Starbucks and the Internet's Bogeyman

So, Starbucks. I know, I know, but this isn't one of those posts, okay? I want to actually attempt to explain at least some of this bullshit.

As everyone in the United States has seen on repeat for the past news cycle, Starbucks replaced their red cups with snowflakes and doves on them with red cups.

The first I saw of the news was the sudden arrival of 80 billion posts on my friends' list complaining about people complaining about this change.

I saw not one actual complaint about the change.

My guess is, hardly any of my friends posting backlash against the backlash actually saw any original backlash either.

So, our knowledge of this "Starbucks controversy" comes in the form of replies to a complaint that, so far as I can tell, never really took off online. Sure, a few people were raising their hands to clouds and shouting Merry Christmas in their living rooms like every year, but, you know, most years we just tell grandpa to stop yelling at the TV and go back to our lives.

This year, for some reason, we decided to make up a bad guy and skewer him. And this news cycle, it happened to be right-wing Christians attacking Starbucks (whether or not they actually did). Because it is plausible enough that somewhere, someone who believes in the Savior was ticked off about the removal of a few white pictures on a red cup. Or, like, wouldn't it be funny and eye-roll inducing if there were someone mad about something like that? It WOULD. Okay, let's go with that. And then as people continue to open their computers, this happens:

Because it's an easy joke. It's an easy topic. It's an easy debate. It's easy. People like easy. And people love to tell other people that there are more important things going on than what they are worried about. Makes the first lot seem very important and worldly while they also get to contribute to the very topic they deem so unimportant.

And in this--very rare--case, Sbux cups actually ARE unimportant. (Usually, people telling other people their worries are meaningless because people are starving, or houses are burning and etc., are just falling back on a logical fallacy to inflate their own sense of importance). But not this time.

So, Starbucks cups.

Meanwhile, there is Mizzou, there are protests in the Philippines, Russia has a nuclear torpedo, we're close to finding life outside our solar system, Israelis are killing Palestinians in hospitals, Yale students are being Yale students, the ozone hole is as big as it was at record bigness, and the like.

All below the fold to Starbucks and its new cup.

Why?

Let me tell you.

In communications academia we have this theory called agenda setting. It basically states that the media set the agenda for the public and its opinion. To break that down: the media tell the people what is important to them and how they should think about the issue. And the public then responds. This is a self-propelling phenomenon, as whether or not the public agrees with the salience of the issue the media tell it is important, they still contribute to that salience by responding. Ergo, what the media decide to promote is the issue that goes to the front lines. And all the people railing against that power simply make that power stronger.

So, why would media focus on a Starbucks marketing decision, amid all the actual important news out there? As mentioned before, it is easy.

You see, even though media set the agenda for the public, media are beholden to what the public will actually talk about and they pay people like me big money to tell them what those issues are going to be. In the online age particularly, picking a topic that the public will respond to and argue over quickly and virally is of utmost importance to continue the relevance of any given publications, and guys, the media knows you a little bit. It's been serving you for a while now.

The media knows that liberals want to laugh about how stupid conservative people are, and that conservative people want to be like, bro, I don't even care about a cup, wtf, and that religious people want to chime in about a very important piece of their lives no matter where they fall in the argument.

The argument, remember, that isn't even happening because who of any importance actually said, OMG STARBUCKS HATES CHRISTIANS.

Not one person. At least in the early days.

In fact, the media TOLD Donald Trump (and a few other "important / newsworthy" people, that this was an issue, and basically invited them to be that guy. Because you can't fight a ghost forever.

So when Trump did his Trumply duty and spoke on it, we all wiped our brows in relief. It worked. The plan worked. We got our bad guy.

And when Dunkin' Donuts saw a chance to get its name in the news because holy crap, what a TON of advertising for Sbux right now, and that is totally unfair to the other coffee chains, it, too, made its own followup. Then Ellen and other people with credibility stepped in.

And now we've got a story with legs. And we get to sit back and say, "See, public? We told you this was a big deal and you heard it here first. We told you this was a big story. We broke this story. You know, the story we completely fabricated."

Another win for publications filling pages looking for clicks.

And the public began to play along. After a million posts starting with those memes above, then going into the actual news stories linked just after those, people started to voice their opinions on the issue and we got ourselves a nice (if tiny), eff-the-pc-police camp. So, thanks, internet commenters. You've done your job. In my public search, I found two. TWO.

"So I went to Starbucks to test the no Merry Christmas bull that Donald Trump has been talking about, and sure enough, they are not allowed to say it or write it on your cup! So not only do they support killing babies by employee matching planned parenthood, but they really have banned the use of Christmas this season! Thinking it's about time for a total boycott!"

"Christmas is the best holiday of the year. It has nothing to do with religion - it's about family time, snuggling, warm cider, christmas trees, gift-giving, reindeer and santa claus ...
The disappointment with Starbucks is about the PC-neutralization of American culture, and not about religion.
Once again Trump has the right idea. Dump Starbucks. Peet's has better coffee anyways, and they have holiday cheer!"

Okay great.


