On being "that mom"

Look, I'm a Connecticut girl. New England, through and through. I'm liberal, I like Obama, I believe in sexual freedom, human rights for all, good welfare systems for those in need, legalizing marijuana, government health care and gun control.

Obviously, I'm not a good fit here.

I've learned (painfully and slowly) to keep my opinions to myself when dealing with "the moms." The moms are the group of southern women firmly entrenched in ideological ideals that run completely opposite to mine.

To give a brief image, when the girls were in preschool, and Obama won his second term, I went into the school all WE WON, GUYS! MAYBE HE'LL ACTUALLY DO SOME COOL SHIT THIS TIME.

The moms quietened. Looked at me. And literally took a full step back from me.

Lesson one.

Later that year, the moms were engaged in a discussion about winkle sticks and bathing suit areas. I, of course, piped up, as I'm wont to do. They were shocked that the girls see me naked on a regular basis, know what vagina looks like, and etc. We went a little too far in this discussion. I said, "I'd much rather my kids see sex and nudity than killing and war."

Another step back. And I had to leave right quick before we got into a gun control debate, because, let me tell you, they were ready to second-amendment my ass back to Connecticut.

Lesson two.

So, I grew quiet. Because I did not want to be labeled "that mom." You know the one. The weird one that the other moms don't let their kids visit for fear of them teaching their preciouses another point of view. I didn't want my kids to invite a friend over only to get the cold shoulder because of my beliefs.

So, fast forward.

Now, we're in first grade.

And I'm still quiet with the moms. But not with my kids. We've had several talks about how, yes, some girls marry boys, but some girls marry girls and some boys marry boys and that's okay.

Yesterday in the car, one of my kids shouted from the backseat: "Mom, Jacky says you're a liar."

Um, what?

"Yeah, I told her that girls can too marry girls and she said no they can't and that's wrong and that you're lying."

Welp.

I mean, what do you do with that?

Being the passive lamb I am, I told her I was not a liar, that girls can marry girls, and she could tell her six-year-old girl to look it up and read a fucking book.

Okay, I'm paraphrasing.

But, seriously, this is a delicate issue. I'm not going to tell my kids things I don't believe, and things that are outright lies, just to fit in here. Just so they'll fit in. And I know my kid is going to go right back to her friend and tell her that her mommy says it's the law that girls can marry girls and she's not a liar.

And that girl will probably not be allowed to come to my house.

It's sad.

But maybe she will? I'd let my children go to her house because I'm confident in the beliefs I instill in them. Although if they were going to a shooting range, I'd probably say no. So maybe I'm no better than them.

The trouble will be worth it. It has to be. It is what's right. What I believe is right, anyway.






 

Do You Even Know What Love Is? - Blog Share

Once upon a time, the economy crashed. My husband was laid off, I worked more than an hour away for very little money, and he stayed home alone all day looking for work and taking care of infant twins.

You know this. If not, here. Here it is.

What you don't know is this.

These two are Elise and Andrea Schreier. I hardly knew them. They were friends of a good friend of mine, and all I knew during that tumultuous time when I was barely hanging on for pure exhaustion and depression was that they wanted children desperately. They loved children.

My friend said, hey, you should call them. I bet they'd help you out. And I thought, but I don't have any money to pay them. But they didn't want money. And I thought, but I only know them in passing. In all the times we've seen each other, I've never really reached out in friendship, though we were friendly enough. You know the difference. The 'hey, how are you,' acquaintance versus a friend. They didn't care. These two extremely driven, working, successful women started stopping by my house (out of their way, mind you), to watch my infants and give my husband a break in the evenings once a week. Just because.

Just fucking because.

To this day, my husband refers to them as our lifeline. That seemingly small favor they did us (for an extended period of time, out of the goodness of their hearts), kept him sane. It really did.

And now it's time.

Now it's time to look at what we are doing. At what we are saying. That two women or two men can't get married, don't have the right to access, you know, human rights. The bond these two share is as strong as any hetero marriage I've witnessed, and honestly, stronger than most of those. And that is not even close to all.

While they were sitting for us, Elise and Andrea had applied for Connecticut's foster program. And they waited months and months for approval. And every time they got close, something happened, something delayed it. Then when they were finally approved they got put on a list. It was heartwrenching. It almost brought Elise to tears a few times when we spoke about it. They just wanted a family, and not only a family for themselves, but to create a family for a child less fortunate.

You're telling me that's bad?

Well, don't tell me.

Tell them:

Through the foster program, Elise and Andrea eventually took a little boy. Then his little sister. Then his baby sister. Three siblings staying together because Connecticut allows gay couples to parent children. Because gay couples are fucking people. And you know what else?

They adopted the kids. All three. These three children have a life full of love, laughter and happiness because that is what Elise and Andrea provide. That is who they are. That is what they do.

You're trying to say that because they're in love with each other instead of being in love with a man that they're somehow not qualified to love at all?

You're wrong. Ask those three kids. Ask Elise or Andrea. Ask me.

This truly is a no-brainer. Why are we even talking about this? What is wrong with society that the happy family I know is thought of as wrong, as somehow incapable? Elise and Andrea are ten times the parents I am. And I don't say that to say I'm a bad parent. They're just better.

So if we're going to start judging whether people can get married or not on their ability to parent, I'm just saying, let's ask questions that are relevant to parenting. Because it has nothing to do with whom you love. And people, as human beings, deserve to marry whom they love.

Period.


And this is far from the only story.

Anne Theriault tells a similar tale here, about her Uncle Eric.

Polly writes a powerful piece on the hopes and dreams riding on this week's SCOTUS.

Elizabeth Hawksworth explains the intricacies of homophobia that many miss, thinking they are not homophobic, when really, they are. As a bisexual woman, she has first-hand experience being ostracized over whom she chooses to love.

Jackie talks about the word equality like it's a real thing. Like it should be a real thing. In this real life.

Emilie Blanton discussing what is and what isn't slacktivism. Go Red!

And if you are looking for more on Elise and Andrea, this article is a good place to start.

And if you are a blogger and want to show your support for all families everywhere, Families Respecting Families over at aias.ca is a step in the right direction!

This is a big deal. We need to get on the right side of history. We need to stand together. We need to right this wrong.