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Monday, October 6, 2014

That time I came fairly close to dying and thought I was just being lazy

If you know me at all you know lazy really isn't in my lexicon. So, this weekend, when I "just didn't feel like getting out of bed", I gave myself a really hard time.

"Don't feel like getting out of bed?" I asked myself as I lay there with my head under the pillows. "Sounds like someone wants to use the weekend to her advantage and play hooky from being a housewife. Because, oh, you have it so hard, wah wah wah. Have to do dishes and laundry and go grocery shopping and to kid soccer games. It's SO HARD to be you. What is your problem?"

Still, I lay there. (Although, don't kid yourself, all of that gone done except the grocery shopping and that's only because my husband wouldn't let me go. You'll find out why in a sec.)

I was seriously peeved at myself. Unlike the flu, what I was / am suffering from currently comes with a side effect of "malaise" which means "feeling washed out / off." So, I wasn't feeling sick. I wasn't even feeling too tired to move. I was literally feeling washed out. I wondered at one point if I was actually suffering from depression (not having ever experienced true depression, I have no idea how it would affect me. I was grasping at straws. I just don't lay in bed for "no reason", and yet there I was. I was searching for an explanation. From my bed, where I refused to leave, no matter how much I yelled at myself.)

I got no school work or writing done. I could not bring myself to care enough to sit upright to do it. Also, sitting was painful.

The malaise, which I thought was a separate issue, was actually a symptom of this other thing (that I'm not telling you about. Just think about the grossest thing you can imagine, make it ten times grosser, and that's basically what I'm dealing with.)

Anyway, by mid-Sunday, I could no longer bend down. I had to ask my children to get the laundry I had folded and placed on the floor because I couldn't reach it. I still thought this was separate from me wanting to be a lazy ass this weekend, but not being able to bend over, on its own, is reason enough to seek care, so I went to the weekend walk-in.

Again, I won't go into detail, but yesterday ended up being the worst medical day of my life. And I've had twins via emergency c-section, so...

When the doctor finally looked at me, she could not believe I was up and about at all, couldn't believe I had driven myself there, and couldn't believe how advanced the situation had become. And I'm just there like, what? I mean, I know I feel kind of off, but really?

Yes, really.

I have to be pretty careful for the next  little while, even, until I see a surgeon about this. I have watch my temperature, and make sure I don't get super sick or die of an infection. Awesome. Totally have time for this.

When I got home, I felt slightly better, and mentioned going grocery shopping, and that's when my husband was like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU.

I'm glad he's around, because that would have been stupid. I mean, so we need milk? It will be okay for a second.

And that's the main point of this whole thing, even though it's all been about me and a rare, odd thing that happened to me.

It's applicable to the general audience, particularly to the moms out there.

Sometimes, be it a medical emergency or not, you're going to need time to recharge. A nap, a coffee away, even a whole weekend.

It's not laziness. You aren't lazy. You're so very hardworking, and you come down really hard on yourself, and there's no need to.

It doesn't matter the reason, and it won't be a permanent personality change.

If you need a break, speak up. Let your loved ones know. They will understand because they know and love you.

And, honestly, if you find yourself doing something totally out of character, don't try to bully yourself out of it. There is most likely an underlying cause, be it pure exhaustion, some kind of illness you hadn't bargained for, or, you know, a mammoth killer infection trying to take your life while you're busy calling yourself a lazy sack of shit.

Make sure you look around every so often, take stock of who you are and what your life is like. And then, give yourself a break. In all senses of the phrase.



  1. That kind of malaise can indeed be a symptom of depression as well, if it's consistent and persistent. Feeling empty, washed-out, and without even enough energy to do basic tasks like getting out of bed is the primary way it presents for me. It also feels deceptively like "being lazy."

    I'm glad that you got checked out and treated, and that whatever it is is treatable and that you will be okay. Please take care of yourself!

  2. RIGHT ON.

    After Child #4 was born and was a week old, I fell over and had to go to Emergency for a suspected broken wrist. By the time he was six months old, I'd had an ear infection so bad it displaced my jaw for a few days, lost my voice, got conjunctivitis twice and had several migraines. And still, I thought, 'what's wrong with me? Why can't I do EVERYTHING?'

    It's amusing to me that often our bodies will be very clear when we should be slowing down - or, heaven forbid, stopping for a moment! - and we're so stubborn as to ignore them. I'm really glad you went to the doctor and that you're taking it easy. And thank goodness for a significant other who will stop you from going grocery shopping!



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