Thinking about Thought Bubbles - The Genius of a Kid

My child went totally philosophically meta on my yesterday. I was sitting outside, thinking about dull, adult things, sipping on my mundane Gatorade, and she came out to see me. And out of nowhere, she asked me this question:

"Mom," she said, "I'm thinking about thinking bubbles."

Mmhmm, I murmured, not particularly paying attention.

"Does that mean I have a thinking bubble inside my thinking bubble?"

And the consciousness of consciousness required to make such a statement floored me. I swear, I just grinned at her like a dumb fool for a minute before I could think of a reply.

Then, of course, like the good mother I am, I posted her genius up on Facebook. I got a great meme reply from my friend Andy, who said:

"Yo dawg, I heard you liked thought bubbles so I put a bubble in your bubble so you can think while you think."

Which is hilarious, but draws a really good point out. Repetition and patterns of inside the inside are not new. We do it with mirrors, with photographs, with that "yo dawg" guy...why has no one ever done a thought bubble inside a thought bubble?

This is perfect Bugs Bunny material here. Back when the narrator was erasing him and stuff, it goes along those lines, don't you think? Or the Road Runner running through Wile E. Coyote's painting. It all connects. But no one has done it. (At least according to my Google search.)

The closest I could find was a philosophical cartoonist in England. He did this:

Courtesy Chris Madden at chrismadden.co.uk

And, really, it's not the same thing. This picture shows someone thinking about a man thinking. Even if it were the man himself, thinking about himself thinking, he's placed his own image in the picture (very adult, in my opinion). My child didn't think of herself thinking. She thought of thinking. My child did this:

Go ahead and do a search. No one has ever drawn that before (at least that they put on the Internet).

I know, it seems silly, really. Ridiculous, maybe. But it's not. The intensity of thought required to come up with an original idea is staggering.

At five years old, my kid, so far as I can see, came up with an original idea.

...which puts her one ahead of me.

I'm pretty amazed.

The take home message here being, listen to your kids. Yes, they talk a lot but they're usually reasoning through things, trying to grapple with their reality and how things fit into the world they see versus what they are told about that world. And that's an important step. Not just for kids. For everyone.



 

What They're Saying at Almost 4.5

I do a words and phrases list every now and again to track cute things that will soon vanish from my auditory life forever. The girls are speaking more and more clearly now, though they insist on certain pronunciations more than others, and have trouble re-training their tongues to make certain sounds that they've heretofore gotten around.

For instance:

Skirt: slirt. Only it's not quite SLirt, there's more of a flemy sound in there as the skid past the k without hitting it.

Sp: F - So that sparkle becomes farkle and special becomes feshul.

But, they have trouble pronouncing Fr (though they will do it with my guidance) making frog slog, and freckle slenkel.

They'll occasionally get their Ps and Cs mixed up, though in different ways. Lilly continues to say Prismus instead of Christmas (whereas Dulce says Cwistmas), and preacher instead of creature (Dulce says cweature). However, Dulce will say nickel instead of nipple, and Natalina can say nipple correctly. Interesting.

Another interesting development is the word tomato.

Now, previously, any time their father or I have referred to a tomato, they'll echo it back to us as "bahdaydo." Which you would think would mean potato, but whatever, right? Potato is actually "bahcaydo" for some reason.

Yesterday, we learned that they can pronounce tomato just fine. Except that they say tomato when they want to say tornado.

Tomato, tornado, let's call the whole thing off, am I right?

This development has deeply puzzled me, and needs more thought on my end. What is going on there?

It may play into this: When we repeat the girls' mispronounciations back to them, they get very peeved.

For instance, Dulce will say, "Mommy! You bahstacked me! (distracted).

I'll then say with a smile, "Oh, I bastacked you?"

And with attitude she'll quip back, "No, mom. Bah-stack-ed." She can hear me say it right, knows when I say it wrong, but when she says it wrong, she hears it right. Maybe. I don't know.

A more grammatical error we're trying (not very hard, but when we think of it) to correct is the use of her.

The girls will say "Her told me that. Her did it. Her came to class today." They never use she.

On the flip side, they never use his. It's always "He toy. He ball. He daddy."

Weird, eh?

Th is a lost cause right now (though after several tries, if I'm coaching them and showing them how to use their tongues, they can say it.) Usually, it's sink (think), slee (three), schlrow (throw). They try everything to make that (dat) sound. They have trouble.

They have improved in massive ways (no longer using anchor vowels in the middle of words, for instance) and can string complicated thoughts together. But sometimes their tongues just don't know what to do.

Cute kids.




 

Use Goodwill with Good Will

Being the holiday season, we've made a few trips to Goodwill, dropping off old, unused toys, and picking up new (to us) ones!

I'm not really big into huge causes and I can't contribute much to society at this point in my life, but I love Goodwill because it's an easy and local way to show my kids that giving is not only important, it's also fun.

We've been going since they were two. I bring them with me so that they understand that their toys and clothes don't just 'disappear,' they go to other people.

My kids will say, afterward, "Hey, where did our little chairs go?" or "Where did that shirt I loved go?" And I get to remind them that we gave them away. And they'll say, "Oh yeah! They were too small. We gave them to other babies who need them!"

Now, at first, they just knew that when we went to Goodwill, they could pick out a toy.



Cool new racecar? Neat! They didn't know it was supposed to be remote-controlled. In fact, we still have this car. Because they really like it.

Other toys they have picked, we have used for a while, then given back. Almost as if we're borrowing them or renting them. The girls are getting a good sense of use and reuse from our quarterly trips.