But we still haven't answered why the media choose to inflate the importance of stories like this. And I can't speak for them, I can only speak for me, but I can tell you, as a member of the media, it is hard to report on news. News is sad. And bad. And angry. And unfair. And people are fucking dying out there every day. And it's our job to tell you about it. And you don't want to hear about it, and we don't want to write about it, not because we don't care, but because we care so much, and we are helpless. We are the mouthpiece of the atrocities of the world, and we soon learn that just telling people about these atrocities does not end those atrocities. Only action and behavioral change on a systemic level does. And news articles are like bb guns in the fight to create that change. We have entire models on this, again, in academia. Changing behavior in just ONE individual takes the perfect recipe of facts, timing and interest on the part of that person that must be applied for months if not years. Changing the behavior in a society? That takes decades, and millions of voices, and the change is slow and painful and we're tired.

So, the public wants a break to complain about a cup?

Sometimes we just give up and agree. Yes, let's do that instead. For today. Tomorrow, back on the social justice boat.

Seven reasons you shouldn't publicly shame your kids as punishment

So, this happened. And it was only a matter of time, honestly. And it's sad, and horrible and words cannot describe the level of awful it is.

And I am not going to pile on the father who ended up on the internet scolding his daughter as he cut off all her hair. Yes, that was my first instinct, but honestly, without having seen the video (I can't/don't want to/it's gone/whatever), and giving the benefit of the doubt, I'm guessing that man is is a puddle of guilt-ridden grief right now. God forbid I or you or any one of us make the mistake of implementing a discipline method we think will really deter behavior only to lose our child forever because of our decision. My guess is that man is already just barely hanging on, if that. I don't want to add.

I'd like to make a generic list, though, outlining reasons why public internet shaming of kids is a really shitty idea (in case what has happened isn't proof enough). The internet, we forget, particularly social media, is still fairly new, and it's not just our kids we are teaching about how to navigate it safely and effectively and what the repercussions of viral can really be.

7) It shows your child at his worst. When did we become a society enamored with the darkest sides of our loved ones? Why would we want to save a moment that marks a low for the child we are supposedly raising? Isn't the point to get the best behaved, nicest, most polite child we can muster at any given time? Don't we want them to shine? Everyone gets a trophy, right? That's the new motto? So why on Earth are we starting to post up videos and photos of 5-14 year olds at their worst for anyone to gawk at? And not just at their worst, but lower than their worst because they're being punished for their wrongdoing, which is humiliating enough in private, if I recall correctly from my childhood.

6) It shows you at your worst. These videos, meant to showcase the bad behavior of the children being taped, inadvertantly show the bad behavior of the parents. Any parent who has to resort to mindful, purposeful humiliation of her child as a form of punishment is clearly no longer in control of her household and trying desperately, no-holds-barred, to get that control back. Is that the face you want to forward on your social media? Hi, friends, aquaintances, former bosses and strangers! Look at how I'm no longer able to manage my kid!

5) It airs your dirty laundry. That's a dated phrase my own mom used to use, but in this case, it's true enough. How many people on the internet need to know the intimate particulars of your squabbles with your kids? If you don't care about your child's privacy at all, what about your own? What about your household's? Are you still going to feel happy about this decision two weeks from now when whatever your kid did has blown over a bit? What about two months from now? Or two years? Or twenty? You are forever labeling your home life as tumultuous at best, and inviting others not only to laugh at your kid (cruel), but to laugh at your life. Good job, parent.

4) It's bullying. Yes, your kid did something very wrong. That's why you are disciplining them. And, yes, you think that filming this and sharing it is part of the discipline, but it's not. Remember back to when they were little. Using your big force to push around the little kid was bad. Enforcing natural consequences was good. It remains the same. Filming and sharing is using your power against that of the child. It's 'putting them in their place' in a mean-spirited way. Showing them who is the boss, who has control of their image, their life, their very being. It's bullying.

3) It lasts forever. If you change your mind about it, too bad. You can delete it all you want, it will still be there. Only one person out of all that saw it had to right-click save, and you're doomed. And if it goes big enough, there will be the articles about it that remain after the original source is gone. And even if it never gets that big, it still captures a moment in time that families outside of that stressful second would have forgotten about. But on the internet, it can be relived years from now. It will follow your child throughout his life.

2) Whatever the kid did wrong is not that big a deal. If you find yourself reaching for the camera, it's a good bet your emotions are running high enough that you are no longer seeing life in its correct perspective. I don't care what the kid did. Drinking, lying, theft, whatever the worst thing you can think of is. It seems like the end of the world at the time, like you must take strong steps to correct the behavior, but how will you feel about it five years from now? Chances are, without a video, you'll be laughing with Great Aunt Hilda about it next Thanksgiving. Because a mistake is a mistake, and caring families can get over that shit. A video poisons that family dynamic. Memory cannot make it fonder or lessen the impact. It's just there as it was in that twisted moment, forever.

1) It could have lasting consequences. At its most brutal, you could end up responsible for your child's death. Or you could put a splinter in your relationship with her that will never heal, the chasm only widening with time. You could forever change the way your child thinks about herself. You could have her believing that your love is a lie. You could introduce trust and boundary issues that plague her into adulthood.


This girl needed help. She needed support. She was obviously making poor choices, and her father was obviously at the end of his rope. But when that tough love happened, instead of straightening out, it extinguished her last line of hope in life, her last vestiges of belief in love or in herself.

Please don't humiliate your child. There are so many other ways to get them to do the right thing. Social media shaming is the worst form of discipline to come down the pike since the belt buckle.

