The Great Gender Hiccup -- Guest Post

A Night Fury dragon drawn by my four year old daughter.

This is the story of a boy and his dragon.

No. Wait, scratch that. This is the story of a girl who is about to turn five. A girl who loves princesses, long dresses, painted nails, the arts, and a dragon named Toothless. Toothless is featured in over a dozen books, two movies, even an animated series. She adores everything that features this dragon, so it comes as no surprise that she wants her upcoming birthday party theme to center around this icon.

The How to Train Your Dragon franchise conveys something that speaks to so many children (and adults) so clearly. It speaks about a love between a boy and his best friend. Love applies to all genders, does it not? It also relays a story of friendship, trust, family, death and the art of problem solving. The latest movie recently won a Golden Globe, and it’s been nominated for an Oscar.

So you can imagine the frustration of this particular parent finding that according to retailers across the globe that 1) Items from this franchise are currently out of stock with no sign of it coming into stock, 2) retailers who do carry it decree that dragons are for boys only, and 3) girls will only express interest in the female characters of any given series, so we’re not going to bother making anything gender neutral.

Obviously, this isn’t limited to dragons. This actually applies to many other characters.

Want to host a party featuring a certain boy explorer and his jaguar companion? Well, if you have girls coming, retailers suggest that it’s best to include his younger female cousin and her pet monkey, because only boys can play here. Want to have a theme featuring kid pirates that go against a hooked captain that has been featured in stories for over a century? Chances are, you’re going to have to wade through hopelessly gender stereotyped favors and toys geared only toward boys. How about a party featuring singing princesses and their animated sidekicks for your son? Surrreeee, you can have a party if you omit the princesses and stick with the sidekicks. Let’s not rock the boat though, we have an image to maintain!

While I, for one, am frustrated with the fact that these franchises are completely neglecting 50% of a potential market, I know I’m not alone. Across the globe, there are groups working to convince corporations to stop gender marketing, and let kids choose what to play with. One group, ‘Let Toys Be Toys’ over in the United Kingdom has worked successfully to help remove gender marketing from fourteen different retailers and counting.

Toys R Us franchises in Sweden collaborated with Top Toy to completely remove gender stereotypes in 2012. Catalogues featured boys playing with dolls, girls playing with archery sets, and both cooking together in play kitchens.

With this level of success in Europe, the casual shopper would be led to believe that here in 2015, retailers in the United States were with the progressive program. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. Just walk into any toy store at the mall or your nearest Big Box store to see for yourself. It’s no better in party supply shops or online. Even Etsy segregates by gender. If the big name chains and websites are to be believed, “Girls can’t possibly like dragons, safaris, or pirates. Nor are boys allowed to like any characters that sing, unless it’s a talking snowman or a prince trying to woo a princess.” With this sort of line of thinking, ending gender marketing in the US won’t happen any time soon.

What can we do as disgruntled parents when corporations refuse to end the gender marketing? While lobbying to end gender marketing has not been successful here in the US, we as consumers can keep pushing to make that change. Word of mouth, phone calls, petitions and letters are all wonderful ways to work towards gender equality, certainly. But what about groups that blatantly ignore consumers and demographics? What then?

Let Toys Be Toys suggests that consumers should not be afraid to take their business elsewhere. Further, consumers should explain exactly why they are leaving. It’s a little less stressful than organizing a boycott, certainly. But for that little four year old who still wants her dragon, and that little 5 year old boy who wants to sing like Elsa, what about them?

I’d like to offer a couple of suggestions. First, let’s break the gender stereotypes. Draw, sew, or even buy that dragon (or gown, doll or toy set) from businesses that don’t gender market. Let them sing to their heart’s content, or soar on dragon’s wings. Create your own theme and party ideas utilizing those beloved characters. Utilize the art of playing make-believe with your child, and see what kind of scenario unfolds.

I’d like to share one successful non-gender marketed story. Last month, my daughter’s preschool had a Frozen Wonderland party that was well attended by both boys and girls. They did not market the event to a particular gender set at all. Instead, they featured all-inclusive activities. At the event, the kids built snowman, explored a maze decorated with bubbles, glitter and fluffy fake snow. Kids feasted on popcorn and shaved ice before gathering to sing songs together from the movie. It was a wonderful event, and the kids are still talking about it weeks later.

