Attachment Parenting and Halloween -- Guest Post

Halloween is coming, and sure to come along for the ride are the likes of tantrums over costumes, sugar buzzes and upset tummies, fear over scary decorations or stranger's houses, and general chaos. For parents of the "crunchy" or "Attachment Parenting" persuasions, Halloween can lead to some additional considerations as we gently try to help our children navigate the holiday without losing our ever-loving, granola-eating, co-sleeping minds.

With Attachment Parenting International's 8 Principles in mind, here are some tips, tricks, and treats for an AP-Friendly Halloween Experience!

Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

Okay, so obviously you've already gestated and birthed your little goblin, but we can capture the spirit of this principle by preparing appropriately for the Halloween festivities. Talk to your children about the plans for trick-or-treating, try on costumes ahead of time, and give consideration to the weather in your area. For example, we live in Wisconsin, so any costume that can't fit over a full snow-suit is just poor planning. Find out the hours for trick-or-treating in your area, and walk the route you plan to take before Halloween. Have flashlights for when it gets dark, tissues for when little noses start to run, and bags or buckets to collect the candy in. Generally speaking, plan ahead and involve your children in your preparations so everyone is on the same page.

Feed with Love and Respect

There is no one way that "Attached" parents feed their children, so this will look different for different families. If you try to eat mostly organic, you're likely to be disappointed in the piles of candy that come home with you. If you're vegetarian, you'll be on the look out for candy containing gelatin. If you've got a child with a peanut allergy, the supply of Snickers won't just be a let-down, it will be danger. Consider ahead of time how to approach your family's food considerations. Decide how many pieces per day you'll allow. Plan for a "candy exchange" wherein your child trades in their candy for healthier or safer treats you've pre-purchased. Set an example for your neighborhood by offering healthy/organic/vegetarian/allergen-free/insert food descriptor of choice treats. Ensure that breast fed infants are regularly offered a chance to nurse and pay attention to hunger cues that can get missed in the excitement.

Respond with Sensitivity

There is a good chance that before Halloween is through, something is going to scare or upset your child. Affirm their fears and feelings, and be there to comfort them with a soothing voice and empathetic words. Pay attention to your children, watching for cues that they may be becoming over-stimulated, and take a break if needed. Watch the path ahead for scary or startling objects or costumes, and either point them out to your child before you approach or avoid them if possible. Oh, and don't do that super mean thing where you pretend you ate all your child's candy and video tape their reaction. Just don't.


Use Nurturing Touch 

Your touch will help your child feel safe and secure through Halloween festivities. Hold hands or carry your child while trick-or-treating or at events. Place a reassuring hand on their shoulder while they ring the neighbor's doorbell. For the ultimate in nurturing touch, go for a  babywearing costume!

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

This is probably a no-brainer, but limit candy consumption close to bed time to avoid hyperactivity and upset stomachs. Allow adequate time between trick-or-treating or parties and bed time to allow your child to wind down. A quiet, relaxing activity like completing a puzzle as a family can be a nice transition from the excitement of Halloween to the solace of sleep. Allow your child time to process any feelings of fright or insecurity while you prepare for bed time.

Provide Consistent and Loving Care

As much as possible, keep your routine consistent and predictable. Doing so can help  minimize tantrums triggered by unexpected disruptions or unexpected situations. Be physically present and emotionally responsive, and answer your child's questions about your Halloween activities in a loving and respectful manner.

Practice Positive Discipline

When the inevitable happens and misbehavior occurs, respond with gentle, positive discipline. Try to determine the needs leading to the behavior (Is your child hungry? Tired? Confused? Frightened?) and respond to those needs, rather than reacting to the behavior. If possible, involve your child in determining an appropriate solution to their perceived problem.

Strive for Balance in your Personal and Family Life

Congratulations! You've given your children a fun-filled and happy Halloween! Don't neglect your own needs and self-care in your quest to maintain your parenting philosophy through the challenges of Halloween. Achieve balance by hiring a sitter for some adults-only Halloween Fun, or raid their candy stash while they're in bed! (For some reason, every Butterfinger in the bag looks suspicious!)

Happy Halloween!

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A full-time wife and mother and a part-time substance abuse counselor. In her spare time (ha!) she blogs at Fine and Fair, a blog written to and for her children about the ups and downs along the journey of raising them as responsible citizens of the world with the values of compassion toward all living things, environmental responsibility, conservation, and celebrating diversity in all of its forms. Joella is passionate about the principles of attachment parenting, breastfeeding, feminism, and vegetarianism. She enjoys gardening, hiking, cooking and baking, crafting, making music, and aims to discover joy and beauty in each new day.

