Fail Kitchen -- S'more Cones

"I am disappointing, in all things."




You don't need a recipe for this one. Just throw shit in a cone and put it in the oven. Only, of course, I couldn't manage that.

Fail Kitchen -- Apple Crescent Rolls (NOT a fail!)

Go ahead and google 'shiny bacon vaginas' and you'll see what I'm talking about.






 

Recipe Monday - Strawberry Buttercream Frosting

It's the time for many celebrations, and we need to have as many easy frosting recipes on hand as possible. With that in mind: strawberry buttercream frosting. Easy and delicious. Great twist to traditional favorite.

1/2 cup butter, softened
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/8 tsp salt
1 (16 oz) package powdered sugar (I only used HALF of this and it was still a bit too sweet, be warned)
1/2 cup of fresh strawberries, chopped

Beat the first three ingredients together until creamy.
Add the sugar and strawberries a little at a time, beating each addition in thoroughly.





 

Recipe Monday - Praline Brownies

These start from a box, but it's a great add-on to make them a bit more special.

1 box (21.5 oz. size) fudge brownie mix
3/4 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup chopped pecans
3 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted



Make brownies according to box and pour into 9x13 pan.

Put it in the oven at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Now, combine brown sugar, butter and remaining pecans in small bowl, and pour it over half-cooked batter.

Bake the whole thing for another 15 minutes and you're done!





 

Recipe Monday - Champagne Cookies

I found this recipe here, and it's pretty good! It makes 4 dozen cookies, though, not two, so DON'T double the recipe. (Ask me how I know.)

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup multicolored candy sprinkles
1/2 cup shortening or butter
1 cup white sugar
1 cup champagne
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
4 drops red food coloring, or as needed

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Beat the shortening and sugar in a bowl with an electric mixer until the mixture is light and creamy. Pour in the champagne, and mix for about 1 minute on low speed. Mixture will be lumpy. Mix in the baking powder, and stir in flour to make a smooth dough. Stir in red food coloring by drops until the mixture is desired shade of pink.
Scoop the dough with a tablespoon measure melon baller and place on parchment lined cookie sheet, leaving room between each cookie because the cookies will spread. Add sprinkles.
Bake in the preheated oven until the edges of the cookies are very lightly browned and the cookies are crisp, 12 to 14 minutes. Let cookies cool completely before moving them to a serving platter or container.
When cooled, cookies will be soft with slightly crunchy edges. These cookies are not very sweet. They are similar to a sweet bread. Perfect with a glass of champagne or a cup of coffee/tea.









 

Recipe Monday - Mint Fudge

This is always a huge party hit.

4 cups semi-sweet chocolate morsels
2 cans sweetened condensed milk
2 tsp mint extract
crushed candy canes or mints

Dump chocolate chips and milk in a pan, and simmer until melted, stirring constantly.
Add in mint, stirring well
Pour into 9x13 baking dish
Top with crushed candy

Refrigerate overnight.

Easiest holiday fare ever.










 

Recipe Monday - Blueberry Velvet Cake

Another birthday, another birthday cake. This year the girls wanted a blue cake with pink frosting and the closest I could get was a blueberry velvet cake with strawberry cream cheese frosting.

I only had one mess-up, too.

I'll show it to you momentarily.

First, though, the cake! (It basically tastes like a big blueberry muffin, if muffin were cake.)

This recipe originally comes from I Heart Chocolate Milk, who apparently got it from that big, and I mean HUGE, book, Joy of Baking. Ever seen one? My mom had one. Wow.

But before I get to that, let me just tell you a bit about how this went down at my house.

First of all, the kids were supposed to help me, but they couldn't get along for more than 24 seconds at a time, so that idea was basically nixed. They did help measure the dry ingredients, though.

My friend Leanna was over with her young daughter when I started reading the directions.

Right away a snag. This recipe made two 9" round cakes to be piled atop each other, and I wanted a sheet cake. We tried unsuccessfully to do the math for a half-second before giving up. She called her sister, who is apparently a goddess in the kitchen, to ask if a recipe that made two round 9" cakes would also make one 9" x 13" cake.

Her sister didn't know.

Then we got to this gem of a step: "Grease 2 9″ cake pans with butter or cooking spray. Line with parchment paper, then grease again. Set aside."

