Singled Out, The Parenting Edition

Dating when you're a parent can be really difficult. Not only do you have to like the other person, so do your kids. And they have to like your kids, too. It becomes very muddy, very fast, so what do you do? (And that's even if you have time or luck to meet anyone).

Accidentally Mommy has some advice:

Back in 2010, I wrote a post on Accidentally Mommy, lamenting my struggles as a single mom trying to date. It was an audience participation post, and the couple of responses I received were encouraging the very options I was shying away from: Old flames and internet dating, both of which I had unsuccessfully tried.

Still though, as time went by, I found that my options otherwise truly were limited. So, back to OKCupid and some old boyfriends I went.

The old boyfriends thing, never again. NEVER AGAIN WITH THE OLD BOYFRIENDS TIMES. They are not boyfriends any longer for good reason. Unfortunately, it took a year of our lives and three very broken hearts to realize that. But realize it I did, and we’re all far better off, having had the time since he’s left us bring us the clear understanding that we deserve better.

This post is less about the where’s of dating as a single parent, though. Sure, where plays a part. I’ve done my time on OKCupid, and met some truly awesome people there. None of them have been meet-the-kids types, though. They’re the scratch my back types, if you understand what I mean.

Ironically, the one person I’ve met that is the meet the kids type is someone I…wait for it…work with.

Yep. Dipping my pen in the company ink, folks.

Now, he and I have an understanding right now that we’re not  looking for a relationship, since we both have some extenuating circumstances that we both need to sort out, but for all intents and purposes, we certainly treat our burgeoning friendship like a burgeoning relationship, right down to the awkward text conversations at 2am, and the ebb and flow of attention that comes with not quite knowing what’s going on with the other person’s wants and needs when it comes to the reciprocity of interpersonal interactions.

This man has potential for me, though, which is perhaps why I treat him a bit differently. And I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve broken my cardinal rule. I let him meet the kids.

Yep.

Let that one sink in for a moment.

All the dating sites for all the single parents in all the world scream from the minarets that you should never, ever, ever introduce your children to a potential love interest, whether you’re in that zone or in the friend zone. You don’t get them attached. You don’t get them involved.

Well, I did the unthinkable.

I needed to.

It’s damn hard, you see, to gauge someone’s worth to you, their place in your world, when you can’t see how they’re going to interact and treat the most vulnerable and fragile pieces of your life. I needed to know from the start how he, as a friend, would treat them, so that I could gauge how he, should he ever become more than a friend, would consider them from that point on. It went smashingly well.

He took Bug’s hand without flinching, and paid him all the attention Bug asked for. He engaged Dancing Queen in conversation and made her laugh without trying, piquing her interest with obscure tidbits of history. He made their afternoon even more fun and interesting by pointing out things they otherwise would have missed or just not paid attention to. And when the day was over, he made sure not just to say goodbye to me, but to them, as well. He included them.

Since then, he and I have continued to build our friendship.

Sure, to some of you, this may not be dating. I beg to differ. I am learning, slowly, that this is exactly what dating is. My preconceived notion was that dating involved sex on the first or second date, and getting to know each other from there. This is teaching me that I’ve had it backwards all along. This is teaching me patience, this is teaching me how to know someone. This is teaching me that even if we’re not meant to work out as more, even though we’ve said for now we’re not, that the ride to finding that out is a beautiful, exciting thing.

We’ve had our bumps – times when I can’t gauge what he’s thinking, and I’m too awkward and afraid to ask, because for all I know it could be nothing more than he’s just tired from a long day. Or days where I’m afraid to ask, because I feel like pushing the matter may cross our mutual “not going there right now and not maybe ever” line.

But my gut? My gut says we’re getting there, and that this is how we do it. So maybe use this as your own template, single mom or dad. Find someone. Make them your friend. And then maybe, just maybe, make them more.

 

Let's Play a Game Called Who Can Be the Biggest Douche, AKA Tax Return Time

I'm constantly telling my twins, "look, when you give something away, it's no longer yours. It belongs to the person you gave it to, and you should be happy you were able to make them so happy." Sharing is a big deal in this house, and it's hard. I get it. You don't want to give away what you think is yours. And when I make them share, it's as if this big unfair, stupid hand is forcing them to do what they least want to do. Then they're supposed to be happy about it. (Or at least shut up about it.) But, they're living in my house, and we have a system and to live here peacefully, we all have to obey the rules of that system. Sure they can tantrum about it. But that just makes them look silly, selfish, and like babies.

