Take Off Those Judgey-Pants and Empathize -- Contributor Post

We’ve all done this, and most of us continue to struggle with it at one time or another. Everyone compares themselves to others in their lives and makes a judgement on where they think they stand based on those comparisons.  You compare yourself to other women, other men, other parents, others in your career path, others your age. 

In the process, you not only disconnect from your empathy and judge others- you also judge yourself.  This can be hurtful to you and your relationships- it’s hard to be kind to someone that you’re constantly competing with. 

Breaking this pattern can have huge benefits- you build stronger relationships, you start making decisions based on your own wants and needs instead of trying to beat others at their own game.  You can work better with others to solve problems, and you can build a network of support that will serve you well when you need it. You can support others that need you.

Collaboration is better than competition almost every time.  But how do you stop yourself from wanting to compete with others? Especially in marginalized populations, it feels like there’s limited opportunities- how do you stop fighting for those?

It’s definitely a tough paradigm shift.  It’s a world of finite resources.  How can you convince yourself not to fight for the best bits? 

First, remember in most cases, it’s not a zero-sum game. You don’t have to “lose” in order for someone else to “win”!  Even if you don’t get the exact opportunity you wanted for yourself or your child, that doesn’t mean another one isn’t coming right along.  You can still support others while seeking better things for yourself.  You can build up those in marginalized populations, which in turn, can build you up! Supporting other marginalized groups can help open up opportunities to others as well.

As it comes to parenting- so long as parents are providing children with their needs and aren’t abusing them (and no, formula feeding is not abusing a child), all the other choices are simply that- choices.  Everyone makes different ones based on their unique history and circumstances, and they generally don’t make any one parent better than another.  You can learn a lot by talking to parents about the choices they make, when you’re not judging those choices.  Instead of whispering to someone that your neighbor has a 4 year old who isn’t potty trained, ask that neighbor how they’re doing.  You might learn something, and build a great new friendship!

When you let down your guard and stop holding your cards close to your chest, an amazing thing happens- you begin to feel solidarity with your fellow women, men, parents, and others.  Being vulnerable is tough, but it helps build trust between friends, family, and coworkers. Suddenly, you’re not alone, and you can draw on the experiences and empathy of a group as you move forward.

This is something I have to continually work on- I totally fall into the habit sometimes.

Next time you catch yourself getting out your judgey-pants and competition-face, stop yourself and think about it from another perspective that helps you feel empathy toward the person.  I’ll do the same. Maybe that co-worker was trying to get that promotion for 4 years. Maybe the dad down the street is pushing that 6 year old in a stroller because they both have a little trouble walking.  Maybe we can help and encourage our contemporaries, and get help and encouragement in return!  

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When she’s not making play-doh spaceships with her two young sons, Jenny Hill, CPLP creates engaging, accessible, and effective learning experiences, so learners can reach their potential and do their most meaningful work.  You can contact her on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferreneehill.

Yoga Phrases for the Competitive Mind

I'm basically the worst match for yoga in the history of ill-fitting romances. I'm not one to just "let go of what I'm holding". I need that shit. Also, I'm not satisfied to just be present in my body. That body has things to do, and I still haven't quite reconciled that fact with me allowing it to lay still for fifteen minutes "softening." When I "follow my breath" I follow it to the ground. It took me two months to figure out the instructor meant follow it into your body, not follow it after it leaves your nose. In class, I compose frenetic to-do lists, figuring out how to best compose my day after this basically groundless excuse to stretch for an hour while listening to Gregorian chants.

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You could say I'm an anxious sort of person. Which is why I started doing yoga. So…well done?

I'm not quite ready to "receive the effects of the postures" and I thought maybe I'm not the only one who hears something other than what is said during this hour of "being present."

With that in mind, here's a short run down of how yoga terminology translates to in the competitive, scattered mind, and how one might react to such phrases:

There is no achievement, there is no goal.

Achievement right now would be doing a correct pigeon, thank you very much. Actually, that's the goal, too. There is achievement and goal, right here! Why are you lying to me?

Discover who you are without struggle.

Without struggle I am...nothing. Well, that's depressing. Let’s quickly move along, shall we?

Find your edge.

Actually, I'm interested in finding your edge, instructor. That's why I'm here. To be as good at this as you are.

Be curious about where you can go.

Can I jump right over my edge? That's where I'd like to go, please. This edge is kind of in my way.

Doing the posture will not make you a better friend or neighbor.

Good thing I'm not here to be a better friend or neighbor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to force my knee to the floor with my mind, and you're interrupting The Force, here, lady.

The worst that could happen is that you fall.

That will never ever happen. Like neve--WHOA! Well, shit. That was embarrassing.

Think about crawling your fingers back.

Crawl your damn fingers back. Now.

You might even hold onto your foot with your hand.

You will hold onto your foot with your hand if it kills you. God, I hate my edge. HAND. GO TO FOOT. HAND. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO. TO. FOOT. I COMMAND YOU.

If you are struggling, let it go.

No.

Suffering is not required.

Thank God it's still optional, then. Because until I am my most beautiful tree, you can bet your ass I'm going to suffer.

Breath, relax, think, feel and allow.

So…I have a grocery list to compile right now, if we're just going to stand here for a sec.

Let your body move any way it's asking.

Is it my fault my body always asks to cross its arms, slouch and look at the instructor impatiently? I think not. I'm just doing what she said.

