The Layers of Racism...It's Like an Onion, Really

Look, I get it, I really do. Some poor schmoe who gets paid like two cents a tweet for The Onion made a bad decision.

And it was really bad.

But I see where he was going. Taking the sweetest, most innocent, freshest and possibly most talented face at the Oscars--someone who was beyond reproach (because that is what would make the joke funny)--and using the crassest language possible to point out the error in the ways in which the Oscars are both produced and reported.

Who looks the worst? Who's drunk? Who's gotten botox?

It's all garbage, and that's what the man behind the tweet was trying to say.

But that is not what he said.

And to those of you blathering about how no one can take a joke, and we're all clearly missing the intention of the humor and free speech and blah, I've just started this post with proof that, no, I get it.

And I still hate it.

And I'm not even going to defend Quvenzhane Wallis, not because she doesn't deserve to be defended, but because those who supported the Onion's tweet are saying it's not even about her.

It's not about a young child, it's not about a girl, and it's definitely not about a young black girl. People who think it is are just obtusely missing the point. In fact, the supporters of this humor didn't even notice she was black!

First of all, yes you did. Unless you are literally blind and had no access to media during the release of the movie, and during the Oscars and really for all of time (in which case, you wouldn't have heard about the tweet) you noticed her skin color.

What you meant to say was this: Her skin color didn't matter to you. You would have made the same shitty joke about a little white girl, you swear.

Okay, so let's give you the benefit of the doubt and say you would have. Even though you didn't.

The problem is this: It's not up to us to say skin color doesn't matter to us. While it can be a grandiose step in what might be the right direction, it erases centuries of pain, hardship, loss and despicable treatment that is not ours to erase.

As bell hooks said in 1992, white people cannot reach out to black people to combat racism saying, “we’re ready now, let’s be friends. Subject to subject contact between white and black which signals the absence of domination, of an oppressor / oppressed relationship must emerge through mutual choice and negotiation.”

We don't have the right to say when racism is over.

Here's a comment from my friend's blog, the post to which I linked above: "You clearly have not reached the stage of post-racial."

No. No, she hasn't. That's the point. Neither has the person making that comment, although he (or she) thinks he has. "Color blindness" not only minimizes incredible strain and hardship in the distant and recent past for minorities, it also implies that the problems they face today are not there. It subverts efforts to bring about true equality by saying that what we have now is equality. And it is not.

These paltry attempts we make as white people to make ourselves feel better, to allow ourselves to prematurely congratulate ourselves on wiping out racism, are exactly that: paltry attempts.

“[Modern racism] eschews old-fashioned racist images, and as a result, stereotypes are now more subtle, and stereotyped thinking is reinforced at level likely to remain below conscious awareness” (Entman & Rojecki 1992).

My point here is that the little girl is black, and we cannot go around saying we didn't notice or that it has no bearing on the situation, as spectators. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe she will tell us that, or her parents will. They're pretty much the only ones who can make that call. 

Actually, that's not my point. That was my side point. My point is, yet again, that words mean things. And even though you meant the opposite of what you said, you still said what you said. About a little girl. For a cheap laugh. And yes, we all know that no one, especially you, tweet writer, actually thinks Quvenzhane Wallis is that word you called her.

And no, it doesn't matter.

Think before you type. There are so very few lines in this day and age. Why would you cross one like that? And I realize that the joke is damn near impossible to pull off if you use anyone but a child as your vehicle. Because people will take you seriously. And I think now we've all realized that people will still take you seriously. Because words mean things and even if you didn't mean those words, meant the opposite of those words, that message is still being digested by millions of people around the world.

And if there wasn't this backlash of know-it-ally bloggers fighting what we consider "the good" fight? And if the Onion hadn't been forced to take down the tweet and apologize? Well, how many 12-year-old boys (or girls) would have seen it and assumed that kind of language and message was okay, was funny, was cute? Because talking doesn't ever lead to action, right? People, especially young people, speaking words that they've heard those they respect say, that doesn't subconsciously solidify opinion, right? That doesn't normalize behavior, set an example, enhance a point of view, does it?

