An Open Letter to Employers -- Guest Post

An Open Letter To All Employers.

While I, myself, am not a mother, I work for mothers. Or, should we say in the past I have worked for them. Between daycare jobs and nannying jobs, moms have been my bosses for the majority of my work life. And there’s one thing that always comes up. And I do mean always. This is very much a solid happening. I get at least one call per month from a mother who needs me to come sit at home with her sick kid because the daycare won’t let them in and mom can’t stay home from work without being penalized in some way.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind filling in for mamas when it comes to sick littles. But it’s not the same thing. I have a friend who will remain anonymous, along with her company, who could still lose her job even with a doctor’s note. Now, I get it … to a point. You need your workers so that your company can be productive. But how productive is it when you have four workers show up with various flus and pneumonias and other contagious illnesses that they are now passing around to each other. Nobody can ever get well because the moment their immune system tries to make a comeback, it gets hit by another germ.

As some of you know, little kids are germ factories. If one gets sick, they’re pretty much all going to get sick. You want to know why? Because they’re too little to understand how to taking universal precautions. I mean, let’s be real here - there are plenty of adults who don’t follow universal precautions themselves. How can we expect a child under the age of say … 5 to be able to take them. Sure, as daycare teachers we do our best to sanitize everything every chance we get. We seclude the sickies at naptime away from the healthy kids in hopes of creating a barrier. We even wash their hands and faces as much as we can.

But that’s not the problem. No, the problem lies with you, dear Employer. Because there are parents who have such strict sick day/personal day/time off policies that they will dose their feverish child up before bringing them to school. Do you know how long Motrin lasts? 6 hours. That means that if they drop their child off at 8am, we won’t find out until said child wakes up from their nap that they’re running a fever. And guess what? A fever masked by medicine doesn’t mask the germs they have. They’re going to make other children sick.

At the age of 28, I came down with a virus usually only seen in toddlers and infants because so many of my toddlers had it, that I just couldn’t escape it. And even though it was my own illness and not a child’s, it cost me my job because of how sick I was. My Hand, Foot, and Mouth turned into bronchitis which lead to me still running a fever. The doctor would allow me to go back to work and DCYF’s attitude is “well, you better be in ratio” so they had to let me go and find someone that could help keep them in ratio.

And again, I go back. I really do understand that you need your workers there. I understand that if they don’t do their jobs, you can’t do yours, and your company fails. But there has to be something that can be done. Leeways that can be put into place. For office jobs - let your secretaries and clerks and accountants come in on a Saturday to get work from the week done. Yes, I know, you’re going to have to pay them, but the day(s) they took off during the week were either sick time or personal days and in a lot of jobs, if you don’t have any hours logged, you don’t get paid.

If your employee can work from home, please let them. Maybe it’s not the most professional thing in the world, but it is the best of both worlds. Baby isn’t Patient Zero at daycare and while Baby is napping, mom (or dad, but I see this happening more with the moms) can get her work done. There has to be a solution that you, the Employer, can come up with that will make you, your employee, and the sick wee bairn (sorry, I went Scottish for a moment) all happy at the same time.

It’s tough out there these days. I understand that better than anyone. There’s so many unemployed people and not enough jobs to go around. So you, the Employer, can give the ultimatum. “If you can’t do this job, I’ll find someone else who can.” But you know what. Stop for a moment and think about that. Think about your employee. Will you really be able to find someone as good as them? Aren’t they with you company because they do good work and you like how they get along with the rest of the staff?

In the end, it comes down to people. We have to stop looking at people as employees and nothing else. We have to start appreciating their whole. Their value to their employer, their family, and to themselves. I bet more people wouldn’t need anti-anxiety drugs if we could all start treating each other like humans and less like cogs in a machine. A little understanding, in my experience, is going to go a very, very long way.

Kindness is free. Sprinkle it wherever you may go.

...

Bridget Frazier:

A twenty-something young woman who, over the years, has come to realize that hopes and dreams don't always coincide with reality. Take a journey through what it means to accept what life has given you, to be happy with the blessing bestowed, all while mourning the loss of dreams once passed.

Live the Present and the Future

Someone said something to me online the other day that was meant as support, but it stuck in my craw. I'd written a piece about being a stay at home mom, and how finally, after a few years of it, I've finally accepted what the role is and what it means to me. And I feel good about it. And I feel successful. You know, the same old drill you get here every gd day. Anyway, she left a long comment, and in it was this:

"I found that I needed and wanted the middle-ground of doing a little of both. My younger sister was happy being a SAH mom, but I realized that she was always more of a "living in the now" person than "living toward a goal" person. THAT probably makes the biggest difference of all."

...

Okay.

