to have a guest post on finding the right babysitter for your family...something I might soon be needing!

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There comes a time when you have a function or even a date with your spouse that requires that your little ones stay at home with a babysitter. Leaving your children in someone else’s care isn’t always easy but you can’t avoid it.

Finding the right babysitter is very important not going for your peace of mind but for your children. Here are some tips when it comes to finding the right care taker:

Your needs: Before you start your search to find a sitter, discuss with your family what your needs and wants are with having a babysitter. Discuss the basics like, how long you would need them to watch your child, the cost, and then other important issues like the babysitters age, background and what he/she can provide for your family. Write them out as if you are going to make a job post online; this will help you really focus on the needs and wants.

Where to find: There are plenty of ways you can find a babysitter, but the most effective would be in a
recommendation form or word of mouth. Speak with your friends and neighbors about their babysitter
recommendations. Chances are if your friend loves her babysitter, you will love the sitter too. You can try
neighborhood posts or online websites but be sure that you do a thorough background check before allowing them in your home with your child.

Interview: Once you have picked a babysitter, invite them over when the children are home for an interview. You want to make sure that you ask all the right questions before you introduce the children. Some questions to consider asking:

How long have you been babysitting?
What references do you have?
Are you certified in first aid and CPR?
How do you discipline children?
What kind of activities would you do with the children?
Are comfortable making dinner and snacks when needed?

Trial run: A great way to find out if the babysitter will work well with your family, have a trial run. Pick a Saturday that you need to run an errand or two and stay close to your home. Have the babysitter come over for an hour or two to watch the kids. Talk to the babysitter and feel them out to see how they felt. Then talk to you kids and see how well they responded to the babysitter.

Extra tips: Some babysitters are hard to book on a Saturday night; especially if they are good babysitters so it’s wise always have a second babysitter on standby. As soon as you find out that you need a babysitter, call them immediately.

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Author Byline:

Ken Myers as an Expert Advisor on multiple household help issues to many Organizations and groups, and is a mentor for other “Mom-preneurs” seeking guidance. He is a regular contributor at Go Nannies. You can get in touch with him at k.meyerst20@gmail.com.





 

The Babysitter Blues

My kids used to be clingers. I couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't leave them, ever. When my husband and I would go out (about once every three months) we had to have an elaborate ritual, where the babysitter would come and stay while we were home for about and hour. Then my husband and I would put the girls to bed, by ourselves. Then we'd sneak out like teenagers, and hope we didn't wake them up.

Not much babysitting involved, right?

Thankfully, they've outgrown this stage. Well, it's a combination of getting older, and the fact that we have an amazing weekend babysitter, Rachel.

She is just so excellent. She relates to the girls on a childlike level, playing with them endlessly, her imagination never running out. She redirects effortlessly, and can make up solutions that the girls find viable on the spot. (Last time we came home, the girls told me that she put fairies in their room to keep them safe at night. They were all about it.)

It's at the point where they love her. I mean, really. They love Rachel. They've seen her maybe five times in their whole lives. (We don't get out much.)

Which is great, fantastic, really. It's important to me that I leave the girls with someone they'll have fun with and with someone who can take control if necessary. That's the only reason I can go to the gym twice a week. The girl who comes to sit for me in the afternoons when I go is completely competent and the girls like her. Unfortunately for me, both Brittany and Rachel are leaving after this summer. So I have two problems.

The first is: where am I going to find new babysitters? Silly college students, all graduating and stuff.

The second is: my kids are absolute hellions for days after an evening babysitting session. I am so uncool compared to Rachel. They'll tell me all about myself. I've even gotten, "Mama, I love Rachel, not you."

And their attitudes, don't get me started. All of a sudden, I'm faced with two queen bees, insistent that they are the ones in charge. I don't know why. Maybe because Rachel does such a good job making her world all about them when she comes. Maybe because she's so good at redirection (I'm not particularly good at this one, myself), that they feel like they don't need to hear the word no anymore.

All I know is that the past few times we've had a sitter, I've had to deal with the aftermath for days.

And then they ask for her again!

Tantrum, tantrum, tantrum, cry over something stupid, throw a fit, yell at mommy.

"Hey, can Rachel come over again?"

I'm like, "How about no? You've been acting out since the last time she came over."

Tantrum, cry, gripe, yell, ignore mommy.

"We'll be good, we promise."

Hahahaha. No.