It’s my hope that my daughter won’t have to be boxed in by gender marketing as she gets older. To promise her that she too can have her own dragon is my first step. To make our voices heard comes next. I hope soon, those retailers take steps to end gender marketing in favor of a more inclusive strategy.

...

Jill Redding is a mother and blogger at PianissAmma.

It's not men keeping women back in the workforce

When women speak up in the workplace, they are viewed in a negative light, that is, when they're not interrupted by men first, according to a new piece in the New York Times. Women who contribute new ideas and expand upon business management information are viewed as aggressive and suspicious, whereas men doing the same thing are considered driven and 'take charge'.

Women are considered incompetent until they prove otherwise, which they do by working 2.5 times as hard as men, while men are considered competent until proven otherwise. This is the way of the world, and more and more studies on leadership and business are backing it up.

I posted this piece on my Facebook the other day, and immediately a nice guy (a real nice guy, not a Nice Guy) I went to high school with started hemming and hawwing about semantics and scientific methods and research. All in the name of 'finding the root of the problem.'

That root, for so long, has been considered to be a problem with women themselves. They're not as committed as men. They're forced to make life choices that don't suit the business world (have a family), they can't be as available as men, etc. Or, sometimes, it's blamed on the system. The glass ceiling, the relatively new phenomenon of women in management needing to rid itself of the training wheels, certain overtly sexist individuals throwing up barriers to woman success, and etc.

In each of these scenarios, there is an implication that it is mostly men who are concerned with holding women back, whether consciously or not. That we are on one team, and men are on the other. That men can support us or not, but that all women wish for and are fighting for the right to be viewed as just as competent as men in their field, should they deserve it.

Because of this misconception, we get men from all walks of life rallying up in defense of their kind, either partaking in one of the two scenarios above: ("if you look at it on an individual level, there are hundreds, nay, thousands of women, who can't commit to the job, who choose to raise families in lieu of their careers; this is not men's faults!") or ("I fight for women in my work place! I know their value and try to help whenever I can. These messages are no longer valid. So many men have come around! We're fighting with you! Stop stabbing us in the back!")

My friend summed it up nicely with his comment on the article

: "What struck me is how often the phrase "...and women" comes up. It seems men and women alike are guilty of the same thing. I wonder if there's any industry where this is less of a problem? I doubt there's any place it isn't... But why is this becoming 'worse' of a problem? Is it a particular generation of manager that is the problem? Is this a problem in other similar countries? IE: is it just America?"

Here's the thing that nearly everyone forgets: Women can be and often are guilty of sexism and misogyny. Because they hate other women? No. Just like most men don't engage in sexism because they hate women.

Feminism is frequently attacked because men feel defensive, as if by wanting equal rights, we are somehow implying that they personally are stopping that from happening. Women will defend men who feel this way, too, and the whole thing goes off the rails because suddenly we're not even talking about feminism. We're talking about a section of society getting their feelings hurt over something they're not guilty of, over something feminists never said they were guilty of.

So if it's not men, and it's not women, and it's not the newness of the system, then, my friend rightly wonders, what the heck is it? Why do both women and men view an ambitious, talkative, creative woman as a threat, where they view the same kind of man as a boon to their organization?

This intensely interesting piece, which shines light on the change of treatment due to gender in transgender people, shows clearly that throughout life, throughout careers, throughout industries, this different framing thrives. Men are simply treated better. By everyone.

Why?

Because we are not fighting the conscious thoughts and desires of men determined to keep women off their turf. Those days are gone, and most feminists know that. We don't need to defend the fact that "not all men" treat women as less-than in the workforce.

We are fighting a finely tuned and deeply ingrained notion of gender roles and gender traits in society. We are up against an institutionalized problem of unconscious or subconscious ideas about what women should be and what women are. We have ingested since birth the tenets that women are more scatterbrained than men, that they don't have forward-thinking ideas, that they are catty and vindictive, that they simply don't do the same caliber work.

No one thinks this. I know you don't think this.

It doesn't matter. You've eaten the pie. You had no choice. I had no choice.

It's not us against them. It's not women versus men. It's not men holding women back in the work place. It's not women holding themselves back. It's not managers holding them back.

