The Framing of Rape Culture

As we push for change in the way society views women and in particular the rape of women, we have to look inside ourselves, we have to dig deeper. We are the problem. For with every perceived outrage comes those who persist in their old-fashioned and wrong ideals as to what is right and wrong, and what action is appropriate at what time. Everyone fights each specific issue from within their given framework. It is this framework that can be the most dangerous of all.

Really, what we need to do is simplify. Get rid of the conditions, the conditions we don't even know we have. One by one they are being debunked and thrown out, but the process is slow, long and tedious. Finally, finally some of us have gotten to the point where, "she was dressed like she wanted it" no longer counts as a defense against rape. How long did that take?

And children. You would think children are safe from the judgement. You would think victimized children would never be able to be blamed. But did you know, apparently, this golden rule ends when the child becomes an adult? When the victimized child becomes a woman in her own right, she needs to just get over it. It happened a long time ago. The perpetrators are deceased or already convicted. Sorry it happened, sweetheart, but don't stand up for yourself. You've done so well cowering in the corner until now.

Yes, apparently there is a statute of limitations in the human brain. Disgusting.

Last month, I had a Facebook conversation about the girl who was raped by her teachers. It was around the time when the school system, in its legal defense, said "she was herself responsible. Carelessness and negligence on her part proximately contributed to the happenings of the incident."

A 12 year old was responsible for her own rape by her teachers.

Which wouldn't have been the case if the girl had been showing up for school naked and begging her teachers for sex during study hall, and certainly wasn't the case as the girl went to another teacher after the first incident, and that teacher, instead of being the "trusted adult" fable we're led to believe in as children, raped her too. Awesome. By which I mean, totally disgusting.

As this story made the rounds on Facebook, one gentleman expressed outrage that the girl's picture was being used and that she was being identified. He was on the "good guys" side, guy. He's against child exposure like that. (Now, this man deleted his comments, but he made them in a public forum, so I will paste some of his words here and there, and not use his name.)

Anyway, I popped in explaining briefly that the woman most likely gave permission for the photos to be used as she was now thirty and the case was 18 years old.

"Hmmm," was the response I received.

Because apparently rape 18 years ago doesn't count any more.

The man took vast issue with the suit being a civil one for damages. A "money grab" he called it. To which I say, give her all the money. All of it.

Yes, one of the teachers killed himself (after six other girls came forward), and one was convicted and is currently in prison.

Because the teachers are 'taken care of' the woman should shut up and be a good girl about it?

I don't think so. The school is responsible for not listening to her, for denying her help when she needed it, and for allowing this to go on, not to mention covering it up for as long as possible. Here are a few direct quotes from the Facebook debate.

First, the man defends himself admirably against being a victim blamer.

"I do not think that 12 year old girls should be held responsible for being raped, nor do I think that it is a good defense to claim otherwise. I'm still cynical in that I think that this sort of thing is still being used to fuel a lawsuit and settlement against the deepest pockets available - which happens to be a school district."

There are times to cry out against the abuse of school systems and their lack of money. After they've covered up rape is not one of those times.

My friend does a good job explaining this here:

"Except that the school was complicit in the cover up which makes them also responsible. Also, I don't think it's anybody's place to try to parse how exactly a sexual abuse victim deals with their trauma, be it civil or criminal litigation or both."

And I come around, too, because I like to talk.

"When someone is 12, they're not really going to be able to jump into a lawsuit right then, imo. They're probably trying to pass the eighth grade. Then there's high school, where they get to process how very much their own fault their rape was (oh, but wait, it was still going on...that hampers processing.) Then there's college, where they probably break down a lot or deal with coping mechanisms their childhood selves put in place, which may not be the healthiest. They certainly don't feel they can truthfully tell people what happened. I mean, they were there, in prime "tell a trusted adult mode" and look where that got them. (If you read the actual article, you'll see that the girl told her gym teacher that her science teacher was assaulting her...so her gym teacher, wait for it, ALSO STARTED ASSAULTING HER.) No, I think 30 is a good age. The perfect age to file a lawsuit against these dicks and any other dicks involved in being dicks at the time. I'm 30 now. I'm just barely adult enough to handle it. I say give her a break. She's not a money-grubbing asshole. She's a rape victim. Hmm."

Then he does a quick switch, asserting that it's not only the woman who's out for the money, but the media inciting outrage to get her even a bigger payout.

"I just think that valid outrage is deployed as a tactic for litigation too often. I hate it when I see good intentions abused for personal gain, especially against schools, which are already vulnerable. I believe in holding responsible people responsible - and my initial outrage was at the assumption that someone had outed a rape victim and used a photo."

Oh.

Wait, wait, I've got this.

