It's 7 a.m.; your newborn is crying. Time for a morning feed, then you may as well get up for the day. Struggle to get the pot on the boil, rub your eyes, and start getting breakfast ready.
It's 7 a.m.; your alarm goes off, blasting you out of bed. It's just as well; you heard your baby stirring anyway. Stumble into the nursery, change baby and get him milk, toss on your business wear, kiss baby goodbye, brush your hair in the car, and get to work 10 minutes late, anyway.
It's 7 a.m.; your kids are playing downstairs. Now they're fighting. Time to get up. Race downstairs, break up the fight, change and feed them, start preparing for the day, make breakfasts and lunches, fold the laundry, look at the clock and wonder how it's noon already.
It's a hard job to be a parent. These are just the three scenarios I've lived through. Single mothers have a different and even more difficulat morning struggle, while families with two working partners also have to get the kids to daycare before getting themselves to work (I assume 10 minutes late, as well.)
In all this hustle and bustle, preparation and execution, it's easy to lose yourself. It's more important, after all, to feed the kids and tidy the living room a bit than to shower. You can always shower later. You can always get dressed later. You could even put on jewelry or fashionable jeans, but would it even matter? Who cares if you are a hot mess, right?
When I first became a stay at home mom, I made a few promises to myself. I would get dressed everyday. I would get the babies out of the house at least once a day. I would clean at least a room a day. For the most part, I've made good on these promises. (I fully admit, the cleaning sometimes takes a hit.) But I should have been more specific. My attire frequently consists of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Our outings sometimes take us only as far as the garbage cans in the back of the complex. And sometimes it's all I can do to get the dishes in the dishwasher. Maybe these aren't your priorities. There are many mothers who feel complete in sweats and like playing inside with the kids. Maybe, though, they'd like to exercise more than they get to. Maybe they'd like to read a book. But it seems so selfish to take that time for yourself, no matter what the activity. There are other, more important, things to be done.
So that it doesn't seem like a big deal to skip the shower - or the sit ups, or the next chapter - at the time, but little by little the lack of you in your life will take a toll. You slowly begin to feel not good enough. You could be perfect and just not feel good enough.
As a good friend of mine said, "Everybody has these thoughts. Mine usually go like this: "I should shower. I should put clothes on, but who would notice. It doesn't matter. I don't matter."
And that's the key right there. It's a short jump from it doesn't matter to I don't matter. And you do matter. Most importantly, you are the rock on which your children will build their lives, but you are also so much more. If you feel like you don't matter, even subconsciously, your kids will pick up on that. So even if you can't pick yourself up for you, try to do it for your kids. It seems like taking time for yourself would be detrimental to them, but, really, anything that helps you, helps them in the long run.
You need to take the time. It doesn't have to be a dramatic change. Keeping a piece of yourself day by day will take only a few minutes. You don't have to take an hour and read an entire book. You don't have to take a luxurious bath. You don't need to meticulously make yourself up. You don't need to do a full 90-minute workout at the gym. Remember, in time, you will get these things back. Babies are not babies forever.
For now, though, compromise. Take a moment to match your top to your skirt, if that's what matters to you. Read a few pages after you put the kids down for a nap, or, if you work, after you put them to bed for the night. Do kid-friendly exercising if that's your thing. I'm told babies love yoga workouts and obstacle courses. Or wait until you put them down, and do a workout routine at home. Then take a shower. You'll find that you'll still have an hour, at least, to clean or cook or finish that sewing project for the kids.
There is time for everything in your life. It is up to you to make it.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Moment of the Week - 11
My babies know who to call. Do you? Singing and dancing to Ghostbuster Theme. Why? Because they're awesome.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Toddler Tricks - 11
Ways to Trick your Baby:
Problem: Once your baby sees her Halloween costume, she's not going to want to wear anything else. Ever. You don't want her to eat or sleep in it; you don't want parts lost or stained. But it will be very difficult to save the costume for Halloween, itself. Especially if your child goes to daycare or preschool. They probably have already worn it at some party or parade.
Solution: Tell your baby you need to wash the costume, and you'll give it right back to them. This works especially well if they are about to take a bath or a nap. I find if I can calmly explain to my kids that something needs to be washed, they give it up in trust that they'll get it back.
