Preschool Pointers -15: Actually a Toddler Trick

Okay, this is a toddler trick I saw at my cousin's, but it was so brilliant, I had to share it. Now, it only works for certain cabinets, but it is amazing.

Problem: Your kid keeps getting into the cabinets.


Solution:






That is a hair tie. Is this not the most miraculous solution you've ever seen?



 

Preschool Pointers - 3: Wait

Problem:

You want your child to do something, a developmental milestone you hope for them to reach. But they won't or they can't, and everyone is frustrated and it just isn't going how you'd hoped. Note: Want is the key word here. If you need your child to do something, you'll just have to barrel through.

Solution:

Wait. I continually jump the gun with my kids. I think they should be ready for something, typically about four months before they actually are. When I try to engage them in said activity the first time, it is a flaming ball of fail. This happened with transitioning to sippy cups, with potty training, with talking, with playing independently, and with preschool. Last year, I tried preschool. They weren't ready, but more importantly, I wasn't ready and I ended up sabotaging the whole thing. So I took them out (we also couldn't afford it.) This year, preschool is free for FL residents. And after three days, the difference between this year and last year couldn't be more defined. They like it, they have fun, and I don't feel like a jerk. Sometimes you think you're ready when  you're not. Sometimes you think you should be ready and you make yourself feel bad. In my experience (for neurotypical kids) you just need to wait a little while.







 

Toddler Tricks - 103: It's Okay to Say Okay

Problem:

Your kids move slowly and are incredibly easily distracted. You could be taking them to the most fun place on Earth and just before you leave, they'd want to play one more game, or splash in a puddle or run around the car giggling for funsies.

You're not used to this lack of prioritization and it can be annoying. Previously, I marched forward, rushing them into the car, saying no to every stupid (because, seriously, they are stupid) request and time-waster. Let's just get going, I thought. Why, now, would you want to do x, y or z. You had all day. No. No, no, no, no.  Of course, if you say no too often, particularly when they try out their new bartering skills (think, just one more, or just a little), they stop listening to you. Then when you really need it, like, 'no, stop screaming in the grocery store,' you're screwed.

Solution:

Say yes sometimes. If it's not going to hurt anything, what's the harm? I've found that even if I've already said no, when they come back with a "compromise" (because, really, what kind of compromises do three year olds make? Not good ones.) I won't undermine myself by saying okay. And then I've seen them listen to the rules they set themselves. If they say, just one more time, they do it just one more time. This shows them that I'm listening to them, and not just putting them off (which encourages them to listen to me, too), it shows them how to communicate like adults so that they don't have to get to the screaming, crying, dragging, frustration phase, it shows that that when they do use words, they'll sometimes get what they want, and most importantly, it shows them that you are a reasonable person, so when you do say no, there is a reason. I've found my kids much more willing to listen to my nos, now that I also give them some yeses.







 

Toddler Tricks - 102: "We'll See"

Problem: Your kid wants something that you aren't going to give him. Maybe just not right now, maybe never ever ever. But the child has trouble accepting the word no, and you don't have time to get into a twenty-minute reasoning match with them. Or maybe you are in public and you don't have the patience to wait out the inevitable tantrum.

Solution: "We'll see" is magical. At least over here. Because the kids think it means yes. Even though they know it means we'll talk about it later. They accept it better than later, or I don't know. I'm not sure why this is. Perhaps because they know that we'll see is the last bastion of hope before straight-out no and they'd better accept the terms. If you say later, they wonder why not now? But there isn't really a comeback for we'll see. Not unless they want a no. And if they push me after a we'll see, tantrum be damned, the answer is no. We'll see means: shut up. So far, it's worked great.

 ___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list.



 

Toddler Tricks - 101: Let Them Set the Pace

Problem: You have plans with no one to go somewhere or do some certain thing. It's in your datebook / on your to-do list and everything. Yet, there your kids sit, happily playing in the corner, not a tear in sight, not a tantrum to be heard. You know that any change in this precariously balanced environment will bring OMG EMOTION to the scene. Even if it's an awesome outing, like, "hey, let's go to the swimming pool," it will be met with tears and fighting because, well, that's the only way your kids (by which I mean my kids) know how to process emotion, of any kind. So, what do you do?

Solution: Don't. Just wait. Does it really matter if you had planned to go to the pool at 12:30 p.m. (this was me today.)? No, it doesn't. Loosen up. My kids are happily painting on the porch right now. There is no reason for me to bust that up, just because I penciled in "pool" on my list. We can do it after lunch. Or after nap. It's not like the pool is a business meeting. Now, if you're meeting someone, you'll have to disturb the paradise. But don't worry about that too much. Chances are they'd be screaming anyway in about 30 more seconds. Regardless, try to bust in with a new activity just as the yelling begins, so that they're already disgruntled and the change in their plans looks like a good thing, acts like a distraction, rather than a disruption.