And some of these toys are amazing. We plan on keeping these for a while (well, the horse will go back soon as they're getting too big to ride it. But the keyboard is gold. And when they've outgrown it, someone else will be able to use it for years for $4.)

The sting of losing their music table didn't hurt so badly when we got a little horse in return. And while right now the girls are associating giving with getting something physical, soon, they'll associate giving with getting a good feeling. Helping is important. This broadens their world view. They don't just see our living room, their toys. They know that those toys can go to other homes and that sometimes we bring home toys from other people too. It's one big giving tree (with a few dollars, of course.)

And for me, the clothing is amazing. Some of our best stuff is from Goodwill. Yeah, I can get the $3 shirts on sale at KMart, and I do. But there's some real quality and unique clothing I've gotten at Goodwill for the same price. Because I'm just not at a place right now where I can spend $20 on a shirt or $50 on a sweater that they'll outgrow in two months.

That amazing sweater? Goodwill. No way I could afford something like that firsthand.

That shirt with the personality and flair? Goodwill.

And as we grow out of our clothes, we donate them right back.

It's important to teach your kids about charity and giving in ways they can see and understand. Doing this has shown my kids that it's easy to give. It's also shown them that there is no shame in taking when in need. And most importantly, it's shown them that everyone can have excess of something and not enough of another thing and we all need to share together.

This week we'll be packing up some barely used tricycles (the girls grew out of those in a hot second before we could use them enough), gently used comforters for kids' beds, and a plethora of clothing and toys we no longer use or need.

Goodwill. It's about good will.


 

Guest Post - Helping Twins Overcome Identity Crisis

Today I'm lucky enough to have a guest post that really pertains to my interests as a parent of twins. I come up against all sorts of issues I find myself ill-prepared for, having never dealt with twins in any capacity before. Jane Bongato is an identical twin, and she has some advice.

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“Oh, you’re talking about the twins.”

Jane and Grace at three years old.

There are many benefits to raising identical twins. They always have a built-in playmate of the same age. Clothes can be shared, expanding both wardrobes and saving you money. And many adult twins say that it’s comforting having someone who really understands you.

Unfortunately, as that first quote indicates, being one of a twin is not without drawbacks. When two
people look and often act exactly the same, it can be incredibly difficult for either of them to assert their individuality and define who they are as people. It’s also not uncommon for twins to be confused for each other, and many will likely define them by their twin-hood more than anything else, which can lead to a crisis of identity.

But it doesn’t have to happen this way. Parents can alleviate this problem by engaging in a number of
tactics that can help your twins to differentiate themselves from each other and forge unique identities.

Here are some of the tips that parents of twins have found to be the most successful.

Put them in different classes. One of the reasons that twins have so much trouble forging separate
identities is that they are together so often. Demanding that they be placed in separate classrooms can
help this issue – not only by giving them physical and emotional distance so that they can rely less on their twin, but also because it will let them learn different things and allow others to see them alone and get to know them as individuals.

Encourage separate sports and activities. They’re always going to be “the twins” if they’re on the same team or in the same scout troop, so allowing this to happen is setting them up for future identity failure. Instead, encourage them to choose separate extracurricular activities and go out of your way to make it work. Even if they both want to be Cub Scouts or play soccer, see if there is a way to get them on different teams or even in different leagues. It may be more work for you, but the more away time they have to show people who they are as individuals, the better off they’ll be as they get older.

Separate friend groups. If you’ve succeeded at doing the above two things, chances are you’ll already
be well on your way to having your twins achieve separate friend groups. Doing this gives them the
opportunity to define themselves in terms of their role in the group rather than as one half of a twin pair and continues the theme of letting them figure out who they are by breaking them apart as much as possible.

Choose different color schemes for their clothes. Superficially, this is a great way for parents and others to help tell identical twins apart, which means that people won’t exacerbate identity issues by confusing the two of them. But some twins believe that it may have deeper effects: after years of always being dressed in pink while her twin wore yellow, Jaclyn Jacobs realized that even though she was really into fashion and “girly things,” her sister wasn’t. Maybe clothes really do make the proverbial man (or woman!)

Help them to define their differences. Twins often do this on their own as they get older, but you can
encourage the process by pointing out differences on your own. One twin is very outgoing, while the
other is more reserved. One loves romantic comedies, while they make the other want to gag. Really
watch for these differences so that you can show that you truly do see your children as individuals and not just “the twins.”

Instill in them that being a twin is only a small part of who they are. More than any of these other tips, this one is probably the most useful and the most important. If you spend lots of time marveling over how alike your twins are and celebrating their similarities, their takeaway is going to be that that is what you value about them.

However, if you instead try to minimize the importance of being a twin and show them how it’s only
a small part of their identity, you’re far more likely to have a well-adjusted and self-actualized son or
daughter as an adult.

Jane and Grace, present

Author bio:


Jane Bongato is part of the team behind Open Colleges, Australia’s provider of childcare training and online counselling courses. Jane is an early childhood educator with a background in Psychology and closely works with children who have special needs for about 6 years now. She enjoys reading, painting or meeting friends during her spare time.




 

Preschool Pointers - 13: Do Not Give Up

Problem: It's been three months since you've seen your child. You don't know who this monster is who has replaced him, but he sucks. He won't listen, he won't talk, he won't reason. All he does is demand things, then tantrum, then demand more things. It's like he's looking for any excuse to cry. Including you not letting him wash his hands again for the third time in a row, him touching his own feet, you opening the door wrong, or him eating all his cereal. Hell, even the thought that someday he might eat all his cereal puts him into tears. What do?

