Reasons Moms Might Not Talk to Each Other

Here's how it sometimes feels to be a mom, and why we can't seem to call on our support group of other moms when we most need to.

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- Everyone else's kids seem perfect. They're so good, quiet, smart, well-behaved. Often your tales of having to drag your spawn out of the grocery store while they screamed bloody murder are met with blank stares.

- Since your kids are only kids, you are betting you are the problem. That's embarrassing.

- There's a possibility your kids might be the problem. And that's a problem.

- Sometimes, other moms will commiserate, but their stories never end up with them locked in the bathroom crying and begging for mercy.

- In this way, those moms are even harder to talk to because they actually deal with the same bullshit you do, and they can hold it together and lovingly nurture their babes, instead of dialing the circus over and over again as they rock back in forth in their bathroom full of tears.

- In the back of your mind, you're sure this is actually a normal, everyday problem and you're just being dramatic. You don't want people to think you think you're special or a mommy martyr or anything.

- In the other back of your mind, you fear this is actually not even close to normal, that no one has to deal with this issue like you do. And you don't want people to know you accidentally gave birth to a sociopath.

- You're the mom, you should know what to do. When you don't know what to do, it should be for cute things, like, which cloth diaper covers are the best for baby skin. If you don't know what to do with your own damn child, you fail. Goodbye.

- You don't want people to know you did the wrong thing. Again.


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I don't really have anything to say about this list I've made. I'm just throwing out ideas as to why moms might not feel like they can use their supportive friends and family sometimes.

Oh, I would like to say that all of those things are wrong and hogwash, obviously. But that doesn't negate the fact that they can exist as thought-patterns in the brain of a frustrated, overworked mother.



 

Homeschooling Is Not Anti-Social - Guest Post

Today, Tracey from Inside the Mommyvan has a post about something that scares the crap out of me. Homeschooling.

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Anyone who has homeschooled, or has even discussed homeschooling with others, has undoubtedly heard the socialization question. It is #2 on the hilarious—and accurate!—Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List:

Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of both concepts.

I've heard several variations on this theme: an acquaintance who allowed that homeschooling was OK, except that it's too easy for the kids to be abused and no one to notice (if you require an explanation of the absurdity of this thought, please let me know); the generally well-meaning-but-ignorant queries that seem to all start from the (erroneous) belief that I'm trying to shelter my children from the evils of the world through homeschooling; the ones who believe that the only path for a child to learn social skills is in a grade-school classroom setting.

Recently a new type popped up out of nowhere. It's not the Socialization Question, it's the Socialization Compliment. Just in the past few months I've been praised, once embarrassingly effusively, for nothing more than taking my children out of the house for the purpose of participating in extra-curricular activities. I suppose I could be thankful that I'm not being grilled about the particulars of our every social interaction, but at least those people stop after I give them a reasonable and straightforward answer. I've got those stashed away in a special corner of my brain, you see, right next to the Answers to Twin Questions I've been practicing since the birth of my elder two. I feel as though perhaps I'm contributing to the homeschool community, in some small way, by taking the time to politely but firmly educate the masses on one of the most misunderstood areas of non-traditional education.

The Socialization Compliments, though, just keep coming, and any response at all is awkward. "It's so nice that they have friends who go to regular school!" Really? Are your kids' only friends the kids at the adjacent desks in school? "That's so great," another says, "That you let them go to scouts/dance lessons/summer camp!" Really? Isn't this part of that whole parenting thing? I haven't heard of one other parent at the Wednesday children's program at our church earning any words of praise whatsoever for dropping their kids off for a couple of hours of free activities once a week. More important is the erroneous, and frankly, quite insulting assumption that any of this is an effort worthy of a Mother of the Year nomination. You know, for a homeschooler, as if a run-of-the-mill homeschooler would, by default, keep their kids locked in the cellar 16 hours a day. To attempt to correct that notion makes me come across as an ungrateful jerk, but to quietly accept their praise seems to verify it in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.

