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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

All This Mom Wants for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I have been an incredibly good girl this year. I haven't accidentally killed or maimed my children, I steam cleaned the carpets at least one time, I do the dishes every damn day, and I put up with tantrums of the most tiring sort with at least a 30-percent patience ratio. I didn't once sell the kids to the circus or package them up to send to New Zealand. We're all still here and breathing, which makes me pretty much the best mom ever.

That being the case, there are just a few things I want this Christmas:

1) No more candy canes.

For the love of Santa Claus, enough with the candy canes. It's only December 4th and if I never see a sticky, messy, getting-stuck-in-my-carpet stick of goo, it will be too soon. First of all, what the hell is with that wrapping? It's too tight. My kids can't do it themselves, so I have to get my hands all sticky and gross trying to do it for them (because let's face it, I just don't have the dexterity yet to open a full-sized candy cane.) Second, they're too big. My kids will eat the whole thing and ask for a second, but, really, do they need the whole thing? No. The combination of their size and tight wrapping means they break, usually right at the hook there. And this means tears. Because God forbid my children eat broken candy canes (that are just going to break in their mouths in a second anyway.) Enough, I say. Enough.

2) More palatable carols in malls, on car radios and anywhere I don't have a choice of music.

Seriously, there are millions of lovely Christmas songs, instrumentals, hymns, and the like. Do I really need to hear the one where Dean Martin roofies the girl when she wants to go home again? Or Christmas Shoes? You want me to cry on Christmas? Cruel world. What about A Christmas Song, Let It Snow, It Must Have Been the Mistletoe, or how about that one where the girl goes back to the store for cranberry sauce and finally gets a date?

3) No more lies.

I mean, it's not enough that I'm telling my kids a big man dressed in red breaks in by magically sliding down a chimney and gives them oodles of presents every year? No, now I have to explain how he gets into our condo since we don't have a chimney. As of yesterday, actually, we have about twenty chimneys. You get your choice. Because air vents are now chimneys. Thanks a lot. And I have to explain to them how you can be at the mall and at the North Pole. And how you get to every child in one night. I know these are age-old complaints, but they're worth complaining about again. I'm a shit liar. There's no way I'm going to be able to keep this up, and the year I fail will be a tough Christmas indeed.

4) A sense of giving and Christmas cheer.

If I have to explain to my children one more time that we are going to the store to buy presents for other people and not them, I might be the one throwing a tantrum in the middle of Macy's.

5) Nix the Christmas list.

On top of all the lying lies I'm telling, now I'm faced with kids who know they can tell Santa exactly what they want. This sets up unrealistic expectations don't you think? I remember last Christmas. It sucked. And that was before they had specific wishes. They just couldn't handle getting a bunch of stuff all at once. So, yeah, totally, let's add ways to piss them off on Christmas Day.

For instance, Natalina wants a real horse, Dulce wants a grand piano, and I want children who are six years old and reasonable.

I guess no one is getting what they really want this Christmas, eh?



  1. I know where you can get a real horse. On the cheap.

  2. I laughed because otherwise I would have cried. I think all of these things every year.

  3. I don't remember what line my parents gave me about how Santa got into our Southern California home, since I was four or five when I noticed "Santa" and Mom had the same handwriting. It would have been hilarious if she'd gone your route, since we don't have air vents. I guess he would have had to magic his way through our wall heater?

  4. I remember the year my mom begged me to tell someone what I wanted from Santa. I refused because Santa knew and I didn't have to tell them, and when I got what I wanted, they'd be so surprised. I remember my grandma even trying to "make conversation" to get it out of me. In hindsight, they totally put her up to it. I wouldn't budge. I think that was the year I got the Holly Hobby kitchen set. It wasn't what I wanted but it was awesome.

    I've heard the roofies song more this winter than any other year. Prior to that, I had only heard it once ever. I don't know why it's suddenly so popular but I think I've heard it from at least 5 different duos this year.

    And yeah, as if lying about Santa wasn't enough... now we have to do the Elf on the shelf too? It's just too much work. I went out and bought a friendly looking elf to tell on the kids for being good but I just don't have the energy so it's gonna sit on the damn shelf. Tell Santa that, you little spying creep.

  5. This is a great fun to decorate the tree. I like to decorate the Christmas tree with red and white color big sister ornament. When green tree decorate with the red and white color then this looked so beautiful.

  6. I wish a world in which there is respect ornaments for every human being and enough healthy food available for everyone! A world where medical care is accessible for everybody.

    I wish a change in the ‘oldschool’ education system. Just started a project in Zeeland to find continuing education for personalized education embedded in an existing community school. It is time to accommodate the talents of students and give them a future-oriented education. I hope we’ll find in 2018 enthusiastic teachers and school leaders to accomplish personalized education in secondary education.



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