Grad students studying motherhood

In my graduate program, there is a woman studying mothering and the communication and media messages around it.

She's very interested in the portrayed roles of mothers versus fathers, who gets to keep more of their own identity in the media, if roles given by viewers create more or less sympathy for either the mother or the father.

Sounds interesting enough. Certainly she'll be studying a lot of the articles I've shared myself on social media, as she analyzes the content, puts little ones and zeros into excel spreadsheets and runs statistical analyses to flesh out answers to her research questions.

The paper she didn't present to the class was entitled:

"Don't be a boob: Bottles have nipples too"

She said the research looked at anti-breastfeeding campaigns.

First off, I'd need to see a really specific definition of terms for anti-breastfeeding. Are we talking formula adverts or simply mothers advocating formula use in forums meant for support? Are we talking hospitals giving out free samples of formula or nurses pushing formula on new frazzled mothers?

Secondly, the debate is full of emotion, high-strung and deeply-felt ideology, self-image and self-deprecation, and post-partum hormones. Are you sure you want to go around calling these women boobs? Especially if you haven't been there?

I guess, mostly, I was just disappointed to see that the academics doing studies on things like "portrayals of breast and formula feeding in the media" are no different from the commenters on op-eds about the same issue, who read the whole article then type in CAPSRAGE: I WASTED TEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE READING THIS. THIS IS A NON-ISSUE. WHY DO MOTHERS MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

Like, I really hate to be all, 'don't talk about what you don't know about,' but if you lack the empathy to gauge the situation appropriately or even see all the key elements of what you should be studying...if you lack the ability to make the connections between media and science in a way that does not entirely drown out the very real struggles of very real people in the process...just, maybe go study something else, I guess?

When your lack of understanding of the issue at hand is so blatant and that's the issue you want to study as a PhD? And these are the papers that get published? These are the studies handed down in layman speak to breast and formula feeding moms everywhere, yearning for validation as their hormones swing them to Timbuktu and back?

No.

Everyone in the classroom laughed uproariously at her jokey title, and they spent a few minutes going back and forth about how ridiculous all the women's feelings were about this and how everyone should probably just calm down about it.

Honestly, I'm probably just curmudgeonly, but I really don't think the phrase 'don't be a boob' is all that funny to begin with--when that was added to the obvious lack of any type of understanding for a mom attempting to nurse, I just checked out and let the side-eye take over.

And this wasn't even the paper this particular woman presented.

No.

The one she presented was on mothers and fathers leaving their children in the back seat. She's trying to tie it to gender violence and is very interested in the roles society foists on mothers and fathers vs. their self-identities.  The first one is ... absolutely ridiculous, and the second one is ground broken so long ago I think my grandma was the academic working on it.

There's no point to this entry.

I'm just really suspicious now of studies coming out about parenthood. Apparently, very sound statistical studies can be run with no intuitive understanding of the topic being studied. And on the outside, that sounds fine. Because wouldn't being totally outside the topic being studied be ideal for objectivity? But in reality, if you are so removed from what you are talking about that basically 'you don't even go here', there are going to be very important correlations that you miss because you don't know to look for them. And there are going to be very tenuous connections you make too big a deal out of because you don't know they're actually not a big deal.

And a study can be presented any way the researcher wants. People say the numbers don't lie, but they can be emphasized or twisted any which way to make any point. May as well make legitimate points based in knowledge, right?







 

You don't have to breastfeed to be AP -- Guest Post

Coincidental to this essay going up on the Washington Post today about formula feeding shaming, Joella over at Fine and Fair gave me a post affirming that formula feeders can, in fact, be attached parents. Thanks, Joella!

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It's been a little over a year since I last attempted to do my part in helping to tear down the walls of exclusivity perceived to exist around the "Attachment Parent" (AP) label. My continued participation in a number of parenting related spaces has demonstrated that those perceptions, especially those surrounding breast feeding and AP, are entrenched in the parenting circles and related "Mommy Wars."

I see parents lamenting that they wish they could practice Attachment Parenting, but that they can't/don't/won't breast feed, and therefor, cannot call themselves "Attached" Parents.

Wrong! So wrong. So very wrong.

