When Kids Can't Connect the Dots

One of my children has the unfortunate habit of screaming like a banshee when something has offended her, or her sister has teased her, or anything has angered or annoyed her in any way. The other one has the unfortunate habit of trying out different forms of insult humor, then throwing a tantrum when no one finds it funny. Then trying to pretend it never happened and opening up new conversation as if she hadn't just skewered her opponent, then crying about it again when her conversation partner isn't ready to move on yet.

Both things happened yesterday, and, at different times, in different situations, I explained to them that sometimes saying sorry is the best way to move forward. If the one's screams have offended all within hearing distance, and she wants to then play, perhaps a simple, "I'm sorry I lost my temper right then," would help pave the way to playtime. If the other snuck in a jab, then wanted to recover because she's embarrassed it wasn't funny, but was instead hurtful, an "I'm sorry I said that about you. I was just trying to be funny, but that was wrong," would probably move everyone along much faster.

But my kids think of apologies as punishment. It brings about a responsibility they don't feel toward their actions until it is uttered. And they don't like that. They don't yet see how apologizing is a necessary, and NICE part of life. That boulders can be moved with sincere apologies, and that those types of apologies make us better people, stronger people, happier people. That an apology is not just to assuage the offended but to offer greater insight to our characters.

Right now, apologies are still "gross". Whatever that means.

Anyway, last night, right before bed, I was able to get a legitimate and heartfelt apology out of the screamer. I felt proud and happy that she seemed to understand what I meant.

Until 7:30 this morning when she called me from my warm bed.

"Mama, I'm sorry I cried and screamed on our special date."

That "date" was a month ago and that "date" was not something to apologize for. In that instance, the screamer was legitimately distressed out of her mind because she was separating from her twin for the first time. At the time, I did everything in my power to comfort and distract her, and we eventually (after hours) had a good separate day.

What kills me about this is that instead of connecting an apology to the annoyance of or mistreatment of someone else, she connected it to her feelings.

I told her that wasn't something she ever needed to apologize for. That her crying in that instance was understandable and right and that she has a right to her very real feeling.

My heart broke though.

Apologize for the time you tantrumed when I didn't give you chocolate, or made you put on your seatbelt or brush your teeth or go to school on time.

Don't apologize for the one time you felt scared and helpless and alone.

...We have some work to do.




 

Priority Training

My kids are brilliant at focusing on the tiniest detail, at the expense of any sort of big picture, and twisting that small, insignificant issue into the largest possible problem, sapping all joy from the day, and all energy from my being.

STAHP.

Which color sandals your sister is wearing is NOT more important than getting to sports on time.

Accidentally dropping your shirt on the floor does not make it dirty, and even if it did, that's not more important than actually putting your shirt on.

She didn't smile because you were coughing. She smiled because she liked that scene in the movie. You crying because you missed some of the movie because you cried is just freaking ridiculous, but whatever, go on with your bad self.

Your sister didn't step on your scooter on purpose, but even if she did, that's not as important as actually scootering.

And etc all day long my whole life.

Yesterday, out at dinner, my husband took a crayon and drew my daughter a picture. She tried to make noise about where exactly he could draw it. She didn't want it drawn on her place mat. Of course, where it's drawn is not important. And he told her that. Then drew on her place mat a sketch of three boxes.

Small
Medium
Large

Which one of these is the most important, he asked?

She picked out the big one, and he said, yes. Then he told her she had a habit of concentrating on the small boxes and needed to let those go and focus on the big boxes.

...

It hasn't worked at all. But I still think it's brilliant. I really hope they get it soon.

The Twin Continuum

I don't know if this happens to anyone else or if it's just our family, but my twins operate on a continuum. Or maybe a more accurate description is a scale. I don't know. All I do know is that they are convinced that the other twin's behavior is a reflection of themselves in the opposite way.

So that, the worse one twin behaves, the better the other one feels. They're caught in this weird reality where behaving is good, but the other one misbehaving is better. It makes them more good than regular behaving would have.

And they follow strict rules in regard to this.

For instance, yesterday, Dulce coughed on the graham cracker I gave her, and started to tantrum about wanting a new one, even though I told her that her own cough on her own cracker didn't matter. Natalina came by to get her cracker and promptly dropped it on the floor, breaking it into a few pieces. She automatically went beserk, ratcheting up the emotion in the room to 60 from 0, far outstripping Dulce in her attempt at discontent over her own cracker. On Facebook, I said "feeling the quota met, Dulce took her cracker back and ate it quietly."