So, I really like this person, and I don't want to be a jerk, but I am a living toward a goal person. That's the point. That's why, at first, I had a hard time with this staying home thing. Because I felt like I no longer had any aim, and that the aim I once had would disappear on me, and I'd have to start all over.

For shame, me.

I had to learn that first and foremost, getting these kids to grow up healthy and happy is a goal, a worthy and important one. And it's not as selfless as it sounds. My kids' happiness has everything to do with me, and they'll outlast me (God willing), so, really, they're the most futuristic goal I could achieve.

Secondly, SAHMs still have other goals. One of the reasons I have been able to accept myself as I am is that I changed my course, I made revisions, I made new goals, and I'm working toward them. I assume all SAHMs do this to some extent, and whether their goals are to write novels, host an online shop, do photography, or just keep the damn house clean--they're still goals.

Third and related, how does working at a job, in and of itself, make one goal-oriented? Most of the people I know that are forced to do the nine-to-five, whether they're cashiers or executives, are just trading time for money. Yes, there are some that are ambitiously pushing for more (usually for more money in less time), and I thought I would be one of those, but when I look back on my "career" I see that I was fooling myself. The hours I was spending at work were exactly that. Hours spent at work.

In fact, I have more and better goals now than I did when I was working. And better still, I have a plan to get there. Why? Because I have the time to think of a plan. I have the energy (some days) to organize the steps and to do the detail work. Because when I'm not working for someone else's dollar, I am free to work on myself and on my kids.

Now, she's not all wrong. One of the greatest things being a SAHM has taught me is how to live in the now. When I'm at the library, reading books to my kids, I can't be bothered with worrying over who's following me on twitter or what I have to do to increase my author following. I have to be there for them, in the moment. And if I'm not, it ruins the time for them and for me without furthering anything.

So, as a SAHM, I get the benefit of the now and of the future, too.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm damn lucky, and I'm damn thankful. This is a really good life, and while I know it will change, I'm happy to be able to live in the now and still be a goal-oriented person. Being a SAHM has allowed me to do that. Being a stay at home mom has allowed me to grow up.

It's not for everyone. It's not the best thing for everyone. It's not the best for every child or every parent. And to those working, I salute you. I, personally, having done both, think it's harder to be a WOHM. It's different, almost incomparable, but for me, it was harder.

I feel truly blessed that I have been afforded the opportunity to go on this journey, and that I have found what's right for me at this particular time. Goals and time and online comments notwithstanding.


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edited

It was rightfully mentioned to me that I should be careful about what I am deciding to share here.  Here are the pictures from today's post, instead!

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Where Were You?

Today is my babies' half-birthday!  I made the mistake of telling them this yesterday, and immediately was met with demands of cake, candles and birthday hats.  They may not know what half means, but they certainly understand birthday.

So, have a seat and a piece of cake!

So often, as our babies grow, we mark the milestones and celebrate their development.  We tend to completely forget that as our babies sprout into children, we are also growing.

Our growth doesn't take the form of height or motor skills.  It's more subtle, but it's there.  So, as your babies age, and you celebrate the lives you created as they round each new stage, remember yourself.  We, as parents, are also important as people.

Let me explain.

When my babies were six months old, I was a full-time news producer in Boston.  The commute was long (90 minutes each way), and the hours were longer.  I coordinated and stacked shows that started with the unrest in Lebanon and ended with harvesting lichen in Maine.  I sat in a control booth, barking out orders to directors and reporters, taking phone calls from the assignment desk, and advancing the lower thirds.  Leaving this job marks a huge shift in priorities for me.  This was a rising-star job.  But I had to leave.  I was gone 15 hours a day.  I missed my babies.

When my babies were 18 months old, I was the senior producer for a weekly magazine show in Waterbury.  I worked under the umbrella of the Catholic Church, specifically, the Diocese of Hartford.  I'm not particularly religious, and this was hard for me.  We produced daily Masses, and Crossroads Magazine.  I was also in charge of public relations, obviously not an easy task.  I would put together intricate appeal videos that helped to bring in tens of millions of dollars to the church, while couching the hard news stories about it in sugary spin.  I was closer to home, but I still missed my babies.  My family was getting nervous as the economy worsened and my husband continued to look for work.

Now that the babies are 2.5 years, I'm staying at home with them.  My days are no longer filled with breaking news, cutting soundbites, and coordinating live shots.  My days are no longer filled with writing six-minute features, organizing promotional videos, or managing a staff.  My days are now filled with teaching language, reading, potty skills, and independence to a set of wily twins.  It's probably the hardest job I've ever done.

Happy half-birthday, babies.  Who knows where you'll be in your lives next year?  And who knows where mommy will be in hers?  Probably still behind the camera.  Hopefully still in front of an empty plate of cake.