Solution: Well, I can't say it's teeth any more, can I? It's just...I don't know. Growing pains? It's not you. At the very least it's not all you. Try finding the root of the problem, and this won't be easy, since your kid has decided not to talk to you, instead only wailing away.

And sometimes you think you've gotten to the root of it, and you were wrong. Or there was more. Or something else is bothering them too. But you won't know what it is because they won't tell you.

The solution? Hang in there. Do not give up hope. If you continue to show your child that you are listening to him and that you understand some of what he is going through, he will come around. He will eventually break down and talk to you, if each tantrum you gently direct him to do so. Just keep at it. In some way, it's like an undercover battle of wills. He's doing his darndest to get you to react negatively to him (or at least it seems like that), and you've got to try your hardest to keep it positive, keep it happy and show him how much a better attitude improves life.

What I've been saying to my crying, wailing girls is, "I know you're upset, but this isn't helping anything. How can we fix the problem?"

By skipping over what's the problem, I've gotten some success, but mostly, it's just time. They've decided to come back around to the side of human again, and I survived the monstrous time.






 

Inviting Twins -- Etiquette

With the advent of my kids making friends, comes the individuality of one of them being better friends with one person, while the other is better friends with another.

So what happens if your kid only likes one of mine?

We had a close call yesterday, and before that I had been asked a question about twin invitations, so I thought I'd toss my two cents in, today.

Yesterday, Dulce went to pieces thinking her friend had invited her sister to a party, but not her. The girl would not calm down. I had to hold her for a long time.

Fortunately, it was just a drawing...her friend had been using an irrelevant invitation as scrap paper.

But it's not like this isn't going to come up, and soon. So I'd better batten down the hatches.

Here is what I would say, given my twins intense relationship to one another (more intense perhaps than most twins, as I think many others can separate without dramatically melting into a puddle at this point.)

1) If you are throwing a party, where lots of kids are going, and your child only wants to invite one twin, please, do not invite us. I would so much rather make up some lie to my kids about why we couldn't go or why we weren't invited than have to deal with

A) explaining to one twin why she can't go even though she's invited so that she'll blame her sister (although, to be real, this wouldn't be an issue for us. One twin will not go without the other.)

B) Having both go only to have one ignored because she wasn't really wanted.

C) Trying to separate them in a situation where one gets to go do a fun thing because she's liked more. Yes, I could arrange a super fun playdate for the other one, but firstly, they both would then want to go to both, and secondly, dude, it's not the same.

Okay, so, parties. Either invite them both because you like them, or pass. We're cool with that.


2) If your little darling is besties with only one of my children, and cannot open her heart to inviting them both over to play, please, please ask me first. I don't think it's weird, and I don't think it's mean. People, no matter how small, have friendships and preferences, and I get that my kids aren't a package-deal for everyone (just me...I'm so lucky). If I somehow think I can figure out a way to swing a one-on-one outing, I'll let you know. If I can't, I will be super nice to you, and understanding, but politely decline.

If you come to me first, before having your kid tell only one of my kids, I have some semblance of control over the issue and the outcome is a lot more likely (read .5 percent over 0 percent, at this point in time) to come to fruition. If you leave it to the kids, not only will one of my kids not be able to go, but I will have to deal with hours, and hours, and hours, AND HOURS of cleanup.

The other one simply will not understand. Not yet. We're working on this. I hope to report back to you in a year with entirely different rules, or better yet, no rules at all.

Unfortunately, we're not at that point yet. My four year olds have a sense of competition and justice that rivals the Fantastic Four. They will fight to the death if something is just a hair off, convinced that the other one has it better, is better, is more loved.

I don't know why. Like I said, we work on this every day.

For now, it works best for us if you invite both kids and if you come to me first. It's not a must. It's not an order. Just a request. From one mom suffering from first friendships to another.



 

First Friendships as a Twin

My twins do everything together. They've never been apart. They prefer to be together always, and like I've said before, I'm just convincing them that they don't have to compete over all the specifics and that they can (gasp) like or want different things at the same time.

Any friendships they've had thus far, they've made as a unit. Lilly and Dulce make a friend. As LillyandDulce. It's all they know.

The only friendship they've nourished as separate people has been the friendship they have with each other. And let's face it, that friendship is weird.

As twins, they are always together. They do everything together. They play every game together. They make every move together. They discuss every decision together. They eat together, sleep together, watch movies together, do any activity together.

To them, that is what friendship means. Friendship means together. And it means together all the time.

At school, for the first time, they've been able to pick their friends...as separate people. Of course, the friends kind of picked them, since they would have been content just to be with each other all day, but miracle of miracles, one little girl picked each of the girls to be her best bud.

And the girls took to that like wildfire. Now Lilly talks about her friend A when she comes home, and Dulce talks about her friend N. I've seen it happen, too. They get to school and they go off with their separate friend.

Of course, those friends didn't really know what they were getting themselves into.

Because right now (and I'm sure this will get better as the girls get a better grasp on how to actually socially relate to people), the girls are treating their friends like their "school twin."

You can imagine Dulce's shock and amazement when N wanted to play with someone else for a while.

"Mommy," she said on the car ride home, "Today I was playing with N, but then she wanted to go do something else with R, and she didn't want me to come."

"Oh, well, what did you do?"

The answer was matter of fact. No hurt feelings. No "that moment when" awkwardness.

"I followed her."

I felt a parental twinge then. I didn't want my girls to go around annoying their friends because their friends didn't want to stick to them like glue. There are 20 kids in the class. Sometimes the friends will want to play with someone else. And sometimes the girls could use that time to find even more friends.

I tried to explain that to them.

They nodded and said okay.

