Kindergarten Kids - Self Fulfilling Prophecies

Problem: 

Your kids are crying, so you tell them to stop. Or, your kids are laughing so you tell them to stop, not because you don't want them to laugh, but because you don't want them to cry, which usually happens about .87 seconds after they start laughing. Or your kids are shouting gleefully and you tell them to stop, not because you don't want them to have fun but because you don't want them to cry which usually happens 1.35 seconds after they start shouting gleefully. Or your kids are running around having fun so you tell them to stop, not because you don't want them to have fun and use up their energy, but because you don't want them to cry...see where I'm going with this?

Or, your kid spills something and you let out an exasperated sigh, not because she spilled something, but because you assume she's going to cry about it, make it into the biggest deal in the world. Because that's what she does. But she hears your sigh and then uses that to cry over, possibly tying the two together in a way you didn't mean. "When I spill things, I exasperate mommy." Which isn't true, only it looks like it is. Even an adult would connect the two because no one is a mind reader.

That's important to remember. No one is a mind reader. Not even you.

Solution:

Try to break yourself out of the habit of "cutting things off at the pass" or "nipping things in the bud." If it's been a while, your kids might surprise you by acting like normal human beings with just minimal guidance in a way they would have six months ago. But they're not going to get that chance, nor are they going to learn to handle their emotions / business by themselves if you intercede before they've even had a chance to figure out what's going on.

And if you're interfering with a negative mindset, they are, of course, going to react to that, just as much, if not more than they would have reacted badly to the original scenario in the first place.

I just figured out I was doing this myself this week, after the girls blissfully went to kindergarten, giving me a half second to be out of the situation and view it objectively. I think by giving them the benefit of the doubt, they are learning valuable coping skills that I was blocking from them previously simply because I could not with them any more.

If you assume the worst of your kids, even if they have given it to you in the past, you'll never get a chance to see the best.







 

Preschool Pointers - Keep It Moving

Problem: 

You're having 10-15 four and five year olds over your house for a "party."

Enough said.


Solution:

First, have a set time. Three hours seems to be optimal.

Second, you can do games if you want, but I don't like to at this age. Think about it. It involves gathering a large group of rowdy kids you don't know that well and shouting instructions at them, hoping they'll coalescence into a cohesive unit of teamwork. Totally reasonable to expect that of this age group, right?

Instead, I have random distractions planned. They came in, there was a bounce house. When they started to tire of that, I put out the snacks, when they had eaten and were just getting bored I hid some bubble containers around the yard and had them find them and blow bubbles, all while I was ordering the pizza.

The pizza took longer than I thought, so we lined up and did the pinata while we waited and I got the cake ready. Then, just as everyone was losing steam again, the pizza came. Then cake, then presents and oh look the three hours is up. Goodbye.

Also, make sure to invite friends of yours too. Have adult beverages and enough adults so that they can talk to one another as the kids play. Let the parents drop their kids off if they want, but create the kind of atmosphere where if they stay, it's not all about wrangling the kids from one activity to another. It's actually about having a good time at any age.

In related news, I survived the party yesterday.

 

Preschool Pointers - 44: Never Think 'How Bad Can It Be?'

Before we get into this, let's just be honest, that's just good advice for all of life any time, anywhere.

But, in relation to kids (and only one way of the many it applies), here goes:

Problem:

It's mid-summer, school is eons away. Eons. And your kids have lodged themselves so firmly up your butt you're pulling your hair out from the pain. It's not that you don't love them. You do. So very much. But do they have to touch you all the time? All. The. Time. Really, at this point, all you can do is muddle through. You dug this hole, made this bed. The solution would require going back in time. But you can be prepared for next year.

Solution:

Do not ever, ever, think, "How bad could it be?"

Because it can be that bad. And you don't want to take the chance.

I did this for three years straight, you think. Before they went off to pre-school last year, I had them all day, every day, and I somehow managed to keep my sanity. What's ten weeks?

An eternity, that's what.

And P.S. you didn't keep your sanity. You've just forgotten. Or you were used to being nothing but a receptacle for tears, tantrums and hugs all day, every day, resigned to that life.

Don't do this to yourself, to your kids. You all deserve better.

Even with our scheduling and activities out the ears, I'm still dying over here, and they're still bored. I don't get it, but it is what it is. We do, like, three or four big things a day. Not enough. Dying.