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The Circular Journey

It's recently come to light that it will soon be time for me to become part of the workforce again.  You would think this would be great news, since I never really yearned to leave the workforce in the first place.

I remember quitting my job and preparing to move.  When we arrived here, the first month felt like a luxurious vacation, despite the babies' troubles adjusting to our new home.  By the second month, I was restless.  The third month, I was looking for a job.  I found one.  A job that back home would have easily made me $50,000 based on the duties described.  They offered me $9 an hour.  That would even cover half of our daycare costs.  I turned them down, and I stopped looking.  Obviously, there were no jobs for a television journalist in a town that has no TV news.

Month four?  I started this blog, I applied for online journalistic work from home and got it.  I started editing novels for a publisher from home, and I took on freelance work for a local magazine.  I stacked my plate, and I fell apart.  For the next few months I struggled to make all of my projects work, to get things in by deadline, to keep my house clean and my kids entertained.  I often felt like a complete failure.  Not only was I not making any real money, I was letting the housework slide.  I was disorganized and disheveled.  I was trying, but it seemed not enough.

It was only after Christmas that things began to click into place for me.  I started succeeding in the time management that had eluded me for so long.  I am now able to write everything I set out to write, keep the house in a satisfactory manner, and I feel as if I am nurturing my kids to the best of my ability.  Finally, everything lined up for me.

Or maybe I only feel that way because it is a phase of my life soon to end.  It's hard to tell.  I don't know.

What I do know is that as many times as I have complained about this life, as many times as I have struck out into the darkness, wondering who I am and what my purpose was after my career ended, I have enjoyed this phase of life more than any other so far.

I have seen my children grow and flourish.  I have captured fully each development.  I have been able to take responsibility not only for every tantrum, setback and failure, but also for every success, every development, every adventure.

I don't want to leave my kids much as I didn't want to leave the workplace.  What I must remember is that I cannot shove my feelings off on them.  It would be too easy to say that I need to stay home because the kids need me.  They are two and a half now.  There are millions of kids in daycare at their age.  I feel like I need to stay home not because the babies need me, but because I need them.

Yes, I guess it is time to move on.

I am only too thankful that it takes time to look, to find, to apply for, and to get a job.  I will cherish these next months at home.  They may well be my last.

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The Fake Career Woman

A beautiful blogger and great friend of mine wrote a post today about being a fake stay at home mom (during break as a teacher.)  She got a lot of well-deserved hits, and I laughed at myself, saying, "I'm going to post where you post, claiming that SAHM is a career."

But, then, I thought, what the heck, self?  SAHM is a career.

She writes: As a teacher "for several weeks out of the year, you can pretend like you don't have a job and stay home with your kids."

Now, anyone with half a brain knows what she means, but this is the message that society gives stay at home moms every day.  You don't have a job.  You get to stay at home with your kids.

You don't have a job.  You get to stay at home with your kids.

I think it's time to break this down.  Why do people insist on telling stay at home moms that they don't work?

1) They don't get paid.

Okay, you're right, world.  We don't get paid.  But we save money, which is basically the same thing.  By staying home with our children, we save thousands of dollars on daycare or babysitters.  The main reason I am a stay at home mom right now is that the money I'd be able to pull in working a job would be less than the amount I'd have to pay out to have someone watch my two babies.  I'd be working for negative dollars.  Stay at home moms also save on gas money because we have everything we need in our home.  We save on sanity because there's no mad rush in the morning or afternoon to drop off or pick up the kids.  We save face because when our kids are sick, we don't have to call out of work to tend to them.  We are already at work.  Stay at home moms save.

2) They don't have a boss.

Wrong.  I have two bosses.  And they are the most fickle, most demanding, most egotistical bosses I've ever come across.  No logic appeases them.  No project is done soon enough.  No amount of attention paid will sate them.  They ask for, and expect the impossible.  It's up to me to figure out the details.  Even the hardest boss has given me more logical duties than I have now.

3) They stay at home.

True.  We do stay at home.  But since when do you need to leave the home to work?  Several people operate businesses out of their home.  Some use a computer network and work from home, despite having an office job.  I fail to see how location impacts whether or not someone is holding down a job.

4) The work they are doing is not considered "a real job."

Actually, yes, it is.  While the stay at home mom is not getting paid for her duties, she is doing at least two, possibly more, jobs that others would be paid to do.  Childcare is the obvious job.  The next is house cleaning.  Several people get paid to nanny kids or work in a daycare.  Several more get paid to clean people's houses on a weekly basis.  By saying a stay at home mom doesn't do any real job, you are not only insulting the mother, you are insulting those workers who get paid to do what we do.  Who are you to say what job is real?

5) It's easy.