Blog: http://www.fineandfairblog.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/fineandfair

Twitter: https://twitter.com/fineandfair

Etsy Shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/FineAndFair

10 things sexier than breastfeeding

Oh Facebook. You again.

The other day, my friend at Fine and Fair wrote a great post on feminism and breastfeeding.

She used this picture:

 

Courtesy of Fine and Fair

Facebook denied her the oh-so-sweet privilege of paying a few dollars to "boost" the post (which, if you haven't noticed, they've changed their algorithms again so that if you do not "boost" your page's post, basically five people see it. Hello, ello).

ANYWAY, to commemorate this monumental occasion, here are 10 parenting occasions sexier than breastfeeding:

10) That time your toddler slipped you the tongue when you gave her a goodnight kiss and thought it was HILARIOUS. Okay, not all that sexy, but probably more french kissing than you usually get.

parent24.com

9) These slick drawings.

Reddit

Reddit

8) Laundry.

pgeveryday.com

I mean, if you really want to get dirty.


7) Movie night.

villians.wikia.com

Don't tempt us, Yzma.


6) These pajamas

polyvore.com

Because if you are wearing them, the kids are most likely in bed, which increases chances of
actual sex by, like, 23 percent.

5) Wine

goodhousekeeping.com

Literally the sexiest thing on the planet after a long day of rearing the next generation.


4) Grocery shopping

Where you buy the wine, duh.


3) Coffee.

It's sexy even though it never looks anything like the pictures.

2) The babysitter

This means a night out. Which increases chances of actual sex by 54 percent.

1) Grandparents

Because if you're really lucky, they might take the kids for the  whole  night. Which places chances of sex squarely at 82-87 percent.

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So, in conclusion, Facebook should ban photos of grandparents. Because nothing turns people on like the possibility of eight or more hours to themselves.

   

You don't have to breastfeed to be AP -- Guest Post

Coincidental to this essay going up on the Washington Post today about formula feeding shaming, Joella over at Fine and Fair gave me a post affirming that formula feeders can, in fact, be attached parents. Thanks, Joella!

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It's been a little over a year since I last attempted to do my part in helping to tear down the walls of exclusivity perceived to exist around the "Attachment Parent" (AP) label. My continued participation in a number of parenting related spaces has demonstrated that those perceptions, especially those surrounding breast feeding and AP, are entrenched in the parenting circles and related "Mommy Wars."

I see parents lamenting that they wish they could practice Attachment Parenting, but that they can't/don't/won't breast feed, and therefor, cannot call themselves "Attached" Parents.

Wrong! So wrong. So very wrong.

Before I proceed, here's some full disclosure. I breast feed. I breast fed my daughter well past her second birthday, and there is no end in sight to my nursing relationship with my 18 month old son. I, personally, have never given my children bottles (though my husband and other caregivers did). I try to help normalize breast feeding by talking about it, by confidently feeding my baby (now toddler) in public, and by offering my support and advice (when invited to do so) to friends who wish to breast feed. This is not coming from some sort of jaded formula feeder, if that's a thing. This is coming from a breastfeeding advocate, a, dare I say it? Lactivist.

There is really no room in this piece for the breast vs. formula debate. I'm not here to discuss the benefits or drawbacks of either. I'm not here to tout breast milk as superior. I'm certainly not here to shame anyone for not breast feeding, whether by choice or by circumstances. There are many reasons that people don't, can't, or choose not to breast feed. There are many reasons that babies receive their vital nutrition in a bottle, whether that's the mother's pumped milk, donor milk, commercial formula, or a homemade concoction that meets an infant's nutritional needs. This is not a place to list, or justify, or debate the legitimacy of, those reasons.

The bottom line is that one does not need to feed their babies with their breasts in order to practice attachment parenting. (See: attached fathers, attached adoptive parents, attached grandparents, attached nannies.)

I reviewed Attachment Parenting Internationals 8 Principles of Attachment Parenting in last year's "More AP than you Think".

The principle related to feeding states simply:

Feed with Love and Respect

There are, without question, ways to feed a baby with love and respect in the absence of a breast doing the job. Many aspects of on-demand exclusive breast-feeding are easily adapted to bottle-feeding, as follows:

1. Skin-to-Skin Contact

Skin-to-skin contact, especially with parents (yes, Dad too) has many proven benefits. Skin-to-skin contact can be had in many ways, (babywearing is an easy one), but breast feeding is largely associated with this integral piece of attached parenting. To achieve this while bottle feeding, the baby can be stripped down to a diaper, the feeder can remove, open, or lift their shirt during feeding, and bam! Skin-to-skin, sans breast. I'm not suggesting you do this in public (after all, my breast-fed babies did not get full skin-to-skin benefits when in public, either!) but if you can settle in at home for a nice skin-to-skin bottle feed, it will benefit both of you!