So, don't be me. Sign your kids up for something. Anything. Dance, gymnastics, girl scouts, camp, drama, vacation bible school, I don't care. Something.

And don't do it for the first few weeks. Wait until you're really going to need it. Like now. Last week would have been a great week for some kind of camp that got them away from me for three hours a day or so. Then we could have recharged and taken these last few weeks in style.

But no. Instead, we will muddle through, trudging along, trying not to kill one another before the end of August slowly creeps upon us.

Good luck.

How bad can it be?






 

Preschool Pointers - 43: Use your Words

Problem:

It seems no matter what you say, your children hear something different. If you tell them to stop misbehaving, they hear you saying that they are being bad. If you tell them act like big girls, they hear you calling them babies. If you tell them to quiet down, they hear, "shut up" or worse, "you're not important."

Why? They've got good self-esteems, they're active and spirited and happy. Why the perceived insults and sensitivity? Why the mixed, and potentially harmful messages?

Everything is about the ego at this stage. Even though the kids have passed the age of not seeing anything beyond their noses, they still relate everything back to themselves, and in the most intense way possible. So that each message you send gets internalized.

This is important in that this is the stage where you can actually cause behavior change, but you must be careful not to do so at the expense of your child's positive sense of self.

So, when your kids hear things you didn't say, what do you do? Particularly if you're still disciplining them for the original offense?

Solution:

 Make a definite effort to separate the two issues. Issue one is that your kid did something you didn't approve of and needs to be told about it. She also needs to understand exactly what the reprimand is for, so use your words well, and make sure she understands that it is not her, but the deed that is getting talked to. She will still misunderstand and make it about her. Correct her.

After you've gone through the initial reprimand, hug her and talk to her about words meaning certain things. Re-explain that your discipline had nothing to do with her as a person, simply her actions. Reassure her of your love, etc.

Don't stop there.

Make another pit-stop at, but you shouldn't do this, that or the other thing, please, because whatever reason you have at the moment to stop them from being ridiculous.

A lot of people skip that step (the last two steps really, but even people who are good at overexplaining their discipline as action-not-person based sometimes miss this last part).

If you follow up with the original complaint and its resolution, you provide closure for your child, and put the emphasis back where it should have been in the first place, had you not been dealing with a four year old.


 

Preschool Pointers - 42: Hear the Real Question

Problem:

You've said something, and your kids won't let it go. "What did you say?" they ask. "What did you say?" You repeat yourself to no avail. They get frustrated, and so do you. Are they deaf? Aside from the obvious answer, which is yes. No. They're not. They're just not understanding the concept behind what you have said.

Sometimes they'll give you a clue, and ask specifically what a particular word means. But even then frustration can occur. It frequently goes like this:

"Mama, why is that guy on the roof?"
"He's cleaning the gutters."
"What's a gutters?"
"They're like opened pipes that catch the rain and divert it to the ground safely."
"What's divert?"
"They make a path for the water to go through."
"How?"
"When the rain comes down, it slides down the roof, and collects in the gutters, the open pipes, and then flows down to the ground."
"Why?"
"...I don't know."
"What don't you know? Why don't you know that?"
"I don't know."
"But why, mommy? And also, what does open pipe mean?"
"Well, that's not really what they are at all, it's just--Ugh, I can't."
...
"But why?"

So, what do you do?


Solution:

For the first scenario, try to find the question behind the question. It's not that they didn't hear you (at least not after the second time). So what is it they are trying to understand. Try to answer the question they didn't ask. Not changing your answer to find something acceptable to them (which I sometimes do, by accident), but changing your words so that they might understand them more easily. They'll appreciate consistent content but more easily digestible explanations.

For the second scenario, do not give up.

They will absolutely ask you questions until you are dizzy and you don't know what you are talking about. Don't worry about it. We can't know everything, and I've found that my kids' crazy questions can open up new knowledge for me, or change my way of thinking, even, by forcing me to examine the reasons behind why I think certain things work the way they do.

Keep answering them. It lets them know their questions are important, that they are important. It keeps their curiosity alive. When you get to a place where you really don't know the answer, look it up. If you can't at that moment, assure your kids you will, and follow up with them.

Don't brush these learning opportunities aside. Yes, they can be annoying, but the longterm outcomes are worth it.



 

Preschool Pointers - 41: Sneak in the Suggestions

Problem:

Now that your kids are getting up there in years (you know, all of four or five), they're becoming a little more wily, a little less prone to obvious suggestions like, "why don't you go play with your dolls?" or "how about dancing to that They Might Be Giants CD?"

