Recipe Monday - Hawaiian Ham Quesadillas

I felt like mixing up my quesadillas, so I gave this a try. Not half bad for a really quick meal, and, honestly, great for kids.

Ingredients
8 oz. cream cheese (I used ricotta)
1 cup shredded mozzarella
3 sliced green onions
⅛ tsp red pepper flakes (optional)
1 (15 oz.) can pineapple chunks in juice (I used fresh pineapple)
½ lb. smoked ham
1 pkg (of 8) 8 inch flour tortillas

tablespoon of vegetable oil

Instructions

Allow the cream cheese to come to room temperature before you begin. Combine the cream cheese, shredded mozzarella, sliced green onions, and red pepper flakes in a bowl. Stir until well combined.

Drain the pineapple chunks as much as possible. Roughly chop them into smaller pieces. Roughly chop the sliced ham into small pieces. Add both to the cheese mixture and stir to combine.

Place ¼ to ⅓ cup of the filling in each tortilla and spread to cover half of the surface. Fold the tortilla in half to close. Cook each quesadilla in a skillet over medium heat in oil until brown and crispy on both sides.









 

Moment of the Week - Beatles family singalong

Let's Play a Game Called Who Can Be the Biggest Douche, AKA Tax Return Time

I'm constantly telling my twins, "look, when you give something away, it's no longer yours. It belongs to the person you gave it to, and you should be happy you were able to make them so happy." Sharing is a big deal in this house, and it's hard. I get it. You don't want to give away what you think is yours. And when I make them share, it's as if this big unfair, stupid hand is forcing them to do what they least want to do. Then they're supposed to be happy about it. (Or at least shut up about it.) But, they're living in my house, and we have a system and to live here peacefully, we all have to obey the rules of that system. Sure they can tantrum about it. But that just makes them look silly, selfish, and like babies.

With that said, I give you this:

What is it about tax return time that turns people into such jerks? Do we not understand how taxes work? If you got $500 back, and someone you know who "doesn't work as hard" gets thousands back, you realize that if they got less back, you still wouldn't get more back, right?

As much as we hate to believe it in the "It's mine, all mine, it should ALL be mine" frenzy that is tax return season, the system we have in place is there for a reason, and when we sign up to make our living in the United States, we sign up to give up a lot of our money into the system. The poor people aren't stealing your money, middle-class folks. Again we're caught up in blaming the wrong people.

If you have children, you get more money back. Because you need it. I know that people without children think they need it, too, but this is the exact reason we don't all rule ourselves in little kingdoms of one. If you want to change the tax brackets, change them up not down. More money should be put in from those at the top (sorry, dudebros, success sucks a little bit, but here's a secret: It doesn't suck nearly as much as failure), not less being taken out by the bottom.

And remember, please remember, it's not your money and poor people didn't take it from you.

The government takes it to provide a nice society for all of us, and depending on your particular needs any given year, they give you some of it back because lol, oops, we accidentally took all your money and held it hostage all year.

Here's the second part, if someone is ever lucky enough to bring in thousands of dollars in tax return money, you don't get to be the tax return police.

Repeat after me: It is not your business what other people spend their money on.

I already know what you are going to say so here:

1) It is their money. Period. I don't care if you think they "earned" it or not. You don't get to make that call. If you want to make that call, go become the head guy of the IRS or something. You don't get to decide who deserves money and who doesn't just because you're someone's neighbor or aunt or pseudo-friend.

2) It's not your business even if you (wrongly) think they're using money you personally put into the system. It is a gift. We are sharing. These people need it. You don't get to give and then cry about it without looking silly, selfish and like a baby. (see above).

Images like the ones above are inflammatory hyperbole, meant to section the middle-class against the poorer classes. And they work easily because those in different classes, even in the United States have no idea how the other people live. We live and breathe the stereotypes given those people.

Earlier in the week, I was involved in a "discussion" about this image on facebook. Many people agree with this picture and raise their hands all rah-rah style about how effed up it is that poor people get to have new phones and toys and clothes at tax return time, when they (the working middle class) are stuck with the same old iPhone model they've had for two whole years now.

I want to dissect a bit of the argument here, in hopes that you will change your mind about whether or not it is your business when a poor person buys their child a tablet or takes a trip to Disney World on their tax return money. I will use real things said in that FB thread to preserve the reality and ensure I'm not putting words in the other side's mouth. They are unchanged in spelling, grammar and sense-making.