But maybe it does.

 

Book Review - Touch and Go, by Lisa Gardner

Touch & Go by Lisa Gardner
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Don't let the stars deceive you, this thriller by Lisa Gardner is good! It had me in tears several times as the author went through the private lives of the victims, perpetrators and investigators of a kidnapping in the Boston area.

I really enjoyed the use of first person for Libby Denbe's character. As the wife of Justin Denbe, she gave the reader a very personalized view of the family's home life before the abduction. Gardner's choice of voice was strong throughout, using accounts from private investigator Tessa Leoni, NH Detective Wyatt, and the kidnappers themselves, to wind the story around.

I was utterly ensnared not only by the action and motives of each suspect and character, but also by the relations between them. I really loved Z, his whole character development. The killer with no morals yet high respect for how the game is played and high regard for those who stand up in the face of danger. Radar, too, with his subtle helping, here and there. However, the plot had some major holes for me.

First, the prison in which the family is kept. Really? The state of New Hampshire is going to build a prison and not use it (which I could believe) but then have it completely electrically hooked up and ready to go? The thermostat always set at 77 degrees? Really? That's a lot of money to waste, isn't it? And at first, I thought the lights were always on, but at the end, the kidnappers shut the lights off. The power company isn't going to notice a huge spike in output from that location? I think they just might.

The rest of my problems involve SPOILERS, OMG, SPOILERS, FOR REAL I WILL GIVE AWAY THE WHOLE FREAKING BOOK RIGHT HERE SO STOP READING, JUST KNOW IT HAS HOLES, OKAY?!

Go here for spoilers


This book was given to me by BlogHer as part of their Book Club, but the opinions are my own. To join in the conversation, visit them here!

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Book Review - Here I Go Again, Jen Lancaster

Here I Go Again by Jen Lancaster
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

As a story, Here I Go Again sucked. Wait! Keep reading! (Even you, Jen, if you do things like read Goodread Reviews.)

It was a smarmy, unrealistic mishmash of It's a Wonderful Life and Mean Girls.

I know, you're thinking, um, it's about a time-travelling jerkface, it's obviously not meant to be realistic.

And I know. I know. But, for me, even my unrealistic stories need to tie up their loose ends, and make sense in the alternate reality they've forced into existence. And Here I Go Again doesn't do that.

There are a lot of inconsistencies, and plot points that weren't thought out, weren't followed through. (Okay, here's where the review gets good, I promise.)

But Here I Go Again ISN'T a story. It's a parable. And as a parable, it's fantastic. Right up there with the New Testament, and much more relevant to me at my current place in life.

The point of the book is pretty much exactly what the book SHOUTS at you (not exactly subtle, really, this book). Small motions create huge results.

And this is a truth. Even those of us without little vials of magic potion know that. But sometimes we forget.

The sub-theme is that kindness, true kindness--not the kind with any self-serving purpose--wins out in the end. That karma (even though it's NOT karma, but that's a semantics argument for another day) will get you. That you reap what you plant.

These lessons are some that I really needed to remember right now. Not that I'm being cruel to anyone, or experiencing anything near as extreme as the protagonist here, but that I could stand to be a little kinder, a little gentler, a little more loving as I go through my day-to-day life. I do a fairly good job, but I can get so caught up in what I need to succeed, and what I need to do physically for others to make them happy, that I forget, sometimes, to sit back and love and appreciate.

I was already making amends in this way, and Here I Go Again was excellent supplement reading for my journey.

So, yeah, the story? Not so much. The parable?

Aces.

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**I received this book as part of BlogHer's paid review program, but the opinions are my own. If you want to join in the conversation visit BlogHer where we're all talking about it!



 

Grocery Game Plan 2013

Grocery shopping is always a crap shoot over here.  The babies know they have me captive because when we go to the grocery store, we have things we need to get before we leave. They know I won't leave until I go through the checkout. They have me at their disposal as we walk through aisles and aisles of fun and yummy things that they can't open or play with.  It could easily become a nightmare, and it has been pretty ugly in there at times, but usually, we pull it off flawlessly, thanks to having a game plan in place before we even leave the house.