Soften the space between your eyes.

What? There is a skull there, dudes.

Without lifting your head, lift your ears.

What in the hell even?

This is a beautiful place to practice.

Translation: You totally suck at yoga. Don't hurt yourself, big guy.

Let go of what you are holding.

Um, no? That is a really scary prospect, and if you don't mind, I'll just cling to it, lest it get away from me and then ambush me later.

Be in the present moment.

But, like, the present moment is kind of boring, though. I'm pretty boring, to be honest. Can we be somewhere else? I hear zen is pretty rad. Let's go there.

Consider deepening the twist.

Deepen that motherfucking twist, right now.

Let your hands come to wherever they rest.

Touch. The. Floor. Without. Bending. Your. Knees.

Honor your edge.

Translation: Hahahahaha, I see you failing this pose. Give up now before you humiliate yourself.

One side might want something different than the other.

Translation: Man, you really suck on the left side, huh? I guess that side just wants to lie down. Maybe eat a bonbon.

Nothing to do, nowhere to be but in this moment.

God, why am I such a privileged piece of shit? All the other people have things to do and places to be. TRY HARDER. AT EVERYTHING.


Of course, I am fully aware that you are not supposed to think these things, but I don’t care.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book to write, a marathon to run, two children to raise, dinner to cook, school to go to, manuscripts to edit--omg. Where's the coffee?

 

Kindergarten Kids - Try Something New

Problem:

So this is the new year, and you don't feel any different. So how do you actually reinvigorate your life without burning yourself out? My suggestion is to try only one or two new things at a time, and make sure those things are for  you. You can do other new things for your kids and your family, but have a few just for you. And introduce them slowly, so that you don't feel guilty or selfish (which you shouldn't anyway, but I know you) for doing them.


Solution:

My personal solution was yoga, which to anyone who knows me is hilarious. I'm like a frenetic chipmunk in all things. I can't get through even 1/3 of a thought before my brain moves on to something else. I wrote up an account of my first yoga class yesterday. The point not being to scare you off new things (which it might, I can't lie), but to show that you can suck at something and still have fun, and still go back. Maybe.

I showed up with my friend, Leanna, and neither of us had ever been before. We were sitting on our mats before class talking about how she accidentally suffocated a mouse. Which we soon learned was kind of not the conversation people showing up at a yoga class expect.

Then my phone rang. Great. And the class hadn't started yet, so I just ignored it, thinking no big deal. Wrong.

The instructor walked in and said, "There is a phone that needs to be claimed." And I'm like, what, because it rang? But I didn't say anything. I felt like hiding, actually.

Someone ratted me out, though. "I think it's in the burgundy purse."

And I'm like, welp, this is getting off on the right foot then.

So, defensively, I said, "Are we not allowed phones for ninety minutes here? Because I have kids with needs, and I'm not turning my phone off for that long. Is this the wrong class for me?"

They helpfully and with no attitude at all (not) suggested I put it on vibrate. That was fine with me.

It was enough so that the instructor came over to me before the start and crouched down to my eye level (I know that trick!) and made a big deal about not starting on the wrong foot. 

This, of course, wasn't uncomfortable or awkward at all.

Then we had to start breathing which was a right mess. I don't like breathing in deeply. It takes too long. But I tried. Throughout the class, though, she was all inhale when you blah and exhale when you blah, and I was like, Crap! I forgot I was supposed to be doing extra special happy thoughts fairy breathing! And quickly overcompensated.

I hit the lady on the mat next to me in the face with my arm once, and knocked over my water bottle loudly another time.

At one point, the instructor asked everyone to relax completely, and someone farted. And I laughed (quietly, thank goodness.) I was the only one. Come on, isn't anyone else 12?

There was a short spurt I enjoyed where we did some poses that were really difficult for me. But the first half hour was all sitting and breathing. She said, "make your intention for the day. It can be for you, someone close to you, or the greater good."

I was all, my intention for today is to KICK ITS ASS.

Not what they're looking for there, I expect.

Then at the end we wasted (it felt like to me. I know that centering yourself and being one with whatever the fuck we're supposed to be one with is important, but I'm just not there yet) Anyway, we wasted the end thirty minutes lying there, doing nothing.

Jesus, I just about died.

She's all, invite the softness in. I'm all, dude, the softness was laid off about a decade ago.

I did learn that I clench my jaw like a mofo though. Every time she said relax your jaw, I was like, oh yeah. CLUNK.

Anyway, the whole time we were laying there doing nothing, I was running through all the things I could/should be doing instead, and when I wasn't doing that, I was berating myself for being privileged enough to be able to lay around and do nothing but think about myself for 30 minutes.

So that when she said, accept your inner goodness, my inner whatever just about died laughing and was like, but can we go now, though?

I had to go up to her after class, and say to her, look, I'm obviously really high strung and frenetic. I'm going to keep coming, I think, so please don't think I have attitude or look down on you or yoga or anything. It will just be me laughing at myself. I promise. I mean no disrespect.

She said, ... ... ...I think this class will be really good for you.

And I was like, sure, if I can get over analyzing the ceiling tiles for imperfections when I'm supposed to be letting the good air in or whatever, or softening my thighs, whatever that is.

Great start? Maybe not so much. But it was new, it was for me, (something I obviously need to work on), it was kind of fun, and I'll try it again. And that makes the new year new.