 

Toddler Tricks - 100: Use the Library

Problem: It's summer time and it's hot and you don't have $35 to blow on the movies, or rollerskating, or bowling, or whatever fun-filled, spend-all-your-wages-here, activities advertised by businesses. You're all pooled out, and the park is like a desert. What do you do?


Solution: I don't know about your library, but ours does free stuff. ALl the time. Every week you can find some random thing going on at the library--almost all of them kid-based. Last year we saw jugglers there, and the girls talked about it for months. At some point there is going to be a yo-yo champion show, and this last week, we saw a music show there.





Now as you can see, it wasn't a flashy, totally overwhelming show of musical delight.It was actually a young guy with his old bass and a drum he made out of a suitcase. And it was awesome. The girls loved it. They paid attention and learned about tuning and how instruments make music with interest. They were able to play the instruments (but not the kazoo. I wouldn't let them touch the kazoo.) It was 90 minutes of fun for them and me. In the cool.

And even when the library isn't pulling out all the homemade-instrument stops, they do story times at least once a week for the kids. And if nothing is going on, well, so be it. Go anyway. Read the stories yourself! My kids love the library, and so do I. I'm thankful I stuck with it after all those dicey visits when they were younger (and LOUD).
 

Toddler Tricks - 99: Teaching Tools are Games

Problem: You're all bored. It's summer, and you've gone to the pool or lake everyday, then it rained for a week and you saw every movie, went to every library and store just to get out of the house, and even went to the mall playland. You're fresh out of ideas and you've got eight hours before bedtime.

Solution: Teach them stuff. I got play clocks and dry erase marker boards with the letter lines on them at Target in those dollar bins. They're amazing. If we can't get outside, or we've played all the games, we break out the learning tools. These are just as good, if not better, than games for the girls. They love practicing writing, and the activity can keep them engaged and involved for more than an hour. I'll show them how to draw and "A" and they'll each take a turn practicing, drawing "A"s in a line after mine. They'll be quietly amused and so proud of themselves, too. And, honestly, it's amazing to see your children start to write. This can start any age, really. My kids and I have been playing with / learning with the clocks from about that age. They still can't tell all the times, but they've got the hours and half hours down. Geography is great and easy, too. Buy a map, spread it out, point to stuff. Done, done, done. It's better than playing Barbies (in my opinion) for sure.

  ___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list. 

Toddler Tricks - 98: Wait Them Out

Problem: Your child won't wipe herself, or eat, or sleep, or whatever it is she won't do. It's a battle of wills, and you aren't giving up.

Solution: While it's best to avoid battle of wills, I can't always to this. I'm just not patient in that way. I find, when I've made the mistake of taking a stance, it's best to remember that I've got all day, and I've got nothing to lose. I wait them out. Unless we have somewhere to be, or something, when the issue must be forced, I've found that eventually, about three, or 10 or 25 minutes after I think they'll give in, they'll actually give in. Don't respond to the begging or the wailing or the tantrum throwing. Just wait. They know what they're supposed to do, and you don't have to validate their stubborn behavior until they do that simple task. And when they do it, praise the hell out of it. Tell them how big they are and how good, and how proud you are of them. My kids really like praise, and it helps them make the right choice earlier next time. You can even say during one of these stand-offs, "It would make me so happy and proud if you would do this." They like that.


 ___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list. 


 

Toddler Tricks - 97: Keep Calm and Carry On

Problem:

You can't do anything right. Any answer you give, any move you make, any word you say is grounds for a tantrum. Your kids are completely unreasonable for some reason you can't discern. Whether they can't make a circle on their Magnadoodles, or their stuffed animals aren't speaking correctly, or you were supposed to laugh at something and you missed your cue, it doesn't matter. Your children are steering this insanity boat and you feel yourself drowning in its tow.

Solution:

Keep calm. Their world is not the real world. Their emphasis is not the real emphasis. Remember, it's not all that important whether they're wearing blue socks or pink socks. It is not a big deal. But when you are surrounded by three year olds, suddenly their hang ups and issues and severe lack of prioritization make perfect sense. We should all yell and carry on over who has more juice in her cup. The girls about that, then about how they hit one another, and you about how they should just be quiet and grateful for once.

It's works much better if you don't let them affect you. Remember, these things are stupid. Sorry, kids, but it's true. Your problems are dumb, and I invalidate them. You have no power over my frame of mind with your "she has the green marker" and your "I can't lift my shoe, it's too heavy."

