Helping Abuse Victims - Start by Stepping Away from Facebook

This showed up on my Facebook feed a few days ago.

"If you are in a relationship that is abusive towards YOU and you leave or make them leave and then take them back, then you get what you deserve. If you are in a relationship that is abusive towards your CHILD and you leave and then take them back, you DESERVE to be beaten like a dog!!!! Allowing your child to be abused because you are afraid of being alone, makes you a piece of SHIT!!!!!"

...

They were serious, and worse, at least half the comments were of the "YEAH RAH RAH!" variety.

To which I would just like to say, what the hell is wrong with you?

There's just so much to address here. First of all, no one deserves to be beaten like a dog. Dogs don't deserve to be beaten like dogs.

Secondly, let's talk motivation.

Unless you are that woman in that relationship, you really have no idea why she's still there. "Afraid of being alone?" I'd say the only correct part of that reasoning (and even I'm guessing because I'm not that woman) is afraid. People don't stay in abusive relationships because they're in a good place. They don't stay because they enjoy it. They stay because they see no other option or they fear the consequences of leaving. Consequences that could range from being stalked to being killed.

It is not the victim's fault.

If the woman left, and then went back, there's a reason for that, too. A reason you don't know about. Maybe she had no money, no friends (because with friends like you, who needs enemies, right?), no transportation. Maybe no one believed her. Maybe there was no room at the shelter and she had nowhere left to go. Hell, maybe she was fooled. It's possible. It happens. Maybe he told her he loved her and things would change and she believed him. That doesn't make her a piece of shit. It puts her in a place of needing help. Help that you are not giving her by spouting her dirty laundry on a public forum.

In further comments, the original poster claims the woman is there and the child is dying because she "wanted her man more than the baby." There's a comment about women not being able to "get off the dick" long enough to save their children.

How very self-righteous and unfair of you.

Maybe she's pretending everything is fine to you because she knows you'd take your big trap to Facebook and say nasty things about the man she is living with, then he'd find it and go berserk  Women in abusive situations learn to be wary of everything. They learn to keep up appearances no matter what. They think of it as survival.

Let's go out on a very long limb and say you're right. (Which, odds are, you're not.) Let's say the mom is messed up, hates her kid or at the very least doesn't care if he lives or dies so long as she gets "the dick." That sounds so likely, doesn't it?

Well, let's just say that's the case.

You know what won't help that dying child? Screaming about his asshole mom on Facebook to a few hundred of your closest friends. It also doesn't make you look as caring and virtuous as you think it does. Running your fingers off in disgust helps no one in that situation. All it does is give the OP a sense of satisfaction that she would never end up in that situation. She's so much smarter, don't you know?

You know what would help? A call to the services. That is why they are there. If I were the type of person to say things like "so and so deserves to be beaten like a dog," I wouldn't discount the person who sees a child being abused to the point of dying, and standing idly by.

Mom can't or won't make the call herself? Maybe she's afraid she'll never see her baby again? Maybe she's being blackmailed? Maybe she thinks the call will be traced, or he'll somehow find out about it?

You make the call.

You see a child in danger?

You make the call.

And when you do that, you don't tell Facebook about it.

You have a problem with the abusive situation? I don't care how you feel about the mother. I certainly don't need to hear about it. But child services does. If there is a child in danger, you take action. Heck, tell CPS that the mom deserves to be beaten like a dog and is a shit if you must. Watch them laugh at you or shake their damn heads. But at least you did something.

And for the love of God, if you have to yell at your friends on a public Facebook group, please point your CAPS LOCK RAGE at the abuser from now on, not the victim.

Here are some resources for those needing help:

Women's Shelters

National Domestic Violence Helpline

Information for friends of abuse victims

Child Protective Services

We can make lives better instead of worse. We can use the time we would have been judging on the internet to look up help for our friends, to lend them an ear, to call those who can be of service.



 

Image and Politics

~All the TV channels say Mitt Romney won the debate.~

As Americans, we are so obsessed with image and likability that we refuse to open our minds to facts, numbers, models, scales, or anything that could possibly help our nation.

This is a problem that has been perpetuated since I was a little girl. American history, the course we have to take eight billion semesters of, all we hear about is how great we are. But we're not. I mean, we are, but we're not flawless. These problems we have...they're not little. I don't know if Americans think they're stupid, or what, but start giving them figures and they tune out.