2. Following Baby's Cues

Learn your baby's hunger cues and feed according to them, rather than according to a schedule. (Obvious exceptions for babies who need to be fed on a schedule for medical reasons. Defer to your healthcare provider, not some random lady on the internet, in such cases.) Early hunger cues in newborns include licking or smacking their lips, opening and closing their mouth, and sucking on lips, tongue, clothing, fingers, toys, etc. Progressive hunger cues including fussing, attempting to maneuver into feeding position, and rooting around on the chest (or face, arm, ear, etc.) of the person holding them. Late hunger cues include quickly moving their head from side to side and crying.

3. Feeding on demand

This follows naturally with learning hunger cues. Feed babies when they are hungry, and stop when they are full. Don't try to force the baby to finish a bottle when he or she has lost interest; feed again the next time hunger cues are displayed. If you're concerned about wasting formula/pumped or donor milk/etc., offer smaller amounts to start with and then offer more if baby is still hungry.

4. Natural Feeding Position

When feeding by bottle, always hold both the baby and the bottle. Snuggle the baby close to your chest and hold the bottle against your breast (or where your breast would be if you don't have them). Switch positions from one side to the other to allow baby a different vantage point and mimic breast feeding.  "Bottle propping," in addition to posing a choking hazard, doesn't allow for our next and final aspect, bonding.

5. Bonding

During a feeding, make eye contact with the baby. Speak in soft and gentle tones, sing a soothing tune, or just quietly take each other in. Smile and vary your facial expressions. Stroke baby's cheek with your free hand; bend down to kiss baby's forehead. Even pacifier use can mimic comfort nursing by holding the baby when the pacifier is used, so baby associates their suckling reflex with being held, loved, and comforted by their caregiver.

Bottle feeding, without question, has a place in Attachment Parenting. These tips can be shared with grandparents, babysitters, older siblings, nannies, and anyone else who may be responsible for feeding your baby by bottle. Whether bottles are used exclusively or only when the mother is unavailable, following these suggestions can ensure that feeding times contribute to the development of a strong, secure, healthy attachment between baby and caregiver.

 

Moving on When Gentle Discipline Goes Wrong

When it comes to attachment parenting, I'm usually in the dark. Thankfully, we have Joella on board from Fine and Fair who consistently sheds some light on the topic in a warm and caring way! In case, she tackles the ever-difficult gentle discipline, and goes one step further. What do you do when you've lost your temper and you're an attachment parent?

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For most who practice what is known as "Attachment Parenting," gentle discipline is a given. Eschewing spankings, and for some, avoiding all forms of punitive discipline, means drawing from Saint-like stores of patience, calm, and understanding in the face of typical child-like behavior and tantrums.

I am just such a parent, and I have no such stores. Balancing my parenting style with an emotionally draining career and other responsibilities sometimes leaves my wells a little dry. There are excellent articles out there on how to work toward being a more gentle parent, or how to avoid yelling, or providing alternatives to punitive discipline. Unfortunately, sometimes in the heat of the moment, the tips and tricks in those articles escape me, and I find myself yelling, threatening, and otherwise conducting myself in a manner that is not, by any stretch of the imagination, gentle.

I've chosen to seize these missteps as opportunities to model grace in admitting my mistakes and asking for forgiveness. I am human. My children are human. We share a tendency toward imperfection. My children are going to make mistakes in their lives. They are going to lash out at others in anger or frustration. They are going to say and do things they regret to people they love and respect. By responding appropriately to my own mistakes, I set an example for how to appropriately respond to personal mistakes in general.

So, what's an attached parent to do, following a gentle discipline blunder?

1. Take time to collect yourself. In my case, my daughter is old enough that I can tell her that I need to take some time to calm down, and she will often give me that space. That's not always the case when she's in mid-tantrum and my reaction has escalated it, so if it's safe to do so, I will simply leave the room for a few moments to calm down before proceeding. I take that time to practice deep breathing or a mindfulness exercise, and to repeat affirmations to myself: "I am a gentle parent. I respond to my child with sensitivity and respect, even when it is difficult. I model kindness and grace."

2. Apologize. Apologize for your actions, not for your feelings. Uncomfortable emotions (anger, annoyance, frustration, etc.) are normal and natural, and you shouldn't apologize for being upset with your child. Apologize instead for your behavior. By affirming the feelings that led to your behavior, you do not negate the fact that your child's behavior warranted guidance or correction. Focus on your behavior and what you could have done differently to demonstrate that a big part of this whole discipline thing is learning which behaviors are appropriate and which are not. Example: "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was upset that you hit your brother, but I shouldn't have yelled. I should have talked to you calmly."