I can only speak for myself here.  There are some women for which, I guess, it is easy.  But for me, it's hard.  I have to teach my kids.  I am a teacher.  I have to teach them English, I have to teach them manners, I have to teach them how to think on their own, I have to teach them concepts like cause and effect.  I am a nurse  I have to keep them from hurting themselves.  I have fix them up when they do manage to hurt themselves.  I have to care for them through sickness that they don't understand.  I am an entertainer.  I have to come up with crafts, activities and games for them.  I have to ensure that through these various forms of entertainment that they are learning and not getting hurt.  I am a janitor.  I have to clean up after them constantly.  I can thoroughly clean and vaccuum a room only to have it torn to shreds moments later by grubby baby hands.  I am all things at all times.  I am an engineer.  It is up to me to fix the various toys, furniture parts, picture frames, and dishware that the babies break.  It's amazing how many things a toddler can break just by looking at them.

Now, this is not to say that working mothers and fathers don't have to do these things, too.  This is only to say that stay at home moms have to do them all the time.  And we have to do them while fighting the societal stigmatism that tells us we're not doing enough.  We have to do them without the perks a normal job comes with.  There is no bonus, no vacation, no time off.  The time that others "get to spend with their kids" we simply continue to spend with our kids, so that if we're sick, we're still working.  If we're on vacation, our work is even harder because we're responsible for keeping everybody in line in a new environment, in a new situation.  Our time off, namely nap time and bed time, we use to complete the other half of our daily work, namely cooking and cleaning.

Being a stay at home mom is a thankless job, but a job nonetheless.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  Now, somebody pass me the bon bons.

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Parental Preference

For the first 20 months of my children's lives, I worked outside of the home.  I would wake up to the sound of the babies, change them, get their milk ready, feed them, get ready for work, make myself a lunch and head out the door.  Every once in a while one of them would make a fuss about me leaving, which made me feel special but also broke my heart.  I almost preferred it when they didn't notice I was on my way out.
I would then spend an hour driving to work, eight hours at work (missing my babies), and an hour driving home from work.  When I got home, they would usually just be waking up from a nap, and I would change them, feed them dinner, make us dinner, get their milk ready and put them to bed.

With all of those activities packed in to our short time together, I hardly had any time to play with them.  I felt like a failure as a mother.  I felt like I was letting them down.  All of this was compounded every time they chose their father over me.  On top of everything else, I couldn't help but let the actions of a baby hurt my adult feelings.

It's so important, not to mention nearly impossible, to separate our egos from our parenting.  I couldn't do it, but, sometimes, I would be able to catch myself being all about myself and curb the behavior.  I distinctly remember one evening where my husband and I were playing with the babies in the living room, and they wanted him, and I sat on the ottoman in a huff instead of finding a way to make myself interesting to them.  I lost probably ten precious minutes that way before I snapped out of it.

Even though I knew the babies loved me just as much as they loved their father, after my hard days, and my missing them, the child in the back of my own mind wanted them to show me their love.  If they didn't, that child in me threw a tantrum.  Foolishness.

All children are different, and they will all show their love in their own way and in their own time.  It is up to us as adults to remember that our babies love us, even if they act as if they prefer the other parent at crucial moments.  They don't know those moments are crucial.  They don't know that by wanting to play with or be fed by Daddy instead of Mommy, they are making some kind of declaration of love, or lack of love.  They don't know that because that's not what they are doing.

There can be many causes for parental preference, the most bold-faced being routine.  Babies and toddlers are just learning the intricate ways of life around them.  Every minute of their day provides new lessons.  With all of that information coming at them constantly, it is no wonder they cling to what they know, what they've come to understand.  If one parent is the constant caregiver, they will go to that parent when in need, not because they think the other parent is incapable, but because it is not within their realm of understanding to mix the roles.

Now that I am the stay at home parent, I often yearn for the days when the babies would allow their father to do anything for them at all.  They're old enough now to make a big show out of his return from work, and they're used to playing with him after he arrives, but if one of them needs a diaper change?  Mommy.  If one is hungry?  Mommy.  If they need a spoon, want help moving a chair, want to change their shirt?  Mommy, mommy, mommy.

If you are working outside of the home, take heart.  You're not letting your child down, nor are you seeing them love your partner any more than they love you.  As much as each day of your child's life is a momentous occasion for you, they won't even remember these days, much less think of you as abandoning them.

Our lives as parents are hard enough.  We need to live each day knowing that our children love us with an unconditional intensity.  To project our own insecurities on their toddlerhood actions will only make everyone's life harder.  Our children love us.  They don't forget us when we're gone for the day.  They don't resent us.  We shouldn't resent ourselves, either.  After all, putting food on the table is a big part of that love, a part they will understand with time.