It's my own fault, really. I only get to go out to the movies like twice a year, and I knew from the Internet that Trainwreck was not in any way the feminist comedy I wanted it to be.
But, because of that, I altered my reasons for seeing it, and thought, well, at least it will be kind of funny.
SPOILERS START HERE
At least it won't be a sappy, silly, woman-realizes-she's-been-living-life-all-wrong-without-a-man romcom.
I was wrong. So wrong.
In this ridiculous film, Amy Schumer isn't edgy or modern at all. Simply having a woman say upfront things about how she is feeling isn't omg-cutting-edge. And worse, the reason that is supposed to be funny is that somehow we still think women can't say what they're thinking or point out that they are uncomfortable in certain situations. So, to the general public, Schumer is basically saying things they think a man would think in situations. A hilarious role reversal! A barrel of laughs at every turn. A woman who doesn't like spooning and says so? Get outta here.
Way worse, however, is how quickly this quirky character changes her tune when she meets the right guy. Suddenly it's all tears and realizations that her whole life was just a blustery lie to cover up how scared she was about not fitting into society's mold for women. She was never meant to be a whore, dude-bros in the audience! She just hadn't found you yet! And she can change, dear God, she can change. Just give her like four months of prep work, then literally two days of cramming, and voila! A woman making a huge show for a guy she pissed off by being rightfully upset at him coming at her during a function where she got a fucking call from work.
And critiquing the content like this gives the movie too much credit because it assumes the storyline even falls together just a little bit. Which it does not. There are no motives behind all these grand gestures and evolutions. There is no tension or coherent strand of character development. Plot devices are thrown in willy-nilly without even a bandaid for the viewer whenever the movie needs to make a sharp left turn. It's as if a team of 12 different writers took turns writing a paragraph of the script each, passing the pages around the table in order until it was done. And it's all lifted from other stuff!
Look, I loved Sex and the City as much as the next young 20s girl in the aughts, but goddamn it, Amy, that shit was only funny then because it was a different time. A worse time, to be honest. And not only is the main character just a mix of those four women who were much better done 12 years ago, there are literal scenes taken right from the damn series. Like the couple's fight, for instance. The SNL guy comes out from a luncheon where Amy's been pretty under-dressed and not fitting in, and bored and nervous and just uncomfortable all around. He catches her smoking (pot). They fight. Didn't Sarah Jessica Parker go to some posh party in a wacky all-colored dressed then get reprimanded for smoking a cigarette out a window (by Big), then they kind of fight and she goes outside to smoke? Like, really, guys? How about Amy's job? She's a writer for a magazine which specializes in sexy stuff? NOWAI. I have never seen that before.
The scene at the end where she's with that kid? Bright Lights, Big City.
What about Amy's boss? Kind of a less-put-together Devil Wears Prada boss, no? Not kind of. Is.
And what was the point of casting SNL in this movie? They were all playing straight characters. Like, was it supposed to be funny that they were playing straight characters? Was it a meta joke? Because it didn't really work, to be honest.
Now for the killer.
There was absolutely nothing funny about the dad character or his story line. Nothing is funny about that type of person. Nothing was funny about the emotions he brought forth in his two daughters or how he shaped them. Nothing was funny about the horrible things he constantly said. Nothing was funny about the girls' relationship with each other as they tried to handle him. Nothing is funny about MS. Nothing funny. Nothing remotely fucking funny.
And to redeem him in the middle there? "He might have offended every one of you, but raise your hand if he was one of your favorite people?" And everyone raises their hands.
Can we not redeem abusive-as-fuck parents, please. That garbage was no one's favorite person.
I will never get over the use of a narcissistic, completely inappropriate father figure as something that is supposedly funny. Fuck right off. Now.
It's also super funny that the muscle man is totally gay, right? Totally hilar.
Another lazy move is how Amy gets to take the article she wrote for one publication on their clock, dust it off, and send it to Vanity Fair after she gets fired. She meets with a Vanity Fair guy and they take the story? And it's published within a few days? DOES NO ONE KNOW HOW WRITING WORKS? Damn. And that it was so good because she put herself in the piece. That hasn't been startling since freaking Hunter S. Thompson, and P.S. Carrie Bradshaw did that like five times a week in 2004.
So, what did I like about it?
The black-and-white, Danille Radcliffe and Marissa Tomei film about dog walking in New York City that came up twice. I wish to God they'd made that a whole movie instead.
The homeless guy had his moments when the movie wasn't being completely condescending to homeless people. James had his moments when the movie wasn't being completely condescending to people of color.
Schumer did say a few funny things, here and there.
But, like, that's it. And that is not nearly enough.
Trainwreck is a waste of space. It's not just not feminist comedy. It's not just not comedy. I'm still trying to figure out if it can actually be classified as a movie.