Argument 1:

"theres some ppl down the street who have 3 kids all different dads, the wife is a waitress and the step dad is hiding on the sofa waiting on an insurance settlement so, as the 10 yr old tells me they can be rich... they got 7k back in taxes,,, the mom took pics of all the kids holding the money on a tablet and the kid showed me... and like most ghetto folk, they all got there nails and hair did, went clothes shopping and of coarse they all got new phones... instead of fixing up there shitty house.. or saving for a new car or something.."

1) Three kids, all different dads. We're talking about tax returns here. This information about paternity is unnecessary. It holds no meaning in terms of how much money the woman receives for care of her children. It serves only to strengthen the poverty-stricken, single-mom-whore stereotype, and provides a mediocre means for snap judgments. Can't keep your legs shut? Clearly don't deserve money to care for your kids. Since OBVIOUSLY they are unwanted mistakes that you made because you're stupid and wanton. Only that's not the case at all, and shut the hell up. Jesus.

2) The step-dad is hiding on the sofa waiting on an insurance settlement. Okay, first of all, how do you hide on a sofa? My kids tried that when they were little and I, like, found them every damn time. Secondly, this is rather vague and non-sensical. Like, so what? He's not allowed an insurance settlement? You think insurances are just bending over backward trying to give money to people? If he's getting a settlement, he's most likely legitimately injured in a way that even insurance companies have to acknowledge. So why won't you? I give you a D- for trying to insinuate laziness and lack of desire to work without actually knowing anything about the situation and mixing stereotype with something you think you saw or heard.

3) so, as the 10 yr old tells me they can be rich. You know what rich means to a poor ten year old? Rich means he can fucking afford school lunch, yo. Do not use a child's definition of wealthy to determine how much or little a family who "doesn't deserve it" is going to pull in from their "obviously shady insurance dealings". Secondly, any damn thing comes out of kids' mouths, dude. My kids will walk around telling strangers on the street we're poor because I wouldn't buy them a Tootsie Pop. Chill.

4) the mom took pics of all the kids holding the money on a tablet and the kid showed me... and like most ghetto folk, they all got there nails and hair did, went clothes shopping and of coarse they all got new phones... instead of fixing up there shitty house.. or saving for a new car or something. Yes, God forbid poor people get to post pictures of something nice they got. They not only don't deserve to buy it, they certainly don't get to show their friends that they're attempting to live a real-person life. And those tablets won't teach the children how to function in the technological age, those phones won't be used to upload resumes or conduct job interviews, the hair and nails certainly won't help them look presentable to a potential employer. Ever hear of "Dress for Success"? Not to mention, in order to make life-long, durable changes, people need the self-confidence to do it. No one is going to be able to succeed if they feel like a piece of shit all the time. And "ghetto folk"? "Most ghetto folk?" GTFO.

Now, let's say these people really did get $7K back in taxes. Why should they throw it into a house that is falling apart? That's a money suck. They would get literally nothing for that money if they sunk it into their house. "Saving for a new car." New cars cost at least $20K. Where are they going to get the rest of the money for that? They could buy a used one, but then that one will break and you'd still judge them for their shitty car. Oh, and if they did get a new one? You'd judge them for getting a new car. They cannot win.

Argument 2: 

"u guys obviously live surrounded by suburbia bliss and think everyone on maury is an actor... when you already have an iphone and buy the latest one..not just for you but your 10 and 11 yr old kids have a new iphone... mean while their teeth are rotting out their heads and crooked...  . . . and I have nothing against being a waitress.. i was one for 6 years... the thing is i never meet a single one that claims all their tips that's why they get more back if they have kids... its looks like they make minimum wage... come spend a day in new orleans and just people watch.. 4yr old kids in diapers playing in a garbage can and dirty street water living in a roach infested apt. w/ no a/c while dads in jail and mom is on every assistant program there is dressed to the T. herself.. hair, nails designer clothes... arguing out side w/ some man cussing up a storm calling the little kids all kinds of horrid names in front them.. idk how many times me and another neighbor called cps on those ppl.... and every time the cops came to pick up one of the parents or revive the mom for a drug overdose for the 6th damn time, they never once took the kids... i guess the system doesn't care about black kids..."

1) u guys obviously live surrounded by suburbia bliss and think everyone on maury is an actor. Not sure how sticking up for people in a low tax bracket equals suburbia bliss, to be honest.

