The rise and fall of hormones in women who have just given birth as they continue to interact with their infant as it grows has been well documented. But what about those same hormones in dads?
A new study, just released, shows that fathers also experience a rise in the love hormone as they interact with their child. It also shows a correlation between the mother's hormone level and the father's. If a woman is experiencing PPD, the father's hormone level tends to stay low as well, which may explain some of the depression dads can feel after their partner gives birth to a baby.
This study was done only on what Americans would call "the traditional family," and as I continue to talk about the results, you'll see that there is no way to broaden these findings to include all families. I can only hope there are several other studies in the offing right now that study the hormone levels of adoptive families, gay couples, and others who would not fit into this very slim mold.
Researchers say that the hormone, oxytocin, rises in dads when they are teaching babies - pulling them up to sit, showing them how to see the world around them, playing with them. Mothers experience a hormone boost when they gently handle babies - comfort them and caress them. All of which, they say, may explain why children tend to look for dad when they want a happy playmate, and to seek out mom when they're feeling bad and need reassurance.
In my opinion, this is a very preliminary study, full of holes and vagueness, but one important thing its publication can perhaps do is encourage fathers to be a part of their children's lives as they grow. Clearly there is room in a child's heart for every adult looking to give him love, and no adult should feel tied to any "traditional" duty or feeling.
As we continue to progress as a society, men as a group are slowly coming off of that 'manly' image they have felt, throughout history, the need to portray.
The point of this entry is - man, woman, mother, father - the words don't mean anything. You can be yourself. You intuitively know how to love your child, and you'll know if something isn't quite right. You'll know if your feelings of sadness are too much. Don't second guess. Within the ever-complicated politics of family life there is room for everyone and for every feeling.
Your baby will love you from day one. And we don't need a study for that. Your baby will love you whether or not you fit into the slim mold of test subjects for this particular study. Your baby will love you whether you are a mother or a father. Your baby will love you whether you play with him or cuddle him. Your baby will love you.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Baby Is Sick
Toddlers cry. A lot. They tantrum, they yell, they toss themselves on the floor. They have all of these emotions, and not only do they not understand the effect of emotion on a person, they don't even know what an emotion is. On top of all of these feelings they have to learn and learn about, they also are still trying to learn language. This is a recipe for disaster. This is the cornerstone of the terrible twos. Almost no parent is a bad parent to a two year old, even when they seem out of control. Even the wisest among us cannot teach a baby to handle emotion, cannot teach a baby to speak a language they do not know, even as that emotion bubbles up within them.
My babies are sick. They have a stomach virus. This makes everything so much worse because not only do they not understand emotion and don't know how to tell me about it, they also don't understand physical feeling, and can't grasp why their stomachs are hurting. In fact, they don't even know there is a difference between that physical pain and the emotional trauma they suffer when I fail to give them the correct number of ice cubes in their juice.
This is where a parent can help. As my babies' misery increases, their demands increase, as well. I find myself alternating between feeling bad that they are sick and feeling utterly frustrated at their complete lack of logic, which is only exacerbated by illness.
My babies cannot tell the difference right now between annoyance that the right Raffi song isn't playing and irritation because their stomachs are exploding. They only have experience with the former, so instead of being able to broaden their horizons and tell me they're in pain, they scream extra loud about the Raffi. If I'm not completely aware of the situation, I become exasperated with them and can quickly make matters worse.
It's up to us, as parents, to remember all that faces a two year old everyday - the information, the pain, the emotion. We need to realize and remember that to the baby, it's all rolled into one. And that one magnificent feeling will manifest itself in a million little tantrums over little things because it's the little things that they understand.
And really, we're not so different ourselves. How many of us break down into tears when the cookies burn, or someone makes a flippant remark that hurts our feelings, when really we're stressed out about money, or health issues or something really big is looming on the horizon. People deal with things they know and attack things that they can handle.
It's almost heartening to see my babies relate their illness to whether they're holding the exact spoon they wanted. It's optimistic in a way. It reminds me that this virus, as well as all things, will pass.
My babies are sick. They have a stomach virus. This makes everything so much worse because not only do they not understand emotion and don't know how to tell me about it, they also don't understand physical feeling, and can't grasp why their stomachs are hurting. In fact, they don't even know there is a difference between that physical pain and the emotional trauma they suffer when I fail to give them the correct number of ice cubes in their juice.