3. Ask forgiveness. Following your apology, simply ask for forgiveness. Your child may follow suit and ask for your forgiveness, too. If he doesn't, model that expectation by saying that you forgive him. "Thank you for forgiving me for yelling at you. I forgive you for hitting your brother."

4. Engage your child in avoiding a repeat. If your child is invested in the problem solving and planning process, he is more likely to follow through with your plans for preventing a repeat blunder. Consider what each of you could have done differently in the situation, and plan specific ways to avoid your problem behaviors in the future. Agree to remind each other if you notice each other engaging in the behavior (yelling, hitting, etc.). One of my favorite tried and true ideas came from this post by Creative with Kids. My 4 year old and I sat down together and cut out a stack of hearts from pink construction paper. I explained that the hearts represent our agreement to treat each other with love and respect, even when we are upset. We agreed to give each other a pink heart if we noticed the other starting to lose our temper. It worked like a dream! My child felt empowered to intervene if I started to lose my cool, and her asking me assertively if I needed a pink heart was always enough to remind me to take some deep breaths and proceed calmly.

5. Explore and affirm your child's emotions. Take the time to process the interaction with your child in an age appropriate way. If you don't have time to do this in the moment, do it as soon as possible. She may have been frightened, confused, startled, or all three! Talking about her feelings accomplishes two things. First, it shows that you care for her feelings and that the feelings she experienced are valid. Second, it helps her name her emotions and gives her an opening to explore appropriate ways to express them.

A gentle discipline blunder can be overwhelming and upsetting to everyone involved, but when handled appropriately, it can open the door to improved communication, emotional intelligence, grace, understanding, and forgiveness.

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Don't forget to check out Fine and Fair for more natural parenting tips, or take a look at our AP Style for our best instinctive parenting ideas.


 

So, You Think You Want to Baby Wrap? Start Here, a Beginner's Guide - Contributor Post

I keep seeing these amazing photos of Joella from Fine and Fair all wrapped up in elegant knots with a baby in the front, a toddler in the back, and two arms free. And I'm like, but how, though? She helped me answer that question.
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Wrap: Natibaby Hemp Clovers (Indigo)
Carry: Ruck Tied Tibetan

There are plenty of reasons that babywearing is popular (here are 10 of them!) and there are plenty of carriers on the market that allow parents to wear their babies and children safely comfortably. Woven wraps are an option that has grown in popularity but that can seem intimidating to the inexperienced. I'm here to eliminate some of the mystique around woven wraps and give some tips for beginners to get started with learning how to wrap!

More than mere pieces of cloth, woven wraps are designed and constructed for the purpose of carrying babies. They are woven from high quality natural fiber blends including cotton, wool, hemp, linen, or bamboo. They are available in a range of sizes to accommodate parents and babies of any shape and size. Different sized wraps also allow for different carries. Woven wraps can be used to carry babies in front, back, or on the hip, and can even be used to wear more than one child at the same time! The variety of colors and patterns, from bright and bold geometric designs to pastel rainbows and everything in between, mean there is an option to match every mood or wardrobe.

Top to bottom: Didymos Sequoia Waves, Ellevill Jade Spring
Natibaby Hemp Clovers (Green), Natibaby Linen Ispir (purple)

A great place to start learning about wraps and wrapping is PAXbaby's Woven Wrap Guide. Start there to learn more about the wrap lingo, sizing, and some basic information about wrapping. When you've decided to take the plunge and start wrapping, here are some of my tips for beginners, learned through trial and error in my experience as a woven wrap enthusiast!

• Choose your wrap. For your first wrap, I highly recommend buying used. While used wraps are often close in cost to their new counterparts (a testament to their great resale value!), they have the benefit of being "broken in" which makes them softer and easier to work with. Choose something you like the look of. If it's pretty to you, you will use it! Unless you can't stand them, I suggest starting with a striped wrap. Stripes make it easier to learn how to tighten, and also easier to keep track of which rail (edge) of the wrap you are working with. 
• Watch Videos. A million of them. Watch videos from different people until you find one that makes sense to you. Some of my favorites on YouTube are Babywearing Faith and Wrapping Rachel. At first, just watch. When you find a carry you want to try, watch the video a few times. Then watch the video and try to follow along with a large stuffed animal, or even a bag of flour. When you feel relatively comfortable, try it with a real baby! When you're learning, always make sure baby is calm and content, well fed, and in a clean and dry diaper. Trying something new with a tired, fussy, hungry, wet baby is a recipe for disaster.