2) mean while their teeth are rotting out their heads and crooked... Bad teeth are genetic, not necessarily linked to poverty, but caring for bad teeth takes much more time and money than an iPhone. $5,000 for braces, another $5,000 for teeth pulled, root canals, crowns, etc. Remember they probably don't have dental insurance and all that is due up front. Plus, it's a process whereby they have to get to the dentist routinely, during working hours, and spend hours getting things tightened, adjusted and fit right. Plus, it's a risk, because each time, that shit costs more money, and being poor, the tax return money will most surely be gone well before the three years of teeth repairs are done, and then how are they going to pay for it?

3)  and I have nothing against being a waitress.. i was one for 6 years... the thing is i never meet a single one that claims all their tips that's why they get more back if they have kids... its looks like they make minimum wage... That's because they do. I wouldn't claim my tips, either. Restaurants pay well below minimum wage to account for this. Don't worry about the restaurants. They're getting theirs.

4) I'm not even touching that last bit because eff you. I require citation. I've been to New Orleans, I've walked in the bad areas. Citation needed, please. What I will say is this:

You're right, the system doesn't care much about black kids. It's a huge problem and one you complaining about them getting money you don't get isn't going to fix.

Argument 3: (when told it's not her business)

"it is if your kids are at my house asking for food and other shit... your right next time i'll tell them, look your hungry go home its not my business... i see a dude screaming at a 3 year old to shut the fuck up or he'll beat the piss out of him..i'll just mind my business.. and when he kills the kid i will feel perfectly fine having not done something sooner...just like u... uh no... look you live in your bubble of selfishness and i'll watch out for the kids.."

1)  your right next time i'll tell them, look your hungry go home its not my business... You need to pick a side, middle class. Either you care about the welfare of the children or you do not. But threatening to start withholding the food you obviously begrudge the children you're giving it to because some people on the internet told you it wasn't your business what the family spent their tax money on is asinine and ludicrous and makes you look like the worst of both worlds. Either you want them to have food and money or you don't. This goes triple for the assault situation. You're mixing your arguments and trying to muddy the point and it does not behoove you. If the people are bad off, and you're that mad about it...help them.

This reply on the thread says it better than I can:

"If you're going to extend a helping hand to kids that's great but if you can't do it without being a judgmental asshole about their parents then you're really not doing them any favors, you're just doing what you can to make yourself feel better for being a judgy douche. I was one of those kids, and I know how it feels to have someone "helping," me while judging the fuck out of my mother for our shitty station in life and guess what, I HATED people like you growing up, even if they were trying to "help" us. You know what it did? It made me not want to ask anyone for help. Ever. Because I knew that they were going to judge us."

AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE.

After going back and forth over this for a long chunk of primo Oscar-watching time, the final comment ends with this:

i have a 100$ phone.. a cracked nook and drink wine out the box... but my house is paid for.. no mortgage..and so are both my cars... so there is a bit of info for you all to make assumptions about... have fun with it..

All of that judgement, that hate, that vitriol, all of that incredibly hardened and stereotyping behavior...it all comes down to her being angry that she has to live with a $100 phone, a cracked nook and boxed wine. And her husband works 6 days a week, 12 hours a day for them to be able to afford even that, according to her.

And that's it. That's it right there. That's what's wrong with everything. The middle class has nothing, gets nothing, is nothing. And someone, somewhere, convinced them to blame it on the poor people.

You are fighting the wrong enemy. Look up, not down. It's the extremity of the capitalist society that has whittled away the last shreds of middle-class dignity. It's the exorbitant tax breaks and ridiculous tax write offs of the rich that contribute to this, not the attempt to dole out what is left fairly, in accordance to tax bracket and income.

Your boxed wine isn't your neighbor's fault, dude. It's your husband's boss's boss's. Let's start there. Can we go back to the beginning of it all and just start there?




 

French Meatpie - Guest Post

We all know by now that I'm not much of a cook, nor can I take pictures. But Sarah over at The Answer Is Garlic can do BOTH. Amazingly. Here's her awesome recipe for French Meatpie. I'm laughing just thinking about how my pics of this would have turned out.

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One of the reasons I love cooking is that food is very nostalgic to me. This recipe is one that's been passed around my family for a long time. I always think back to a few years ago, when my parents and I were making a trek to Wegman's to get supplies for Thanksgiving dinner. My mom asked me to call her mother (my Memere) to ask if she had any requests. She asked me to make a "meat stuffing". Confused, I asked her what was in a meat stuffing. She said "Oh, you know. Beef, and pork. And potatoes. And those spices, and onions and garlic." I said that it sounded like the base for meat pie, and she said "Yes! That's what you make out of the leftovers. I'd like a meat pie." We laughed, because according to my mom, they'd never made stuffing like that, but they sure did make meat pies for holidays.