In fact, one they hear the words from your lips, they may be less inclined than ever to do that incredibly fun thing you just suggested. Why? Because you suggested it. Wouldn't want to give you that satisfaction, now, would they?

Plus, it sounds totally boring when you say it. Way more boring, than say, clinging to your leg and whining about being bored.

So, when you want them to play on their own, and they won't accept any of the games you've laid out for them, what do you do?


Solution:

Sneak them in. Seriously. I know I'm a big fan of fooling the kids, but this one is a little easier than most. Instead of an outright suggestion, try arousing some emotion in them about the activity and don't suggest they do it at all. For instance, this morning, after disentangling myself from my twins for a half second, I looked wistfully (well, I like to think it was wistful-looking, I'm not, actually, the best actress) at the playroom door and told a quick story about how Auntie Angie and I used to line up all our stuffed animals as audience members for a show we would put on for them.

Do I need to tell you the happy ending, there? Now, to my kids' credit, it took them about a half hour to engage in the activity (I think they're a bit wise to me), but the temptation to do something like Auntie Angie used to do was too much. And poof! 30 minutes of free time!






 

Preschool Pointers - 40: Ask the Obvious Question

Problem:

I don't know if your kids are like mine, but if they are, they might sometimes need to work themselves up into a tantrum. I mean, sometimes the premise is so ridiculous they have to spend some quality time even convincing themselves it's worthwhile to cry about.

In these instances, my child will ask me a seemingly innocent question. I will answer. The question then comes again, a little more urgently. I will pause, see the hole into which I'm about to fall, and attempt to answer using slightly different words. Now, sometimes I'm blessed with a warning, "you just don't understand me!" after which I can encourage the use of other words. But many other times, the answer simply is one my child doesn't want to hear or cannot believe. Or neither. Sometimes she just wants to cry.

Solution:

With four year olds, delicacy and tact will often get you nowhere. When my child is fixing to cry like this--when I can see the cogs in her brain turning rapidly, edging her emotional state to the brink--I stop it with a blunt, to-the-point question that brings to the forefront what is actually going on (because my kids aren't really doing this on purpose. They only know that they feel a certain way and those feeling, to their subconscious, demand a certain kind of relief.) I ask them, "Are you going to cry?"

Example:

"Mom, why are there rainbows?"

"Well, after a storm, the sun sometimes shows through the clouds and the light is reflected and refracted, splitting it up into all the colors and showing them in the sky."

"Mom. Why are there rainbows?"

"When the sun comes out after the rain, sometimes it makes a rainbow."

"You just don't understand me."

"Are you going to cry?"

Asking the question gets rid of the undercurrent as the child recognizes what she is accidentally doing to herself. And without that undercurrent, it's easier for us to reach an agreement about rainbows without either of us getting emotional.

Example 2:

"Mom, can I have a candy?"

"No, how about some string cheese?"

"No, I want a candy. Can I have a candy?"

"You just had a candy. You have to wait before you can have another one. Sure you don't want string cheese?"

"I want candy!"

"You can't have candy right now. That's not going to change. Are you going to cry about it?"

Addressing the issue directly gives the child the choice to cry or not, whereas before, she really didn't have a choice. She was going for it, maybe without realizing it. When you put the outcome out on the table like that, your child can then assess her options. Usually, mine will make the decision, no. I'm not going to cry about this. But they wouldn't have been able to do that unless I asked them.

In my opinion, this just helps them hone their own mental processes. Soon enough (one would hope), their minds would ask this question to themselves with lightning quick speed, and the decision, then, that they make to make a fuss or not, will be a true decision.

But at four, they're just going along with the tides. Might as well help them swim.



 

Preschool Pointers - 39: Be Prepared to Cancel

Problem:

Last week, I talked about the schedule I've taken to making for the girls and I during summer. But the system is not fool-proof, and life happens. Kids get sick, they sleep too long or get up too early, you're too busy with chores, or maybe they're just involved in a crazy-fun, imaginary game at home and rounding them up to cart them to some other thing that is supposedly fun is just going to break the rhythm. But you're supposed to be at the library or museum or a movie, and you've told other people you are going, even.