I have learned to laugh you off. It's the only way we will all survive.



___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list. 


 

Toddler Tricks - 96: Work It Out

Problem:

Your kids are fighting. There's the crying and the screaming, the hitting and the biting. The wailing ever louder, the appeals for your intervention. You get the feeling most of this outlandish behavior is purely for your benefit, but you don't know what to do about it.

Solution:

Sometimes it's okay to ignore it. I've found that many times, my kids just want me to validate them or vindicate them. This one is right and that one is wrong. You shouldn't take her toy, but you shouldn't bite her over it. They just want your reaction, looking for their Solomon. But it doesn't have to be you.

Of course, sometimes you have to step in...you don't want anyone getting hurt, and you don't want the tantrums to get carried on too far. That's what the whole time-out, you-being-the-parent thing is all about.

But sometimes they do much better on their own, and the sooner they learn to work out their own issues on their own terms, the sooner peace will reign. Sometimes the outcomes will even surprise you, one sibling will give where you thought the other would. It all equals the same thing, though. The kids learning that they can settle their differences without mommy's help, that they can work things out to their own satisfaction.

And with that comes the slow knowledge that it's easier to do these things without screaming and threatening each other. And when those days come, they are happy days.


 

Toddler Tricks - 95: Give Chances

Problem: You've got an unruly child. (This is my problem a lot, have you noticed?) She can take anything and twist it into a reason to cry or get upset. She's irrational and dragging you down in her own little whirlpool of insanity. And you had planned some fun things to do, but now you don't even want to chance bringing her out.


Solution: Tell her about it. Sometimes that's enough, although not over here. Sometimes just the promise of interesting activities or outings can force a behavior change. Sometimes, you'll need to use it as a bargaining chip. I've given out five chances each to my kids for a birthday party we're supposed to attend this evening. It started last night, and once the plan was set, they lined up. This morning, Dulce is already down to three chances. Natalina still has all five. We'll see how it works.



 

Toddler Tricks - 94: Pack a Lunch

Problem: You have a lot of things to do. Too many things to do. How can you go to the splash pad, and the pool, and stop at a park, while getting all your housekeeping done and keeping everyone sane? Plus, you've got nap in the middle of the day, and these kids have to eat.

Solution: Pack a lunch. It seems like a pain in the butt when you could just go home and make something, but it makes life so much easier. You don't have to stop what you are doing, and your kids are more likely to eat because they'll want to get back to their fun activities. Plus, a PB and J looks more exotic outside for some reason. And who doesn't love a juice box?

The ten minutes it takes me to pack a small cooler is made up for in spades when we can just open and eat, instead of trekking back home, only to have to make food before we can clean up or sleep or whatever. That would take an hour. Pack a lunch. It's so worth it.





 

Toddler Tricks - 92: When Everything Changes, Stay the Same

Problem: You're going to visit family, or friends, or someone far away where it's not quite a vacation, but not quite not. You need your children to behave, but with all the changes to routine, new faces, and new pecking order, they don't know what to think. When no one steps up to be the sole leader, you'll find your children deciding that they are in charge. This is disaster. So much for showing off good behavior for grandma and grandpa. You'll say something, and at first, they'll go to the next adult to see if they like that answer better. After a while, they'll skip that step and go right to the screaming. Even if they never get what they want from tantrums, it seems that doesn't deter them.


Solution: Decide among the adults before you even take off, who is going to lay down the law for which areas of life. I am the main rule-maker in our house, so most of the responsibility would or should fall to me. Still, we were staying at Nana's house, so I needed to know her rules beforehand. Rules like, sit down in the kitchen when you eat, and no shoes in the house. If I say something, and Nana says another, the girls get confused. They start to think no one knows what's going on. And when the lines of what's acceptable and what's not get blurred, they feel like it's the perfect time to make their own lines instead. Their own lines where everything is acceptable, and if they're met with a no, well, it's acceptable to scream about it. Why? Because we're at Nana's and the babies are making the rules.

Go over routines and rules with every involved adult before you leave. If everyone is on the same page and you present a united front, you may be able to avoid the envelope-pushing hellions that tend to come out during family visits.

 ___
 If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list.  


 

Toddler Tricks - 91: Story Time

Problem: Your child doesn't want to sit still long enough to take care of business in the bathroom. They'd rather play, or read, or watch TV, and they'll hold it. Bathroom time is a low, low priority. You don't want them in there stressed out or sad because then they'll associate negative feelings with the bathroom, but you have to get them in there somehow, and keep them in there until they go.



