Guest Post - On Cosleeping

Today I have a guest post on co-sleeping from Sarah Clare. Now, this is a controversial topic with much research being done on either side of the debate. I, personally, did not co-sleep because of reasons and things, most notably that I was pumping, so I would have to get up and get bottles anyway, that my kids were preemie and that there were two of them. So, I don't have personal experience with this. But I do know that I support both methods (so long as you're not leaving your infant to cry for hours alone to try to "train" her to sleep.) And as far as the final question in the piece, why would you ever want your child to leave your bed, well, I've got a few answers for that, but now is not the time, is it?


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How Co-Sleeping can Help You and Your Baby or Toddler Get More Sleep

Sleep is elusive for many new parents. Finding ways to get more sleep or to get their baby to sleep longer is at the top of the list of priorities for most parents in the first couple of years of a child's life. Newborns are notorious for waking up every couple of hours (or even every hour), but even toddlers can be up several times a night, disrupting sleep for the whole family.

Co-sleeping -- or sleeping with your baby or toddler -- can help you to solve that age-old conundrum and get more sleep. Many parents find that co-sleeping even helps them sleep through the night! Here's how co-sleeping with your baby or toddler can help you to get more sleep:

You Don't Have to Get Up to Get Your Baby

Imagine these two scenarios: It is 3 a.m. and your baby wakes up to nurse, crying out in the darkness for you. You can either crawl out of bed with your eyes half-open and stumble through the darkness to your baby's crib on the other side of the room or even the other side of the house, groping your way along the wall and furniture (or more likely, tripping your way) OR you can roll over to where your baby is safely snuggled next to you on your bed or in a co-sleeper or Moses basket.

Which one seems like it's going to allow you to get more sleep? Even though you can't keep from being woken up when you co-sleep, you can limit the amount of time you stay awake. Getting out of bed and stumbling through the darkness is also likely to wake you up more, making you more fully alert and less likely to get back to sleep quickly.

You Don't Have to Get Up to Nurse

Sitting in a cozy rocking chair and nursing your baby back to sleep is a peaceful image. But when you've woken up for the fourth time in the night, the last thing you want to do is get out of the bed yet again and sit up in your nursing chair, waiting for your baby to fall back to sleep.

By co-sleeping, you can simply pull your baby in close to you when it's time to nurse, and you can nurse while lying down. You don't have to get up. You don't have to set up fancy nursing pillows, and you don't have to worry about falling asleep and falling out of the chair with your baby.

You Can Sleep While Nursing

Since you can nurse while you are lying on your side in the bed, you can also sleep. When you don't have to worry about getting up to put your baby back to bed once he has fallen asleep, you can simply fall back to sleep yourself once your baby has latched on and you are both in a comfortable position.

Once you and your baby are pros at nursing, you can quickly get settled when your baby wakes up, allowing him to latch and you to fall back asleep while he nurses. The whole process takes a few seconds, and you can be back asleep before you even knew you were awake. During the first few weeks of my daughter's life, this strategy saved my sanity as it almost felt like I was able to sleep through the night.

Baby Falls back Asleep Quicker

When your baby wakes in the middle of the night to nurse or to be comforted, the sooner you are able to respond, the better. Babies who are left to fuss or cry will become more and more upset, making them harder to console and much harder to get back to sleep.

A baby who has had to cry for even 5 or 10 minutes while you wake up and make your way to his crib will be much more awake, alert, and harder to soothe than a baby who has only whimpered a few times before you were able to respond immediately because he was close at hand in bed.

Your Baby Will Sleep Longer and More Soundly

We all sleep better when we sleep together. Think about it: Do you like to sleep alone? Neither does your baby or toddler. You are comforting and reassuring to your child. When you are near, he will sleep longer and will sleep more soundly. If you try to pressure your child into sleeping before he's ready, he will resist sleep and bed time will become a battle.

Instead of spending hours trying to soothe your baby to sleep each night, you can spend a few minutes to get the same job done by just snuggling up next to him in your own bed. He will feel your warmth and your reassuring presence and will fall right to sleep.

Many people fear that co-sleeping will mean that their child will never leave their bed. The reality is that co-sleeping will help you and your whole family get better sleep, helping you to be happier and more rested. When that's the case, why would you ever want your child to leave your bed?

Did you co-sleep with your baby? Share your experiences in the comments!

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Sarah Clare is a writer and oversees the site projectmanagementsoftware.com, where she has
recently been researching gantt chart templates. In her spare time, Sarah enjoys cooking and
scrapbooking.