1) Park close and pick out your cart before you leave the car.  This is probably more important for me than most as I have to find a twin cart, but even if you have a singleton, decide whether or not you are going to use your own infant seat, the infant seat on a specialized cart or if your child is old enough to simply sit in the basket area, or walk alongside you as you shop. When my babies were younger we used the five-point shopping carts, but a few weeks ago we moved to the lap-strapped racing carts. There is only one of these that suit our needs. The others are two small. If that one cart is unavailable, step 2 goes into action.

2) Do not enter the store with a crying baby or a fussing toddler. If your infant is small, stand outside rocking her and comforting her until you can make the transition into the cart.  If you have toddlers like I do, be prepared to garner stares in the parking lot and you stand resolutely to the side, waiting for your children to calm down.  Tell them firmly every once in a while that no one is going anywhere until they stop fussing.  If they're truly upset, cuddle them in the cart, tell them about what you are going to buy, distract them by naming the colors of the cars in the parking lot, etc., until they calm down.  If they're just doing it for show, make sure you've got all day, and just sit tight.

3) In my childless days, if I had to do a full-on shopping run, I'd start from one end of the store and make my way methodically to the other side. These days, I do a modified verision.  I start in the baby aisle, and immediately grab them something to munch on.  Gerber puffs, yogurt bursts, Nutri Grain bars, whichever items catches my fancy at the time. Once the babies are crunching away, I start my real route.

4) Move quickly. Know where everything is, and what you'll need.  Shopping with babies is no time for browsing.  Don't shop when you're hungry.  You'll not have time to investigate each possible item for purchase. If you're looking for bargains, browse the store's catalogue before you leave so that you don't have to waste precious moments comparing prices and products, or finding this week's specials.

5) Set break points at even intervals.  Use the fruit section, the bakery, the deli, and the section where they hand out the balloons (don't know what I'm talking about?  Click here.) as set points to break up your trip into small intervals, like pit stops.  At each stop, give the babies a treat.  In the fruit section, the babies get a few grapes.  When we move to the deli, they get a slice of cheese.  The coveted bakery stop provides them with a small cookie.  If we are incredibly hard up that day, I'll end the trip with a balloon.  Usually we can skip this step.

6) When the babies inevitably reach out for or ask about one of the untouchable goodies hanging from every section of every aisle, hurry on by.  Tell them you'll come back to look at it later.  If there is an item you need near one of these toys, park the cart a few feet ahead and go back for it without them.

7) If you are having trouble getting from pit stop to pit stop, make a game of it.  Have the babies "help you look" for the grapes, the cookies, or whatever they want next.  If they're repeating with increased urgency, "Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!" Get yourself on their side by saying, "Yeah! Cheese! We have to find the cheese.  Do you see it?  I don't see it. Cheese!  Oh, cheese!  Hello?  Where are you, cheese?"  The babies will most likely join you in your quest, and you can "look for" an item for up to five minutes before the trick begins to wear off.

8) We usually don't have trouble at the checkout, but if your child becomes restless, have them help you put the groceries on the belt.  It gives them something to do, and they're usually amazed that the items move.

If nothing works, and you've got a disgruntled toddler or screaming baby on your hands for the hour in which you shop, take heart.  Remember, when you get home, it's nap time!




Disclosure: This post from my archives is being re-run as part of BlogHer's Smart Mom's Guide to Being Busy editorial series, brought to you by Rice Krispies and BlogHer.

 

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown - Book Review

Daring Greatly. Do you dare greatly? Do you dare at all? This book by Brene Brown encourages us to take action in our own lives by first understanding ourselves and our motivations. It's a look inward to affect outward action, and it's important work.

This book came at a great time for me. Brene is a shame and vulnerability researcher. Scary business. Something I'd like nothing better than to scoff at.

But I can't.