Creepster Alert (or how to recognize a potential stalker on social media)

This is a creeper alert.

So many of us post pictures of ourselves and our families and children on Facebook, and did you know that even if you do it friends only, someone can share that picture with their network AND save it to their photo page by tagging themselves in it?

Did you further know that if someone tags themselves in your picture (ie: you aren't the tagger), you, as the owner of the picture, do not have the option to untag them?

Did you even further know that unfriending the person will not untag them? You have to full out block them in order for that tag to be removed.

The good news is that if a creepy creepster is tagging himself (or herself) in your photos to make you part of a creepy FB picture collection, you probably want to block them anyway. So, seriously, get to blocking.

That's me yesterday. Those are my kids. We are going out with my husband to a Mothers Day dinner.

I do not know Jerry Jackson.

I was not "with" him.

I have never met him, and the one interaction I had with him before this left me with a creeper-alert feeling.

I was right.

He's now blocked.

But if you look at his photo page, he makes a habit of tagging himself in women's photos a lot. So that he essentially has an album of women in dresses. Probably hardly any of them whom he actually knows. That's some pretty bold creepy right that. That's some gross.

Here's the story:

Probably about a year ago, I accepted a friend request from a guy I didn't know. I never do this, but I accepted this request because we had a mutual friend who is also a journalist whom I respect without question and because his profile read that he was a professor overseas, and those two things combined seemed legit. She probably would know a professor overseas and maybe he read my stuff and liked it and had story ideas for me, or whatever.

After the acceptance, I forgot about it because we had no reason to interact.

Then two months ago, he sent me a random PM and I noticed our mutual friend had vanished. I also noticed that he spoke like a chain email from a Nigerian prince, but I've been insensitive to English Second Language before, so aside from noticing, no judgement. Except, probably not a professor. And today when I alerted a group of women to this man's behavior, their investigation showed that, no, he is not a professor at the University of Oxford. Jury's still out on whether or not he used to work for or with One Direction though. Um...

I'm one of those people who feels bad about unfriending people. In fact, this person has become only the second person I've unfriended, and he is the first I've blocked. As such, I actually replied to his response that day:

And that was the end of it. He let the conversation drop, which was fine by me. I had meant to unfriend him after that, but something in my real life distracted me, the little pm box vanished in my ever exploding inbox, and we had no further interaction of any kind, so I forgot all about it.

Until this morning.

When he tagged my photo of me and my girls.

Now, most of the women's photos where he tags himself are young, made-up gorgeous-looking women in fancy, sexy evening wear. But of the 80 or so photos (two of which he tagged himself in just minutes after tagging mine), a few scattered photos were like mine. A nice enough looking mom with her children. Why?

Two of his friends (both nice enough looking moms with children in their profile pictures) liked my photo within minutes. So my theory is, he uses photos of his 'friends' with kids to counteract the damn creepiness of scoping young, single women in dresses looking glam. My photo in which he tagged himself perhaps lent legitimacy to his online persona. The other women don't know I don't know him. They probably fully believe I was "with him" at the time. Or, if they've had their own photos co-opted by him, perhaps it gave them a feeling of peace. 'Maybe it's a compliment,' they might be thinking. 'Maybe he just likes the photos and tags himself to show how much more he likes them than the average liker. At the very least, I'm not the only woman this has happened to, so maybe it's more normal than I think.'

Well, I'm not going to be a party to normalizing creepy behavior online, and I'm certainly not going to allow my children's photo to be stacked up in an online library of pictures of women this guy "was with".

Before the internet, someone collecting photos of women like this would have easily been the subject of a crime thriller movie. Why on Earth would the medium of Facebook suddenly make it okay?

Ladies, if someone you don't know requests you as a friend, and you accept that request, if they give you ANY reason to unfriend them, do it.

And if they act like Mr. Jerry Jackson, here, block them and report them, too. It's not just for you. It's for the other women. And there are almost always other women. Someone must speak for them because too often they second guess and forget and do not speak for themselves. And then they're part of a collection of creepy photos online.

Nope.

Thank You for Being a Friend: Making and Keeping Adult Friends -- Guest Post

Making friends as a child seems so simple. "You like blocks? WOW, ME TOO! Let's be friends."

That makes it even more frustrating when, as an adult, the process is not only more complicated but more difficult. It’s nothing like what I thought when I watched Spice World or Friends as a teenager. You may not regularly be in situations where you can find common ground with other adults. Everyone is busy, and they don't have time to chat with you or just drop by- they're off to their next appointment.

And making friends at work can be tough. Maybe your co-workers are different enough from you in terms of stage of life, politics, interests, whatever that you can't connect on more than a fairly superficial level. Maybe you don't want to mix your personal and your work life much. Maybe you always have to run out at the end of the workday, so regular happy hours and other work functions aren't an option for you.

And maybe you have those life-long high school or college friends that you always keep in touch with, but you don't live near them anymore, or something else is keeping you from the social face time you need. So how does an adult make friends, then? How do you keep up a social life with all the other stuff you have going on?

I've found a few things that have worked for me for making and keeping adult friends:

Join something. Volunteer groups, professional organizations, take a class, do something else with a group that you find inspiring. You'll automatically have something in common with others there, and even if you don't meet a potential new friend, you still get a benefit. You get the opportunity to talk and work together with others on a common goal. Some of my best friends I met through volunteering.