I don't think that this is going to be an issue as they grow, but I found this in-between stage really interesting. Right now, they're still stuck on their one new friend. I'm curious to see how it will all turn out.



 

Moment of the Week: 113 - Lollipops Before Breakfast

This week: toddler logic at its best. Dulce makes the case for a lollipop before breakfast.

 

Special Days -- Twins' Style

My twins are four. They know they are different people. They know it. Yet their lives revolve around this fierce competition, a strange competition, in which no one must win or lose, but all things must be equal at all times. At the same time.

I've just recently gotten them to start accepting different snacks if the want different things. Previously, the twin that wanted something, wanted the other twin to also have it, even if she didn't want it, and if that twin wasn't eating it, then never mind, they didn't want any snack at all.

Not having power over the brain and desires of the other twin eats at the girls day in and day out.
 Related to this, one cannot have anything special that the other does not get exactly at that moment. I mean, they can, but they hate it, and it results in some very tactical movements on my part for days.

It's understandable in a way. I mean, they even share a birthday, the most special of days. This is a hard concept for them. But it must be taught. They must understand. It's not a slight to one when the other does or gets something good.

That's something even adults struggle with. When a friend meets with success, we cannot take it as a bad reflection on ourselves. Yet sometimes we do. Doubly so with twins who are only four years old.

Hah! I just told Dulce she was a good girl. Lilly immediately asked, "I'm not a good girl?"

Point.

Anyway, the preschool operates on a system of "special days." These are the days each student is responsible for snack and gets to do things like lead the line and sit in the center of the circle.

Every time our special days come (and they're one right after the other, thank goodness), it is mayhem here all week. The first twin constantly harping on how it is going to be her special day first, and the second twin pitching fits about it.

The entire time we prepare, I have to fend off tantrums and ultimatums, constantly explaining about turns and sharing. Constantly affirming that they are separate girls and deserve their own special day.

Yesterday, we made these:

Why, yes, they are chocolate covered pretzels made to look like pumpkins. Because I am a pinterest master. But that's beside the point.

During the craft, I had a glorious reprieve, in which Dulce finally let up and started having a good time. She accepted that she would go second. Or so she said.

I should have known she meant for that one second, and she'd go right back to complaining about it as soon as the craft was over.

I hope to report that as the year progresses, the girls get used to this. And not for their maturity and grace, but for my sanity.


 

The Dark Ages of Twindom

Some problems are exacerbated with twins.

I'm sure some twins are expertly behaved at all times, and some singletons have many more issues than my twins, but I'm saying that some issues exist purely in the realm of twindom.

I'm going to list our more frequent issues (some of these happen in any sibling relationship, noted.)

- The Quiet Instigator: As twins, they know what really ticks the other one off. And as four year olds, they know how to use that information to their ultimate advantage. I can't count the number of times one has gotten slightly upset about something, maturely gotten over it, only to have the other walk by and quiet as can be ask a question about the original problem in such a way that the first just bursts into tears. Thanks, kid.


- The RAGEBEAST: Another result of instigation is ragebeast. And then, well, who do you punish? The little twerp who poked at her sister on purpose because she gets some kind of enjoyment out of her sister's pain? Or the out-of-control kicker and/or biter who couldn't take a good-natured ribbing and flipped her shit?

I just don't know, people. I just don't know. I'll punish both for $800, Alex.


- The Interrupter: Sometimes it takes my girls a little while to think about and spit out what they are thinking. If one senses the other one having trouble, she'll interrupt in one of two ways.

First, positively. She'll try to help the first twin find the words she was looking for. She'll ask, did you mean such and such? This usually results in screaming as the first twin really wanted to come up with it by herself.

Second, negatively. The other twin will begin singing nonsensically and loudly, just because she can, or even worse, she'll start talking to me, too, with complete command of the language, frustrating the first to tears and rage.


- The Punishment Sabotageur: When one twin is doing something worthy of punishment, and you then put them in time out, take away a toy or a privilege, or keep them home from something fun, the other one flips out at the unfair treatment of the first, throwing herself between your punishment and your punishee. If one of them has been good enough to go rollerskating, for example, and the other has been hell on wheels and so clearly doesn't need the skates, the first one will not do anything that the first cannot do. So that both must face the consequences. If you want them to follow you, and one of them is, if the other one doesn't, the first will stop, or pull on your arm, screaming like a lunatic, Don't leave my sister, don't leave her, mom, mooooooom, stop, please, stop! Like you'd abandon the misbehaving twin. It's a total killjoy for the 'just walk away from them' parenting technique. Also, it makes you look like a crazy person who's obviously torturing your children. Thanks, kids.


- The Big Dealer: When you have two of the exact same age, they have trouble prioritizing. Everything is a big deal. Now, when it's one child who thinks light blue instead of dark blue socks is a bigger deal than getting to preschool on time, you can usually reason with him. If you have two, the one being nuts has back up and thinks she's totally in the right. And I'm the kind of parent who will. not. get. you. the. dark. blue. socks. because. that's. fucking. crazy.

So, we're late a lot. But I'm not giving into ridiculous demands if I can help it. I already live in a world of topsy turvy ridiculousness without giving in on the damn socks.






 

Guest Post - Raising Toddlers in Love

Today I have a guest post that draws attention to some simple parenting knowledge that sometimes gets overlooked.

_____

 I have raised two children that have passed the toddler stage, but I remember it well. I have several cousins
who are just now going through this stage with their children. I have been doing my best to dole out advice;
this is not from books or from my vast knowledge. This advice comes from trial and error, things that
worked and things I found out absolutely did not work. I want to share some of these with you because
I know how very difficult things can be when you have very young children. Hopefully I can pass on
something that will help.