Are you kidding me? What does that even mean? I completely do not understand this step. Like I'm reading it, and not comprehending what it is they could possibly be asking me to do. I don't get it.

I grease the pans with butter. Then I line with parchment paper? Parchment paper is square. Pans are round. Do I fold it over on itself? Parchment paper is a bit springy. It's not going to stay in those shallow pans? Should I tape it down? Fold it over on itself? Wouldn't the cake come out...crinkled in that case? And then, then, I have to grease the paper after putting it in? After I just greased the pans?

What is this foolery?

Leanna's sister told us to skip that part and just use crisco and flour. Which I gratefully did. Because seriously. What is that up there?

By the way, when Yasmin showed up to save the day (and she really did), she decided this was totally inadequate and re-grease and re-floured these pans. But I'm not complaining, because whatever she did allowed me to get those cakes out of there with more ease than I've ever experienced.

Okay, so now we do all the dry ingredients with no problem.

Then I get to this step: "Slowly add the sugar, and cream (beat with the mixer) until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes."

This looks to me like Add the sugar and cream and beat it with the mixer.

That...doesn't work out, actually.

Eww, gross.

I had to toss it out and try again because what the directions said really was cream together the sugar and butter.

Thankfully, this was the point Yasmin and her whole home-cooking family showed up, and I opened the door with, "Oh my God, I need your help" while Leanna laughed in the background. It was a pretty amazing day, not going to lie.

Smooth sailing from here on out, so here are a few pictures before we get to the delicious recipe.

See? I'm very helpful.

Anyway, they left and I took the cake out of the oven and frosted it, and voila! Delicious, delicious cake!

RECIPE:

Ingredients

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1¾ cup granulated sugar
• 4 large eggs, room temperature if possible
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup milk, room temperature (feel free to use buttermilk)
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1½ pints blueberries
• Blue Food Coloring (can add a drop of red or yellow to achieve the perfect shade of blue you want
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 8oz package cream cheese, room temperature
• 3 cups confectioner’s sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease 2 9″ cake pans with butter or cooking spray. Line with parchment paper, then grease again. Set aside.
3. In a bowl, combine flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt.
4. In another bowl, using a hand mixer, beat the butter until light and creamy, about a minute or so.
5. Slowly add the sugar, and cream (beat with the mixer) until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
6. Add the eggs one at a time, being sure to fully incorporate each egg before adding the next.
7. Add the vanilla, and fully incorporate.
8. Add the blue food coloring as you like. I just add some, mix it, and then see if I need to add more. Keep in mind that we still need to add the flour and milk, so color it a little darker than you want it in the end. It will lighten up once we add the remaining ingredients.
9. Add the flour mixture in 3 parts, alternating with the addition of milk. So you’ll add flour, then milk, then flour, then milk, then flour last. Make sure to incorporate each before adding the next.
10. Mix in the blueberries gently with a spatula.
11. Divide the batter between the 2 cake pans. Bake for 30–35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean.
12. Let the cake completely cool before frosting.
13. Beat the butter and cream cheese with a hand mixer until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
14. Add the confectioner’s sugar slowly and fully incorporate.
15. Add the vanilla and fully incorporate.
16. Cut the top of the cakes to level the tops. You want them to be as flat as possible.
17. Place a dab of frosting in the center of the cake stand. Invert one of the cake pans onto the cake stand. This will help prevent the cake from sliding when you frost it.
18. Use a little less than half of the frosting in between the layers.
19. Place the other cake on top. Frost the entire cake as you wish!!

 

Moment of the Week - 139: Get Ready for Bed!

Wait! Please, please, please! WAAH! Yup, that's about right.







 

Recipe Monday - Fruit Popsicles

Fruit on a stick. Fruit popsicles. An amazing and easy snack for kids!

For peach popsicles, slice fresh peaches, stick them on toothpicks, and dip them in any flavor yogurt you want. Put them in the freezer for a few hours and you're good to go!

For banana bites, slice up fresh bananas and stick them on toothpicks. Melt semi-sweet chocolate chips and dip the bananas in, then dip in crushed peanuts or rice crispies. You can freeze these or eat them at room temperature.

 

Recipe Monday - Strawberry Chocolate Surprise

The girls and I made this for Valentine's Day. It's not a backbreaker, but it's cute and presents well. It also tastes great!