Schedule your social time. One of the big barriers for me to having an active social life is that I get lazy about social engagements, and then after a couple months of living in a cocoon I realize I'm really lonely. Regularly scheduled social time makes a huge difference. I have a set time once a week where I get together with a group of friends- we eat takeout and watch Netflix, nothing big, but it really helps me get much needed social time. It doesn't always happen, but definitely more often than not- and having the standing appointment means I don't have to think ahead and plan something out. It helps me maintain my relationships too- that way my fragile adult friendships don't wither from neglect.

In the same vein- book your social time well in advance. People are busy and have well-developed routines. It's hard to do last-minute lunches or movies or coffee outings with friends who have a lot going on. I try to book things about a month ahead of time- yes, even casually grabbing coffee. So much easier to work around schedules that way. I have a few friends I can get together with on short notice- but those are few and far between.

Use social media. I try to check in with friends every so often using instant messaging or Facebook. It feels a bit more superficial than going out for coffee, but it really helps to keep that connection alive. As well, it can help you build a connection with a new friend- you might find that that cool person you met at yoga also loves incredibly spicy Thai food, has kids of similar ages, and loves going to cheap matinees and having weekend Netflix binges. A couple of quick Facebook conversations can take you from casual acquaintances to great friends.

Be forgiving. Again, people have a lot going on. It's easy to get frustrated when people frequently cancel plans, but it's also tough to keep social plans when you've got kids and jobs and a million other things competing for your attention. For sure, don't just be a social doormat, but also, cut people some slack. This is also a good reason to build up a group of friends- if your regular coffee date hasn't been able to make it in a while, maybe invite another friend for a Thursday morning latte for a while.



What have you found has helped you to make and keep friends as an adult?

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When she’s not making play-doh spaceships with her two young sons, Jenny Hill, CPLP creates engaging, accessible, and effective learning experiences, so learners can reach their potential and do their most meaningful work.  You can contact her on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferreneehill.

Social Media - Guest Post

Today, Cassandra from Smibbo has graciously allowed me to share her interesting take on the social media we all love to hate or hate to love or any variations thereof.


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Look at this Cartoon .

Social Media. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, G+, Reddit, Livejournal – those are only the ones I’m somewhat familiar with. Those are the generalized ones. There’s many more that are specialized too. Videosift, Youtube, dailymotion, Foursquare, Linkedin…

All virtual meeting-places. Forums, communities, groups, hangouts, guilds elists and PMs. We know what they are and how they’re used. Despite different tools, commands and symbols, they all do basically the same thing: bring people together online to share with each other.

The general consensus is that it is sucking up our socializing. We no longer rely on “real-time” or “face time”. We don’t interact on a daily basis in a “normal” way. Social media is making us all strangers. Social media is stealing our potential quality time. Social media is engulfing us in virtual reality and we are letting life slip by unnoticed. Our children are neglected, our work is sub-standard and our interactions are minimized. We are addicted to unreal relationships.

What did we do before social media?

The general consensus is that we actually made plans to see each other. We had conversations, went out and got to know each other. We looked at each other. We acknowledged one another. We had “real” relationships. Parents paid attention to their kids, SigOths went on dates, and we had hobbies that didn’t require looking at a screen.

Did we really?

All my life I’ve been fascinated with paucity. I read Lois Lenski and the “little house” series. I imagined what life was like without electricity, indoor plumbing or interstate commerce. Reading by candlelight, sitting on a latrine and relying on a garden for dinner…. not things I romanticized or wanted, but fascinated by nonetheless. All my life I’ve been grateful to live when I do; no slavery, women can vote, and modern “conveniences” like light, heat and ready food. There’s many thing I remember “the old fashioned way” – stick shift driving, gas heaters without thermostats, fans instead of air conditioners, ovens that had to be lit.

I remember everyone using cash to pay for things. A check was a huge hold-up at the store and a calculator that you could put in your purse was an amazing thing. Credit cards were for emergencies or rich people. In fact, rich people didn’t use credit cards much either; they had “line of credit” at stores and could simply walk in, pick things out, and have them delivered to their home and billed later.

Being billed later… the doctor, the grocer, the dress shop,… that’s what rich people did. Everyone else did “lay-away” Credit was a luxury.

When you were growing up, what did you think was “luxurious”?

I thought having a house with more than one floor was luxurious. One of my earliest dreams was to own a house with a master staircase. And have a credit card. And two phone lines. And being able to buy a new tire for my car. A NEW tire. That was “luxury” to me.

I remember when answering machines arrived. My parents refused one for a very very long time. My parents are not luddites, but they are logical: “if we buy an item, it will be because we NEED it” was their main philosophy on purchasing things. Because of course, we were very poor. So an answering machine? “Pah! If we’re not here, what’s the point of a machine telling people we’re not here? they can call back later!”

Then “call waiting” happened. It annoyed my mother. But I was a teenager and my penchant for phone conversations that lasted all night forced my parents to rationalize paying for call waiting. They saw the logic in the purchase the same day we got it. But they didn’t buy an answering machine until they became landlords.

I remember car seats for babies. Shoulder seat belts. VCRs.

But what I remember most? What changed everything for my family?