I had two very different children, a girl who was as close to the perfect child as you can get, and a boy
who had to touch everything, demanded all your attention, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t
understand the reasons why; what makes one child so different from another when they are raised
identically? I suppose it’s because they are individuals…hmmm. We sometimes don’t think of our children
as individuals, we think they are an extension of ourselves.

I could tell my daughter that something was not to be touched and she would not touch it. If you told my
son it was hot and would burn him, he had to see, every time. I imagine it is a different learning style, one
is a verbal child and one is a hands-on kind of guy. The first thing you need to do is figure out what type
of child you have. Study them a little, see if they listen and learn, see and learn, or have to experience
something full blown. If you have the latter it’s a greater challenge but it can be done, I know.

There are several things to keep in mind when dealing with toddlers from about age eighteen months
until around about four or so. They are learning everything from scratch, everything is new and they are
picking up large amounts of information. Imagine yourself in a foreign country and you have a little over
two years to learn the culture, language, ideas, and concepts of that country, how would you do? A little
frustrating perhaps? You might find yourself throwing a tantrum or two. On top of that they are learning
independence, how to go out on their own. They need to learn this a little at a time as they grow up so they
can function as adults someday. We, as parents, need to help them to do this without letting them harm
themselves. Also during this time we need to teach them obedience, it starts with us. How can they obey
the law, respect their teachers, or work under a boss if we do not teach them at home?

They are undergoing so many changes, including major motor skills, intellectual skills, social skills, and
emotional changes. They are going through all this plus they are having difficulties getting around as
quickly as they’d like. They also lack the communication skills they need to get across their feelings.
I don’t know about you but I would be having a melt down too. We as parents need to keep all these
things in mind as we raise our little ones. Take all these aspects into consideration and love them through
it.The problem usually arises when we are trying to do something we want to do and they do not want to
cooperate. These may be the years when we have to give up a lot of what we would like to do. Unless of
course you have grandma and grandpa babysit or someone come in to sub for you.

There are a few ways that I have learned that will help during these years. One of which is to not give them
too many choices. It is a good idea to give them choices because they need to make decisions, just limit it
to two choices at first. I don’t have a food example to give you but I can give you another example of too
many choices that occurred when my daughter was two. And she was not easily shaken! It was her second
Christmas and we sat her down in the middle of the living room. We started placing her gifts around her so
that she could open them; there were probably eight or ten from different family members. Well, needless
to say she went absolutely berserk! We had to take all the gifts out of the area to another room and it wasn’t
long before she settled down. Way too many choices!! They cannot cope; the sweet little darlings go into
overload.

They also need limitations and schedules, they will thrive on structure. You need to give them boundaries,
for example, only allowing them to play with their toys in their bedrooms and perhaps the family room.
They don’t need to string them out all over the house. They should not be allowed to climb on the furniture
or the cabinets. My point is, just set rules and stick to them. Your child will enjoy his or her life a whole lot
more if they are not allowed to run amuck. They need the security this provides.

Keeping them on a schedule is very important. There are times that everyone has to deviate in life because
it is, after all, life. But there should be consistency in their lives. Naps are extremely important if you want
to help your child (and keep your sanity). I was reading an article that stated that they need a total of 13
hours sleep a day, consisting of a two hour nap and eleven hours of sleep per night. The naps need to be at
approximately the same time every day and bed times need to be set. If you have a child like my son this
will be a challenge. I had to sit beside him and rub and pat him to get his little body settled down.

I took some advice from another woman when my kids were small who explained to me the importance
of down time for you and the children. As your children get old enough to play on their own there should
be an hour a day of quiet play. If you have more than one child each child goes to their room (unless they
are too young of course) and spends an hour playing, no television or computers, just playing or reading
quietly. Her philosophy was that everyone needs to learn to entertain themselves and not have to be
entertained, it is important that they have this life skill. I thought it was a brilliant idea. My daughter loved
it because she was a reader, even at two she would sit and read the books I read to her over and over, she
had them memorized and “read” to herself. My son would not read but loved blocks and trucks and could
play with those for at least twenty minutes. I had to do a little more work with him, but it was worth it to
have quiet in the house not only at nap time but a sort of time out for everyone.

Do your best not just to say no to your children but to give them options on other things they can do. My
mother was the queen of distraction. If a child was determined to do something and it looked like a fit was
brewing she would offer another, better opportunity to them. At this age they can be easily distracted and
if it keeps tantrums at bay then I’m all for it! I remember my daughter at this age, she was the master of
distraction too. It worried me a little because I didn’t want her to become manipulative so I did keep it in
check. She was three and my nephew was two. He invariably wanted the toy she was playing with, so she
gave it to him. She then proceeded to pick up another toy and become “fascinated” with it which would
make him really want that toy and drop hers. Problem solved. If you can get them interested in something
else before the situation escalates it is always a better solution. Pick your battles before you go into battle
mode. Determine if it is something that they can understand, something that is important to their growth,
and make sure you are not so fatigued that it turns into something else. This is when it is time for “the quiet
hour”.

I hope some of this experience and information will help. I was very thankful to have a supportive family
around when my children were small. There are times when you just have to cry out for a little support
and a night out. Make it easy on yourself and the children and don’t put yourself in high stress situations.
You may have to stop eating out except at Micky D’s for awhile. You may have to pass the baton to your
husband while you go to the grocery store. It’s important to remember not to go to battle with your toddler
but to do everything in love for their good. Take a breath, step back and think about what is important.
Make a schedule and stick to it, stay structured for their good and yours. Don’t try to have too many social
engagements or outings for the children. They need the security of home. God bless you and your children
and have fun with your babies.