  

  Wrap: Inda Jani Fular Mitla Rojo
  Carry: Front Wrap Cross Carry

• Start with front carries. While it can be tempting to try some of the beautiful and comfortable back carries, master some front carries before you attempt to back carry. Even if you've used a moby or other stretchy wrap a million times, wrapping with a woven is different and a bit more challenging. Mastering front carries will teach you the logistics of wrapping and give you practice learning to tighten and secure everything, which is of utmost importance when you graduate to tossing your baby on your back. Front Wrap Cross Carry (FWCC) is a great first carry. The basic Ruck carry and the Secured High Back carry are popular choices for beginner back wrappers.
• Be patient. Wrapping is a skill that takes time to learn and master. It takes lots of practice to get good at it. It took me several weeks, practicing every day, to successfully do a back carry in a woven wrap. It took me several more months to back wrap without a mirror in front of me and a bed behind me. Several more before I back wrapped in public. My first few attempts ended with me a sweaty, crying, red-faced mess. This is a physical skill and it will challenge muscles that are not used to being challenged. Be gentle with yourself, take your time, and don't give up!

Does this seem like more trouble than it's worth? Woven wraps definitely have a steeper learning curve, and can be a heftier investment, than many of the baby carriers on the market today. While those are definite drawbacks to consider, the benefits of woven wraps are that they are the most supportive, adaptable, easy to adjust carriers out there. While she's outgrown many of commercially available carriers, I can still easily carry my 4 year old in a woven wrap. I can lend a wrap to a friend of any size, with a child of any size, and know that he or she will find a carry that works for them. Pragmatism aside, the beauty of woven wraps can't be beat! If you've got the time and patience to learn, woven wraps may be the best carrier you'll ever use. 

Wrap: Inda Jani Fular Rayado
Tandem Carry

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I mean, this is just amazing, right? I'm in awe.



 

10 Reasons to Baby Wear - Contributor Post

Today, Joella from Fine and Fair shows us how easy and helpful wearing a baby can be! Why should you wear your baby?

Why yes, I did just weed my whole garden!

1. Get shit done.

Anyone with children knows how difficult it can be to get anything done efficiently, especially when they are
very needy babies. Without baby wearing, the options are: do shit when the baby sleeps and spiral quickly into sleep deprived delirium/psychosis (this depends on having a baby who will fall/stay asleep without touching you, which, lol), let the baby scream and cry while you get shit done and scream and cry yourself, or get shit done in short bursts with one hand while wrangling your baby. Babywearing keeps your baby snuggled against your warm body where they can smell your familiar smell and hear your familiar heartbeat, keeping them content (and often lulling them to sleep as you move around!) while you have your hands free to do some cleaning, cooking, yard work, homework, etc. (Safety tip! Don't bend at the waist while wearing your baby. Squat instead for bonus leg/glute toning!)

Professional.
Do not attempt.

2. More effectively parent more than one child.

The transition from one to two children can be overwhelming at best, and panic inducing at worst. My mother warned me that two children is far more than double the work. Our family doctor confirmed that the work involved with two children does not double, it multiplies exponentially, so like, science and math and stuff. Babywearing has saved my sanity as I learned to juggle the very different needs of my two children. With the baby safely snuggled against me, my hands were free to play with my preschooler, to fix food for her, or to assist her with dressing, pottying, and other self care needs she was almost-but-not-quite independent with.

3. Help lose the pregnancy weight.

When I had my first child, I totally banked on that "Breast feeding makes the weight melt right off!" crap. For someone women, it does! For other women, it does not! (Guess which I was?) Despite breast feeding my daughter for over 2 years, I never lost all of the weight from my pregnancy with her. Now, I did wear her a fair amount, but not nearly as much as her brother gets worn, because, see # 2. Wearing your baby not only adds a weight bearing element to the movement your already do, it enables you to move more because you aren't stuck on a couch or rocking chair pinned down by your baby all the time!

4. Fret less.

When your baby is sleeping  (or even just hanging out) snuggled close to your body, you will be less inclined to worry about his or her well-being. No need to go check on them 20 times during an hour long nap. No need to worry that they might find something chokable on the floor. Simply snuggle and take comfort in feeling their sweet breath against your skin! Forget babyPROOFING* and get into babyWEARING!

*j/k, don't forget babyproofing, you can't wear your baby ALL the time....OR CAN YOU?

5. Make Mama Friends.

Babywearing is a great conversation starter when it comes to meeting other moms. Whether it's complimenting another mother on her carrier, or answering questions about yours from the woman juggling babies and groceries, babywearing can give a jumping off point to start chatting up other moms. Many towns and cities also have local babywearing groups who host play dates, meetups, and picnics! Strap your baby on and talk about it, I swear it's not (that) annoying! Hell, I'm doing it RIGHT NOW!

6. Impress people.

Look at that wrap job! Fancy!