Don't count yourself out, Americans! You can understand this! You can grasp it. Have confidence.

But no, these days, if a gaffe-ridden politician can show up to a podium and not say something like, "I don't know why windows on planes don't open," he wins a debate.

Americans are proud of eschewing facts. They think it speaks to their character and judge of character if they "go with their gut."

It does, but not in the way we think it does. Obama is criticized for being the "celebrity President" but when he comes out muted with facts and projections to support his plans, no one pays attention.

Because Mitt Romney is doing his best impression of a bulldozer. Unfortunately for Romney, even with his repeatedly vague assertions, the fact checkers came through. For those still watching.

Something one of the PBS commentators kept saying is that Mittens won because he looked happier to be there.

Well, yeah.

He's got a shot at the presidency! Woot! I'd be psyched, too. Obama has to defend his right to be there. Not as exciting.

Plus, did anyone think that maybe Obama was peeved to be there because he had to spend his 20th anniversary talking to a Republican millionaire?

And talk about image, poor Jim Lehrer. Yeah, he had a hard time, but can anyone expect him to meekly shut the candidates up right after his job and livelihood has been threatened? You take Big Bird, you take Jim Lehrer. I'd be nervous, too.

Image means so much to us. Too much. And it frames everything we think about. So much so that when someone bucks the image train, everyone jumps behind them in a show of solidarity. They are so impressed with themselves about how image doesn't matter to them that they have to shout really loudly about it.

Just so you know, that doesn't count. Those people are just as obsessed with image as everyone else. The louder you talk about how awesome you are for embracing the little guy, be it the bus driver bullied or the new anchor who just broke all boundaries and kicked butt defending herself and her weight, it's still about image.

I don't know how we can move away from this. I just thought I'd point it out.

Anyway, for those of you interested in some specifics, here's a link to the plans brought up in the debate. (You'll have to click farther than the blog itself. The plans are in the links.)

Washington Post

Here's a distribution table, showing exactly where people fall and what should be defined as middle class.

(Spoiler, you're probably not rich.)

For those of you who don't really want to go through all that, let me bring you to my side the American way:

So, yeah, I'm an Obama supporter. Maybe I'll tell you why in the upcoming weeks. But it has nothing to do with gifs and macros and everything to do with policy and personal experience.

Whomever you want to be your next President...please vote. (Unless you're in PA. Free pass.)




 

The Dark Ages of Twindom

Some problems are exacerbated with twins.

I'm sure some twins are expertly behaved at all times, and some singletons have many more issues than my twins, but I'm saying that some issues exist purely in the realm of twindom.

I'm going to list our more frequent issues (some of these happen in any sibling relationship, noted.)

- The Quiet Instigator: As twins, they know what really ticks the other one off. And as four year olds, they know how to use that information to their ultimate advantage. I can't count the number of times one has gotten slightly upset about something, maturely gotten over it, only to have the other walk by and quiet as can be ask a question about the original problem in such a way that the first just bursts into tears. Thanks, kid.


- The RAGEBEAST: Another result of instigation is ragebeast. And then, well, who do you punish? The little twerp who poked at her sister on purpose because she gets some kind of enjoyment out of her sister's pain? Or the out-of-control kicker and/or biter who couldn't take a good-natured ribbing and flipped her shit?

I just don't know, people. I just don't know. I'll punish both for $800, Alex.


- The Interrupter: Sometimes it takes my girls a little while to think about and spit out what they are thinking. If one senses the other one having trouble, she'll interrupt in one of two ways.

First, positively. She'll try to help the first twin find the words she was looking for. She'll ask, did you mean such and such? This usually results in screaming as the first twin really wanted to come up with it by herself.

Second, negatively. The other twin will begin singing nonsensically and loudly, just because she can, or even worse, she'll start talking to me, too, with complete command of the language, frustrating the first to tears and rage.