Because she makes sense. And I like her. I'm not going to blather on about her book. I'm going to let her speak for herself. If any of this strikes a cord, I suggest grabbing her book. It's really been a great read for me.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."  --Teddy Roosevelt

"When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary."

"We're afraid that our truth isn't enough--that what we have to offer isn't enough without the bells and whistles, without editing, and impressing."

"Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them."

"You know that you are far more than a painting, an innovative idea, an effective pitch, a good sermon, or a high Amazon.com ranking. Yes, it will be disappointing and difficult if your friends or colleagues don't share your enthusiasm, or if things don't go well, but this effort is about what you do, not who you are."

"We are hard on others because we are hard on ourselves."

"We are a culture of people who have bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives will not catch up with us."

"Much of the beauty of light owes its existence to the dark."

"Using vulnerability is not the same as being vulnerable. It is the opposite."

"Cruelty is cheap, easy, and chickenshit."

"Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer."

"Fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging."

"Hope is a combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue them, and believing in our own abilities. Hope is plan B."

"Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up."

"Daring greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage."

Reading this book really helped me put a lot of my own life into perspective, and not just my present and future in terms of parenting, but also my past in terms of who I am as a person and why I've gone the path I've chosen. I wholly recommend it. Want to hear more? Take part in the discussion over at BlogHer.
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This review is paid for by BlogHer, but it is my own opinion expressed, good or bad.





 

Book Review - The Chaperone, by Laura Moriarty

The Chaperone, by Laura Moriarty, is a fabulous book on every level. The surprising story of a middle-aged matriarch leaves no twist in society unexplored, leaves no comment on morality, success or life itself unsaid. And it's all said in brilliant story-telling prose meant to make a reader think about the ideas behind the themes without even realizing it.

As you turn the pages wondering what will happen to the chaperone, Cora, and her 15-year-old charge, you are actually thinking about the human constructs of acceptance and loss, wondering about the human definitions of success and failure, and contemplating where morality really lies in the span of our own lives.

It starts slowly, but the descriptions carry you through the first few chapters, and these are necessary to set the melodious and normal backdrop that the adventures and ideas take root against. It provides the necessary context of a mid-western life, and the stunning contrast of modernity, momentum and gumption that even the most normal people show over the passage of time.

It made me cry.

And yet the storyline disputes set the resolutions up so wonderously soundly that not only are you gladdened at the end--for life, for people, for ideas--you're also aware that beneath the surface of these words, these stories, is a lingering message, a message about how we define our own little worlds, about how short-sighted people can see. We see how our mundane-seeming lives and thoughts are all pieces of a bigger, interlocking puzzle.

It was brilliant. Truly.

I think the biggest testament to this book, though, is not what I think of it, but how it made me feel. And not about the specific thoughts within the book, but about me. About my family. About life.

I felt good; I feel good.

It allowed me to open my view of life, even if just momentarily. I saw my life not as a 30-year-old mother of twins, but as I was as a child, and as I will be as an older adult. It reminded me that even though each day seems tediously the same, so many changes are subtly occurring inside and out that every moment is driving to the next, and every action can make a difference.

In the book, Cora lives through horse-drawn buggies, Prohibition, two world wars, the Depression, the civil rights era, all the way up to the 1980s. She goes from wearing corsets to watching gay pride rallies. Life can be long and it is always beautiful.

And after reading her complicated tale, I look at my own simple life with my loving husband and kids and I am grateful to be me, living in the era in which I live. Yes, things can be bad, in the immediate, but long-term, life is beautiful.

This is the best book I've read in a long time.



 I realize I've told you absolutely nothing about the content of this book, so here's the blurb:

Only a few years before becoming a famous actress and an icon for her generation, a fifteen-year-old Louise Brooks leaves Wichita to make it big in New York. Much to her annoyance, she is accompanied by a thirty-six year old chaperone who is neither mother nor friend. Cora Carlisle is a complicated but traditional woman with her own reasons for making the trip. She has no idea what she's in for: Young Louise, already stunningly beautiful and sporting her famous blunt bangs and black bob, is known for her arrogance and her lack of respect for convention. Ultimately, the five weeks they spend together will change their lives forever.

