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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Five Gifts You Need Not Get My Kids

Kids love presents. Be it their birthday, Christmas, or just as a nice surprise. Who wouldn't, right? And I've noticed a lot of people who aren't quite sure what the best kinds of gifts to get for three-four-and-five year olds might be. I'll tackle that another time, but for now, let me tell you what they are NOT.

1) Glitter

I'm not even sure that an explanation is necessary here, but I'll give one, just in case you think I'm so cruel I would never allow my kids to play with the messy, heartless, horrible stuff.

Glitter is something I need to save for when I can spring it on them, unsuspectingly. Like when we're outside or on the porch, and they look like they're going to be able to get along. Giving glitter as a gift means I've got two kids who are going to wrestle for the shiny until the shiny is all over my carpet and the two darlings are crying. Glitter is just better on mommy's terms, without the added excitement of it being a gift.

2) Silly Putty

You know you're staring at the gates of hell when you find a silly putty container...with no putty inside. And that's the kind of mess that doesn't steam out of carpets.

3) SING AS LOUD AS YOU CAN ELMO (or whatever else, you know what I mean).

First of all, he's way too expensive for the amount of use he's going to get. Tickle me, Rockin' out, Tellin' Jokes Elmo is basically a very red, very big paperweight. On the rare occasions the girls do take him out for a spin, I basically just want to gauge my eardrums out with a dull pencil. Nothing is more annoying than Elmo fake laughing. Oh wait, yes something is. It's Elmo fake laughing for 20 minutes straight.

4) Bath Crayons:

These don't work. They do not work. So, now we've got a tantrum in the bathroom. See those little clickies where you are supposed to be able to easily push the crayon up from its holder? LIES. The crayons melt in the warm water and fall out of there, only to melt some more, and the last thing I want to do while trying to get my kids clean is wrestle with this colorful, slippery stick of trouble. And honestly, even if they did work? I hate having to wash my tub afterward. It's not as easy off as one would think.

5) Books with CDs

They're just clunky and inefficient, to be honest, although they seem like a great idea. By the time I fiddle with my CD player, get the thing playing and everyone all set up, I may as well just read the girls the story myself. And why not? Why not just read to your own children? That way I can show them the words and they can start getting a grasp of how the sounds go together, too!

Basically, when trying to find a gift for a young kid, avoid messy, sticky, and loud! We thank you!



  1. Those dumb ass crayons just fall right out and everyone gets upset.

  2. RIGHT ON.

    Better yet--don't buy my kid any kind of toy, ever. Books (sans CD's, stickers, drawing implements, or any other accoutrements) are the only non-clothing item she can never have enough of. If you could get the kind she can't rip to shreds in sixty seconds, that would be great, too. I mean, unless you're aiming to coat my trash can with paper pieces.

  3. I feel totally guilty that I gave out silly putty as a party favor for C's 5th birthday... :)


    You know, the well-intended books with a puzzle on each page and a mediocre story? The ones that, after the first time a puzzle is broken apart and reassembled, the pieces never stay in the book, get scattered all over your children's room and are forever unusable. Yes, I am grateful that my children were thought about and given a gift in the first place, but man, those things are my parental pet-peeve gift.

  5. Oh man, I hear ya. Instead of bath crayons, try washable finger paints. Well, if you have one of those shower tubs with the plastic shower wall (no grout) all the way up. Those rinse off REALLY easily and are fun. Way better than bath crayons.

    And if you do get a book with a CD, just rip it onto your computer and put it on your mp3 player/phone. Then the kids can hear their book in the car or at bedtime after you've left the room ("I've read you your stories, now you can listen to one more before bed. GOODNIGHT!"). We never follow along with the book, but we have Skippy Jon Jones on CD and it's great to put on in the car when they're fighting over whether or not to sing to the music and you just wanna put some non-music on.

  6. You forgot to add anything made by PlayMobil, permanent markers, or a jewelry making kit (a.k.a. a non-resealable bag of unsorted beads.)

  7. I was doing an activity with the girl I nanny for & her dad asked if we were going to use glitter. I threatened to quit if he bought the toddler glitter. We laughed but I was like 45% serious.

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