Rehoming the Shoes

It was my birthday the other week, and one of my daughters bought me what she considers to be the end-all, be-all of shoes.

And I mean, she's right on. They are glorious. But seriously. She's basically in love with them.

This made what should have been a joyous occasion one fraught with tension and tears, as I tried, like the step-sisters, to shove my big old mammoth man feet into the size eights she'd bought me.

I'm a size nine.

Of course, right after that we went on vacation, so today was the first day we were able to go back to the store to get the next size up.

Only not. Of course not.

They didn't have any nines. Okay, no problem. There's a lip quiver, but, don't worry, baby, they'll just order them and we'll pick them up later.

Nope.

Apparently, there is not one pair of orange peep toe heels in a size nine on the planet Earth. And they're never going to make any again, either.

This went over just about as well as you would imagine.

After crying some quiet, actually heartbreaking tears about this matter of greatest importance, Dulce grabbed the orange peep toe off the display rack. She cradled it like a baby.

"I picked again, Mommy!" She was very proud of herself. "This one! See! I found it!"

When I explained to her that it still wasn't my size, she went around to every person in the store and asked them if they  had a size nine of the magic orange shoe.

No dice.

She had to come to grips with the fact that she had to pick another shoe.

But before she did, she went around the whole store again, this time trying to find a home for her beloved shoes.

"Wouldn't you like to buy these shoes?" she asked every single person there individually. "I'm sure they must have them in your size."

She had no success. Apparently all the fervent orange-shoe buyers had already made their purchases.

Eventually, after soothing her for a long while, and then soothing my other daughter who'd gotten upset that "it's all about Dulce" and who also now wanted to pick out shoes for me, we were able to decide on a new pair.

I'm wearing them today, even though they are very high and very blue.

Here's to not breaking my ankle. Here's to hoping Dulce's orange display shoes found a good home.






 

Epic Shoe Adventure

Sometimes, when you move, things get lost. They get tossed out, or you're sure you packed them, or suddenly you're just down a couple dozen books you were sure were in your bookshelf (me.) Sometimes, you have helpful spouse tying up loose ends, and they simply tie them up too tightly. And that's where our scene begins.

The weekend before last, my husband rented a big, old UHaul truck, and we stacked our larger furniture, paintings, beds and bookshelves inside. We hadn't packed beforehand, so after we brought the truck back, there was still plenty to do, boxes to tape, things to give away, you know.

Over the weekend, my husband had said something along the lines of, "I got rid of half my wardrobe! We don't need to bring all that stuff."

And that's what was running through my head as I looked quizzically at the expensive brown shoes in the middle of our almost-empty master bedroom.

Surely he didn't leave them behind on purpose? But all the other shoes were gone, and these lone survivors were out in plain sight...right near the donation pile. I looked again. But I would never donate these, I thought. Of course, I took all my clothes (save my excessive number of 1990s pantsuits).

You know, it's hard to give away suits that got you your first few jobs after college, right? No? Anyway, they're gone now. Along with those shoes. I threw them right in the bottom of a 30-gallon trash with all his other clothes on top, and hauled it off to the Goodwill.

Three days later...

"Oh my God, where are my brown shoes? I can find every single pair of shoes, except the ones I want! I'm sure I packed them!" At t-5 minutes until he had to leave for work, I thought it might be a bad time to tell him that perhaps he didn't, after all, pack them. I stayed quiet, earning a confused and slightly distraught look from him as he most likely wondered why I, shoe-queen, did not feel his pain. As he walked out the door in his definitely-not-brown shoes, I posted on my phone to Facebook:

"That awkward moment when your husband is very clearly looking for shoes he's sure he packed, but you know he left behind...and you brought them to Goodwill two days ago. Operation shoe recovery to commence at 12:30."

And it did. As soon as I dropped those kids off at school, I picked up more stuff to donate, and drove right back down there.

Hairied and in emergency-mode, I pretty much scared the pants off the poor guy taking donations. He'd dealt with me the other day, and so kind of already knew my New-England-talking-way-too-fast-and-intensely-for-you ways.