People who aren't familiar with babywearing tend to be quite impressed by it, and a little ego stroke to a new mom whose ill-fitting yoga pants are in a perpetual state of puke-covered is never a bad thing. They might be impressed how much you can (SEE NUMBER 1). Or by your ability to (SEE NUMBER 2). Or maybe how quickly you (SEE NUMBER 3). They may just be overwhelmed by how cute your carrier is, or fascinated by the precision and skill required to wrap a baby on your back. They will be dying to know how you keep your baby so quiet and content, or where you found that ingenious carrier that is both comfortable and cute. Perhaps you'll venture into the world of making or dying your own carriers and blow them away with your crafty creativity. Regardless of what they're struck by, many people are seriously impressed by babywearing prowess!

7. Deal with fewer random baby-touchers.

This point is rather self explanatory. Random creepers are less likely to touch a baby snuggled up on your chest or on your back than they are to reach right in to your stroller. A bitchy resting face offers a bit of extra insurance. ;)

You can't even tell my boob is out!

8. Breast feed in public discretely.

I'm an advocate for breast feeding moms nursing whenever and wherever their baby is hungry, however they're comfortable doing so. Many moms are more comfortable with a bit of privacy or with a cover, and many babywearing options offer both! There are a number of nursing-friendly carriers and carries that can make breastfeeding in public private and discrete with a little bit of practice. A few trial runs in front of a mirror and you'll be whipping your boobs out like a pro with no one the wiser! Wraps and ring slings are probably the easiest to nurse in, but the more popular soft-structured carriers can accommodate nursing with some creativity and practice!

9. Bond with Baby

Babywearing can help facilitate the bond between moms and babies, particularly after a traumatic birth or a difficult start with breast feeding. The close proximity makes skin-to-skin time easy and allows you to smell each others' scents (yes, even the gross ones) and hear each others' sounds (yes, even the gross ones). It further allows moms to notice cues for hunger, diaper changes, or sleeping more quickly and accurately.

10. Enjoy warm, fuzzy feelings!

Cuddling with a sweet, soft, snuggly baby just feels good. 'Nuff said!

For more on babywearing, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, recipes, and feminist parenting, all with a touch of snark and a dash of sarcasm, visit Joella's blog Fine and Fair and follow her on Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest.

More AP Than You Think - Contributor Post

Today, Joella from Fine and Fair is gracing me with a post share from her blog that explains Attachment Parenting in a way I can understand!
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If you're a parent on the internet, you've likely heard of a parenting philosophy called "Attachment Parenting" or "AP". You've also likely developed a strong opinion about it, one way or the other. Proponents of AP swear by its principles and credit it with fostering healthy, balanced, secure children; while its critics revile it as overly permissive, too difficult to maintain, and even anti-feminist. Allow me to reveal my bias: I'm a proponent. As with most aspects of the "Mommy Wars," there is little middle ground...or is there?

Let's start with defining Attachment Parenting. Contrary to a common belief, "Attachment" does not refer to literal, physical attachment, although it's true that AP parents are often within close proximity with their children in infancy. It refers instead to emotional attachment; a feeling of security, trust, and bonding between parent and child. While Dr. Sears (who I adore) and his "7 Baby B's" (which I, personally, find to be a bit too specific and restrictive in how they are interpreted) are often associated with Attachment Parenting, my preference is for Attachment Parenting International's (API) 8 Principles of Parenting. They are as follows:

Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting

Feed with Love and Respect

Respond with Sensitivity

Use Nurturing Touch

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

Provide Consistent and Loving Care

Practice Positive Discipline

Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

That sounds pretty balanced, right? Pretty attainable? Pretty adaptable to the lives of most parents? But wait, what about the part where you MUST have an un-medicated birth at home? What about the part where you MUST exclusively breast feed? Or the part where you MUST use cloth diapers? Or the part where you MUST sleep in bed with your baby? Or the part where you MUST invest in an arsenal of slings, wraps, and carriers? Or the part where you MUST make your own organic baby food and sew all of your own clothes? Or the part where you CANNOT leave your baby in the care of anyone other than the mother and therefore CANNOT work outside of the home? Where are those parts of AP?

Those are not parts of AP. It is true that many AP mothers give birth at home and breast feed. It is true that many AP parents use slings and carriers. It is true that many AP families share a family bed. It is true that many AP families embrace more "natural" choices like cloth diapers or organic food. It is also true that many AP families have a stay at home parent. These are some of the specific tools and choices available that work for some families and help them to put these philosophies into practice. They are not the only way.

You can give birth in a hospital (even with medication or surgically) and be an AP parent. You can feed your baby formula and be an AP parent. You can own a stroller and be an AP parent. Your baby can sleep in a crib, and even in a separate room from you, and you can be an AP parent. You can use disposable diapers. You can work outside of the home. You can even *gasp* be a man and be an AP parent.