Let me tell you a little about the reality of socialization for homeschoolers. There are a few families who do, in fact, wish to shield their young children from the world's ills for a while longer. I really can't fault them for that desire. How it will affect their children remains to be seen, but I knew just as many kids growing up in a traditional school setting who were expected straight home after school, who weren't allowed to visit friends' houses, and so on. In addition, homeschooling used to exist on much shakier legal ground than it does today, so many of the past stereotypes may well have been driven more by a desire to stay under the radar than from willfully keeping their children away from social activities.

Anyway, back to how it really happens for my children, which is remarkably similar to most other homeschooled kids we know. First off, understand that the term homeschooling does not even imply that all of our educational activities take place at home, much less our social interactions. My kids attend co-op classes, including plenty of time in the lunchroom and on the playground, one day a week. We generally have a fun activity or field trip of some kind planned with friends—homeschooled or not—on another day each week. We currently attend dance lessons, children's program at church, scout meetings, church, and Sunday school, all weekly. Only a fraction of this time is spent primarily with kids their own age; the rest of the time they play, converse, and interact with everyone from infants to senior citizens. They also accompany me shopping and going about our regular household business, plus occasionally to doctors' appointments, choir rehearsals, community organization meetings, and other places where we meet people and make friends the same way most adults do, by introducing ourselves and making conversation with people we find interesting or who share common interests. My children do this comfortably and naturally, much less hesitant than many of their traditionally-schooled peers to speak to an adult to whom they've just been introduced.

They also show kindness and compassion to children younger than they are, but don't let themselves get pushed around by bigger kids. Bullying is extremely rare in the homeschool groups we attend, and is generally rapidly dealt with by the kids themselves or a nearby parent, but we've run into a few at other activities. Oddly, it's been the worst at the activities populated mostly by those paragons of socialization, kids who spend their days in traditional classrooms. My son learned a couple of weeks ago, thanks to a group of these kids, how to gang up and harass the girls on the playground. Fortunately I observe enough of their interactions up-close that I could nip it in the bud. Maybe not permanently, but it's stopped for now, and my son has a very clear idea of why it is undesirable behavior. How well are those anti-bullying programs working at traditional schools? How many of those boys' parents, I wonder, had any idea that their kids were instigating this sort of behavior?

I'm not here to bash traditional schools, nor to promote homeschooling as the one true way (all I know is that it's working for our family so far, but that could change next week). I will point out that sitting at a desk next to some randomly-chosen other kids within 12 months' age of each other for 6-8 hours a day (with maybe 30-60 minutes of lunch + recess, for those schools that still have it, where kids are mostly unsupervised as long as they don't actually throw the food) is most certainly not an ideal environment for teaching, or learning, social skills. And I will ask that you consider, before you open your mouth to (or about) a homeschooler, that we're probably doing everything within our power to set our kids up for happiness and success as adult human beings in the real world where we live every day.




 

Inviting Twins -- Etiquette

With the advent of my kids making friends, comes the individuality of one of them being better friends with one person, while the other is better friends with another.

So what happens if your kid only likes one of mine?

We had a close call yesterday, and before that I had been asked a question about twin invitations, so I thought I'd toss my two cents in, today.

Yesterday, Dulce went to pieces thinking her friend had invited her sister to a party, but not her. The girl would not calm down. I had to hold her for a long time.

Fortunately, it was just a drawing...her friend had been using an irrelevant invitation as scrap paper.

But it's not like this isn't going to come up, and soon. So I'd better batten down the hatches.

Here is what I would say, given my twins intense relationship to one another (more intense perhaps than most twins, as I think many others can separate without dramatically melting into a puddle at this point.)

1) If you are throwing a party, where lots of kids are going, and your child only wants to invite one twin, please, do not invite us. I would so much rather make up some lie to my kids about why we couldn't go or why we weren't invited than have to deal with

A) explaining to one twin why she can't go even though she's invited so that she'll blame her sister (although, to be real, this wouldn't be an issue for us. One twin will not go without the other.)

B) Having both go only to have one ignored because she wasn't really wanted.

C) Trying to separate them in a situation where one gets to go do a fun thing because she's liked more. Yes, I could arrange a super fun playdate for the other one, but firstly, they both would then want to go to both, and secondly, dude, it's not the same.

Okay, so, parties. Either invite them both because you like them, or pass. We're cool with that.