With that said, I give you this:

What is it about tax return time that turns people into such jerks? Do we not understand how taxes work? If you got $500 back, and someone you know who "doesn't work as hard" gets thousands back, you realize that if they got less back, you still wouldn't get more back, right?

As much as we hate to believe it in the "It's mine, all mine, it should ALL be mine" frenzy that is tax return season, the system we have in place is there for a reason, and when we sign up to make our living in the United States, we sign up to give up a lot of our money into the system. The poor people aren't stealing your money, middle-class folks. Again we're caught up in blaming the wrong people.

If you have children, you get more money back. Because you need it. I know that people without children think they need it, too, but this is the exact reason we don't all rule ourselves in little kingdoms of one. If you want to change the tax brackets, change them up not down. More money should be put in from those at the top (sorry, dudebros, success sucks a little bit, but here's a secret: It doesn't suck nearly as much as failure), not less being taken out by the bottom.

And remember, please remember, it's not your money and poor people didn't take it from you.

The government takes it to provide a nice society for all of us, and depending on your particular needs any given year, they give you some of it back because lol, oops, we accidentally took all your money and held it hostage all year.

Here's the second part, if someone is ever lucky enough to bring in thousands of dollars in tax return money, you don't get to be the tax return police.

Repeat after me: It is not your business what other people spend their money on.

I already know what you are going to say so here:

1) It is their money. Period. I don't care if you think they "earned" it or not. You don't get to make that call. If you want to make that call, go become the head guy of the IRS or something. You don't get to decide who deserves money and who doesn't just because you're someone's neighbor or aunt or pseudo-friend.

2) It's not your business even if you (wrongly) think they're using money you personally put into the system. It is a gift. We are sharing. These people need it. You don't get to give and then cry about it without looking silly, selfish and like a baby. (see above).

Images like the ones above are inflammatory hyperbole, meant to section the middle-class against the poorer classes. And they work easily because those in different classes, even in the United States have no idea how the other people live. We live and breathe the stereotypes given those people.

Earlier in the week, I was involved in a "discussion" about this image on facebook. Many people agree with this picture and raise their hands all rah-rah style about how effed up it is that poor people get to have new phones and toys and clothes at tax return time, when they (the working middle class) are stuck with the same old iPhone model they've had for two whole years now.

I want to dissect a bit of the argument here, in hopes that you will change your mind about whether or not it is your business when a poor person buys their child a tablet or takes a trip to Disney World on their tax return money. I will use real things said in that FB thread to preserve the reality and ensure I'm not putting words in the other side's mouth. They are unchanged in spelling, grammar and sense-making.

Argument 1:

"theres some ppl down the street who have 3 kids all different dads, the wife is a waitress and the step dad is hiding on the sofa waiting on an insurance settlement so, as the 10 yr old tells me they can be rich... they got 7k back in taxes,,, the mom took pics of all the kids holding the money on a tablet and the kid showed me... and like most ghetto folk, they all got there nails and hair did, went clothes shopping and of coarse they all got new phones... instead of fixing up there shitty house.. or saving for a new car or something.."

1) Three kids, all different dads. We're talking about tax returns here. This information about paternity is unnecessary. It holds no meaning in terms of how much money the woman receives for care of her children. It serves only to strengthen the poverty-stricken, single-mom-whore stereotype, and provides a mediocre means for snap judgments. Can't keep your legs shut? Clearly don't deserve money to care for your kids. Since OBVIOUSLY they are unwanted mistakes that you made because you're stupid and wanton. Only that's not the case at all, and shut the hell up. Jesus.

2) The step-dad is hiding on the sofa waiting on an insurance settlement. Okay, first of all, how do you hide on a sofa? My kids tried that when they were little and I, like, found them every damn time. Secondly, this is rather vague and non-sensical. Like, so what? He's not allowed an insurance settlement? You think insurances are just bending over backward trying to give money to people? If he's getting a settlement, he's most likely legitimately injured in a way that even insurance companies have to acknowledge. So why won't you? I give you a D- for trying to insinuate laziness and lack of desire to work without actually knowing anything about the situation and mixing stereotype with something you think you saw or heard.

3) so, as the 10 yr old tells me they can be rich. You know what rich means to a poor ten year old? Rich means he can fucking afford school lunch, yo. Do not use a child's definition of wealthy to determine how much or little a family who "doesn't deserve it" is going to pull in from their "obviously shady insurance dealings". Secondly, any damn thing comes out of kids' mouths, dude. My kids will walk around telling strangers on the street we're poor because I wouldn't buy them a Tootsie Pop. Chill.