"I brought in a bunch of stuff the other day! Do you still have it?"

"Out...on...the...floor," he answered in Florida-slow-drawl-style.

"There were some nice shoes in there, did you see them?"

He shook his head.

"If they were nice, miss, they're prolllllllly gone." So. Slow. When. You. All. Talk. Seriously.

I finish unloading and rush into the store. I find the women's shoes, and a woman working on them. I ask her my questions and she looks at me like I've lost my mind, and points me to the men's shoes. I run over there. The shelves are nearly empty.  But there, on the third row down, a pair of nice brown shoes!

Huzzah!

I shout out loud, and a man who's looking at the shoes startles. I pick them up. Man, it must have been a few days since I saw them because they look just slightly different. But it was meant to be. Armed with my husband's shoes, I walk proudly up to the counter and tell them my sordid tale of woe.

And would you believe it, they even gave me half-price. Best $5 I ever spent.

With the blessed shoes in hand, I texted my husband in jubilation. The conversation is too funny to leave out.

"Just bought your shoes back from Goodwill. Hahaha!"

"OMG, really? Wait, bought or brought?"

"Yes. I had a feeling you had left them behind because when packing up, I remember thinking damn, he went crazy getting rid of stuff. I loved these! So when I dumped today, I asked about them. They'd already made it to the floor. So nice, even Goodwill marked them for 10 bucks."

"Haha. You had to buy them back."

Over the course of the day, he told his brother, who, of course, blew my cover.

"She knew this morning!" he said.

When my husband asked me that, and I said yes, he was shocked. Hah. It was just a bad time to say anything, know what I mean?

Where were the shoes, he wanted to know. And I proudly pointed him over to his chair, where they sat in a plastic bag that said "Thank You" on it.

Grinning from ear-to-ear he opened it up. And the smile faded. And the shoes clattered to the ground.

"These are not my shoes." He was totally disgusted. Other people's shoes don't really do it for him, I guess.

And I was like, yes, of course they are not. They are far too pointy, and too dark in color, and there was no scuff on the top of the toe on his shoes.

I knew all those things. I knew them. But I ignored them, so excited was I about being able to be jubilant.

And so our shoes are gone. Long now on the feet of someone who doesn't mind other people's shoes.

My Facebook status, of course, after that, read: "Oh my God. Just kidding. Those were not his shoes."

To everyone's delight.

Who wants a happy ending anyway?

Shoe Slice

You know those Facebook photos that are supposed to make you feel bad about your life? The ones with the camera-angled legs tapering down to perfectly pedicured toes in front of a majestic ocean view? Enough, I say, of the silly, cliched foot photo. Let's keep it real.

On Friday, May 17th, in the afternoon, I posted a status on Facebook about another mom commenting on my shoes. It had been meant as a one-off joke, but then, one of my friends posted her shoes, tagging me in the photo. And the shoe slice was born. Taking place entirely on one Friday afternoon, I asked people on my Facebook friends list to post pictures of their shoes. This is what happened. (It's important to note not only the shoes, but the background slices of life we get, you know, when we're not in Tahiti or in Malibu. Because of this, I will not be cropping or editing these pictures at all. What you see is what you get.)

Tracey Baker Birch is lounging at home sans shoes while her children (only one shown) play the recently discovered Minecraft.

Just about to get off work, Alicia Helyer is going to do great things with her Friday night.

Mother Amber Ashgardens. Look at that floor, folks. Sparkling.

Ashley Austin is a girl I went to high school with who has only gotten more amazing with age. She posted these shoes with no comment. Look at them. They don't need a comment, do they?

Caitie George hates shoes!

Cecily Luft posts with trepidation. She suffers what many of us do...biased hatred of our own feet. She's wrong though. This is an amazing shoe shot.

It's not all about the women (just mostly!). Father Chris Johnson as seen freshly pedicured for his daughter's enjoyment. Now there's a dad.

New(ish) mom Emma Wade shows off her rad polish, which got several comments on Facebook.

Janel Copeland wins for smallest adult feet. So I had to make her picture extra big.