 

The Other Side, Parents vs. Nannies

A great friend of mine is a nanny. Strong and sure, she sometimes gets some flack from the parenting community. Posts like this kind of point toward why. But, you'll see, it's all mostly misunderstanding.


So, on behalf of parents...here's the other side.

1) Her first pet peeve is parents that allow tantrums. She says that she'll give in nine times out of ten and let a kid climb the stairs, but on the tenth time, she's not budging, and she's keeping the baby gate. Then she has to suffer a tantrum. And then when the parents get home, they think it's no big deal because they let the baby climb the stairs, so what the hell?

She says this undermines her and makes her job harder. Now, I can kind of see that, sure.

She says the parents either give her a mean look, or just take the gate down and let junior play on the stairs.

Then she says, thanks. Thanks a lot.

But here's the thing...you see, we're working on gross motor skills right now, and I want her to get all the practice she can while watched over by an adult so that she can perfect the skill, and I don't have to worry about her falling down the stairs much longer. Then we can get rid of that blasted gate that I stub my toe on every morning.

And since we're not co-parents, and you're not sticking around tonight, it's not really undermining you, though I can see how you would think that. It's more me wanting to spend time with my child, and wanting to practice stairs with her.

The ones who give the mean look? Well, they probably want you to practice stairs with the kid and think you are undermining them. But I don't think that's your job.

For parents, it's like, you can't just ignore a crying kid who throws herself into your arms. It's not me giving into a tantrum. I've just gotten home. I'm not thinking you're a horrible person. Babies cry. They want things, and they want them the same. But that's not how the world works, and while the girl learns that, there are going to be some stumbling blocks.

In fact, it's good that we have different methods. It introduces her to variety early. So, I'm not thinking she's a victim, but I am loving up on her, you know, because I love her.

And if you were able to calm her down about the stairs before I got home, that's more kudos to you! She likes and respects you, and you're helping me set adult / child boundaries. Those boundaries just happen to be different for you than for me.

So, in my opinion, I'm not 'giving in to her tantrum,' I'm just listening to her tell me about her day. And I'm thankful you were a part of it.


2) Next up is co-sleeping. Now, I never co-slept, so I'm going to have to step out of character for a moment.

She says that while co-sleeping may make the parents' lives easier, it makes hers harder, and she doesn't mind telling parents it's a problem for her.

Unfortunately, though, parents really aren't up late at night worrying about what personal, family sleeping habits are going to make their babysitter's or nanny's life hard. No. They're up late at night because their kid is screaming his bloody lungs out and finally, you know what, they take him into their bed. Because sleep.

End of story.

And if it's a problem for you, well, that's fine. Tell the parents during the interview, so they can decide if that's a problem for them. And, yeah, I get that it's inconvenient for you and even hard on the kid at first. But you know what? Kids are resilient. They fall into routines. So, hopefully you're not going to be dealing with screaming for a long time...because hopefully he'll learn that you don't want to lie there for an hour. He'll learn that a few minutes is enough. And I think you can give him a few minutes. You know what kids need to transition.

Most people will understand and sympathize with you, and even apologize that their little one won't go down for you. They know what the stakes are. They know what's happened. They still deserve a night off every once in a while, and if it's something you are unwilling to deal with, tell them upfront and save everyone some time. Especially if you are a full-time nanny who will be doing either naps or bedtime on a routine basis. I don't want my kid screaming her head off because you won't lay down with her for a few minutes, and if that's what's happening, you are totally right. We need a new arrangement. But my friend does say she'll deal with it occasionally. Well, that's better than nothing, right?

Again, it reinforces to the kid at an early age that adult / child boundaries can vary. A good lesson to learn.


3) Mama Bear. Oh, Mama Bear. I love Mama Bear...because I've been Mama Bear.

But let's take the "parent chilling on her cellphone or talking to her friends while her one-year-old baby plays across the area and she pays no attention, then comes up and berates a fellow caretaker when a three-year-old child falls on the baby" from the other side.

First, I'm probably a new parent. That huddle you see me in? That's not me getting some juicy gossip about the neighborhood. I couldn't care less. Lord knows, I can hardly speak to adults anymore. I just don't know how. I'm simply trying, and it's hard. No, that's me tensing every single muscle in my body so that I don't get up and walk over to hover directly over my precious at all times. I'm serious. I don't want to be one of those parents. The play area is for the babies, and I'm trying desperately to regain my independent personhood, and let the little one do the same. And it's killing me.