Solution:

Be prepared to cancel, and make sure your friends understand that there is a large chance of this happening (if they're moms, they should get it). Be forgiving when your friends have to cancel, too. Be aware that no matter what your plans, there's a 30 percent chance of you cancelling and a 30 percent chance of your friends cancelling because reasons. If the schedule is free-flowing, easy-going, it will be a lot easier and a lot more fun to do the activities you can actually get to.

For instance, this week, we cancelled twice. We did not go to the splash pad at 10 a.m. because my girls happened to sleep that day until 9:30 a.m. (right? awesome.) We did not go to Dino Days at the library because I was editing a manuscript and the girls were playing really nicely. We went bike riding a day later than planned because it rained. The park a day later than planned because during open swim, they allowed us to stay for a lot longer than I thought they would. It's summer time. It should be easy.

 

Preschool Pointers - 38: Make an Activities Schedule

Problem:

It's summertime. That means hours upon hours of emptiness to fill, minds to stimulate, fun to be had. All this fun and education for your kids can cause wear and frazzle for you (ask me how I know). So, how can you stop the boredom without losing your mind, or frantically rushing around all the time?

Solution:

Schedule it. Obviously you can't plan your whole summer and things are going to pop up or cancel out with nothing you can do, but if you have a general framework in which you want to work, you'll find it's easy to replace or work around those variables.

I do my scheduling on Thursdays. First, I look online for free events for kids in my town. Last week, the library did both a national donut day celebration, and a make-your-own-ice-cream event.

We did both. We also went to a free movie with Jackie from Accidentally Mommy and her kids.

Then I check my "free kids stuff" coupons. My friend and fellow twin mom, Laura, and I took our kids rollerskating for free.

Then I fill the rest of the week up with playdates. Now, being a mom of twins, I automatically resign myself to being the host. Because everyone else has one kid. And I have two. So, yeah, I'm not expecting the invitations to flow like honey over here. But if my kids are entertained, that's more me time, even if they're right in my face. At least, that's what I tell myself. This week, Laura and her twins came over one day, and two little boys from the girls' preschool came over another day.

Nice finger, right? I'm a pro.

Anyway, this coming week looks like this: Playdate Monday morning, didgeridoo Monday afternoon at the library, free swimming lesson Tuesday morning, playdate Wednesday, splash pad Thursday.

Friday? Happy hour. Because, damn, did you just see my week? And then, next Thursday, I'll schedule next week. And there are only like...a billion weeks left, right? Woooo, summertime!




 

Preschool Pointers - 37: Show Up

Problem:

Your kid is graduating preschool. That's not the problem, though. The problem is that the ceremony takes place at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday? You've got work, your own school, appointments, whatever. It's going to be hard to make it, and does your kid really need a graduation ceremony at four years old anyway?

Yes.


Solution:

Show up. They'll tell you far in advance, and yes, it's a bunch of four year olds trying to sing songs and recite poetry, and yes, they'll get a little diploma (protip: don't leave your diploma at the school...oops.) But what's important to them is that you are there. This is going to be a running theme for their rest of their lives now. Sports games, concerts, ceremonies, honors, all of these will be at inopportune times, perhaps at inconvenient places, and take a while. Show up.

Even if your kid says it doesn't matter.

Now this isn't to say you have to go to every single game / event, but make a concentrated effort to attend some of the key ones. It makes a difference.

Even at four, when my husband was able to pop in for their graduation ceremony on his lunch hour (having to drive way across town to do so), my girls lit up. They were so incredibly excited and happy to see him. He didn't stay for the ice cream, but he got the ceremony, the songs, took pictures and videos and just generally made the kids' day.

These things, they will be remembered.

 

Preschool Pointers - 36: Love the Tantrum

I'm in a complicated phase with one of my little girls. She is dying for approval, and goes about getting it by acting out. Which means I can't give it to her. Which spirals her out of control, because she just wants me to love her GAWD. It's a horrid cycle and I'm looking for ways to break it. In that vein...

Problem:

Your child is a perfectionist. Not only that but she wants to hear about how awesome she is all the time. If you don't tell her, she assumes she's crap at everything, no good, and no one loves her. She holds herself up to insurmountable standards, and when she fails herself, she feels that pain so deeply, her emotions overwhelm her and she tantrums, yells, cries, screams or even physically lashes out. This can be over anything from coloring outside the lines, to wearing her shoes on the wrong feet to any other tiny little thing you can think of. Then she sees herself tantruming and tantrums again because she's tantruming. She's that disappointed in herself. Then her whole day is ruined because she refuses to give herself a break. One of these in the morning, and she's done for the day because "she hasn't been good the whole day." Her whole life depends on this strange definition of continual goodness that will or will not win your approval. And you swear to God, you didn't do this to her. You do everything you can to instill in her that she is good, behavior notwithstanding, and that you love her no matter what.

