SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

"Hi, honey! I'm thinking meatloaf or burgers for dinner. What would you like?"

"Um, meatloaf. Do we have the cheese?"

"YES. WE HAVE THE CHEESE. I'LL MAKE IT WITH THE CHEESE."

"OKAY. GREAT. I'M GOING TO GO FOR A RUN WHILE IT COOKS."

"SOUNDS GOOD. SHOULD BE JUST ABOUT DONE WHEN YOU GET BACK."

"PERFECT. HAD A GOOD DAY AT WORK TODAY."

"OH YEAH?"

"YES. SO AND SO IS REALLY FUNNY."

"WHAT'D HE SAY?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN THEY GO TO BED."

I don't know if this happens to you, but in this house, adult conversation is severely frowned upon by those shorter than four feet. They'll be off, playing on their own, perfectly happy...so long as my husband and I are not talking to each other. The moment they notice us interacting in a way that doesn't involve them, the background noise slowly beginsto crescendo. We don't even notice until it's too late. Suddenly, we're screaming at each other about our days, or small observations we've had. Yelling at the top of our lungs to hear each other over the din. It's only after we've been doing this for a sentence or so that we realize what's going on and can the conversation.

The way the children do this is brilliant. Usually they don't even come over to cling to us. They do it from afar.

"Blardee blah doo blo doo wop bleeder blah," slowly turns to "BLIEDER BLUEDY LALALALAALALA, ELMO'S WORLD," slowly turns to "I'm PWINCESS MAMA. MAMA. MAAAAMA! DADA? DADDY? I'M PWINCESS!"

It seems that children's egos (at least my children's egos) cannot yet handle even a moment that does not revolve around them. Rather, they can't handle any togetherness that doesn't involve them. If I'm cleaning or cooking, for the most part they're fine. It's only when my husband and I try to talk. And it's only when we're talking about things that are not the babies. As long as the conversation revolves around cute or bad things the twins did today, they leave us alone to our chit chat.

Any other form of conversation, though, and they subversively grow louder and plead for attention until we finally give up.

You win for now, babies. Until I can figure out a way around this, or you figure out that you are not the only ones in this house.


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Identity is Important - Part I, A Twin's Journey

My twins are growing up rapidly, their minds grasping concepts that sometimes even elude me.  Yesterday my husband was explaining to one of them that she couldn't jump and dance in the bathtub because she could get really hurt.  The babies replied: "Then one baby."

They understood that should one of them get really hurt or die, there would only be one left. The magnitude of this thought for a two year old makes my mind spin.

Another concept that they are coming around to is that of their separate identities. They identify this by using their names.

My twins have very different personalities. Dulce is the sweetheart - accident prone, happy, eager to please. She has HULK SMASH RAGE when you piss her off, but barring those extreme circumstances, she's quite docile. 

Natalina is the schemer. Smart as a whip, she always wants to try things she's not supposed to be doing. She's an explorer, a rebel. Being in her parents' good graces means little to her. Or so I thought.

Over the past few days, Natalina has started saying, "I'm Dulce!" At first, I thought it was just Natalina being Natalina, trying to upset Dulce just for the fun of getting a rise out of her. I would correct her. "No, you're Lilly. Now stop upsetting Dulce."

But this morning, Natalina was adamant about this. She was Dulce. The argument was coming to blows by the time I got over there to step in. I began with my normal spiel to Natalina about how she is NOT Dulce and could she please stop being mean, when a lightbulb went off in my head.

"Oh, my goodness!" I said. "If you're Dulce, then where is Natalina? I miss Natalina so much. Oh, I love her so much and I want to see her. I need my Natalina. I need Lilly. Where is she? Oh, mommy is so sad. Lilly is gone and mommy is so sad. She misses Lilly so much."

Dulce tried to point out to me that Lilly was, in fact, sitting right there. When she couldn't get through to me, she grabbed my face and kissed it, trying to make me happy again. Finally, Dulce caught on a little bit and told me to ask Bean where Lilly was. I did. When Bean told me that Lilly was sitting right there (You see, it couldn't have been Dulce, because part of the underlying problem is Natalina feels like Dulce is dictacting her life.) I turned and saw my Natalina. Beaming at me. Ready for a hug.

She needed to hear that she was important. She needed to hear that she was loved and would be missed. Her personality is such that she receives discipline a tad more than Dulce, and I was naive to think she didn't notice. She noticed and right now can't grasp exactly why. Her mind had maybe jumped to the most egotistical (and thus easiest) explanation. Mommy doesn't like her as much as mommy likes Dulce. The only way to fix this problem, then, is to be Dulce.

"I'm Dulce," she said. And, I, at first, still not getting it, solidified her theory as Natalina still got reprimanded, even as Dulce.

I'm so thankful I accidentally searched deeper. It's something I must always remember. Surface problems, especially if they begin to recur, are not surface problems. What I thought was an annoying attempt to upset her sister, was really a serious plea to help her face an identity issue.

Of every important lesson toddlers learn at this age, loving, accepting and securing their identities must be one of the most important. We, as adults, who already have our relationships with our identities cemented for better or for worse, must remember that identities don't come automatically with birth. They must be learned, cherished and loved.

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Tales of an Unlikely Mother is on Babble.com. We're number 14, just scroll down and click on the thumbs up!