Am I watering down Attachment Parenting? Am I trying to make the label so free and easy that every parent can call themselves AP? No. There are certainly some choices that are not consistent with Attachment Parenting. Bottle propping? Not loving or respectful. Spanking? Not sensitive or positive. Putting your baby to bed in a place where you can't hear their cries and not checking them until morning? Not emotionally safe sleep. Staying home every second of every day, to the detriment of your personal interests, social life, or desired career? Not balanced.

 Not everyone is an AP parent. But if you take a balanced approach to family life, if you strive to respond sensitively and positively to your children, if you seek to consistently meet their physical and emotional needs in a loving and respectful way, then you just might be more AP than you think.

Fitness Corner - 30 Days of Fitness: Contributor Post

Today, Joella from Fine and Fair takes us away from the Couch to 5K for a hot sec to talk about a different, and yet totally doable, fitness routine. It's based on the 30-day shred, and she's got nothing but good things to say!

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Last Wednesday, I did 250 squats.

I don't know about you, but for me? That's kind of a big deal.

When it comes to physical fitness, I have always been, let's say, inconsistent. I'd get into a solid workout routine, keep at it for a few weeks, and then forget that exercise is a thing for months on end. Surprisingly, all of that changed during my pregnancy with Canon. I was determined to remain healthy and strong throughout my pregnancy, committed to doing everything in my power to ensure the best possible outcomes for both of us. For the first time in my life, I was exercising consistently. I was doing yoga, water aerobics, swimming, walking, and even took up Zumba. The day before I went into labor, I was waddling, slowly but surely around the indoor track at the Y, when an older woman smiled at me and called out "Hope your water doesn't break!"

After Canon's birth, I was frustrated with having to recover from surgery before I could start easing back into the consistent physical activity I'd grown accustomed to. I started out slowly with walking, then the Babywearing Workout, then yoga, then Zumba. Consistency was difficult to come by while managing the needs of my 3 year old and my newborn, but I did what I could, when I could, re-building my strength and endurance as I went.

Fast forward to mid-April, when I started to see something about a 30 Day Squat Challenge popping up on my radar. At first, I brushed it off. I've never been successful at completing a fitness challenge. I made it 2 weeks into Couch-to-5K before hurting my knee and giving up. I made it a week into a push-up challenge once before forgetting about it. And despite owning Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred [affiliate link]for 5 years now, I've never done it consistently for more than a couple of weeks, and am decidedly...um...not "shredded."

But.

I decided to go for it, and I invited friends to join me. We got together in a facebook and encouraged and supported each other. We had a daily reminder of how many squats to do. We had a body-positive space to participate in this challenge together. Not all of us made it until the end, and those who dropped out or modified the challenge to suit their needs were fully supported.

So on the first day, I did 50 squats. And on the 30th day, I did 250 squats.

Next up, I plan to start a 30 day push-up challenge that starts with 5 push-ups and works up to 40, with several rest days thrown in for good measure. After that, the sky's the limit! A leg-lift challenge? Planks? Crunches? All of the above! In due time, of course. Will you join me?

The private Fine and Fair Fitness Challenges group is HERE. Just click "Join Group" in the upper right-hand corner, and you'll be added! Our next challenge will be starting soon, so join now and introduce yourself!


When you work out, you'll need a sturdy sports bra, so make sure to read about your best options here.





 

Instinctual Mama - Contributor Post

Joella over at Fine and Fair often writes letters to her daughter (and now son, I would guess!) in the form of blog posts. Always beautiful and inspiring, she was kind enough to share this one with me...about the instinctual side of parenting.
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Dear Delilah,

Late Sunday evening...well no, technically it was early Monday morning, I was up nursing you back to sleep for the second time that night. You've been working on more teeth, which means you're waking up more than usual, which means I'mwaking up more than usual. The first day of the semester at school was upon me, and I desperately longed for a good night's sleep. I was feeling a little frustrated as I surfed around the internet a bit while you nursed, and then I happened upon Instinctual Mamas which lead me to a blog post encouraging 'Mommy bloggers' to write about what it means to be an 'Instinctual Mom'.

I glanced down at you, peacefully nursing with eyelids drooping, and my frustration melted away. I remembered that this very scenario, which happens far less frequently these days, is a part of my own personal brand of instinctual motherhood.

For me, instinctual parenting means anticipating, recognizing, and meeting your varying needs. It means that your needs are just as important to me in the middle of the night as they are in the middle of the afternoon. Instinctual parenting means that you are welcome in my lap, at my breast, and in my bed. It means that I will not leave you to cry alone, because the visceral reaction I have to the sound of your cry compels me to respond to it with care and concern.