Solution: Make a fun activity specifically for bathroom time. For us, it's reading stories. Not actual books since I read them books all the time and I wouldn't want to limit out reading time to just on the potty. When I read them stories in the bathroom, it's more like, telling them stories. Anything they want to hear. They know if they're going pee, they can pick one story for me to tell. If they're going number two, they get two stories to pick. The not-going sister will usually sit next to me to get in on the story-telling action. They're favorite stories include The Three Little Pigs, The Little Red Hen, The Little Mermaid, Rapunzel, and Snow White. They can choose anything they like. Sometimes they'll even make me make up a story about Caillou.

When I was little, my parents used to do rhyming and counting games with me. Any activity you choose should work, so long as it's something your kids enjoy. It will take the boring edge off potty time.

Toddler Tricks - 90: Go Second

Problem: I don't know if this is a twin thing or not, but in this house, going second is the ultimate punishment. It is a slight to character, an insult to humanity. And the girls have quickly realized that if one of them gets to go first, the other one must be going second. The horror! With only one sink, this makes teeth-brushing a chore. With only one downstairs bathroom, going potty is torture. Taking turns with a toy has gone from precarious niceties to automatic tantrums because "She always goes first," and "Now, I'm going second."

 Solution: To circumvent this, I end up going second a lot. Mommies are meant to go second, I think. This is only going to work for so long. As of now, I can convince them that they are both going first and mommy is going second. They grudgingly accept that, but you can tell they know it isn't right.

A longer term solution, which hopefully will work better as they grow, is taking turns taking turns. So that if one twin goes first for something, the next twin goes first for the next thing. Then you can remind them. "Dulce, you went first getting dressed this morning, so Lilly will go first to get her chocolate milk. Lilly, you went first for your drink, so Dulce will go first washing her hands."

Just make sure you don't forget who went first the time before! That way leads to tears.

We have an even more complicated organization, where firsts are categorized. There are food firsts, bathroom firsts, games firsts, and clothing firsts. And the turns are specific to each category. I'm trying to whittle all this down because that's a lot of firsts to remember. But even when I mess up, I'm able to tell them, "don't worry, mommy will go second."

"Is mommy also thumbs down, and I'm thumbs up?"

Mommy takes a lot of guff, I'd say.

___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list. It would mean the world to me.


 

Toddler Tricks - 89: Be Specific

I know, I know, last week I said be vague, but I was talking about different things. When you are promising something, be vague so that they're happy, but they don't have any specific image to attach to. Be vague when you're talking about you. Be specific when you are talking about them.

Problem:

Your kid is misbehaving. Whether it's whining about the same thing over and over again in the space of five minutes, throwing a raucous tantrum, making a huge mess, or trying to start a fight with a sibling or any of the other millions of ways a kid can misbehave, they're doing something they know they shouldn't be. You've asked them to be good. You've told them if they don't behave, x, y and z will be taken away or they'll go to their room. They don't care.

Solution:

Be specific. I often fall into the trap of saying to my twins, "listen, I just need you to be good for five more minutes."

But what does be good mean? What does behave mean? It's too broad. The girls can't grasp the concept in real time. Sure, theoretically they know what to be good in the general sense means. But the general sense has no bearing on their specific desires right at the moment. You may as well not have said anything at all because they won't even hear you ask them to 'be good.' It's too vague. They can't picture it.

Instead, I have to remind myself to explain to them what being good in that moment means to me.

"I need you to be quiet while I'm on the phone."
"I need you not to pull your sister's hair."
"I need you to be patient. Don't ask me that again for five minutes."

(Now, they don't know what five minutes is, but they usually make an educated guess. They come pretty close.)

With specific commands to attach to, the girls have a much easier time behaving in the way I need them to at any given time. It also forces me to acknowledge what I need from them. Because oftentimes, when I say be good, I don't know what I mean any more than they do. Good is too vague.

___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list. It would mean the world to me. 

Toddler Tricks - 88: Stop Talking

Problem: You're talking again. And again and again and again. It's not your fault. You've been programmed. You know that why you answer one question, another is coming, and then another, and another after that. You've done this dance so many times that you can even anticipate the odd tangents your child's questions will take. So you just cut them off at the pass. However, the more you talk, the more the kids have as fodder to take issue with. The more you talk, the more likely you are to incur the illogical toddler wrath of doom. And the more you talk, the less likely it is that you'll know which one of your ridiculous statements set them off.

As an example, yesterday, Natalina asked me if we were going outside.