For Cora, New York holds the promise of discovery that might prove an answer to the question at the center of her being, and even as she does her best to watch over Louise in a strange and bustling city, she embarks on her own mission. And while what she finds isn't what she anticipated, it liberates her in a way she could not have imagined. Over the course of the summer, Cora's eyes are opened to the promise of the twentieth century and a new understanding of the possibilities for being fully alive.

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While I received this book as part of the BlogHer Book Club, all opinions are my own. Go on over there to hear more reviews and discussions about this spellbinding book.


 

Book Review - The First Husband

If you are looking for a fun, interesting read this summer, may I recommend "The First Husband" for your poolside perusal?

 I really enjoyed this book. And it takes a lot for me to enjoy a book, especially one as unassuming and unpretentious as Laura Dave's new work.

Told through the voice of a travel writer who has just been dumped by her long-term boyfriend, the book chronicles the crazy rebound adventures of a woman who doesn't know who she is or what she wants--or are they rebound adventures after all?

The reader doesn't know.

This book was written by someone who clearly knows how to write. She knows which backstory is pertinent and what the reader can do without. She knows when to time reveals. She understands cliffhangers and uses them correctly and sparingly (a rarity, these days.)

I loved all the characters. The ex-boyfriend, the new husband, Annie herself, her best friend, the new husband's ex-girlfriend, the brother, both the mothers. I mean, that's a lot of characters to introduce in an engaging way, and Dave manages it with aplomb. Hell, I even liked the dog.

And because I liked all the characters so much, I found myself in an odd predicament. I didn't care what happened. I wanted to know what happened, fiercely, but whatever it was, I would have liked it the same just the same. I wanted happiness for all! This meant that I had a hard time predicting what the main character would choose or what would happen to her. So that as light and airy and cute as this book was, it had me on the edge of my seat.

Well done, Laura Dave. There's a reason you're all up in the NYT, huh?


Talk about this book over at BlogHer Book Club!


 I was compensated for this BlogHer Book Club review but all opinions expressed are my own.

 

You Have No Idea - Book Review

A Vanessa Williams tell-all book. I had to get in on this. Not because I thought I knew all the dirt, but because as a 29-year-old white woman, I really had no idea.

 Vanessa would be happy to know that as I grew up, I had no idea about the Miss America scandal. I didn't know a thing about her pictures. I only knew she was the first black Miss America. And the only reason I knew that is because "Save the Best for Last" was an amazing song on my radio all the time, and my parents deemed it necessary for me to know that the singer was not only a talented recording artist, but had broken historic barriers. They didn't feel it necessary to add anything about her background. Because it's not important.

Thanks, Mom.

I didn't find out until I was in my mid-twenties that Vanessa Williams had nude pictures published in Penthouse. My husband mentioned it at some point and was shocked at my ignorance. I didn't know what she looked like until I saw her on my kids' Elmo in Grouchland video.

So, yeah, I had no idea based on my racial status and I had no idea based on my lack of pop-culture knowledge.

 So, a book later and I see a powerful, driven woman who gets what she wants and outlasts the haters. Something that I would strive to be, myself.

I wouldn't say this behind-the-scenes gives much of interest or substance that you couldn't find elsewhere. The most interesting parts for me came from Helen, her mother. Vanessa Williams appears every bit a celebrity, and while a few of her sentiments had me rolling my eyes (the section about her gabillion-dollar house for instance), I'll keep my mouth shut, because I really have no idea.

I think Vanessa is hard on her mother, and I felt bad for Helen more often than not. Parents are people, too, after all, and based on this book, should one of Vanessa's children come out with a book about her and treated her similarly, she would be pretty hurt. But Helen seems to take it in stride, so who am I to judge?

Definitely read this book if you are a Vanessa Williams fan or you have a vast interest in pop culture. It's interesting to me, always, to see how other people live, and You Have No Idea does a good job showcasing that.

You can read so much more about this book, and converse with others who have read it or are interested in reading it, here at BlogHer.