2) If your little darling is besties with only one of my children, and cannot open her heart to inviting them both over to play, please, please ask me first. I don't think it's weird, and I don't think it's mean. People, no matter how small, have friendships and preferences, and I get that my kids aren't a package-deal for everyone (just me...I'm so lucky). If I somehow think I can figure out a way to swing a one-on-one outing, I'll let you know. If I can't, I will be super nice to you, and understanding, but politely decline.

If you come to me first, before having your kid tell only one of my kids, I have some semblance of control over the issue and the outcome is a lot more likely (read .5 percent over 0 percent, at this point in time) to come to fruition. If you leave it to the kids, not only will one of my kids not be able to go, but I will have to deal with hours, and hours, and hours, AND HOURS of cleanup.

The other one simply will not understand. Not yet. We're working on this. I hope to report back to you in a year with entirely different rules, or better yet, no rules at all.

Unfortunately, we're not at that point yet. My four year olds have a sense of competition and justice that rivals the Fantastic Four. They will fight to the death if something is just a hair off, convinced that the other one has it better, is better, is more loved.

I don't know why. Like I said, we work on this every day.

For now, it works best for us if you invite both kids and if you come to me first. It's not a must. It's not an order. Just a request. From one mom suffering from first friendships to another.



 

Mom's-eye View of Friendship

So, I waited a full month of best friendship before writing that post on the two little girls who had picked my girls as friends.

And of course, not a day after I post it do they start shaking things up.

First, Lilly came home and told me that A had been running, and Lilly had gotten tired. So she switched with Dulce. She went and sat with N while Dulce ran with A.

All well and good. Except they didn't tell their friends.

And I had wondered why N had called Lilly by the wrong name at the end of the day.

So, I had a brief chat with them about how you can't just go switching places and not telling people. You could hurt someone's feelings. (I have no idea if this is true, but the behavior seemed odd to me, so I put on my mom pants and just told them not to do it. Like I do with all things I don't understand. Because I'm awesome. And by awesome, I mean totally afraid and confused by the nature of twins.)

I mean, do they think they're interchangeable on a deep level?

So, the next day, they decided they'd had so much fun with the other one's friend, that they'd just switch for realsies. And this time they told the other girls.

Now, I only get one side of this, but it appears everyone is mostly okay with that.

Only then A started getting more attention than N. And N is fading into the background, even though I can see at pickup that she doesn't want to.

And I'm feeling more sad about that than I should. Which is actually what this entry is about.

They are their own people, they can make their own friends and choose to hang out with whomever they want for whatever amount of time, so why do I have so many feels about this?

I'm keeping my trap shut. It's not my job to encourage either of the twins to continue to hang out with N on the playscape if that's not what they're into, but damn if I don't want to. And what about K and K? The girls have decided those other girls are their 'outside of school' friends. Does that hurt their feelings? Probably not; they're four. But I worry. I mean, my grownup feelings would maybe be hurt, I don't even know.

And now they're talking about J and A2. They say that J and A2 are now their bffs, and N and A are not.

And I'm all, "LISTEN, YOU CAN GO AROUND TOSSING FRIENDSHIP ASIDE LIKE THAT. YOU'RE HURTFUL!"

Only I don't say that and they're not hurtful. They're four and they've got a lot of friends. I'm super happy about that. They're not bullying or being bullied, and gosh darn it, people like them.

I'm just treading water here as waves of juvenile friendship that I never expected and don't know what to do with hit me.

I'm just over here minding my nevermind. I'll let it out here instead of telling them about how I feel about their friendship because it's not my business and I don't even know anything anyway.

I was not prepared for this.

This whole friends outside of the family thing.

Time to man up and get over it all. On the inside as well as the outside.

Good job, girlies. I'm proud of you for being nice and likable and having friends and liking people.

And that's that.





 

First Friendships as a Twin

My twins do everything together. They've never been apart. They prefer to be together always, and like I've said before, I'm just convincing them that they don't have to compete over all the specifics and that they can (gasp) like or want different things at the same time.

Any friendships they've had thus far, they've made as a unit. Lilly and Dulce make a friend. As LillyandDulce. It's all they know.