9oz Jello chocolate pudding mix
milk
heavy cream
confectioners' sugar
strawberries

Make pudding according to directions, allow to set in the fridge for an hour or two.
Slice strawberries into bite-sized bits.
Mix 1 cup of heavy cream with 1 cup of confectioners' sugar to make whipped cream. (Beat for 2-3 minutes on high).

Layer strawberries, then pudding, then whipped cream until you've filled the cups!



 

Recipe Monday - Orange Buttercream Frosting

I put food coloring in here because when my girls said orange frosting, they meant orange frosting. Without the false coloring it has an incredibly gentle, classy light orange tinge.

2/3 cup butter, softened
6 cups powdered sugar, divided (I ONLY USED FOUR CUPS!!!!!)
2 teaspoons freshly grated orange peel
1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
4 to 6 tablespoons milk


Beat butter, 1 cup powdered sugar, orange peel and vanilla in large bowl until creamy.
Add remaining powdered sugar alternately with milk, beating to spreading consistency.
If necessary, add additional milk, 1/2 teaspoon at a time, to get desired spreading consistency.
About 3 cups frosting.


 

Recipe Monday - Strawberry Banana Bread

Easy dessert and breakfast!

1 c. fresh strawberries
1 3/4 c. all-purpose flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/4 c. sweet butter
1/4 c. plus 2 tbsp. sugar
2 eggs
2 very ripe bananas, mashed

Toss strawberries with 2 tablespoons flour and set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and nutmeg in small bowl. Cream butter slowly adding sugar, beating at medium speed; add eggs, beating well. Add flour mixture and bananas. Mix until dry ingredients are moist. Gently fold in strawberries.

Spoon batter into loaf pan coated with cooking spray. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.


 

Recipe Monday - Christmas Cookies

For this recipe Monday, let's just recap a few cookie recipes with new pictures!


First, anisette cookies. These came out better than last year's! I cooked the whole batch this year, and ended up with nine dozen cookies.

RECIPE:


Next up: Sugar cookies.

These also came out better than last year. The full batch yielded six dozen cookies. (I halved this one last year, too).

RECIPE:

Here are some action shots.

Of course, not all of them were artistic masterpieces...Natalina apparently takes after me in the kitchen.

Oh well. Sorry, gingerbread man.

 

Recipe Monday - Pumpkin Pie

I made my first pumpkin pie over the weekend, and it was a smashing success. The best pumpkin pie I've ever eaten, and I don't even like pumpkin pie.

9 inch pie crust
Pumpkin puree, 1 can(15 oz)
Condensed milk, 1 can (14 oz)
Eggs, 2 nos.
Ground cinnamon, 1 teaspoon
Ground ginger, 1/2 teaspoon
Ground nutmeg, 1/2 teaspoon
Salt, 1/2 teaspoon

Pumpkin Spice, 1/2 teaspoon

To make the crust:

I used 1 1/2 cups of graham cracker crumbs mixed with three tablespoons of sugar and 1/3 cup of butter.

I baked it at 350 for 8 minutes.

To make the pie:

1. Pre heat the oven to 425 F
2. Whisk together pumpkin puree and condensed milk, add the spices, salt and also beat in the eggs and mix well till they form a smooth mixture. 
3. Pour this mixture into the pie crust and bake for 15 minutes.
4. Now reduce the oven temperature and continue to bake for another 30-40 minutes or until the fork inserted comes out clean.
5. Let them cool. Serve it with dollop of whipped cream or as desired.

To make the whipped cream:

I mixed a cup of heavy cream with 1/3 cup of confectioner's sugar and beat until fluffy.

 

Recipe Monday - Easiest Fudge Ever

If you need a holiday snack and you've got no time to prepare, this fudge is for you.

Two cups of semi-sweet chocolate chips
One can of condensed sweetened milk
One teaspoon vanilla

Melt the chips and milk over low heat, stirring constantly until smooth. Add in vanilla. Pour into 8x8 baking pan and put in the fridge for two hours.

You can substitute orange flavor for the vanilla, add raisins, nuts, cranberries or anything else you want. In the pictured fudge, I skipped the vanilla entirely and made it with one cup semi-sweet, one cup butterscotch.

You can do anything you want with this.


 

Recipe Monday - Peanut Dip

Okay, so this was a pinterest fail, but it tasted so good, I'm reclaiming it.