This is the ultimate in comfort food, for me. It may sound weird to you if you've never had a meat pie, but trust me, it's wonderful. Spicy and homey, and it will certainly fill up your belly. Peasant food is good that way.

Full disclosure: I cheated with this and used a pre-made pie crust from the refrigerator section of the grocery store. I know, it's shameful. I really am not fantastic at making homemade pie crust, no matter how easy everyone tells me it is. I'm working on it. In the meantime, there really are tasty pre-mades out there. You don't even have to tell anyone.

I think one of the keys to this pie (and most ground meat dishes, really) is using both ground beef and ground pork. Ground pork doesn't have a ton of flavor, but it's lighter, and really adds moisture. I use equal parts here, about 3/4 of a pound of each. You can also substitute ground turkey, chicken, veal, bison, lamb or meatloaf mix here. Just be sure to use a combination.

Another key to getting the perfect texture to this pie is one I almost forgot about. When I was pulling this together, there was a flurry of emails with my cousin Nicole and her mom, my Aunt Sue, as well as my own mom, about ingredients, proportions, timing. It's such an old family recipe that none of us (save maybe my Aunt Sue) has it written down anywhere, we make it from memory and asking each other the parts we forget. Nicole and I both forgot that one of the most important binders in this recipe is very, very finely diced potato. It's diced so small that it all but disappears into the filling, but it's essential in holding the pie together and thickening it up. I used a few Yukon golds, but a russet would work nicely as well.

It's also important, when browning the meat, that you break it up as finely as you can get it. You don't want any chunks of meat OR potato, you want it to be wholly incorporated and broken down. Sometimes I cook the meat first, pull it off into a bowl, and then cook the diced onion and garlic. Then I add the meat back and cook in the potato. Sometimes I saute off the onions and garlic first and then cook in the meat (it really depends on if I am feeling ambitious enough to drain off some of the fat. This time, I did not feel so ambitious).

Once this is all combined, it's just adding the liquid and the spices and really developing the flavor before baking it off.

Cook it all down until the potatoes are soft, then break them up. I think an important step at this point is pulling the meat off the heat and giving it time to cool before adding it to the pie crust. This helps ensure that the bottom crust cooks up crisp and not soggy. No one wants a soggy bottom crust.

This is an excellent time for a glass of wine. You can't make a French dish without a glass of wine, am I right?

I like to egg wash the bottom crust before adding the filling as well as the top crust.

Bake and enjoy!

French Meat Pie
double pie crust (homemade or store bought)
1 large white or yellow onion, diced
3-5 cloves of garlic, minced or grated (my preferred method is grated)
3/4 pounds ground beef
3/4 pounds ground pork
3-4 Yukon gold potatoes, very finely diced
1/2-1 teaspoon ground clove (or more to taste)
1 teaspoon ground allspice (or more to taste)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon (or more to taste)
1-2 cups stock or water
1 egg, wisked with a few TB of water to make an egg wash
3 TB butter or olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
ketchup, for serving

Preparation
Pre-heat oven to 350°. Prepare and set aside pie crusts, or take out pre-made crust and bring to room temperature.

Heat a large heavy-bottomed skillet over medium-high heat and add butter or olive oil. Add in onion and garlic, season with salt and pepper, and saute until soft, 5-8 minutes. Add in ground beef and pork and cook, breaking down, until all the pink is gone and it's very combined and fine, about 10 minutes. Season with clove, allspice and cinnamon and stir to combine (note: clove is a strong spics. I go heavier on the cinnamon and allspice to start, and then adjust to taste). Add in finely diced potato and the water or stock (the liquid should just about come up to the level of all the ingredients in the pan, use as much as is needed to do that) and simmer until potatoes are soft and the liquid is absorbed, about 10 minutes. When soft, mash a bit with the back of a fork to break up the potatoes. They will still be visible but start to combine, and will break down fully when baking. Taste the mixture and adjust seasoning as needed.

Move the mixture to another dish or allow to cool, stirring to help it along. This should take about 15 minutes, but it's a crucial step to the ever-important non-soggy crust.

Roll the bottom crust into a 9-inch pie dish. Brush with the egg wash. Spoon the filling mixture into the crust and smooth out so it's even. Roll the top crust over the filling and crimp the edges. Egg wash the top, and cut a few slits in the crust for the steam to escape.