This is where a parent can help. As my babies' misery increases, their demands increase, as well. I find myself alternating between feeling bad that they are sick and feeling utterly frustrated at their complete lack of logic, which is only exacerbated by illness.
My babies cannot tell the difference right now between annoyance that the right Raffi song isn't playing and irritation because their stomachs are exploding. They only have experience with the former, so instead of being able to broaden their horizons and tell me they're in pain, they scream extra loud about the Raffi. If I'm not completely aware of the situation, I become exasperated with them and can quickly make matters worse.
It's up to us, as parents, to remember all that faces a two year old everyday - the information, the pain, the emotion. We need to realize and remember that to the baby, it's all rolled into one. And that one magnificent feeling will manifest itself in a million little tantrums over little things because it's the little things that they understand.
And really, we're not so different ourselves. How many of us break down into tears when the cookies burn, or someone makes a flippant remark that hurts our feelings, when really we're stressed out about money, or health issues or something really big is looming on the horizon. People deal with things they know and attack things that they can handle.
It's almost heartening to see my babies relate their illness to whether they're holding the exact spoon they wanted. It's optimistic in a way. It reminds me that this virus, as well as all things, will pass.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Moment of the Week - 7
One day, my babies decided they knew how to use spoons, and then, of course, promptly forgot.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Toddler Tricks - 7
Ways to trick your baby:
Problem: As a parent, you need to keep your house in a somewhat orderly and clean fashion, and you also need to look after your toddlers at all times because as you clean the last mess they made, you can be sure they're off making the next one if they're not in your direct line of sight.
Solution: Toddlers love to help. Talk to them excitedly about what you're going to be doing. Let them help by holding things or putting objects away for you. Then, give them a turn to clean.
Ways your baby can trick you:
Problem: Once you have your kids helping you, they'll find ways to fight, make you miserable and make every chore you're doing take at least three times as long. They'll often interrupt your cleaning so that they can have their turn early.
Solution: Give yourself less to do! As long as you get one or two chores done a day, you'll be ahead of the game. Alternately, save the tougher chores for naptime. And, take heart. In four or five years, your kids will be doing all of these chores for you on Saturday morning for five bucks.
Problem: As a parent, you need to keep your house in a somewhat orderly and clean fashion, and you also need to look after your toddlers at all times because as you clean the last mess they made, you can be sure they're off making the next one if they're not in your direct line of sight.
Solution: Toddlers love to help. Talk to them excitedly about what you're going to be doing. Let them help by holding things or putting objects away for you. Then, give them a turn to clean.
Ways your baby can trick you:
Problem: Once you have your kids helping you, they'll find ways to fight, make you miserable and make every chore you're doing take at least three times as long. They'll often interrupt your cleaning so that they can have their turn early.
Solution: Give yourself less to do! As long as you get one or two chores done a day, you'll be ahead of the game. Alternately, save the tougher chores for naptime. And, take heart. In four or five years, your kids will be doing all of these chores for you on Saturday morning for five bucks.
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Morning Lineup
My toddlers know the PBS line up by heart because in this family, we wake up when the babies wake up, and that can be any time from 7 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. We have a morning routine here. We get dressed for the day, have a glass of milk, then the babies watch some quality programming while my husband and I eat breakfast, and he gets ready for work. I'd like to go through these briefly, in the order in which they appear on our television screen on any given morning.
8:30 a.m. - The Cat and the Hat - I really dislike this show. My babies disagree. I often here them singing "go, go, go, go" which is the refrain to one of the songs, and the show never fails to keep them entertained. I don't know why. I find the animation rudimentary, the dialogue annoying, and the actor playing the voice of the Cat irritating. Also, I don't expect the TV to teach my children anything, but, really, the lessons those two children learn with the Cat are just too stupid to merit review. The babies would probably give it an 8 out of 10. I give it a 1.
9 a.m. - Super Why - This show is about a boy and his fairytale friends who magically travel into books to find the answers to such pressing questions as: I want to keep my tooth from the toothfairy, and I want Little Bo Peep to stay and play with me. I think my babies like this show because of the contrast in animation between the main characters (who are super colorful and multidimensional) to the animation in the stories in which they visit (which is a bit more drab and two dimensional - meant to look like pages in a book, I assume.) The babies would probably give it a 7 out of 10. I give it a 7, also.
