Reasons my kids couldn't possibly go to sleep before 10 p.m.

The girls slept late this morning because of the holiday. And tomorrow, we're up at 6:30 a.m. again. Do they care? Noooooo. They do not. They do not care that tomorrow at 7:15, I'm going to be tearing my hair out trying to hurry them up, putting on their shoes they suddenly can't find even though I laid them out tonight, combing their hair in a frenzy as they dramatically scream in fake pain, and force feeding them cereal via high-powered watergun. OPEN YOUR MOUTHS.

No, they do not care.

Here are the reasons they absolutely couldn't possibly have been asleep before 10 p.m. tonight:

1) They had to play a game of balloon volleyball in the living room because daddy told them they could.

2) The last point in that volleyball game was super contentious it totally DID OR DID NOT touch the couch before going over to the other side. This required mental replays, various explanations, three near tantrums, and seeking out a neutral party to decide for them. (The decision, by the way, was GO TO BED).

3) They had to finish their chocolate milk that they didn't even like at dinner time.

4) They NEEDED dessert. They were so so so so so so so so so hungry. Even though it took them nearly ninety minutes to eat dinner. Can't argue with the stomach, I guess.

5) They couldn't tell if they needed to go number two or not.

6) Brushing teeth is harrrrrrrrd.

7) They wanted to change their underwear randomly.

8) They needed to talk in bed. They had things they forgot to discuss in the 16 hours they were awake and together apparently.

9) They were suddenly so itchy. They needed to turn the lights on to examine their itchiness and call me in to check it. (It was invisible, by the way.)

10) They needed more water. They drank it all. For the first time in six months.

11) Wait, was that a ghost, mom?

12) Well, if it's the dishwasher, it's too loud. They can't sleep with the dishwasher on. You know, like they did last night. Or the night before.

13) They needed the closet door shut. But they needed it shut by a grownup. Just in case.


So, like, tomorrow, they'd better be walking to school before I even wake their little butts up. Because GO TO SLEEP.

Kindergarten Kids - Storytime

Problem:

It's bedtime and instead of reading a princess book the kids have already heard a million times before, you start to mix it up. You get all JK Rowlings. You make up a story, and not only that, but you make it a serial story, so that you tell another part each night.

But you're not JK Rowlings. So whyyyy did you do this to yourself?

If you're already knee-deep in it (like me), here are some suggestions to help you out of the never-ending story hole.

Solution: 

1) Do not, under any circumstances, make the main characters your kids.

It seems like a great idea at the time. In fact, your kids may even request it. And why not allow them to even further relate to the crappy characters you're making up on the fly? Two reasons: 1) they shouldn't need it. They'll be able to relate to the characters whether they share physical features and names or not. 2) If you make them your kids, and then you give them, say, magical floating powers when they wanted, oh, let's just use this random example, hugging to make people feel better powers...now you've got a tantrum or a sulk on your hands, and it's like, yo, who is even telling this story, and how are you upset about floating powers anyway, they are obviously awesome.

2) Avoid anything that could be scary, even a little scary.

This is hard because any sort of conflict or suspense scene or anything at all where motives could be questioned, where good guys may not even always be good, all these things can lead to the dreaded, "mama, I'm too scared to go to sleep." So be prepared for your story to be nothing but parties and singing and specialness. They will really suck, but I'm saying my kids couldn't even handle being thrown in a dark room for two seconds before the purple fairy rescued them with a vine. That was too scary for them. Great. Surprise parties and pretty dresses it is. (Just kidding, though. Tomorrow, I'm venturing into ogre and guard dog territory as the girls climb a mountain to get the gold coins to pay the person keeping the princess fairy locked up. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. AFTER A WEEK OF FRILLY NONSENSE, I AM TELLING THE STORY.

Sweet dreams, kids.



 

Moment of the Week - 139: Get Ready for Bed!

Wait! Please, please, please! WAAH! Yup, that's about right.