But that's not quite correct.

In fact, Dulce broke her cracker into pieces and then ate it, just to show everyone (quietly) how cool she was with broken-cracker-eating. Because Natalina was acting out, Dulce felt good, like "the good child."

Now, before we go further, I swear I do not promote this in any way!!!! I'm never like, "why can't you just be like your sister" or "Dulce is behaving right now and you are not." I do everything in my power to treat them separately, and don't think it's purely for them. It's for me. I need them to act like individual people. It's exhausting living this way.

On the opposite end, I cannot give one of them a compliment without the other one feeling like I've insulted them. I've mentioned this before. If I tell one she's done a good job, the other hears, "you did a bad job." If I tell one she's funny, the other one hears "you're not funny at all, why can't you be more like your sister."

They are constantly telling me they feel I love the other one better than them, when I give even the slightest individual attention to either of them. It's infuriating and frustrating and so hard to deal with.

My twins feel like they are sharing the goodness, in a sense. Like there is a limited quality of good and only when one gives up some of her 50 percent can the other grab up that excess. It's fully ridiculous in every way. And it leaves them bitter competitors in everything.

I can't give them different identities. They won't take them. Any difference at all is analyzed. The activity for each kid is taken apart and weighed in every aspect for "goodness" and "badness", "favored stature" and "unfavored stature". And mind you, these are all made up. They make up definitions of good and bad in their own minds, which makes it extra confusing to me, because I never know which twin is going to feel like she got the good deal and which is going to feel short-shifted for completely equal alternatives.

Twins are hard, guys.

Here are some shitty pictures to illustrate what I'm trying to say:

I haven't figured out how to fix this yet (obviously). Suggestions are certainly welcome.

Kindergarten Kids - Self Fulfilling Prophecies

Problem: 

Your kids are crying, so you tell them to stop. Or, your kids are laughing so you tell them to stop, not because you don't want them to laugh, but because you don't want them to cry, which usually happens about .87 seconds after they start laughing. Or your kids are shouting gleefully and you tell them to stop, not because you don't want them to have fun but because you don't want them to cry which usually happens 1.35 seconds after they start shouting gleefully. Or your kids are running around having fun so you tell them to stop, not because you don't want them to have fun and use up their energy, but because you don't want them to cry...see where I'm going with this?

Or, your kid spills something and you let out an exasperated sigh, not because she spilled something, but because you assume she's going to cry about it, make it into the biggest deal in the world. Because that's what she does. But she hears your sigh and then uses that to cry over, possibly tying the two together in a way you didn't mean. "When I spill things, I exasperate mommy." Which isn't true, only it looks like it is. Even an adult would connect the two because no one is a mind reader.

That's important to remember. No one is a mind reader. Not even you.

Solution:

Try to break yourself out of the habit of "cutting things off at the pass" or "nipping things in the bud." If it's been a while, your kids might surprise you by acting like normal human beings with just minimal guidance in a way they would have six months ago. But they're not going to get that chance, nor are they going to learn to handle their emotions / business by themselves if you intercede before they've even had a chance to figure out what's going on.

And if you're interfering with a negative mindset, they are, of course, going to react to that, just as much, if not more than they would have reacted badly to the original scenario in the first place.

I just figured out I was doing this myself this week, after the girls blissfully went to kindergarten, giving me a half second to be out of the situation and view it objectively. I think by giving them the benefit of the doubt, they are learning valuable coping skills that I was blocking from them previously simply because I could not with them any more.

If you assume the worst of your kids, even if they have given it to you in the past, you'll never get a chance to see the best.







 

Preschool Pointers - 36: Love the Tantrum

I'm in a complicated phase with one of my little girls. She is dying for approval, and goes about getting it by acting out. Which means I can't give it to her. Which spirals her out of control, because she just wants me to love her GAWD. It's a horrid cycle and I'm looking for ways to break it. In that vein...

Problem:

Your child is a perfectionist. Not only that but she wants to hear about how awesome she is all the time. If you don't tell her, she assumes she's crap at everything, no good, and no one loves her. She holds herself up to insurmountable standards, and when she fails herself, she feels that pain so deeply, her emotions overwhelm her and she tantrums, yells, cries, screams or even physically lashes out. This can be over anything from coloring outside the lines, to wearing her shoes on the wrong feet to any other tiny little thing you can think of. Then she sees herself tantruming and tantrums again because she's tantruming. She's that disappointed in herself. Then her whole day is ruined because she refuses to give herself a break. One of these in the morning, and she's done for the day because "she hasn't been good the whole day." Her whole life depends on this strange definition of continual goodness that will or will not win your approval. And you swear to God, you didn't do this to her. You do everything you can to instill in her that she is good, behavior notwithstanding, and that you love her no matter what.