Solution:

I don't know. Honestly, we've been grappling with this on and off for years.

The best I can say is to not allow yourself to play into it. My daughter can get downright nasty and push my buttons, not because she's sociopathic, but the opposite. On some level she wants me to feel the frustration she is feeling. She is simply doing the best she can to express herself so that I totally get the level on which she is standing. But if I allow her to get to me, if I allow myself to get frustrated, then we both just have tantrums and nothing gets better. She's looking for approval and love. I give her this all the time, but she needs it more, she especially needs it when she's being horrific. So, I advise not playing into the tantrum at all as it happens. Hug your kid. Be prepared to be beaten up for a few seconds before she calms down.

After you are out of the situation is the time to talk about it. You will not be able to get through to her what you need and want at the time. She's too far gone, and every move you make is boiled down to this level: Do you love me, or don't you?

Another important thing to do is to try to stop it at the beginning of the spiral. You have to be on your game for this. Because sometimes, the signs are so subtle you don't even know what's about to happen. When she repeats herself to you and changes her tone ever so slightly, when she gets one thing wrong or does something she's not pleased with, pay attention. Give her validation immediately, and converse with her to open up her brain pathways into language. For my child, her emotions are so strong, she's like a slave to them, but if you can get to her core before her feels do, you can help guide her through.

It puts you both on the same side, fighting her tyrannical emotions, as opposed to her and her emotions fighting you.

That's all I've got. It's a work in progress.






 

Preschool Pointers - 35: Bring Them With You

Problem:

You have some adult things to do, like bring a paper to your college campus before 6 p.m., pick up some food for dinner, or run errands. You have no one to watch the kids.


Solution:

Just do it. Just bring them. Tell them what you are doing beforehand, and how you need them to behave. At four, they should be able to do you a favor. Like behave. Haha.

Now, expect these errands to take you triple time, and know that you have to make the trip about them. It took us an hour to walk to and from my car on campus to drop off that paper. Every flower had to be smelled, every hill had to be run down, every new thing had to be explored. But I learned a lot about my campus that I didn't know before.

For the food? Just bring them. And do what you want, seriously. It was the last day of my semester, so I wanted a drink to celebrate. So I had one while we waited for the food. Now, I'm not advocating taking your kids to last call at a dive bar, but having a margarita at a family restaurant while you wait for your take-out is okay. No matter what that lady giving you the side-eye over there thinks.

There comes a point when you have to start treating your babies like big kids. And yeah, it will be hard at first as they get used to their new responsibility of having to act like an actual and reasonable human being. But practice makes perfect. So keep trying.




 

Preschool Pointers - 34: Be Sneaky

Problem:

Something simple needs to change. For instance, it's a month past Easter and time to get rid of the messy, grass-filled basket. But how dare you? How very dare you? The Easter baskets must stay forever! In fact, your kids aren't even going to eat the last of their candy. They're preserving it. Forever. This is just an example. This can happen with any object at any time. Simple things. You need to slice an apple, or use the last of the grapes, or move the chairs. Change, omg, stop it!

Solution:

Be sneaky. It's actually a much bigger deal as they watch you do it than it will ever be again. After they're asleep or while they're distracted with something, clear it up quick, then go about your business. Instead of the flailing, end-of-the-world, how-could-yous, you'll get a question about the baskets (or whatever it is), maybe some lip quivering and a teardrop for show, and then they'll drop it.

They don't even know how not important it is until it's no longer there. Seriously.


 

Preschool Pointers - 33: Make Them Sleep on Your Schedule

Problem:

For a long time I've been an avid supporter of 'the baby goes to bed when it's good for us.' For years now, that's been 9, 10, 11 o'clock at night. It shocks most of my friends when they're reminded of it because what kind of kid goes to bed at that time? Well, we're a "late family" I like to say. My husband works from 10:30 a.m. to 8 p.m. so we're usually not even eating dinner until 9. Then the girls get dessert. Then they mess around for a billion years while I try to get them ready for bed and poof! 10:30.