______

Author Bio:
Paul and his wife Julie both spend quite a bit of time coming up with ideas, blogging, and
researching all things related to childcare. They take care of all the necessary information related
to “babysittingjobs.com”. He personally thinks his blog will help finding information on all things related
to a babysitter.



 

Cookies and Communication

This morning, my girls were discussing the cookie-making we're going to do this afternoon. Dulce wants to make chocolate chip cookies. Natalina wants to make sprinkled cookies.

We're making peanut butter cookies...because I'm the mom and I don't care what you want, particularly when you want different things, and you are looking forward to yelling about that.

During the course of their lengthy discussion on the merits and faults of all kinds of cookies that we are not making, Dulce had a wonderful idea.

"I know!" she said. "We can put chocolate chips and sprinkles on the peanut butter cookies!"

Indeed we can. Problem solved. Or is it?

I took Dulce to mean that we could put chocolate chips on the cookies she made, and put sprinkles on the cookies Lilly made. Mine, of course, would have sugar on them...mostly because I'm boring.

"Great idea, Dulce!" I replied. "We can do that."

Cue a shriek from Natalina.

There were two problems with this solution as far as she was concerned. The first was that Dulce had thought of it instead of her.

This is not just a childhood problem. How often are we held back in life because someone else came up with a glorious idea we wished we had had? How often, when we hear that person praised for their insight do we bristle, shutting ourselves off from cooperating in something we would have otherwise stood behind? Remember, when someone else does well, it does not mean that we are doing badly.

I have to remind my kids of this all the time. One of us will say to one of them, "Oh, you're so clever!" Or "Oh, you're so funny!"

And my other child, having no filter or subtlety, will say this: "You don't think I'm funny / clever!"

Which obviously isn't true. A good reflection on someone else is not a bad reflection on you.

Sometimes, they'll take it even further.

"You don't love me."

It seems overly dramatic, but it captures a true feeling that we all have, an easy step from the first notion. So that if we first think, "Someone did well, that means I did poorly." We then go to, "I'm not worthy of being praised because I've done poorly." Which can easily turn into, "I'm not worthy of love."

Again, huge over-simplification, but this is real, in subtler form. 

Of course, I always correct my child, saying that she is also funny and clever and of course I love her. The child who received the praise at that particular moment had done something specific that I was praising. What she did. Not what she is.

The second reason Natalina was upset about these cookies was that she didn't want to ruin her sprinkle peanut butter cookies by putting chocolate chips on them.

A misunderstanding.

A simple misunderstanding that elevated into madness because my four year old is too young to take a second to think about what has actually been said versus what she perceived.

This also happens in the adult world quite frequently. My husband laughs at me, saying I have the worst hearing in the world (I, on the other hand, would argue that he's a mumbler), and I'll often mishear things he's said, and repeat ridiculous notions back to him.

Example:

"It's a nice, clear night out tonight."

"Why would a deer need light out at night?"

He'll laugh and say, "Yes, that's exactly what I said. Take the thing that would make the least amount of sense, and go ahead and try to make it work."

Hah.

That's a benign and ridiculous example of something that's much more pervasive in real life. Mainly, that what you hear is most likely not what the other person said.

And if you hear something completely obnoxious, better to question it first, to be sure you are gleaning the right meaning from the speaker, instead of immediately going on the attack. They could be saying something you want to hear, and you've simply missed it through the haze of your own distractions.

Clarify before getting angry. Otherwise, we're all just toddlers throwing tantrums about chocolate chips, when we could have had our sprinkles without the tears.

Communication is so important. We think that because we learned to talk we automatically communicate effectively, but that's not necessarily the case.

I'll try to teach myself what I'm teaching my kids. Be patient, really listen, compromise, use words, speak, be heard, understand, have faith in yourself, take joy in others' accomplishments.

They are all tied together, no matter how much we'd like to tackle them separately.












 

Preschool Pointers - 3: Wait

Problem:

You want your child to do something, a developmental milestone you hope for them to reach. But they won't or they can't, and everyone is frustrated and it just isn't going how you'd hoped. Note: Want is the key word here. If you need your child to do something, you'll just have to barrel through.

Solution:

Wait. I continually jump the gun with my kids. I think they should be ready for something, typically about four months before they actually are. When I try to engage them in said activity the first time, it is a flaming ball of fail. This happened with transitioning to sippy cups, with potty training, with talking, with playing independently, and with preschool. Last year, I tried preschool. They weren't ready, but more importantly, I wasn't ready and I ended up sabotaging the whole thing. So I took them out (we also couldn't afford it.) This year, preschool is free for FL residents. And after three days, the difference between this year and last year couldn't be more defined. They like it, they have fun, and I don't feel like a jerk. Sometimes you think you're ready when  you're not. Sometimes you think you should be ready and you make yourself feel bad. In my experience (for neurotypical kids) you just need to wait a little while.







 

Growing Up, the Good and Bad

My little girls are in preschool. Both in the 'wow, they're growing up' way, and in the 'they are actually, right now, not in my house' way. Both ways are fantastic.

But, let's talk about growing up. I have a hard time with change and passage of time, and growing up captures both of these fears in its inevitable way. I had more than two years with my kids at home. With nothing but my kids at home. After having worked for the first 18 months of their lives, I was happy to spend this time with them, to get to know them, to guide them, all that sappy stuff.

But, being inundated with them, day in and day out, I had a hard time appreciating them, their phase in life. I was annoyed, touched out, sometimes even snappish. They are a lot. A lot of everything. And I knew better, I really did. But I can't help my nature, and that nature is not very patient. So my impatience definitely hampered some of my time with them. Instead of always growing with them, playing with them, and excusing their age-appropriate behavior, I wished the days by. Enough is enough is too much of this.