Programmable calculators.

My father bought one as soon as they were available. My father has a degree in physic engineering. Nuff said, right?

My father loved the programmable calculator so much he bought the next version as soon as it came out and gave me his old one. I was eleven. That was my first lesson in programming. Looking back, what I learned would be akin to what’s called a “script” or “macro” today- a short program that tells the computer to do a series of steps it already can do. Instead of having to input every step individually, the script or macro calls up the series of steps with one button. We thought this was amazing. I’d been to IBM on a field trip in school more than once so I knew what a computer was. And here was something very much like a computer, that fit into my backpack. Amazing.

So of course PCs came out. Of course my father got one. Like most early nerds, he bought a kit and built it himself. He learned rapidly. He taught some to me. I knew basic before high school. I fiddled with machine code. I learned to make pictures with ASCII. Fun times.

So what were we doing, socially, back then? Were we really a culture of people going outside all the time, walking around looking at each other, making eye contact and starting up conversations with strangers? Were parents paying rapt attention to their kids in the evenings? Did families go out and do all sorts of “organic” fun? Were we all really acknowledging each other all the time? Were we all full of so much social time that we engaged one another constantly? or even continually? did we use the phone to call each other all the time? did we write letters left and right? Were we a nation of hobbyists and athletes and artists producing and creating and generally making life pleasant without gadgetry?

Well yes, we were.

Did we do it so much more than we do now?

Well no, not really.

We didn’t stop doing any of those things. We haven’t retreated into a silent world of screen-gazing and info-sharing while neglecting the real flesh and blood of relationships any more than we used to sit every night around a campfire and sing kum-bah-ya with locked arms and loving glances.

What we did was trade. In some cases, we traded one type of communication that was cumbersome and time-consuming for much more efficient version of the same.

Do people sit down and write letters that they will later mail at the post office later? Some. Mostly, people write emails. It’s an exchange that actually broadened the scope of communication and made interaction more commonplace. Because “snail mail” letter-writing required a significant investment of time, money and mental energy, it wasn’t something everyone did. When a person did choose to write a letter, it was an endeavor which could take up much of their resources and as such meant the letter had to justify said effort. Of course, some people didn’t write their own letters to begin with. Many people would hire someone else more skilled to write on their behalf. Because of this, letter-writing was considered something of a talent; one could actually gain a reputation as a “good letter-writer”. Sending someone your thoughts, ideas and questions wasn’t something to be done lightly. So many people didn’t do it at all. Think of all those thoughts, ideas and questions that never got put out. All that information, clarification and interaction that never happened.

Email erased that and gave the power to exchange to everyone almost equally.

I hear the lamentation that grammar and spelling have gone out the window with the advent of social media and the internet. Some think its because the internet has made people stop caring, taking pride in their expression. I think the internet, for all its egalitarian beauty, merely opened the floodgates for those who are not talented or skilled in letter-writing to attempt to interact anyway. No longer is letter-writing an intimidating prospect that could eat up considerable time and energy. Now anyone can do it, so long as the “rules” for exchange have softened.

Do people sit and have conversations via phone or gathering like they used to? Of course they do. But social media has changed that landscape too. No longer does one have to be subject to the influence of whoever happens to be in their vicinity; with social media, one can choose to interact with whatever type and strata of person they like at any time. Barely speak English? Know nothing about current events? Only interested in discussing llama farming? Find your group online and start talking! now! Introduce yourself – ah remember that? “introduce yourself” used to be one of the most dreaded phrases in social gatherings. Standing in front of a crowd of strangers, you had to on-the-spot come up pertinent information about yourself that would entice people to want to know you, accept you and validate you.

Strangers you say? Bah! Why waste time with strangers when you could find an online “gathering” of people you share things in common with. Take as long as you need to write your introduction. Read other people’s posts so you can get a feel for how this group functions and whether you are “on their level” or not. If you realize you’re out of your depth, or sailing above everyone else, you can leave quietly and no one will even remember or care that you stopped by. It’s all in your hands. And if you want, at any time the “real world” is still out there, waiting for you to go join it. But now when you do, you can set your stage beforehand using social media. Much of the dreadful, terrifying unknown has been swept away from socializing now. No more standing around with total strangers wondering how to break the ice, present yourself and find out who everyone is. When you get to your meet-up you come armed with important knowledge that allows you to bypass hours of awkward fumbling and guessing.

So what is all this really building to? What are we getting from social media that isn’t being talked about?

Social media gives us one thing we have never had so much of before in our long history of socializing: the power of independent choice.

Social media is so seductive, attractive and wonderful because while it fulfils our need to be social, it also allows us to control everything about our socializing. Even the power to retreat, if we want to. Often with very little repercussions.

Think back… when you first started getting online, what did you do? When you first started dipping into social media (in my case it was IRC) did you make “mistakes”? How long did it take you to figure out “how this thing works”? Once you figured one social media out -the rules, the rituals, the expectations and of course the tools, how hard was it to move on to another type of social media and figure it out?

Social media doesn’t define our culture. It doesn’t supplant “normal” socializing. It hasn’t killed “facetime” nor has it erased the need for relationships. It has expanded our reach, broadened our capacity for inclusion and lowered the price of interaction for everyone equally. It has also allowed us to reimagine ourselves as social creatures. The person I am when I play an online game is not quite the same person I am when I discuss current events on a forum. the person I am on my public blog is not the same person I am on my friends-only blog, my facebook, my twitter, my emails… who I am is what I want to be, who I think I need to be for each unique online situation.