It is the patriarchy. And the patriarchy, I repeat, is not men. It's not you. The patriarchy is the basest organizational structure our society and cultural has depended on for centuries that has etched a pattern in our brains as to how things should be, so powerful that our conscious and acute efforts to counteract that pattern only skim the surface.

Women are held back in the work place because we haven't yet broken out of the mental pattern that tells us that's how it should be. Writings like this aren't meant as complaints, or whining, or to pit one gender against another, or blame any one sect of people for our problems. Writings like this are meant to shift the conversation from the surface of the issue to the deeply ingrained underbelly where the problem really sits. It's a call to action, not because we are guilty of sexism, but because we have control over how this dialogue continues, and we can work together, men and women, managers and employees, to make it better over the generations.

It's not our fault we are where we are, but it is our duty to do better.

There Are No Ten Best Things About Having Boys, Sorry

Dina Relles posted recently on ScaryMommy, who has a huge platform, listing out ten reasons boys are great! Which would be fine, except for that's not what the post was. The post was a blatant, horrid social comparison piece between girls and boys, in which (in the blogger's world) boys emerged as the clear winners. She even starts by saying "gender stuff" is real.

So to her, I say, before you get any legos stuck up in your Batman undies which could also get in a bunch, let's just talk about whether or not "this gender stuff is real." Because it's not.

I mean sure, you throw us a quick sentence link about how not all boys blah and not all girls blah, and then you go on to show how incredibly unique and awesome boys are while painting all girls into one docile, pink corner with your Star Wars laser brush. Come on, now.

In terms of the odd sentences you've heard about boys:

"I only want girls, because boys always leave their mothers."
"I don’t want to have a third, because I don’t want three boys."
"We want to find out what we’re having because we just want to make sure it’s not a boy."

Well, I've never in my life heard those things. Of course, that may be because I have all girls. And I can assure you, those of us with girls get the same darn thing. Oh, and let's talk about those of us with twins. Just take a moment to imagine the kind of talk that goes on about having twins. Okay, good.

Now, I have a little secret of my own: It's freaking fun to raise...kids. KIDS. Boys, girls, whatever, doesn't matter because they are individuals! So, onto your list:

1) The toys are cooler. False. The toys that marketers deem boy toys may be cooler if that's what your child is into. I know plenty of adorable five-year-old boys who love to dress up as princesses and play in the toy kitchen. Princesses might not be real, but fancy clothing sure is, and so is food. Also, trucks and ambulances and buses and whatever aren't just for boys, dude. This has been making the rounds forever, since it's, you know, 2014, and the message is correct and clear:

2) Getting out of the house is easier. You mention shoes, and barrettes, and tights and braids, in comparison to your pants / shirt combo. But there are boys who have mohawks, and boys who have long hair, and boys who do actually care about what they wear. On the other hand  you have my girls:

No barrettes, or braids, or shoes, or even matching clothes. And no effs given.

3) Public restrooms. Here you say "enough said," but actually, that's not enough for me. I have no idea how public restrooms are more awesome for boys than girls. First off, they're totally grosser. Little guy might not have to sit on a seat, but what are the odds that puddle he just stepped in is water? Also, when girls are little and need their moms to take them to the restroom, we don't have to deal with shady people being stupid about whether or not we bring a boy into the ladies' room. (Which is ridiculous and shouldn't happen, and yet it still does.) Anyway, point being, kids of a certain age know how to use a restroom and not to touch anything and everything should be fine, regardless of men's or ladies'.

4) Even if they're all the same sex, they're NOT all the same. Correct. I know this is shocking, but this is true for girls, too. My girls have as much energy as any kids I've ever seen, and I've, for years, said boys will be boys? Nah. Kids will be kids.

5) It’s good to parent someone who’s not like you. "It’s a healthy challenge to raise someone different than you. To try to relate. To understand where they’re coming from. Having two girls gets me out of my comfort zone, and out of my head, to embrace a more physical, tactile approach to the world. And notice things I normally wouldn’t. Like the shape of the rocks near the shoreline. Or the number of red pick-up trucks we pass on a drive up the Turnpike.

My girls are mischievous and spirited. Curious and carefree. They are energy and wonder and play. They need to move and do instead of just be. They will not sit still and just talk. Or listen. But boy do they know how to live life out loud. They’re good for me."