Solution:

I don't know. Honestly, we've been grappling with this on and off for years.

The best I can say is to not allow yourself to play into it. My daughter can get downright nasty and push my buttons, not because she's sociopathic, but the opposite. On some level she wants me to feel the frustration she is feeling. She is simply doing the best she can to express herself so that I totally get the level on which she is standing. But if I allow her to get to me, if I allow myself to get frustrated, then we both just have tantrums and nothing gets better. She's looking for approval and love. I give her this all the time, but she needs it more, she especially needs it when she's being horrific. So, I advise not playing into the tantrum at all as it happens. Hug your kid. Be prepared to be beaten up for a few seconds before she calms down.

After you are out of the situation is the time to talk about it. You will not be able to get through to her what you need and want at the time. She's too far gone, and every move you make is boiled down to this level: Do you love me, or don't you?

Another important thing to do is to try to stop it at the beginning of the spiral. You have to be on your game for this. Because sometimes, the signs are so subtle you don't even know what's about to happen. When she repeats herself to you and changes her tone ever so slightly, when she gets one thing wrong or does something she's not pleased with, pay attention. Give her validation immediately, and converse with her to open up her brain pathways into language. For my child, her emotions are so strong, she's like a slave to them, but if you can get to her core before her feels do, you can help guide her through.

It puts you both on the same side, fighting her tyrannical emotions, as opposed to her and her emotions fighting you.

That's all I've got. It's a work in progress.






 

Preschool Pointers - 8: Praise

Problem: Your kids only behave some of the time, and you want to increase that to all of the time, but reprimanding them doesn't seem to do much good, or curb the blowouts, especially when they're already underway.

Solution: Take an active approach at all times, so that you're not only talking to them about expectations when they're not reaching them. When they do something good or responsible, at any time, praise them. Let them know that you expect that kind of behavior and how happy and proud you are that they are doing it. If you practice this type of praise, you'll notice you'll be talking to them a lot, several times an hour, about how wonderful they're doing. Many times the correct behaviors go by unnoticed, not only by the adults, but by the kids, and by the time you've straightened out bad behavior for the fifth time that day, you've forgotten the 20 good times. But the more a child hears how nice and well-behaved they are, the more they want to hear it. They start to believe that it's easy to be good, and that is what we want. If we spend most of our time correcting bad behavior without the corresponding praise, their self-image changes so that they feel it's just too hard to live up to expectations and they don't try. Everyone likes to be appreciated, adult or child.

Toddler Tricks - 89: Be Specific

I know, I know, last week I said be vague, but I was talking about different things. When you are promising something, be vague so that they're happy, but they don't have any specific image to attach to. Be vague when you're talking about you. Be specific when you are talking about them.

Problem:

Your kid is misbehaving. Whether it's whining about the same thing over and over again in the space of five minutes, throwing a raucous tantrum, making a huge mess, or trying to start a fight with a sibling or any of the other millions of ways a kid can misbehave, they're doing something they know they shouldn't be. You've asked them to be good. You've told them if they don't behave, x, y and z will be taken away or they'll go to their room. They don't care.

Solution:

Be specific. I often fall into the trap of saying to my twins, "listen, I just need you to be good for five more minutes."

But what does be good mean? What does behave mean? It's too broad. The girls can't grasp the concept in real time. Sure, theoretically they know what to be good in the general sense means. But the general sense has no bearing on their specific desires right at the moment. You may as well not have said anything at all because they won't even hear you ask them to 'be good.' It's too vague. They can't picture it.

Instead, I have to remind myself to explain to them what being good in that moment means to me.

"I need you to be quiet while I'm on the phone."
"I need you not to pull your sister's hair."
"I need you to be patient. Don't ask me that again for five minutes."

(Now, they don't know what five minutes is, but they usually make an educated guess. They come pretty close.)

With specific commands to attach to, the girls have a much easier time behaving in the way I need them to at any given time. It also forces me to acknowledge what I need from them. Because oftentimes, when I say be good, I don't know what I mean any more than they do. Good is too vague.

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