This is a paid review for The BlogHer Book Club, but the opinions expressed are (obviously) my own.

 

Why Do Women Need Fat?

First off, how exciting is it that we need fat? Super exciting.

The lower body fat that we all have in vast amount (around the world), feeds our babies' brains. This is, by far, the most interesting fact in the book I just read, entitled, Why Women Need Fat, by William D. Lassek, M.D., and Steven J. C. Gaulin, Ph.D.



I told my husband about it like this:

"Hey, honey, you know how you loved my butt when we were dating, and even moreso when I got pregnant, and then it went away a bit?"

"Yeah," he said. "Shame about that."

"Well, that's because it went into making the twins' brains!"

He laughed. "Buttheads," he said affectionately.

But it's true. The DHA used to line our heavier, bigger human brains is stored in our lower body fat as women.

The book is an intense journey through time and culture, purporting several ideas about corn oil, the changed American diet, genetics, and daily habits, showing how they relate to weight.

There is a villain. Dr. Ancel Keys, the doctor who falsely attributed increased heart disease to our fat consumption. The two authors suggest that animal fats are actually much better for us, drawing their conclusions on anthropological studies and history of human weights throughout the ages. In celebration, the night I read that chapter, I cooked our dinner in bacon grease. It was delicious, by the way.

And after you've immersed yourself in hundreds of pages talking about how small-waisted women are amazingly awesome and our brains are programmed to prefer them for childbirth reasons, and how Omega-6 is a bad guy on par with, say, Dr. Evil, there is a great section at the end that allows you to calculate your own "natural weight," an idea of the authors that shows that while women shouldn't try to melt off the pounds incredibly quickly through dieting, they could lower their weights gradually down to a certain set point. But don't stop at the first few graphs if you use this. Do all the exercises. Otherwise you're not getting the full picture of yourself that the authors had intended.

All that said, while there is a lot of really interesting information in the book, hunger studies, brain studies, talks of the hypothalamus and circadian rhythms, these are all just theories. Just theories being put forth as fact, as one would expect from an alternative diet book that expected to sell.

Now, I have no problem that these are two men telling all women how they can eat and lose weight. I don't care that they are super-psyched about women with tiny waists and large hips, but I do care about the way they present their information.

Just be aware of where their statistics are coming from when you read through. Take what you like and leave the rest. In some instances, they'll reference Americans in comparison with the Japanese, in some they reference the French, or the Swedes, or our ancestors, or Australians, Italians, Playboy Playmates or any other random group of people. But never at the same time. I assume they are taking the studies that back up their theories and leaving the others. So that you are surrounded with an eclectic array of advice.

Eat more dark chocolate like the French, more fish like the Japanese, and less corn-fed produce, like our ancestors did. I like my information to line up cohesively, so all of these incomplete and different studies being thrown at me in a stew of "lose weight like this" was hard for me to swallow.

Still, the main crux of this book, the Omega-3 versus Omega-6 battle was spellbinding, even if beaten to death by the end. They wanted to make sure we got it, I guess. Omega-3 good. Omega-6 bad. Got it. Really, I do.

The subtitle of the book is "How "Healthy" Food Makes Us Gain Excess Weight and the Surprising Solution to Losing It Forever."

While there is a lot of new and surprising theory, idea and research in this book,  I would not say that the solution to losing the fat forever is surprising at all, given the literature coming out all over the place purporting the same thing: eat less human-made, processed food. Eat more organic, natural and naturally-fed food. This is not shocking, but rather the way diet trends have been leaning for the past few years.

The best pieces of the text, in my opinion are the anthropological studies and conclusions, but that's to be expected since I don't really care about losing weight and my unused major in college was evolutionary biology.

For the dieting woman, there are some key aspects of this book that will make you pay attention. Particularly how and why dieting affects the body and why it makes you fatter. I was happy to hear it, too, because I hate dieting.

If you want to learn more about this book and the theories it's putting forth, join me in a book club discussion going on right now at BlogHer, just click here. 

This has been a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are entirely my own.