Just get off my back

Internet, I am being hounded.

I first saw this article three days ago being passed around a writers' group. Then I saw it again. And again. And now it's hit the general population with Jezebel picking it up, and I just want to say that I really think it's total bullshit.

Like women writers don't feel shitty enough about their work and themselves at every fucking turn. Like it's not hard enough for us to even send shit out time and again to fucking silence. Or worse, a patronizing pat on the head. We just want to eat, and we'd prefer to do it by practicing our craft, and if we use certain turns of phrases, could you just get off our backs?

I like just.

I like using it, I like writing it, I like the way it makes my fucking pushy as fuck pitches sound. It helps me.

I send out upwards of 15 pitches a week, and I send out double that in follow-ups, so excuse me if I'm just checking in, because, for fuck's sake, that is what I am doing.

I'm not FORWARDLY IN YOUR FACE CHECKING IN. I'm not checking in to see if you've read my awesome fucking idea you've probably already barfed on and laughed about with your coworkers. I'm just checking in on it in case by some miracle of faulty modern magic you missed the email that not only popped up at your desktop at work but probably pinged your phone and got automatically added to three different to-do lists of yours.

I'm just acknowledging that editors are busy as fuck and no, actually, I don't think I deserve a reply just because I had the metaphorical balls to pitch a thing, but just in case you happen to like the idea better today than you did two weeks ago, here is a polite motherfucking nudge.

Dudes, like, what if I just don't feel like being freaking assertive in a follow-up? Does it mean I have low self-esteem? Am I suddenly the next victim of impostor syndrome? No. What if it simply means I have respect for another person's job and life, and silence is generally regarded as a no, so if I'm going to push it, how about I just be freaking polite about something for one time in my life?

And if the answer is no, or more silence, I'm not crying in my goddamn cheese curls and beer about it. I'm sending it to the next editor to nope. Until it gets a yes. So excuse me while I make double sure my first-choice publication doesn't want it in a way that might leave the editor feeling kindly toward me as opposed to having them think, "damn, why does she think the sun shines out her ass? I didn't even like her 839654829672906702 shitty essays in WaPo and Time. Bitch."

You know what I would like people to judge women writers on? THEIR WORK (TM Brooke effin' Binkowski, who is a rockstar).

If some bro is chilling over at Big Publication Inc., and he doesn't go further than my pitch because I use the word "just" in it somewhere, but my clips are stellar, my idea sharp and timely and my turnaround fucking faster than a Palin can get pregnant (too far? probably too far. I'm sorry.), then who is losing out? Not me. I'm moving my pitch to the next bro in line, and dude who can't move beyond one word in the language that indicates respect for his position can just watch something else I do go viral from the sidelines. Whatevs.

I will write my goddamn emails the way I want to write them. I am so sick of these rules. It's like a 1993 romance up in here (anyone else remember that godawful book, The Rules? WHO IS WITH ME?)

I don't need to hear about what semantic bullshit I can pull to suddenly make my words shine off the page. I don't want to twist myself into a pretzel of "this guru tells women to do this to be more like men, and this guru tells women to do that to be true to themselves and this guru says fuck it all, you're a girl so good fucking luck, try not to cry on the way home as you stand on the subway to make room for my manspread junk."

I'm just tired, guys. I'm just so tired of it. What I want in this world is to write an email the way I want to fucking write it and have it be read and weighted by the merit of the content within, and the tone and cadence (of which just is a part), and have them get a feel for the type of writing and person they will be getting by working with me.

And I am a polite son-of-a-bitch. So, yes, I'll just be checking in whenever the fuck I want.

Just get off my back.

A conversation about ableism

The girls learned a new word the other week: lame.

And, as you would assume, everything on the car ride home that day was lame.

The car seats were lame, the puppy was lame, pink was lame.

I know it's just a common word. I know a lot of people say it to mean they don't like whatever they are talking about. I know it's splitting hairs.

But I had to say something.