Sadly, this is no longer working. Since nap has mostly evaporated, I end up with jerkfaces for the last three hours of the evening as they're so exhausted they're just about to die of it. Then in the mornings, they don't even want to get up. They're having breakfast right now. It is 11:15 a.m.

It's not going to work anymore. I need some time at night, and they're going to need to be at school at 7:45 a.m. next year. Meaning they'll have to be up at 6:45 a.m. Which is, like, five hours earlier than what we do now.

Solution:

I have to follow my own rules now. Remember the original statement was 'the baby goes to bed when it's good for us.' Well, now a good time is 8 p.m. Not 11.

So, I'll scale it back. We'll get back to 10. Then 9:30. Then 9. Then 8:30. Throughout the summer. And I've got to keep up on the morning side, too. I have to admit, when it's nice and quiet in the morning, the last thing I want to do is go in there and rouse the troops. Particularly because they are cranky as teenagers in morning. But, it must be done. Today I did it by singing a showtune for them. That seemed to work. I'm sure it will lose its novelty eventually, but until then, well, use what you've got.

I've got a four-month-long project in front of me. Here's hoping I can do it!




 

Preschool Pointers - 32: Nothing Wrong with Nap

Problem:

As kids get older, naps fall to the wayside. They just don't want to sleep during the day anymore, and that's okay. It's part of them growing up. But you've noticed without the sleep, your children can get super tired, cranky, ornery or all of the above, and worse, they have no idea why or even that their personalities have changed in the slightest.


Solution:

Institute a 'quiet time' in the afternoons, where your child doesn't have to sleep, but does have to stay in her room playing quietly, reading or simply resting. After 45 minutes, if she hasn't dropped off to sleep, you can open the door and let her run around loudly once again.

Whether or not she sleeps, this time will help her calm down, center herself, and recharge for the rest of the day. If she does sleep, fantastic (so long as it's not for too long). If not, at least you've re-steered her day, so that any of the high-strung emotions she was feeling settle into a more even keel.

After this time, make sure you feed her. A snack will serve to kick-start her system back up after the afternoon siesta.

 

Preschool Pointers - 31: Playdates and Parties

Problem:

Where you normally have one (or for us lucky ones, two) four year olds to keep busy, somehow you convinced yourself that having a group playdate would be a grand idea. After you're done crying in your room, you still have to entertain them.

Solution:

Whatever you do, do not ask them what they want to do. Even one four year old can't figure that out. Put eight together and there is no way anyone is coming out alive. On the other hand, do not  have a plan. Seriously. You've got to be able to go with the flow, make decisions on the fly, and gauge the situations as they come up to make sure everyone stays happy. Or at least relatively calm.

So, when you've got eight pairs of eyes staring you down, start a game. Remember, grown ups are still cool to kids this age. Grown ups they hardly know but know they can trust are even cooler. They will give you the benefit of the doubt. Lead them in a game. The other day I first did doctor, where I was the triage nurse and each of them lined up to be seen, giving me their pretend ailments, then going to sit on the patient couch. One of them was the doctor, and after each one got seen, she became the next doctor. This way everyone is involved playing not one but two roles. Then you can make one of them the nurse and step out of the game entirely. Do not forget this step. It's the best part.

Another thing I did was restaurant. First I played the waiter and took some kids' orders. I called for a chef and a few of them piled into the "kitchen" to make the food. Then I was a customer and made an order. Then I stepped out.

Just let them play and step in when shit gets rowdy, then step back out. You can have a few activities, that's a good thing. Just don't plan them in cement at certain times for certain lengths. Be ready for change.

And breathe. You did a good thing. Maybe another parent will return the favor someday.






 

Preschool Pointers - 30: Just Take It All Away

Problem:

You try to do something nice for your kids and instead of showing any modicum of gratitude, they make little, tiny problems into the most important priority, arguing, fighting, crying and generally making a mess of this. Spoiled? Yeah, but weird, right? Because it's not like you consciously spoil them.

Solution:

Just take it all away. No, seriously. I get a lot of crap for this, but I don't even care. Did you really want to go to that egg hunt anyway? Is the trick or treating for you? Are you going to have the time of your life visiting Santa at the mall? Wouldn't you rather eat all that candy your kids just received?

I mean, don't do it all the time, but sometimes, it's okay. If your kids can't get it together before you leave for an excruciatingly family-oriented event, stay home. They'll be pissed. But they were pissed anyway. And at four, they do get the point.






