Finding the new normal -- Guest post

It was a year ago at the beginning of April that Tom moved out. It's been a full cycle - summer, fall, winter, spring and back to summer. A year of holidays done differently. A year of school: Tai graduated kindergarten and is just four days short of finished with first grade, and Miriam started preschool and is almost through her first year. In this year, I've learned at least as much as the kids. Some lessons were obvious, others less so.

1) I learned that I don't have to ask permission. I adopted two cats, because I wanted to. I didn't have to make a case, I didn't have to prove anything. I have begun to make the house my own - to decorate in ways that please me, and to figure out what pleases me.

2) I learned I could do what needed to be done, even when it felt impossible. I've made it through several rounds of stomach flu with the kids without dissolving into a puddle. I even managed to hold back hair and rub backs. For an emetophobe, someone who would have a panic attack at the thought of getting sick, this was huge.

3) I learned I needed to take time to figure out who I am, on my own - to become an 'I' rather than half of a 'we'. I went on a few dates, met some interesting women who I enjoyed hanging out with - but realized quickly that I wasn't really ready yet. I haven't been on my own in more than twenty years.

 
4) I am learning what I want in my next relationship, and what I deserve. Someone who enjoys some of what I enjoy, who will go to concerts and musicals and the symphony and the opera and museums. Someone who doesn't hold me in contempt. Someone who is a partner.

5) I learned that I enjoy working out of the house. I've been a stay-at-home mom ever since I was pregnant with Tai. I hadn't realized I missed having a job until I went back to work. I feel like my days have a new structure, and I love stretching my brain in new ways.

6) I learned that I am the one. I make the rules, I enforce the rules. With the kids, and for myself. Not always a positive, but a part of the growing-up that I'm doing.

7) I learned that I'm grieving the loss of what I imagined I had, or imagined I could have, with Tom more than what I really had. 

 
8) I learned that I don't want to go backwards. I have never regretted the decision to separate from Tom, at least, not for myself. Even when I found out he was dating, when he began having sleepovers with the kids and the girlfriend, I never wanted to get back together with him.

9) I learned that I am okay alone. Even when I'm grieving, even when I am sad or scared or lonely, I can sit with that and it passes, and I am okay.

10) I learned that I am tired of keeping my life small and circumscribed by fear. I am ready to have a bigger life. To be who I am, in all of my messiness.

It has been 14 months since Tom moved out, since the kids have been traveling between our two houses. We've learned and we have found our own routine. We have made a new normal.

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Aubrey Harmon is a mother and writer who blogs at World Split Open.

Guest Post - Surviving a Divorce

Today I am lucky enough to have a guest blogger talking about a very sensitive subject: divorce.

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In the US, there is one divorce every 13 seconds. That’s 6,646 divorces per day, 46,523 divorces per week, and 2,419,196 every single year. Sadly to say, divorce is a very common act in this day in age. With that being said, if you’re currently in the process of a divorce, you’re not immune to the challenges of it, no matter how much you try and think differently. Experiencing all of the emotions that come from the breakdown of a marriage is a very large weight on your shoulders, even in the best situations. But from here on out, you have to think that you are on the journey to a new beginning and a new life. The divorce process can be quite a lengthy one, especially if children are involved. Never, ever wait for everything to be finalized before you start living your life to the best of your ability. Every single day is precious and no matter how down you feel, you have to remember that. Here are a few tips of coping and moving forward.

1. Your social life: If you aren’t one of the 5 billion people currently on a social media network, now may be a good time to give it a go. It’s a great way to reconnect with old friends and perhaps making new ones. Word of advice though, stray away from distasteful photos, posts, or comments as if found, they can be used in court. Also don’t advice “friending” your ex.

2. Your professional life: Maybe you’ve taken a break from the workforce or you’ve been working at home but now might a good time to think about a career change for the future. This may not necessarily be the right time for a huge career jump but definitely to start networking. Reach out to old and current colleagues, go through your contact list and get back into the loop. In today’s digital age, everyone is interested in networking. If you are currently not employed, contact your college or graduate school and see if there are any upcoming alumni events. Get back into the loop.