I have recently learned something new as well: I am not required to stay the same on any social media. I have grown all my life and social media is no different. My growth has included many lessons about myself, people I know and the world around me. But some of my favorite lessons have been about social media itself and how its changed my expectations and my interactions. I realized recently that I do not have to feel beholden to anyone for an explanation unless I am on a neutral-ownership place. If it is MY facebook, MY blog or MY twitter, I owe no one anything in explanation or expectation. But when I am on a forum, an email list, or any other group, I am no more important or less than any one else in that same group. I have never felt more equality than when in online discussions. Despite the fact that there are still bigots, assholes and patronizing jerks, the general tenor of online groups are egalitarian. We are all anonymous to some degree and yet we all have reputations as well. We gather personality traits over time like any other form of socializing. Yet because of the differences in online interactions and “real life” interaction, those traits are seen more as individual traits than indicators of whatever classifications of humanity I belong to. I may have a reputation for being quick-tempered and mouthy but I am not taken to be the token spokesperson for all white, disabled, female bisexuals. My traits are indicative of ME. Unlike many “real time” interactions wherein any type of noticeable reactive traits can easily be considered hallmarks of “your kind” The anonymity of the online world is good like that.

Lastly, I want to touch upon the intricate nature of social media’s place in parenting. Obviously, I am a big fan of parenting forums as my recent post about Special Needs Parenting forums clearly showed. But overall, social media has given parents a gift that has no ‘real life” component: individualized networking.

Before social media, parents had magazines and some books. If you wanted to meet other parents, the best you could do was to join the PTA or church group. If you did, you had to hope there were other parents who had similiar parenting philosophies but more importantly, you had to hope that your philosophies were NOT the type to get you branded as “one of THOSE parents” by the majority of wherever you were. Because if you went to your local school and mentioned an unpopular parenting idea… you were stuck for the next 12 years. You could be outcast, ostracized, gossip-fodder possibly even harassed through CPS if you said the “wrong” thing. So parents have gained solidarity in social media but they have also gained something more valuable: understanding and acceptance. Which goes both ways. Nowadays, even if you live in backwater USA and your entire PTA goes to church every day of the week, think Jesus rode dinosaurs and women must wear hats everywhere they go, even then, you still have heard of other parenting philosophies. You may not like them, you may think they are weird, but , you’ve heard of them and you know, whether grudgingly or happily, that you must have some level of tolerance.

And that first tiny foot-in-the-door of tolerance? Is better than humanity has had for the last thousand or so years.

Because of social media.

So yes, go out occasionally. Talk to people sometimes. Smile at strangers. Enjoy “real life” interaction. Its just as wonderful as its always been. But I suspect people haven’t stopped doing those things or craving them.

People just need to be reminded once in a while that social media enhances interaction, even as it doesn’t replace it. They live side-by-side, supporting each other. Use them both wisely.








 

Using Babies for Adult Messages: Don't Do It, Part I

Something crossed my tumblr yesterday that really bothered me. It took me a while to place what my problem was, since I agreed with the overall message, assumedly being that women shouldn't concentrate so hard on being thin. Whoever posted it wanted women to know that stick-thin is not beautiful. More precisely, that extreme skinniness is not as sexy as having a little extra weight.

And there's nothing wrong with that message. Especially if it will help young women with their self-image and self-worth. Fighting the exagerrated and impossibly unattainable societal view of sexy is something I support, moreso than ever since I have three-year-old daughters, who soon are going to have to be strong enough to love themselves inside and out, regardless of what they see in the pages of magazines.

But this public service announcement really rubbed me the wrong way, and here's why.

It used babies.

There was one adorable roly-poly little guy, and one adorable skinny minny. An arrow pointed at the bigger one. "This," it said, "is sexier than this." The phrasing ended at another arrow that was pointing at the thinner baby. I have the pic saved on my hard drive, but I don't know where it came from, so I'm uncomfortable reposting it.

First of all, I'm just uncomfortable with people calling babies sexy. I don't think the poster or the rebloggers are perverts or anything, but sexy is simply a term that shouldn't be applied to infants. On the one hand, I can see their point, trying to enhance the message changing the situation around it, by placing it squarely in the lap of innocence. On the other hand, just no. The inappropriateness of the message vs. the photo outweighs the message itself and all its purported nuances.

Secondly, if the bloggers think that babies are uneffected by the weight/beauty debate, they're mistaken. How many posts do we see where parents are worried about their children's weight. Either for legitimate health reasons, or, more unfortunately, because other people are telling them that their baby is too fat, too thin, too something. They are babies. There is no sexier than, there is no too fat, there is no too thin. Each baby is different, grows differently, stores nutrients differently and needs different fat levels to be healthy and happy. The children pictured were so young that they were only eating breastmilk or formula at the time the picture was taken. It's not like they were making bad life choices. By bringing attention to the way their bodies process food, the bloggers are undoing their entire intent. They're essentially saying, "hey, this little guy has a slower metabolism than this girl. He's chubbier and she's skinnier through no fault of their own and through no fault of their parents. Let's stare and pick it apart anyway!" And isn't the point not to judge people about their looks? Good job.