The only friendship they've nourished as separate people has been the friendship they have with each other. And let's face it, that friendship is weird.

As twins, they are always together. They do everything together. They play every game together. They make every move together. They discuss every decision together. They eat together, sleep together, watch movies together, do any activity together.

To them, that is what friendship means. Friendship means together. And it means together all the time.

At school, for the first time, they've been able to pick their friends...as separate people. Of course, the friends kind of picked them, since they would have been content just to be with each other all day, but miracle of miracles, one little girl picked each of the girls to be her best bud.

And the girls took to that like wildfire. Now Lilly talks about her friend A when she comes home, and Dulce talks about her friend N. I've seen it happen, too. They get to school and they go off with their separate friend.

Of course, those friends didn't really know what they were getting themselves into.

Because right now (and I'm sure this will get better as the girls get a better grasp on how to actually socially relate to people), the girls are treating their friends like their "school twin."

You can imagine Dulce's shock and amazement when N wanted to play with someone else for a while.

"Mommy," she said on the car ride home, "Today I was playing with N, but then she wanted to go do something else with R, and she didn't want me to come."

"Oh, well, what did you do?"

The answer was matter of fact. No hurt feelings. No "that moment when" awkwardness.

"I followed her."

I felt a parental twinge then. I didn't want my girls to go around annoying their friends because their friends didn't want to stick to them like glue. There are 20 kids in the class. Sometimes the friends will want to play with someone else. And sometimes the girls could use that time to find even more friends.

I tried to explain that to them.

They nodded and said okay.

I don't think that this is going to be an issue as they grow, but I found this in-between stage really interesting. Right now, they're still stuck on their one new friend. I'm curious to see how it will all turn out.



 

Do Kids Affect Kids?

I felt like an historical southern lady yesterday. We had visitors in the morning, then a nap, then visitors in the afternoon.  I didn't serve any tea though.

The twins and I ran into one of our neighbors around 10:30 a.m. She has a little girl just two months older than the twins, who wanted to come and play.  Only, she didn't.  She played with the babies' toys, but she didn't play with the babies.  I chalk this up to kids being still too young to really interact positively with each other.  My kids play with each other constantly, giving me the false sense that they are socialized. But, in reality, it takes them some time to warm up to strange children.  Still, with guidance from me, they were open to sharing with their new friend and tried to engage her here and there.

Still, it was two against one.  I completely understand the little girl's shyness.  Her mother and I talked quietly about our lives. The girl usually goes to daycare, but the mom was off that day and kept her home.  The babies were sitting on my lap at that point, watching the girl play with their puzzles over the arm of the chair.  They were fascinated because she was actually trying to put the puzzles back together - something they haven't yet thought about.

All of a sudden, the girl looked up at my kids and said loudly, "Get out of my face!"

Shocked silence.

I felt bad for the mom, who scrambled to have her daughter apologize (which she didn't).  It's hard for me to gauge what's appropriate and what's not appropriate, since the twins hardly ever have playdates (something I'm trying to remedy).  The mom was so embarrassed, but she shouldn't have been.  Little kids are little kids. They pick up sayings in random places, and they're still trying to place where they can say certain things and express certain emotions.  It was more than clear that the girl was good natured, she was just shy and protective of the toys she was playing with.

That being said, I hope I don't hear "get out of my face!" from either of the twins in the near future.  Do kids pick up behaviors and language from other kids?  I know the answer is yes, but do they do it after only one time?

It's hard to walk into a home with ready-made playmates and feel comfortable.  My twins have unspoken rules to games they made up a year ago. When another child doesn't understand the rules or how to take turns in a way the twins deem acceptable, they get upset.  For instance, while Natalina knows that the orange ball is Dulce's, and Dulce knows that the yellow ball is Natalina's, a stranger isn't going to know that or understand why she can't touch the orange or yellow ball but touching the purple ball is fine.

All in all, I think it was a really good experience, and I hope to do it again.  For those of you that manage playdates on the regular, how do you socialize the kids effectively?  I find the twins do much better with my friend's child, a boy a few months younger than them.  He came over in the afternoon, and they all colored and played with blocks as a happy three-baby unit.  They also got some good tickling!

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