Bake at 350 for a half hour, or until golden brown. You may need to use foil or a pie crust protector to prevent the edges from getting too brown. Allow to cool for a few minutes before cutting, to let the filling set.

Slice and serve with ketchup. Trust me on this one.

Comfort food defined

Notice how broken down the potato gets

Mmmm flaky crust

I know it sounds weird, but the sweet/tang of the ketchup is perfect with the spice of the filling

For more real recipes and mouthwatering pictures, stop by The Answer is Garlic!


 

Ask a Cleaning Lady - How Do I Keep It Clean?

Today Smibbo has an incredible list of ways you can make cleaning easier on yourself. And Lord knows I need them.


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By far the most common question I get when I show up to a job is “What can I do to make sure it doesn’t get like this again/keep it clean?”

Well, that answer always tends to be a bit long so here we go…

1. More trash receptacles. Not once have I ever seen enough trash receptacles at a deep clean site. In my opinion, every room where you do something needs a trash receptacle, whether its tiny or huge. I’m still amazed people will have a room that is obviously their favorite, where they spend the majority of their time but not ONE trash receptacle anywhere! Or if there is one, its at the other end of the room, usually overflowing because the receptacle is tiny and decorative.

Look, if its a place you rest your bones and veg out, you’re going to need a place to put your trash. Unless you get up for every snack, every nose blow, every manicure, you NEED a trash receptacle by your favorite resting spot. And it needs to have a bag. Because favorite resting spots tend to get all manner of trash, not just paper. If you don’t use a bag, the receptacle itself will begin to smell funky over time.

If you’re a parent, you need AT LEAST one large receptacle in every room. If your child is old enough to run, they are old enough to learn to throw things away properly. Let it be one of the FIRST things you teach them. Let it become automatic. IF you impress this rule upon them at 2 or 3, they will be doing it without thinking by the time they are ten. Trust me. Older kids often are a big help here because they get to be tiny dictators to the younger ones.

2. Better lighting. Most places I am hired to clean, I end up pulling curtains back and opening doors because its too damned dark to see. Once I do that, I can see all the nasty dustbunnies and fur balls that have accumulated in the corners and along the baseboards. So when you have been cleaning, you didn’t see this stuff, so you didn’t clean it. Then to your great astonishment, the place you just cleaned a couple of days ago, looks hopelessly filthy again in no time. That’s because all the stuff you didn’t see? It rolled around and covered everything in a fine layer of new filth. If you can’t see it, you can’t clean it. Add more lamps, get higher wattage bulbs, whatever – just add more light. It always looks nicer too.

3. Designate a place for your shoes and socks. People have no idea how much crap they track in from outside. If you start parking your shoes when you come in, you will notice a big difference in that wave of dirt that keeps migrating in from your front door. It won’t cure it, but it sure will help. Plus, when you go to bed at night, you’ll see the bottoms of your sock and have a better idea of how clean or filthy your floor really is. If you see me walking around my house with my shoes on, its because I know my floors are filthy and need to be cleaned. Going shoe-less is more comfy anyway. I’m surprised more people don’t do it. I know some people like to take their shoes AND sock off when they come home. For them, I say put a small clothes hamper by the shoe dock.

4. Stop using bar soap. Okay, this one is a biggie for me because its so prevalent yet so, so nasty. Bar soap is comprised of many things but one of those things is fat. That fat does not rinse completely away. Every time you use bar soap, you leave a tiny trail of dirt attached to bar soap molecules that stick to your shower/bath walls. It takes some time but eventually that dirt trail becomes visible as a brownish coating. This coating is EXCEEDINGLY hard to remove. The longer it’s built up, the harder it is to get rid of. I did one job where I literally scraped it off the shower wall for an HOUR. This was a single-person abode. The customer had never once cleaned their shower. For years. Once I was done, he was blown away at how bright his shower stall was.

Bar soap is nasty, it leaves a sticky icky coating that solidifies into something ungodly. By all that is good in this world STAHP using it!

Use liquid soap. Liquid soap is a different composition. It is detergent, not soap. Which means its actually gentler on your skin as well. More importantly, it rinses clean. Even if you don’t rinse it, it doesn’t build up like soap does. If you like, shampoo will do the job just as well. Just no more bar, I am begging you.

5. Close certain rooms off from pets. Face it, your pet has fur. Your pet sheds. THe fur that it sheds goes everywhere. Fur is fine and delicate and often hard to see. It also sticks to tile like nobody’s business! If I had a curse jar for every time I’ve battled fur sticking to bathroom tile, somebody would have their college paid for in full. I hate pet fur. But I really hate it in a tiled bathroom.