You don't have to do that because the child you're watching isn't your own, so while, you too, deserve a break like me, you probably don't have all these feels you're trying to logically counteract which would put you on the edge. And going along with that, yeah, my reaction is going to be out of proportion, but it's because my brain goes, "Love! Mine! Shit! Fuck! I knew I should have been hovering over there, I am such an asshole! Fuck! My baby! Shit! Is she ruined for life?!" I don't know the answers to these questions. Because I'm first-time parent stupid.

If the same were to happen to you, probably, you would be much more efficient and adept than I am at this. Your brain would go, "Oops! A little accident. Let's brush everyone off and try again."

Oh, how I would wish for that reaction, instead. It's a much more mature, and better, reaction.

So, when I come over and yell at you, and baby my child, and practically cry, it's not rage at you. And I apologize for being an ass. But it's got nothing to do with you at all. It's got to do with me. I'm all confused and scared and befuddled.

Please, give the Mama Bear a little patience. She's judging herself, not you.


As for 4) sick kids, and 5) payment, yeah, I've got nothing.

You shouldn't have to work around sick kids, especially if the parents ninjaed you and you didn't know they were sick. And everyone should get paid well, and on time, for what they do.

I guess some people are just jerks.




 

Parenting Online - Part 1

As a first-time parent, I did a lot of research online.  I looked at Kelly Mom, at Dr. Sears, at the World Health Organization.  I joined parenting groups and forums, baby groups and pages.  We have the internet's boundless knowledge, facts and experience at our fingertips, we may as well use it, right?

In my years of hardlined internet research, I learned one core fact I think every parent should take into consideration: you can find an expert to back up any belief you have.

It's true.  No matter how you choose to raise your child, you can find someone on the internet to tell you that you are doing it right.  For every one person you find to tell you that, there will be 20 more to tell you that you are doing it wrong.
 
My solution?

You need to do what feels right for you and for your child.  You cannot go by the book in parenting because there simply is no book.  Or, rather, there are 80 billion books.  As new parents, we often don't have the confidence to rely on ourselves, on our gut feeling, but with all this conflicting information, it's really all we have.

Here are a few examples of what I am talking about:

1) You are unsure if you should babywear.  Babywearing.com has an effusive writeup on the benefits of babywearing, many parents in your chosen internet forum advocate it, but, then again, there was that recall a while back.

People have been wearing babies for centuries.  If you choose to do so, you are following in their footsteps, and they've created millions of people, so I'm sure you'll be fine.  Alternately, people have been putting their babies down for centuries, and those babies turned out okay, too.

I never babywore.  I had twins.  Problem solved.  I didn't even have to look into this one.  (Although, I'm sure there are many advocates who would tell me I should have worn them both.  Perhaps saddlebag style?)

2) Breastfeeding or formula feeding.  Most news stories, experts and websites you'll see agree that breast is best, but your mother in law, your aunt, and the hospital in which you gave birth are pushing formula. 

Again, babies have been fed both ways for many, many years.  Those babies made it, and so will yours.

I breastfed for three months.  My babies never latched and needed to take my milk from a bottle.  I fought tooth and nail to continue, but the babies were less than 10 pounds at that three month mark, my breasts were making less milk, and I had to go back to work.  I switched to formula.  I'm here to tell you, I am still a good person, and my babies are thriving two year olds.  It's okay, and it's nobody's business how you feed your child.  Do what's best for you.

3) Cosleeping.  You can find multiple articles for and against cosleeping.  Some physicians say it's dangerous and leads to SIDS or other problems.  Others say that theory is rubbish, that cosleeping is good for baby and parents, that it strengthens bonds and leads to a better night's sleep for all involved.  You need to do what's right for you.

We never coslept.  My kids made it.

4)  Crying it out.  Babywise says do it.  Everyone else says don't.  Again, I stick to my adage of doing what's right for you.  In this particular instance, though, I must let my bias show, as I cannot imagine how letting a small baby cry for any long amount of time is good for anyone involved.  But I'm no expert.  That's what Google is there for.

And these are just a few.  There are so many questions that need to be answered.  And once you make a decision, there are several important follow ups.  So that if you decide that a pacifier is right for your family, you then have to research what type of pacifier, and when you're supposed to wean baby from that pacifier, and when you can and can't use that pacifier, and how often, and for what amount of time.

With all of this ready-made knowledge, we're essentially taking the intuition out of parenting.  I'm not advocating shunning the internet.  The information is there, we best use it.  I'm simply saying, don't forget, in all the noise of the typeface coming through your computer screen, to listen to yourself, and, more importantly, to listen to your child.