So, instead of grinning and bearing it, and hoping they'd grow out of using it, I asked them if they knew what lame meant.

They didn't.

So, I told them that it referred to a disability, someone being unable to walk was the example I used. Then I told them that sometimes if they use that word, people who aren't able to walk or who suffer other disabilities feel bad because they're using it to mean stupid, or something they don't like.

Do they not like people who can't walk?

Can the color pink not walk?

If neither of those things are true, I told them they shouldn't use the term.

If they wanted to say the color pink is stupid, that's what they should say, I told them. Better yet, why not just say "I don't like the color pink." That's what they really mean.

Words have meaning, as I always say, and it's important to teach children to say what they mean from an early age in my opinion.

I haven't heard the word lame since.

Most Important Things My Kids Say

If you've been around for more than five minutes,you probably know I'm pretty straightforward. My best friend of 26 years would tell you that, a new friend I just made last week would tell you that. And they'd both be putting it nicely. I have no time for couching words, or passive aggressiveness, or any confusion whatsoever. Is it a positive? Is it a negative? I don't know. Depends on the situation, I guess. I'll let you know statistically in about 50 years.

However, being straightforward, and as incredibly word dependent as I am (how can you not love words, seriously? They are EVERYTHING.) now that my children are old enough to articulate what they want and need from me, they do. Directly. This is amazing, and while I just dumb-lucked into it like I do everything in my life, I highly highly recommend doing it.

How? I don't know, really. I think it's because I am so direct about how I feel, what my anger means, when it's a bad time to talk to me, what makes me feel emotion of any kind, and I've constantly talked at them since birth using all the adult vocabulary I have.

I have very emotional kids. They require absolute presence and lots of patience, neither of which I have, unfortunately. But I'm learning. I'm trying for them. And I'm trying to teach them how to request those things in a way in which they'll receive their desired outcome. And I'm trying to teach them how to appropriately deal with disappointment when they don't get what they want, especially when they ought to get it.

I think it's going well.

I really love these kids.

So, the most important things they are saying to me currently:

"My tummy feels different." 1) I'm hungry, 2) I'm nervous or dissatisfied.

"I want a hug." I need a hug.

"I don't know what you mean." I am not able to picture the simple process you are describing and this is frustrating to me, indicating not only a breakdown in communication, but a chasm of self-doubt as I berate myself for not understanding you. I will need a hug in two minutes.

"You don't know what I mean." I am utterly frustrated with your complete inability to given me what I am asking for, not only in terms of what I am physically saying, but also in terms of my bodily cues. I have expectations about how this situation should be going currently, and I cannot articulate them without changing how I feel the situation should be going and further confusing myself. I need you to do your best to magically figure out exactly what I need, or somehow push me past the boundary of this mattering so very much.

"Can I do it again later?" I hate what I've just done, but I know you want to move on, and I now know you hate it when I tantrum about perfection and I will always lose this battle. Will you allow me to think I will be able to go back to this and fix it to my liking later, so that I can move on knowing that everything will be okay at the end? (They never go back to it).

"Do we have more?" I will forgo the pleasure of this treat if it is limited in quantity. I need to see the exact specs of my situation to feel comfortable here.

"I'm just going to run away and cry." I have absolutely no idea how to handle the emotion I am feeling in this moment, and I would prefer to lose control without your judgment. I feel alone and unwanted. (I never let them run away and cry, btw. These turn into long hug sessions.)

"Why aren't we talking about me?" I brought up something that you thought was general, but actually I need validation and support that my identity and strengths are valued here. You've misread what is going on. Please support me.

"I think you care more about Lilly/Dulce than me." You are giving my twin a lot more attention right now probably for a very valid reason that I don't care about at all. I need to be assured that I am also desired and loved and that I don't have to be sick/hurt/crying to be so.

"I love you." I love you.

And the best thing that they say?

Every single time I say, "Hey girls, guess what?" They reply, "You love me."

If that's the only message I ever get through to them, I will be happy.