Also, pets do leave effluvia behind when they sit. If you have your room open or your office or whatever, the pet will go in there and sit because that’s where you are. If you can contain the area of contact, it is easier to clean and keep clean. Especially rooms that have off-the-floor furniture (like a bed)

6. Brush your hair every day, in the same place. NOT in the shower. You are asking for a visit from your plumber with all the hair you let slide down the drain. Just brush it beforehand in a place you can easily sweep or vacuum it up later. Or over a trash can. That’s what I do. Even if your hair is short.

7. When you spill something, don’t just leave it there. Don’t just wipe it with a bare paper towel and walk away. Use a spray, a slightly soapy sponge or cloth or even plain water. Once you wipe up what you see, squat down and wipe the area. I guarantee you there is splatter. It may just be a few drops but those drops accumulate over time and darken the walls, doorways, floor, baseboards. If I had a dollar for every time I had to sit on the floor SCRUBBING splatter off of baseboards I wouldn’t have to clean for a living any more.

8. Ladies: Take your tampon out while standing/squatting. NOT while sitting on the toilet. Use a folded toilet paper in your other hand to catch the tampon when it comes out and you won’t get a mess anywhere. Every time you take one out while sitting on the toilet, it swings and hits the underside of the seat and that stuff is HELL to scrub off.

Men: keep a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. Pick a day, any day of the week, and resolve to on that day, wipe behind the seat hinge of the toilet. It is easy, it takes three seconds and it won’t hurt you in the slightest. Just fold some toilet paper, pour a little rubbing alcohol on it, and wipe just behind the seat hinges. Your urine spray accumulates there at a frightening pace. For gawds sake wipe it once a week. And if you have to pee when you’re stumbling drunk, fer crying out loud SIT DOWN.

9. Learn to throw away Kipple. Kipple is the paper detritus that breeds in your home, usually the desk or kitchen counter. Stop saving it. That coupon you think you might use? You won’t. If you really were going to use it you’d put it in your purse or wallet. That offer you got in the mail for a new blahblah at half price? Toss it. If you had really wanted a new blahblah at any price you would have already bought one. If its something you have to really be enticed to go buy, then you probably don’t need to buy it in the first place.
Whatever your weakness is, throw it away. And while we’re on the subject, wherever you usually go through your snail mail, put a trashcan specifically for kipple.

10. Brush your teeth with your lips closed. Preferably bend over the sink somewhat. Stop spraying the mirror: it doesn’t make your teeth cleaner to make a mess while brushing. After you’re done brushing, rinse the sink. It takes two seconds. Use your hand to cup some water, then sling the water at the sides of the sink. Bam! Clean sink.

11. If you go in a non-kitchen room with food or drink that requires a non-disposable container, use a tray or bring a bin with you. When you are done with your food/drink, put the dish/es on the tray or in the bin. You will feel too lazy to take your dishes back to the kitchen right away, but its always likely you’ll be walking by later not doing anything in particular and you can grab the tray or bin and take it to the kitchen.

12. If you don’t want to wash your dishes right away, SOAK THEM. Just pour some water on those puppies before you walk away.

13. When something spills, WIPE IT UP. It helps if you have paper towels or rags in every other room. You can stash rags in drawers, you can hide a roll of paper towels under a coffee table.

14. When you use the microwave, put a paper towel under whatever you’re heating. No exceptions. When you take your food out, you can leave the towel or throw it away. Because there’s a garbage can nearby, right?

15. Groom your pets.
16. Keep a dustbuster by your couch or your desk.
17. When you vacuum, take a second to vacuum the baseboards, the indentations in doors and lampshades.
18. More laundry hampers. I’ve never met a client yet who had enough laundry hampers.

19. Don’t nag your partner/roommate about picking up, give them a list. Don’t even say anything, just leave it where they will find it. They are an adult, they don’t need instructions, but many people do need a list.

20. Pick a specific place for: your keys, your glasses, your cell phone, your lotion, your “important weird thing I need to attend to within a week”, your medicine, your vitamins, your lighter, your cigs/pipe/snuff, and never, ever, EVER listen to your brain when it says “I’ll just put this here for now… I’ll get back to it later” because you know good and well you’re never going to find it again.

Bonus: When you can’t find something, start cleaning up.

For more amazing cleaning tips and hilarious stories, visit Smibbo!