4) the mom took pics of all the kids holding the money on a tablet and the kid showed me... and like most ghetto folk, they all got there nails and hair did, went clothes shopping and of coarse they all got new phones... instead of fixing up there shitty house.. or saving for a new car or something. Yes, God forbid poor people get to post pictures of something nice they got. They not only don't deserve to buy it, they certainly don't get to show their friends that they're attempting to live a real-person life. And those tablets won't teach the children how to function in the technological age, those phones won't be used to upload resumes or conduct job interviews, the hair and nails certainly won't help them look presentable to a potential employer. Ever hear of "Dress for Success"? Not to mention, in order to make life-long, durable changes, people need the self-confidence to do it. No one is going to be able to succeed if they feel like a piece of shit all the time. And "ghetto folk"? "Most ghetto folk?" GTFO.

Now, let's say these people really did get $7K back in taxes. Why should they throw it into a house that is falling apart? That's a money suck. They would get literally nothing for that money if they sunk it into their house. "Saving for a new car." New cars cost at least $20K. Where are they going to get the rest of the money for that? They could buy a used one, but then that one will break and you'd still judge them for their shitty car. Oh, and if they did get a new one? You'd judge them for getting a new car. They cannot win.

Argument 2: 

"u guys obviously live surrounded by suburbia bliss and think everyone on maury is an actor... when you already have an iphone and buy the latest one..not just for you but your 10 and 11 yr old kids have a new iphone... mean while their teeth are rotting out their heads and crooked...  . . . and I have nothing against being a waitress.. i was one for 6 years... the thing is i never meet a single one that claims all their tips that's why they get more back if they have kids... its looks like they make minimum wage... come spend a day in new orleans and just people watch.. 4yr old kids in diapers playing in a garbage can and dirty street water living in a roach infested apt. w/ no a/c while dads in jail and mom is on every assistant program there is dressed to the T. herself.. hair, nails designer clothes... arguing out side w/ some man cussing up a storm calling the little kids all kinds of horrid names in front them.. idk how many times me and another neighbor called cps on those ppl.... and every time the cops came to pick up one of the parents or revive the mom for a drug overdose for the 6th damn time, they never once took the kids... i guess the system doesn't care about black kids..."

1) u guys obviously live surrounded by suburbia bliss and think everyone on maury is an actor. Not sure how sticking up for people in a low tax bracket equals suburbia bliss, to be honest.

2) mean while their teeth are rotting out their heads and crooked... Bad teeth are genetic, not necessarily linked to poverty, but caring for bad teeth takes much more time and money than an iPhone. $5,000 for braces, another $5,000 for teeth pulled, root canals, crowns, etc. Remember they probably don't have dental insurance and all that is due up front. Plus, it's a process whereby they have to get to the dentist routinely, during working hours, and spend hours getting things tightened, adjusted and fit right. Plus, it's a risk, because each time, that shit costs more money, and being poor, the tax return money will most surely be gone well before the three years of teeth repairs are done, and then how are they going to pay for it?

3)  and I have nothing against being a waitress.. i was one for 6 years... the thing is i never meet a single one that claims all their tips that's why they get more back if they have kids... its looks like they make minimum wage... That's because they do. I wouldn't claim my tips, either. Restaurants pay well below minimum wage to account for this. Don't worry about the restaurants. They're getting theirs.

4) I'm not even touching that last bit because eff you. I require citation. I've been to New Orleans, I've walked in the bad areas. Citation needed, please. What I will say is this:

You're right, the system doesn't care much about black kids. It's a huge problem and one you complaining about them getting money you don't get isn't going to fix.

Argument 3: (when told it's not her business)

"it is if your kids are at my house asking for food and other shit... your right next time i'll tell them, look your hungry go home its not my business... i see a dude screaming at a 3 year old to shut the fuck up or he'll beat the piss out of him..i'll just mind my business.. and when he kills the kid i will feel perfectly fine having not done something sooner...just like u... uh no... look you live in your bubble of selfishness and i'll watch out for the kids.."

1)  your right next time i'll tell them, look your hungry go home its not my business... You need to pick a side, middle class. Either you care about the welfare of the children or you do not. But threatening to start withholding the food you obviously begrudge the children you're giving it to because some people on the internet told you it wasn't your business what the family spent their tax money on is asinine and ludicrous and makes you look like the worst of both worlds. Either you want them to have food and money or you don't. This goes triple for the assault situation. You're mixing your arguments and trying to muddy the point and it does not behoove you. If the people are bad off, and you're that mad about it...help them.