Before I proceed, here's some full disclosure. I breast feed. I breast fed my daughter well past her second birthday, and there is no end in sight to my nursing relationship with my 18 month old son. I, personally, have never given my children bottles (though my husband and other caregivers did). I try to help normalize breast feeding by talking about it, by confidently feeding my baby (now toddler) in public, and by offering my support and advice (when invited to do so) to friends who wish to breast feed. This is not coming from some sort of jaded formula feeder, if that's a thing. This is coming from a breastfeeding advocate, a, dare I say it? Lactivist.

There is really no room in this piece for the breast vs. formula debate. I'm not here to discuss the benefits or drawbacks of either. I'm not here to tout breast milk as superior. I'm certainly not here to shame anyone for not breast feeding, whether by choice or by circumstances. There are many reasons that people don't, can't, or choose not to breast feed. There are many reasons that babies receive their vital nutrition in a bottle, whether that's the mother's pumped milk, donor milk, commercial formula, or a homemade concoction that meets an infant's nutritional needs. This is not a place to list, or justify, or debate the legitimacy of, those reasons.

The bottom line is that one does not need to feed their babies with their breasts in order to practice attachment parenting. (See: attached fathers, attached adoptive parents, attached grandparents, attached nannies.)

I reviewed Attachment Parenting Internationals 8 Principles of Attachment Parenting in last year's "More AP than you Think".

The principle related to feeding states simply:

Feed with Love and Respect

There are, without question, ways to feed a baby with love and respect in the absence of a breast doing the job. Many aspects of on-demand exclusive breast-feeding are easily adapted to bottle-feeding, as follows:

1. Skin-to-Skin Contact

Skin-to-skin contact, especially with parents (yes, Dad too) has many proven benefits. Skin-to-skin contact can be had in many ways, (babywearing is an easy one), but breast feeding is largely associated with this integral piece of attached parenting. To achieve this while bottle feeding, the baby can be stripped down to a diaper, the feeder can remove, open, or lift their shirt during feeding, and bam! Skin-to-skin, sans breast. I'm not suggesting you do this in public (after all, my breast-fed babies did not get full skin-to-skin benefits when in public, either!) but if you can settle in at home for a nice skin-to-skin bottle feed, it will benefit both of you!

2. Following Baby's Cues

Learn your baby's hunger cues and feed according to them, rather than according to a schedule. (Obvious exceptions for babies who need to be fed on a schedule for medical reasons. Defer to your healthcare provider, not some random lady on the internet, in such cases.) Early hunger cues in newborns include licking or smacking their lips, opening and closing their mouth, and sucking on lips, tongue, clothing, fingers, toys, etc. Progressive hunger cues including fussing, attempting to maneuver into feeding position, and rooting around on the chest (or face, arm, ear, etc.) of the person holding them. Late hunger cues include quickly moving their head from side to side and crying.

3. Feeding on demand

This follows naturally with learning hunger cues. Feed babies when they are hungry, and stop when they are full. Don't try to force the baby to finish a bottle when he or she has lost interest; feed again the next time hunger cues are displayed. If you're concerned about wasting formula/pumped or donor milk/etc., offer smaller amounts to start with and then offer more if baby is still hungry.

4. Natural Feeding Position

When feeding by bottle, always hold both the baby and the bottle. Snuggle the baby close to your chest and hold the bottle against your breast (or where your breast would be if you don't have them). Switch positions from one side to the other to allow baby a different vantage point and mimic breast feeding.  "Bottle propping," in addition to posing a choking hazard, doesn't allow for our next and final aspect, bonding.

5. Bonding

During a feeding, make eye contact with the baby. Speak in soft and gentle tones, sing a soothing tune, or just quietly take each other in. Smile and vary your facial expressions. Stroke baby's cheek with your free hand; bend down to kiss baby's forehead. Even pacifier use can mimic comfort nursing by holding the baby when the pacifier is used, so baby associates their suckling reflex with being held, loved, and comforted by their caregiver.

Bottle feeding, without question, has a place in Attachment Parenting. These tips can be shared with grandparents, babysitters, older siblings, nannies, and anyone else who may be responsible for feeding your baby by bottle. Whether bottles are used exclusively or only when the mother is unavailable, following these suggestions can ensure that feeding times contribute to the development of a strong, secure, healthy attachment between baby and caregiver.