3. Divorce talk: Choose one friend, or better yet a therapist, to talk about your divorce. While it may not seem like it at the time, people may listen for a few weeks but they do have their own personal problems and lives and may not want to consistently listen to yours constantly. When anyone asks how you are, always answer in a positive note. You may find it a little hard to say, “Great!” so instead say, “I’m in the right direction.” and then move forward in the conversation. If you consistently have to talk about your divorce, you may feel drained and this may lead you away from your new goals.

4. Breathe: When you wake up, take a deep breath. Make time for a quiet time in your day to breathe and collect yourself.

5. Exercise: Make sure you keep yourself in shape and healthy. Take yoga, swim, walk the stairs, dance, anything. Just keep moving and it’ll help reduce your stress.

6. Sleep: This may seem like a challenge, especially in the beginning, but you cannot survive without sleep.

7: Create: Start your new life. Make goals. Starting over can provide you with so many new opportunities. Visualize how you want your new future and go after it.

8: Bad mouthing: Never speak ill of your ex, no matter how angry you are. Your time will be much better spent speaking about the positivity in your life. Be very careful to never speak badly about your ex in front of your children. They are a very large part of your spouse's life and it may upset them to hear that. Keep any divorce conversations away; you must protect them from any negativity.

9. Forgiveness: We all make mistakes, it is human nature. Whether you chose the wrong spouse or perhaps didn't invest as much as you had wanted in your marriage. Learn from it and move on.

10: Focus on the good: Every breath you take is a blessing. As horrible as you feel, there are probably millions who would trade places with you. Live, laugh, love.

There IS life after divorce, it is up to you to move forward and be the best you can be. Opportunities are there, just go for them.

About the author: Shannon is a mother to a 2 year old, divorced, co-parenting, and the marketing coordinator for FlexiblePVC.net, a vinyl tubing supplier. To contact her, email her at
flexiblepvc@gmail.com today.



 

What's a Doctor?

I just want to take a moment to talk about how ridiculous Dr. Drew Pinsky is all of the time.

He's a medical doctor. Graduated in medicine in 1984. Specializes in addiction medicine.

Good.

Fine.

Shut up, Dr. Drew.

First of all, your credentials don't really give you the expertise to counsel young girls about their pregnancies and marriages. So stop it.

What really gets me is that he time and time again has stated that parents of twins are more likely to get divorced than parents of singletons.

The study he's using is one based out of Massachusetts that uses information from the 1980 census to say that parents of twins are one percent more likely to divorce than parents of singletons.

Really?

Anyone that knows statistics knows that you can't even count one percent. It's part of the error margin, unless your study is inhumanly precise. Secondly, there's just not enough information to make a conclusion from one year's census. What the study says is that people who had twins as their firstborn children in the late 1970s were one percent more likely to divorce than parents of singletons in the late 1970s. What about all the other years, all the other parents? What about all the other factors that determine divorce? Like the age of the couple when they first get married for instance, since he most recently used this statistic on Teen Mom.

I'm not saying there's nothing to that study, I'm just saying don't pass it off the way you do. "You know, statistically, parents of twins are more likely to divorce than parents of singletons."

I just don't buy it.

Add that to his blowhard attitude, his I'm-everybody's-friend-as-long-as-they're-making-me-money stance, and his long career of crap, and I'm tuning out.

Before he even graduated medical school, he was on the radio as "Ask a Surgeon." He's not a surgeon.

He did ads for 1-800-GET-THIN.

He co-founded a site on the internet for teens to get advice, named after himself, of course. Ran out of funding and no longer exists. Shame.

He's a reality rock-God and for that, I don't fault him. Get it, gurl, get your money. Lord knows, I'd do the same.

But don't say stupid things. Don't say you'd frame Lindsey Lohan for drugs to get her into rehab if you were her father. That's not hyperbole. Look it up. I think you'll find it's more along the lines of assholery.

You've got plenty of credentials and plenty of great things to say. Just stop when you run out of them. Don't make bridges that aren't there, and don't pretend to be everything you are not.

A doctor who plays one on TV.

Give the triplets a kiss for me as I sit here and pray for your marriage, since God knows how many of those fall apart. Do you have a study based on numbers from 1965 you could perhaps pull out of your pocket?

Oh, and PS - Adam Carolla was the best part of Loveline.

PPS - What even is this? How are you qualified, and notice how you say nothing.




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