This reply on the thread says it better than I can:

"If you're going to extend a helping hand to kids that's great but if you can't do it without being a judgmental asshole about their parents then you're really not doing them any favors, you're just doing what you can to make yourself feel better for being a judgy douche. I was one of those kids, and I know how it feels to have someone "helping," me while judging the fuck out of my mother for our shitty station in life and guess what, I HATED people like you growing up, even if they were trying to "help" us. You know what it did? It made me not want to ask anyone for help. Ever. Because I knew that they were going to judge us."

AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE.

After going back and forth over this for a long chunk of primo Oscar-watching time, the final comment ends with this:

i have a 100$ phone.. a cracked nook and drink wine out the box... but my house is paid for.. no mortgage..and so are both my cars... so there is a bit of info for you all to make assumptions about... have fun with it..

All of that judgement, that hate, that vitriol, all of that incredibly hardened and stereotyping behavior...it all comes down to her being angry that she has to live with a $100 phone, a cracked nook and boxed wine. And her husband works 6 days a week, 12 hours a day for them to be able to afford even that, according to her.

And that's it. That's it right there. That's what's wrong with everything. The middle class has nothing, gets nothing, is nothing. And someone, somewhere, convinced them to blame it on the poor people.

You are fighting the wrong enemy. Look up, not down. It's the extremity of the capitalist society that has whittled away the last shreds of middle-class dignity. It's the exorbitant tax breaks and ridiculous tax write offs of the rich that contribute to this, not the attempt to dole out what is left fairly, in accordance to tax bracket and income.

Your boxed wine isn't your neighbor's fault, dude. It's your husband's boss's boss's. Let's start there. Can we go back to the beginning of it all and just start there?




 

Guest Blog: Blend the Families; Keep the Love

Today, I am lucky enough to have a phenomenal mommy blogger from Accidentally Mommy guest posting for me. She is a happily single mother of two, and she's got some advice on how people can raise a loving blended family.

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Buzz words.  We've heard many new words and phrases pop up over the last decade or so, particularly in the parenting world.  "Lactivist."  "Intactivist." "Babywearer." "CIO." "Bloggers."  They are not all so austere sounding, though.  "Baby Mama Drama."  "Baby Daddy Drama."

Blended families are not a new concept.  So why is there so much focus on them all of a sudden?  What has changed so much to make people dub the negative that goes along with the uniting of two pre-formed halves of a home a "drama?"

There are a lot of theories.  Personally, I go with the conspiracy - they're all Mel Gibson clones.  From Mars.  Because Pluto isn't a planet, it's a dive bar.

I kid, I kid.

Blending families together outside of the KitchenAid in today's American society is uniquely challenging.A resurgence in stay at home parenting has caused many a custody battle, based on the fact that the parent choosing to remain in the home can theoretically provide a more comprehensive and supportive home environment.

In addition to that, the internet era is a blessing and a curse.  Bullying each other via email, besmirching the other half on facebook... even anonymized blog posts pointing out how the evils of the other half have hurt and damaged the family dynamic are commonplace.  (I confess, the last is one I myself am guilty of.)

It's not all bad, though.  Well, not in most cases.

Photographs, videos, even live feeds can be set up to provide a more united front for the children at special events.  Skype enables mom or dad to read bedtime stories when they are the "off" parent.  

Cellphones put the other home, including siblings, at the touch of a button without any fear of denial or disapproval from the "on" parent.

But what can be done to really BLEND families?  How do we make two intricate storybooks that contain all of the best literary devices and more into one cohesive tome?

We don't know.  I don't know.  That is the bittersweet beauty of it all.  The journey is always morphing and changing, revolving around the raw emotions of two to four (or more, for the Poly's out there,) adults, and the raw emotions of the little people we're blessed to have in our lives.

The key to surviving it all for me is a skill that I have instilled in my children since birth: adaptability and an open mind and heart.  Step parents aren't always wicked, and the red-headed step child isn't always covered in cinders.

We recently took our first family vacation with all three children, and none of the ex's.  Just us, the kids, and the beach.  We had our hiccups and our moments of fretful worry, but I did what I've always told my children to do, and it worked.  Faith, Trust, and Beach Pixie Dust made it all worthwhile and enjoyable for everyone, including Blueberry Nights.

Just remember, in times of darkness AND light: Love propagates love.  No matter the drama that may exist between the adults, the love shown to the children will eventually penetrate both homes, softening the stoniest adversaries and reinforcing the already strongly bonded homes.  Like raising them in general, this aspect of parenting doesn't come with a manual.  The best we can do is lay down our own tracks, in directions we hope that our children would be proud to follow should they need to in their day.

You can see more of her family adventures over at Accidentally Mommy. I recommend it!

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