Ultimate Blog Party - 2013

Participating in the ever-popular Ultimate Blog Party this year (and you should, too!)

 

This year, it looks like Parenting, Illustrated with Crappy Pictures is super-involved, which gives me warm fuzzies, not only because she is hilarious, but also because she judged one of my posts to be the best of the best over at Mum's Lounge last month. Which would probably be a good place for me to start.

This blog is full of Pinterest Fails (sometimes resulting in Shiny Bacon Vaginas (Meghan Millard, 2013)).

Plate of Fail and Shame

Sometimes, I'll come up with the one brilliant phrase I'll ever have in my life and slap it on an e-card. Then that card will literally go viral, and I will throw an internet tantrum about it because He-ey! That was supposed to bring me traffic! Not you! (I hang out with a lot of four year olds. Tantruming is how I roll.) But it's also a pretty good piece on why you should always brand your stuff, no matter how big or small you are.

Yeah, that was me. Bet you didn't know it, huh?

Pee Ess - Go visit my Facebook page where I put up slightly less (but still really) hilarious stuff all the time!

Sometimes I get serious, particularly over issues like marriage equality. This piece was just accepted by Offbeat Families for re-publication. It's the story of my friends who got married and adopted their own family after fostering...all because Connecticut allows people to be people.

Every once in a while, I'll take on a big guy who will totally ignore me. This rant against Frank Bruni and his "Baffled Hymn of a Childless Bystander" was featured on BlogHer last week.



Last, but certainly not least, I'm always good for posting videos of my kids being hilarious brats whom I love dearly!



Which reminds me, I should probably run a brief introduction!

Hi, I'm Darlena. I'm a mom of four-year-old identical twin girls. Here's my family:

When I'm not blogging or parenting, I'm also a novelist, and I had two books come out last month, so if you're into romances, check out Ninette Swann! Somewhere in there I find time to go to grad school for mass communications. I'll let you know how that turns out. Oh! And here's me:

Moment of the Week - 136: Fake Phone Convo

My kid has a fake conversation with herself over breakfast, imitating phone speak excellently. haha


 



 

Preschool Pointers - 32: Nothing Wrong with Nap

Problem:

As kids get older, naps fall to the wayside. They just don't want to sleep during the day anymore, and that's okay. It's part of them growing up. But you've noticed without the sleep, your children can get super tired, cranky, ornery or all of the above, and worse, they have no idea why or even that their personalities have changed in the slightest.


Solution:

Institute a 'quiet time' in the afternoons, where your child doesn't have to sleep, but does have to stay in her room playing quietly, reading or simply resting. After 45 minutes, if she hasn't dropped off to sleep, you can open the door and let her run around loudly once again.

Whether or not she sleeps, this time will help her calm down, center herself, and recharge for the rest of the day. If she does sleep, fantastic (so long as it's not for too long). If not, at least you've re-steered her day, so that any of the high-strung emotions she was feeling settle into a more even keel.

After this time, make sure you feed her. A snack will serve to kick-start her system back up after the afternoon siesta.

 

Regarding Nannies - Contributor Post

Today, I've got a guest post from writer Elizabeth Hawksworth, who also nannies and cares for children on the regular. It's great see another side of this parenting thing.

...
I’ve looked after a lot of children over the years, and never am I so sure about attachment than when I go back to children I’ve been really close to. It’s hard when you leave a child you’ve been really close to. I’ve done a lot of leaving, but I’ve also done a lot of coming back, and I think the relationships I have with children have been forged more strongly when I get to come back to the kids I had such a great closeness with.

This weekend, I was with one of my favourite charges, Glo-Worm, a very bright and sweet 21-month-old. I was her full-time nanny last year for a few months, and we became very close. She was initially distrustful and strange with me at first. It’s been almost four months since I’ve seen her, and toddlers have short memories. But soon after a warm-up period, she was cuddling in close, engaging with me, and enjoying every moment together the way we always did. It made me think about the ways I know children love me and are attached to me. I’m going to share a few with you.