My birthday is coming up, and we'll probably go out again. This time, I'll be paying close attention and warn them beforehand. No attitude after that night.

I'm sure that will work.

Like the slingshot against Goliath, right?





 

How to Remove your Kids from your Ankles

As I've mentioned before, my kids are clingers. I did this to myself, and I did this to them, unthinkingly, when we moved here. We didn't know anyone, I didn't have a car, blahblah excuses. Regardless, because of my choices, my kids spent an entire year no farther from mommy than about 10 feet at any given time.

I didn't realize what I had done until I went on a job interview a few hours away and left them with a babysitter without warning. That was the biggest mistake ever.

After that experience, things were even worse than before. I felt like I had betrayed my babies, and those babies, in turn, were convinced they would never let me out of their sight again. Ever. For a month afterward I couldn't even bring laundry upstairs or get something out of my car without major meltdowns and insecurity. What if mommy was leaving for hours again? Where is she? Where is mommy? At all times, where is she?

1) Don't leave without telling them.

Kids are small, not stupid. They deserve and will understand an explanation. Like adults, they want to be reassured that you'll be okay. They have the added necessity of having to know that they'll be okay, too. Even if you're able to sneak out without them noticing, all you've done is saved yourself a few minutes of questioning, and at the high price of breaking their trust. I assume most people already know this. I'm highly embarrassed I had to learn it the hard way.

I had to work on rebuilding trust, and if I could somehow get us back to where we were pre-incident, I had to then work on showing the babies that the world doesn't end if I'm gone for a few minutes. They have to trust not only that I'm always around, but also that I'll always come back.

2) Get out of the house.

I made the mistake of getting into the habit of defining getting out of the house as simply that. If I took the kids to the bank, or to the grocery store, or to the post office, I considered that an activity. Wrong. I mean, it is an activity, and it's better than nothing, but it's not a help in socialization as much as going to the park, the pool, the library or any other activity aimed toward kids specifically would be. By allowing your kids to play with other children (and adults) you widen their scope and broaden their definition of the world. This will help them be more comfortable in that world, with or without you.

3) Introduce trusted adults as playmates and caretakers while you're around.

I don't have any friends or family here, so eventually I caved and got myself a (paid, although poorly, since we don't have a lot of money around here) younger sister who comes twice a week for a few hours to "help" with the babies. I started off by playing together with them all during her time here. Slowly, I would branch off and start doing small chores on my own. At first, within seconds I would here, "Mommy? Mooooommmmmmy!" And I would call from wherever I was, telling them what I was doing. They would come and help me. This went on for weeks. One day, I went off to put the laundry away, and they didn't call for me. They finally understood that I was still here, I was just doing chores. Whether it's a family member, a close friend, or a sometimes sitter, introducing children to other trusted adults is an important step to independence.

4) Start small.

That interview had me out of the house for seven hours. After not being out of my sight for a year, it was simply too much to expect from the babies. Even if they had been better acclimated to the world without mommy, seven hours is still a very long time for children unused to going more than a few minutes without a parent in sight.

This past week, I have been brave enough to try some small field trips, and I've had success! Last week, I brought the babies to the mall along with the "little sister." Instead of supervising them all at the playland, which is what I've done in the past, I did some shopping at nearby stores. Unlike the last time, when I merely left for five minutes to grab a coffee and came back to find my kids running amok trying to get me back, this time they accepted that I was shopping for a few minutes and played happily. I was shocked.

Saturday was my birthday, and boosted from my shopping experiment, I called a babysitter. She played with the kids for a while as my husband and I got ready. Then we put them to bed and left, which specific instructions that she call should they freak out in the slightest. No phone call. I texted. They were asleep. They were fine. This was the best sitting experience we've had since they were born.

With an explanation and some physical proof that life doesn't end when mommy leaves the room, I've seen that I can reverse the clinging tendency I've accidentally encouraged in my kids.

All I can say is, thank goodness!

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My Child Will Never...

Every time I hear a parent, or a non-parent, say "my child will never...," I shake my head and smile in amusement. Don't you know that saying that will only cause embarrassment in the long run when your precious angel, in fact, does do it? Probably in public? Probably in front of the people you laughed with way back when?  If I've learned one thing through second-hand experience, it's never say never with kids.

The problem with a statement like "my child will never..." is that it implies judgement on those children who would and do. It implies the parents who "allow" such behavior are somehow less than you, since, of course, your child would never.