Ways your Baby Tricks You:
Problem: Your baby is not going to magically cease to desire to wear her costume after the holiday has come and gone. In my case, I sense, we will spend a lot of time playing bee and ladybug.
Solution: Make this a game and give it a name. This way, you can promise it, do it, and put it away when you're done. There is no reason your babies can't play dress up with their Halloween costumes for months to come. If you call it the Dress Up Game, or something similar, they won't be living in their costumes, and you've added another game to the pile to quell boredom on rainy days.
Problem: Once your baby sees her Halloween costume, she's not going to want to wear anything else. Ever. You don't want her to eat or sleep in it; you don't want parts lost or stained. But it will be very difficult to save the costume for Halloween, itself. Especially if your child goes to daycare or preschool. They probably have already worn it at some party or parade.
Ways your Baby Tricks You:
Problem: Your baby is not going to magically cease to desire to wear her costume after the holiday has come and gone. In my case, I sense, we will spend a lot of time playing bee and ladybug.
Solution: Make this a game and give it a name. This way, you can promise it, do it, and put it away when you're done. There is no reason your babies can't play dress up with their Halloween costumes for months to come. If you call it the Dress Up Game, or something similar, they won't be living in their costumes, and you've added another game to the pile to quell boredom on rainy days.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Foreigners from the Womb
Babies learn language in a way I never remember learning anything. Having nothing to go on, it's clear they understand words and phrases before they can make their tongues say those words and phrases. And when they do start speaking, it's in approximations. Their brains take what they think they heard and make it a word. And that word sticks.
Much of my toddlers' unique pronounciation comes from skipping letters or syllables. Step becomes sep. Foot becomes foo. Dora becomes Doe-a. Video is vidi. Pineapple is apo. Banana is nana.
They'll often replace a letter with another letter that's easier for them to pronounce. Moon becomes moom. Stop is shop. Stuck is shuck. Down is dowm. Finger is finging. Milk is mook. Spoon is a combination. It becomes poom.
Sometimes, they completely replace a word with another non-sensical word without a second thought. In this way, Blankie has become Bean. Cookie is Googooleegoo. Orange juice is O-june. I find that the earlier they come up for a word for something, the longer it sticks. For instance, my twins still won't say thank you because thank you was one of their first phrases. Only it came out like "Da daaa." So now they get confused because it doesn't sound the way they remember it sounding.
Sometimes the word they use to replace the correct word makes sense in its own way. So that buttons become dots. Dogs become oof-oofs. Shovels are spoons (or pooms, more like). The moon for a long time was a ball. Sometimes the sun is the moon, especially in books.
Many words they use sound like the same word, differentiable only to me. Hat and hot, for instance. Radio and video. Draw and drawer. Cheese and please.
I know you're not supposed to mimic their baby speak back to them, but sometimes, I find I just can't help it. If they want mook, I ask them if they want mook. When they say "HO-kay! AWW-wight!" I giggle with glee.
The baby dictionary is varied and interestingly assembled - a collection of parts that really do make sense as a whole if you let yourself think about it. I truly feel like I am privvy to something incredibly special. I get to see the mind learn as it would with no structure applied. I get to see that mind take off all on its own.
Much of my toddlers' unique pronounciation comes from skipping letters or syllables. Step becomes sep. Foot becomes foo. Dora becomes Doe-a. Video is vidi. Pineapple is apo. Banana is nana.
They'll often replace a letter with another letter that's easier for them to pronounce. Moon becomes moom. Stop is shop. Stuck is shuck. Down is dowm. Finger is finging. Milk is mook. Spoon is a combination. It becomes poom.
Sometimes, they completely replace a word with another non-sensical word without a second thought. In this way, Blankie has become Bean. Cookie is Googooleegoo. Orange juice is O-june. I find that the earlier they come up for a word for something, the longer it sticks. For instance, my twins still won't say thank you because thank you was one of their first phrases. Only it came out like "Da daaa." So now they get confused because it doesn't sound the way they remember it sounding.
Sometimes the word they use to replace the correct word makes sense in its own way. So that buttons become dots. Dogs become oof-oofs. Shovels are spoons (or pooms, more like). The moon for a long time was a ball. Sometimes the sun is the moon, especially in books.
