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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Circular Journey

It's recently come to light that it will soon be time for me to become part of the workforce again.  You would think this would be great news, since I never really yearned to leave the workforce in the first place.

I remember quitting my job and preparing to move.  When we arrived here, the first month felt like a luxurious vacation, despite the babies' troubles adjusting to our new home.  By the second month, I was restless.  The third month, I was looking for a job.  I found one.  A job that back home would have easily made me $50,000 based on the duties described.  They offered me $9 an hour.  That would even cover half of our daycare costs.  I turned them down, and I stopped looking.  Obviously, there were no jobs for a television journalist in a town that has no TV news.

Month four?  I started this blog, I applied for online journalistic work from home and got it.  I started editing novels for a publisher from home, and I took on freelance work for a local magazine.  I stacked my plate, and I fell apart.  For the next few months I struggled to make all of my projects work, to get things in by deadline, to keep my house clean and my kids entertained.  I often felt like a complete failure.  Not only was I not making any real money, I was letting the housework slide.  I was disorganized and disheveled.  I was trying, but it seemed not enough.

It was only after Christmas that things began to click into place for me.  I started succeeding in the time management that had eluded me for so long.  I am now able to write everything I set out to write, keep the house in a satisfactory manner, and I feel as if I am nurturing my kids to the best of my ability.  Finally, everything lined up for me.

Or maybe I only feel that way because it is a phase of my life soon to end.  It's hard to tell.  I don't know.

What I do know is that as many times as I have complained about this life, as many times as I have struck out into the darkness, wondering who I am and what my purpose was after my career ended, I have enjoyed this phase of life more than any other so far.

I have seen my children grow and flourish.  I have captured fully each development.  I have been able to take responsibility not only for every tantrum, setback and failure, but also for every success, every development, every adventure.

I don't want to leave my kids much as I didn't want to leave the workplace.  What I must remember is that I cannot shove my feelings off on them.  It would be too easy to say that I need to stay home because the kids need me.  They are two and a half now.  There are millions of kids in daycare at their age.  I feel like I need to stay home not because the babies need me, but because I need them.

Yes, I guess it is time to move on.

I am only too thankful that it takes time to look, to find, to apply for, and to get a job.  I will cherish these next months at home.  They may well be my last.


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2 comments:

  1. It's as if I was writing this myself! Although I never technically left the workforce, I did leave the workplace for nearly 5 months while on bedrest and maternity leave! I cannot tell you how much I dreaded leaving so early and then how much I dreaded returning. The term "bittersweet" was used in excess - it was nice to have the time at home before Porter arrived and it was nice to return to adult conversation.
    I also struggle every day with "who am I" besides just mommy. I know every working mother goes through this, but it really doesn't help at the time! As a few words of encouragement (for whatever they are worth), I am really enjoying this blog, so I know you'll be successful in whatever the next chapter brings!

    On a side note - I didn't realize we're so close to one another!! I'm in Melbourne and Kevin and I make our way up to Gainesville every so often for the mighty Gators! :) We'll have to meet up and chat!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, that would be great! I'm so glad you like the blog, too!

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