But not only do you not know what your child would ever do, you also don't know the circumstances surrounding the child that is doing what you assume your child won't. Maybe it is his first time doing it. Maybe it has nothing to do with the parenting or training involved and is simply a reflection of personality, one that cannot yet be expressed in a rational manner because the child is so young.  Maybe the kid is sick, or just saw her dog die, or she's suffering the evils of teething. Maybe that parent that you're distancing yourself from said those same words not six months ago.

I have never said, "my child will never..." out loud. But I have thought it, and it has come back to haunt me. Of all the faults I have as a parent - and they are many - I thought with full confidence that I would never have children so maladjusted to society that they would cling to me and need me present 24 hours of every day. I thought, I will never have children that cannot have fun on their own.  I will never have children the babysitter hates. They love people, fun strangers especially. They socialize daily. They're twins. They have each other for comfort, too.  They don't even really like me, I thought. I'm just the person enforcing rules and making their little lives basically unlivable. They'll love new people, places and things. They're adventurous. I'll never have to worry about separation anxiety, and my kids will never throw fits because I leave the house.

Cue to last week when I left the house for a long period for the first time in a year (yes, unfortunately, it has been that long.)  I typed out a lovely sheet of instructions for our sitter. The babies were excited to see a new friend, and were showing off for her as I readied myself to leave.  I gave her last minute direction as I left the house. "They share the yogurt in the morning, but don't forget to give them oatmeal about a half hour after that."  "They like Sesame St. better than Diego, but you'll probably be playing instead of watching TV, I imagine."

Then, I snuck out. My first mistake. My kids will be three in August. It's no longer out of sight, out of mind with them. They understand everything. In fact, if I could redo one thing about that day, I would redo my exit strategy. I would kneel down in front of them, explain where I was going and when I would be back, and I would handle the tears and frustration as I left, in the hopes that they would not feel abandoned or scared.

Because they felt abandoned and scared.

About 30 minutes into my journey, I checked my cell to see if the babysitter had called. She hadn't, but my husband had...three times.  He told me they had been crying inconsolably since I left and that he'd told them I would bring back chocolate and candy for them, and that I'd gone to the store to get it.

I called the sitter.  Things were bad. Natalina refused to let her touch her. She wouldn't put on her pants, she was on a food strike, she was screaming and banging things around, and finally she'd closed herself in her bedroom.  Dulce was laying by the door in desolation.

"Don't worry," she said, "they'll buck up and get used to it. I'm sure we'll have a great day."

But they never did.  I got home six hours later, chocolate in hand, to a quiet house. The poor babysitter looked wide-eyed and almost feverish. The babies, she said, were finally sleeping. They hadn't gone down until three.  After she left, I cracked the door to see them. Diaperless and pantless, they were asleep on the floor.  They hadn't eaten anything all day. They had refused to play, refused to do anything. They had cried and pitched tantrums from the moment I left at 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. when they nodded off to a discontent sleep.

What have I done to my children?  Of all the ways I have been ruining them, ways that I have been keeping track of merciless to myself, this way blindsided me. I had no idea I'd had it coming. What had I done?

When they woke up, one was happy to see me, prepared to let bygones be bygones. The other was not so easily won. She cried actively at me for the better part of an hour, wouldn't let me touch her at first. She was so angry. So hurt.  Finally, they both calmed down, and we watched some television before going out to feed the ducks.  Everything was hunky-dory again by the time my husband came home from work.

Later in the evening, Dulce held up the now crinkled and food-stained instruction list I'd left for the sitter.

"Oh, no!" she said. "Caitmin, for Caitmin."

"Yes," I replied, "It was for Caitlin, but she didn't get to use it because you cried all day. Why did you cry all day?"

Dulce's eyes widened and her lip quivered. "Dulce cry," she said. "Dulce sad. Miss mama."

I almost died.

My poor kids.

So, I'm looking for ways to rectify the damage I have done. I'm looking into a mother's helper for a few hours a week, to train the babies that other people can do things for them...people who aren't me.  I'm trying to take them out in public more, but not like I have been, you know, grocery shopping and to the bank, etc. No. I'm trying to take them to playdates, and playgrounds, and libraries.  Places where they'll meet other kids and adults for the sake of meeting them, not in passing as mommy grabs the milk from the shelf.

It's hard. I've not managed to do it nearly as often as I first resolved to. But I will continue to try. I am utterly defeated by how dependent I've made my children on me.

My child will never...

Yes, she will.

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