Many words they use sound like the same word, differentiable only to me. Hat and hot, for instance. Radio and video. Draw and drawer. Cheese and please.
I know you're not supposed to mimic their baby speak back to them, but sometimes, I find I just can't help it. If they want mook, I ask them if they want mook. When they say "HO-kay! AWW-wight!" I giggle with glee.
The baby dictionary is varied and interestingly assembled - a collection of parts that really do make sense as a whole if you let yourself think about it. I truly feel like I am privvy to something incredibly special. I get to see the mind learn as it would with no structure applied. I get to see that mind take off all on its own.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Hanging On
As I was making breakfast this morning, I heard my babies take direction from Dora and repeat after her in clear English, "Bridge. Tree. Tall Mountain."
My heart twinged a little bit. Nothing documents the extremely fast passage of time like a baby growing up. It's bittersweet for me. Their baby babble is disappearing. Soon, they'll be able to express themselves clearly at all times. The made-up phrases that only I can understand will vanish, replaced by the correct words for those desires.
They're putting words together now, in simple sentences - a rudimentary English, with no verbs. They understand possession - me, mine, yours, Dulce's, baby's, mama's. They delight in differentiating.
Last night, when my husband came home from work, they spent ten minutes telling us whose belt was whose.
"Dada belt!" they shouted, pointing at his belt. Then they raced over to me. "Mama belt!" Over and over again.
Each developmental step is as cute as the last, but I cannot help but feel a fleeting sadness over phrases long-gone extinct. And I will forget them, just as my babies already have forgotten them.
"Yook!" they used to say, pointing at anything and everything. "Yook, yook!"
We haven't heard "yook" in months. In fact, I would have forgotten they ever used it, much less dozens of times a day, had my step-father not asked me why they weren't saying it anymore.
As word approximations are used, then discarded for better, more correct words, the old attempts at verbalization get lost. A few weeks ago, my babies would wiggle their tongues and make unintelligible sounds, playing at talking. They hardly do that anymore. If their tongues garble their sentences, they stop. I see them concentrating, willing their mouths to speak the correct words, the words they see in their minds. They pause and slowly try again, pronouncing each syllable with intent.
How blessed we are to see such quick and marked growth, to see the making of a person, to shape that making day by day. How hard the babies work to grow, to catch up with their parents. If I used even half as much of my brain as they do daily, how much I could achieve. Babies never rest, they are always learning.
It's us, the parents, still hanging on to phases past. Still hanging on to our babies.
My heart twinged a little bit. Nothing documents the extremely fast passage of time like a baby growing up. It's bittersweet for me. Their baby babble is disappearing. Soon, they'll be able to express themselves clearly at all times. The made-up phrases that only I can understand will vanish, replaced by the correct words for those desires.
They're putting words together now, in simple sentences - a rudimentary English, with no verbs. They understand possession - me, mine, yours, Dulce's, baby's, mama's. They delight in differentiating.
Last night, when my husband came home from work, they spent ten minutes telling us whose belt was whose.
"Dada belt!" they shouted, pointing at his belt. Then they raced over to me. "Mama belt!" Over and over again.
Each developmental step is as cute as the last, but I cannot help but feel a fleeting sadness over phrases long-gone extinct. And I will forget them, just as my babies already have forgotten them.
"Yook!" they used to say, pointing at anything and everything. "Yook, yook!"
We haven't heard "yook" in months. In fact, I would have forgotten they ever used it, much less dozens of times a day, had my step-father not asked me why they weren't saying it anymore.
As word approximations are used, then discarded for better, more correct words, the old attempts at verbalization get lost. A few weeks ago, my babies would wiggle their tongues and make unintelligible sounds, playing at talking. They hardly do that anymore. If their tongues garble their sentences, they stop. I see them concentrating, willing their mouths to speak the correct words, the words they see in their minds. They pause and slowly try again, pronouncing each syllable with intent.
How blessed we are to see such quick and marked growth, to see the making of a person, to shape that making day by day. How hard the babies work to grow, to catch up with their parents. If I used even half as much of my brain as they do daily, how much I could achieve. Babies never rest, they are always learning.
It's us, the parents, still hanging on to phases past. Still hanging on to our babies.
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