^^Hey! I fixed that for you! And all I had to do was replace the word boys with girls! Looks like our kids would get along, eh? Just because my girls are girls and I am also a girl does not mean we are like each other. At all.

6) We have each other, we moms of boys.

Okay, what are we even doing here? I like my friends' who have boys FB posts about their rowdy little dudes. And they like my posts about having to carry my twins football style out of the Pharmacy because I won't buy them the Hot Wheels they wanted.

Like I really, really hate to keep harping on the same point you keep harping on, but I'd be right in there with you with your 'knowing eye rolls.' And I'm just not sure what world you're living in if you think the girl teenage cliches are any better. Another life-changer, here, you know, I'll also someday be a mother-in-law. As far as being envious of people with It's a Girl Balloons and pigtails, I guess you've got me there. I'd never be envious of any baby, or baby paraphernalia. As far as I'm concerned, I am almost free.

7) They can have it all. YOU SAY: "Or at least have an easier time trying. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think women can’t try to do and have it all—they should. I’ve been there. Done that. Outgrown the (collared) t-shirt. I’ve witnessed firsthand the unparalleled intelligence and efficiency of women who are mothers AND professionals. But I don’t pretend it’s not harder. Would I want my (theoretical) daughter to be a surgeon or a litigator? Not sure. My sons? Go for it."

Okay, this is just the most indescribable crap. What even is this steaming plate of garbage on my computer screen right now? By the time my girls are adults, society (with no help from you, apparently) will hopefully have come farther in allowing fluidity in gender roles, more lenient maternity and paternity leaves, women will make the same as men, and even now, even now, you're right, we can be intelligent and efficient and be mothers. While you get to be happy that your boys can be surgeons and litigators, I'll be working my motherly ass off to make that the same case for my girls.

But what really gets me here, what really gets me, is that you're not sure you'd want your daughter to be a surgeon or a litigator. 1) Why the hell not? 2) It doesn't matter what we, as parents, want our children to be. That's their choice. And 3) Attitudes like yours make my job a lot harder. So thanks. It's my favorite when people perpetuate gender stereotypes because they think they're 'realists.'

8) Boys speak their mind.  You say, blah blah blah, you prefer the company to men than women, they get right to the point, no chatter and--

I just have to stop you right there. Because even if you didn't have boys, apparently you'd still be a dick.

Then you talk about how they may not call you every day (by the way, my husband calls his mother more than I call mine), but when they do, they'll get right to the point. (Because girls apparently will only want to talk about their nail polish and shoes?) And my favorite:

"Have boys. Not bullshit."

Did you just call my kids bullshit? Or did you call the habits you just randomly assigned them based on their gender bullshit? Either way...it's bullshit.

9) They love their mamas in a special way. So. Do. Girls. (Man, I feel like a broken record.)

10) They’re your children, after all. "No matter how many of what kind you have, you’ll love them all fiercely, instinctively, and without effort. They will amaze you and delight you. Every single day. And you won’t be able to imagine your family any other way."

Well, I mean, you didn't even try with that one. As much as all of these are all-kid things, this one is an obvious one.

You may not have pictured yourself being a mom of all boys. I didn't picture myself being a mom at all, least not to twin girls. And we love it.

...It's not that your kids aren't special. They are! I'm not trying to take that away from you. But drawing the gender line and using the arbitrary societal ideology to do so is really saddening to me. Your kids aren't special because they're boys. They're special because they are yours.

 

Chasing Storm: Identity is Important - Part II

At this point, what haven't we heard about four-month-old sexless Storm? From the minute the story hit the papers, we've been hit by opinion after opinion, pretty much split 50/50 support versus criticism.

Let's start with me. My twins are my daughters because that is physically what they are. According to their doctors and what is down below, they are female. Their sex is female. This of course says nothing about their gender. I let them dictate that.

They love dressing up like princesses...even on the potty.

They love playing with race cars.

They are scared of bugs, not because they are girls, but because I'm scared of bugs, and they are learning from me. And that's where the crux of this debate lies.