Kate Allen is pregnant and is making plans for her last pre-natal pedicure (although they look fab to me).

Preschool teacher Kylie Rogers had the day off today and graces us with our first smarmy vacationish picture. But she deserves it!

And what kind of blog would this be without the kids? Maggie Casson gets in on the action, proving what we already know...that moms can't do anything without the kids wanting to try is. And also that kids' feet look adorable in adult shoes on wrong.

Now, when I started this project, and more and more people started sending in their shoes, my wall became cluttered with the pictures, and people started questioning me.

I got shoe pictures with disclaimers like "I don't know what this is for, but Darlena asked for shoe pictures and here's mine!" And "Why am I doing this?" And "Shoes and awesome socks, just for you. Do I even want to know why?"

But the posts kept coming.

Michele Fleury posted these gems and got the joke, "Hey, the cool kids of my sixth grade called...they want their shoes back!" Which may be true. But I also want her shoes and I only wish I could have been cool enough to don them in the sixth grade. For real.

Odessa Denby in her new shoes for college graduation. You know, just hanging out.

Mom Sarah Rocha Tormey chilling in the car with her gorgeous nails.

Tobi Wolf can't wear shoes, but her surgery isn't getting her down.

Tiffany Johnson Hunter in CO where "the weather doesn't know what it's doing." But, seriously, it doesn't.

My brother, Thomas Mariani, ladies and gentlemen. In New York City. Seriously, even the floor is hipster chic.

Jessica Blizzard didn't send in her shoes. But she did post this hilarious status update:

"So. Once upon a time I was a cyber slut. During this cyber slutdom, a guy messaged me and told me he and his buddies had a joke website about feet. He'd pay me anywhere from $50-$150 to send a picture of my feet. He couldn't send me the link because the site was "under construction" ... I didn't send him a picture of my feet. Later down the road, he desperately messaged me asking me to role play with him and he'd pay me $300. After the whole creepy foot thing, his ass got blocked. Weirdos. Are you him?"

I died laughing. No. No, I'm not him. See? My site's not even under construction or anything!

Teacher Tanya Noreen lives in a place where there are spiders as big as your feet. Must protect them.

Russell Wait in Mississippi. "Shoes and a butt," he says. He's not wrong!

Monika Costa was in the middle of cleaning her carpets. And what a good idea this is, no?

Coming in with some of the most coveted shoes of the bunch, Melanie Greeke is just plain awesome.

Second kid pic of the afternoon! Maddie Fink in her rockin' high tops, on a killer throw rug. Yes.

Not a beach, but at least Kristen Robinson's feet are up!

Joella Striebel posted her shoes and was told immediately and lovingly "I spy hippie feet!"

Jackie Monk in tasteful sandals with...is that a cat in the background?

My friend from high school, Tim Percoski, shoots me a picture while on his way home from a fire call. Because amazing.

The picture that started it all...Emily Santanella posted her Converses to me in a discussion about SAHM shoes. Can you believe she actually apologized for that rad floor?

Fellow preschool mom, Cheryl Russell has not only a very-wanted nail shade on the old FB friends list, but also the second most-wanted shoes!

And sometimes, you're like Cathy Dodge. In an airplane, checking your FB, and boom! Time to post your shoes!

Preschool teacher Alyssa Lord throws her Florida toes into the mix!

Alex Nguyen was in the middle of a craft project (because, um, she's always doing a craft project...for real), and took time out to photo her socks for us just before they got eaten by those green monsters from the DOS 1980s era!

Alison Beaten has cooler slippers than you. And me.

Andrea Wagner! Caught her in a rare casual moment.

Ashley Ray Taylor has rainbow toes and apparently the same tile that I have in my current bathroom/

Cassandra Gill stole these shoes from her son. Probably because they are awesome.

Channon Goodrich left her flip flops on the deck!

Important to note, as we take a shoe pic break that Emily Santanella told me "I'm well aware I'm not some fancy, glamorous mom who wears heels to preschool!"

I responded: "Replace glamorous with ridiculous, and you're spot on."