1. They want to be near me all the time: most children I know show their love in touch – they want to hug or kiss you, hold your hand, sit on your lap, or even just be pressed up close against me. I had a little boy who wanted to just always hold onto my skirt or the pocket of my jeans. Now, 19-month Diva and Footballer are two of my charges who show their love in touch – Footballer especially. He needs to be on my lap, his strong arms around my neck, and burying his face in my hair, or giving me open-mouthed kisses (we still haven’t managed to teach him that this is inappropriate, haha!). Diva is just happy to be sitting on my hip while I prepare bottles or food for the kids. It’s nice to have them close, even if I am someone who gets touched out a lot – it shows that they’re comfortable with me and want me around.

2. “I need to show you!”: Kids who want me around want to show me special things. I’ve had grand tours of their homes, intricate discussions on their favourite toys, or been presented with “gifts” of their favourite snack or a special drawing they made just for me. Often when I get in the door, the first thing I’m greeted with is, “Look, L! I need to show you this!” It’s sweet, and makes me feel very special that the children want to share these things with me.

3. They don’t want me to go home: Glo-Worm was my most recent charge, who, I think, would have been quite happy if I’d just moved into her house with her! She never wanted me to leave, and would hop into my arms upon arrival and cry when I left the house at night. Attachment really shows in this way, and though it can be awkward with the parents, I am glad that the child is showing attachment to me, because it means that the child trusts and loves me. I think that also gives parents a bit of reassurance that their child is fine to be left alone with me, even if it’s a bit sad that the child is crying heartbrokenly that I’m leaving!

4. They talk about me positively when I’m not there: I’ve had many a parent pass me on the street and laugh, telling me that their child couldn’t stop talking about the last time that I babysat or the activities we’d done the last time I was over. That’s good, because it means I made a good impression on the child! My favourite part is when the parents ask me when I can come back next, because the child is clamouring for me!

5. The child is not afraid to tell me secrets or come to me when he or she is upset: This is the biggest indicator that a child loves and trusts me. A child who is closemouthed about everything when I’m around is a child who doesn’t trust me. A child who is willing to tell me secrets, hopes and fears is a child that knows that I’m there for him or her. I’ve been the lucky recipient of many stories, secrets, fears and hopes from children, and every time, I feel honoured that they have chosen me as a confidant. It’s what I hope for whenever I come on with a new family, and it’s a reward that is very, very sweet and amazing to me.

I say all the time that I don’t just look after children for the money. If I did, I think it’d be a very unfulfilling, inappropriate job for me. I love the families and children I meet. I have had times where children haven’t liked me, but they’re few and far between. I am honoured to do the job I do, and to earn the love of children. It makes me feel as if I have a purpose, and it definitely makes me feel like I’m in the right profession.

What ways do children show they love you as a caregiver? How do you deal with it when children don’t remember you? Sound off in the comments!






 

A Mother's Knowing Shake of the Head

These days, I don't usually even pay attention to the "baffled hymns" of those who don't have children. They're all basically trying to tell parents what they're doing wrong (not the childless, the "hymns" in question), they're all condescending as hell, and they're all totally off-base. But this. This is the New York Times. I mean, really? Really?

Credit: Earl Wilson, NYT

So, I'd just like to take a moment to address Mr. Frank Bruni's post in the New York Times Opinion Column, "A Childless Bystander's Baffled Hymn".

Let's just start with the first sentence. "Modern parenting confuses me."

Here, let me fix that for you. "Modern parenting confuses me everyone."

There it is. Parenting confuses everyone. From the childless who have to deal with kids running and screaming in their coffee shops, to the moms like me who never really thought about what children actually mean in real life, to the mothers who have painstakingly prepared for every step of the journey. It's a confusing business. And it throws a lot of curve balls.

Before I go further in chronological order, I'd like to just say that the whole op-ed became invalid for me when Bruni used the word "flaccid" above the fold in a parenting piece.

Hahahaha. Now, I know. Not everyone is a 12-year-old boy. But a lot of us are. And while probably 50 percent of people are mature enough not to immediately picture penises when the word flaccid is used, the other half us us...aren't.

And if that was the point (which it could have been, nothing quite gets the message 'impotent' across as flaccid peen), then, still, what the hell? Can we not imagine genitalia while reading about parenting? Thanks for that small favor, from all the adults-who-are-still-really-tweens out there.

Okay, back to business. Let me address a few of the complaints: mainly the million last chances and the attempted diplomatic choice system.

We know these don't work. They are for you. They are for you, the childless person just trying to return that crappy novel to the library, or trying to buy just two items at the grocery store for your glorious childless dinner later one (trust me, it is glorious; if you can, try to appreciate for us while we fish eggshells out of the meatloaf and accidentally wipe raw ground beef on our jeans).