I personally have an issue with the picture because it straight up told me my girls weren't pretty because they were skinny. Well, actually, I don't have an issue with it because it didn't say pretty, it said sexy, and just ew. But assuming the deeper message meant pretty, then my kids got the short shift.

We took them home at 3.5 pounds. It took them two months to fit into newborn clothes. They were then 6 or 7 pounds. At two months. It was all we could do to get them to eat. Every ounce was a battle, every one gained, a victory. Pointing at a skinny baby and implying there's something superficially wrong with her makes light of some very real and serious issues that these parents may be facing. And if the babies are not struggling to avoid "failure to thrive" and they're just naturally thin, well, there is still nothing wrong with that.

The babies are at least two months old here. Those are newborn clothes.

These kids have their whole lives to be judged by strangers. Let's not start it at three months or six months by splattering their image across social networking sites and labelling them sexy or not sexy.

Babies and social experiments just don't mix well together. Don't do it. Think of the kids.

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Playing on Facebook Can Get You a Job

Playing on Facebook can get you a job - I'm not talking about Farmville, though I'm sure there must be something for which those skills can be used.  While Facebook is thought of by many as a way to pass the time, the social network has broad business applications if you use it right.  And it's only one of many networking, aggregating, blogging and mini-blogging sites out there, all of which can be used to pad your resume.

My young cousin is taking a college course entitled "Digital Literacies and Social Media."  After I stopped laughing (not at you, Margaret, and not at your class, but at how very old I am in my young years - when I was in school the height of technology was using an old Dreamweaver prototype to insert annoying music that played automatically on your own web page), I realized how mainstream social media is becoming in the business world.  It's been a part of our personal lives for years now, but corporations and businesses have a lot of red-tape to cut through before they can implement even the slightest change in ideas.  And the use of social media is no slight change.  It's revolutionizing advertising, marketing and public relations.  It's affecting growth, popularity and income in the business world.  And it's something you can learn while you're staying at home with your kids.  And it's something that makes you marketable, should you ever choose to go back to the working world.
Here is how your blog experience can help you in the workplace:

1) Writing skills - By blogging regularly, you keep your writing skills in tune with today's style.  You know what topics draw in readers.  You know which tones keep their attention.  You have, on your own accord, found an audience and grown it.

2) Networking - By creating a Facebook page and Twitter for your blog, you expand your readership.  You allow for maximum readership at any given time, proving you know not only how to write a compelling piece, but that you also know how to spread the word through grassroot avenues.  As more people join these pages, their friends and associates see links to your stuff, and they in turn may join, creating a spiral of popularity. 

3) Marketing - You may have included giveaways on your blog, or participated in blogshares, or done a guest blog.  All of these will increase your readership and are a form of marketing.  You are reaching out to a foreign audience with your 'product' and enticing them back to your homebase, in the hopes of recruiting new audience members - new buyers, in terms of the business world.  There are blog syndication services, and services allowing you to farm your blog out to local newspapers, aggregates and magazines, all increasing your readership and theirs in a symbiotic relationship.

4) Branding - If your blogging, you've had to come up with an idea, a tagline, and a way to draw readers or viewers in.  I'm a writer, so my blog is all about writing, but there are those who showcase photography, or crafting, and some simply use the blogging platform to forward their original ideas.  For instance, a friend of mine decided to start recycle old crayons.  She created a Facebook page, told a few people about it, and within hours had more than 200 fans.  Her idea was that strong.  As you continue in your projects, you are strengthening your brand, something that businesses are striving to do, themselves, with a lot more notoriety and manpower.  If you can build a brand from scratch, it makes you invaluable. It shows you've got the creativity and gumption to find ways to insert yourself into people's lives.  Branding is important.  Branding is the reason you know The Pioneer Woman's name.

5) Partnerships - if you review products or give them away, you are forging a partnership with the businesses that make those products.  You are forming relationships, connecting the personal lives of your audience to the professional service of that particular business.  You've become not just an end-point, but a link.  Those businesses may eventually offer you advertising, and you will offer them a new audience they'd otherwise be unable to reach.

As businesses struggle to catch up to the personal lives of their consumers, they are looking for people who have honed these skills.  This marks a change from the hireability of just a few years ago.  Where previously, you would have been hardpressed to explain to an employer that while you stayed at home with your children for those few years, you were working on your 'brand,' in today's world, that's exactly what they want to hear.  And it gives you an edge that those who have stayed in the business world do not have.

When I start applying for jobs, it's true, I'll have to tell them that I have not stacked or lined a news show in two years.  And, yes, I'm afraid they'll not take me back.  But I'll be able to show them well-rounded growth in an area that not many people have the opportunity to dip into, in an area that has become very desireable in the eyes of an employer.

I'll be able to tell them that in addition to changing diapers and heating bottles, I wrote pieces that were picked up by such and such publications nationwide.  I'll be able to tell them that without previous name or reputation, I built a following of hundreds of people.  I'll be able to tell them that when I write about breakfast cereals, thousands of people take a peek.  I'll be able to offer them the network I have painstakingly built for myself, and more importantly, I'll be able to offer them the skills I learned while building that network.

This is what they mean when they say mommy bloggers are taking over the world.