 

Feeding Babies for the Win

I had the honor of guest blogging for Fearless Formula Feeder today about my decision to formula feed.  It was a tough decision, never once made easier by societal pressures, but I'm glad I did it, and I hope my story can help others who feel down on themselves.

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It’s 3 p.m.  My month-old twins are crying, but they are so tiny - their lungs so weak - that their little cries sound like a few quiet ducks quacking in the distance.  They are hungry, of course.  They are always hungry. 

For some reason, they missed the memo on how babies are supposed to eat.  That memo probably comes out at 36 weeks, to give the unborn some quality reading before they make their way out into the world.  With a whole month to digest the information, maybe babies born at 40 weeks have properly studied the technique and are sucking geniuses right off the bat.  That’s all conjecture, of course; I could be totally off base. 

Read More:

Food for Thought

One of the most startling discoveries I made upon becoming a mom is that parenting is a competitive sport in which there are no winners. Something as simple and necessary as feeding your child is cause for judgement and snobbery from parents who do it differently.


When my twins were infants, we fed them using bottles. In public, this garnered a lot of attention. Were we feeding them formula? It was scandalous.

The answer, for the first three months, was no. I was pumping my heart and my breasts out daily to give nourishment to my incredibly tiny children. Born at 34 weeks, they had little to no ability to latch. In fact, for the first month, we had to feed them via tube.

Taking a bottle out in public, however, never failed to bring on the stares of other well-meaning parents who were certain our children weren't getting the best nutrition possible. On top of everything else a parent has to worry about, we now need to worry about other people judging how and what we feed our children.

After the three-month mark, I went back to work. I could not continue pumping enough food for them, and so slowly we weaned them to formula. Am I a formula feeding advocate? No, not really. I am a feeding advocate. As long as mothers are feeding their babies, I am content.

There are many reasons that people might formula feed; necessary medication that doesn't mix with breastfeeding being one of the biggest. To me, though, it doesn't matter if one woman is feeding her infant formula because she couldn't produce enough breastmilk, and another is doing it because she's on medication that could be harmful to the baby, and a third is doing it because she doesn't like the feel of the baby at her breast. It's simply not my business.

This isn't to say we should silence our beliefs. There is most definitely a role for the lactation consultants and activists out there. Many mothers are confused about breastfeeding. Many are coming up against resistance from their families who formula fed. Many desperately want to breastfeed, but their baby won't latch, or they're having trouble with technique. Infancy is a time of great stress, and many infants face weight issues that would push any mother to follow her doctor's - her mother's, her sister's, anyone's - advice to start giving formula, lest she hear the dreaded "failure to thrive." Those mothers, though, will seek out help. They will ask you - or their doctor, or their sister, or their mother - to help them learn about breastfeeding, to help them feed their child. A woman in a restaurant or sitting at a bench in the mall is not asking for our help, and we do not know her story. Therefore, shouldn't we reserve our judgement?

I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to breastfeed for more than three months. Once I determined it would be infeasible for me to do so, I did not want other's opinions on why I should continue to try. I certainly did not invite the stranger on the street to start waxing poetic about the benefits of breastfeeding to me, as I sat outside at a Starbucks and wrestled with two babies to get bottles into their mouths - especially because in that particular instance, I was feeding them breastmilk. Yes, it comes in a bottle, too.

And bottle feeders are not the only women who come up against judgement from complete strangers. Nursing in public has long been an issue for mothers as well as mall-goers. But isn't it every mother's right to feed her child when it is hungry? Someone's five year old may need a mall pretzel to keep him on his feet, and nobody will look at him twice, but another woman's infant needs a snack, and whether she is using bottle or breast, she will get stared at, if not spoken to.

If you feel the urge to judge someone for their choices, I beg you, next time, before you say something to that harried mother, judge me instead. Think back to this picture:

Yes, that's an almost-two year old with a bottle, and, yes, we're working on it. But that's another blog for another day, and I'd rather you judge me than the poor woman in the corner over there nursing her child, or the mother behind you at the post office when all the fenugreek in the world couldn't boost her supply.