My suggestion is to not bother making it into any kind of bar thing. Melt the whole shebang, and throw it in a bowl. Use it as dip for apples, pretzels, whatever. It's delicious.

Peanut butter "bars"

2 cups salted peanuts
2 & 1/2 tablespoons butter
2 cups peanut butter chips
14 ounces sweetened condensed milk
2 cups miniature marshmallows
kosher salt or sea salt, optional

Instructions:

Melt butter and peanut butter chips in a large saucepan over low heat.
Stir until smooth.
Stir in condensed milk and marshmallows.
Continue stirring until smooth and well-blended.
Add in peanuts and transfer into a bowl.
Add salt if you like.
Cover and refrigerate until chilled.



 

Recipe Monday - Pumpkin Banana Bread

One of the best things about fall is finding different uses for pumpkin! This pumpkin banana bread was really good (mine came out a bit heavy, but I don't have proper stirring equipment. Anything past "spoon" tends to boggle me.)

Ingredients:

For the bread:
2 very ripe bananas
1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree
1 stick butter, softened
1 1/2 cup brown sugar
3 eggs
2 tablespoons pumpkin pie spice
2 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt

For the Icing:
2 cups powdered sugar
1/4 cup maple syrup
1-2 tablespoons milk or heavy cream

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Generously spray a large bread pan (or two medium-sized bread pans) with nonstick baking spray.
In a stand mixer, beat together the bananas, pumpkin puress, butter, brown sugar, and eggs until very smooth. Toss in the spice, flour, baking powder, and salt. Beat until smooth again. Bake in preheated oven for 50-60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the bread comes out clean. Remove from the oven, turn out onto a cooling rack, and allow to cool slightly before spooning icing on top.
In a small bowl, whisk together the powdered sugar and maple syrup. Add just enough milk or cream to make the icing slightly runny. Use a spoon to drizzle the icing over the bread. Allow icing to harden before slicing into bread and indulging!

PS - I used the leftover icing as pumpkin coffee sweetener. Wow, delicious.


 

Recipe Monday - Marble Cake

This is the first cake I've ever made from scratch. It was not hard, and not bad! Of course, it's a marble cake because one girl wanted vanilla and the other chocolate. What can you do? Next week, I'll post the buttercream frosting recipe that cinched it as a good cake.

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 3 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 cup white sugar
• 3/4 cup butter, softened
• 3 eggs
• 2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cup milk
• 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour two 9 inch round pan.
2. Beat butter and sugar together. Add eggs, beating in one at a time. Add vanilla.
3. Mix all dry ingredients together. Alternate pouring a bit of the flour mix and a bit of the milk (I used evaporated) and beating until smooth until all ingredients used up.
4. Pour 1/4 batter in one pan, 1/4 batter in another.
5. Stir cocoa into the reserved batter. Drop by spoonfuls over top of white batter. Using a knife, swirl the cocoa batter into the white batter to incorporate it in a marble effect.
6. Bake in preheated oven for 30 to 35 minutes, until an inserted wooden pick comes out clean.

My complaints were only that it was a teensy bit dry and I really couldn't tell the difference between the chocolate and vanilla bits, other than coloring. Still, I am SUPER impressed for it being my first homemade cake.

 

Recipe Monday: Fruit Cobbler

I think I already posted a cobbler recipe, but this is a different one. I really like cobblers because they're like cakes only not hard.

• 4 tablespoons butter
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup milk
• 2 cups of sliced fresh peaches or nectarines, or whole blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries or a combination of fruits (or a 12-ounce package of frozen berries)
• 1 tablespoon sugar

Directions

1. Adjust oven rack to upper-middle position, and heat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Put butter in an 8-inch square or 9-inch round pan; set in oven to melt. When butter has melted, remove pan from oven.
3. Whisk flour, 3/4 cup of sugar, baking powder and salt in small bowl. Add milk; whisk to form a smooth batter. Pour batter into pan, then scatter fruit over batter. Sprinkle with remaining 1 Tb. of sugar. 
4. Bake until batter browns and fruit bubbles, 50 to 60 minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature with a dollop of whipped cream or a small scoop of vanilla ice cream, if desired. 

Author's note: If you let your kids lick the bowl, keep an eye on them. You never know when they'll think it's a great idea to stick their whole heads in.