"No, we can't go outside because you're still sick, and  it's kind of smoky out there, from the wildfires in North Florida, not here, so we don't have to worry about fire, but smoke travels a long, long way, and smoke can really hurt your throat and your throat is already sore from the sickness, plus your not feeling well and running around out there will probably really tire you out when you need to recover. Also, it might rain, and if it does that, you'll be wet and miserable, and we can't use our raincoats and rain boots because it's cold out there today, so it's not like in the summer time when we can jump in puddles."

First of all, I don't like talking for ten minutes. Secondly, she didn't ask me any of that, I just am so used to her doing so that I launched into it without giving her the chance. Third, why the heck am I talking about puddles by the end? Fourth, she only asked me if we could go outside again right after a finished talking. Fifth, I was actually quite lucky she didn't pick one of those fragments to tantrum about. I certainly gave her enough to work with.

Solution: Shut up.

No, seriously, your tangential answers may have sufficed in the beginning, but now they're not doing you any favors. Let your kid ask the next question. Maybe she will, or maybe she'll surprise you and accept the first answer. But not only are you talking up a storm of ridiculousness all by your lonesome, you're also stopping your child's creative process. The asking of follow-up questions, as annoying as the 80th one is, shows critical thinking on your child's part. If you circumvent that, they don't get a chance to process your answer and think through their own alternatives. Reaching out and connecting thoughts is important at this age, as is learning how to bargain and think their way out of tough situations. Don't hamper it. It's better to be quieter than to talk for 30 minutes straight.

Toddler Tricks - 87: Do "Things"

Problem: You have a plan for the afternoon, or for the next day, or for the next five minutes. You tell your children about it, in great detail. They either set their heels in, determined not to do the activities you've laid out, or they are so excited about it that they will not do what they need to accomplish before the fun begins. For example, yesterday the girls needed to go down for a nap, then they were going to eat an orange. They were so excited about the orange (and they don't even like oranges!) that they could hardly sleep for the promise of it. Same goes for holidays, swimming, visits, TV shows...anything basically.

Solution: Keep it vague. Very vague. The girls need to know that there is a structure to the day and that we will be doing fun things, but they can't contain their excitement over even the mundane and their impatience exceeds their desire to do the necessary steps to get to fun things.

So, when they ask me right before a meal or right before nap time what it is we are going to do next, I answer, "things. Fun things. Lots of fun things. I'll tell you after you ____." It works a little better. Just a bandage fix until they have more capacity for time passage.


____

If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list. 

Toddler Tricks - 86: Make a Deal

Problem: You have several things on your agenda, and you need your kids to be down for all of it. Or you have a fun thing to do, but then some not-so-fun things and you want to head off the inevitable tantrum at the pass.

Solution: Make a bargain, make a deal. Make 'em sign it. Or at least shake. Or at the very least, have them listen to you, understand and verbally say okay.

Example:
"We'll go to the swimming pool, but when we get back we have to take a bath and mommy has to vacuum. Understand?"
"Yes."
"No, really. When I say we leave the swimming pool, we have to leave and do our chores, then we'll do more fun stuff. Okay? We can't go if you if don't leave when mommy says."
"Okay."

Then later, when they go to kick up a fuss, you can remind them of their side of the bargain. There's nothing that means more to a toddler than what you say, and they're still young enough so that they hold themselves to the same standards they hold others, so that when they say something, they will also stand by it, as they expect you to do.

"Remember what you said? You said this was okay. You agreed to it."
"...Okay."

So far, it's working like a charm.

___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list.   

Toddler Tricks - 85: Make the Old New

Problem: With toddlers, there are only so many options you have for an easy, fun day. Sure you could go on many adventures right outside your door, or, for the more adventurous, you could even do day trips to parks, museums, the mall and the like, but by 3.5, your kids have likely been there, done that. Usually it doesn't matter. They like routine and repetition after all. But I don't like the shine coming off of our weekly park trips. I need the girls out of the house, and it's easiest for me when they're really excited about where we're going.

Solution: Come at the old venues in a different way. If you usually go right to the playland at the mall, do a scavenger hunt instead, or if you're particularly daring, try to go shopping, pushing them in one of those little novelty cars. If you're going on a walk, give them specific things to look for, plants, animals, signs, balloons, whatever you like. We went to the park yesterday, and I noticed that my kids were rather lackluster about it. So I made it a picnic. They were instantly enthused. It was going to be the best picnic ever! Lilly would carry the blanket. Dulce would carry the sandwiches. I've rarely seen them so excited, to be honest. And after we ate our picnic lunch (killing two birds, since I had to feed them lunch anyway), they ran and played for almost two hours.

There are usually many activities you can do at each of your normal locations. Your kids will love them all, and they'll be a nice break for you as well.

___
If you like this blog, please vote for it here at Babble's Top 100 Blogs list.