Donnelle Belanger-Taylor lives in New Zealand. Like Tanya, she has to cover up because have you even seen the bugs there?

Can you even believe I know someone cool enough to have those  we're-pretending-to-be-your-feet sneakers? Thank you, Greg Elfers!

A little while after posting the request for shoes, and getting an enormous response, I asked if I could post the pictures with people's names attached. The answer was an overwhelming 'yes!'

Bree Casson: "I have shoe pride, not shoe shame!"

MayAnne Luthor: "I will own up to these shoes all day long!"

Alex Nguyen: "I have no problem owning up to my awesome stripey socks and creepers!"

Cecily Luft: "Sure, I have no shame."

Kimberly Wright: "I love my shoes. No shame in my game."

Hep: "Yes, but now everyone will know I dress like a toddler."

Meghan Morey, being awesome in California.

Jennifer Kappert's photo makes me feel oddly nostalgic.

Katy Pika is a creative genius, and she wears her shoes accordingly. True facts.

Sometimes, when you're a mom, you can't even photograph your feet without someone sticking a ball on them...as Leeanne Campbell Lee found out.

MaryAnne Luthor, everyone! With Vans I owned in 1992 and tiling I would kill for! Loving. It.

Mike Provencher: "My shoes are fantastic pieces of art. I haven't worn them for three months with the sole not actually fully attached to the rest of the shoe to NOT be famous for them."
Robin Provencher: "Oh, for God's sake, will you just buy yourself another pair of shoes?" 

Mom Alison Gayton, sporting the type of nail polish I have about nine months out of the year!

Angie Pugh shows off her laces and her amazingly clean carpet!

Janel at one point said: "This shoe thing is actually pretty cool!" I replied, "I'm saying!" And the following conversation took place:

J: "I think perhaps one of the best parts of it is all of us explaining to our other friends, "umm, Dar said to.""

Me: "I know! Jackie is here and she's like, wow, you just ask for things and people do it!"

J: "I really hope you're rubbing your hands together and cackling. It'd just be a waste not to. ... And it was at this point Darlena realized she actually had minions."

Jackie: "She's totes cackling like an evil genius. It's made of win all around." 

However, it's not that I have minions (though, I now have a new lifegoal.) It's that shoes are interesting.

Mother Beth Andersen gives a shout out from rainy Washington!

Bree Casson totally cheats and puts on some shoes just so she can take a picture of them!

Carrie Masters sends in two sneakers and a finger.

The perfect shoes for watching Blues Clues as sent in by Elizabeth Kratz DeBacker!

My old college roommate Helen Kostopolous Bril is 30 weeks pregnant. Honey Badger don't give a damn!

Jennifer Jackson Bloom spends a lot of time up in the air, flying on silks. When she's on the ground, she wears rad loafers to die for.

What would a shoe post be without Jepeczenka Hep Svadakovic weighing in with her awesome?

Katie Grosvenor says she always wears lace-ups because of  Flylady. I...have no idea what that means.

Mom Kimberly Wright with self-caption "because who needs to wear shoes like an adult, right?"

Stay at home wife of awesomeness, Leona Joy Colon and her sweet tiling!

These are my shoes. They started this whole thing off. I'm super amused that of the dozens of pictures I then received, my picture was the one uncentered, blurry one. Hah!

Moira A. Parker says hello from Starbucks on her Friday afternoon.

Patricia Anne Fredickson models a pair of ballet flats that I have myself, too!

Raeven Zayas brings us our second shot of orange nails and white sandals! Looks like this is a trend this year. Kind of. Okay, not really, but still. Orange and white, take note. You saw it here first.

Sarah Stanford, everyone, in loafers, that, wow, I want so hard.

Sascha Fernandez throws polka dots and hardwood flooring into the mix ending our project on an up note.

And there you have it. The shoe slice. Dozens of people from all over the world, in all different phases of life, at all different ages, doing all different things, yet all simply living their life. Almost 70 different pairs shoes that people were wearing from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. on Friday, May 17th.

Talk about a slice of life.