"If the school system didn't want people outraged they needed to word their defense differently. Have they learned nothing from the Catholic Church? You cannot say a 12 year old's actions were responsible for her rape. Not when the rape happens, not 18 years later."

But, guys, what about the schools?!



"If not getting prosecuted as an individual isn't motivation enough, why would increased insurance rates for school districts and the defunding of programs be?"

He goes on:

"Because public education in California - and I mean K-12 - is fucking broken. For more reasons that just litigation, definitely - but I want criminal activity to be treated as such."

My friend replies:

"Well maybe forking over a few mil will make them think twice about not taking shit seriously next time. And I hope that chick uses it to buy her own private island."

And me:

"You don't get to say, "Honey, the bad guys went away! Therefore, you should be all better! Good girl. Now run along and be mentally healthy." If the school didn't want to be sued, now they know for next time that when someone says HEY! BEING ABUSED OVER HERE! They should pay attention. The first time."


Anyway, it goes on and on, and not to disappoint, the man does, in fact, compare this case to Nazis somehow eventually. So the internet won all around.

But the point is, with adults thinking like this, and speaking as such, perhaps having a conversation about the rights of a woman to press a civil litigation against a school system 18 years after one of its teachers raped her repeatedly, the kids don't quite understand it. The kids begin to form their own framework of rape and what's right and wrong about it.

The problem is, there is no right. None. You cannot rape people, you cannot cover up sexual assault and you cannot, as a school system, a lawyer or anyone, blame a woman (or a man) for her or his rape.

End.

By treating a case like this as if it is not important, as if someone is whining or trying to get some money out of the deal for hoo-hahs, we express to our kids that this isn't a real thing. We fail to show them the gravity of the situation. They get snippets like this from us, they hear the headlines on the news, and then this happens:

At this link, you'll find a 12-minute video of high school boys in Steubenville laughing and joking about raping a girl deader than Trayvon Martin. You don't need to see it. The description says enough.

I assume they can do this because it's not real to them. We, as a society, have not made the ramifications, the effects, of such heinous acts real. It's a funny fiction. It doesn't count. They're not real people. It's just the news. Pictures the kids see. But it is real. Very real. And it's up to us to educate our children about it. It's up to us to decimate the framing around rape.

And we can't do that by arguing about lack of funding for school systems when the topic is the cover up of a rape of a student by the school's teachers.

Rape is wrong. Period.



 

Helping Abuse Victims - Start by Stepping Away from Facebook

This showed up on my Facebook feed a few days ago.

"If you are in a relationship that is abusive towards YOU and you leave or make them leave and then take them back, then you get what you deserve. If you are in a relationship that is abusive towards your CHILD and you leave and then take them back, you DESERVE to be beaten like a dog!!!! Allowing your child to be abused because you are afraid of being alone, makes you a piece of SHIT!!!!!"

...

They were serious, and worse, at least half the comments were of the "YEAH RAH RAH!" variety.

To which I would just like to say, what the hell is wrong with you?

There's just so much to address here. First of all, no one deserves to be beaten like a dog. Dogs don't deserve to be beaten like dogs.

Secondly, let's talk motivation.

Unless you are that woman in that relationship, you really have no idea why she's still there. "Afraid of being alone?" I'd say the only correct part of that reasoning (and even I'm guessing because I'm not that woman) is afraid. People don't stay in abusive relationships because they're in a good place. They don't stay because they enjoy it. They stay because they see no other option or they fear the consequences of leaving. Consequences that could range from being stalked to being killed.

It is not the victim's fault.

If the woman left, and then went back, there's a reason for that, too. A reason you don't know about. Maybe she had no money, no friends (because with friends like you, who needs enemies, right?), no transportation. Maybe no one believed her. Maybe there was no room at the shelter and she had nowhere left to go. Hell, maybe she was fooled. It's possible. It happens. Maybe he told her he loved her and things would change and she believed him. That doesn't make her a piece of shit. It puts her in a place of needing help. Help that you are not giving her by spouting her dirty laundry on a public forum.

In further comments, the original poster claims the woman is there and the child is dying because she "wanted her man more than the baby." There's a comment about women not being able to "get off the dick" long enough to save their children.

How very self-righteous and unfair of you.

Maybe she's pretending everything is fine to you because she knows you'd take your big trap to Facebook and say nasty things about the man she is living with, then he'd find it and go berserk  Women in abusive situations learn to be wary of everything. They learn to keep up appearances no matter what. They think of it as survival.

Let's go out on a very long limb and say you're right. (Which, odds are, you're not.) Let's say the mom is messed up, hates her kid or at the very least doesn't care if he lives or dies so long as she gets "the dick." That sounds so likely, doesn't it?

Well, let's just say that's the case.