Some things we are born with. Our physical sexual parts, for example. Some things we gravitate toward based on our own personalities, unassisted by the influence of others. Some things we learn from those around us. When children are young, they are already taking in the entire outside world. They have to learn their name, their family, their colors, numbers, shapes, sounds...the list goes on. In order to do this effectively, they have to have a strong sense of home within themselves. They are not wise enough to look society in the eye at two years old or five years old and tell the world, "hey, it's none of your business if I am a boy or a girl."  Life isn't like the books you read.

"[Storm's father] found a book in his school library called X: A Fabulous Child’s Story by Lois Gould. The book, published in 1978, is about raising not a boy or a girl, but X. There’s a happy ending here. Little X — who loved to play football and weave baskets — faces the taunting head on, proving that X is the most well-adjusted child ever examined by “an impartial team of Xperts.”"

Is it society's business? No. But keeping gender a secret isn't freeing to a child that young--especially if he or she is the only one. It's hindering. It's a weight upon his or her shoulders. My key question when digesting all of this is what if Storm doesn't want to prove anything to society? Are his or her parents any better than the parents that force their boys to be extra manly or force their girls to wear pink, against their wishes? Storm's parents may be open to letting Storm play football or dance ballet, but they are foisting a very big societal issue upon their young one, without his or her consent. The idealistic goal is worthy, I believe. The practical application is a shambles.  They've literally created an army of one, and for no need.

The problem with this whole thing didn't start when Storm was born, as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps his or her parents' experiment would have worked just fine, had they been able to keep it to themselves. The second Storm's mother agreed to a newspaper interview is the second she chose Storm's path for him or her.

"Storm has a sex which those closest to him/her know and acknowledge. We don't know yet about colour preferences or dress inclinations, but the idea that the whole world must know our baby's sex strikes me as unhealthy, unsafe and voyeuristic," she says.

I would counter with the argument that putting your baby in the limelight for a lifestyle you chose for him or her is unhealthy, unsafe and exhibitionist. By going to the news, you've taken the emphasis off of the greater meaning of your decision and placed it squarely on your child.

"[A family friend] understands why people may find it extreme. “Although I can see the criticism of ‘This is going to be hard on my kid,’ it’s great to say, ‘I love my kid for whoever they are.’”"

If you loved your child for who he or she is, you'd be able to let that child figure it out for him or herself. Which is interesting, since that's exactly what you were trying to do with this whole thing. Except you made the decision, not the child. I understand you want to move society along, and I applaud your social awareness, but so far it looks like the world isn't on your level. And the fact that society isn't there yet isn't Storm's fault, yet in this instance, he or she is receiving the brunt of the heat. Because you put him or her there. While it may not look like punishment to you, it may very well be punishment for him or her as he or she clambers to find his or her place in that very society you scorn.

A doctor quoted in the story says, “I believe that [their choice] puts restrictions on this particular baby so that in this culture this baby will be a singular person who is not being given an opportunity to find their true gender self, based on also what’s inside them.”

If you want to force your idealism into reality right now, before anyone else--if you want to be a trailblazer and show the world the error of its ways--I suggest you use yourself, not your child who has no say. 

Storm's father says: "What we noticed is that parents make so many choices for their children. It’s obnoxious."

But by his decision to take away his baby's sex in the eyes of society, Storm's father has made the ultimate choice for Storm. He's decided to put him or her under a magnifying glass for the rest of us to poke at.

My daughters will be girls unless they decide otherwise, not because I love girls more and not because society told me that the private parts they were born with were female. Society didn't tell me that. Biology did. If biology is wrong, the babies will know, and we will go from there. And who knows, maybe 15 years down the road I will have two sons. But I know that I won't willingly force them to face a society so heavy, so big, so over their heads at age two. And, that, I feel, is the best decision for our family. I will let them decide, and I will let them tell me when they're ready to decide. They didn't tell me that when they were born, and they haven't told me yet.

They're busy. They have "learning to do, parks to visit and butterflies to care for." They don't have time to be distracted by gender.

Original article: http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/babies/article/995112--parents-keep-child-s-gender-secret

Mother's letter of defense: http://www.edmontonjournal.com/Baby+Storm+speaks+gender+parenting+media/4871994/story.html


___

Please consider voting for me here! They restarted and I lost my ranking. And if you really love me...Babble is the most important ranking to me, and I'd love you forever.  xxoo

Tales of an Unlikely Mother is on Babble.com. We're number 14, just scroll down and click on the thumbs up!