 

Preschool Pointers - 29: Explain "Punishments"

Problem:

The popular bend in parenting these days is not to punish, something which I agree with in principle, but find very hard to carry out in my own life. Because sometimes my kids are nasty or naughty in some way. And by sometimes, I mean at least three times a day.

And you're saying, well, of course people punish. What do you call time out and counting down and natural consequences and all that noise. It's called discipline, apparently (at least according to my copy editor in the parenting section of Global Post). But to me, it's like tomato / tomato. Like potty training / potty learning. (No offense, potty learners.)

So, how do you punish your kid?


Solution:

While I find the terminology somewhat cagey, what I can definitely agree with is the pushes behind the techniques used today, those being to single out the actions that are wrong and base discipline on actions, not on the child.

I, personally, take it another step, because I just like to talk a lot, I think.

But I'll thoroughly explain my reasoning behind each punishment. If you're in time out, it's because of this action, which probably stems from the fact that you're tired / hungry / in a bad mood, whatever.

I add on that extra section because I want my kids to start understanding their own emotions (something we have a problem with in this house. The girls get very emotional, and let the emotions carry them so that they do not attack a problem rationally, but instead flop on the floor like dying fish.)

So, here it looks like, "You are doing this now, because I said so (authority), because you did such-and-such (action-based), probably because your tired/cranky/hungry (emotional background state).

In this way, hopefully they'll soon associate how they're feeling to how they will act and how those actions will result in my reactions. Hopefully.

They will also (again, I hope), come to understand that these things are not punishments, but resets. After the time period, we can all try again.

I'll let you know if this ever works in the long-run.


 

Preschool Pointers - 28: You Don't Have to Distract All the Time

Problem:

Your kids aren't being reasonable (again!). You've asked them to do something and they won't do it, and not only that, now they're whining about it (or worse, throwing a tantrum). Or they're throwing a tantrum over over whether or not they get to shut the door, or how red the leaf they picked up is or is not. Whatever. Whatever it is that they're being feisty all over is ridiculous.

Solution:

While many parents distract, distract, distract, I tend to think that by four years old, some of that technique is held over from when the kids were smaller, less verbal, less able to think critically. And sometimes, even at four, you do need to distract, lest the whole public area you're in tumble down in the disaster about to be thrown at you. But sometimes, I think, anyway, your kids need to man up. (Or at least my kids.) I want fully fledged humans, here, and I want them to reason through their problems, prioritize and compromise. I don't want them to be good-natured because someone showed them something shiny to get their mind off their troubles. So, sometimes, I'll throw down. You broke a bit of your ice cream cone? Well, you're just going to eat it anyway, so hop to, and next time be more gentle. No, I'm not going to get you interested in how the ice cream looks at it melts or sing you a song or make you a new one. Just do the things you need to do.

It's not that this should be the only way, but I'm thinking the time has come now to integrate it into the distraction motif, and start encouraging overcoming problems rather than avoiding them.







 

Preschool Pointers - 27: It's NOT Allergies

A while back I wrote a post about how maybe my pediatrician was right, maybe my kids simply had allergies. I was wrong. It's not allergies.

Problem:

Your kid is sick again, you bring her to the doctor and you get, "well, it's allergies." A week later, still sick, you bring her to the doctor again, he shines a light here, takes a temperature there and tells you, "nope, still allergies, but now there's an ear infection...from the allergies, of course...so here are some antibiotics."

Then you come down with these "allergies" a few days later. Because, you know, allergies are so contagious. And your husband, too.

And your babysitter had to go to her doctor, and he told her "allergies" until she went back a few days later and demanded a throat swab. Because she had strep throat.

Which isn't allergies.

Solution:

Don't let them put you off. I've come to the conclusion that during winter time, some pediatricians figure these illnesses are just kid sicknesses, little viruses here and there, and there's nothing that can be done, so what the hey, blame allergies.

We've never gotten tested for allergies, so the next time we go in (follow up in two weeks for ear infection, of course), I'm going to ask him to test them. If he's going to tell me allergies every time we pay him a visit (which isn't often. I'm pretty tough. We only go to the doctor when we absolutely have to.), then he's going to tell me what they're allergic to. Because come on.

Anyway, this is the winter of sick. I don't know of any parent that hasn't suffered through multiple bouts of illness, and they're probably all viruses that no one can do anything about.

But, seriously, they're not allergies.