Instinctual parenting means smiling and nodding when I receive unsolicited parenting advice from strangers that goes against every fiber of my being, feeling confident that our choices are the best for our family. It means recognizing that you have more than an 'Instinctual Mama', you also have an 'Instinctual Papa' who is a fully and equally capable parent. Being an instinctual mother means that I appreciate that in order to be fully present as a mother, I must not neglect the entirety of my person. It means that I should ensure that my own needs are met, and help your father meet his own needs, so that we can be more available to meet yours.

As an instinctual mother, I will do my best to cherish rather than detest your night time wakings and all of the minor annoyances of childhood. I know that the time will come all too soon when I will miss those quiet moon-lit snuggles, because eventually,being an instinctual mama will mean watching you set off on your own path, guided by instincts of your own.

Love,

Mama



 

Advising Patience - Guest Blog

Joella from Dear Delilah, Fine and Fair has graciously bestowed some of her knowledge and superior writing skills to my blog today. She speaks of something close to my heart...patience or the lack thereof. We work so hard to be patient with our children, but what about with other adults?
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Before I became a mother, I wasn’t a terribly patient person. I played the role well enough, but beneath my patient façade there was always a volatile mixture of annoyance, agitation, and intolerance brewing. I could be smiling on the outside while screaming and writhing on the inside. Shortly after the birth of my daughter; that tide started turning.

I doubt that it is unheard of that mothers learn to be patient with their children. While hungry and sleep-deprived, and with floods of hormones surging through our bodies, we tenderly comfort and care for our babies, sometimes for hours at a stretch. This patience that I’m speaking of, however, goes beyond handling teething, nursing strikes, and sleep regressions with grace.

While I was both surprised and relieved by how patient I was with my daughter, I was downright flabbergasted by the patience with other mothers that started to develop. At first, I often found myself annoyed and offended by the well-meaning advice and suggestions of other mothers. Suggestions to get a newborn who didn’t know day from night on a strict schedule struck me as absurd. Being bombarded with questions about how well and where my daughter slept felt like an attack, and I couldn’t help but want to shout in reply “It’s none of your business! Is it YOU getting up with her at night? No? Then don’t worry about it!”

I slowly came to realize that other mothers; my own, my husband’s, and friends, relatives, and even strangers at the grocery store were only trying to help. Perhaps they remember that feeling that is so unique to new mothers, the feeling that you know exactly what to do, but that, at the same time, you have no idea what to do.  Perhaps they miss having a baby of their own to love and nurture. As my daughter grows and develops and I become more seasoned as a mother myself, I sometimes catch myself offering up unsolicited advice. I deceive myself, telling myself that MY unsolicited advice must surely be welcomed and appreciated; after all, MY unsolicited advice is RIGHT!

Mothering is a unique juxtaposition of internal instinct and external information.  While the internal instincts tend to be rather universal, the external information is ever-changing and often conflicting. The bottom line is that all of us do the best we can with the information we have available to us at the time. Whether that information comes directly from other mothers, from the internet, from books, or from doctors, we weigh it against our instincts and proceed with what fits best for us and our families.

Where does that leave me, as both a giver and receiver of well-meaning advice? As a giver, it means that I make myself available to new mothers, letting them know that I’m happy to answer any questions they might have. I withhold my advice until it is actively sought out, unless I notice a mother doing something that I know to be truly dangerous. And you know what? People DO ask. I take comfort in knowing that because the person sought my opinion, whether on breastfeeding, vaccines, baby wearing, co-sleeping, or any other manner of motherly topics, my advice WILL be welcomed and appreciated. As a receiver, it means I listen carefully and patiently, and then smile and say thank you. Again, unless the person is giving advice that is potentially dangerous, it doesn’t make much sense to argue.

In the end, there are very few parenting decisions that are black and white. We mostly choose among various shades of gray, trying things out and keeping or discarding them; developing our own parenting style that works best for our family. One day, when caring for babies and toddlers is a thing of my past, and I am that stranger at the grocery store telling you all about the benefits of cloth diapers and suggesting you ditch that Baby Bjorn in favor of a wrap, please be patient with me. Smile and remember that I was once where you are, and that I’d give anything to have a sweet-smelling soft little baby to love all over again.

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Joella writes Fine and Fair, a blog of letters to her daughter. Fine and Fair is focused on the ups and downs along the journey of raising her daughter as a responsible citizen of the world with the values of compassion toward all living things, environmental responsibility, conservation, and celebrating diversity in all of its forms.
Fine and Fair can also be found on facebook and twitter.

 

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I will be doing a guest blogging series on Wednesday, and I'd love to feature you. Feel free to contact me if you are interested!

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