But it's time I'll never get back. And I'm thankful for the times when I was able to take a step back and really look at my babies...for who they were at two and three and four. Now that they're gone for three hours a day, we can never go back to the full-time, all-the-time, never-apart years again. This is it. They're in school now for the rest of their lives with me. So, really, those two years weren't so long, were they?

And, of course, my friend is torturing me with sappy songs about kids growing up and not giving a damn about their parents anymore, while the parents remember so poignantly the first years of life.

The love a baby/toddler/preschooler has for her mother is beyond any other love I've ever experienced. It truly is unconditional. My kids love me hard. They love me so hard.

Will that go away with time?

I fear that. I want them to love me like this, like I love them, for all of their lives, with no breaks for angsty teenage years, no breaks as they struggle to figure out who they are apart from me.

So, while I relish that my kids are growing up and this is how it should be, I am also incredibly sad that these years, this love, will also change and grow. I want my cake while eating it. As always.

I love you, girls.


 

Toddler Tricks - 99: Teaching Tools are Games

Problem: You're all bored. It's summer, and you've gone to the pool or lake everyday, then it rained for a week and you saw every movie, went to every library and store just to get out of the house, and even went to the mall playland. You're fresh out of ideas and you've got eight hours before bedtime.

Solution: Teach them stuff. I got play clocks and dry erase marker boards with the letter lines on them at Target in those dollar bins. They're amazing. If we can't get outside, or we've played all the games, we break out the learning tools. These are just as good, if not better, than games for the girls. They love practicing writing, and the activity can keep them engaged and involved for more than an hour. I'll show them how to draw and "A" and they'll each take a turn practicing, drawing "A"s in a line after mine. They'll be quietly amused and so proud of themselves, too. And, honestly, it's amazing to see your children start to write. This can start any age, really. My kids and I have been playing with / learning with the clocks from about that age. They still can't tell all the times, but they've got the hours and half hours down. Geography is great and easy, too. Buy a map, spread it out, point to stuff. Done, done, done. It's better than playing Barbies (in my opinion) for sure.

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Toddler Tricks - 98: Wait Them Out

Problem: Your child won't wipe herself, or eat, or sleep, or whatever it is she won't do. It's a battle of wills, and you aren't giving up.

Solution: While it's best to avoid battle of wills, I can't always to this. I'm just not patient in that way. I find, when I've made the mistake of taking a stance, it's best to remember that I've got all day, and I've got nothing to lose. I wait them out. Unless we have somewhere to be, or something, when the issue must be forced, I've found that eventually, about three, or 10 or 25 minutes after I think they'll give in, they'll actually give in. Don't respond to the begging or the wailing or the tantrum throwing. Just wait. They know what they're supposed to do, and you don't have to validate their stubborn behavior until they do that simple task. And when they do it, praise the hell out of it. Tell them how big they are and how good, and how proud you are of them. My kids really like praise, and it helps them make the right choice earlier next time. You can even say during one of these stand-offs, "It would make me so happy and proud if you would do this." They like that.


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Things Your Kids Should Be Able to Do by Four

Oftentimes, I live in a hellish world of lunacy where children just less than four make the rules. And this seems totally reasonable. Why? Well, they're the only people I see all day, so suddenly playing markers in nothing but underwear and throwing cereal on the floor when we're pissed seem like reasonable things to do.

Okay, those are exaggerations, but the point is, don't be fooled. They're wrong. Your kids are wrong. They simply don't know what they're talking about, and they don't know what's good for them. It's true.

Here's a short list of things your neurotypical child should be able to do by the time she's ready to turn four.

1) Use the bathroom by herself.

This is the main driving point behind this post. One day last week, I was at my rope's end. I had been sitting in the bathroom, with my perfectly capable children, reading them stories or making up stories to tell them while they were on the potty. It started when one of them had a bit of constipation and I was attempting to distract her while she tried to go. But what started out as one ten-minute story became dozens of stories "until I'm done, until I've gone poopoo." Two and a half hours, that day, Dulce made me sit with her. I had lost my mind.

Then I realized I could get up. There was nothing stopping me from getting up. So I did.

And I went right to facebook to ask if I was being immeasurably cruel by no longer sitting with my kids in the bathroom. The resounding comment cascade? "What are you, nuts?"

Apparently no one in the history of the world does this for their children. Except me. Because my kids told me that sitting in the bathroom was appropriate and that everyone did it. And I believed them.

Don't believe them.

2) Dress herself.

That night I had a major break down / break through. I also stopped dressing them. Because they are freaking almost four years old and they know how to dress themselves. They just don't. And they tell me that I'm supposed to do it. And I believed them.

My girls are more than three feet tall. Have you ever seen a child almost as long as a meter stick stretch out on the floor so you can put her overnight diaper pullup on? Like she's an infant?

It looks ridiculous.

So, I said, no more. You put that on yourself, and your nightie, too. And you take your own clothes off. And do it standing up. For all the commotion in this house, you'd have thought I declared World War Three.

But they finally did it. And they've been doing it since. Because, let's face it, they've probably known how to do it for a whole year, and they were just laughing behind my back as I continued to slave over and baby them.

3) Clean up.

I'm not even going to go into detail about this one, but your child knows how to put toys away. He just does. He knows where they go because he has to go get them to throw around the house, right? And he's seen you put them back hundreds of times. He knows what "pick up your toys" means. Don't do it anymore.

4) Eat.