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Social Media and Moms - An Introduction

Social media has revolutionized what it means to be a mother.  Sure, the basics of mothering remain the same throughout the ages, but with all the information of the internet at our fingertips, new theories catch steam quickly, unsafe practices are brought to light in front of large audiences, and people can pick and choose which parenting methods work best for them in real time, as these methods are being used and tested by others.

One of the largest drawbacks to staying at home with your kids is the broad-stroked isolation you feel as your friends continue on their paths while you stop your own development to jump start your babies' development.  Though spending hours upon hours with your kids is fulfilling in a way nothing else can be, it is also lonely, as your main mode of conversation becomes: "Do you want this or that?  Do you have to use the potty?  Please, stop crying."

Gone are the days of idle chat with your peers, the coffee shops, the restaurants, the heart-to-hearts.  You can barely get an entire sentence out without addressing your kids in some manner, which is off-putting to conversational attempts to say the least.

Social media and Web sites bring the world to you.  If you want to talk about parenting, there are sites devoted to parents sharing pictures and stories of their little ones.  If you want to read the newspaper, you can catch up on current events with the click of a button.  You can interact with others and discuss the stories you're reading in the comments section.  You can keep in touch with friends via Facebook.  Most importantly, you can devote just minutes at a time to any of these activities and go right back to your kids without looking socially awkward.  A thread on Facebook, or in a forum, can develop slowly throughout the day, so that you can comment on something interesting to you, leave to play with your kids, and come back to comment again on the thread when you have time, without missing any of the conversation.  Drive-by internet conversations are practically tailor-made for the stay at home parent.  It caters precisely to the kind of chatter we can handle.  The kind that takes just two minutes at a time and can handle long lapses in between.

As the world catches up to the technology available to us, work from home opportunities abound - moms can invent, can create, and can produce viable products and ideas in their spare time, possibly making money, but, more importantly, keeping their foot in the business world's door, as more and more employers respect and desire the know-how necessary to keep online projects afloat, the marketing and networking skills acquired through creating a brand for yourself online.

Back in the 1970s and 80s, women were still struggling to prove themselves in the workplace.  Taking a year or two off to start a family stunted progress in that battle, and individuals often felt not only isolated in their choice, but ostracized as they tried to get back into the career they'd worked so hard to be a part of.  As much as staying at home with your children is given lip-service, it's rarely looked upon positively behind closed corner-office doors.  How can a woman who's left the working world for an extended period of time be as efficient or as appealing as a person who has been working and growing with the industry all along?

I must admit, when I made the decision to start staying home, these fears weighed heavily on me.  Would I be hirable after my hiatus?  Would the technology have completely changed?  Would all my backbreaking work throughout my childless years be forgotten or obsolete?  What could I possibly have to offer after such a long "vacation?"

I worried I may well be putting the nails in my only half-built coffin by leaving television journalism when I did.

I no longer worry, though, and tomorrow, I'll tell you why.  It has to do with the internet.  It has to do with social media.  It has to do with this blog and the desireable skills I have, quite accidentally, honed each morning while Sesame St. is on.


(If you are interested in this topic, you may also enjoy the Parenting Online Series: 1 and 2)


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What's Your (New) Sign?

I've never put any stock into horoscopes and star signs.  Born in the early 1980s, I always figured myself beyond all that New Age mumbo jumbo, if that's even what it is.  Until, of course, the internet's hysteria over possible sign changes hit me.

I was fairly distraught.  Am I actually a Gemini?  That doesn't make any sense.  I'm moody, I'm loyal, I'm mothering...all 'signs' point to Cancer.  I don't want to be a Gemini.  And I wasn't alone.  Hundreds of people I know railed in opposition to this new finding.  No one wanted a new sign, and no one wanted to be the new one, Ophiuchus.  Isn't that a transformer, anyway? Ophiuchus Prime?

It turns out, regardless of what kind of lip service people pay the Zodiac, we are somewhat attached to our sign.  Even if we say that we define ourselves, it is apparently too easy to use a few adjectives here and there given to us from above.  It becomes a part of us, regardless of how well it fits.  We take what we like and leave the rest, and do what we can to make the definition of our sign fit us.  We may say it's unimportant, but does anyone not know what their sign is?

If you are wondering and haven't seen this yet, here are the "new" signs.

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Aries: April 18-May 13
Taurus: May 13-June 21
Gemini: June 21-July 20
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23-Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

But don't panic.  As is more and more frequently the case, a slow news day combined with lightning-fast social media held to no accountability and bored internet-goers, means that an article originally reported by NBC on a debate that's been raging for years now (nothing new about it) from the viewpoint of one (that's right, one) astrologer, has been lended the legitimacy of the news media as more and more outlets and aggrigators pick up the story, eventually leaving the NBC reference in the dust, and forgetting the name (and number) of the astrologer whose theory this was originally about.  So to the average viewer, it looks as if this week we collectively decided to change everybody's star sign.

Not true.  Will we someday have to change our sign, and, therefore, our definition of the traits we have spent years honing?  Maybe.  But that day really needn't be today.

Still, either way, I'm pleased to announce that my babies will be Leos with or without the new sign.

Legend of Ophiuchus The Serpent Holder

Original NBC article: http://www.nbc-2.com/Global/story.asp?S=13828331


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