9:30 a.m. - Dinosaur Train - This show is about a family of flying dinosaurs that go on adventures time-travelling through all the dinosaur history periods on a train. The babies hate this one. We switch to Nick which is playing Dora the Explorer if we need 9:30 a.m. entertainment. I don't mind Dinosaur Train. I find the landscapes interesting. Babies: 1 Me: 5
10:00 a.m. - Sesame St. I can always count on a full hour of silence if Sesame St. is on. The problems I wrote about in my critique of the show in August hold no weight with the babies. They love it. They eat it up. They sing the theme song, for heaven's sake. Babies: 10 Me: 8
11:00 a.m. - Sid the Science Kid - Thank you, PBS, for changing your lineup to include Sid the Science Kid! I think the subject matter is a bit too advanced for my babies, but they are entertained by the many songs throughout the show. They also like that the show is repetitious. The same types of things happen at the same times every show. Many kids' shows do this, but with Sid the Science Kid, it really works well. Babies: 8 Me: 9
11:30 a.m. Word World - I love Word World. I find myself watching along if this is playing on my screen. I'm always curious as to how the animators are going to turn a word into the object it represents using the letters. What a creative and awesome idea. What loveable characters. What great songs. My kids like the show, too, although, if they're still watching TV at 11:30 in the morning, they're usually sick, or really cranky, or tired so they can't give it their full appreciation. Usually we're outside by then. Babies: 7 Me: 10
And there you have it. Three hours of television shows I never thought I'd ever watch in my life. I hope it helps you decide which one is right for your kid.
8:30 a.m. - The Cat and the Hat - I really dislike this show. My babies disagree. I often here them singing "go, go, go, go" which is the refrain to one of the songs, and the show never fails to keep them entertained. I don't know why. I find the animation rudimentary, the dialogue annoying, and the actor playing the voice of the Cat irritating. Also, I don't expect the TV to teach my children anything, but, really, the lessons those two children learn with the Cat are just too stupid to merit review. The babies would probably give it an 8 out of 10. I give it a 1.
9 a.m. - Super Why - This show is about a boy and his fairytale friends who magically travel into books to find the answers to such pressing questions as: I want to keep my tooth from the toothfairy, and I want Little Bo Peep to stay and play with me. I think my babies like this show because of the contrast in animation between the main characters (who are super colorful and multidimensional) to the animation in the stories in which they visit (which is a bit more drab and two dimensional - meant to look like pages in a book, I assume.) The babies would probably give it a 7 out of 10. I give it a 7, also.
9:30 a.m. - Dinosaur Train - This show is about a family of flying dinosaurs that go on adventures time-travelling through all the dinosaur history periods on a train. The babies hate this one. We switch to Nick which is playing Dora the Explorer if we need 9:30 a.m. entertainment. I don't mind Dinosaur Train. I find the landscapes interesting. Babies: 1 Me: 5
10:00 a.m. - Sesame St. I can always count on a full hour of silence if Sesame St. is on. The problems I wrote about in my critique of the show in August hold no weight with the babies. They love it. They eat it up. They sing the theme song, for heaven's sake. Babies: 10 Me: 8
11:00 a.m. - Sid the Science Kid - Thank you, PBS, for changing your lineup to include Sid the Science Kid! I think the subject matter is a bit too advanced for my babies, but they are entertained by the many songs throughout the show. They also like that the show is repetitious. The same types of things happen at the same times every show. Many kids' shows do this, but with Sid the Science Kid, it really works well. Babies: 8 Me: 9
11:30 a.m. Word World - I love Word World. I find myself watching along if this is playing on my screen. I'm always curious as to how the animators are going to turn a word into the object it represents using the letters. What a creative and awesome idea. What loveable characters. What great songs. My kids like the show, too, although, if they're still watching TV at 11:30 in the morning, they're usually sick, or really cranky, or tired so they can't give it their full appreciation. Usually we're outside by then. Babies: 7 Me: 10
And there you have it. Three hours of television shows I never thought I'd ever watch in my life. I hope it helps you decide which one is right for your kid.
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