We tackled this one a long time ago, and my kids are now adept at using silverware. But they'll still be jerks about it when they remember. I can't count how many times I've watched one of my kids aimlessly "try" to stab a piece of chicken, only to victoriously call out that she "can't, it's too hard." Or they'll push the fork so softly, holding it barely erect so that it will clatter to the floor before poking up that squash.

So many times, they've looked at me like, "see? I can't do this." And I've been like, "Well, use your right hand, then." And done.

They know how. It's that simple.


And the interesting thing about this is that they are happier doing things for themselves. They just don't know it. They assume they're happier having you do things for them because it shows you care, or it gives them attention from you, or whatever, but it's probably almost as annoying to them as it is to you. Almost. They just get so used to the routine that they can't imagine life any other way. And neither can you.

It doesn't have to be this way. Stop the insanity. Your kids, and DEFINITELY my kids, can do almost anything by themselves. I just have to stop letting them convince me otherwise.

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Leap Frogging

I've mentioned the switch my children experience on a monthly (or daily) basis. Attached to that, or right next to it, is the leap frog. This could be a twin thing, or maybe it's just my kids, but it seems just as we begin to worry about one falling behind, she surges us with a massive brain boost to outshine her sister, who had been doing better at a particular skill for months, if not her whole life.

Right now, Dulce is in a growing frenzy. I should have known, should have been prepared when over the past few weeks she became a little monster. Crying at anything, pushing back, yelling at me, giving me attitude over everything. I was about to buy her a bus ticket. As usually is the case, all the crying, wailing and screaming takes the place of the English language. Whoever is afflicted stops using words. We ignore it for the first few days, but by the time a week passes, we start getting worried. What if she's lashing out because she can't find the words to communicate?

Yeah, no. At least in this family, at three and a half, that is not the case. The next theory to be considered and then thrown out the window is that she's miserable with us, we're horrible parents, and we're raising a spoiled brat. Those are a hard few days.

Then, presto chango. About elevenity billion new skills show up and the screaming tapers off. The girls take turns doing this, hence the leap frog.

During Dulce's mammoth three-week tantrum, Lilly shined. She was sweet, advanced in language, docile, inquisitive. It was clear she was the twin out in the lead, developmentally.

Then within the span of a few days, Dulce gained on her and surpassed her. Dulce became better at memory games than Natalina, which has never been the case. She's drawing faces more accurately and with more detail than Natalina, and we always thought Lilly had more skill with the pen. She's coloring better than her sister, too. She's even dancing better than her sister, and we've always called Lilly the graceful, rhythmic one.

I'm not worried about Lilly, yet. We're in that magical stage where, although they still push me around mercilessly, at least they're both sane. Once Lilly drops off that cliff, though, I'm sure I'll forget and start to become anxious about delays or not giving her the opportunities she needs. Then, most likely, three days later, I'll have a math-doing, reading-and-writing, totally advanced three year old. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but you get the idea.

 I only wish the developments could come without the cryfests.

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Moment of the Week - 90: Three Years of Hair

In celebration of their first haircut, I give you, three years of hair from my girls! (Or lack thereof).

November, 2008 - 3 months old

February, 2009 - 6 months old

October, 2009

14 months old

March, 2010 - 21 months old

August 2010, 2 years old

November 2010, 2 years, 3 months

April 2011, 2.75 years old

October 2011, 3.25 years

April 2012, 3.75 years

 

Imaginary Enemies

Some kids have imaginary friends. Mine have pretend enemies.

Maybe it's because they're twins and have a built-in playmate that they don't need to expand their social group to those characters solely in their minds. Or maybe it's because their loveys, Bear and Bean, are friends enough for them, the high-pitched squeals of the teddy bear and blanket often voicing the more babyish views of my growing children. When one of them is afraid of something, their lovey tells me that it's afraid. When they want to throw tantrums, it's Bear or Bean at the forefront, doing the most misbehaving. Any notion my children deem beneath them is awarded to their loveys.

Of course, the stuffed animal and battered blanket are also the girls' main audience for their shows. They're the object of many feedings, and naps. Many times, the loveys will find themselves cordoned off in the bedroom while the girls "go to the gym" or "go grocery shopping."

The imaginary enemies, though, are different. The witch and the monster have traditional roles in our household. They intimidate the twins, compelling them to call out a warning to me or their daddy should we wander too far outside at night. They're the evil ones that my girls are convinced will try to get them in their sleep.

These are all things I expected.

What took me by surprise is the new game that's popped up in the past few weeks or so.

Giving the characters voices, much like they do for Bear and Bean, the girls will channel these malevolent ghouls, usually when they want to be bad.

There have been many dinners as of late where my husband and I have had to "kick the witch and monster back to the moon" so the girls could eat their meals.

"Mommy, the witch doesn't want me to eat my dinner," they'll say. Then they'll break into a gravelly voice. "No! Dulce will not eat her dinner. I am the witch, and I say no."

"Go away, witch," is the standard reply. "You have no power here."

And then we can continue our meal.

Sometimes, the girls will ask me if I love the witch, or if I'll hug her,. I usually say, "Well, if the witch would be good, I would think about it."

When I tell them I love them out of the blue, they'll say "I love you, too." But over the past few weeks, they've then paused, thought about it and asked, "Do you love the witch, too?" I'll usually say no. I don't know if that's the right answer.

What if they are looking for validation that I'll love them when they're good and when they're bad? But, then again, what if they don't want me to love the thing that torments them and causes them fear?

I'll give them a hug. "But you won't hug the witch, are you?"

"No, I won't hug the witch."

With imaginary friends like these, who needs enemies?

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