- The Punishment Sabotageur: When one twin is doing something worthy of punishment, and you then put them in time out, take away a toy or a privilege, or keep them home from something fun, the other one flips out at the unfair treatment of the first, throwing herself between your punishment and your punishee. If one of them has been good enough to go rollerskating, for example, and the other has been hell on wheels and so clearly doesn't need the skates, the first one will not do anything that the first cannot do. So that both must face the consequences. If you want them to follow you, and one of them is, if the other one doesn't, the first will stop, or pull on your arm, screaming like a lunatic, Don't leave my sister, don't leave her, mom, mooooooom, stop, please, stop! Like you'd abandon the misbehaving twin. It's a total killjoy for the 'just walk away from them' parenting technique. Also, it makes you look like a crazy person who's obviously torturing your children. Thanks, kids.


- The Big Dealer: When you have two of the exact same age, they have trouble prioritizing. Everything is a big deal. Now, when it's one child who thinks light blue instead of dark blue socks is a bigger deal than getting to preschool on time, you can usually reason with him. If you have two, the one being nuts has back up and thinks she's totally in the right. And I'm the kind of parent who will. not. get. you. the. dark. blue. socks. because. that's. fucking. crazy.

So, we're late a lot. But I'm not giving into ridiculous demands if I can help it. I already live in a world of topsy turvy ridiculousness without giving in on the damn socks.






 

Guest Post - Five Great Outdoor Ideas

Today I am lucky enough to have a guest post detailing how to make your own outdoor experiences educational and unique from Allison Moody.

____


One of the problems parents today have to deal with is how to motivate their children to spend
more time in creative activities, as opposed to playing computer games and spending too much
time inside.

Good thing about schools is that teachers stimulate the children’s creativity with different
activities and take them to picnics so kids can learn about and enjoy nature. But how to
entertain children on weekends and during vacations, so they wouldn’t just stare at their
computer screens?

Not all craft-making, fun activities have to be confined to the classroom. Here are some ideas
how your kid can enjoy the wonders of the outside world.

Awake the Dreamer

1) Making a collage is a great way to show creativity. It could be made out of anything your
child finds outside. You could suggest a theme and see how your child expresses it through
collage.

2) Interest your child in setting up an easel in front of a forest, lily-covered lake or a field of
colorful flowers. Prepare a few anecdotes about famous painters to show your child how
reputable painters are.

Awake the Adventurer

3) Challenge your child to make a basketball hoop and pole, a football goal, a rag or paper doll,
a car, or anything he or she would like to play with. Supply your child with necessary material
and help him/her make a more interesting toy than what you would buy in a store.

4) Suggest to your child to play a game outside with friends. It could be some sort of “It’s a
Knockout“ game, where children would divide into two groups, have different tasks (climbing
a tree, making an original craft, catching a butterfly, eating an apple dangling from someone’s
hand) and whichever group finishes the tasks first, wins.

Awake the Money Maker

5) Not only grown-ups feel good when they make money. Children can be more proud of their
well earned 5 bucks, than a grown-up who earns a month’s salary. Find a convenient place to
set up a table and let your child sell lemonade to thirsty passers-by.

Once children spend time on making something by themselves, they will be proud of
their “baby“and will learn the value of creating something unique. Hopefully, their satisfaction
with the result will at least be equal to (if not greater than) the fun they have when playing
video games.



Author bio: Allison Moody is the happiest aunt in the world; she spends her time playing with her nieces, cooking, dancing, and reading. Her work currently consists of promoting her online application, Labeley – it’s a free tool for designing all kinds of labels (mostly beverage labels).



 

Recipe Monday - Easy Chicken Strips With a Kick

These are an easy, kid-friendly, fun meal for when you're not feeling particularly creative.

Ingredients
2 cups panko bread crumbs
1/4 cup chopped fresh dill
8 small chicken cutlets (1½ pounds total), cut into wide strips (I didn't cut them)
kosher salt and black pepper
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 large egg, beaten
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 Kirby cucumbers, cut into spears (I used pickles)
1/2 cup ranch dressing (I used Parmesan)

Directions

In a shallow bowl, combine the bread crumbs and dill. Season the chicken with ½ teaspoon salt and ¼ teaspoon pepper. Coat the chicken with flour. Dip in the egg (letting any excess drip off). Then coat with the bread crumb mixture, pressing gently to help it adhere. Heat the oil in a skillet over medium-high heat. Cook the chicken in batches until golden brown and cooked through, about 2 minutes per side. Serve with the cucumber spears and ranch dressing.