You see, we know we're bumping into you with our overflowing carts and whining brood. We know our decibel level is ten times over the library limit as we try to check out that Tarzan DVD. And we're sorry. The last chance system (while also implemented at home as a way to teach children that they have the power to better their behavior before they get in too deep) in public is for your benefit. Because we have to be there. Many many times, I leave the grocery store because my twins are just too much. Too much whining, too much fighting, too much irrationality, too much everything. But we need to eat, so I'll time us out, outside, then we have to go back in. I don't have the option of leaving all the food there and dragging them home. We need to eat. This is our only chance. It's like an action movie, really.

And even if that's not the case, sometimes, dragging them out and taking them home (which I do if we're at the pharmacy or a park or something) is even worse. Have you ever seen two four year olds weighing 40-pounds each being carried out of a place in a double football hold while they scream "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, mama! Please! Please! Last chance! Please, mama! Owwww! You're hurting me! Waaaaah!" Bet you haven't.

And, honestly, my kids are good. They're amazing actresses. I'm surprised no one has called the people on me when I do this. I look like the biggest asshole on the block. It's like, 'go home to your childless spouse and talk about this over lunch' bad. Seriously.

So, yes, I'd rather give four last chances than look like a sadistic lunatic if it is at all avoidable.

As for choice? That's implemented to stop tantrums. Whether or not it works is up in the air, but its purpose is to keep us quiet and out of your way. Would you rather a mom and kids in the corner discussing diplomatically the qualities of sugar cookies vs. chocolate chip cookies, or up in your face at the counter as the children scream their faces off that they don't want that cookie, they hate that fucking cookie, what is wrong with everyone, GAWD?!

You'd think this was because the kids are spoiled brats, but that's not the case either. You say it yourself: "they’re also not adults, so why this whole school of thought that they should be treated as if they are, long before they can perform such basic tasks of civilization as driving, say, or decanting?"

They're not adults. Therefore, they do mystifying, illogical things all the time. Their priorities are...skewed at best.

"While I have no kids of my own, I have many I can (and sometimes do) lease for the weekend: 11 actual nieces and nephews, whom I’ll be with this Easter Sunday, and perhaps twice that number of honorary ones. I have put in my time around tots and teens, and enjoy them. I have seen my share of parenting, and am not certain what to make of it."

This is because you are not a parent. It's different. Leasing children on the weekends doesn't even remotely count.

And did you ever stop to think that one of the reasons we're all so self-conscious about this parenting thing and whether or not we're doing it right because the internet brings us people like you who poop on our every move? I mean, in your world, we can't helicopter and we can't free-range. So, the only acceptable thing to do is be your parents thirty years ago? Times have changed, and the box society places parents in is small and looked at by magnifying glasses all over the globe and internet. Including apparently, by childless people who write for the New York Times.

Now, here comes my favorite part. You say this:

"I’M (sic) equally confounded by the all-encompassing praise . . . There’s a line between filling a kid with self-esteem and larding a kid with delusions."

You argue that the everybody-wins society is wrong.

Then you say this:

"So parents: cut yourselves some slack. Take a deep breath. No one false step or one missed call is going to consign your children to an entirely different future. Make sure that they know they’re loved. Make sure that they know their place. And make peace with the fact that you don’t hold all or even most of the cards. There may be a frustrating sense of helplessness in that realization. But there’s a mercy, too."

Dude, seriously?

You just spent a thousand words calling me a jerk, and now you want a hug?

Forget this. I don't need your false camaraderie  particular after you just showed what hides underneath, which is a complete lack of understanding of parenting in general.

All of this said, I really do like your second page. You are right, in my opinion, when you get off the naggy, whiny, individual-yet-falsely-generalized crap, and start with the actual generalizations that might be worth something.

So for this:

"I’m struck less by the genius or folly of diverse child-rearing techniques than by the way most of the children matured into who they seemed, from the get-go, destined to be."

Thanks.

Try to understand that it's both. People are going to grow up into the people they are, but those tracts are influenced and as parents we are the greatest influencers. And we are not perfect, and we are unsure of ourselves, and we bumble a lot. But we're trying. Tearing us all down, then trying to tell us we are only doing it to ourselves and let's all hug...well, that doesn't help.