You know what won't help that dying child? Screaming about his asshole mom on Facebook to a few hundred of your closest friends. It also doesn't make you look as caring and virtuous as you think it does. Running your fingers off in disgust helps no one in that situation. All it does is give the OP a sense of satisfaction that she would never end up in that situation. She's so much smarter, don't you know?

You know what would help? A call to the services. That is why they are there. If I were the type of person to say things like "so and so deserves to be beaten like a dog," I wouldn't discount the person who sees a child being abused to the point of dying, and standing idly by.

Mom can't or won't make the call herself? Maybe she's afraid she'll never see her baby again? Maybe she's being blackmailed? Maybe she thinks the call will be traced, or he'll somehow find out about it?

You make the call.

You see a child in danger?

You make the call.

And when you do that, you don't tell Facebook about it.

You have a problem with the abusive situation? I don't care how you feel about the mother. I certainly don't need to hear about it. But child services does. If there is a child in danger, you take action. Heck, tell CPS that the mom deserves to be beaten like a dog and is a shit if you must. Watch them laugh at you or shake their damn heads. But at least you did something.

And for the love of God, if you have to yell at your friends on a public Facebook group, please point your CAPS LOCK RAGE at the abuser from now on, not the victim.

Here are some resources for those needing help:

Women's Shelters

National Domestic Violence Helpline

Information for friends of abuse victims

Child Protective Services

We can make lives better instead of worse. We can use the time we would have been judging on the internet to look up help for our friends, to lend them an ear, to call those who can be of service.



 

Women Stay

Women stay.  Not all women, of course, there are some who break away, who take off despite the risks, who take the first step in liberating themselves from a violent situation and bettering their lives.  But the fact remains that too many (even one is too many, but we're talking thousands, millions, of women) stay in abusive relationships.

Many see no alternative, or the alternative they do see seems even worse than where they are.  Those who have children are in an even more precarious position.  They fear for their children's wellbeing, both while they remain in their relationship and even moreso should they choose to leave.

When you are a parent, your decisions directly affect your children.  For me, that means dealing with excess whining as we board a plane home for the Christmas holiday.  For others, it means being painted into a corner with no way out.

How will a woman with no car, no income, no friends or family, and no shelter be able to provide for her children out on her own?  How will that woman be able to survive in hiding, should her partner choose to look for her, find her, bring her back?  Will her children bear part of 'her punishment' for leaving?  How will she be able to feed them, clothe them, care for them if she's on the run?

It's easy to type this from my warm living room on my laptop as my babies sleep.  When I'm done with this piece, I'll start dinner in the crock pot.  I'll set up our Christmas tree.

Easier still would be for me to simply write: make the call.  Call a shelter, an ambulance, the police, your mother.  Call someone.  Act.  Get out.  This message, while best intended, is completely lacking in empathy.  Women in violent situations cannot just make a call.  Something that seems innocuous - simple - to someone like me, can be a matter of life or death to a woman surrounded by such volatility.

For all I know, that woman's phone is tapped or her computer is keylogged.  Even reading this post could set off a chain reaction of abuse.  And that's assuming she even has access to a phone or a computer.  One doesn't need to be locked in the basement to be held prisoner.

Remember that.  If you are in a violent situation, and you think that it's not bad enough to attempt to get out, if you worry that the consequences of your attempt will make life worse for you and your kids, remember: one doesn't need to be locked in the basement to be held prisoner.

Abuse is rarely as concrete as basement walls.  It permeates.  If you are being abused, it sullies every pocket of every safe space you think you might have in your mind.  Do you think you are good?  Do you think you are good enough?  Do you think he is right?  Do you think you deserve better?  These are the important questions.

More important still:  Do you think your children deserve better?  Because they are worth that shot in the dark.  You are worth that shot in the dark.

And maybe it's not so dark after all.  Of course, that is my entitlement speaking.  It is that dark.  But it is still worth it.  This essay is worthless.  It is rhetoric, it is lip service.  Pretty words on a page do not dial phones.

What we need to do in the face of violence against women is act, not speak.  Speaking is useful only in its capacity to bring about action.  The readers here don't have to donate money, they don't have to hold signs in rallies to promote awareness, they don't have to change their Facebook pictures.  They simply have to think.  If each of us thinks hard enough, I bet we'll each come up with at least one person we know, personally, who is suffering some kind of abuse. We cannot sit idly by and callously tell them to call the people.  We must show them that it can be done.  We must personally illuminate the path for them.  Not for all of them - that is daunting, that is impossible.  For that one person we know.  For her kids.  We must act, not speak.  We must be there for her.  We must help her emerge from the trap of her own esteem and thinking.

One hand outstretched in the darkness is worth a million words on this computer screen.  Call your friend.  Stop by for a visit.  Help her.  She needs you.



(This post is in participation with the One Wee Voice Violence Against Women Campaign.  Please visit Life - Inspired by the Wee Man for more information and links on this issue.)